Yup this explains me

[jeniinnylons]

Found this the other day and it may not explain everyone here but for sure it explains me.

http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Transvestic-fetishism.html

[Tracii G]

Does not describe me at all.
No sexual attraction to me and I don't find having sex with animals an appealing idea either.
I have no fetishes so this does not include me.

[jeniinnylons]

I don’t think you read it properly or you didn’t understand it. It is a Paraphilia. The animal part you’re mentioning is a different Paraphilia not this one.

[Micki_Finn]

Nope. And you should never ever ever self diagnose, especially if you’re not a trained professional. The average person could read the DSM and find at least 5 mental disorders that they “have”.

[kimdl93]

ten-reasons-why-the-transvestic-fetishism-diagnosis-in-the-dsm-5-has-got-to-go (https://gidreform.wordpress.com/2010/10/16/ten-reasons-why-the-transvestic-fetishism-diagnosis-in-the-dsm-5-has-got-to-go/)

I don't particularly appreciate being labeled with a disorder...but at least the appropriateness of these diagnoses is being challenged.

[Teresa]

I don't have a problem if you feel it explains you, we all have to start somewhere , in time you may find it was just a phase you were going through many of us have been there and passed through it. All these labels are fine but does it help day to day, if you read them often enough maybe you can persuade yourself to believe it does fit, then you discover another theory and then confusion sets in .

In the end the sensible thing to do is write down your whole history from the start , how it started where you are now and where you feel you would like to be in the future , no BS, be honest with yourself . Now compare that with some of these ideas and possibly compare your story with others on the forum , are you really that different , or do you want to appear to be different ? Eventually most of these ideas pass by and you finally reach a balance , that's when you find contentment and truly start to enjoy your CDing needs . CDing is often about hitting the "HIGHS" we often want more , but it does pass .

[Tracii G]

No I read it correctly and I am none of those things that were mentioned in that "opinion" piece.
I do not have a transvestic fetish so don't attempt to lump me into some group that has a mental disorder.
If you think having a mental disorder is "cool" or you like to shock people then fine do your own thing.
I wear the clothes because thats what I feel I should be wearing.
I may be male by birth but thats where it ends.

[Elizabeth G]

This certainly does NOT describe me.

[Stephanie Julianna]

I was interested in wanting to live and dress as a girl way before I had any sexual arousal from doing it. I have always questioned why I could not pursue the feminine art of enhancing my looks with clothes and cosmetics like girls got to do. I always preferred being with girls and playing their games. I lived on a street on Long Island where almost all the kids my age were girls. I grew up in the '50's and I was King of the hop scotch set. No GG could beat me. I loved being with them and was so jealous when we went to Sunday Mass and they got to wear pretty dresses and I was stuck in the same slacks, white shirt and tie every week. It was never initiated by sex and even now that is not the motivation. I do think the sex part can be a nice side bene.

[gillathome]

the entire website seems to be taken from other sites, including wikis, so who knows what nonsense it contains. anyone that says 'most experts agree' without giving a specific source should just be ignored...

[docrobbysherry]

Most of this is very old T psych theory. Some may apply to u, much probably won't. More modern psych theories allow much more deviance than these ancient ones.:sad:

Hopefully, Reina, Pat, or another T psych expert here will chime in?:thumbsup:

[sometimes_miss]

Nope, me neither. I like dressing up as a girl and I like sex, but the clothes and dressing up don't cause sexual excitement. The confusion for me came because when I reached puberty, like most boys, I was horny all the time, so becoming aroused while dressed as a girl screwed up my thinking about it. What I forgot, is that I also got aroused while in math class, on the bus, pretty much anywhere. Didn't take much, either. The slight scent of a girl's perfume, the sight of a pretty woman, that's all it took.

[MarinaTwelve200]

Cross Dressing has SEVERAL DIFFERENT, and often unrelated causes. You just cannot pick one cause out of a book and have it apply in all cases----The only thing we have in common is the propensity to dress in clothing of the opposite sex.----Some people just "like the feel" of the fabric, Some people have clothing fetishes, some of us are into "humiliation S/M", some of us "get off on "risk taking" or violating personal or social "taboos" Some of us want to "escape" from our selves and identity, and for others we IDENTIFY with the opposite sex.----And there are other reasons too. Many of us have several reasons.

