So, it happend

[almalove]

............so deep i truouble, ............she found out, .........it mgth be over very soon, yes, it was that bad, and no amout of words can make me feel better, so, its ok not to reply, just had to tell someone, how stupid of me,.....

[Suzie Petersen]

This too shall pass

[Jessica May]

Hope everything works out. Stay strong

[Gemmacd]

Those of us who are in the closet, it's our biggest fear. Stay safe and big hugs. x

[bridget thronton]

Sorry to hear - perhaps things will be better in a few days

[DIANEF]

Sometimes the shock takes time to get over, hang in there.

[Tamsin Secret]

Alma, when a fear becomes a reality it is sometimes very over powering. Please remember although she may be shocked you haven't done anything that's broken the law, your not cheating on her or any other catastrophic action.

Yes she is going to be shocked and it may take time to heal.

Just hang in there, be open and honest from here on in and answer honestly any questions she may have. Don't push the subject and if you don't already be the best husband/partner you can be.

Wish you the best of luck,

Tammy

[Helen_Highwater]

Alma,

Yep it's manys worst nightmare. So, Stay calm, don't panick. Give the dust time to settle. As Diane says it's the shock that takes time to get over. A semblance of sanity starts to return. Once that happens then it's time for the dialogue to begin.

Use the intervening time to get your own thoughts in order. If it saves the relationship are you willing to give up dressing? Some would say that's giving into blackmail and has no place in a give and take relationship. That's for you to decide.

Try to have a set of discussion points laid out in your head. It may be possible to rationalise things and show it's not the horror show that your SO sees it as.

Good fortune going forward.

[Elizabeth G]

I'm not saying it will be a cakewalk and obviously your mileage may vary but my wife found out about my dressing in a less than ideal manner and one and a half years later we are still together.

Is it perfect? No. Could it be better? Sure. All I'm saying is that although things will never be the same all may not be lost. Good luck.

[Teresa]

Alma,
Let me just tell you some advice from my first counsellor , your head fills up with so many assumptions, they go round in ever decreasing circles, in the process screwing you up more and more . Some of the assumptions are based on reality of the situation the rest are based on ill thought fears . Try not to panic too much, let the dust settle.

I would advise you to use the time to write it all down, your entire history of CDing, how it started and where it is now , don't BS it, be truthful to yourself so when the time comes you can be truthgful to your wife/partner . It will also give a good starting point if counselling comes into the picture, if it's offerred I suggest you take it , if you can get her on board it could all work out OK .

Please understand most of us know all these feelings and most of us are on the forum because we're going through it or been through it . I'm know in a happier situation despite being separated from my wife she is also happier , we now have an amicable friendship , I'm sure we both know there's no going back so we are building new lives, this is despite us both being in our sixties , the World hasn't ended for either of us .

[Beverley Sims]

Sometimes you miscalculate things, but you can recover.

Teresa seems to have some good advice here.

[Sarah Doepner]

My late wife was shocked when she discovered my crossdressing and I was fortunate that she did her homework. She realized my feminine aspect, caring and appreciation of her family had been a hidden part of what attracted her to me. The thing that she was never really happy about was me hiding it from her. It took much longer to regain her trust than it did to be able to hang my dresses in the closet.

She will have a lot of conflicting feelings and it may take time to parse out all the different things that have made this discovery such a shock. Anyone else in your life who knows and she trusts may be the ally you can call on. You don't have to be ashamed of your crossdressing, but consider you might have to be willing to take the hit on hiding it from someone you have been sharing life with.

Good luck

[Nikkilovesdresses]

You've been on this site for over 10 years, and it's likely you've loved women's clothes for far longer than that.

Perhaps it isn't you who should change.

[Krea]

There is always the chance that this will happen, no matter how careful.
The best that you can do is be honest with your wife now and hope that she is able to be open-minded to a degree. Hope it works out well. Best wishes. :)

[Tracii G]

Now she knows and you will have to deal with the situation as best you can.
I hope you can come to an understanding once the dust settles.

[Stephanie47]

Give it some time. I know you're feeling as if a tornado has swept through your life. I just posted a comment to a thread by JuliePtown. Maybe my response there is also applicable to your situation as it develops. You need to give your wife time for this information to sink in. My recommendation is always answer a wife's inquiry in a truthful manner with full disclosure. It's worse if it seeps out piece by piece. If you do not truly know "Why you do what you do" don't give her some self serving BS. Women are not fools! I told my wife I do not know why I like to wear women's clothing which is totally different than how I may feel when I am emulating a woman.

