How did you come to terms with yourselves?

[Pixie_94]

I would like to know how have you stopped feeling guilty, ashamed for crossdressing. Even if it's something minor like let's say, what some call "underdressing" or just the shoes.

I have been in the way to it, but I'd like to know your stories too, so I might learn something, even tips from you.
Just in case, if anyone needs more of my context, I'm in my 20's, college student, no job yet, straight and my SO accepts me as I am.

Thank you very much and have a nice day/night.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

By way of contrast, I have never felt any guilt or shame for my love of wearing female clothing, and I started in mid-teens.

That doesn't mean I am 'out' by any means - though plenty of people know I dress - but being wary of frightening the horses is not necessarily a product of guilt/shame, more a healthy sense of caution - plus respect for my conservative wife's feelings.

It no doubt helped that I was not raised in a religious environment.

[Becky Blue]

Like Nikki, I have never felt the slighest guilt about anything to do with Becky. Starting to CD from a very early age until 40 it was just a turn on, I felt no shame, as everyone has somethings that turn them on that was one of mine, no big deal... When Becky emerged at 40 and the turn on left, I realised I was to some extent Trans and I embraced my F side. I see Becky as a gift, she (being me) has greatly enhanced my life on so many levels. I have had some amazing experiences, met some fantastic people and I have become a much better person for having her... I also get to enjoy this amazing forum :)

[Lux]

I absolutely felt a lot of shame. Raised Catholic, the guilt was overwhelming. After my first marriage ended (she really couldn’t accept it and I knew I could not/did not want to stop) I found myself in a lot of therapy. A good therapist and a lot of introspection led me to the conclusion that I am a good person and that cross dressing brings out so many good qualities that my masculine side wouldn’t allow. That sensitivity is who I am and that people actually appreciate about me. I wear it proudly like a badge now. Once I fully accepted myself I have never looked back. Then that confidence in who I was helped my current wife take the time to read up on cross dressing and eventually accept me, cross dressing and all.

[biancabellelover]

I’ve done plenty of things in my life that I’m ashamed of, but cross dressing isn’t one of them. Like others have written, I’m also NOT out, and no-one knows except for my wife, but that’s for reasons other than shame or guilt.

I’m a lapsed Catholic, and haven’t had religious thoughts since I was seven.

Michelle.

[DaisyLawrence]

Hi Deadpixel. Should I call you Dead or Pixel (only joking) :).

I would like to know why you assume we have felt guilty and ashamed for cross-dressing?

What's to feel guilty/ashamed about, they are only clothes. When you go to a clothes store for men, you buy clothes that you want to wear, that say who you are, you don't by clothes you hate that would make you look like something you don't won't the world to think you are (a nerdy bank manager suit perhaps, unless you like that look). I do exactly the same. The clothes you wear are part of your presentation and your presentation is the visual portrayal of who you are. I just don't restrict myself to buying clothes from the mens department because they can not reflect the real me.

So, sorry, can't answer your question as I have nothing to feel guilty about, I am not ashamed and nor should I be.

So to you. If you, like me, dress differently as that is what your inner gender requires then enough with the guilt already. Stop letting societal norms dictate how you think. Move on.

Alternatively, if you just have a kink or fetish and you do it for essentially sexual reasons, again, what do you have to feel guilty about? It's legal, it's natural, it's harms no-one. If someone has sex and enjoys it should they feel guilty? As long as it's legal and no-one gets hurt then I say people should just enjoy what they like. Shame and guilt have no place here.

Daisy :)

[Rachelakld]

Come to terms - I got older - it's that easy.
Started CDing when I was 3 or 4
Not sure if I ever felt guilty, maybe a bit embarrassed on occasions

Yesterday my daughter got a CD or Trans as her Uber driver, it didn't faze her but sounded like an interesting ride. Glad there's more of us girls just enjoying the lifestyle.

[Beverley Sims]

Never ashamed, sometimes felt guilty, and my girlfriends when I was eighteen came to terms for me.

They said, wear a dress and come dancing with us or stay home and watch television.

It was a bit of "get a life" and I did. :-)

[Maria 60]

When I was younger everytime I would finish dressing it would end with materbation and then the guilt would kick in as to why I have these strong urges. Once I got married I threw away all my stuff to what I believed would be goodbye to this chapter in my life. Instead two weeks married first chance I got I put on my wife's pantyhosed. Refusing to be a fugitive the rest of my life I then understood these feelings were real and there was no end.That same night when my wife came home from work I took the biggest risk of my life and told my wife, from the first day I put on my sisters pantyhose till that same morning that I put on hers. I told her how unfair I was by not telling her before and I would understand if she wanted to leave. I was surprised she said lets see where I was going with this and a few weeks went by and I dressed in front of her and didn't push anything. The day were all the guilt left and I totally understood it was when I finished my dressing and the guilt would kick in and I would apologize to her to have her go through this. She asked me why I was feeling so guilty, I was not doing anything wrong, I wasn't hurting anyone and that it seemed to her that I have a strong femine side and don't want to be a women and I just enjoy the feelings of women cloths and to stop apologizing and feeling guilty and just enjoy it. That was the day the guilt left and I did as she said, I tried to enjoy every opportunity I got and I guess sometimes you just need a person to view it from the outside. That was thirty plus years ago and it wasn't alway easy but she stills supports it. Sorry it was alittle long but I wanted to explain it properly.

