It's More Common Than You Think

[Asew]

So my wife had over two friends and their kids over today. One friend knew about my dressing. At one point the other friend brought up how one of her friends is dating a crossdresser that is headed for transitioning. And she shows us pictures. My wife, her friend that knows, and I are giving each other looks. My eldest son even says "he wears skirts too" but she didn't realize he was talking about me. After a few minutes, I bring up a picture of myself dressed on my phone and ask my wife if I should show her and she said yes. As I show her my wife says "it's more common than you think". The friend was cool with it and asked a few questions.

I have pretty much told most of my wife's friends and family but none of my friends and family. But with US mother's day coming up I feel like I should tell my mother before we see her for mother's day since I would rather her hear it from me than from one of the kids. But I feel as nervous to tell her as I was to tell my wife. Since I am not sure if she will understand and nervous about answering potential questions about dressing when I was a younger. Any advice on telling a mother?

[Jaylyn]

Mothers seem to be more understanding after one is not living with them. When I was grown and on my own mom got way more enjoyment in me just visiting with her. We were close when I was a kid but after I was married she was just happy when I came to visit her. I never told her about my dressing but we did discuss lots of other things that pops up in ones life like finding a girl I wanted to marry. Hope your mom is understanding also.

[phili]

Go see her or call her and let the conversation evolve- just tell her the truth - that's what most parents want to know. My mom was a bit taken aback, but then she started to think of why it all made sense, and ended up being a supporter- and then worrying more about her own image- but it didn't get turned into a reason why I shouldn't. As a parent you can pretty well imagine what she will feel and do. Some parents stay as negative controller types but most don't. They want to know and be trusted by the adult their kid has become.

[alwayshave]

Asew, sounds like a positive experience. I am wondering what the women's comments were about her friend's find prior to you revealing?

[IleneD]

If I may borrow one from the original master of American wit and philosophy on such matters, Benjamin Franklin.
"Three men can keep a secret if two of them are dead."

Unless it was your intention, The World knows, will know or has the potential to know...... not that it matters. But once it's out of your hands and out of your house you are no longer the mistress of your own destiny on this matter.
Good luck and, hey!..... I don't blame you. There is always a great liberating and gratifying feel to 'come out' to someone.

[sometimes_miss]

Just because you came across someone who knows more than one crossdresser, is no reason to make the assumption that means everyone does. Get out of the pink fog, and take a real hard look at what the world is like. Sure, it would be wonderful if everyone supported all of us. But that's not how the world works. Myself, when I told my mom, she was very disturbed by it. She was 72 at the time. Refused to acknowledge it, and the one time I brought it up, she looked at me with disgust, and said, " Are you still doing that?". Then left the room. My sister wasn't any better. Neither wanted to talk to me after that, and avoided contact.

So consider the worst possible outcome from telling someone about you're being a crossdresser. If you can accept that, then go ahead and tell all. If, however, you cannot, then reevaluate whether you really want to come out. Because there's no going back. Despite the cool stories you read here about being wonderfully accepted, that isn't necessarily how it's going to go.

Still, I wish you luck. Even though the odds aren't with you, I'm one of those who had terrible results, so at least one of those who were in the 'bad results' group is already taken. Doesn't really increase your odds much, but you take what you can get in this world.

You might try the 'I used to be a crossdresser' maneuver and see how that turns out. If bad, you can always tell them that you don't do it anymore, but that some other people know that you once did, and you didn't want them to hear it from anyone but you, as you were at a party 'once' on Halloween dressed up as a woman, and might have accidently been in some pictures that way. It at leaves you some dignity left....maybe.

[Asew]

Jaylyn,
I definitely see my mom as more understanding once I left the nest. When my marriage was in the dumps she was there for me, giving some advice but wasn't mad when I didn't take it and accepted the decision I made.

phil,
Yeah, I think my mom might connect some dots from my younger years. I always was paranoid that she knew and she just ignored it.

alwaysshave,
The friend was positive and understanding about the crossdresser. So I felt at ease in letting her know.

