What does therapy/counseling really get you?

[alison_nyc]

I've toyed around with the idea of talking to a real live person about all the CD stuff over the years. I'm back entertaining the idea again.

In my case, I am not looking to transition full-time and not looking for a couples thing. I am not looking to change my life. I'm almost 44 yrs old, and given certain personal and professional decisions in my life, will remain in the closet likely for the rest of my life, for which I've come to terms with.

That said, it's a lonely decision I've made. The thought of sharing and talking in a non-judgmental safe zone sounds great... but to what end? I can talk to you folks, or find some anonymous chat room to have that kind of "safe" talk too, and it won't cost me out-of-network, out-of-pocket for a conversation on a timer.

For those that have done sessions with a professional, what is true value you received? How often did you go? If you aren't looking to change everything in your life (e.g. not transitioning, not looking for couples therapy, not looking for gender identity, etc.), is it really just an expensive friend?

[Lana Mae]

There are some insights that a counselor has that a friend might not! They mostly make you think about things that you might not have considered or look differently at things you may be considering! The decision of course is yours! My insurance covers mine so there is no cash out of pocket! Best wishes on your decision and your journey! Hugs Lana Mae

[kimdl93]

My experiences with counseling were driven by a medical necessity....I was deep, clinically depressed in the aftermath of divorce. Medication alone may have mediated the symptoms, but the therapist’s job was to help me learn healthier thinking habits. Second divorce nearly 20 years later and I went through a similar episode. More medication and therapy. You might think one time would be enough, but it’s likely that I’m predisposed to depression, and any mind is a complex and irrational place.

If if you’re satisfied with your situation then you don’t need an expensive confidant. If you’re troubled, that’s another matter.

[April Rose]

#1 what Lana Mae says.

#2 When you go for counseling to a professional, you have a legitimate expectation of objectivity as well as empathy. The "end" I think you will find, is that you will feel a little less isolated, a little more affirmed in your humanity. You will be surprised at how much you will value that if you get to experience it.

As for myself, I went through therapy for a couple of years, on a weekly basis. I went, originally, to deal with my gender issues, but we ended up going into a lot of things that I never would have considered without the guidance of a seasoned empathetic professional. Many years later, I am still in the transgender spectrum, But I am convinced that I am a happier, kinder, more socially engaged person than I was when I started out.

It may be all about gender for you; it may not. The only way to find out is to give it a shot.

[Pat]

I suppose the two things that I'd mention are:

1) The therapist is not your friend. That's one of the really important things about the relationship. You don't have to say the right thing to keep their high regard for you intact. You can say what you really feel and there are no consequences as there might be with a friend.

2) Typing something on a computer screen does not have the same reality as saying it aloud to another human being. Things that sound right in your head, that seem reasonable whey you say them to yourself or that are completely irrefutable when you write them in a chatroom turn to utter rubbish when you say them to another human being. And with a therapist, trained in active listening as they are, they might ask a single, simple question that will make your long-held argument come crashing down when you try to answer it.

So, no, I don't think talking to a therapist is buying a friend or paying someone to tell you what you want to hear or any of the other negative stereotypes. If you go see one, probably the first question you'll have to answer is, "What do you expect to get out of this?" What do you think you might answer?

[Sami Brown]

I am kinda in the same boat as Alison, the OP. Like her, I haven't gone to a counselor before. I am also not looking to transition, and my relationship with my wife is fine.

Unlike Alison, I do have a specific counseling goal: my fears of interpersonal interactions with others while en femme. I have been whittling away at this myself, but I think having a counselor would speed it up.

Alison, I think Pat is absolutely right. You probably won't get much benefit if you don't have a specific reason to go. I think you should explore how you would answer that question first.

My opinion from what you wrote is that overcoming your "lonely decision" might be the kernel of what you would want to explore with a counselor. However, if you have already come to complete terms about that decision and the loneliness it entails, it may not be worth the effort. You may have already arrived at what you consider to be an acceptable endpoint.

