Milestone 66

[IleneD]

I had my birthday recently (66). An amazing, almost hair-raising day in many ways.

First thing in the morning, my beloved Wife of 41 asked what I wanted to do for my birthday. I paused. Thought, and offered "I want to get dressed up and you take me out to dinner." I had something safe like Hamburger Marys in mind. It would have been the first time EVER. She had evolved in her "acceptance" of my CD but was still rather cool to it. "Please don't ask me to do that." was her response. I took it as a "No.", and discussed or pushed no further. We had our normal great day together.

My son and eldest child took me out to lunch.
I don't know what possessed me to do it, but I did it with forethought. I came out to my son.

He was really the last "big ticket item" on my Coming Out List. My wife knew; my daughter, brother, one grandchild (accident) and my wife's sister all came to know Ilene over the last 2 years. My son was the last holdout.
We met at a new microbrewery. There's always a new one around here. At one point during our first pint of ale I managed to steer the conversation "about my life" to how weird Dad [me] has always been. I have, trust me. I comes with being a walking contradiction.

I stopped to ask him a question; actually a couple questions I told him. "Do you love me? I mean, really love me?", and while he was offering his affirmative answer I held up a photo of ILENE (my forum avatar photo) on my phone. "And....... do you know this woman."

His response (and huge smile!!) was a remarkable moment in a couple ways. "I've seen that woman before, Dad. I'm a technician with Level 10 internet access." I don't know what that means but it sounded powerful. Not entirely comfortable with knowing someone can entirely scope me out on the Net. The Son is nearly a certifiable genius, quite smart and analytical; if he didn't stand out like an NBA basketball star and thereby physically disqualify, he would have made a great fighter pilot.

His answer floored me and over-joyed me. He knew. And frankly, (he said), he'd long suspected. He's no dummy, and had tracked the long string of gradual changes since my military retirement. The change from fighter pilot Dad to "old hippy, foo-foo, weirdo" Dad. He figured on his own, along with a few other tip offs that something was going on. He found a sequestered FB site for Ilene alone that I rarely used. That's where he saw the photos. He also hinted that he found THIS forum board and was able to lurk/read some of my stories and exploits. Lord knows what else he now knows about me, but I trust and love him.

We spent about an hour and another couple rounds discussing ME. People of his generation understand Transgender, so he "gets it". He also understood the difficulty "Mom" (my wife) was having coming over. He recommended having her watch some new TV like "Trans-Parent", or is it "Transparent"; a show about a transitioning TG family. He even offered to talk to his mother to help make her understand. We of course had a good healthy, erudite discussion on where this may all evolve, and if it meant a social transition or full medical transition, etc.

Like I said it was an amazing and loving experience for me. It isn't easy for a man to completely bare himself in such a way and come away without a wound. Glad I did it as a woman. It worked out far far better than I could have dreamed.

Later that evening I had a fine seafood dinner prepared at home with and by the Wife. She gifted me with new swim trunks (guy).
Here's where I made my major mistake of enjoying my day. After dinner I donned a dress (my blue spirit dress), put on light make up and started to head out for a drink. Alone. This did not sit well with The Wife. I reminded her that I offered and invited her to go out, and this was something I wanted to do on my BD. Just one drink. I invited her again, and again things went from bad to horrible in a heartbeat.
I''ll not go into details about the little tiff. Quite ugly, and we've not had one of these about my dressing in quite a while.

One of the key lessons is something my Forum Sisters tried to advise me to do, and that was "go slowly". I've written a few sisters on the side, and the recommendation (even before this fight) was that I may be moving too fast for The Wife. She hasn't had time, even over 2 years, to accommodate and integrate this new factor into HER life.
I didn't entirely pay attention to that advice but it was made clear as we held our heated conversation. Fear not........ things calmed and resolved. It was probably good we got a few small things off our mind.
One TRULY POSITIVE outcome of the entire mess was HER accepting the possibility that I may seek gender counseling and join TG or CD support groups, and do so with her blessing and knowledge. "Meeting other men like me", I figured was a line she feared. But now she sees that counseling may help us all.

