A New Guilt.

[Lydianne]

Greetings, all!

Several of us who discovered at an early age that something was up will have experienced guilt among a bunch of other emotions. In many cases, it takes a long time to get past it. I have done so for the most part, but it's still difficult sometimes when facing people that have contributed to my life. They love the guy they think I am, but they would hate who I really am.. but I can't just dismiss them because their contribution towards where I am today has already been banked. Parents, for example. But apart from that, I'm working through it and trying to be positive.

However, two occurrences made me feel a new kind of guilt. The first one is totally on me:

A guy asked me whether I had a lighter. Now, I never thought I would ever go outside en femme; so I never worked on a voice. My normal speaking voice does not reverberate in my chest and is quite smooth. In pitch, it's higher than some of the age 50-something women with whom I work, but it's still a male voice, I think. So in reply to that guy, I just looked apologetic, showed some palms and slowly shook my head. He just said, "Ah, OK", and continued on.

I felt horrible. Now, in my head, I know that if he would have read my voice as male, things could have potentially got bad for me. They might not have, but they might have. In my conscience, the politeness with which he asked me deserved better courtesy. It took me a few days to make peace with what I did, but I think that with the tools I had available, what I did was fine. It's now on me to develop a voice that can withstand two to three-word answers.


The second one was when I was waiting to cross a road. A car was parking right in front of me, and I had to wait for it to stop manoeuvring. When it did, another car was approaching. Now, there was nothing else coming other than this one car. It stopped. I thought it also wanted to park by the side of the road. I was eyes-front the whole time. After a few seconds with the car stopped in the middle of the road, I relented and looked at it. The driver, an early twenties guy ( in a BMW btw ), was waving me across! :eek:. BMWs never do that!?!! ( Sorry. I joke :p ). I repeat that there was *no* other car approaching. It would have been quicker for both of us if he would have just continued driving and I cross a clear street afterwards --and I'm 99% positive that would have happened if I would have been in guy mode. But he did the gentleman thing and stopped for me to go first. I waved to him with gratitude and crossed, but again, I felt horrible.

Now, as far as he was concerned, I was a 40-year-old lady; so he wouldn't have been looking for extra-curriculars from me. He was just being a gentleman, and I had deceived him. If he had known about me, he might have cursed me out instead. He might not have, but he might have. I still feel bad about that one, but again, it has to be this way otherwise I would risk things turning bad. Credit to that guy and his upbringing that he shows that respect towards women.

This will take some getting over. I think if I had the intention to transition, then I would be able to accept such gestures with more ease because I would classify myself as a woman and therefore, deserving :strugglin.

- Lydianne.

[AllieSF]

As guilt goes, those situations are very mild and shouldn't even enter the guilt scenario. You may still be hung up on realizing how really easy it is to go out as yourself. If you are worried about deceiving people than go as a man in a dress, which I do not believe is your style. It is not my style. That way you are not deceiving anyone. Going fully dressed with makeup, wigs, shapewear, etc. is considered deceitful by some. I look at it as necessary work to look the way I want. We all give off enough clues to our root maleness to not be deceiving most people. When we do actually pass at a distance or even close up, we should be congratulating ourselves, not feeling sorry for that other person. WE HAVE HURT NO ONE.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Perhaps you're overthinking things...?

[Lydianne]

Allie: Thank you for your reply! :thumbsup:. You are correct that it's not done to deceive. It's an actual personal need.

Ideally ( I think ), I would never interact. I know I need to go out and be seen because otherwise I'd be satisfied with staying indoors. But when I put myself in a position to be seen, I kind of don't want to be seen ( under the radar, blendable, etc ). I know it makes no sense. Maybe that's because of likelihood of being read and all the fallout that comes with it.

There's a line somewhere, but I'm not sure where. I know I'd be happy being referred to as 'she' in a conversation that I am not a part of. However, I also know that I'd feel uncomfortable receiving some of the respect that is reserved for women: e.g first off a sinking ship with children and that sort of stuff. If I present myself the way I do, then some of the stuff in between might come my way, but that's not why I do it, and I kind of don't want most of it. I dress for myself. On the other hand, that stuff validates, and validation is not totally unwelcome . . as long as it's passive :strugglin.

