How Can I Possibly Support My Family!

[Susan Stevens]

I am ready to just be me and feel normal. Everytime I even look at the option, I realize, Susan cannot support the family. I would find myself unemployed very quickly. Before you try to tell me different, or that I may be wrong, I'm not. The industry I work in is dominated by right-wing religious conservative types. They have no issues showing their bigotry. They have learned I will not allow it, and as the manager, I have some pull, but when ownership joins in the antiLGBT retoric...I would quit if I could, but I have a wife and children who count on me to provide for them...I don't know how to change industries or my career path without giving up my pay...so I suffer quietly, knowing I can't do it forever, but also knowing I don't have much choice.

Just needing a safe place to vent. Sorry!

[Ashley in Virginia]

I came out at work last year. The company was supportive but the customers by and large were not. I got called names on a daily basis and even assaulted at one point. I realized that I had no option other than to get the hell out of there to save my sanity.

Now I am in a coding boot camp learning web development.

I am a single parent with two children. I know that feeling of being stuck and not having options. You really have to look at what it's worth to you and what your options really are. Can you cash out retirement and live on that while you find another job. Can you work two part time jobs and make ends meet while you figure out the next steps of where you want to be. I look at my job transition similarly to my gender transition. I HAD to do it. I was miserable and hated everything about being there. Just like my transition I came to the conclusion that now is the time and life is far too short for this.

I really hope you find happiness, and are able to live the life you are meant to live without worry.

[Rachael Leigh]

Sorry Susan this is something you deal with. I’m very fortunate to work for a company that is very supportive of LGBQT
issues. I truly hope you can find your answers

[Megan G]

Susan,

As the saying goes “where there is a will there is a way”...,.

If transitioning is something you truly NEED there is nothing that will hold you back from it because it is not an option, it’s a necessity....

I transitioned in a very accepting company but got laid off due to changing policies in the government. I found another accepting company only to get laid off again so now i find myself back in college and i have never been happier.

Yes i have a family to support also but i could not do it if i was not alive and not transitioning would have absolutely ended my life.

[Pat]

Susan -- I think what you describe is the reason so many TS folks describe reaching the point of "transition or die." That's a pretty stark set of choices that will impact your family much more.

You mention you're in management which means you must be used to long-range planning. What if you set yourself a five-year goal of putting yourself into circumstances that are better for you? It could be relocation, retraining, change of fields -- whatever. Blue sky it out and explore the alternatives. What does a perfect transition circumstance look like to you? What does an adequate circumstance look like? I guess I'm just saying don't think "I can't" or "I'm helpless," think "how could I?" "what can I change?"
:2c:

[Dorit]

Susan, I can completely identify with you concern of losing your employment because of "right wing religious conservative types."
While I am self-employed with adult children, a much easier situation than yours, when I publicly declared my transition to Dorit, I lost clients. After a twenty year relationship, one client unilaterally cancelled our contract when they heard I was transgender, entirely for religious reasons. Another client I myself had decided to cancel for my own sanity after months of verbal abuse of an entirely religious nature. I hope you can find some alternative to your present situation that will allow you the freedom to be you.

[Laura912]

Susan, understandably, there just is not enough information in your OP to be of much help other than methodology that Pat suggested. For example, knowing your industry might help others suggest parallel careers. Good luck.

[Susan Stevens]

Thanks ladies! I really just needed a place to vent last night. I do have the beginnings of a long term plan that includes opening my own business! It will take me and my family on a completely new path, but the family is very supportive! Getting a solid business plan and presenting it to the lenders will take some time. I need to be a little more financially stable before I can start asking for money! Thanks for the support and kind words! 😘

[Lana Mae]

Susan, if you have a plan and support, go with the plan! All the best to you! Hugs Lana Mae

[chelyann]

good luck , hope your dream works out.
keep us posted

[mbmeen12]

T
hanks ladies! I really just needed a place to vent last night. I do have the beginnings of a long term plan that includes opening my own business.

Thats the spirit Sue......Go out there and kick ass. Yup leadership has their ignorance abound. Then only you can make decisions. Its better to lose one battle then the war!

[LeaP]

If you can work for yourself, go for it.

You’re right about most of corporate America. I came out at work and my position was eliminated not too long after. It had NOTHING to do with me, of course ...