[Rebecca60]

At least you hit it out. Myself I'm not about too.
hopefully things will be fine for you. Stay strong.

[Joni T]

This is precisely why one needs to be up front and in the open about their cd'ing from the git-go.
Jon

[Bobbi46]

Keep talking dont withdraw into yourself, be open and sincere, tell her there was never any intention to hurt her in any way, tell her you are there for her and her alone and underneath everything else you are still the same person she married, yes it came as a shock for her to find out but by talking you can overcome this little glitch in your life. Talking is far better than silence, keep the door open for dialogue, pick your times right and try and explain as much as you can, explain why you are like this, why this life is part of you but you are still you.
best wishes and keep talking.

[docrobbysherry]

Alma, what did u do that was so wrong? U haven't done anything wrong! U simply were being u. And, if u lied or deceived her? Is this the first time either of u did that? Probably not. And, it won't be the last!

Talk it over. Work it out. Compromise. If u can't do that, see a good, experienced therapist. If u both want your marriage to work, it will. If she doesn't, it's probably not just to do with your dressing, is it!?:straightface:

[kimdl93]

Be as strong as you can. When you feel hopeless, just find a quiet place, force yourself to read a book and separate yourself from the moment.

[Bobbi46]

be strong and know this all of the sisters here are here to support you, do not lose faith, things may look bad at the moment but they will not be like that all the time, think positive and try and look on the bright side there is a future there for you, I feel it and sincerely hope it is there for you

[Sallee]

sounds like time for a little couples therapy. Thar will help might not save a marriage but you both should feel better because of it. If it ends it was meant to be

[almalove]

Thanks so much for all the suport,.......... its been..... a roller coster of emotions and reactions from her, there were over the years many little details, she noticed, but didnt know what to make of them, from some coments from an old roommate in the begining to a misteriuos recipt for some makeup about a year ago, then last week there were some videos on my phone about crossdressing on my phone, that just broke camel's back, and all the tipycal suspicions and questions came out, are you gay? Do you want to be a woman? And then there was the wost all, did you actualy love me or are just using me???? Now its feels like its just a matter of time before its over, everything i have done is under suspition, from why I wanted her to go on vacation alone to why do I do the dishes, and i can't blame her......................how vould I? I love her, but I'm not what she thougth I was................

[Rachelish]

Alma
You say "I'm not what she thought I was" but fundamentally you still are. The CDing is a part of you but needn't define you. Hopefully that will become clearer as the dust settles.
Rachel

[Becky Blue]

Lots of really good advice Alma, hang in there and hopefully some open and honest discussions can take place.. she is shocked and is entitled to be, but time is a great healer.. but patient and be honest...

[almalove]

There is always the chance that this will happen, no matter how careful.
The best that you can do is be honest with your wife now and hope that she is able to be open-minded to a degree. Hope it works out well. Best wishes. :)
She just can’t understand why, and I can’t explain it either, I can’t blame her, all my life its crumbing in front of my eyes, and its all my fault..........

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Hope everything works out. Stay strong

Thanks, I can be strong, as strong as the bigest man, there’s literaly nothing out there that I fear, but, seing her suffer for this deception.... Its just too much, and its all my doing.......

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This too shall pass

Yes, some day it will, but the damage and the hurt of now can’t be for gotten.... thank you for the suport

[Helen_Highwater]

Alma,

It may not be forgotten, that's not to say it can't be forgiven. Don't loose hope.

[jjjjohanne]

There are posts here where wives talk about their perspective on our dressing. It is helpful/eye-opening. It seems to say that the betrayal causes them to feel distrustful of us due to the secrecy. It is possibly true that the secrecy is worse than the dressing. But don't take my word for it. Go read their words. It might help you relate to her experience.

[Teresa]

Alma,
Accept it's always been there and try and convince your wife you are still the same person it's just another side that is wanting to emerge . If she would allow it to happen you can learn how to integrate the two sides of you .