[MarinaTwelve200]

When I was much younger I read up on Masturbation and found out it was harmless, absolutely normal --99% of males doing it and only Catholic religion have any problem with it. (which was groundless anyway) I also learned in my research that CD was not related to homosexuality, So any concerns I may have had melted away. Looking up stuff from books, and not listening to my equally ignorant and misinformed friends and peers, went a long way for me in helping me avoid common problems and concerns in my youth-----

[alwayshave]

Hi, I realized that my dressing does not hurt anyone. If I wan't wear women clothes, what is the big deal. Also, as you get older you care less what other people think.

[lexic18]

Seems like I'm very similar to Maria, when I came out to my wife I finally felt like it wasn't a secret that I was hiding. I think I was more guilty about keeping a secret than anything. I didn't dress between moving in with my now wife (before we were engaged) and coming out 4 years later, and back in college I didn't have the same self-awareness that I do now, nor did I have anyone I really wanted to tell. Coming back to dressing now, it's also a lot less sexual and more just an expression of a feminine part of me.

[MichelleCD]

Guilt & shame? I felt and still feel both from time to time. If I didn't feel guilty or ashamed, I think I'd come out of this darn closet. I can't just tell myself, "Well, this is the way I am, so get over it." My brain doesn't work that way. I have a good idea at what people (especially my kids) would say, think and feel, if they found out. So hiding something from them makes me feel both. I don't like lying or keeping secrets.
That doesn't stop me from dressing. But it does stop me from doing it in front of them. Or even letting them know I do it.

To me, it's more of an addiction. And I'm like an addict. Shopping for womens clothes can be quite addictive.

[Sidney]

Everyone thinks differently. I now do not feel guilt or shame. Before I came out to my wife the guilt and shame was the secret I was keeping from the woman I love. We were having a few issues so we both went to a counselor that I still see weekly and she has helped me find myself and not just accept Sidney but to love her,

[Queen Bridget]

I didn't. I still feel guilt and shame when dressing (Otherwise I'd be out and about).

Where I live, it's still typically seen as a shameful and deviant thing to do. Other people would mock me if they knew.

[DaisyLawrence]

Well you can't live in the north east of England then Bridget. Are you sure that's not just your belief in what others think rather than the reality?

[deebra]

DeadPixel I like to answer a question "direct", exactly what the question is. The answer is to overcome in your head what others think of you crossdressing. For example if you wear a bra and panties every day, just part of your daily underwear, no different than a guy wearing boxers, another briefs, you panties and bra. Another example is if you wear say girl jeans or girl tennis shoes and no body says anything you get confident and your mind accepts there's nothing wrong with what you like to wear. Daisy and Maria make some really good points. My acceptance is it just won't go away and I like it. Some under and outer girl clothes I wear every day I am fine with it, no guilt. How I would like to go out is with all girl clothes on and showing an hour glass figure big boobs and all but I'm not there and maybe never will be. To be the only one in WalMart or the mall looking like that and everyone staring at me, I would feel uncomfortable. Another part of my answer is to accept you were born a crossdresser, be comfortable with wearing what you have become comfortable wearing and don't wear what you are uncomfortable with. Then you can enjoy and not feel any guilt or shame. Hope this helps.

[Heidi Stevens]

Hey DP, if those around you have accepted your crossdresssing, you are one big step ahead of where a lot of us were at one time. You should know that with having the “discovery by others” element out of the equation, you can begin to deal with getting your feelings in order.
If you can’t seem to rectify your thoughts with your actions, then seek outside help. You have sort of done that here. Sometimes though it takes a professional to help you sort out your conflicts. If the process you are using now to ease any conflicts in your mind continue too long and are interfering with your life in general, seek out a trained counselor in the field of sexual identity or gender studies. Be open and honest and they will provide you with answers that can ease any fears you still have. Good luck!

[JeanTG]

Heidi, I couldn't agree more. Last two weeks had many big firsts for me. One, I finally got the courage to go out, dressed. Two, I told one of my best friends. He assured me this changes nothing between us. I told another best friend and his wife. They not only accepted, they invited me to go out for lunch with them en femme! Another gay friend has started calling me by my femme name. Two priests know and accept and pray for me. My youngest child, herself MtF trans, knows and supports me and defends me to my wife, who herself has known for 30 years but is having trouble dealing with the flood of my feminine feelings of late (next step may be HRT).

I have come to realize that any sense of shame I felt at being transgendered were 1) Related to my own refusal to be honest with myself, trying to pass myself off as a simple crossdresser when in fact it's a much deeper identity issue, and 2) some of the awful things I did to try and mask my true self.

I crossed the Rubicon two weeks ago, when I sat in front of my therapist in a lace top, black blazer, skirt, shoes, wig and makeup, and asked her what she saw sitting in front of her. Her unequivocal answer was "a woman". Whether that leads to full transition or not, remains to be seen. I'm taking it one day, baby step and coming out story at a time. For now my therapist has asked me to live en femme 3 days per week to see how that goes.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Therapy. Lots of therapy. I kept hearing from my therapist that there was nothing wrong with crossdressing. Eventually, I came to believe it.

Plus, as I told other people. they were accepting, sometimes even embracing.

My minister knows, and he doesn't have a problem with it. He has seen some pics of Steffi.

Several of my doctors know, and some of them have either seen pics or seen me dressed. One of them was so excited about seeing me so happy dressed. She loved one dress in particular, and even wanted to borrow it until I told her what size it was. Several other doctors have only seen my toenail polish.

All of my yoga instructors and classmates have seen me in femme yoga leggings with tank tops or racerbacks, and wearing toenail polish. I've never had any negative comments from any of them, and a couple of the yoga instructors embraced my outfits. But, I've never admitted that I'm CD or TG.

