Wife fears Maria

[Maria 60]

We were enjoying a glass of wine in our yard, I had pantyhose under my jeans and sitting with my pantyhose feet exposed. The kids were out and my wife turns to me and said for the life of her she can't figure out my dressing. When I told her 30 plus years ago, her final statement was she wanted to see where I was going with it.
She said the day I came home from buying my breast forms and I told her I walked in public and went in the store totally dressed and interacted as Maria, she thought that I was going to evolve. The shell was broken and I was going to break out, instead she said I did the opposite, for three weeks after that I hadn't dressed not once, and even when there was opportunity. Since that day I only dressed for one drive and last Saturday I drove her to her specialist appointment dressed and as far as she knows I wore pantyhose under only a couple of times. She said the kids are out and I'm not fully dressing and only wearing pantyhose under my jeans. She said she can't figure it out, it's like a light switch, one minute off and then something will trigger it on.
She then starting looking into the future and asked, if nature takes its coarse and the kids leave is Maria going to go full out, will the free time spin my dressing out of control and is this going to put a bourbon on our marriage. Is the lack of time for me to dress controlling me from not taking it further, and she looked at me waiting for a answer.
I told her I appreciate having this open relationship with her and being able to talk freely with each other, and that honestly I don't know where it's going to go. I told her as of now I don't get more then 3 or 4 hours at a time to dress, my most time is when I go for drives. I don't know what's going to happen when I get a full day or a weekend and more time. I told her I'm not planning anything, by the time the kids leave and it looks like we are the siblings of choice to our parents and who knows if we are going to be care givers to them and we aren't getting younger either and who knows about our health.
I asked her why all the questions and it seams she worried about what's going to happen when I get more free time, almost like she fears Maria will put an end to us.
She just answered me that over the years she has been watching from the wing and thought she would be able to figure something out with the dressing, some kind of pattern or consistently, and there was none and that's what worries her.
I told her it troubles me that she's looking to the future with negative and fear of Maria and that I can't predict what's going to happen and if we keep an open relationship I can control it to her liking and she has to except Maria's not going anywhere but can be controlled to our relationship. She was very happy with my response and she said lets hope we live long enough to find out, I was happy the way the conversation ended.
Has anyone else's wife ask where we think our dressing is going when or if we get our free time.

[bridget thronton]

Good post - my spouse's health issues have more impact on our future than any dressing concerns

[Patricia_Campi]

Hum.... my wife has the same fear. What if you want to be a woman full time?

Speaking only for me, I don´t want to be a woman full time. Dressing is something therapeutic for me. I sometimes have this huge urge to dress (most of the times, when I am stressed), but other times dressing is not on my agenda!

But, unfortunately, that didn´t make her fears diminish and we are in a DADT relation right now.

My answer to her, would be exactly like yours, I really don´t know where my dressing is going to go!

Cheers,

Patricia

[Beverley Sims]

This is something my wife has never feared.

Even when I took hormones in my younger years and grew nubby breasts.

[IleneD]

FEAR.
Fear is the perfect term. The unknown. Where is this going?
I've heard this too over the last 3 yrs since coming out (late in life into a long existing marriage). Why? What does it mean and where is it going?
I don't understand the wonderment of it entirely myself enough to say. I just pray that those who love me, especially my wife, bear with me until we do.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

Great Question and one I fear my wife also harbors.

Although I've just spent the last 3 days at home "living" as Linda my wife isn't interested in talking openly or at length on the subject of my dressing. When I try to bring it up she quickly shuts it down.

Rather that go on at length about my issues, suffice it to say this question is a regular topic between my therapist and myself.

OK, my wife just called and she's on her way home with our youngest daughter from college. Time to light the scented candles to mask the scents, strip off the nail polish and put "Linda" back in the closet. It's back to underdressing for me for the summer.

[DaisyLawrence]

Your wife asks a perfectly valid question, one to which you owe her a definitive answer. My wife hasn't asked the same question because she knows I would never take anything further than she was happy with. I see trouble ahead if you can't assure your wife, in all honesty, that you will not take things further than she is happy with.

[Tracii G]

Maria you have proven the point I have made so many times it doesn't have to go anywhere.
Just because you like to do a certain thing does not mean it automatically will cause you to do something else.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

Daisy, your point is easier said than done if what the wife wants fluctuates wildly. Yes, I'm speaking from experience. Linda is trying to get out of the house more than once a year and the response to this request goes from we can discuss it to NO, absolutely not!