OK I admit when all my problems surfaced I did question how much my wife truly loved me , and asked her on more than one occasion . You may have to accept it's not what you thought it was despite your CDing and she's now found an excuse she's been looking for . Eventually I feel my wife killed off any love I felt for her , she just kept hurting me too many times . You may look back and say as I have that the damage was done when you came out to her and perhaps she should have been more honest with you from that point . It does take two to make it work , sometimes there is blame on both sides, so don't feel too guilty about your feelings and needs .

[alwayshave]

Alma, I'm so sorry for your anguish surrounding your wife finding out. I hope that going forward she calms down and life can calm down.

[Linda P.]

Darkest before the dawn. Faith, hope, and patience. My best wishes that you may both find a way.

[phili]

Alma, I keep hearing you say 'It is my fault", which is not true- as the 'it' is the reaction of your wife to her own views of crossdressing, and most of that has nothing much to do with you!

One terrible thing about this kind of blowup is that we find out the precariousness of our relationships- and how much of it was seemingly supported by false notions of who we are, or performing roles for each other, etc. I tend to believe that we can overcome that, but I have had the feeling more than once that perhaps the thick screen of gender expectations may not be penetrated by my loving notions enough, or fast enough.

The other wild card is the sense of loss and insecurity for our SO- she my have felt secure and stable as a woman who has found a man that fills all the blanks. Now- all that goes away, and she wonders how she is going to survive. Safety is seen as depending on predictability and normalcy, and fantasies we may have about somehow being able to dress as women just seem like a testimony to being dangerously stupid. And our online explorations are seen essentially like leaving her and having an affair.

All that said, the advice you are hearing is from others who have weathered this storm, and sometimes the SO uses the opening to leave. Most settle into a DADT compromise, as that recognizes the fact that crossdressers do exist all over the place in the normal population, and yet it is just too big a step for the wife to be associated with one. It then ends up being seen as a kinky secret, which is managed and therefore seems normal- most people have some kind of personal special things that they do that they can't really share.

[sometimes_miss]

Perhaps it isn't you who should change.
Ohhhh, suggesting that SHE's the problem will NOT go over well.

Alma, what did u do that was so wrong? Do haven't done anything wrong! U simply were being u. And, if u lied or deceived here? Is this the first time either of u did that? Probably not.
Doesn't matter. Women expect total honesty, and reserve the right for deception, for themselves.

all the tipycal suspicions and questions came out, are you gay? Do you want to be a woman? And then there was the wost all, did you actualy love me or are just using me????
That was my experience. We went to a therapist/marriage counselor, and even though wifey understood what she was learning, she still didn't like it. It was the 'you aren't who I thought you were' situation. We only lasted three years after that. Maybe you'll fare better than I did. All I can suggest, is find a therapist who can help her understand everything that's going on, and someone that she can talk about it with. Because women need to talk about things, and if it winds up with someone who doesn't know and accept what YOU are, it's not going to go well. Most women won't accept a guy who crossdresses, and if her closest support person is one of those, you're in for big trouble.

You say "I'm not what she thought I was" but fundamentally you still are.
You're missing part of that. She thought he was a standard issue male. He wasn't. Yes, he is still the same person he always was, but she didn't know what he was before she fell in love with him. The image of the all masculine manly man now has cracks in it.
I tried the argument that I'm still the same person I was before you knew about the crossdressing. Didn't go over well at all.

It is possibly true that the secrecy is worse than the dressing.
It's usually a combination of both. However, women will often get over dishonesty over time if you remain trustworty from then on, because the physical attraction remains. But if you change her image of you from manly man to feminine guy (her mental image of you in a dress, make up, wig, etc, and often once she's either seen you like that or even thought of you like that she will NEVER forget it, that can potentially kill any feelings of lust or love she could ever have for you again, in an instant), it can be a deal breaker; if you change what attracted her sexually to you to something that turns her off, that can be the end of her sexual desire for you. And once that's gone, the love she felt can often follow. Once that's gone too, she will try to find someone else to provide the feeling that you no longer inspire in her. And once she starts feeling passion for someone else, replacing what she felt for you, you're essentially history.

[SamanthaToday]

Dont sugar coat it Sometimes_miss...:)

Alma, the only thing I can say is, listen to her concerns.

"Are you Gay?".. answer this honestly.

"Are you using her".. assure her this isnt the case.

"Why you wanted her to go on vacation alone".. Most likely so you could be home and express yourself.What ever the reason, tell her.

