Worried about impending doom

[Sometimes Steffi]

I guess most of you know that I go to yoga class 3 times a week, and for the last year or so, I've been going femmed out every day. I've been wearing very femme yoga pants (pink, purple or blue abstract, tribal or other femme style with women's tank tops or racerback tops). I also have my toenails painted most of the time.

But, there's a chance that this could all come to a crashing end real soon. My wife is opposed to my crossdressing and doesn't know anything about my femme yoga outfits.

It has all worked out well for a long time. I'm a member of Gold's Gym where I take my yoga classes. She takes her classes at an independent yoga studio, so we don't have a conflict. Now she wants to join a gym, mostly to use the machines. She went to the YMCA where my daughter goes, but she didn't like that. Next she's going to visit my gym.

If she joins my gym, a few things are likely:

1. She'll meet the girls at my yoga classes and one of them might spill the beans about my femme yoga outfits.
2. I'll have to switch back to my ugly boy's yoga outfit.

Neither one will be very pleasant.

[Sara Jessica]

Subterfuge with your spouse is a b#@*∞. You cannot affect choice #1. #2 is all on you.

[sometimes_miss]

Suggest an all female gym, so she won't have to deal with all the guys hitting on her and staring at her. That worked for me all that 25 years ago. Of course, that assumes that she doesn't LIKE having hot ripped guys bothering her. I remember co-ed gyms being mostly meat markets back in the day.

[Tracii G]

I would hate to be in that position.
If the yoga girls spill the beans well then you will have to deal with it.

[IleneD]

Steffi,

I love you so. Very dramatic..... "impending doom".
I'm still chuckling to myself, even though I know your trepidation well.

I feel the same way when I go to the gym or rec center (mostly to swim). I take a bra and panties to change into after my lap swim. Change into leggings and shirt. Often I enter the facility with lipstick. Recently, The Wife noticed my packing "a second pair of underwear" into my gym bag. It was my sports bra.
"Why are you taking 2 pair of underwear?"
"It's not underwear. It's my bra."
"Why do you need a bra?"
"I like to wear a bra. It feels good."
"You're not a woman. You don't have boobs. You don't NEED to wear a bra."
[blank stare in return]
You've probably had or heard a similar conversation around your house, Steffi. Like I said, I feel it too.

We as a couple have come a long way to (at least) acknowledging my CD, but we still have a ways to go before it is no longer a source of conflict. When you find a way to breech that gap, let me know. Until then, my thoughts, heart and prayers are with you, ..... and hope your cover isn't blown. (or at least if blown, then blown grandly, boldly and with style).

[Sarasometimes]

Hope it works out without any doom. I think the female gym suggestion is worth a try. You could also look for groupons at other gyms for her to use instead.

[docrobbysherry]

I suppose Door #3:
Leveling with your wife. Thereby relieving your guilt and the feeling of impending doom, is NOT an option?:brolleyes:

[Tracii G]

Yeah how about telling your wife the truth then you don't have to worry about it.

[DaisyLawrence]

Here's an idea, tell the wife about your true self and then go together to your yoga classes in whatever clothes make you both happy and start living a shared happy married life together. Just a thought. They are only clothes and if she and you are a perfect match why would it matter? If you can't even be honest about liking leggings, is that the basis for a happily married life? I know many married couples that have no common interests and do nothing together (which seems completely bonkers for the basis of a shared life experience) but you and your wife share a hobby but then you both scuttle off to different places to do it alone. Do you see how daft that sounds? If not, I suggest you may be married to the wrong person.

[Aunt Kelly]

I want to echo TRacii's and Daisy's advice to open up with your spouse about this part of yourself, but...
Such a decision should be made with more in mind than the ability to continue to attend yoga classes in your wardrobe of choice. Given that such a revelation has ended more relationships than it has not, weigh carefully. While you are at it though, consider also that the discovery of a deception like this carries and even higher "relationship mortality rate", and that sooner or later, we are almost always discovered. This might be the right time, it might not. You might carry on for another 20 years if you are careful enough. Only you can decide what the risk-reward factors are. Just make sure you weigh everything in your consideration.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Katya@]

How about do nothing until you have to. If she joins the gym, get the courage and pretend nothing happened. Maybe she will get a good laugh out of it and that would be the extent. If she will get mad - then you could just say as is - this is what makes you a happier person. Let her try to argue with this!