Sami

[Tracii G]

Why not join a trans group in your area and meet some people that are just like you so you can share experiences.
Trans groups are not "hook up" groups they actually talk about important things to all Trans people or just CDers.
Joining a group was one of the best decisions I ever made.

[nvlady]

Go down to the bottom of the page to the meeting people section and post an ad that says you're in NYC and just want to meet someone and talk. You could both meet in drab and share a cup of coffee, or a few beers. I'm sure with all the people in NYC there's gotta be a few thinking the same thing as you.

[docrobbysherry]

I have visited a number of therapists for a number of reasons. If u go to one just to chat and he/she does? You've found a bad therapist. Like Pat said, a good one will kick u out after one session without problems to solve!:Angry3:

A therapist's job is to help u identify your problems and help u outline possible solutions. NOT, "Be your friend", Alison!

When I talked with one about my dressing during my marriage break up, she asked what kind of problems it involved. Within 15 minutes she said, "Well, it sounds like your dressing isn't an issue. So, let's talk about u and your wife's real issues."
My dressing had nothing to do with my breakup. It was in the early, "trying socks in a throwaway bra a couple of times", stage. :straightface:

If u don't have issues, don't waste everyone's time and your money on an experienced counselor! Do what Tracii suggested. Go out and meet other T's! I just came back from a week of "T therapy" with some dear T friends in Vegas. It's NOTHING like chatting online. They r real people with real emotions and real issues. They can become real friends. And, unless they r wearing a mask? You'll get them rite away!:heehee:

[Beverley Sims]

I think a counselor gives you reinforcement in what you already know, I suggest getting out with a group of like minded people.

This to me seems much better.

[alison_nyc]

Thanks to all for your thoughtful words. There are many reasons that spending time with like-minded individuals is problematic for me, so the local group represents a untenable situation. Sadly, that's not an excuse - it's very real concerns tied to my career. Those are the choices I've made.

But Pat is asking the right question - what do I expect to get out of this? I don't know. In my mind, perhaps some inner peace. I can't change who I am, and certain specific choices of how I choose to live with this I've made my peace with, but dressing still represents a slew of unregulated emotions that are complex, thrilling and often depressing. I've spent years lurking on boards like this finding posts that I identify with as my coping mechanism to-date. So in my mind, talking to a professional represents some sort of idealistic clarity.

That said, to what end? Maybe I sleep better at night? I don't know.

[Patricia_Campi]

I have had some counseling sessions for almost a year.

The professional was a very good one and specialized in this subject. Well, for me, it was the best money I spent! She did the right questions, forced me to think about a lot of things and I was able to come to my answers! I could accept who I am and saw that there is no "normal" people or one or two ways of being.

To make the story short, I learned to accept myself and my CDing!

Sorry for my english.

Cheers,

Patricia

[Sidney]

I think you have found a reason for counseling, you say you want inner peace.

I have need in counseling weekly for over two years. Originally went for gender issues but found that that was not my real issues. I have so to speak found my inner peace. Without Lisa my counselor I never would be where I am today. I truly love myself. My wife and friends have all commented about how happy I always am. This in turn has improved my relationship with my wife and all the people I love.

If you do choose counseling just go in with an open mind. Wishing you good luck.

[Stephanie47]

"Is it really just an expensive friend?"

I would hope a professional counselor would cut a client/patient loose when he or she felt you were at peace with whatever issues you may have. If you have come to terms with being a closeted cross dresser for the remainder of your life is there an issue that needs to be addressed? I suspect having asked the question there must be something you feel is lacking in your life. There are "certain personal and professional decisions" in your life which keeps you closeted. Frankly, that was and still is me. When I was working I feared being 'outed' because of my public position. As a retiree I don't have to deal with that. Case solved. Next issue. The family, immediate and extended. Revealing true self is not in the cards. My wife is not on board with my desire to wear women's clothing. If I cannot wear women's clothing in front of her, the person who loves me, my partner in life, I do not think I can 'out' myself to the extended family. So, what's a guy to do? For me I am content to limit my cross dressing to strictly personal time. I have no desire to just roam the streets and stores en femme. I am in my comfort zone. Are you?

