Okay, so I think I'm finally ready to leave the house, but...

[KatrinaK]

I'm a little lost as to where to start. It's been a long journey to this point, but over the past two years of building confidence and acceptance of myself, I'm emotionally ready. Frankly I need it! Been all dressed up with nowhere to go too many times.

Here's what I've done to get ready:

1) Practice, practice, practice makeup, etc.
2) Learn to not dress like a hooker. LOL. Been purchasing reasonable, age-appropriate clothing, makeup, etc. I'm 38, not 18.
3) Taking short trips out, walking around the block, etc. (that was in LA, been in OC for 6 months and that aint happening here)
4) Get a counselor who specializes in the challenges I face, starting that soon
5) Become fully honest and open with my wife. I told her before we got married, but it's been a roller-coaster ride.
6) Join communities like this
7) Make outreach to people I find like-minded.
8) Desexualize it. This was a big one. As I learned to accept my real self, it kind of desexualized itself.

So, for all the above reasons, I'm feeling ready. Problem is that I have nowhere to go.

I've made attempts at several phases of my life to make outreach to the community. The first time was HORRIFIC. I was living in a different city then, but I braved going down to what was described as a crossdressing shop with a safe dressing and communal space built around a community of like-minded people. I went down in drab about 10 years ago and told the stranger there everything. She was the most judgmental, unwelcoming person I've ever met and it cause a FULL PURGE. I recoiled in horror from anything to do with Katrina for a few years.

Second time went better - it was online. Tried to make friends, but nobody was really interested. I wasn't at the right phase of my life and self-acceptance that I am now, but it still didn't work out.

Now I'm ready. My wife and I are going to have a girls night in the immediate future, and that will build more confidence because NOBODY has ever seen Katrina. That'll be a big first step, and I don't care if it goes well because even if it doesn't, then my wife and I will be one step closer to figuring out the boundaries. She's fine with me, and fine with me going out, but she's not sure if she wants to be a part of it, and I COMPLETELY accept that.

Anyhow, now I'm looking to try and kindle some friendships as don't think I can do this without someone more experienced. I work hard at trying to pass. I'm sure I don't yet (and likely will never properly - I'm too tall) but if there's anyone out there that my story resonates with that, I promise I'm fun, smart, discreet! Looking only for friendship. I'd love to meet people of all ages, but I'm specifically interested in meeting people around my age who can give me tips on working with what I've currently got.

Also, I'd like my first time to be in LA County, not OC.

So! There's my outreach to meet new people. I feel like I kinda need a "big sister" for the next phase of my journey.

Thanks for listening!

XO,
Kat

- - - Updated - - -

PS. I’ve changed my profile pic to a piece I’m calling All Dressed Up With Nowhere to Go

[Tracii G]

Well all I can say is go out with your wife and enjoy being out among the public.
Your wife is the best person to go out with on your first time because she can coach you a little.
Find a support group in your area and try that for meeting like minded people.
Don't say I already did that because sometimes it takes 2 or 3 groups to find the one that fits you.

[KatrinaK]

First time with the wife will be at home. There may not be a second time, and I’m okay with that. Support groups are a great idea. Any recommendations in SoCal are welcome.

[Lana Mae]

Katrina, go out with your wife like a girl's night out! Find that support group like Tracii says! Own it and it will be yours! You probably won't "pass" few of us do but we are out there living our lives! Be confident as you can do it! Hugs Lana Mae

[Beverley Sims]

Be like a fledgling bird, stand on the esgeof the nest, look over the edge, and throw yourself into it.

You will feel free as a bird after a few outings. :-)

[KatrinaK]

So, just to make very clear, my wife is not a reliable partner in this. She wants me on my own journey that she may or may not join in on in the future.

[Sara Jessica]

I like how you are approaching this, an ounce of dream with a pound of reality. You will do well.

Support groups are pretty much non-existent in OC & LA these days. What you will find are social groups if you know where to look.