I do have to say that I know at least 3 people in senior positions who have managed to keep their jobs, though, so it IS possible for some.

[Teresa]

Susan,
Obviously you don't say what your business is but being self employed isn't the bed of roses some people think it is. You are hoping to transition but if you are a one man band there's is no space to take time off . I was a self employed photographer for thirty years , so my time would be commited to for a year or two ahead through wedding bookings . Time off with a bad cold or flu didn't happen so anything more than that just wouldn't have fitted in . The other angle was photography needed so much expensive equipment , big industrial jobs needed large lighting units and my colour darkroom needed constant throughput to keep chemicals right . I had to keep work coming in to fund all that . Plus feed and educate my family and keep a roof over their heads , self employed have very few rights , you're on your own !

I do feel for you , sadly US companies don't give the same support or abide by the laws as much as UK companies do although there are always exceptions . Also religion doen't have the same impact in the UK in industry . OK I had problems with it through the various denominations I worked under with my weddings .

Family support is great to have but no answer if you are the main bread winner , I hope you can work round the employment problem because transition is more than enough to think about .

[Susan Stevens]

Business ownership does take it's own toll for sure. I have opened my own business before, and was on my way to success when I suffered a major injury to my back and couldn't work for a while. I didn't have any health coverage... I ended up selling everything off, paid for surgery and my recovery, then joined the work force again. That was a tough year! I do appreciate the advice though. I hadn't considered the transition while trying to build and maintain a new business. Something to consider for sure!

[Adelaide]

Dear Susan.
I feel for you....having a handicapped child and an unaccepting wife who had breast cancer with some secondary effects that may be there for life... I have to put the real me aside for a while....You're not alone....

[Devi SM]

Susan,
I don't know mayor details about you but if you're not under therapy, it would help you a lot.
That was my window to this world before I get out to my wife...
To transition sometimes is needed to think in job trasnition too.
I'm just beginning a new line of work, self employed that would allow me to work in femme...
Luckily, My wife supports me and for the meantime she is making more money than me

[PamelaRI]

Susan,

As someone who has owned their own business for over 15 years, I can tell you that it may not make your financial worries go away. If anything it could exacerbate the concerns as you have to hunt your own business while navigating your way through the jungle of misunderstanding, dislike and calls of abomination. And it is from both sides of the political spectrum and from other members of the LGBT community. Just yesterday at one of my customers (a university with select gender neutral bathrooms), there were several comments about "LGBTQ have they added any more letters?" And this from a reportedly hetero-normative person who was selected to sit on their transgender policy committee and is as best as I can tell a very nice person. I think their comments hurt more than those from people who use an ancient text written by men to define and control the acceptable behavior of others while doing what they want.

Back to my point, this is my second largest customer and despite their public face of trans acceptance and my over 15 years of dedicated service to their organization, I worry that if I continue moving from the masculine side of androgynous presentation to the more feminine side and potentially HRT that they wouldn't be so understanding. And since I'm contracted they could drop me with a simple letter. Never mind my largest customer who's gone from announcing a trans acceptance policy to it being withdrawn by a tweet, to it now being in limbo.

So I'm actually trying to go in the opposite direction and leave the high paying consulting world for a corporate position in a company with some decent record of responsible LGBTQ employment policies (I'm also thinking to retirement and the increasing probability that disability insurance may be necessary), but I know that all it takes is one manager who doesn't like your trans status to create some performance issue that keeps you down or moves you out. Interestingly despite my 30 years of experience in a field begging for talent, no one seems to want to go past the phone interview.

Consequently, neither support your family scenario is without risk or concern. So before you leap make sure that you have a solid sense of how you'd make it regardless of your other life decisions. Also make sure that the family you want to support is on solid ground. I know my daughter would be shocked, but would be supportive while my wife already knows that I'm not in the male box and ignores things, but might continue ignoring or leave. These plus other things sometimes keeps me up at night searching for answers.

I wish you well as you try to navigate the minefield that lays before you. I'm sure that you will find a path that works for you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I had a nice corporate income... There is alot to be said for holding back the GD and doing what you must to make cash flow for you and yours..

for me personally... I could not wring the towel out any more... I was falling apart....but I did hold in for 3 or 4 years just to continue the income...we were divorcing so I let that all happen and basically gave her alot and had to move on...its very sad on one level but I have to live with that... I was lucky tho...my company value went way up..and I had stock options..