Still digesting a wondrous, stressful, milestone day.
Thank you FOREVER, to the members and Sisters of this forum. You all have always been so wise and helpful to my growth and understanding.

[Pat]

Awesome! :thumbsup: Being out to your whole family is amazingly freeing. Moreso if you're fully accepted, but even the argument with your wife was not destructive and may be opening the path to acceptance. So congratulations and happy birthday!

(My experience of jet jockies is that telling them they're moving too fast is like saying grass is green -- too obvious to waste breath on. That's how they move. ;) )

[Laura912]

It was a remarkably wonderful day...almost. Your son was “raised right” as they say in this neck of the woods. Regarding the small steps advice, as a pilot, I will say that you can tell a fighter jock but you can’t tell them much. Just a little humor. You have made great progression and hopefully will continue to do so. With everything positive that happened, you went IFR into the pink fog when you should have been a little more aware of your wife’s feelings.

[Tracii G]

With the good comes the bad sometimes but you all made it thru OK.
Great story I enjoyed the read.

[audreyinalbany]

for all the advice about 'going slowly,' and 'going at her pace,' I've gotta say that my wife and I have been 'going slowly' for thirty five years now. Although she sometimes will mention my crossdressing with a wry smile, she's no closer to wanting to see it or be involved in any way shape or form than she was when she first found out.

[Alice B]

First of all a belated, but Happy Birthday. Your post is interesting. I will be 76 in just over a week. My wife asked me where I wanted to go to dinner. She would never go out with me dressed, so that option is off the table, but I would love to have that chance. I have been out with many family members but my wife always declines to join us

[Teresa]

Ilene ,
It's so uncanny how much lifestyles coincide .
Coming out to my son was the make or break moment for my wife, and as it turns out he's OK about it, maybe not as accepting as yours but still calls me dad and wants to stay in touch and no problems with the grandsons .

OK it's a shame a good day turned sour , I could never have dressed like that in front of my wife so Iknew it was a NO NO from the start.

The good point is yourwife has take another step forward with you , I still wonder if gender counselling was too late for me but at least it enabled me to go out socially, if you find the right group you won't have any regrets , I enjoy the company , you may find as I did that it brings a balance to your CDing , seeing the reality of others and also meeting their wives/partners , getting transition facts first hand .

I hope your wife will be compliant enough to attend with you she may actually enjoy it and find some of her fears were unfounded , the wives really enjoy the dress up with their CDing partners.

All the best , I hope it gets better for you .

P.S. Happy birthday, I've just celebrated my 67th , we are like a good cheese , we mature with age ! My son then cut in and added and smellier !! Kids have no respect !

[GracieRose]

Ilene,
Thanks for sharing. Your posts give me a lot to think about as to how I handle my situation.
Glad to hear how it went with your son. That has to be a big relief.
This is difficult for wives to understand. I try to respect my wife'as feelings as I do not want to chase her away, but I screw up occasionally. I find it challenging to determine how slow is slow enough without coming to a complete standstill (which isn't practical).

[phili]

Ilene, I'll chime in as another 67 year old. My wife is really dead set on discouraging me, and yours is resisting you and reasserting 'normality'- but I see myself in your story. Her world is constructed around the 'normal' narrative, and she says that public opinion is all important to her, so she simply doesn't want to be marked as abnormal by being associated with me, and that means I should not be seen by anyone who can connect me to her.

MY daughter is politically correct and sincere about accepting me, but not enthusiastic or warm or even sympathetic. I think for many of us our children see us as frail and at least mildly defective, so they can easily place crossdressing in the crazy idiosyncracy bucket. Unless they are trans* also, they won't really share our view of ourselves, but can make us at least safe, which is nice.

One of the important things I learned from our counselor is that my wife is highly emotional and simply does not respond to or use logic herself to manage and discipline her emotions. So 'going slowly' means trying to stay humane and in touch with her, while still stealing away for DADT time.

The goal is not to be seen by her, since she doesn't seem to get emotional about what she can't see. And fortunately when I have good days out I am able to recenter around manliness for her. That feels good since it makes her feel good.

But I am slipping over the waterfall, melting into a new being, so it is not stable. You sound to me like you are melting too- life just has to be lived.