[Dana44]

i would not worry about it until you have to.

[Beverley Sims]

Well, the chickens eventually come home to roost.

Maybe you relinquish your membership at the gym and go somewhere else and start afresh.

[Lydianne]

You and your wife share a hobby but then you both scuttle off to different places to do it alone. Do you see how daft that sounds? If not, I suggest you may be married to the wrong person.

I think many married CDers would say this does not sound daft given that the wife is opposed and the gym is one of the presentation outlets Steffi has. We know the importance of a presentation outlet. For many of us, it goes right to the core.

@Steffi: Like Ilene, I loved the usage of "doom" and was going to comment on it until I had the same thoughts as what Aunt Kelly said about this ending many marriages. So something might have to give, and if it's the presentation opportunity, then "doom" could be the right word :straightface:. The all female gym suggestion is a good idea, but if she insists on the same gym, then I'd say wait a bit. Many people join gyms and then give up. Hope for this secretly :lurk:. You'd have to tolerate male mode, obviously, and police the conversations.

@Daisy: But back to what you said, I would ask, does the entire idea of CDing sound daft? You would say absolutely not, and I'd be right with you. But ask the same question to Steffi's wife and see what she says --and there are a lot more people of her way of thinking than ours. Unfortunately, there is not an abundance of the 'right' people to be married to for what we need to do.. and hence my unmarriage :straightface:.

- Lydianne.

[kimdl93]

Speaker for those of us that have experienced a doomsday scenario, I'd have to suggest that your prospective scenarios 1 & 2 are rather mild by comparison with what it might become.

[Cheryllynn]

I'd suggest, first and foremost, level with your wife and tell her about your CDing. As others have said, eventually you will get caught and the results of that could make your options 1 & 2 look easy. If you try to steer her off to another gym she may (and I'm guessing likely will) wonder and ask why the gym you go to isn't the one for her (the "what is he hiding from me" question). At which point you are either going to relent, or have to make something else up as a reason. Neither option will help you out. If you are completely set against coming out to your wife, perhaps stop going to ANY gym for awhile while she makes up her mind. With any luck she won't try the one you like going to...but if she does you're right back in the danger zone. Leveling with her seems like the best option...
-Cheryllynn

[Sometimes Steffi]

@Lydianne pretty much hit the nail on the head.

My wife knows that I CD, she knows that I often go out with the DC Area Trans Meetup group (which is a large group of local CD/TG/TS girls) and she know that I 've gone to the Keystone Conference for the last 7 years. She just doesn't want to know the details. She hasn't seen me dressed, even in pictures, and she hasn't seen any of any clothes, and that's the way she wants it. She says that once she sees anything, she won't ever be able to unsee it. She doesn't even know my girl name. She's known about my CDing for 10 years now and she's progressed from "Get fixed" to tolerating. I don't expect to live long enough to ever reach acceptance or embracing.

So, it's almost completely DADT, except for when i go out. The she wants to know when I'm leaving and when I'm returning, but not where I'm going or who I will be with. She does have the contact information for one emergency contact who I usually see when I'm out.

I don't get out in full girl more often than once a month, and I can't dress at home, so, as @Lydianne says, yoga (and some occasional retail therapy) are my only dress up and presentation outlets except for my monthly meetup outings. You can read about these here (https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?251772-I-can-t-get-enough-activewear!). I have many posts in that thread.

These presentation outlets are very important to me to keep my sanity, and most of the GGs at yoga are very accepting of my girly yoga outfits.