[Tracii G]

No support groups in LA I find that hard to believe.
Not sure what the difference is in OC but if you can't get out enfemme move to a free state LOL

[candice.aihara]

I think those eight things you listed are a really good foundation for your journey. As for developing friendships with people nearby, I suppose when you "get a counselor who specializes in the challenges I face, starting that soon" you can ask where and what are the communities that'll most welcome you.

[Helen_Highwater]

Katrina,

I'm going to suggest an alternative strategy that's been well road tested by many here. Namely you get dressed and go out in the car. Drive around until you feel comfortable. If your SO will go with you it'll give her time to see the mobs ain't out there and hopefully she'll feel calmer about the whole thing.

If you drive to somewhere you feel safe, you can get out of the car while your SO either goes with you or sits and observes. Again to see the absence of ropes and pitchforks.

Easing your SO into things may make it easier for her to adjust. We always say baby steps.

Beyond that if you can find a social group that will be your best option. First time go alone to scope things out. If you've been and make acquaintance with others there it makes it easier for your SO if you can introduce to those you assess as being those most likely to win your SO's mark of approval.

[Sidney]

Your wife seems accepting to this point. Go easy with her and like has been said, take baby steps. Good luck on your journey.

[NicoleScott]

Katrina wants to be open and honest with the wife, who is Ok with Katrina's dressing and going out, but understands that participation may not be in the cards and is OK with that.
Sorry, but Helen's strategy to pull the wife in may backfire. If she doesn't want to participate, let it go. Go out in confidence, make friends with like-minded people, have fun, and be safe.

[Rhonda Darling]

Go to Meetup.com and search for social groups in your area(s). Use the appropriate search terms and you should find something that looks good. Here in the Washington, DC area we have a group of almost 1000 members and have periodic events, including dinner and follow-on soirees at local hotels. We're always out in public spaces and interact with any of the muggles who come across us. They usually enjoy talking to us, and usually go away enlightened to our cause.

You don't have to pass perfectly, you just need confidence and an outgoint positive attitude.

Hope your first, and every, time out is enjoyable and enriching.

[Krisi]

The major problem with going out of the house is getting out of the house (and back into the house) without your neighbors seeing you. This is a concern for many of us but if it's not a concern for you and your wife, that's great. I go out underdressed and finish dressing in the car away from the neighborhood. Not ideal of course but it works for me.

The major problem with going out with your wife is, while people may not recognize you when you're all dolled up, they will recognize your wife and then wonder or ask who you are. Your disguise may be good enough for you by yourself but not with your wife by your side. Again, some may not care but many will. Going to a city a couple hours away will minimize the chance of being recognized.

And remember, your wife may not get the same thrill from doing this as you will. It's a bit like her dragging you along to her knitting club.

[Joni T]

One of my favorite places to go in OC is Fashion Island in Newport. Totally safe and no one will give you a second thought. Been going there for years.
Joni

[Jennifer in CO]

Katrina - may I suggest a different tact? DON"T go all out on your first time out. Go to the movies or a drive - in jeans or shorts and a top. Go somewhere/dressed somehow you won't be noticed at all. Build your confidence. If its all or nothin, then as others have said go for a drive. But don't go the speed limit - go with what ever traffic is doing. Again...blend in. Your just another girl on her way to or from somewhere. The only difference at that point is if your out for a drive you are going somewhere as opposed to going no where....

[CONSUELO]

Katrina,
You have thought this all through very well so good luck with your expeditions. Understand what you are implying about Orange County but then there is OC and OC. Such a variety of communities and not all conservative and intolerant.

Best wishes

[Pat]

My suggestion is that the first time you go out it's 'way better if you don't go out alone. But if you're going to do it, pick something that's not much of a challenge -- go to Starbuck's, bring a book, get a cup of coffee and sit down and read a chapter. That will put you in a supportive environment, lets you interact with a sales person, gives you a chance to control public interaction and occasionally look around for people showing up with torches and rakes (there won't be any) and for extra credit you could use the ladies room (Starbucks around here all seem to have single-occupancy restrooms, so no fear of interaction.) You could do essentially the same thing at any food/beverage place. Or, as suggested above, go to a movie. Personally, I loved going to bookstores when I was first going out.