[paulaprimo]

it didn't explain me either, but was very interesting.
i really lost interest when i got to "treaments"??? :D

[mykell]

that is a bogus site it has no accreditation to any of the science or fact based bodies available or references to them.

it may describe you but it is not a flaw....it may have been a stop on some journeys here but it is not the final destination.

their use of "deviant behavior" bothered me. in truth masturbation however dressed is just that, to me a normal sex act.

cheap sin : http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2pu0lv

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masturbation

[franlee]

I have to agree with this being my basic definition. And that's alright as far as I know there is no requirements for being a CD'er.

[Karen's Secret]

If I were to ask for a diagnosis from a mental health professional they most certainly would diagnose me as Transvestic Disorder with Autogynephilia per the DSM-5. I'm not making a judgement on whether it's right or wrong to for me to be diagnosed with a mental illness, I just saying that going by the book that would be my diagnosis.

[Becky Blue]

Just because you read it on a website does not make it true, the 'article' was written more than 7 years ago as it has comments dating to 2011..

[Sashauk]

Not me either!
Whilst it may well have been sexual many years ago it definitely is not now. I have no idea why I like wearing clothes traditionally associated with the female gender - perhaps it is the pretty colours, the lace and the freedom of a skirt - but all I do know is that I feel far more comfortable in them than I do in male clothing. So in my mind that's not a fetish it's just the way I am.

[Helen_Highwater]

Jeni,

As Becky points out this description was written 7 years ago. To be honest when I started to read it my first reaction was it had been written in the 50's.

I certainly don't consider myself to have a disorder. That implies a cure. Plus the notion that we're lumped together with pedophiles shows just how little understanding the author has.

I don't support book burning but that's one volume I'd gladly put on the pyre.

[kimdl93]

I’m also curious about the provenance of this website. It oddly lacks any information about the individual or organization that compiled the ‘encyclopedia of mental disorders”

[Sheren Kelly]

If compulsive crossdressing interferes with other everyday activities and relationships, then you may have a paraphellia. Some of the pictures/posts on this site convince me that for some, dressing is a fetish. For others it is much more of an identity and gender issue.

Like my sis Stephanie Juliana, my earliest feelings of dysphoria were long before puberty and were in reaction to being excluded from girls only activities. I felt it unfair that I couldn't share in the experiences most girls had, and had to pursue typical boys activities if I wanted to get affirmation from my parents and peers. The sexual component came long after and was likely a means to find love and comfort from within myself.

When the insecure look upon the unique, their impulse is to say that those who differ are abnormal. Back before DSM V, Crossdressing was classified as Transvestic Fetishism and was defined by the majority cis-hetero normative establishment. What the professionals now recognize is that trans people live full and productive lives when free to express their unique gender, thus removing it as a "disorder" and classifying it as a "condition".
Mae West had a quote about monogamy which I will alter for this subject:

Being Cis-gender isn't normal, it is just common....

[Queen Bridget]

Being Cis-gender isn't normal, it is just common....

Actually, it is :P The dictionary definition of Normal is "usual, typical, or expected". Which is exactly what being "Cis-gendered" is.

EDIT: Have been informed that the post was in jest. I apologise for misinterpreting it.

[Karen's Secret]

The article accurately restates the current definition of Transvestic Fetishism disorder as found in the DSM-5 manual. It's irrelevant that the article is 7 years old because it is the current published definition of what the official manual for psych doctors considers a mental illness. That being said many people, including psych doctors, disagree with the diagnosis. I'm only pointing this out because people understand that it is, in fact, currently the official position of the DSM.

[Gillian Gigs]

I wouldn't spent too much time over thinking this. Societies all over the world like to put people into boxes, with pretty labels on the fronts, you don't have to join in if you don't want to. If there is one thing I have learned on this site, it is that there are as many different reasons for CD'ing as there are people on this site. Masturbation gets a bad rap in western culture, they say that 98% of men do it and the other 2% are lying about doing it! It's probably the same with women. Someone once said, "think about what you are thinking about", if we all did that there would probably be less OCD out there. A fetish can be harmless, but it can also become an obsession, what it becomes has to do with what you spent all your time thinking about.