All that being said, my wife is somewhere between tolerant and intolerant.

In fact, just this morning, she caught me in a bra and was very upset. It did make me feel bad, not really guilty or ashamed, but I'm always scared of possible consequences when things like this happen.

[Pat]

I had plenty of guilt and shame, so I understand where you're coming from. ;) I handled it the way I handle most things: I over-thought it. A lot. In the end I came to a simple idea -- I was not hurting myself or others, so there was no moral issue, and I was happier when I did it than when I didn't, so perhaps I should continue doing it and find out where that took me. As the Grateful Dead sang, what a long, strange trip it has been. But I'm happy.

[Seraphina]

hello DeadPixel, just sharing from my experience. The initial crossdressing started when I was 5 and years elapsed with nothing eventful happening other then the occassional sneaking to try my mom's clothes when I was like 11 or 12. By 17, there is an overwhelming influx of emotions that I needed to transition and live as a woman. At that time, the guilt and stress level was probably more then I could handle as I question myself why am I crossdressing? Am I a freak? Buried by the self-loathing and torn by the desire to be a woman as I feel it should be the rightful life I should be having, suicidal thoughts cloud my mind from time to time. I decided to seek help and chanced to exchanged email correspondence with a TG named Laura.
Laura once mentioned that the girl you see looking back at you is you yourself. I tried to rationalise about that and came to terms with myself based on the following a)I'm not harming anyone by crossdressing, it's not stealing or murder. b)since I prioritise taking care of my parents over transitioning, by the bare minimum I should continue to crossdress as it provides a form of "stress release" for me and to feel free as a woman
As I age, I came to appreciate this side of me as I believe I became a more accepting person in life.

Sorry for the long post, take care yo!
p.s: It's a plus your SO accepts, my SO is fairly tolerant and I'm not asking for more!

[Cheryl T]

I felt the shame and guilt from a very young age.
Finally, I decided that enough was enough. This is who I am and those that can't accept me for the person I am in ALL my facets don't belong in my life and I refused to keep living my life for others.
I realized that all the pressure I felt was self-inflicted. I accepted the guilt and shame that I thought others placed on people like me for all those years and that had to stop. There is nothing wrong with me, I'm not sick, I'm not crazy, I'm not anything but me. I love me!!
Once that was decided the rest fell into place and I was able to accept me for who I am and the heck with the rest.

[Jaylyn]

Pixel I started I guess at birth as most of my swaddling blankets were pink n white. Mom actually made me several flour sack dresses and a bonnet. Got some pictures of me wearing those clothes but they were in black n white so took my moms word on the colors. Dad finally put a stop to it. Gave me a hair cut and taught me to be a man. I stayed a boy till in my teens but mom let me play at her dresser I her makeup n her ladies hats etc. until I got to my teen years then I tried to stop but found myself still sneaking into moms things. This continued thru high school till I got married in college and then I even played with out her knowledge in her panty hose and skirts and dabbled in her make up. Never got caught but I felt guilty about not being a man that she thought she married. I quite mostly thru some of the kids raising. Only times were when I was by myself because wife and kids were visiting her mom. After all the kids left I got back into the dressing, finally came out to my wife who was all for the other girl in her life named Jaylyn. This has since worn thin and she isn't e cited about Jaylyn as she was. ( she very off and on about my dressing now she just doesn't want the kids or grandkids to have a clue). I will continue I guess till I'm to old to zip my dresses or I die.

[Stephanie47]

I cannot relate to the term 'guilt.' When I first donned one of my mother's slips and then nylon nightgowns I was very young. I had no thoughts of wanting to be a girl. I had no desire other than to experience the feel of nylon. I loved nylon. Nylon was unlike any boy clothes I wore. There was nothing sexual about it. Actually sex did not exist for me before puberty set in. Heck, Lucy and Desi slept in twin bed on their television show. When puberty set in I started to explore women's clothing further. From slips it my desires expanded to my mother's panties (ugh, granny for sure), girdles and hosiery, bra (snapped one of the straps on a black bra) and dresses. With raging hormones I was a mess. Back then it was always assumed men who wore women's clothing were homosexuals which was a bad thing. I experienced a lot of conflict. One the one hand I loved wearing women's clothing which always ended with masturbation, and, feeling ashamed because society would think I was a "queer, a fruit, a faggot." Those were the terms thrown about in the 1950's and 1960's. Gay was still a term for happiness and a loaf of bread.

Even as a young adult I had a lingering question as to my sexuality. Even when I stopped dressing for years I feared I maybe had a latent desire to wear women's clothing which meant there was a potential I was not totally straight. It wasn't until much later I realized wearing women's clothing was just a quirk. Something in my DNA.

So, today I am not ashamed I wear women's clothing. Right now I am dressed from the skin out with bra, panty, slip, garter girdle and stocking, heels, pretty midi summer dress and a curly grey wig. I feel totally at ease with my inner self. On the other hand my desires are confined to the home with some rare exceptions to take evening strolls. Why? Because too many people are still ignorant. To intentionally reveal myself will also have an effect upon the relationships I and my wife have with family, friends and neighbors. I dress for stress relief and to feel calm. That would be lost if I were to go public. If I were to do something which has a negative effect upon my wife, then some guilt will arise for what I have done to her relationships.

PS: I doubt there is no male who wears women's closing who has not had inner conflicts about their sexuality or sexual identity.