Tracii, I agree it doesn't have to go anywhere but there is something about this subject that makes wives refuse to listen to our answers or believe us. And before you ask, yes my wife knew of my dressing "before" we were married 30+ years ago.

[RADER]

You have a question that many people wish they had an answer too.
My wife was OK with my dressing; her only fear was that I go out and embarrass her.
So Her rule was, No going out dressed, witch I could live with, I could never pass anyway.
Now that she has passed on, I do dress AT HOME a lot more, and only under dress out of the house.
Rader

[Cherylgyno]

Maria. I try to talk future anything with my wife and she shuts down.
We have talked about some things. I am to be dressed en femme at my funeral. When we retire to our forever home she wants me to wear a bikini bra in the pool in case family or friends visit. She asked when she first caught me if I planned to transition.
When my breasts grew past a B cup (her size). She asked when my breasts would quit growing. I told her that I hoped that I hoped they would grow to at least a G cup.
Like your wife, my wife knows that Cheryl will always be a major part of me.

[Asew]

Currently your kids create a limit on Maria and it is only natural for her to fear what will happen once the limit is removed. Think about how hard it for us to understand what drives us, it is even harder on them to know what drives us. Truthful communication is key.

When my wife asks where Asew is going, I can tell her how I currently feel and what perhaps I will like, but even that changes since the time before she asked me.

[Teresa]

Maria,
The trap is trying to give an honest answer and making a promise to stick to it . I know it's what they want to hear but is it being honest with yourself, the bottom line is we can never give that honest answer because in truth we don't truly know it ourselves !

In some respects I'm lucky now I don't have my wife to make that promise to but it still something I can't honestly answer to myself .

[char GG]

Just my opinion, but I think the fear comes from not getting an answer to what will happen in the future. Like many of you have said, you don't know yourselves how you feel, so how are your wives suppose to deal with the uncertainty looming in the background. I realize you are trying to give honest answers to your spouses. Honesty is still a future of the unknown, kind of like the twilight zone.

When my spouse decided to start CDing 5 years ago, I remember asking him "what is the road map?" He never dressed at home but only to go out. He went out twice a month, he said that was the extent of his dressing. Then he started wanting to go out once a week. It was ok with me, whatever he wanted to do, but I reminded him that the road map had now changed from twice a month to four times a month. If he wants to go more than that, I will again remind him again of what he said before.

In reality, he is his own person and is in charge of his own destiny. However, I will not be a pawn and I won't be a doormat. Whether or not that his life includes me will be part of his road map. At this point, I',m fine with what he wants to do. If he decides that he wants to go further (such as getting intimate with other men) with what he claims is just a "hobby", if the road map changes too drastically, I won't stand in his way. My personal road map may change depending on the situation, to include or not include him.

[ReineD]

Is the lack of time for me to dress controlling me from not taking it further, and she looked at me waiting for a answer.
I told her ... [snip] ... that honestly I don't know where it's going to go.

An old and very wise CD/TG (now passed away), who had been hugely involved in the CDing community and had been going out dressed since the 1970s once told me that in general, CDs/TGs will go as far as they possibly can, without endangering too much their relationships, jobs, friends, etc. In other words, if a wife will go along, a CDer potentially will go much farther (dressing near full time after retirement) than one whose wife doesn't go along.

It has been my experience from having known many wives of CDers in this forum and elsewhere that although there are some, there aren't many wives who are willing to live publicly with a husband who dresses almost full time.

So it is worrisome for most wives to hear that their husbands don't know how far it will go.




I told her it troubles me that she's looking to the future with negative and fear of Maria and that I can't predict what's going to happen and if we keep an open relationship I can control it to her liking and she has to except Maria's not going anywhere but can be controlled to our relationship.

Good answer! However far you go, it is important if you want to maintain happiness in your relationship that you and your wife together find a happy balance. The balancing point is different for every couple. It depends on many factors including where they live, their family/community's general attitudes about the CDing, how involved is their social life, etc.

[DaisyLawrence]

However far you go, it is important if you want to maintain happiness in your relationship that you and your wife together find a happy balance.

Exactly. The emphasis is on 'together'.

[alwayshave]

Maria, you're communicating, that has to be 95% of the battle. As long as your honest and stick to agreed upon limits, all should be fine.