Something I learned about dieting is that if you continually deny yourself of that one thing, it will end up with you having a complete blow out and the end result is worse than if you just gave yourself that small indulgence to begin with. In dieting what is better, give yourself a small ice cream cone occasionally, than having a pig out on the gallon tub! There is nothing wrong with having a treat, we just don't survive on treats. Are you controlling it, or is it controlling you.

[Taylor186]

The article accurately restates the current definition of Transvestic Fetishism disorder as found in the DSM-5 manual.

The article quotes the DSM-4 (originally published in 1994) which is 24 years old and has been superseded by the DSM-5 released in 2013. The DSM-5 references Transvestic Disorder and has no reference whatsoever to Transvestic Fetishism Disorder. The American Psychiatric Association thinking has evolved.

[Pumped]

Probably 75% of the time my dressing ends in pleasure, self inflicted or with help from my wife. My dressing started with it at 100% but has tapered off a bit and now I will dress just to dress sometimes too.

I gotta love my wife. We went out of town for the weekend, spent three nights in a motel. She suggested bringing clothing and more importantly to me, high heels so we could dress for a little fun time at the motel. It was a good weekend. Slept the night in stocking, garters and heels while cuddling with my wife.

[Beverley Sims]

Jeni,

Read the article again and take a close look at it and I think you will find there are subtle and important differences.

You may be a fetishist in clothing but not everything else.

No, I have never considered myself like this but a quick assumption had me saying I was a fetishist for about a week years ago. :-)

[Alice B]

It is an interesting read. Some of the descriptions are dead acurate for me, while other parts are off the mark. I seriously doubt that there is or ever will be a description that can or will ever fit us all.

[ReineD]

I think there are/have been many members here who dress for sexual reasons, even if the act of dressing does not result in sexual gratification each time. I also believe it is false to claim that everyone who presents as a woman does so for no other reason than having innate gender issues.

That said, I object to calling it a paraphilia. This puts a negative spin on it, as in "OMG, look at what that pervert is doing".

Human sexuality is varied with all sorts of nuances and preferences. So I think of dressing for sexual reasons as merely an expression of someone's sexual preference. It's all a part of the human sexuality bell curve.

[MarinaTwelve200]

Just because somethin is old is no reason to dismiss it---In the day, people were more likely to "call a space a spade" and not be hung up in avoiding "offending" someone or sucking up to them for political gain. My point is to go with what seems to most coincide with our observations and not worry about how old the info is or to favor new material that might be "manipulative". Of course, the early 20th century stuff is often tainted by ignorance and false morality, while the new is corrupted with "political Correctness"-----but WE know CD from the inside out. and the most reliable info is likely from the 80s and 90s when a lot was known and we haven had our Science polluted by PC yet.

[Karen's Secret]

The article quotes the DSM-4 (originally published in 1994) which is 24 years old and has been superseded by the DSM-5 released in 2013. The DSM-5 references Transvestic Disorder and has no reference whatsoever to Transvestic Fetishism Disorder. The American Psychiatric Association thinking has evolved.

I think it's a distinction without a difference. The DSM-5 does use the term Transvestic Disorder but then lists "with fetishism" and "with autogynephilia" as specifications to go along with the diagnosis. I don't think the thinking has changed in any significant manner, at least in terms of the diagnostic criteria. Perhaps my point is being lost. I'm not making a judgement or value statement on the diagnosis, I'm simply pointing out that it exists as the current standard and the article the original poster linked to is accurate in how it characterizes the current official diagnosis criteria.

[Asew]

Part of this fits me but overall I am not sure if this fits me. My wife says I have a fetish for the clothes (skirts, dresses and heels) since I enjoy them regardless of if I wear them or if my wife wears them. But through this I discovered I love wearing skirts as my comfortable lounging around the house clothes. So now my dressing has 2 sides, a comfort mode and a sexual mode.

[Sallee]

Yea I can see why I fit in this description I take issue with some of it.
Dressing isn't necessary for sexual gratification and I really don't like them (whoever them is) saying it is a mental disorder. But it certainly can cause mental anguish if you let it. Obsession, Definitively they got that one right.
I kind of like to think of it as FUN It is harmless, It doesn't hurt anyone else, but it is up to yourself to get over any angst the we have about it.
Mostly have fun with it and keep it in perspective with the rest of your life.

[Nikki.]