Pamela I had a similar thing...20+ yrs...best in class executive... thats me.... when they found I was on the market, my phone exploded... then they found out why I left...and that was that...nobody wanted to get involved..
I could've made my own calls and for a short while I did, but the positions I could get were not my skill set and nobody wanted me... in a way I was so miserable at the time I thought I deserved it, and I think I secretly just wanted an excuse to just get out of that world..

I was super lucky because when I left my plan was to start my own business.
OMG what a train wreck..

first off...I didnt know myself...im not a self starter... im not organized...I need some structure ..consulting was out of the question for me...
second ...be careful about getting into something you love....it will very often destroy your love for it...
third...you need way more capital than you think...I should have known better but I banked on hope and past success
fourth...I found the small business world is like a guzzling a fire hose of incompetence compared to a corporate/company gig...

and finally its a real thing... the whole gender idea ..."wow you know your stuff"....(for a girl)..."im surprised you are looking at that". (girls dont do that).... "wow...you are one tough lady".... over and over...I fired my first lawyer when he told me that I didnt need to "know all that legalese stuff"

im a fricking math major... and I'd work up some numbers and the accountant would bristle like I was kicking him in the nuts...and the way I was looked at(leered at) when I was dressed up....lets just say I wasnt used to that....

anyway...that was alot of sidebar...but I respect that you are thinking of your $$ responsibility....working out that balance is really really hard...you are not alone

if you feel the GD is really bad, you can work at expressing your gender more and more outside of work..I did that and found it very rewarding right up until I didnt .... but at that point I had tons of "outside" experience, and I could seriously say to myself I had tried my best, that I was out of gas and ready to give up on life....that I tried everything and I had no choice.... very stark and difficult but it actually helped me cope

if the GD feels ok, then its going to be really hard to just push a button and transition with all the other stuff going on, and trust me...in alot of ways thats a good thing...

[kimdl93]

Lots of great perspectives here. I've worn many hats in my professional life, working in government, non-profit and for profit enterprises....mostly midlevel management. I even consulted and did a small business start up. All I can say from that experience is, start ups are hugely difficult. Consulting was an ok supplemental option and actually opened the door to my current gig as CEO of a health center. None of these experiences came with the additional risk of transition. My guess is that your long term plan might include the option of finding a trans friendly company where your demonstrated skills can be fully utilized and appreciated. That might get you where you want to go faster and with far less risk than other options.

[pamela7]

I'll echo Katilyn Michelle's post - tales of incompetence and prejudice. And I'll add some rationales (in the muggle minds) that I've discovered over the years, and yes there are exceptions to these points, but in essence:

Firstly, "sex sells". Now, once you trans you lose potentially the female clientele who were there for some quality-friendly male attention. Not only that, the men now feel sexually threatened (as they're basically predators), and their wives feel threatened by their husbands working with a transwoman. Double-whammy at least.

Secondly, people have to tell others' of their experiences. And it goes like this "you consulted with a tranny? are you serious? they can't ..." and variations on the theme of "social embarrassment" over who they use to consult, over who they go to for therapy (my line of work). So people don't refer, don't ask, don't risk.

Third, if a person is going to call in outside help, they need to see that help as superior in some way. Generally speaking, while our trans minds are superior, the mainstream can't see that, so it's like down-scaling, down-consulting.

So, if you're going to support your family, think about targeting the lgbt community for your line of work. cos chance are you will lose the other 95%. Scary, huh.

[Tracii G]

I agree with kimdl93.
There is always a risk when coming out as trans or TS in a work environment and losing a good income is not something a person wants to do.
Sometimes change is what it takes to make you happy in the long term.

[IleneD]

Susan,

My heart goes out to you and your family. These are the kinds of deviling choice we all have faced in life; the choice between fully honoring ourselves and having to live in the practical real world of career, family, school, etc.

I'm curious about the specific nature of your career & industry because I long suffered (and enjoyed) having to live in such an environment. I was a career military officer, and OF COURSE I had to hide my transgender nature. For a young man trying to be a "normal guy', and who thought he was always some variety of queer, the military was a great place to hide out and appear to be one of the guys.
All around me was the full testosterone pressure to be extreme male. Even after the implementation of DADT, it would have been career and possibly life suicide to come out or be discovered in any manner. I completely understand your position even if I don't understand your work culture.