[Tracii G]

Never felt guilt or shame because it felt right to me so I guess you would call that gender dysphoria.
I worked thru all the hows and whys on this forum and came to the realization that it doesn't matter its just who I am.
Being 20 you are at that age where you worry about your masculinity and anyone disputing your masculinity is automatically your enemy I get that because I was 20 at one time too.
You are at that awkward age between childhood and adulthood so things are difficult some times.
I don't say that to be demeaning to you its just the way things are and its part of life that we all go thru it.
Don't worry about what others think so much and enjoy your life and your SO because you owe no one any explanations for what you do.

[LilSissyStevie]

I believe that shame was more a reason for my crossdressing than the result of it. My family was not particularly religious so it didn't derive from that. Rather, it was more from the ultra-macho poor white trash culture I grew up in. In that environment, any sign of weakness, effeminacy or receptive homosexuality made you fair game for abuse and contempt. Being (secretly) a sensitive type, I always suspected and was often told that I didn't quite measure up in the manliness department. I felt I had to constantly prove myself and hide how I really felt about things. I call this emasculation anxiety, the ever present feeling that I could be exposed for the sissy I suspected I might be. After all I often fantasized about being a girl since girls didn't have to live in this macho prison. They had their own problems but I was blind to that.

When I was going through puberty, I came across a little book of pornography. The story was about effeminate gay crossdressers having sex every which way you could imagine with macho males. I was completely horrified but I couldn't put it down. It was everything I was taught to fear and despise. It was also incredibly arousing. Afterwards I wanted to kill myself. Being aroused by that stuff meant that I was gay or trans. What could possibly be worse? Over the years these feeling would wax and wane but I could never make sense of them. How could I be gay if I wasn't attracted to men? How could I be trans if I didn't really want to be a woman? The answer for me was the realization that it was emasculation anxiety itself that was arousing for me. The arousal acts as sort of a relief valve. It's similar, I think, to the rape fantasies that some women have. They don't really want to be raped and brutalized but fantasizing about it is a way to relieve rape anxiety or a way of coping with a past trauma. In the same way, indulging in total emasculation helps me cope with the expectations and pressures (real or imagined) of masculinity and with childhood emasculation trauma. It also helps that I have shed my childhood ideas about gender and sexuality but the sexual imprinting that occurred at puberty remains. Generally there is not much you can do about that but to live with it and try not to assign any more importance to it than it deserves. Having a SO who is on board is also a wonderful thing.

[Di]

You are young and have an S.O. that knows and you are able to be yourself with. That’s huge as many keep it secret from their partner making things later down the line very hard. You should not be embarrassed or ashamed and hope you feel that way . You are not doing anything wrong and I think it’s a gift. ( btw I'm a GG)
Keep being open with your partner and take this journey together finding your way together. Best Wishes

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi DP :hugs:, I have been in this program for 71 years now,

and I don't remember having any guilt feelings. >Orchid...:daydreaming:...

[Pixie_94]

I would like to know why you assume we have felt guilty and ashamed for cross-dressing?


I remember reading about plenty people like that before I even found this forum, and I wanted to know if it was like a common factor in us.

- - - Updated - - -


Hey DP, if those around you have accepted your crossdresssing, you are one big step ahead of where a lot of us were at one time.

Ehm, Heidi, I actually hide it. Especially after being shamed and lectured when something about this was discovered.

- - - Updated - - -


I think it’s a gift. ( I’m a GG)

Can you explain this to me, please?

- - - Updated - - -



You are at that awkward age between childhood and adulthood so things are difficult some times.
I don't say that to be demeaning to you its just the way things are and its part of life that we all go thru it.

I have no doubt of it, there's even times when I would like to be the one in control of some situations to get a better outcome or simply preventing something awkard to happen.

[Cherylgyno]

DP. It comes with experience. I first dressed at the age of 6 year's old. Back then little to nothing was known about this. Through the military and then college I hid every clue. The only ones that knew were my mom and 2 gfs.
I met and married my wife. About 1 month after the wedding my wife caught me fully dressed. She was supportive immediately. I was shocked and gave her the I promise yada yada yada.
My wife helped me to be comfortable being me.
I developed breasts at 50 due to gynecomastia from meds. I now underdress 24/7/365. I have a 48 D and don't try to hide.
In this day and age people have their own concerns and don't worry about others.
Just try to be yourself.

[sometimes_miss]

Well, I grew up in the 60's; way back when there was no support system in place for anyone TG. Boys were raised to believe that we were NEVER to do anything feminine, NEVER EVER wear woman's clothing. Being feminine in any way was the worst possible thing you could be when you're a boy. And at the age of seven, I was molested, and was told that god had made a mistake, and that I was really supposed to be a girl. Imagine the horror I felt. He would dress me in his sister's clothes, and tell me to learn how to be a good little girl, and that god would fix me. I had this secret that I could never tell anyone, ever. For years, I patiently waited for god to fix me, I thought that when I got a little older that my body would gradually change to female, as I saw my older sister develop breasts and a feminine figure as she got older so I thought that would happen to me, and my penis would just disappear. So whenever I could, in private, I would dress and pretend to be a girl. Of course, that never happened, god never answered me, and to make it worse, I couldn't understand why I liked girls and felt like I was supposed to be one, at the same time. I wondered just exactly what I had done for god to do this terrible thing to me. I prayed and prayed, but to no avail.
All through my school years, I felt very ashamed about what I was, but I could never tell anyone. My self esteem? Zero. In the meantime, other boys were developing body hair and bigger penises, girls were getting curvy and sexy, but me? I didn't reach puberty until I was almost 17. I started losing my religion during those years. By the time I was out of high school, I was an atheist. Now the real work started.
I had started reading psychology books at 14; but there wasn't much to read about crossdressing, TG wasn't even a term. Everyone just assumed that a boy who wore girls clothes was gay. And I couldn't understand why I wasn't.
It took years of reading to understand that it wasn't my fault. I had done nothing to deserve this.
As I got older, I realized that I wasn't hurting anyone, that it was the fault of society for making males feel ashamed to exhibit feminine qualities. It also made me wonder, why women disliked men who were feminine; didn't they feel any value in femininity? Were they all ashamed of themselves? It made no sense. Then I learned all about social roles, and how I had been conditioned to feel that I was always supposed to be dressed like a girl back when I was growing up, and that the feeling would probably never go away, perhaps because of what happened to me during those developmental years.
It wasn't my fault. I had nothing to feel guilty about, and nothing to be ashamed about. I did nothing wrong.
Sure, occasionally I will still feel bad about it, after all, we had it drilled into our minds throughout our childhood that it (crossdressing) being such a terrible thing. But the feeling passes rather quickly now, 50 years after it all happened to me.