I'm hoping that perhaps in melting I will also become the emotional man that I transformed into a mirl- since he couldn't be a man if emotional according to the rules of toxic masculinity.

[bridget thronton]

Happy birthday - you raised a great son

[Beverley Sims]

Well I guess you and your son now know a lot more about each other. :-)

[DaisyLawrence]

Great story Ilene and I'm glad your son was so supportive but not at all surprised (the youger they are the more they get it). But what were you thinking going out for a drink alone when your wife has just cooked you a birthday dinner and wanted to stay home? Forget the choice of presentation, could it be that this was not a crossdressing issue at all?

[alwayshave]

Ilene, I'm glad that coming out to your son went well, even though he already knew.

[Lana Mae]

First, Happy Birthday! I, too am 66 headed for 67 in June! Glad everything worked out so well with your son! I think counseling could work for you and hope you will give it a try!
Best wishes going forward! Birthday Hugs Lana Mae

[IleneD]

But what were you thinking going out for a drink alone when your wife has just cooked you a birthday dinner and wanted to stay home?

Oh Daisy,
You win the door prize for perception today.
Indeed that was the spark. As stated, earlier that morning I declared that I wanted to go out dressed. The notion was rejected. And in my own stubbornness to exert my will and have my way ON THIS ISSUE OF MY GENDER & CD, I had the thought that I would just go for that drink without her. She had a chance to accept the invitation, and if she didn't wish to participate, I would go it alone....... just to show her!.
Well, I was the one who got 'showed". Big mistake. I forced things, and that is never good I am learning when it comes to such delicate matters. In fact, it was likely more than a force to her. It was a dare. (BTW, I never went out).
BUT..... I will say that the confrontation helped move things along for both of us when is comes to the matter of my dressing, and a possible transition to life as a woman. I think her worst fear is losing her husband by having him become a woman, and being alone. I never want that. It's possible now to work on counseling and learning how to integrate my re-birth into our future. That's always the problem with coming out and "realizing" late in an established life, isn't it?

[phili]

I think her worst fear is losing her husband by having him become a woman, and being alone. I never want that. It's possible now to work on counseling and learning how to integrate my re-birth into our future.

Here are some bits and pieces from my experience:
I think my wife's identity is held together by social approval, and she firmly sees herself as a "woman in society who is complete and successful because of how she gathered and maintains a successful man, and who does what is expected of women, while her man does what is expected of men"

My identity is held together by my own sense of personal peace- I want to feel right, and then be a part of society, rather than be a part of society to feel right.

My wife absolutely does not want to be alone. She wants me to be near her and to respond to everything she says, whether she is cheerfully noting things she loves, or castigating me for burning the toast again. I want her to see that she gets a far more connected partner in my real self than my role-playing self. She shoots me with a flamethrower whenever I try to say that.

Your wife's anticipation of aloneness may have similar roots-in our generation a woman without a man is 'alone'- girlfriends don't count. When I have gone over to the other side I discovered how that felt. As a woman I felt that my softness was something I didn't want to give up, and there are all these men around who fit the bill for a counterpart so well.

My wife says she is the one who gets to wear the fancy lingerie, and to choose not to, as she does, for her own reasons. Even if she doesn't want to, I can't, because it interferes with her sense of owning that privilege associated with being a woman. My wife turns to me in frustration when she can't do something physical or is otherwise confused. It doesn't feel like it is done as a friend, but as a weaker person. She will never admit she is weaker- and she can get mean and hard in her own way. I think she sees a man being both a valuable support and a public confirmation of her identity as a successful woman, and a wild or careless beast who needs to be disciplined. She wants, but can't admit, that she wants the strong man who allows her to be weak.

She doesn't want to be a man. And in her world, if I am a woman, then she is supposed to be the man. She also doesn't want to be an 'equal' in the sense of identical. When I was on the other side I could see why. Women suddenly were very plain and men were the interesting ones.