One advantage I had was the moral high ground. Being a government servant and sworn to uphold the Constitution for ALL Americans, it was easy to beat down any hint of racism or bigotry. I just pulled out my Constitution and reminded all my troops (or THAT particular troop) what they were sworn to do. HOWEVER...... and not surprising, the one form of bigotry that was tolerated openly in the military was anti-LGBT bigotry. I know things have somewhat changed in the last decade or so about name calling and shaming of anyone suspected of being "less than a full round man", but it was still ugly during my time. It's a difficult form of hate to defeat. I am reminded that at least 2 trans girls have been murdered in TX over the last month or so.

If you're selecting your family, career, and financial future over standing up for your TG rights and being a crusader..... congratulations on your common sense. It only proves to me that you and your CD/TG life are a real person, with a real life and a mind; someone grounded. Your venting worked. I read most of the advice. Great stuff from our Sisters, as always. Love these girls. Take that deep breath. Proceed on your plan. I admire you greatly. Your family should know what a wonderful combined Daddy & Mommy they have in such a loving concerned soul.

[Susan Stevens]

I am always impressed by the array of advice and views I find on this forum. I appreciate the time and thought put into the responses. I'm still not sure what the future holds, but I know it will include transition. Today is one of the days that proves to me I cannot keep doing this part time. My wife and I went out to S4 on Saturday with some friends. I spent hours shaving, prepping, glueing a wig in place, everything that goes into looking the part. We had a fantastic night, including meeting new friends! As I striped myself of my femininity last night to be ready for work the next day, I couldn't help but cry. To make matters worse, for the next month or more my skin will be showing it's anger for the shaving, a constant reminder of the work that must be done to gain temporary relief from the masculine shell. I am Susan in mind and heart, and like the rest of us, I only want the outward appearance to reflect that.

So I press on. I love my children and my wife far more than I do myself. This keeps me alive and working to support them. My wife continues to work her way to becoming the bread winner, and my children continue to grow up. Next year I will have two of four who will have started building lives of their own as adults, which will decrease our required income. So I have more time before I can transition, though I have considered looking at HRT sooner than later.

Thanks again for the kind words and honest advice. You ladies are great!😘

[Dorit]

Susan, have you considered starting laser hair removal? It can be a long process of more than one year, but it will solve your shaving problem.

[Susan Stevens]

Susan, have you considered starting laser hair removal? It can be a long process of more than one year, but it will solve your shaving problem.

Cost is the only thing holding me back. I am looking at getting process started, though it looks like some of my beard is going grey, so I may have to look at other methods as well.

[mattea]

Susan,

My thoughts and prayers are with you, as I sat riveted reading and re-reading everyone's advice and your comments, I couldn't help but feel your pain because I am in the same boat working in a field that transition or even discovery would mean that I would most likely lose my job, and not be able to work in the field. It is less about political or religious aspirations of my peers and more a perspective issue as we have a number of lesbian and gay personnel its more along the line of just plain misunderstanding about what we are. Even though the gay and lesbian community is well represented, my profession is still a very tough profession where it doesn't pay to be girly. When Caitlyn Jenner came out to the world I thought this would at least be a chance, but the rhetoric that started up in my peers at work was more than troubling. I find myself at an age that my only choice is to live the two lives and take solace in the fact that I am providing for my family first and will someday be able to completely present as I want once they are all taken care of and once I leave my career field when I retire.

Good luck to you, I guess my message is that you are not alone Sister! I also want to comment on all of the posts in this thread, you ladies are some of the world's greatest people and I love you all!

Mattea

[IleneD]

I know the feeling of despair, even sadness when returning back to drab. It's a real and I believe common feeling among CD.
Go slowly, Susan. And with all love. Do that and I believe you will find the opportunities you seek.
Peace.

[Lygophilia]

It is unfortunate in the position that you are in. In hindsight, religion is trash. Look what happens when people are tainted by it? Almost got my hand burnt in the hot skillet by my grandfather, because of his religious foolishness. Think the world would be better off without it.