The chair of the dsm 5 working group for paraphilias was none other than ray blanchard, the father of autogynephilia, gatekeeper at the clarke institute in toronto. In a nutshell, according to blanchard, transsexuals fell into 2 categories: early transitioners who were essentially gay men who transition to have sex with straight men, and late transitioners who were in love with and sexually attracted to the idea of themselves as women. Blanchard et al would not refer to TS women as women, and yet he is the authority?

Julia Serrano does an excellent(though a bit lengthy and dry) critique in her book Whipping Girl. Andrea James of TS Roadmap has another. If you’re TG or TS female expressive and have any interest in feminism, Whipping Girl is worth buying and reading.

Suffice it to say, with additional background on the history and background of cross gender research in North America, the sexologists that positioned themselves in positions of power to influence the medical and psych institutions(not buildings!) had tons of bias.

So no thanks to transvestistic fetishism and autogynephelia as paraphilias or diagnosis.

[Taylor186]

The notion that mental health science stopped moving forward last century is laughable. We have better information, better diagnostic tools, better peer reviews, better everything than a generation ago. Mental health science (or any science) may not always move forward in a straight line but rest assured has moved forward in the last 20-25 years. As for being to Politically Correct read Nikki's statement above. Ray Blanchard is anything but Politically Correct. Oh yeah, his much derided autogynephilia theory (by transitioners among others) came about in the 80s and 90s.



I think it's a distinction without a difference.

It is a distinction with a huge difference for me as a crossdresser.

[IleneD]

What the professionals now recognize is that trans people live full and productive lives when free to express their unique gender, thus removing it as a "disorder" and classifying it as a "condition"..

Sher,

Love that sentence. It says so much. Great post on the thread.

I am becoming so comfortable about openly expressing my femme self. The freedom alone brings joy and an inner self-satisfaction I probably haven't known since getting "winged". (LOL)

[Teresa]

Nikki,
Some of this early thinking turned out to be the starting point for others to follow, some of it was a little hard to swallow some of it badly researched but at it's core was the building block for others to work on improve and on occasions discredit . Whether you like it or not paraphilias exist , the good thing to come out of it is now it's not considered a mental disorder , to some of us it's what makes us tick , how some like me were influenced at the start of my CDing issues at the age of 8-9 . I knew AGP was at my core but instead of ruling it out I asked more questions and contacted the ones who have continued the work and brought it up to date . Not all this gets onto the internet sadly most of the early stuff comes up and does more damage also the comments from the outspoken critics are based on the early work .

More recent work is associated far more with the TG community and not TSs which is where Blanchard made his mistakes but I accept I do fall into your description of being attracted or love myself as a woman which is what AGP translates as . Now I know I can deal with it , I'm not ashamed to admit it , the important point is it doesn't rule my life anymore , the gut feeling has gone after decades of gnawing at me . I also accept many issues drive my CDing not one single one and this is just part of what drives my needs . I don't consider myself a sexual deviant but do admit I still have a sexual component .

[IleneD]

Nikki,

Sounds like you're a bit negative on Mr Blanchard.
I've read up on some of his autogynophilia treatise in articles, some via Helen Boyd's books, etc. I can identify with Blanchard's premise per late transitioners that are attracted to the CONCEPT OF THEMSELVES AS A WOMAN. Part of me is and always has been wildly absorbed by the idea. Yes, I want that.
However, the more I read of Blanchard the more it goes in the general direction of describing CD as a masturbatory disorder as a means of falling in love with one's self. In effect, the CD is only making love to himself. I don't buy into that. I believe my femme identity and subsequent feelings (about dressing) run far deeper than that and mere sex. In fact, sex and sexual gratification, real or fantasy, is very much NOT apart of my current experience.

I accept some of Blanchard, but with a grain of salt. Thanks for the recommendation one Serrano's book. I certainly shall get it.

[Nikki.]

Yes, you’ve mentioned this before. It might be worth your time to read a well researched, reasoned and articulate pov, critical of agp. Ms. Serano has a phd in molecular biophysics and biochemistry from Columbia and worked at UC Berkeley. She does a much better job deconstructing agp than I ever could. And rather than having built her academic career around stigmatizing the sexuality of lgbt people, she’s looked at it from the pov of a scientist and transexual.

what do you have to lose but some time and £10? And maybe the belief you have a “location target error” in “forming a pair bond” with the idea of yourself as a woman rather than another person.

