She Said Ok, Maybe She Doesn't Care Anymore

[Julie MA]

A year and a half after coming out CD to my wife, after tears, anger, and virtually no acceptance, and no dressing for a year, she said she was ok with me going out this weekend while on travel. Relief, encouragement?, acceptance?, understanding? perhaps... Then I thought, well maybe she doesn't care about CD, because she doesn't care about me. Feels awful. I'll talk to her about it.

[Krea]

You're right that it's a good idea to talk to your wife about this.
There could be different reasons for her change of stance, good or bad, but you will not be able to enjoy this new freedom unless you understand why there has been a change.
Maybe she feels less worried about you being seen by people who know her if it's while you're away somewhere.
Good luck. :)

[Di]

Is she acting different than before she knew? Or are you making it a thing where there isnt?
Sometimes its not as important to her as it is you.
Anyways hope everything is ok.

[paulaprimo]

on the other hand, maybe she loves you that much and see's how important
that is to you and just wants to make you happy. do talk with her.
wishing you the very best... :)

[Julie MA]

Just spoke with her and it's exactly as you said Paula. She wants me to be happy, but worries about shenanigans it might entail, and any impact on our family. Feeling better now. She does care.

[paulaprimo]

that's fantastic!!! sooooooo very happy for you!!
and i'm sure a big load off of you're mind... :)

[Tracii G]

What shenanigans is she thinking of?

[Stephanie47]

I looked at your introduction post. You've been married with kids for a long time before the reveal. Obviously your reveal leaves her wondering like most women, "Who did I marry?" I think the vast majority of wives who have zero knowledge of their husbands' hidden selves are floored by this knowledge. There is shock. There is a lack of knowledge. Transgender issues are usually not in the forefront of her everyday lives until the husband's self smacks her in the face. I can only assume her mind swirled with conflicting thoughts. Thought about her marriage. About divorce. About the kids. You have three young kids.

My wife went through the angst. The rage. The "had I known I would not have married you." After she calmed down she did tell me it was alright if I wanted to join a support group. She wants nothing to do with it. It's DADT..deep DADT for the last thirty plus years. Your wife may be resigned to the fact she can do nothing about it. She may love the "you" who attracted her in the first place, and, ignore this little 'quirk.' Or, she may feel her love has diminished somewhat because this is a material fact brought into a marriage. You should be able to assess how your wife has reacted to you since the reveal. Has she changed her behavior? Is there now a lack of intimacy? Instead of living together as husband and wife are you coexisting together as brother and sister?

You should communicate with her.

PS: I must have been keyboarding while you posted your last update. However, I'll leave my comment because I think it is pertinent for anyone in this situation.

[Jenny22]

A year without dressing? And, did your wife actually know that? What might have transpired during that year relative to CDing that might have caused her feelings to soften?

[Teresa]

Julie,
It might help if you explain where your outing is intended , perhaps we might get a clearer idea of why she made that comment .

I hate to say it but don't assume she doesn't care because she does , it's the worse thing about DADT , the goalposts keep moving , eventually I didn't know where I stood from one day to the next .

You also may find that if it's a social group you will want more but being out always results with that problem anyway , it's what lead to my separartion , the gaps in the outings were just too great to live with .

[Bobbi46]

Julie,
You need to talk some more, explain to her that there no shenanigans or strange goings on, assure her that you are still the same person that she married but that there is a side of you that needs to come out and be accepted and not shunned or criticised, also state firmly that you are you are not looking over the other side of the fence and that your place is with her but that your femininity is a part of you, never to go away but at the same time never to get in the way of what you have between the two of you.

[Gillian Gigs]

Obviously your reveal leaves her wondering like most women, "Who did I marry?" I think the vast majority of wives who have zero knowledge of their husbands' hidden selves are floored by this knowledge.

We all like to think that we know somebody, but do we really know them! Husbands and wives are possibly one of the few cases where we know the most about the other person. To improve knowing some one we all need to communicate...lots and lots! We all have secrets, whether they are little, or big, we all have them. The real question is, how much damage they cause when they come out into the open. Again communication is what helps to reduce any damage done.

My wife knows that I like to dress in certain clothes, that it is stress relieving, and enjoyable for me. At the same time I know that she doesn't feel comfortable with me going out in a skirt and heels, so I don't. Communication has helped us find a win-win situation.

[Beverley Sims]

Keep talking and show that you care for her as well.

[GracieRose]

Julie,
When you are confused about her motives, keep the lines of communication open.
In general, keep the lines of communication open.
My wife's greatest fear is that someone that we know will find out.
Perhaps your wife accepts you going out while travelling because of the very low probability of being recognized by someone who knows you.

[sometimes_miss]

Could be the calm before the storm. My wife sort of stopped any complaining for a few months; I thought she was coming around to accepting me, but in reality she was just preparing for the divorce.
Be ready for anything. You could come home from your trip to find the locks change, bank accounts emptied, and be served with divorce papers. Really vindictive wives have also cancelled their CD husband's credit cards, even had the car repossessed, outed their husband to friends and coworkers or even publicly (and with today's social media, that will spread instantly), and some even made up abuse tales to get a restraining order on him.

Be ready for the worst possible outcome. Make sure you have some cash on hand, especially if you don't have any friends who are okay with your crossdressing habits. Otherwise you could wind up living in your car, or worse. Sure, it doesn't always happen this way, but it has, and will happen again, to someone. Just hope and plan that it isn't you.

[DaisyLawrence]

I'm with Lexi. For some reason I fear the worst. It's like let you have some fun and then use it as the grounds for a divorce so she looks like the victim and it's all your fault. Don't know why I think this but it's just a vibe I'm getting for some reason. Sorry.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'd probably have reacted just as you did Julie, so it's great to read your 2nd post. SO easy to think the worst.

Good lesson for us all, in every realm of our lives.

[Julie MA]

Some scary posts, but a divorce is the last thing she wants. In fact it's her biggest fear that CD might hurt our family. So now she has been more supportive and caring than ever on this. And I told her how much that meant. After a year of feeling like we were farther apart than ever, and being with someone who seemed to think I was a freak, this has been really incredible. Went out last night and felt free and confident, knowing that she knew I was out, and supported it, on some level. And with her support I'm reaching new levels of understanding of myself, my femininity, how to express it, and what I need from it. Real growth for me and for our relationship.

[Samm]

That's great news, Julie! (I had wondered where you had disappeared to for all these months.) Now you can put those anxious feelings behind you. The way I see it, this is a wonderful opportunity for both you, and your wife. You can now move forward together.
I have always looked at this part of me, not as a lifestyle choice, but more of a journey. It's been a learning experience for both of us. Granted, she has her limits, but that's fine by me.

[CrossKimmy]

That is truly fantastic to hear. I would imagine apathy being far worse than resentment.

[Julie MA]

It keeps getting better. And I keep adding to this post to show others, there is hope with your SO even if it doesn't go so well at first.

Upon my return home we discussed my two outings while away. This was well received and she's now ok with me getting out more frequently. What a change a year makes. She still isn't ready to see me dressed or joining me. I joked with her that our situation is Always Tell, Don't Show (ATDS). ;)