- Lydianne.

[Lana Mae]

Lydianne, IMHO you are feeling guilty over next to nothing! The guy in the BMW may have let the guy you cross the street as well! He may have been just being nice to a person not just a lady! The lighter thing happens all the time! Don't read more into things than is there! Oh, yes and I hold the door open for anyone, male or female! LOL Hugs Lana Mae

[kimdl93]

I don’t really see that as deception. We communicate non verbally to a greater extent than we may realize. And if a gentleman responded in an appropriately chivalrous manner, it speaks well of him. You brought out the good side of a man in a Beemer. No reason to apologize for that!

[Julie Martin]

Lydianne,

I second what Allie said! I've worked hard for many years developing all the tricks of the trade to appear and sound female, or as close to it as a 6' "girl" can get. When you are in guy mode and you hold a door for a woman you don't know, is it any big deal? You're happy to do it, right? It feels like the right thing to do, and in some small way you may make her feel respected. So in my view, no harm done if you are on the receiving end of chivalrous male behavior! The guy in the car could have just been doing what his upbringing or socialization has ingrained in him as how to treat a lady..or maybe he liked what he saw and wanted to check you out a little more while you crossed! Either way..I see nothing to feel guilty about when you get treated as a woman when interacting with stangers..it feels great, and validating! If I order a coffee at Starburcks en femme and the barrista says "what can I get started for you ma'am", that's like hitting a home run! Yeah, pulled it off! Lol. The truth is, you never really know if they read you as female in those situations or are just being understanding ( that's a whoooole other topic) , but feeling like a woman when out dressed is a big part of why a lot of us do this (myself anyway), so if a stranger thinks you're a woman in an innocent, casual situation, and treats you like they would any woman..I say enjoy it!

[Tamsin Secret]

Hi Lydianne,

I think your being way to harsh on yourself. People's emotions are all so different and this is an example of that. I hope you don't dwell on these experiences too long as to me they are more verification that you are achieving what most of us who have stepped out the door in blending/passing.

In both instances one directly one indirectly the people that interacted with you were acceptant at what they saw. Wether or not they actually read you as a crossdresser is irrelevant. They were happy to involve you in a genuine life event (wow that sounds major) but you get my drift?

I would look at these interactions as validation that you can live your life this way should you choose.

P.s Glad to hear your getting out so often, wish it was the same for me!

[audreyinalbany]

don't know where you are, but in many parts of the US you're required by law to stop for pedestrians in the crosswalk. Granted, a lot of drivers don't, but it is still the law They're pretty good about it in New England. In New York State...not so much

[Cherylgyno]

Lydianne. There isn't a cure for this guilt trip you are putting yourself through. I did the same thing to myself many years ago. Mom asked if I would like her to pay for me to transition. I told her know. My Dad simply said that as long as I was happy he was happy and proud of me. I cried like a baby because I thought that my Dad would disown me if he knew.
I haven't transitioned but I did develop breasts due to gynecomastia beginning when I was 50. I don't flaunt but then I don't hide my D cup breasts. A very good friend commented that I am lucky to have feminine breasts, I have something to play with when my wife is away.
Other friends had a not so good response. People that can't accept me as me were never friends in the first place.
Some people might think that I am cold hearted about this. My opinion is that I am the only person on the face of this planet that truly cares about me.

[AllieSF]

From experience, my own, my trans friends and what I have read here, you are in a small group of members here that actually walk out the door. Another big congratulations. I do not expect everyone to go out that door. However, if there is an interest on their part, it is usually because they need more than just sitting and walking around the house dressed en femme. I know that I did. I also know from all that similar experience that once someone goes out and gets beyond that initial fear and nervousness, they realize that a whole new part of their life and enjoyment of that life has opened up for them. You will find that over time that you will learn to raise that voice just a little higher, will gratefully accept the courtesies of others, holding doors open and stopping to let you cross the street and will feel much more natural just being yourself out in the real world. You will want to and will go out more often. My only advice is to be careful, pick your times and locations and be safe. Even in the very liberal and accepting San Francisco Bay Area, we have those rare attacks on trans women. The main thing is that they are very rare here.