Edit: That was directed to Teresa.

[Teresa]

Nikki,
Like I said it's not the whole story it integrates with other needs. Again I'm sorry but you should not be telling other people what is in their heads and what makes them tick , besides right or wrong to other people it has helped me come to terms with my own situation and that is the important point . I told my story some time ago in the TS section . I've now given up on looking for a match, all I get are comments similar to yours , I've just learned to live with it and move on .

Again I'm going to repeat the good and bad sides of AGP have been debated on the internet , so much of it is old stuff and I do accept Blanchard made some mistakes, but also Ms. Serano had done the same thing so you pay your money and take your choice , she has not deconstructured it she has given her views on it , I choose to go with the people I have been in touch with and I've been in personal touch with them have you done the same ? I think not !

Ilene,
That is one of the big mistakes the majority thinks it revolves around the sexual element , while I do find it an irritating inconvenience at times it's only part of the picture , I'm prepared to give more information in a PM because I'm not prepared to reveal the names of professionals I've been in contact with and have their professional reputation dragged through the mud on this site .

[Nikki.]

Where did I tell you or anyone else what is in their or your head? I don’t care at all what you choose to believe about yourself and AGP. Revel in your autogenephelia! Buy the “AGP is the choice for me!” t-shirt! Maybe a matching hat!

I’m simply offering an alternative point of view I’ve discovered and should be mentioned in discussions about AGP.

[Teresa]

Nikki,
I don't revel in it the important point is I've come to terms with , OK it's alernative point of view so each to their own . I'm happy and comfortable with my situation no matter what label is attched to my Tshirt .

[Pat]

Just a warning from a moderator...

Teresa understands her gender experience through a lens of AGP. She has done for years and if you've been reading here for any amount of time you'd know it. Other people don't accept AGP and most have a knee-jerk reaction to Blanchard just like when the villain comes on stage. On this forum, I've never see opinions on these topics change through discussion though I have seen discussions go out of control when these topics are in play.

This thread opened with someone declaring they are a fetishistic crossdresser. Some people understand themselves that way. Some start out understanding themselves that way and over time change their opinion based on reading the stories of others and examining their experience through those stories. Discussion is good. Telling your truth is good. Telling others what THEIR truth is or ought to be is not good.

Let's agree to disagree. Respect Teresa and she'll respect you and this thread will stay open.

[Alice Torn]

I found out that my dad never wanted sons, only daughters. My older sister was the first born, and after that came my older twin brothers, the four yrs later, came me, unwanted. My dad tried to get an uncle to adapt me, even! I think that is one reason i started dressing. I have come to realize that i am a lot like Teresa, with AGP. I am crazy about the lady (me), i see in the mirror. I just cannot let myself be ruled by Pink Fog, so much, tha t my whole life is absorbed with it, to the point, of total obsession, and out of balance, and unmanagable, . The article described me some, but some not.

[Isabella Ross]

There is something to be gleaned from the site, but of course the information is packaged in a way that offends those of us who see ourselves as normal. As always, I will try to inject Jack Molay's thoughtful, respectful and enlightening musings on transgenderism into the discussion: http://www.crossdreamers.com/

[LilSissyStevie]

The title of this thread says it all for me. The reason I embarked on this journey of self discovery was to find that thing where I could say "Yup this explains me." Along the way I stumbled into a few blind alleys looking for the Unified Theory of Transgender. I didn't find it. One may exist but I realized that I don't care about that. My quest is entirely selfish. I looked into transvestic fetishism and it seemed to explain certain aspects of my CDing but ultimately it was not the clothes or wearing them that exites me. It's not wrong, it's just incomplete. The same with autogynephilia - AGP sort of gets it right in my case but not quite. I'm aroused by the thought of myself as a woman but it's more about "femininity" than being a woman, per se. To be more accurate, it's about emasculation. I have other problems with applying AGP to myself such as the erotic target location error (ETLE) idea which posits that I'm attracted to myself as a woman. I don't doubt that such a thing exists but it's not accurate in my case. I'm not hot for myself. I looked into what I call the "feminine essence" theory espoused by folks such as Julie Serrano and Jack Molay. They would have me believe that my fetish is the distorted expression of my suppressed female sexuality, that I live somewhere along the transgender spectrum and need to accept my true identity, blah, blah. But I looked deep within myself and couldn't find any inner woman there. I couldn't find any female identity hidden in the deep recesses of my unconscious mind waiting to be discovered. It was just a delusion that fed the monster. All I ever found was what Anne Lawrence called a "man trapped in a man's body."

