First (Big) Step to Gender Therapy and support

[IleneD]

I did it.
After much consideration and thinking about where I am on the Spectrum (yes, you know; the transgender spectrum). It was time to seek more professional guidance and counseling.

I went to my first meeting for a transgender support group. It was a weekly "come as you are" support group for TGs. Walk-ins were welcomed.
At first I had no deliberate plan to attend. I had a full and busy schedule (of baseball) that always seemed to interfere with the weekly start time (6:30P) at the GLBT Center (of Denver). On this particular day my game ended quickly and the field was not far from The Center. So I left on my umpire clothes and made it to the meeting.

Everyone attending was en femme (of course) except for me (who just dashed from my baseball field). One young woman (a lad of about 18-19) was there in Guy Mode. He/She (didn't have a femme name) had been kicked out by parents and relatives, needed a job; needed a place to stay [ currently living with friends] and was desperate for help and support in beginning her journey.

The "usual crowd" of attendees must have thought me some kind of lunatic, crashing their meeting. Here I was in basically the most "guy" clothing (black t-shirt, grey slacks; noting femme) I could find, and all the girls were dressed. The group was about 20 T-girls; all in various stages of transition. Some post-op. Some getting ready to op. Some taking their first steps and some in stable transitions that will go no further.

Best of all, they accepted me ALL. I introduced myself to the group, and provided the shortest version of my Long Story I could narrate. Heads nodded. Yes, they'd heard much of this before. Their "surprise" turned. They could see (I believe) I was a kindred spirit at the least.

After almost 3 years of being serious about my crossdressing, and recognizing that it has gone WAY beyond just dressing up. It's a part of the fabric of my being. I know I need professional help and I've been reluctant to find it. Transition is not something that The Wife wants to hear about. None of it (yet).
I don't have a definite plan or vision for a medical or surgical transition. I leave open all possibilities, though, depending on what I learn via support groups, discussions and counselors. I feel that I'm already "transitioning" in my own mind and have been for the last 3 yrs and beyond (since coming out). If you crossdress, you've made a transition already. I have.

This was my first steps into a professional facility that staged professionally guided assistance. Next step is to find a good gender counselor. I need to and want to take is slowly still; checking myself and motivations every step along the way. I figure the speed of "hair growth" is about the speed I should slowly and gradually transition to living as a woman.

I felt very good about the meeting and the connections. Next time I will go en femme. Let the others know I'm for "real". It's a foot in the door and a step on the path. Never felt so good about where my life is going with my re-discovery; not in a long time.

[TracyT]

Ilene, I can hardly express how much i love and admire this post. You have my full admiration. And I can guarantee you that wherever this path leads it will be to a richer and more authentic life. Please keep us updated!

[jennifer0918]

Good for you IIlene so happy for you

[grace7777]

Ilene,

I hope things work out for you in whatever you decide.

I remember in September of 2015 going to my first trans discussion group at the LGBT center in the Hillcrest area of San Diego. That led to Beginning hormone therapy in November of 2016, name/gender change in March of 2017, then full-time in June of 2017. Now I hope to have SRS by the end of 2018.

Like you I started my journey as a crossdresser. Thought being able to out dressed once or twice a month would be great. Over 5 years ago, I never expected to be where I am now. Like you crossdressing led me to confront who I am. For me since childhood, I have tried to run away from it.

Before even starting transitioning, like you I was checking myself and my motivations along the way. Making sure this was right for me. Making sure I could handle living as a woman. Whatever you decide, make your own decisions, do not let people push you one way or the other. Now of course you should seek advice and counsel, but you make decisions you are comfortable with. Not having a spouse or SO definitely made my decision easier.

Transitioning is tough and requires sacrifice, but for some of us it is the only satisfying way.

Maybe you find a path not leading to transitioning, and if you can find happiness then that is good.

Take Care,
Grace

[Beverley Sims]

Ilene,
You have taken the first of many steps on a long journey, if you decide that way.

Meanwhile, step two go dressed to the next meeting and establish yourself.

I also wish you all the best in what you do.

[DMichele]

Ilene,
Thanks for sharing your first step and the support group's acceptance. I really should seek out a support group in my area too. Good luck moving forward.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

Ok, I'm going to be somewhat of a downer but I am compelled to add caution to the mix.

Support groups can be good and a worthwhile resource but they also are not impartial. You're talking about making some life changing decisions and everyone there is going to recommend jumping off the cliff with them. You wrote that all of the group was in various stages of transitioning while you don't know where your journey is going to lead. Keep your options open and make the decisions "you" want, not what the group wants you to do.

