Sharing with the guys

[TracyT]

The other thing that happened today was that I ran into a good friend in a parking lot (This was after the bike ride & the athletic club -- I was dropping off my bike at the bike shop for a tuneup.) I was still wearing my athletic skirt, a woman's tank top, and white Keds. I was still in the car, looking for a parking spot, when I saw her walking past. I stopped , rolled down my window, and called to her. We chatted for a while with me sitting in the car. She didn't see my skirt, or my shoes, though the tank top was pretty obviously a woman's.
Here's the thing: had I rolled up 5 minutes earlier I'd have been parked and walking my bike across the lot when I ran into her. Not only is she a close friend, but her husband is in the men's group that I'm a part of. Neither her, nor her husband, nor the other guys in the mens group know that I'm a crossdresser, although they certainly know I'm slightly gender fluid (the cute short bob and the hoop earrings are a giveaway, but they've never seen me in a skirt or dress).
Afterward I was almost disappointed, like I'm ready to share this about myself. I have thought about sharing this with the men's group -- I know for sure they'd say "We love you regardless of what you wear" -- but at the same time I don't feel any urgency to reveal this aspect of myself to them. I'm pretty content with where I am -- maybe complacent is the word.
So I'm okay with "hiding" from this particular group of friends, but I know there's something inauthentic about not sharing such a key part of my personality with a bunch of people I truly value (including their good opinion of me). And, of course, the next time or at some future time I'll be out of the car, and she, or someone else, will see me in my skirt. It's a dilemma that I haven't figured out yet.
Looking forward to your thoughts.

[Helen_Highwater]

Tracy,

It seems as you say inevitable that at some point you're going to reveal your self. It therefore seems that you have a number of options.

You can carry on and when the day comes that you meet someone you know while dressed either just carry on and let them draw their our conclusions or have a prepared explanation so as to not leave any uncertainty in their minds.

The alternative seems to be decide you're going to tell all those that matter, work out beforehand how and what you want to say, and in doing so have full control of the situation.

Accidentally outing yourself could allow the rumour mill to spread misinformation. You revealing yourself in your own time and place of choosing means hopefully only the facts make it into the public domain.

[Beverley Sims]

Think about it, you are enjoying life as it is, why change it with a big reveal.

[Tracii G]

The whole not being authentic thing means what exactly?
You are still you no matter how you dress and how you live your life or who you have for friends.

[kimdl93]

You don't owe anyone else "authenticity". Be yourself, be open with whomever you choose, but at the same time, feel free to keep this to yourself, to the extent that you can. My guess is that the bob and earrings have already opened others to the possibility.

[Alice B]

Don't over think it. Just go about your life as is and let nature take it's curse. Many of us, myself included feel this need to shout to the world "I am a cross dresser". Are we trying to justif ourself? That is not necessary

[docrobbysherry]

People watch porn. Have kinky, not nice thots. Is it unauthentic to not tell everyone u know about those things?

Of course not!:brolleyes:

If u r TS and out, u let everyone know. If u r a closet CD and/or don't dress near where u live like me? U tell people only on a need to know basis!:battingeyelashes:

If u go out where u live dressed and you're outed? U must want that!:heehee:

[Aunt Kelly]

What Kim said...
When it comes to the decision to be out or not, the only expectations that you have to satisfy are your own. You hint at good reasons to not share - the effect that your being out might have on others close to you, but in the end, even that is your call to make, and to live with. FWIW, it seems like you're wanting to share this part of yourself more broadly, so take inventory and ask yourself who wins and who loses, and by how much. Yes, I make that sound ridiculously simple, but that's the calculus we all should be making, no?

[donnalee]

I can only share my view, which is if this is someone you value, answer honestly if asked but don't volunteer information.

[sometimes_miss]

I know for sure they'd say "We love you regardless of what you wear" .
Yes, that's exactly how I thought my ex wife would respond when I told her about my crossdressing. How very, very wrong I was.

Be careful. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. Consider the worst possible reaction that you could get from your friends, and, if you can accept that, then go forward and out yourself. Because once you tell people that you're a crossdresser or show up in a skirt, that's usually going to be the first image that they will have in their head whenever they think of you. Just like, oh, if you find out a child is transgender, you think of that immediately just the same way we always first ask what sex a baby is when we find out someone had one. Gender defines how we will interact with someone. We don't want that to be true, but most of the time, it is.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Tracy :hugs:, If these guys are real friends then it will not matter >Orchid...:daydreaming:...

[Suzie Petersen]

sometimes_miss: Be careful. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. Consider the worst possible reaction that you could get from your friends, and, if you can accept that, then go forward and out yourself.

That is absolutely true and a smart Litmus Test.
Same goes for outting yourself to family and at work.
Very good advise.

In fact, it is good advise for most things in life! If you are OK with the worst possible outcome of your action, then go ahead and do it. If not ... think twice.

- Suzie

[phili]

I have experience with this- going back to a men's group in the early 70s- where I wore a purple pleated skirt and it was taken in stride as a valid exploratory moment. Unless your group is for chest bumps and affirming each other's masculinity, and perhaps even if it is, why not broach the subject of masculinity, how deep is it! or some such opening for discussion. I think we crossdressers have trouble when we place too much on the symbolic value of our clothes- as if it magically transforms us. It does, of course, but for others it doesn't- they just see a man in a dress and wonder how connected we are to the world. So I find it works well just to do it, and carry on as if nothing is different. People are reassured by not asking them to try to understand me in a different way, and I get to wear the dress.

People you know may want to ask, so it is useful to know what you are going to say- like- "Looked liked fun, so I thought I'd take a chance and play dressup today and try it. And it is fun! OK- You do have to be more careful how you do some things, I'm finding!" and then change the subject back to the normal items.

The first time will tell you a lot about your friends, and is usually survivable, unless they really are not friends. What everybody is trying to figure out is whether you are going to continue- and what that means. If you are going to be the goofy friend who just wears dresses sometimes, or the artistic guy with a flair for challenging norms, or if you are transgender and trying to sort it all out and need their support- you should know where you are going with it!

[lingerieLiz]

When I moved to be on the water, I hadn't been here long before two neighbors pulled up and invited me to go fishing. I said I needed to go change. I was wearing a bra under a woman's top. They said no need your fine as you are. I ended up going and had a blast. Since I was wearing a white bra under a brown V neck top they probably saw what I had on when I bent over to get a beer or assist with a fish. Bending over to pull in fish probably gave an obvious bra line view. They never said a word about it and saw me wearing fem clothes on a regular basis.

I had a similar experience many years before when a neighbor walked in on me wearing a dress. He never mentioned it.

[suzanne]

I feel sorta the same as you. Not ready to advertise myself, but unwilling to hide anymore either, so what the neighbors happen to see, they see. And some have seen. We see each other, we say hello and have a brief conversation about the weather and that's it. They see me from necklace to heels and don't even pause the conversation for a second glance. It looks to me like my clothing choices have become Not A Big Deal to them. What they say to each other in private is their business. The woman who lives next door is a secondary school vice principal, so I know she has to support diversity as part of her job. But I don't think she ever expected to see the big guy next door in a short dress and 4" heels! LOL