It's not our fault. We didn't grow up wishing to be crossdressers. Whether it's something innate, or due to something that happened to us, or both, it's not something that we can change, either. It hurts no one, and no one has the right to complain if we wish to dress like the girls do; after all, women fought forever to demand that they be treated equally, so it only stands to reason that feminine is just as good as masculine.

No shame, no guilt, no more.
And that's how I have minimized the amount of shame or guilt that I have.

[Cassandra Lynn]

To answer your question (I think) of Di's post, GG is for genetic girl; also known as female at birth.

In answer to your opening post, and as a few others have noted, I never really struggled with the shame aspect and any guilt I faced was mostly during a my second marriage, and that story is not relevant.

I suppose one thing that really saved me from any shame/guilt cycles relevant to my gender, was that I was raised in a family of males that were pacifists.
We were comfortable in our masculinity with out any of the macho BS. So I never really felt like I was a failure in that regard.

But, I can admit to a strong ebb and flow of angst and confusion; as has been said many times on the various boards and forums, I really really wish the internet would have came along about 20 yrs earlier.
Once I came online in late 09' and '10 and found this place and did a lot of research all around the net, I finally found total acceptance.

For the past 3 yrs or so, I've felt the kind of serenity and comfort in my own skin, that I have never known....it truly is a gift!

Cass

[Rayleen]

Never felt any guilt, in my belief about CD, I feel good about myself and love myself.

Whatever make me happy is normal for me. My partner accept my actions, and we have a great relationship.

Rayleen

[Asew]

I started dressing as a teenager in the 90s. If I knew I was home alone for at least an hour, I would almost always dress and at the end masturbate. Maybe about once a week when my mom went out on a date it meant several hours dressed doing things like cooking, cleaning and watching tv. I was ashamed of this. I thought no woman could ever love a man who did this. I was never going to tell anyone about this ever. So when I went to college I got rid of my small collection (since didn't want my mom finding it at the house or my roommate to find it in my dorm room).

During college, I would get the urge a few times and buy a few things and quickly throw it away. When finishing college I met someone and we moved in together (she is now my wife). The urge wasn't very strong so maybe once a year I would wear something of hers. I thought my wife wearing skirts and dresses was enough and I didn't need to wear them. I fought the desire. But about 10 years in we hit a rough patch, and between being alone many nights and being depressed, my dressing urge came back full force. I realized this was something that was never going to go away. I was craving every moment alone so I could dress. It was always in my thoughts. At this point I finally accepted this was a part of me.

Soon after I told my wife (even if it meant divorce) since I knew I could not deny it anymore. Luckily she accepted with open arms and torrid credit card :) We went shopping the next day. I may still be nervous about telling people or going out in public, but at least I know this is a part of me that is never going to go away.

[Susan Smith]

Don't feel any shame or guilt, never have done. I'm not out (DADT at home) , but that's out of respect for the views of others (or my expectations about their views) rather than shame or guilt. It doesn't hurt anyone and they're not 'women's' clothes, they're mine. Either bought and paid for or gifted to me.

[Tracy Irving]

I have never felt guilty or ashamed of my clothing choices. So, there has been no need to come to terms.

There was a time in the 80's when my black ties didn't get narrow fast enough. But I digress...

[Alice B]

From the very moment I decided I wanted to rty dressing I have never felt any guilt. Still don't

[Victoria_Winters]

I diffentilly felt guilt for many years. As I got older I came to the realization that... well I don’t give a crap about people’s opinions about me anymore. I am who I am and don’t care what people think. I’m not out not brigade of I’m embarsissed but because of the possibility of loosing my retirement.

[sara66]

It's amazing that age and experience changes your perspective.
Sara

[Terri_Cross]

Being raised in a very masculine environment with manly man guidelines I'm not sure that I ever will will get over some of the guilt. And there are different types and varying levels of guilt. I have not gotten over the guilt of being a man, that wears women's clothing. I have not gotten over the guilt of being called a "Man's Man" by a lady salesperson while wearing pink (I think) panties under my jeans. I have though, gotten over the "It's only for masturbation, fantasy, or, it's just a phase I'm in" part of the guilt and denial. I have not gotten over the guilt of buying another bra, panty, or dress when I really don't need one. Or two. But the previous guilt is the same guilt I feel when I buy another pistol or rifle to add to the rotation. Or when I'm talking to a friend and say something a bit more direct than intended and can hear a bit of hurt in their voice for a while afterwards. So, in one sense, the level of guilt is by perspective.