I think the best experience comes if you find something that will give you a task to accomplish because then you can pay attention to the task and not obsess over being dressed. ;)

[DaisyLawrence]

I think the best experience comes if you find something that will give you a task to accomplish because then you can pay attention to the task and not obsess over being dressed. ;)

Best advise here. If you are busy with your task you will be more normal and relaxed looking and will not be noticed, if you are at a loose end, looking to see if you have been noticed then you will stand out and get yourself noticed. Just try to forget there is anything different to your normal presentation and go about whatever it is you want to do.

[docrobbysherry]

I live in the OC, also and have 2 suggestions for u, Katrina. Hamburger Mary's in Long Beach has a once a month Trans nite there. It's the 1st Sat. of every month. Which happens to be this Sat! That was my first place out dressed locally maybe 5 years ago? I was encouraged to come by a number of girls here. Most of whom r no longer on here because their trans lives r so full socializing with others in the LA/OC area. There's a group of us, maybe 30 or so, that hang out regularly. Very few SO's go to their events. But, r welcomed when they do. I'll be there this Sat. If u decide to go, let me know!

These Mary's girls like to dress pretty, party, and socialize. U won't find them out dressed at Walmart or Denny's. For that, there's a small group of T's that meet regularly at the LGBT center in Santa Ana. I can give their organizer's FB link.

And, if you'd like to go to dinner with a T in the OC? Contact Jenny22 here!

I have a very full T social life. Yet, don't go out dressed to local or vanilla venues. I'm am basically a secret, closet dresser. Yet, I'm heading to both DLV and WildSide T weeks in Vegas in April and May. DLV is very SO friendly. I believe about 30 SO's r signed up to attend this year!

Hope this helps u get out!:D

[IamWren]

Hi Katrina....

Well, I applaud your determination to get out while dressed. I know how unnerving it can be. I have been out only a handful of times (maybe or six or seven? in three years) but I can tell the most rewarding times were when I was with others. I am SO VERY fortunate to have (as you said) some "big sisters". (Shout out to my sisters here in H-town!)

Anyway, if you can find a social group in your area, I think it could help immensely. Of course, that's if your personality jives with at least a few them. The other thing that helped me are doing things like what you listed in your OP, especially the "practice, practice, practice." If I can recommend something that might help and give you more confidence.... video yourself walking and practicing your mannerisms. It's like athletes who watch game-tape! It can be horrifying to be honest but if you can look at it objectively and make corrections it can boost your confidence tremendously.

And THIS... you HAVE to have a game plan for the actual logistics of getting out of your house. Unless of course you adopt an "I-don't-give-a-crap" attitude about being seen by neighbors, friends, coworkers, family, et al then disregard this important piece of advice. One thing that stands out about what Krisi says below is, "... will MINIMIZE the chance of being recognized." I remember reading once a member said she was a couple of hours away and ran into a neighbor, friend, somebody she knew.


The major problem with going out of the house is getting out of the house (and back into the house) without your neighbors seeing you. This is a concern for many of us but if it's not a concern for you and your wife, that's great. I go out underdressed and finish dressing in the car away from the neighborhood. Not ideal of course but it works for me.

The major problem with going out with your wife is, while people may not recognize you when you're all dolled up, they will recognize your wife and then wonder or ask who you are. Your disguise may be good enough for you by yourself but not with your wife by your side. Again, some may not care but many will. Going to a city a couple hours away will minimize the chance of being recognized.

And remember, your wife may not get the same thrill from doing this as you will. It's a bit like her dragging you along to her knitting club.

[Aunt Kelly]

As Sue says, have a plan. That getting out of and back into the house is a thing. Consider carefully. Her suggestion to find a group to help out is also big. It can make a huge difference.

I don't advocate "just driving around". Yes, it's a step in the right direction, but where you appear to be headed can only be reached when you decide that you are going to interact with people. Pat's suggestions are great. Pick something that involves at least some interaction and from which you can easily extricate yourself if you feel the need.

Good luck.

Hugs,


Kelly

[ellbee]

Already some great suggestions. :)


I think it really depends on what you're comfortable enough with & what your life is like. So many variables, honestly.