You mentioned that your wife is not on board with transition. This is a very large issue which has to be considered in any decision you make. From personal experience this may be viewed very negatively by the group.

As you mentioned you NEED to talk to a Therapist who deals with gender issues. Finding one that knows what they're doing and relates to you is going to be the problem. Many therapists don't know anything about gender issues. You wind up teaching them! Not a great situation.

I wish you well on your journey, whichever road you decide to travel.

[CarlaWestin]

Ilene, thank you so much for such an enlightening and positive post. I've been inspired to, once again, attempt to find a suitable support group here in Las Vegas once again.

[CONSUELO]

Ilene,
A good start but as Linda noted while the support group will help you should not use the advice heard there as the sole support for future major decisions. The next step is a good and experienced counsellor/therapist who will help you through the next several stages.
In the meantime enjoy the support group and I hope you make a lot of friends there. As Beverley said, go dressed the next time.

[Sherri_Christopher]

I wish you well on your journey, IleneD!

[Rogina B]

Ok, I'm going to be somewhat of a downer but I am compelled to add caution to the mix.

Support groups can be good and a worthwhile resource but they also are not impartial. You're talking about making some life changing decisions and everyone there is going to recommend jumping off the cliff with them. You wrote that all of the group was in various stages of transitioning while you don't know where your journey is going to lead.

You mentioned that your wife is not on board with transition. This is a very large issue which has to be considered in any decision you make. From personal experience this may be viewed very negatively by the group.

As you mentioned you NEED to talk to a Therapist who deals with gender issues. Finding one that knows what they're doing and relates to you is going to be the problem. Many therapists don't know anything about gender issues. You wind up teaching them! Not a great situation.

Good advice as I see the situation ! Your life situation is far different than most that are at these support meetings ! You have had a long marriage and have a complex lifestyle. You wife has earned the right to grow old with you. For years,she never knew if you would make it back alive,so i suspect she wants you to be around now. Perhaps with the right gender specialist you can design a better life that your wife can get onboard with. Beware of teaching Dr Costalot .. I have always thought from your posts that you have had unrealistic expectations based on your situation.

[kimdl93]

seems like a prudent approach. I have yet to attend my first official gender therapy session...work got in the way. My goal is simple and limited: to find a way to accommodate my need to present as a woman within the limits of the other demands of my life.

[alwayshave]

Ilene, never been to such a meeting my self, but sounds like it was a great experience for you.

[Teresa]

Ilene,
I found meeting others very quickly brought a balance to my CDing , actually seeing how others dress and behave , it's also good to talk to TSs, whether you envy them or wonder if truly that is what you want. It's good to see you now consider the stages of transition , as you say you are already on that road but you also have the sense to say I can step off at any point . That's is how I now see it, don't be pressured, decide what you want considering all the circumstances. I know how much you wish to stay in your marriage , I reached the point where I knew I couldn't live without it and my wife couldn't live with it , so far it's working out OK we are good friends but I know there's no going back into that relationship again , we are both more content and happy .

[GracieRose]

Ilene,
I have been following your journey and have utmost respect for how you are thinking this through. As I read about your experiences and the experiences of others on this site, I am always comparing to my situation; especially where I similarities to my own life. I've learned a lot here.
I had some of the same concerns as Linda and Rogina wehn I read your posting. Perhaps that is because my concerns for my relationship with my wife tempers my actions (often, not as much as she would like). However, you have to figure out what is best for you. No one here or in your support group can do that for you. I think you already know that.
Like most challenges in life, positive change usually comes along with losing something else, and hanging on to something we want to keep, can hold us back from going somewhere we also want to go. I've realized that we can't get everything we want, in many aspects of life, including , for most of us on this site, our gender non-conformance. We can only do our best to choose the best course of action.
I'm wishing you peace and happiness in your journey. I'll be rooting for you from the sidelines.
-Gracie

[LexiNexi]

People often forget or don't know that taking the hormones or getting surgery is all they have to do. For me the pills are just half of it. Weekly therapy with an LGBT threrapist are just as important.

Good for you! and going dressed as a guy is OK they can see that you are still at the beginning!

[Aunt Kelly]

I can offer no words that would add to the comments before mine, so, Ilene, just picture a big smile on my face. I am so happy to see hear that you have taken this step.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Julie Denier]

Best wishes in your journey ;)

[Kandi Robbins]

Very happy you are finding your peace!

[Rogina B]

People often forget or don't know that taking the hormones or getting surgery is all they have to do. For me the pills are just half of it. Weekly therapy with an LGBT threrapist are just as important.