"Do you want to be a woman?" ... answer this

These are all powerful questions from her, its not enough to just No to them, give detail.

It might be hard to believe but the positive is you left a trail of bread crumbs to this, so even though its a shock, She can at least see the signs.

Ask her for a time out, and suggest that you 2 keep this to yourselves until you figure out where you stand.

She might have already told a close confidant, but if She hasnt then maybe She can hold off.

Who knows maybe She will surprise you.

Read this article if you havent already.

http://avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

If it applies to you , have her read it when She is ready.

I dont remember the member here who first posted this , but its very good in explaining why we do what we do and who we are.

My wife learned quite a bit from it.


Good luck

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Ohhhh, suggesting that SHE's the problem will NOT go over well.

Not what I meant at all.

The point is that you haven't actually done anything bad or intrinsically wrong- her reaction is entirely her own doing, and you are not responsible for her feelings. You can respect her feelings, you can try to help her through what is a very difficult time for her, but you are not responsible for her feelings.

Your feelings are as important as hers, aren't they? What else is marriage about?

The snag is that crossdressing, unlike a secret passion for bagpipe music, carries associations of deviance and homosexuality, for those of a conservative nature. It frightens them because they don't understand it. They think they understand it, but they're simply reacting as they've been conditioned to react, by pulling up the drawbridge and going on the defensive. 'Oh poor little me, I've been betrayed - mother was right - I should have married Larry the linebacker.'

But this forum is full of military and jocks, men who were schooled to repress their feminine sides, taught to be ashamed of themselves for daring to have feelings, for wanting to play princesses instead of princes. For every ex-marine on this forum I'm willing to bet there are a dozen living in misery, afraid to express what's bottled up inside them, and society keeps rolling them off the line, chug-chug-chug.

It makes me angry that feminism gets so much publicity, while most women still can't bear the thought of a man wearing a dress. It's hypocrisy. We have every right to wear whatever we like, just as women can do.

The fact that your wife can't see that, while tragic, says far more about how she was raised than it does about you.

Be yourself. Be kind to her, but don't cast yourself in the role of villain.

[Joanne108]

My wife found out about my hobby about after we were dating. We've been married about 28 years so I guess there is hope! Hang in there!

[Maria in heels]

its not being stupid at all....it happens, and now that it has just please give her some space to see where its going to be good. It can be bad, and sorry to hear that it happened unplanned

[Aunt Kelly]

I love her, but I'm not what she thougth I was................
No, sweetie. You're not. You are more than what she thought you were.
While you are guilty of a deception, you have not stopped being who you are. All the things about you that endeared you do your SO are still part of you, are they not?
The very first thing you should do is take ownership of that deception. Let her know that you now realize how wrong it was for you to hide that from her. Hopefully, she will realize that you are still you and that the only thing that has changed is that she now knows much more about you than she did last week. Yes, that's asking a lot, so take Sallee's advice and seek qualified counseling for you and your SO. That counseling should focus on two things, her coming to understand your TG nature, and much more importantly, finding a way for your relationship to move past the deception. Those are two separate things and believe it or not, it will be the latter that will be the more difficult to accomplish.

Best of luck to you.

Hugs,


Kelly

[almalove]

Thank you for all the suport, it helps to carry on, we're taking some, well, she is asking and I'm trying to answer all the question, many of the things I have done in the past were question, she cant beleave I like to dress as a girl, may not be able to stay and see me the same, I'll let you know how it goes, may be there is some hope, we are seing a marriage counselor, for about two years, she knew about my CDing but didnt say anything before, gor now she is helping us to keep it togeher,

[SamanthaToday]

That sounds promising, there is always hope.

Biggest thing is for everyone to take a breather.

Do something normal(her normal) until you see a therapist.

Do a reset until your wife can see this part of you isnt a threat, but dont give this part of you up in the deal.

Good luck some more.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Thanks for the update Alma. Keep letting us know how you're doing.

[cdsamswife]

Wishing you all the Best..... as the spouse of a CD I would say... give her some time.. the shock at first will throw your wife's emotions for a huge turmoil.... I know when I first found out ... my immediate reaction was also.. "how do I live with someome that has kept secrets from me for so long?" It takes a while for commom sense to jump in and for us to evaluate the situation in a non-judgemental manner.....I hope for your sake she makes the decision to stay with you and to support you... All I can say is.... stay honest now... and good luck!