If you're just looking to wear a few femmy things while still presenting as a guy, which might be a bit of an ice-breaker for you, then head on down to the post office, grocery store, ATM, whatever. Just running an errand or three. Basically dipping your toes in the water, so you become more accustomed to the fact of wearing some women's stuff out in public.


Or, if you're looking to go the full kit & kaboodle, all dolled-up head to toe, maybe go through a drive-thru & get a coffee or something. Quick, easy, limited interaction with a stranger in a professional service setting. If you aren't particularly good at a female voice, do *not* use a Mickey Mouse voice... Just use your male voice, but try to soften it up a bit, perhaps. ;)

Maybe a social thing is more your style? The first time I was all dolled-up around *others* who were also dolled-up, I was like, "Oh, I'm not the only one... I'm among kindred spirit! :thumbsup: " Definitely takes some pressure & focus off yourself. Though at the same time, in a sense it was a bit "weird" at first to see in-person others who were also presenting as female... But you quickly get over that, and start finding it more interesting, than anything.


Halloween is a while away, but that's also a good first one. Instead of waiting around for that, maybe hit either a drag club, or just a "drag night" at a gay bar. Yeah, I know, I know... A gay bar. Perpetuating the myth/stereotype that if a guy dresses as a woman, then he must be gay. But honestly, what other venue has that sort of thing on a regular basis? Google is your friend. Maybe even scope it out ahead of time during the day, in guy-mode, just so you know how to get there, what the parking is like, where the entrance is, etc. And yes, "regular CD'ers" do go to drag night! You don't have to be a drag queen, ya know?

And back to the gay thing... Do you have any trusted gay (or trans) friends/acquaintances, neighbors, co-workers, relatives, etc.? If so, there's a decent chance they know your local CD/drag social scene. Going with somebody you know can definitely help. Though going alone, if you must, is also doable, as well.

Finally, don't discount GG's. Again, trusted friends/acquaintances, neighbors, co-workers, relatives, etc. Believe it or not, quite a few GG's dig the drag scene for a girls' night out! While someone's wife or SO might not be into it, perhaps because it hits "too close to home," that doesn't mean a GG-*friend* necessarily feels that way about it! Not only do they like the feminized atmosphere, and feel like they're supporting something good -- but they also like to get all dolled-up a bit, too, and this is a perfect opportunity for them. :battingeyelashes:


Anyway, I'm already running late.

But just a few thoughts for now. Hope it helps!

[Krisi]

Another thing comes to mind: You said something about practicing makeup. Here's my suggestion - Practice being a woman. What I mean by this is, get a lot of "woman time" around the house. Get to where having long hair boobs and hips and a butt feel normal to you. Get used to wearing a skirt and heels if that's your choice. You don't want to be bumping into door frames and missing the chair when you sit.

[XemmaX]

When you go out, go out and do something! dont go for a wonder with nowhere to go, just act almost as if you are in drab as in act as normal as possible. It will attract less attention as you wont be acting really weird! lol. You will get looks and double takes but dont worry about those people, after your first few times your butterflies will go away and you can just enjoy yourself without loads of adrenaline running through your veins. Good luck and tell us how it went!!

[jo_ann]

8) Desexualize it. This was a big one. As I learned to accept my real self, it kind of desexualized itself.

I think this is perhaps the most important one. As much as some of us would like to keep this part of it, this is also a curse and scares us from doing it. I don't have a lot of experience, but I'm trying to push myself recently. Last weekend I decided to put on nails when I got home on Friday thinking I didn't really have anything to do the next day. I was wrong, I had a package to drop off at the post office. I went out in total boy mode with french nails. Used the kiosk instead of going to the counter. Had a nail fall off, casually picked it up off the floor and nobody noticed. Drove home with success. Fixed my nail, and then decided to push it further. Drove to the grocery store where I'd be more exposed. Hid my hands at first, but then calmed down and realized nobody was probably going to notice (not like I was wearing bright pink nail polish). Went to check out, more exposed because I was putting groceries onto the belt in front of other people. Thought I was all in the clear, then I see a co-worker walk by looking for a good aisle to check out. Fortunately not only was a family already behind me loading up, but I managed to not make eye contact. I could only imagine if he recognized me and waved and I couldn't wave back. Next time I go to a grocery store that isn't near people I know :-)

[Becky Blue]

The best suggestion I have for your first time out is to search for a place that does Crossdressing makeovers, most of those services have a night/day outing service. This means that your first outing will be with one or more people who specialise in helping girls go out. they know the places to go and will give you a safe yet fun time. I did that for my first time out it was amazing!!