The idea that I think best explains me is Masochistic Emasculation Fetish (MEF.) You won't find MEF in the DSM. MEF doesn't flatter my ego the way that feminine essence theory would and it is more accurate for me than TF or AGP. But I was never in this to feel good about myself. I just want to know the truth. MEF is arousal by association to symbols of emasculation (like wearing woman's clothing or imagining being a woman.) It is most likely the imprinted sexualization of childhood emasculation trauma/anxiety. I don't see it as a Universal Theory of Transgender. Like I said before, I don't care about that. What matters is that it explains ME and now I can get on with my life. The most difficult part of MEF to wrap my head around was the idea of masochism. Masochism is the enjoyment of pain. Right? But crossdressing and all the associated fantasies and activities were intensely enjoyable to me, anything but painful. How could that be masochism? What I came to understand is that masochism is not the enjoyment of pain but rather the psychological substitution of pain with pleasure. It is way of coping with pain, trauma, anxiety. It may not be the best way of coping but it is fairly common. A good example of a masochistic fetish that's a bit more obvious is small penis humiliation (SPH). Anxiety about penis size is very common among males. SPH is a way of acting out the thing one dreads and provides temporary relief from the anxiety. SPH practitioners enjoy acting out their "humiliation." It is not painful to them, except maybe afterwards when they are ashamed of themselves. Coincidentally, SPH is a common theme in TG erotica. I had plenty of emasculation trauma and anxiety to deal with as I was approaching puberty and so was well primed to develop MEF. Because sexual imprinting occurs around that time, I'm more or less stuck with it even though I have long since dealt with the issues that led to it.

That's my story and, for now, I'm sticking to it. YMMV.

[Teresa]

Dandizette,
That is the conclusion I came to , we accept what makes us tick so we can move on , at the end of the day it really doesn't matter what others think or even if all the facts are true ( I wonder if anyone ever knows that ?) The biggest influence lifetime CDers is the moment in puberty when the changes happen. in myy case an early T influx and things happening that I knew nothing about, I agree there is some trauma involved or at least in my case . I just lived with a gut feeling for most of my life not knowing what it meant or what was driving it , now I through all that . I've come to terms with , I'm now comfortable with my dressing and being out and about , that is the most impotant aspect for a CDer to beable to live day to day withe the situation and be comfortable with it . OK it can sometimes come at a price .

[Gillian Gigs]

Many of us go on journeys of self discovery, to attempt to find out why we tick the way we do. The whole CD issue is one that can either drive us crazy, or lead us to many different roads. Like Lilsissystevie I have not found the right description that truly describes who I am. Many different internet articles describe parts of me, but they still miss the boat in other areas. This journey lead me to this site and this site has been very helpful in bringing understanding, as well as self acceptance. Lilsissystevie has brought some new thoughts, some of which also describe me, and some not. Masochism can be about emotional pain, the self medication of masturbation, and its endorphin release being the ultimate goal. Then in the end the feelings of shame bring the emotional pain that sticks until the next episode. With the self rejection, an individual couldn't get out of the clothes fast enough after the deed was done. Now with self acceptance, the clothes stay on, or the clothes are there own reward. Possibly the reason we are all so different has the do with the sexual imprinting, that happened to us in our own different ways. I tend to describe it like a wagon rutted trial, the first wagon set the course and the trial ruts just got deeper with time. Now the ruts are so deep, you can't see over the top of the ruts anymore. The Masochistic Emasculation Fetish (MEF.) concept would help explain why the sissy maid fantasy is a common theme in CD fiction. It also explains why I sometimes think and act the way I do. In the end, we are all different, and we need to understand and appreciate where we all came from with acceptance and understanding.

[daviolin]

I look at this as, Daviolins my twin sister that was born in the same body as Dave. We just share our likes as one. And thats good enough for me. Daviolin

[rian]

Describing disorder to the situation is called misinformed totally about the subject ...if our case is disorder then I love it ....so what ..as long as I feel happy and loving myself while I transform then let be it .