I know that you are relatively new here and are continually learning how to be you in presentation and internal feelings. Take it slow at your speed and enjoy, because it really is enjoyable!

[GracieRose]

I agree with the others here.
There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty.
Keep at it.... and keep smiling.

[Diane Smith]

I strongly advise you never to board any boat rickety enough that someone may need to call out "women and children first," no matter how you're dressed.

Incidents like you described are exactly what have helped build my confidence over time in being out and about. Celebrate them and remember them as positive incentives the next time you're planning an outing.

- Diane

[Sami Brown]

I will add my voice to the chorus. I understand your feelings of guilt, but I also think there is no reason to feel guilty.

For myself, I don't feel guilt as much as I do fear, especially with one-on-one interactions. I know it isn't rational, but it is there nonetheless. Despite the fear, I continue to work through it.

I suggest the same for you. The guilt may not make sense, but it is real. Writing about it here is a positive step because you acknowledge it. Now you can chip away at it over time.

Sami

[CynthiaD]

I felt a little guilty the first time a man held the door for me, but I got used to it.

[Lydianne]

Thank you to everybody for your reasoning. I can't directly take down anything any of you have written.

I hold doors open for others independently of their gender. I have had doors held open for me my entire life in male mode; so if I'm dressed, it wouldn't feel any different.

I have had cars allow me to cross roads in male mode before, but it has usually been because my chances of crossing were slim due to busy traffic, and the cars were at crawling pace anyway. This one felt different because of the extent he went to. I take the point about unspoken messages of presentation. By presenting myself differently, I should expect myself to be treated differently. I am actually prepared for different treatment on the negative side, but I wasn't prepared for a positive. It caught me off guard, but still, I feel it's a positive that's unlikely to have have been meant for me - and that's my struggle.

I don't think I'm passable if you look me directly, but at a glance, if you're not expecting that the next woman you see will actually be a man --and quite frankly, who is?--, then on days when my transformation attempt works, I could sneak through.

Diane: Haha! Good advice :). Although, ironically, when boarding such a rickety vessel, women and children would probably also get first priority :p.

Tammy: In your excursion, you pushed the envelope further than I have done in my six or seven combined :notworthy:.

There's still a lot I need to figure out. Thank you all for your support :).

- Lydianne.

[Beverley Sims]

I feel you have an ingrown male outlook that says be polite to women and when you do it as a female you think you are decieving others because of who you are.

[Sallee]

Isn't that part of the fun PASSING people are believing you are a woman. I always enjoy thAt the most. When someone. e holds the door or an SA or any one else says can I help you Mam. I love it when that happens
Enjoy it and have fun

[suzanne]

Guilt comes from knowing youre doing something wrong. But youre not doing anything wrong. You are being who you are and trying to own it. The wrong is being done to you by those who would insist you must fulfil the gender destiny assigned to you in the first second of the doctor's viewing of your genitalia. While accurate for the majority, its not true for us. You need to remember that your gender identity is hard wired like left or right handedness, and that, like handedness, neither way is less valid or more harmful than the other.

I dont know about you, but my family is filled with fundamentalist Christians who firmly believe that God Hates Fags and that I am close enough to being in that category. Despite their sense of certainty, they are wrong, wrong, wrong, and dead wrong. They have conflated societal prejudices with God's Word and can't tell the difference.

You, my dear, are beautiful and perfect Just. As. You. Are. Own that and you can find self esteem and confidence and lose the guilt. Say goodbye to as many haters as you can and get on with the work of art that is YOUR life.

[Becky Blue]

Lydianne, why does it bother you that someone thinks you are a woman and treats you accordingly, is that not the whole point as others have said? Put yourself in the shoes of the BMW driver, he probably momentarily felt good knowing he was being a gentleman to a pretty women. When i am out a Bec I love it when someone opens a door for me.

[DaisyLawrence]

Yeah, what Suzanne said!