Ilene,
I knew the moment I let my kids know that the cat is out of the bag. Even telling my wife I knew she could potentially tell everyone.

sometimes_miss,
I could not lie to her about this, that would be way worse [-]if[/-] when she ever finds out the truth. I know everytime someone knows, it could be horrible. For my wife's friends and family I don't lose much if they find out. I think it easier to let them know than my friends and family who if I lose it would mean more. Of all my friends and family my mom I think would be the least accepting. We aren't terribly close and I don't think she would cut me out of her life, but I think I could handle that (I think it would suck most for my kids, but I really really doubt she would go to that extreme).

[Beverley Sims]

I feel she already knows considering everyone else does.

[Tracy Irving]

Is it your desire to dress in women's clothing when you visit your mother? Or is it enough just to have her know about this part of your life? Because, as others have said, word spreads fast. Keep your heart open and be honest.

I wish you good luck telling your mother. Even if she does not approve of your crossdressing, I hope she tolerates it. After all, it's just clothing to hide your nakedness.

[Asew]

Beverly,
I don't think she knows (unless she knows from when I grew up). It has only been a few weeks and only people at the house, she lives an hour and a half away and doesn't talk with my wife's friends and family outside of being around us.

Tracy,
When I work from home I typically wear a skirt and a t-shirt. Eventually I would like to wear this publicly but I feel as though I should wait till the kids are older to avoid any bullying. I don't know if I would wear it around her (usually when she visits us its a birthday party and when we visit her involves lots of driving), but just so she knows and isn't surprised if a kid mentions something about it. Though I do have my toenails painted and I remember wearing socks last time my toenails were painted and she was over and I wouldn't hide that anymore.

[JeanTG]

Mothers seem to be more understanding after one is not living with them.

Not always. I know a couple of coming outs, one MtF trans, one gay, where the mother had trouble dealing with it but the father was very supportive.

[Stacy Darling]

It's more common than WHO thinks?

I really don't want you to go wandering through the day with the belief that "Everyone's doing it" because the reality of it is that "They Aint!"
It's not cool, it's not trendy nor fashionable, and when it comes to our family and friends it's not acceptable to most? Sorry!

I do however understand the wish to talk with your Mother and that is something which you will have to decide and live with. I myself have chosen not to have the talk with my Mother but to do the DADT as I don't want to upset her, and her not me. Not because I've already lost contact with the rest of my family due to them not thinking that It's Common to Dress!

Just take care and think about it thoroughly before you do or don't.
Stacy!

[Teresa]

Asew,
If it's any help maybe take a look at my theads in Loved Ones section about telling mothers. I had to eventually before she heard it from somebody else . She was OK initially but then rang me to tell me she felt guilty , I told her no one should feel guilty as it's no one's fault, these things happen. She's now OK about it .

[Asew]

Jean,
My mom would be way more supportive than my father, but I don't care about my father finding out since he is essentially cut out of my life (though he knows what goes on through facebook).

Stacy,
The "It's more common than you think" is what my wife said and to me it amost sounds like she views it with some normalcy. But it definitely isn't normal, fashionable, etc. I can see how with a DADT it is easier to not tell, but with so many other people knowing she will eventually find out.

Teresa,
I saw your thread before and never read the conclusion part. Great to hear how it turned out. I could see how my mom could feel guilty, so if it sounds like she might perhaps I can reassure her it no one's fault.

[kimdl93]

Honestly, I see no reason for you to withhold this information from your mom. No doubt she remembers your youthful explorations, and no doubt she has always had some notions. She's also been supportive and probably very appreciative for the way you've managed to get through life, sustain a marriage, and produce grand kids (always a big plus :) So, you might relate the conversation you've just had, and let it go from there.

Good luck, but I don't think you will need any!

[Asew]

UPDATE:
So I told my mom that before hearing about it from one of the boys that I wear skirts. She then went off on how I am not Scottish but am part Irish so I could just say I am wearing a kilt. And how one of my brother's high school friends wears kilts all the time. Then how she finds pants more comfortable than pants and reiterate I find skirts more comfortable. She then changed the subject to how kids let everyone know anyone's secret. So for now I let it be.

Seems like she is relating it to kilts and just doesn't understand that I like skirt skirts (or perhaps is refusing to believe it). But I think I will leave it for now and let her process this tid bit for now. At least nothing super negative happened.