Over the years, with a lot of introspection and not a few kegs' worth of whiskey and beer, and a few temper tantrums arguing with myself over wanting to, and in many ways, needing to, wear feminine attire. I've come to realize that I can relax in a bra and panty just as easily,if not more so, than I can with an adult beverage. As well as feel like a "Complete Me". To quote Popeye, "I yam whats I yam and I can'ts do no more.

Now, none of this is to mean that I'm going to start walking down the boardwalk in just a bra and panty. Nor does it mean that I'm going to leave the house wearing makeup and a full and feminine outfit. Nor does it mean I'm going to be telling everybody in my life that I crossdress. It does mean however, that over time, talking to various people, reading this and that, spending time on forums like this and learning, always learning, I've slowly come to accept the fact that I really like who, and what I am. All of me. Pink lace bra, panty and all.

[suzanne]

To begin with, when I first discovered my fascination with my mom's clothes, I was 16 and it was 1976. I lived in a small town where everyone's lives and minds were small. There was only one word for a boy who didn't project the kind of "manliness" we now call toxic. The three letter F word. And the result of being suspected of being like that were pretty harsh and frankly, terrifying.

In a way, I was lucky. On one hand, I was definitely afraid of the consequences of being found out. But I also guessed correctly that I would be among the last people anyone would suspect of dressing as a woman. I was big, I was a top student in math and science (ok for a boy) and a top athlete. The only way I had a problem was if my one year younger brother found out. Because he would have told or blackmailed me until one of us was dead. Fortunately, that never happened.

I struggled mightily with my "problem". I was convinced that everybody, even my own wife or mother, would reject me if they ever found out about me. But around age 35, I had to tell my wife. She hated anything to do with the subject and refused to talk about it with me. Then one night, I told her I had to wear a nightgown to bed. She hated anything to do with it and refused to talk about it with me. I bought a dress and wore it in front of her. She hated it but refused to talk about it. I mistook her silence for some sort of acceptance because she never threatened to ruin our marriage over it. I later learned, through couples counselling, that she would rather have seen me dead than in a dress.

I found much support through this forum. I learned I was not alone and not damaged. From the generous help of these fine members, I slowly developed the courage to go out and shop for myself. In the department stores the female SAs gave me clothing tips and allowed me the use of the fitting rooms. Gaining more confidence, I struck gold when I found a certain stand alone dress shop. Store manager R, and sales ladies G, L and K, were as accepting as my own older sisters would have been, if I had sisters. They provided a wealth of knowledge on what looks good on me and why, and I am now very good at putting together an outfit that's tasteful, age appropriate and presentable for a man in a dress. In addition they further boosted my confidence to where it is now. Retail therapy is a real thing! The only problem I had was that there was a time when the only places I would go while dressed was back to the stores, and I'd end up buying more.

That's why I always encourage people in this forum to go dress shopping, and it doesn't matter whether youre dressed or drab. The overwhelming majority of sales staff are friendly, professional and accepting towards crossdressers and you'll soon be able to take yourself other places where you'll find whatever fears you have are overstated. There are no angry mobs waiting for you with torches and pitchforks. Heads might turn, but that's about it.

[NicoleScott]

Fortunate are those who never felt guilt and shame, but many of us did.
Indirectly, such as observing the belittling and name-calling of anyone expressing sex or gender variance: gay, crossdresser, transsexual, or even effeminate speech or mannerisms. And so we learned to avoid ridicule by putting on an all-boy image.
Directly, like when as a boy I was caught playing with lipstick. My dad held me down while smearing it all over my mouth and verbally humiliating me. Lesson learned: don't get caught again, and I didn't.
I read all I could about crossdressing and fetishes, trying to figure out why I am like I am. It took time, but with information and testimonies from many others, I learned that I had no reason to feel guilt and shame. But I didn't lose my good sense to keep my activities private. After all, crossdressing (for me) is about me and my CDing stuff, with nothing to gain and something to lose by coming out.

[Laura28]

Age. I just said one day screw it I am who I am.

[Amelie]

My last post probably had too much info. I just wanted to say my path was created by abuse to me. And while I have no guilt of who I am, I do feel shame for what happened to me. I always think back to my youth and think that it was my fault. It is difficult for me to write about this subject without it seeming graphic. It's just we all have differing paths to get to where we go. My path wasn't always nice, I have no guilt about being who I am today, but I have sadness from part of my path I took.

[Shayna]

For me it was when my wife found out. I think I just realized it was a part of me.

[Charlotte7]

Me, dressing this way has always been there, since I was old enough to know that there were boys and girls. I put my first dress on when I was three or four and I haven't stopped since. It's as much an integral part of me as my nose, I can't change it, well, I possibly could, but I'm not going to, and as a result I don't have shame or guilt about it.

[Teri Ray]

From the beginning my desire to try female attire did make me feel uneasy. Had the desire but struggled to understand why. So at first I did feel some guilt and shame. After years of trying to push off these feelings I finally decided that I was not going to change how I felt. Took me a while but once I accepted my crossdressing life became less confusing. Well........ less confusing for crossdressing......every thing else in life remains a conundrum.

[TheHiddenMe]

I was six or seven when I first had the urge to try on a dress. It was in the basement of my aunt and uncle's apartment in Chicago. Unfortunately, it didn't fit.

After that, I was always jealous of the boys who got to dress as girls at Halloween (still am..).

Around the age of 14, I decided to try on my sister's (who is two years older) pantyhose. All of the sudden I had an immediate intimate reaction (trying to be delicate here).

During my high school debate days, my teammates and I went to college libraries (pre-internet days) to research the annual debate topic. On more than one occasion, I would look up resources on transvestism and cross-dressing. I realized I wasn't the first with these desires nor the only one. For me, it was my normal.