[alwayshave]

Lydianne, Your being way to tough on yourself.

[Linda P.]

Lydianne,
I can understand how feelings/emotions can override our rational thoughts and though it may be easy to accept rationally that there is no reason for guilt in this situation, that doesn't make the feelings go away. This is sometimes expressed as a conflict between the mind and the heart. In this case the heart is stronger. I view your feelings as indicative of a concern for others, and a desire for honesty. When those are mixed with dressing, complications can ensue, as we all know. Sometimes after multiple experiences and thought, we arrive at a satisfactory solution to these challenges. In the meantime there is the struggle. Keep your caring and honesty.

[Teresa]

Lydianne,
Yes it's the in between stage , the male thoughts tell you one thing and the female side another, the flattering part is both incidents were associated with you appearing fermale , that has to be a great boost . It's now a point of believing in yourself , I know from that experiece it takes time , I'm sure I will float at the in between state for a while after so many decades of living my male side it's hard to lose it completely .

[Tracii G]

Way overthinking things Lydianne.
There should be no guilt here.

[Lydianne]

Hi all,

It's not my intention to get on all your nerves by continuing to appear as though I'm overthinking; so I'll just make a couple of quick replies and then I'll shut up :shutup:.

Suzanne, my parents' opposition to all things LGBT is also faith based ( and tradition ). I do not know anyone with stonger faith than them; so a come out would be me versus their faith, and I would never win that. I have witnessed other losses versus their faith for much less. Thank you for the kind & supportive comments :).

Sallee, I do think there is a line somewhere. Other people thinking I'm a woman and talking about me as one is one thing. When it influences how I'm treated beyond that line, it could get difficult. Let me propose an example: Imagine you're in a small group of people who only loosely know each other. You're en femme, all of you are in a minivan. The van develops technical issues in the rain. The men get asked to get out and push. You, passing as a woman, do not get asked. How would that feel? I know I would struggle with that. The alternative, though, would be to out myself, which would have the potential to be worse; so I'd probably just stay quiet and squirm. That pass definitely wouldn't be part of the fun.


Linda!.. You understand! :'). Thank you! What others have said about the mind-side is correct, and I'll need to try to get to that point, but what you've said about my present state is complete. Now, I do not want to make it sound as though I go around worrying about others one after the next.. however, I do need to feel that what I'm getting is just; even if it's to my benefit. I might need to develop a mechanism to suppress that feeling because the alternative could be risky.


Thank you, Teresa, for also understanding. You sound as though you've made a great start to your full-time life, although the family stuff might take a bit more time. As far as your personal development is concerned, I think you'll figure this stuff out very quickly.

Thank you to all for your replies! :thumbsup:. I know that you all write what you write from having vast experiences of going out, and I believe in what you write, but it's difficult to get there :straightface:. I'll now promise provisionally to stop over analysing it :).

- Lydianne.

[candice.aihara]

In both situations, you handled it well. Continue as you were; you're fine.

[Stacy Darling]

Some have a beautiful souls on their shoes, some just have a beautiful souls Lydianne!

An honest soul will never want to lie to or deceive people! It's who you are!

Volvo Stacy!

[Kandi Robbins]

Lydianne,

Take it from someone who is the same age as dirt, you are overthinking things. You are a beautiful and valuable human being, who has the right to go about her life. People are being nice to you because you are a nice person and/or they are nice people themselves. Not because they perceive you to be one gender or another. I get smiles, I get doors held open for me and no single human being thinks I am a woman, certainly when they get close enough to me. But I still receive kind gestures. Relish them. The honest truth is that driver didn't assess you, he probably does that all the time, because that is the right thing to do, allowing a pedestrian to pass. Keep working toward "being" not just "being dressed". Pardon the expression from my youth, well before you were born "You've come a long way, baby!". Proud of you!

Your old friend,
Kandi

[Rachelakld]

Instead of worrying about deceiving anyone about your gender.

Remember - we are all humans and (most) humans like to help other humans.

Sometimes gentlemen hold the doors for me, sometimes I hold the door for them.