Good for you! and going dressed as a guy is OK they can see that you are still at the beginning!

Your comments are so wrong ! There is more than one person involved here !

[Sometimes Steffi]

Ilene

I have never been to a support meeting, but I have gone to several gender therapists over the years, and many of my MDs have been "read into the program" or have seen me with long fingernails or painted toenails.

I have been in a number of TG social groups. I've often talked about the DC trans ladies meetup group that I'm in. In fact, we had a meetup last night with over 50 girls participating, and as usual several new girls, including one for whom it was first time out in public.

Again, as most of you know, my wife of almost 40 years is not with the program. When we married, we swore, "Until death do we part." The boy me took that oath, and he plans to keep it. I have no plans currently to consider transition, mainly because of the oath I took. My wife and I always agreed to grow old together, and that we will do.

Under different circumstances I might consider transition more actively. But right now, it's off the table. While it might be better for me, it would not be better for us.

So, my word to you is to think very carefully before you "drink the lemonade." Don't not do it, but think carefully about it.

[Joann0830]

I am 69 Years with issues since I was 7 that I can recall . After all these issues which I Faced and Dodged I realized that I am who I am and Know I should have bee born a Girl and at 69 almost 70 in August that I now am seeking help and wanting to dress and appear as I should be a Woman. I called my insurance Company and explained to them my issue of Gender Dysphoria and I am now seeing a Clinical Therapist who has helped me to realize that all my years that I was always trying to please my Father and Mother and Brothers . I now know that I was not TRUE to myself and not being Happy. I go to her office dressed as I should be and have openly spoke to members of my family and some friends and told them of myself, I do get the question many times How did I deal with this for all these years. I have never felt as Kimdl93 as stated feeling guilty and shamefully being different, the only feeling I have had is I should have corrected this issue Many Years ago. I was married have two Daughters and my Wife knew about it but stood by me as My Wife and Best Friend and both my Daughters know and one of them is there with me at the Psychologist Office to help me . I will say I am here for anyone who is going through what I have went through
Joann0830
291324

[Samantha2015]

Congrats Ilene, wishing you all the best.

[Stephanie Julianna]

I used to belong to The Connecticut Outreach in Hartford back in the '90's into this century. However, I found that the group was slowly morphing into a group that were starting to transition as many either were not married or slowly divorcing. Being married with children I found myself partially surrounded by people encouraging me to be "true to myself" and consider transitioning. I had already done all that and had decided to stay married and close to my kids while juggling my femme self when I could. So I drifted away. That is why I will be trying to help form a social group here in CT for those of us who want a more balanced approach to enjoying our time dressing. If you have sort of decided to transition than I think support groups are wonderful and I actually recommend them since that is not an easy path and help is really important to have.

[IleneD]

....... Your life situation is far different than most that are at these support meetings ! You have had a long marriage and have a complex lifestyle. You wife has earned the right to grow old with you. For years,she never knew if you would make it back alive,so i suspect she wants you to be around now. ...... I have always thought from your posts that you have had unrealistic expectations based on your situation.

Rogina,

Thank you for whacking me between the eyes with a 2 x 4. I needed that.
Trust me. I truly appreciate your perspective, or what may be considered a counter-perspective. It rings so true, and I like the way you phrased it.
Indeed, she has earned the right to grow old on something of her own terms (hopefully with me). I'm certain I am among many forum sisters who have contemplated, even been tempted, by the allure of transition into our femme selves. The only real obstacle is Real Life; the marriages, relationships and careers we enjoy.
People are not disposable to me, especially this woman who has been by my side for so long and through so much. Yes, she and that relationship are the priority. Next, is my own peace of mind and soul with being more of myself. If I must make a sacrificial choice between the 2 lives, I will remain with her and my family.

I'm going to this "transition" group not so much to be supported through a FULL transition. It is more a way for me to get a foot in the door of this community. To find connections and resources, and then hopefully move into more professional help in sorting out my late life gender identity issues. I believe and feel I am transgendered. The question is WHAT TO DO about it; and how far to take it. Professional help will help determine "is this real" and what kinds of reasonable "treatments" are there for the dysphoria that can hopefully preserve as much of my existing wonderful life as possible.
Asking too much?