[amandagurl2014]

The fact that she knew for two years and stayed with you is very promising. Hang in there and be patient with her.

[Lacey CD]

Amanda. I think she meant her therapist knew for 2 years, not her wife.

[docrobbysherry]

Alma, just make her understand u love her and want to remain together. If she feels the same, u can get by this!:thumbsup:

If she doesn't, there's not much u or the therapist can do!:straightface:

[almalove]

well its been several days now, its almost looks like it will be Ok, but then there is that moment, when she will just stop and just stare at me, then withdraw and stay away for sometime, she said that she just cant picture me in makeup and dressed, (she did asked and i admitted that I have used make up clothes and shoes, even a wig) I feel like she is trying to picture what I would look like, then, just ask why do I want to do it??????? along with all the doubts about if I'm gay or want to be a woman, I don't know if she cant get past that image, then she asks what do I do when dress, even if I had a name, putting all that together she can only come to the conclusion that I must want to be a woman, and the best would be to let me be and do what I want to be happy, she asked if I had taken any pictures, I just could not tell her so, and its eating inside, I just don't know how muck she can take about me and Alma, i used to look at her as she dressed and now she questions why? am envious of her? do I want to be her? do I want to have breast? and many more questions, at this point Im just waiting, for now we are together one more day.

[Stephanie Julianna]

Everything you just said your wife is questioning, my wife has and is always questioning, and she has known for over 50 years! Some women just do not understand our need to present as female on ocassion. But then, do any of us truly know why either? I do believ that this is probably the time to come clean on everything, even the pics, since I am not sure it can get worse and she deserves honest answers and will make a decision to leave or stay based on what she knows now. I do hope for you both that she realizes that dressing does not change your love for her. Mine is greater for my wife knowing how hard it is for her to accept this part of me and yet she stays with me and loves me even though she admits she just cannot inderstand the need I have. For many this is the ultimate test of a marriage and the lucky ones like me and my wife survive and some don't. I hope with all my heart yours is the former but base the future on truths now instead of half truths. Move forward with honesty and that includes admitting that even you do not have all the answers to some of her questions.

[5150 Girl]

Sooner or later it happens to all of us. This is why I always say full disclosure before the relationship gets to serious. It's easier to break things off before there is to much emotional attachment if the partner can't handle it/

[Debs]

ok, worst over, its out, deep breath, face it head on, talk, you have nothing to be ashamed of, its part of you and always will be

[Alice B]

Two time proven sayings come to mind. "There is nothing to fear, but fear itself" and "Time heals all wounds". I believe that things are not as bad as they seem at first and if your marriage is strong things will work out in time. You need to let her vent and then sit down and have the honest talk, letting her know that your desire to dress is not a threat.

[char GG]

Alma,
Sorry you and your wife are going through this, Others have said to give it some time. That is great advice! The discovery has not happened very long ago for your wife.

My husband started dressing late in life. I knew from the beginning but it was still hard for me to see my masculine husband working so hard to look like a girl. It took a long time for me to get comfortable. You are starting from ground zero with her. Plus you have the issue of having hidden CDing from her. So, when I suggest to give her time, I don’t mean weeks but months.

Let her know how much you love her. Don’t clam up now. Talk a lot! Be the man she married and let her know that dressing isn’t a threat to her (if all that is true). If possible, make sure there is something in it for her, not just you (maybe dinner/dancing/shopping, if she enjoys those kind of things). Just include her, don’t let her flounder on her own about it or she may think the worst.

I wish you both all the happiness.

[Teri Ray]

Alma,

First know that you are not alone in this. The great folks here are a serious ally. Many of us have traveled your path. Nobody can provide you the right answer for your situation except you and your wife. I will only relate my experience. When I was caught I felt as though it would end our marriage. I was wrong. But feeling ill I mustered the courage to finally confess all to my wife and answered her questions openly and honestly (her questions were very similar to the ones your wife, and most wives ask). It was not comfortable nor easy. In retrospect being open and honest was the right choice for both of us. I finally came to the conclusion that if my wife and I had a good relationship before she found out about my dressing desire we could maintain that relationship after she found out. It was not easy to reconcile but now I believe that our dressing desire does not change our character. If we are good people we remain good people no matter who knows about our desire. Best wishes to you and your wife. Open, honest discussion is always good.