If there is something lacking then counseling may help you come to terms with those issues. I can understand, but not necessarily agree, with the desire to totally hide the counseling from work in the sense of "why is this guy going to personal counseling sessions?" Inquiring minds?

I do go to counseling. I've been going since 2010. It's not cross dressing related. It's related to PTSD for war related issues. However, the reason I have gone was to get my head screwed on right. Confront the issues. Put them is proper prospectus in life. Identify the fears. Deal with it. I am go to group therapy with other guys with the same issues. We don't sit around talking about the issues which brought us together. It's just the fact we know we have a common bond.

To me it sounds as if you would benefit from counseling. It does not mean you have to see a counselor every week. At some point when the issues have been identified and dealt with counseling can become "as needed." The term I have heard many times is a "touch up." Dealing with an issue of the moment.

[Teresa]

Allison,
To answer your last question first , in the UK we can get counselling through the NHS from a referral from a GP, so it costs nothing , the down side is it make take some time for an appointment .

I had two lots of therapy , the first was to update my mental state after my GP was transferring my medical records onto the computer system. It was to ensure I had no thoughts of self harming which I went through twenty years ago. I knew I didn't anyway. I'm in a DADT situation so it was good to talk issues through with an impartial person. The good point was I managed with her help to deal with coming out to my son, the down side was she couldn't answer my gender issues . So I pressed my GP to see a gender counsellor , she was very helpful but their budget was cut and my sessions finished. So what did I achieve , well it became clear that I needed to escape the DADT suppression if I was to find myself , my wife refused to attend the sessions so I hit a brick wall , no where to go with ther issues discussed . I did discover that my GD wasn't severe enough to need transition but I the female side was stronger and trying to take over , tat was discovered from my early childhood .

It's questionable if you can call them an expensive friend , they are professionals who will listen, ask the right questions ans try and guide you in the right direction, to some they are life savers to others aa leaning post , just giving enough support to get you through a difficult situation .

You are right you can talk to members here on the forum, I Iknow it's been said that we aren't the professional but in this field we are the information and source of the information the profeesionals work with , we live it everyday , so what wew have to say does have value . The problem is the TG spectrum is very broad , we all have different issues and it affects us in different ways . it's often better to PM someone if you think their story could help you , I have found it useful to get a balanced view.

As for staying in ther closet , don't worry abouit it if you feel you have come to terms with it, to me it felt like solitary confinement , trapped with no where to go and no one to talk to . It's also important not to deny yourself, you have to be honest with yourself if you want to move forward , if you can't come to terms with it a wife/partner never will .

[Rhonda Jean]

I did it when my wife (now ex) left. I laid it all out, including writing extensively about things I was in a hurry to get to and felt it was the most expedient way to get her up to speed. I have never before or since told anybody everything. It was my first experience with therapy, and not something I ever thought I'd do. Under the circumstance I started, I was going twice a week for maybe the first couple of months, and couldn't wait until the next appointment. I would have never thought that it would have felt so necessary and so freeing to unload things that I had previously not known needed unloading. Although I received advice and even a diagnosis, so to speak, it was my speaking with absolute freedom that did me the most good. Sounds very strange to pay whatever it is an hour just to talk openly to somebody, but it was worth every penny.

There's a bit of a background story about how I even ended up going, and perhaps some ulterior motive on my ex's part. But even given all that, it did me a lot of good just to get it out.

On them being an expensive friend... For me, not even close. I told my therapist things I've never told anybody. Not on an anonymous forum, certainly not in real life.