BTW.... I am intrigued by you commend about having unrealistic life expectation. PM me some time. I'd love to hear you expound on that theme.
One of the reasons I love and value this forum, Rogina, is that not everyone tells you what you want to hear. Sometimes you hear what you need to hear. Unlike a "support group" which is decidedly PRO-transition all the way, this forum has voices of experience and wisdom. I believe there's a few sisters here who have been very tempted and wanted transition with all their heart, only to get right up to the edge before deciding to proceed with their Old Life (and CD). I've not decided upon a final destination. Still reading the road signs.
Thanks Rogina.

[Teresa]

Ilene,
It's a case of what you feel is right, this forum and the support group can give a different perspective on things , maybe something that never occured to you . Please don't feel brow beaten by anyone, I felt recently that I had gone from wearing a male straightjcaket to wearing a female one , not only were some members giving comments that I felt had no bearing to members in my social group telling what I should and shouldn't do when dressed . If we want to transition we must find ourselves and not base our future on other people's ideals .

I'm going to give a different perspective to the comment about you wife earning certain rights, the way it's written suggests you are giving up or prepared to give up all your rights . You have earned that for yourself as much as anyone why do you have to relinquish it ? You have earned the right to be you if that means accepting Ilene is part of your life then so be it . I personally feel you will fall into the same sitaution as me, full transition isn't on the cards for many reasons , which means your wife does not have to accept the inevitable that you will become a woman . So she isn't going to lose the man she knew for all those years , he may appear somewaht different be he'll still be there for her . I have to accept that is my situation at the moment even though we've separated , I know it's early days and I have to wean my wife off the support she still expects but then she has the ace cards of our children and grandchildren .

In your heart of hearts I know you do realise the true path , it isn't a easy one to take in your circumstances but at the end of the day you will look back and realise it wasn't so bad . To some you will still be the old tough guy to others you will be Ilene you have to find that balance , so keep going to these meetings they will do no harm .

[Lana Mae]

Ilene, see my post "Maybe not 24/7!"! Good next step going to the support group! Counselor might be next! I agree with Rogina and Linda! I had to come to a complete stop in order to see things more clearly! It is your journey of course and I am not telling you how to live it! Only the best of wishes!! Hugs Lana Mae

[Jeri Ann]

I'm going to this "transition" group not so much to be supported through a FULL transition. It is more a way for me to get a foot in the door of this community. To find connections and resources, and then hopefully move into more professional help in sorting out my late life gender identity issues. I believe and feel I am transgendered. The question is WHAT TO DO about it; and how far to take it. Professional help will help determine "is this real" and what kinds of reasonable "treatments" are there for the dysphoria that can hopefully preserve as much of my existing wonderful life as possible.
Asking too much?

Hey Ilene,
Please proceed with caution. I you join a sky diving group, sooner or later you will jump out of an airplane. Seeking professional help, I think, is top priority, not just for you, but for your wife as well. Sounds to me like she needs more help than you do.

[IleneD]

Teresa,

Love you and your advice.
Your situation is similar to mine yet quite different. I suppose everyone's CD experience, development and final integration into their lives is different.
Your point about "earning the right to be me" is very well taken. In many respects, that's what this whole "coming out" is all about. I no longer could tolerate having to hide it or deny my feminine self. [THAT....and I got caught in pink panties.]. I owe it to myself to honor my femme self.
My REAL issue is not a will or a want to live as a woman. I know that. I could do that starting tomorrow in a heart beat. My real issue is integrating my late life revelation into my existing great life. I'm was in total self-loathing denial for a long, long time before I shed the mask and let my inner woman roam freely. I have a family and I have a wife; a great wife, woman and friend. I pray with all my might that I can find a life path that satisfies my need to live out as a woman, yet maintain the valued relationships I have. If I read the passages of this forum, that is not easy and most often results in a broken relationship somewhere.
Thanks. Thanks over and over again, Teresa.

[SamanthaToday]

I think that's so awesome IleneD. After reading I have decided to give my local support another looksie.

[IleneD]

Jeri Ann,

I read you loud and clear, girl.
That kind of group encouragement is one of the reasons The Wife has "issues" with this forum and board. Yes, she's been here lurking and believes this place is only a place for Positive Feedback that only encourages more of the behavior (whatever that is). I know differently. This forum is a place for sound advice and the voices of wisdom. Yes, Jeri. I'm talking about You.
She already has expressed that this group will be all PRO-transition, and may push me towards transition. I agree and I'm trying to attend with eyes wide open.
I can already tell that several of the girls have stories and lives totally different from mine. There's only a couple late transition-ers. The stage or phases of transition differs around the room. But I identify WITH these people and have already identified as TG. It's interesting and comforting to at least be around real people in the flesh who have THIS dysphoria in common.
Right now I'm seeking connections and pathways to other help. Perhaps a recommendation for a good counselor (which is what I really need).
This Center and the sponorship of this group also provides me a great "safe space" where I can dress and be with other people somewhat like me. It is part of my slow growth and slow expansion of my femme life. I know it seems I'm going at light speed at times, but I feel like taking the step to just walk into the GLBT Center was a huge first step in living a happy life with my wife and identity.