[TheHiddenMe]

Been there, done that.

I've written about my first experiences out locally on this board (in the pictures category). I had four days out and had my nails done, had a Sephora makeover, tried on dresses at Nordstrom, and bought a new wig dressed. That was October 2016.

Since then I've been out about 40 or 50 times, and made a couple of friends (my girl coaches) with a couple of the sales agents at Nordstrom and a nail tech at Beauty Brands. I would have never guessed that would have happened.

I've never had a bad experience. NEVER. Took a 6 hour train ride to Chicago, checked into a hotel dressed, went to the Art Institute dressed, went to Hamilton dressed, dinner out multiple times, and lots of mall and thrift store visits. I have never had an issue.

I suggest a shopping mall that has a Nordstrom. Understand, I love trying on clothes. Call the dress department at Nordstrom, tell them you are a CD and you would like to try on clothes, and ask if that is ok. If your Nordstrom is like all of the others I have been in (5 and counting), they are extremely TG friendly. Sephora is also TG friendly (I just went to a makeup class, something I never thought I would have the courage to do, but they made me feel welcome, and I learned something). Thrift stores are also good choices. Payless shoes stores are also TG friendly, and have shoes in TG friendly sizes.

Once you do it, you will find there are no torches and pitchforks waiting for you. Mostly, there are people who live in their own worlds and don't really notice you.

To add to what Becky Blue just posted, you don't need to find a TG specialty store--I had a Sephora makeover which taught me my makeup routine. It will cost you a minimum of $50, but you will probably spend more than that.

[Sara Jessica]

You share some good practical advice based on your experiences but I have to disagree with one thing. Why call Nordstrom ahead of time? It is already established that this store is generally TG friendly. That is, you are a customer presumably with cash or credit that they hope you are willing to part with. This brings up my other point of disagreement. Don't call and certainly don't call and say you want to try on clothes. The SA may very well say no in thinking "here comes another CD'er who wants to play dress-up on my time".

My advice is to go in as a customer to wherever your heart desires. Hold your head high, be honest and learn to read the SA's. Start easy, Nordstrom is a great choice because they thrive on customer service. I can almost guarantee you will be offered a fitting room.

And when shopping, please go with the intention to actually buy something. The world is not a play-closet.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Talking about shopping, consider going to DressBarn. They are usually in stand-alone stores or in small strip malls. You won't have to navigate a large mall to get to Nordstroms.

I've always been treated well at DressBarn. I've been to multiple Dress Barns in VA, MD and PA and have been treated like a girl in all of them. I can't prove it, but I believe that the SAs are well trained in working with TG/CDs. Once they find out that your a serious buyer, they will open up a dressing room for you. One of the best shopping events ever was at a DressBarn when they wrote "Steffi" on the whiteboard on the dressing room door. The SAs will do the heavy lifting by running back to get you a different size, bring you a matching top or otherwise facilitate a sale.

[jamienoir]

I swear there is a transformation place in the OC. TGirl night in Long Beach (as someone else mentioned). West Hollywood? I follow a tgirl on Instagram and she must navigate that area a few times a week dressed.

I would suggest a tgirl/drag centered event. Also you're only 38 you can spice it up a bit. Nice pencil skirt or wiggle dress for a night out. You look fabulous.

[TheHiddenMe]

You share some good practical advice based on your experiences but I have to disagree with one thing. Why call Nordstrom ahead of time? It is already established that this store is generally TG friendly. That is, you are a customer presumably with cash or credit that they hope you are willing to part with. This brings up my other point of disagreement. Don't call and certainly don't call and say you want to try on clothes. The SA may very well say no in thinking "here comes another CD'er who wants to play dress-up on my time".