[Teresa]

Phili,
There lies the crux of the problem women want something different from what we sometimes have to offer . I've been most things to my wife but now she is having to make other arrangements. It's a gradual process but I would guess most married men slip into a lifestyle where they're not much more than the resident handyman . CDing changes that perspective when we reveal that other side of us , our lifestyles begin to change and the control our wives /partners once had begins th ebb away. There are numerous reasons why many won't accept our CDing , I agree they may have to accept their own lack of ability in certain areas, I know my wife is now regreting her attitude , she has lost far more than she expected , I still try and be there for her but knows I'm building a new life .

[Aunt Kelly]

Happy birthday, Ilene.

I must tell you that I was nervous as hell as read your account of coming out to your son. You got me! I was not expecting that response. Only thing I can add is... Let this be a lesson to those who think that their 'secret Facebook account' is safe from discovery. It ended well for you, but Facebook's entire business is collecting information about you so that they can sell it. They are very good at it.

Sorry that the time with your spouse wasn't what you'd hoped for. Let's hope that counseling will help. Hopefully, she's not expecting that it might "cure" you, and will approach with an open mind.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Jenny22]

Phili, I think your opening paragraph hits the nail on the head for many women who have extreme difficulty in accepting her husband's CDing.

[DMichele]

Happy (belated) Birthday Ilene,

I enjoyed lunch with your son experience. Yes it is quite scary what the younger generation IT techies can do. Glad the experience was a very good one, a non-event.

I hope your wife can overcome her reservations about your gender expression, which should help resolve possible future incidents. We TG folks are quite benevolent individuals.

[Sarah Louise]

Hi Ilene, that's great news about your son. Young people do seem to be a lot more accepting than older folk. As for your wife, at least you're still together. If recall, it wasn't that long ago that she was pressurising you to stop. As I've said before, wives usually don't sign up to this so it's not really a surprise that they struggle with it. At least you're getting to be Ilene.

[IleneD]

Pat,

You've always been a wise and loving forum friend. I concur that the "discussion" had productive results in the end. It's like we kept little bits of "resentment, concern, hurt, etc." bottled up inside only to have it suddenly spill out.
You've reminded me of something; a thought that's reoccured to me.
I am growing in my relationships; becoming wiser about people; especially my loved ones and family. There's also an inner change to myself of which I am aware but can't quite describe. "Killer" (my military tactical call sign name I went by for 30 yrs).... was quite a different person; unskilled at personal relationships; clumsy even in his own love to others. The reasons may be many. Could be from the time I spent deployed and away. Could be I was never comfortable being in my own skin. I viewed my REAL relation to my loved ones as somewhat shallow because I could never reveal the real me down deep.
I was talking to The Wife the other day about another matter altogether than CD. The subject of "men" came up. In the course of talking I mentioned that I'd looked around at MEN, and thought that overall "I wondered what women ever see in men. Men are jerks for the most part." It's a miracle any male gets laid enough to help propagate the species. I wish I had a photo of her surprised face. I reminded her that nearly everything horrible or traumatic that's ever happened to her, happened at the hands of men. [Was raped as a teen and 'forced' to bear the child to term, once robbed, often sexually harassed on the job, etc.... the ugly things most women suffer for being women].
It wasn't that I couldn't or didn't figure this out in the past. It's that it so naturally sprang from my psyche. She was absolutely amazed, so much so that she was somewhat startled that some inner piece of me seemed to be transitioning into a female soul.

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Laura,

I continue to enjoy your support and understanding. Thanks.

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AUDREY,
Your answer was one of the most interesting, and it brought up a point that was frustrating me too. I again confess that in retrospect I likely am and WAS moving far too quickly.
BUT.... you point is well made. I wasn't seeing any "movement" in The Wife's attitude toward greater acceptance and cooperation. I hadn't spent much time dressed up. A little bit around the house and her in private; causal clothes/leggings, etc. I spent nearly all our winter beach vacation in full guy mode and have gone out of my way to offer her the picture of the "manly man'" she loves.
It was like she had arrested the CD infection. It would spread no further. We also got to a comfortable point where we didn't talk about "it", which was a mistake. Because "it" was still moving within me. More realization of a transgender identity.
Yes, I want her to also move on WITH ME on this journey. I've seen transitions where the wife and life partner do NOT bail out on the relationship when transition occurs. I know it's possible. It's difficult and fraught with peril for loved ones, I believe, but it's possible to do this without tearing up the family. I know it.