- - - Updated - - -

Thanks Lana,

And coming from you, the advice to 'proceed with caution, slowly' is taken well. Nice that you noted Rogina's comments too.
It's a journey, and despite the emotional turmoil is creates at times, it is still a beautiful trip.

[Aunt Kelly]

Jeri Ann,

I read you loud and clear, girl.
That kind of group encouragement is one of the reasons The Wife has "issues" with this forum and board. Yes, she's been here lurking and believes this place is only a place for Positive Feedback that only encourages more of the behavior (whatever that is). I know differently. This forum is a place for sound advice and the voices of wisdom. Yes, Jeri. I'm talking about You.

I am familiar enough with Jeri Ann's story that I'll bet she would be the first to urge anyone considering transition to do so only as a last resort. Oh... wait. She pretty much just did that. :)
Seriously... She is one of the few here who actually knows how completely that last resort can turn one's life inside out. You don't see that group cheerleading, but you can count on them for the solid advice that the cheerleaders and poseurs never deliver. I can see how your wife would get that idea, though. The cheerleaders and poseurs outnumber the real deal many times over.
I told you how pleased I was that you are seeking support and professional guidance to sort this out. That's not cheerleading. It's just sound advice to anyone about to do something that requires commitment and meticulous preparation. You know, like "Check gear down...."

[IleneD]

Auntie,

You are not alone in recognizing that many of our sisters, be they CD or TG (or whatever)....have paid a dear price to seek their souls. One of the reasons I value the forum members here is the different perspectives on key life issues revolving around dressing. The members tell the truth and openly share the good and the not-so-good events that have shaped their crossdressing lives. It isn't all sugar coated.

I am well aware of that kind of bias trap by joining a support group. I also am aware how it may hold value.
What I seek at this juncture in my own gender journey is that First Step; reaching out to others who share my dysphoria or at least my love for my feminine identity aspects. I'm looking for further understanding and connections to professional help. This GLBT Center seemed to be a good place to plant my first foot in making those connections; and this TG support group was the most logical "fit" for an opportunity to introduce myself.
I'm not signing up for transition (though visions of those sugar plums always dance in this head of mine). I'm not taking notes on "how to do it". I want to listen to their experiences and learn. Maybe the lesson to learn will be "I want no part of this."; and I'll be happy living en femme CD as much as possible (I pray - LOL).

The members of this support group are asked to sign confidentiality agreements to keep everything about members private. What goes on there, stays there. Without divulging names or situations, one young woman [post op TS] spoke of her transition. One thing she said was "Make a plan." It can be a long term plan, and it should be long term; but have a step by step plan.
That's where I'm at. Making a first plan. I think right now I will proceed at about the Speed of Hair. I am letting my hair grow out (again.... my first experiment ended in frustration and being nagged). When it reaches below my shoulders, everyone around me should be getting the hint by then. Maybe I will too.
Thanks, Auntie. Love your wise voice. Go slow. Be sure. This is not a cavalier decision. This is your life. Thanks.

- - - Updated - - -

Stephanie,

Thanks for sharing that. Your narrative is something with which I can identify entirely.
In a true sense, I am still married with children. Isn't everyone who has harbored a married or long term relationship with a spouse?!
You seem to have successfully juggled your trans life (CD? don't know if you consider yourself TG or not.), with your existing married life. If your did, those are the kind of success stories I seek. How to make that kind of magic happen, where The Family accepts and maybe even appreciates, and it doesn't tear apart the family fabric. I know it shouldn't but somehow CD can do it.

You mention "If you have sort of decided to transition....". Here's my thoughts on that. In my mind I am already transitioning; maybe even transitionED. I wear women's clothing and feel a women's identity working within me. I'm already over the exclusively male line. In that sense I believe that I have "transitioned" to a new hybrid life, even if it is but in a CD form. I don't know how far I need to go to live satisfactorily with my renewed and re-discovered identity. That's why I'm seeking support and counselors.

You are a big help, Steph. In many ways and from what I know of your own story, you are a great example.
BTW, you look fantastic in your new avatar photo. WOW. You probably think I always had a crush on you. I did. This proves it. If only I could achieve such results. And the dress is magnificent.
Thanks.