how long is reasonable?

[elizabethamy]

Hi everyone,

I saw on another site a thread where transitions were discussing how long is necessary for an opposed partner/SO to come to terms with and to accept life with a partner who has fully transitioned. I'm finding that even just a couple months into the transition process -- just beginning beard removal and hormones but out to boss, HR, a few friends, and many many long discussions with SO -- it feels like every day is a month and every week is a year.

Yes, we have been married a long time, 30+ years, and I am wondering if it's ever going to be possible for us to continue as a couple. I am going to go full time as early as August but if not then, in January. Some people on the other site were saying you just continue talking and disagreeing for two or three or five years to see if a joint understanding arises. That sounds like death by arguing to me, years of misery, as opposed to death by not transitioning, which is where I was a few months ago after more years of closeted misery.

Outside the home, I'm happier than I've been in years, and people who both do and don't know the reason have noticed and told me that I'm different, better, happier, etc. At home it feels like a long battle with intermittent peace agreements.

We have all the therapists we can handle - one for each of us and starting today, one for us as a couple.

So what I wonder from the generous folks on this site is -- how long till we are able to do this together rather than to be oppositional? Has anyone started out this way and ended up still a couple and mutually loving and supportive? I knew when I told her I was now going to deal with my gender issues that it might mean that we split, so I'm willing to do that if I have to, but obviously I would prefer to stay together if we can. Thanks for any advice/thoughts/stories you have.

elizabethamy


p.s. I'm going to be late for work because I can't bear to take off my new dress. Which is a reminder of why I want to go full time sooner rather than later, so I can keep the dress and lose the dysphoria!

[Pat]

No one can answer that question, you know that, right? If you want to be one of the couples that survive transition, I think you should (both) acquaint yourselves with examples of couples who've done it. There are a number of books out there that talk about that -- Jennifer Finney Boylen's books come to mind. There are a lot more. If you can dig down and find the places you have experiences in common, or even if you can agree on circumstances that just won't work for you, then you're closer to finding the answer.

[Sarah Doepner]

Elizabeth,

I personally know two couples who have stayed together through the process of transition and into a new life as two women. Their commitment to one another was tested multiple times, they had to evaluate their finances, question their sexuality, their faith and how important those things were to the relationship. They knew how difficult it would be for some family, friends and professional associates to understand and eventually accept this new version of them as a couple. The trick seems to be they went into it with their eyes open and an understanding that changes would require a lot of work, communication, sacrifice and a regular renewal of the love they shared. They also knew there were no guarantees that it would work.

Search out couples who have traveled this path successfully and you may find they are willing to share stories that can help you navigate through some of the obstacles they encountered. There are even more couples who saw their relationship fall apart. While reading their stories may be depressing, they may offer insights that can alert you to potential problems you can face without the shock and surprise that may have added to the failure of their relationships.

Good luck.

[Sandra]

Me and Nigella are still together, we will celebrate 31 years married this coming August.

Everyone is different and there's a lot of factors, how long has your wife known you are TS? Did she find out herself did you tell her. Give us some more information about how she's coping now. You've got to understand that it's not an overnight thing for the SO she has to come to terms with what is going on and process everything.

[Mirya]

One thing I have noticed is that couples who already had a strong, close, trusting and loving relationship tend to have a better chance of staying together after the trans woman comes out and transitions. Whereas those whose marriages were already on shaky ground have almost no chance of staying together through such a difficult change.

[Ariana225]

My SO has come around after a month (CDing for over a year) of knowing and insists that I transition because she cares for me and wants me to be happy no matter what. I in return have done everything I can to make her happy. We already have a marriage like Miyra just explained, so that probably played a huge factor as well. Both have to transition at the same time. If you want it to work you have to be a team and make tough decisions together.

My gender therapist said it’s probably one of the fastest turn arounds by a SO that she has ever seen. But you have to understand there are good days and bad days. And acceptance can vary over time.

Oh and a time table where you can both prepare yourselves for transition I think is required. Me and my wife gave it 5-10 years to prepare our future for it to work out. If you rush along making all the decisions yourself and not caring or including your SO, I think it has less of a chance of working out.