She doesn't know that I go to yoga class in a femme yoga outfit, but I think that's covered under the DADT clause.

[Stephanie47]

Your bio says you're 65. Presumably you have been married for awhile. She knows about your cross dressing. She knows you go out with like minded cross dressers. This isn't exactly a situation where she is totally in the dark. She just does not want to see it. Maybe it's best to tell her exactly what you wear to yoga, and, you've been accepted by the group. She may roll her eyes or worse, but, it does give her the option of going or avoiding the group. You really don't know if any of these women already know your wife. It could happen there would be some recognition, and, the cat will be out of the bag. "Oh, you're married to Steffi!" Then she may become the woman who is married to a cross dresser. She may not appreciate that. With that possibility she may decide to go elsewhere.

One of the struggles women have with a cross dressing husband is not being able to talk to anyone. The wife becomes trapped in the husband's secret. Then she also may get some ridicule. "What's wrong with her? Why is she married to a cross dresser?'

I suggest coming clean and let her decide with full knowledge.

[Krisi]

Long, long ago, I had a girlfriend and I took her to this diner every weekend. Then one night, I had to take my wife instead. I feared the worst but nothing happened.

You have put yourself in this situation by hiding things from your wife. There's not much that I can suggest to get you out of it. Good luck.

[LeannS]

Steffi Oh how I get where you are coming from but if you don't go to the yoga class with your wife and hopefully those that are in the class don't know your wife you are good to go. best of luck

[Sallee]

I kind of think yoga pants are andragenous I hae seen guys where them Admittedly some are a little more fem with all the flowery designs but I wouldn't call them "gay"
Hate that term inthat context

[Asew]

After reading Steffi's last post I was going to say basically what Stephanie already said. Since your wife already knows you dress publicly, there shouldnt be much problem letting her know that you dress to yoga class. And based on what you told us in this thread, it sounds like she would pick another gym as a result.

[AllieSF]

I agree with Asew about telling your wife what you wear to yoga classes. Another option would be to go separately at different times. Good luck.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Again, DADT. While she knows I go out dressed, she's never seen me dressed and doesn't want to. I either change at a friend's, in the car or in a public restroom. She doesn't ask where I go when I go out dressed, so she doesn't even know that I'm in public, rather than in someone's private residence.

She had a fit when she caught me in a sports bra at home a few weeks ago.

@Stephanie: Yup, 65 y.o., and married 40 years this coming July. But, I successfully hid my CDing for about 30 years. She has said that if she knew about my CDing before we got married, she might not have married me.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Easy. Fake an injury so you can't go to class. Wait till your wife commits to a gym then quietly join a different one. It's conceivable that your wife is contemplating joining your gym simply to keep an eye on you- my advice might prove or disprove that.

[Stephanie47]

@Stephanie: Yup, 65 y.o., and married 40 years this coming July. But, I successfully hid my CDing for about 30 years. She has said that if she knew about my CDing before we got married, she might not have married me.

Yup, 70 y.o., and married 46 years. I heard those same words from my wife. That was a very long time ago when it became evident our little "bedroom play" was more than a fetish. It changed her perception of me quickly. She had some really serious issues which I was aware of before we married, but, did not know the extent those issues would affect our marriage. Since I fully accepted her as she was she thought it would be hypocritical to dump me. It's been a very deep DADT since the early 1980's, which is fine with me.

[JustJoni]

The best defense, is most often a vigorously conducted offense.

It seems to me that you should advise your wife that this gym is one of your DADT presentation outlets, and as you were there first, unless she wishes to see you presenting as Steffi, she is invited to find a gym elsewhere (and not back off on that: you WILL present as Steffi here, and the choice to see you is HERS). However, I admit that by you hiding this outlet you have painted yourself into a corner, one from which does not have a painless egress, but in that same vein, you have said she wants to know very little about your dressing, and in theory that should be a mitigating factor in drawing your line that this gym is Steffi's space, not hers.

Either offense, or surrender, the choice is yours. I wish you luck either way.