[alison_nyc]

I've decided to give it a shot. I've spent money on truly stupid things with no redeemable benefit with no regrets... spending money for something that could become something positive for me seems like something I should take a chance on. And worst off, I can walk away.

Thank you all for the candidness. I needed that.

[Shely]

Alyson, I have been through a counseling many years ago and it did help. My wife and i both went and now we have been married for 43 years. the DADT routine isn't the best way to deal with CDing, but we do get along very well in all other areas. I have been think recently of going back and seeing if we could eliminate the DADT part of our relationship. Good Luck in your search for the best councilor in NY.:thumbsup:

[Krisi]

I have always viewed a therapist as somewhat like a consultant - someone you pay to tell you what you want to hear. I've been to therapists years ago for non-crossdressing issues and don't think it changed anything except for my bank balance.

That's my opinion, nothing else.

[Teresa]

Krisi,
OK your opinion maybe a little cynical but not true in many cases, to some they literally are life savers . Perhaps in your case there wasn't a desparate need but I know I needed some help to see things clearly and also in my case it didn't cost me anything because it was on the NHS .

[Devi SM]

I haven't read all the post for this thread but this is my own experience.
I went looking answers to explain my "thing" but I didn't receive them.
But what I receive was someone to openly talk about my inner deepest desires, thoughts and needs.
Then she reinforce my own research, confirm them and then help me to design an approach to talk with my wife.
I already talked with wife but things weren't ok.
Now after almost a year in therapy, thing are really good with wife and I'm more clear on who I am, and where I want to go.

[KatrinaK]

I was really struggling about a year ago with self-acceptance issues, largely related to coming out to my wife and the struggles we’ve gone through coming to a place of acceptance, which has worked out well. I d have a couple of thoughts.

1) just the act of being able to speak to someone non-judgmentally about everything I’ve gone through since I was 6 was one of the most valuable experiences of my life. It’s helped me SO much in my journey and I’m in a really positive place now

2) I picked the wrong counselor originally. She wasn’t equipped to help me with the specifics of gender issues/dysphoria. I’m like you in that I have no desire to transition, but that doesn’t mean that there are complicated psychological issues that surround people like us, largely because of societal pressures rather than anything being “wrong” with me

3) And this may be good advice to those that don’t know this! At least in the USA. My counselor asked me if I wanted to put it on insurance. I said sure! Free counseling! She said, maybe not so fast... anything that is billed to insurance is discoverable in a life insurance application. I asked if I could wait until the end of the first session to make a decision. She agreed. In the end, she advised me to pay for it outright, as gender dysphoria is associated with one of the highest suicide rates of any discernible group, and she felt that it could compromise future life insurance applications or raise premiums.

So my advice is DEFINITELY do it, but probably pay out of pocket if you can for that reason. You’ll be very rewarded with t he bliss that comes with sharing, particularly if you’re deeply closeted.

[Jaymees22]

I did go to a therapist and I really think she helped me not with just CDing but some other issues I was having. It's not a waste of money or time. She did suggest finding and going to a support group which I did and that was a help too.

[SaraLin]

Here's how I think of a therapist...

If there's something wrong with my car, I go go a mechanic. He has the tools to fix the problem. But I have to talk to him and explain what the problem is first.
If an appliance is acting up, I call a repairman. Again, unless it it totally kaput, I have to explain the problem I want fixed.

the same goes with my mind. If I'm having problems with something that are beyond my ability to fix, I need to call a professional in. I've done this with both my gender issues and my depression.
Again, I had to tell them what was wrong and what I wanted help with. Their help was invaluable and I owe my very life to their help.

Now that I've said all that - I have to say this...
You don't take your car to the mechanic when the windshield washer tank needs to be refilled.
You don't call the repairman if the fridge light burns out.
You also don't need to call for counselling if your problems aren't beyond your ability to handle yourself.

Only you can decide what 'problem' is beyond your ability to take care on your own, and what you need to call a professional in for.