These days, with the advent of the internet, it's pretty clear to me there is a wide range of "normal" for a lot of people (and my theory is every man has his own kink). So I have never felt guilt, because it's just always been a part of me. It's only in the last few years I have been confident enough (actually, it' s more of a WTF reaction) to furfill my long held wishes.

[Charli]

Personally, I have not stopped feeling guilt or shame.
It does not stop me, and as I got older, you deal with it better and keep it
in perspective, but it has not gone away.
If it ever went away, I would be out and about, even though I have no chance of passing.

[gender_blender]

I would like to know how have you stopped feeling guilty, ashamed for crossdressing. Even if it's something minor like let's say, what some call "underdressing" or just the shoes.

Acceptance of yourself is mandatory for living happily.

[missynicole]

i still have not come fully to terms with my dressing and quite oftern question my sexuality.........it is draining at times.....i think it would be helpful if both you and i found a close friend who is like us with whom we could talk things out........unfortunately that proves difficult......:sad:

[Leighcdmd]

When I got into my fifties, I realized that I had fewer days left on the calendar than I had pulled off the calendar. Everone is entitled to seek happiness in life and dressing makes me happy. Now into my sixties and never been happier. Dont give a damn what anyone thinks, dress when I want, buy what I want, where I want. Smooth from eyebrows down for years. Life is way too short. Make the most of it and accept who you are.

[DaisyLawrence]

Yeah, what Leighcdmd said! Spot on. I'm already 14 years older than my mother was when she died at 40 (I was 10) so I've always been aware of the fragility of life. My wife works in emergency care and has seen more than her fair share of lives cut tragically short. There's no room for ditherers in our house! Get on and do what makes you happy while you still can. Please!

[MichelleCD]

If you're passed middle age and married, coming out would be (IMO) an extremely difficult decision. For the simple fact that being alone, and being able to dress up when one wants to, wouldn't outweigh being able to be married, hold her every night. Make love to her (even now & then). Or just have someone to talk to. Someone that you've known for years. and can count on to be there in ones later years.

Giving up dressing vs staying married, tough call. But I'd give up the clothes. Or at least get real sneaky about it.

[Queen Bridget]

It's different for everyone. I'd, personally, never give up freedom for being married to someone who didn't respect it.

A lot of posts I see on this forum are borderline Stockholm Syndrome.

If you're married to someone who doesn't let you dress, then they don't love you. Love is acceptace, no matter what.

[dana digs sweaters]

Stopped?
It never started!
Not even after being caught.
None what so ever, even when looking a sales girl/lady in the eyes as I made an obvious purchase of female clothing for myself.
Simple innocent childhood fun that "grew" into all the purchases needed to create the complete female image of myself in the mirror.
No guilt even when going out in public presenting as a woman the first time when it was not Halloween.

[Sherri_Christopher]

Self-acceptance of my femme self came with age. I've been dressing for 58 years and although there were periods of my life when I stopped, I always got back into doing it and it's a part of me and I have finally gotten to the point in life where I don't feel shame for being who I am!

[phili]

I cant add anything without repeating someone's good comments, so I just want to express my appreciation to everyone for coming out to share- this is such a voluminous outpouring of positive self regard, and intimate, supportive embrace for all of us.

[~Renee~]

Lots of good points here

It was the recognition that ultimately I had no idea why I felt the way I did and after 30 years of trying to repress the "guilty" desire, the only one I was hurting was me. I made a choice, am I going to continue expending "guilty" mental energy or accept that something in me compels me? I opted to come clean as I was at a breaking point and the surprising result was my suppression wasn't only hurting me but others around me. By believing I was doing good in suppressing a "weak" or "aberrant" behavior out of the proper and just guilt, the result was my ability to handle everyday trials was greatly diminished. I was in a continually battle with myself to not engage in any activity or thoughts associated with CD. Once I said I give up, the battle in my head ceased and the level of angst dropped as did my general level of anger. I just accepted I'm different and something in me compels me. I chose to not be guilt ridden anymore and made peace with myself. The result, everyone around me perceives me less mercurial now. Peace and temperance followed in me because I believed I'm this way for a reason. Only my wife knows the real reason.

[Gardener]

Ashamed and guilty are different things for me. Knowing that my SO is uncomfortable with me dressing, even just underdressing, does make me feel a bit guilty for upsetting her. Had she known before we were married she would not have married me. The guilt now is that my lack of honesty causes her bad feelings. Ashamed is more about how I feel about myself. I do not understand why this is part of me but I know it has been so for a long time. Once the secretiveness stopped and I opened up about it my shame ebbed away.

[FrannGurl]

Id say when I was much younger I had shame, but after over 30 plus years, I accept myself for the fact that I'm " A little different" That my gender and sexuality doesn't fit the "norm". I'm only partially "out' to most of my family and friends, but I'm afraid that most wouldn't understand me, and have lost a few friends by coming out to them

[Kandi Robbins]

For me is was very easy.......it only took about 50 years! Seriously, it certainly was not easy and did take a very long time. I just reached that age, that stage in my life where you no longer care what others think of you. You realize that you are on the back-end of your life and it's simply time to be happy. Once that got through my thick skull, everything flourished from there. I believe it's more about getting comfortable with yourself than with crossdressing. That internal security allows you to deal best with everything else. Plus I also realized this is not "curable", it's not going anywhere.

[Leighcdmd]

Well said Kandi. You captured my feelings - and I suspect the feelings of many other “mature” girls- precisely. Loooking forward....not looking back.