[Shely]

As someone who has had several of these discussion with my wife, i know the feelings expressed here are real and unsettling. We were married for quite a few years before she understood the extent of my dressing. In fact it was quite a few years before i understood how far it would go. Now we are married for almost 44 years. My wife was initially afraid that i would someday want to transition, and I tried to reassure her that is NOT something I had any ideas of doing, ever. I do realize the progression of this "thing" seems very unpredictable and that leads to added pressure on the relationship. I sometimes wish it would go away, in fact, often actually. the life would be much simpler although not as fun i guess. I guess i will just hang on and see what happens. The biggest problem as i see it is the DADT routine places a block in the communications process. (Just my $0.02)

[Nikki A.]

My wife harbored the same fear, how far will I go and what if I decided to transition and would I leave her or would she want me in her life. We did strike a compromise that stayed in place until she passed away.
Since her death, I have gone further in my dressing and while I still don't think I want to transition, I must admit the thought has crossed my mind and I'm still not sure where the end of this ride is. I know SRS surgery is not something I would do, but FFS and hormones might be a possible avenue.
I know it is impossible, but if I awoke one morning and was all female, I would have no problem adjusting.

[Zoeytgtx]

My wife is extremely threatened by Zoey. She has stated numerous times to me that she is so threatened by my relationship to Zoey that she is willing to continue our marriage and treats it as is there is another woman in our relationship. She tolerates this out of fear of losing me. I just can't fathom this deep seated fear at all which makes it worse for her because she thinks I refuse to take it seriously.

[Gillian Gigs]

It seems that most people fear what they don't understand. Open communication is the best way to bring understanding to the situation. From the CD'er prospective, we sometimes don't fully know how far we might go. I agree with ReineD when she says the comment from the old CD'er. "in general, CDs/TGs will go as far as they possibly can, without endangering too much their relationships, jobs, friends, etc. In other words, if a wife will go along, a CDer potentially will go much farther (dressing near full time after retirement) than one whose wife doesn't go along." That is relatively true in my case, being retired, I dress more now than before. In another comment ReineD says,"it is important if you want to maintain happiness in your relationship that you and your wife together find a happy balance. The balancing point is different for every couple. For a CD'er no Truer words have never been written. I will also admit that in the past I stretched the boundaries to see if there would be any reaction. If there was no reaction the new boundary was set, if something was said, then it was back to the status quo. These were little things though.

As we all age and hormone levels change, are feelings about how far we would like to go can change also. My happy balance is a result of finding a win-win for both my wife and myself. It is good to occasionally discuss the issues to make sure no one is harbouring anything.

[Stephanie47]

The biggest problem as I see it is the DADT routine places a block in the communications process. (Just my $0.02)

That's the issue or problem with my wife and me. My wife does not appreciate my desires to wear women's clothing. Our last discussion was in the early 1980's. Since then no discussion. She does not throw barbs my way or make caustic remarks. On occasion she'll find a panty or bra I failed to sequester away after a day of Stephanie time. She'll tell me she found a panty and she placed it out of sight on the dryer behind the doors in the laundry area. I know her mindset.

I've been fully retired for over ten years. In the past I have had plenty of time to express myself. There were a number of years when my wife visited our child or a cousin out of state and I had Stephanie time 24/7 for up to ten days. Wow! Now she is semi-retired, working full days on occasion. Maybe once a week or less. No femme time in the summers.

How far would I go with my desires? I know her fears expressed decades ago are unfounded. I have no desire to go further than wearing women's clothing. I enjoy being a male. I enjoy wearing women's clothing. I do not know why I do what I do. I told her that decades ago. I could tell her how wearing women's clothing makes me feel. It brings about serenity. Long ago it was also an escape from the stresses society imposes upon men. I think there is something to the phrase "The Woman Within." I have encountered too many boorish men during my seven decades. They're the 'cave man' type. I do ascribe to the belief each person has some degree of the opposite sex in his or her DNA. Some have more than others. I suspect that is the case with me.

I would love it if my wife was on board with my desires to dress as a woman. I know it is not going to happen. When she fully retires what will happen? Will I become totally frustrated? Will I become the person I would never want to be? Sometimes I wish she would just scream and yell just so a conversation could be initiated. She does not want to talk about it at all.

[Angela Marie]

I have not dressed in a few years but the urge is always there. My wife gave me the latitude to dress when I wanted. Her fear was that someone would see me. Although I assured her that I was very careful she still harbored reservations.