[Teresa]

For many of is it's like walking a tightrope , we know the fall is coming but don't know how bad until it happens !

Ilene is trying so hard to shake off the male straightjacket as many of us do , it gets harder with age . To some she will always be the Navy fighter pilot , we mustn't forget there are now women filling those roles . Many years ago I photographed the wedding of two R.A.F. officers, the groom was a Regiment officer and the bride a recently qualified fighter pilot , that really was a fun wedding to be part of .

[GretchenM]

Ilene,

What a wonderful birthday. Happy Birthday. And what a wonderful story. I am very happy for you and that you found your way. Such amazing progress since we met a couple of years ago (or was it longer). You have changed so much; I have too but mostly internally. You are on course and at the helm (Navy to Navy talk?)

All best to you,

Gretchen

[Heidi Stevens]

Sorry I was late to the party, Ilene, but I’m glad to learn what all happened for you. I’m glad you had a wonderful day!

[IleneD]

Teresa,

I absolutely enjoy and integrate much what you share about your experience. And trust me, I do understand completely; and just from reading this board over the last couple years I've learned how difficult CD is on existing long term marriages/relationships. It seems so silly that it should be so devastating to other people. It's not like we're making THEM dress up. Loved ones seem to take it so personally. I try to tell everyone "Please don't. Please don't take it personally. It has nothing to do with you."

My wife is and has always been my best friend in life. You only get maybe one or a few of such people during our term on Earth. People have never been disposable to me. [We can always buy a new jet but we can't buy a new pilot.] I don't want something to happen like happened between you and your wife. I know, you had no other choice. It took a lot of courage.
I think I can make this "CD life" and possible transition work. [I rate transition but at this point in my life, is it worth the personal price to make the extreme physical changes, etc.]
Thanks for sharing. Much of what you've said is spot on, especially about why CDing is rejected.

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Teresa,
You've once again hit upon something, and that is "shaking off the male straightjacket...."
Wow.
For most of my twisted inner life, I wrestled with the identity and orientation issues. I was socially conditioned, often forcefully, to be a typical American male of my times; the 50s, 60s, etc. Ilene was denied. Ilene was hated. Ilene was told to go away and she never would; not to this day. Life was spent in denial.
I find my own social conditioning as a Male to be difficult to overcome. A good example is how I reflexively hold the door open for a(nother) woman as a gentleman would. It's not all bad. The Guy I was in my past life was still a pretty good guy.

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Thank you, Heidi.
You life, your transition has been an inspiration to me. It speaks to the possibilities.

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Sarah,

Love you with all my heart. You are one of my board stars, and to have you reach out is so kind.
Yes, wives don't sign up for this. She's known me as an ENTIRELY different man for 4 decades. I understand.
I sense you're hinting at what many have written to me. Slow down. It takes time for those who did not sign up for it to grow accustomed to it.

And please, Sarah. Maybe your own marriage relationship is something you have mastered as well as your style. If you have recommendations for how to successfully integrate my new life with my old life, I am listening.
Thanks.

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Gretchen,

You are such a dear, and I regret not keeping in better touch with you.
You would be one of those erudite, intelligent sound voices of wisdom.
I'll have time this summer. Let me PM you later and we can try to get together for another lunch.
Thanks.

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Auntie,

Listen.... that lad is an internet genius. He could probably hack into a North Korean reactor.
The FB thing hit home big time, and I am re-thinking my entire FB presence. That being said, what he told me was that it wasn't just the FB thing that led to uncovering me.
First, he saw me personally change in appearance and behavior up close and personal. So he thought something weird was going on.
He said he was clued by advertisements that would pop up on my normal "real life" (not Ilene) FB page for places like Long Tall Sally. Somehow he was able to follow the algorithm links to my other FB site for Ilene (that I took great care to secure and sequester).
He told me that I'd actually done a good job of creating my Ilene FB page and being able to keep it separate and distinct from my other page. BUT.... you are correct. We all know this. If you put it on the internet in almost any way, it really isn't THAT secure.
Thanks for writing and commenting. You are always a wise one.