The reason I suggest calling ahead is two-fold.

First, a CD who has not been out before is probably scared s@#$less to show up dressed and hear a no. It's better on your nerves to know in advance that you are going to be welcome.

Second, the reason I asked ahead is because about a month before my WIFE was shopping for a dress for a wedding, and I went with her. My wife (who knows I CD) likes to have me in the dressing room when she tries on dresses to give my opinions. She went to Dillards first, and asked if I could go back in the dressing rooms. The SA said in very stern terms that a man (me) could not go into the dressing area. We then went to Nordstrom, my wife asked if I could go into the dressing room too, and the SA said no problem.

Given these two experiences, which store do you think I went to, to ask whether I could come in dressed? It certainly wasn't the one that said no men in the dressing room.

What if I hadn't done my homework and showed up at Dilliards dressed and run into the same SA?

I needed to know for my own sanity that if I showed up dressed I would be accepted. I asked, got the answer I wanted, and had a day that I had been looking forward to for about 50 years.

As to the SA's attitude, the SA's I know at my local Nordstrom tell me I'm the only CD that comes in. But virtually all of the SA's at Nordstorm I interact with are great (there are a couple that aren't as friendly, but those SAs don't get along with the SA I generally visit).


My advice is to go in as a customer to wherever your heart desires. Hold your head high, be honest and learn to read the SA's. Start easy, Nordstrom is a great choice because they thrive on customer service. I can almost guarantee you will be offered a fitting room.

Again, this is advice for a first timer, who is reluctant to go out in public.

I do go where I want now, because my confidence is sky high compared to 18 months ago. Been into lots of stores, into restaurants, hotels, trains. public transit, and even the lady's loo.

But 18 months ago I wasn't ready to just wing it.


And when shopping, please go with the intention to actually buy something. The world is not a play-closet.

I go with the intention, generally, of buying something if I like it. I have bought lots of stuff at Nordstrom. But given I am 50 years behind the curve in trying on woman's clothes and finding out what my "style" is. If I am at a store, I try to make sure I don't add to the SA's work load (I return most of the stuff I try on to the original rack). But I have absolutely no problem going into a store with just the intention of trying things on. There are tons of woman shoppers who go shopping, buy three of an item, and then return two--and probably a CD or two who bought something in male mode, took it home to try on, and returned it when it didn't fit or look right. Which is the greater burden on the store?

Thrift stores are also great (these days I'm a big fan of Savers because they sort stuff into sizes and they often have pretty nice stuff). Again, you might find something you like, or you might not. Lots of shoppers go into stores and never buy anything, so why should CD's be held to a different standard?

[Majella St Gerard]

making friends is easy, just go out and interact with people, I do it all the time.

- - - Updated - - -

And I don't get calling ahead to a store to ask if CD's are welcome. Everyone is welcome at a store open to the public. Why are people so timid.

[Tracy Irving]

I braved going down to what was described as a crossdressing shop with a safe dressing and communal space built around a community of like-minded people. I went down in drab about 10 years ago and told the stranger there everything. She was the most judgmental, unwelcoming person I've ever met and it cause a FULL PURGE. I recoiled in horror

So sorry to read about your bad encounter. I guess it can happen to anyone and anywhere.


not all conservative and intolerant.

I know many conservatives who are very tolerant and quite a few intolerant liberals. As Katrina has described, maybe personal politics has far less to do with it that we think.

[Sara Jessica]

The reason I suggest calling ahead is two-fold...

Sorry, I have do disagree on every level. It doesn't matter if one is experienced or a first timer with respect to being out and about. I will never recommend calling ahead for permission to be a paying customer. Calling with an inquiry like this has the danger of coming across as creepy despite the best intentions and gives the person on the other end of the line an opportunity to say no. Showing up with a degree of confidence and decorum will more often than not disarm a SA who might be otherwise prejudiced against us.

There is too much information available these days to have to worry about vetting retailers. Plenty of tales in these pages tell the newbie where good experiences are to be had.