[Kendalli]

For me it is still a struggle. Some days I am absolutely struggling with it. Others I am embracing it. As I push to have more of the good days I have found it is something as simple as just accepting myself and knowing that it is something that makes me whole. It is hard to describe how I do this. But it is just taking the weight of society off my shoulders and doing my own thing. I find that the more I wear fem clothes, the better it is too. Even if it is mostly underdressing.

[Bobbi46]

There should never be any reason to feel guilty, or ashamed about dressing this is something that should be enjoyed and something that one should feel comfortable and at ease with.
There is no shame whatsoever in our needs for dressing or transition or any other degree of femininity it is our life, live, it enjoy it and the main thing be PROUD of it/ yourself and also ourselves.
After all this a life an existence a way that should not carry guilt or shame.

[jacques]

hello,
I have almost come to terms with my dressing by just enjoying it rather than trying to analyse and understand it.
luv J

[Maria in heels]

I have felt embarrassment for dressing, but never guilty or ashamed. I am one who started at a young age, just with wearing heels around the house, and progressed as the years went on. Ventured out late at night in my "clothes" and had a favorite dress that I would wear almost nightly as I went out for my walks when I was young. Unlike you, I didn't have a SO who knew and accepted me at the time, in fact, I lived out of my closet and no one except for family knew, but not by my choice. Over and over, I would get caught dressing, borrowing a pair of my step-mothers shoes when I was young, and of course I would get caught because I didn't put them back. Until I was old enough to get my own things, I tried to be very carefully but everyone in my immediate family knew

[Angela Marie]

At almost 64 I grew up in a much more conservative, restrictive time when it came to dressing. I finally realized that it was an integral part of me. It did not make me less of a man or more of a woman. It was simply another side to me.

[Stephanie Julianna]

Nothing I can tell you relates to how things can be for you. I grew up in the '50's and 60's when I felt like I was a sick puppy for wanting to dress like my sisters. I snuck around for decades. I sadly loathed myself for years wondering why God had made me this way. But by the '80's, the 'me' decade, I finally threw off all the angst and said, "This is me, accept it and embrace it." I am a good person, husband, father, and grandfather and nurse. And I now know that I could not be good at any of that if it was not for having Stephanie in my life. She is in my heart and soul and makes me a better person. My only wish is that society could have been nicer. You are growing up in a different and better time when males who embrace their feminine side are not thought of as weird and in the right surroundings even admired as we have seen in the modeling and entertainment industry. I hope your SO will always feel lucky she found you. I think as a group we are probably the most well rounded group on the planet. You don't see any of us shooting up the place because we are angry with the world. I look forward to following your story here and we are all here for you.

[phili]

So many posts point to the peace of self-acceptance that becomes inevitable with age. I was a 50s child so I am steeped in the basic framing of being 'unacceptable'. Maybe young people are experiencing more freedom and no need for self-acceptance- I hope so!

Self-acceptance doesn't require understanding what drives us to crossdress. It does require centering our sense of self within ourselves, rather than on others' opinions, and giving up on 100% acceptance by others.

We are struggling to find a truer expression of who we are, but not everyone is going to warmly like us. Perhaps it boils down to deciding if there will be enough support on the other side of coming out, and that is not easy to determine. But going out builds that confidence, and I think most of us probably know whether in our situations whether going out is a safe gamble.

Our struggle is not with ourselves, since we know our desire to crossdress is innocent. It is a struggle to find acceptance for our innocence, rather than the guilt that others are trained to frame us with. We are like children, being told what is acceptable and what is not, and we are punished like children as well. Some children rebel; others don't.

Harry Browne said it really well in his book 'How I found freedom in an unfree word' - "You can have anything you want! You just have to pay the price."

I know I want the price to be lower! ;0)

[Rachel05]

I have been dressing for 50 years now, wow that sounds like nearly a lifetime and it is. When I was in my teens, I had awful guilt about it and couldn't understand "it" or myself, I tried the sexual excuse on myself, I only did it because it was a sexual release but that didn't work for me because that isn't what it was and as I got older I got used to the fact that it was how I was, this was very much part of me and acceptance sneaked up on me.

For years I could not use the word crossdresser or tranvestite about myself, whereas now I am happy that I am a fully paid up member of the crossdressing community and fully embrace me and my female self

I don't share my crossdressing self with a wide audience, my other half knows and doesn't mind me being dressed in front of her and a very good friend of mine knows but I have never shared Rachel with her

I like the me that I am and once that acceptance came to me, I really enjoyed my dressing way more than ever before, although I have always enjoyed it even in my younger days

[missynicole]

I;m not sure I have come to terms with "Missy" yet............i love being her but................if you figure out how please let me know.........

[Aunt Kelly]

Hi, Missy.
Are you grappling with any particular issue, or is it just the whole "Why do I want this..." thing? Feel free to PM if you'd rather not share details in public.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Dena]

Once I realized I wasn't the only one and that it was fairly common, and that I loved it, it was fairly easy for me. Once I had some clothes of my own I also found I didn't think about as much as when I didn't have any feminine clothing!

[Zoe B]

When I was a child my family and friends were this is what a man does, this is the expectation. That was incredibly hard to get over as I didn't want to disappoint my parents, even when I experimented with dressing when I was a lot younger. It was not until I told my wife a few years ago that I could dare to even think about dressing as something that I could do. It probably help that her reaction was one of understanding and wondering why I was so worried about it.

This has helped me relax into Zoe and letting her guide me on this journey, ever since I have managed to let go of my worries it has been far more fun to be me and me.