My coming out plan to my wife...

[Victoria_Winters]

Ok! Thanks for all he advise. I have officially abondanded the original plan. After considering everyone inputs I am working on a new plan...

Step 1: Gauge her feelings on CD
Step 2: Figure our what the heck to say...
Step 3: Find the right time to talk
Step 4: Tell her...


So I have started step 1, I spoke with her about our son who she seems very supportive of. I walked about when he starts school this year what she wants to do and she said that she plans to let him dress how ever he wants. If he wants to wear pink, he can wear pink... if he wants to wear a dress then he can wear a dress.

I’m planing on talking more with her about how she feels about adults CD.

[Micki_Finn]

No. No no no no no no no. Don’t play games or be coy. None of that is going to help. Just sit her down and be honest. She’s either going to accept or she won’t and none of these distractions are going to “prime” her for your coming out.

As soon as she figures out all that other stuff was trying to manipulate her things are gonna get a lot worse.

[Tracy Irving]

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

[Aunt Kelly]

I have to agree with Micki. All of that subterfuge will be seen as manipulation and/or deception. Do not make the mistake of thinking that your spouse will never figure it out, even if your elaborate plans are successful. If you're going to come out, do it honestly.

[Victoria_Winters]

I’m just worried that coming out out right might put... an end to my marriage.

Maybe a slight revamp to the plan... at the end after everything is done come out and say it’s something I really enjoy. Instead of just just dropping it on her, gradually move towards it and then once we do the makeup tell her...

[Rayleen]

you would be better to sit with her and talk of your needs. Honesty and good communication go a long way in a relationship, I know .

Hope it works out !

[Victoria_Winters]

Still going to wait till I get the voice down, lose some weight, and learn better makeup other than just foundation and lipstick. Might as well look by best!

[Stephanie Julianna]

Sounds like a Fictionmania Story but what the heck. You know her better than us. But trust me. From my experiences wives know so much more than they let on until they spill the beans.

[April Rose]

Come out, or do not come out. But learn to communicate honestly with your wife. The innuendoes and games are not a good indicator of a lasting marriage.

[Shely]

It sounds to me like she already knows what it is you are thinkng. Just sit her down and explain the facts and desires. no gimmicks or games will ease this if it is really a surprise to her.

[Aunt Kelly]

Still going to wait till I get the voice down, lose some weight, and learn better makeup other than just foundation and lipstick. Might as well look by best!

So... the plan is to refine your presentation as much as possible, for what, maximum shock value? Your plan is to suddenly appear en femme to have the talk? No. Just no. Do whatever it is you fell you need to do to prepare, but if you're going to come out to your wife, show her the respect she deserves and let her know that there's something important that you need to share with her, and then make plans for the two of you to have enough uninterrupted private time to get through it. If she then wants to see you en femme, by all means, honor the request and put your best foot forward.

Just keep in mind that this is as much about her as it is about you. You are about to drop a bomb that will wreck most relationships. Sorry, but that is the statistical truth, but your odds are much better if you can find a way to make her understand instead being discovered years down the road.

[Dani0948]

You said

I’m just worried that coming out out right might put... an end to my marriage.

If you follow your plan this may very well happen. Please reconsider your approach. If she might end your marriage by your reveal, she'll just be more upset by your duplicity.

[docrobbysherry]

Sounds like many trans fantasy, Vicky. Finding a woman that will force them to dress up!:battingeyelashes:

Good luck with that! If not with this one? Than the next!:straightface:

[Tracy Irving]

So, your wife suggested you wear a corset, she wants to do makeup on you and she has heard you use a female voice for a role playing game. I don't know if the next logical step is her making you wear a dress or not, but it reads like you have some time to figure this out.

Everyones situation is different and I don't know yours but I'm with Aunt Kelly suggesting you find a way to make her understand. This impacts both of you. Your desire to crossdress doesn't easily dissipate but her desire to dress you up can end after one event. Then what?

[Debs]

They sure do know more than they let on, My wife was fully accepting when we first got together (I told her from day 1), but after 15 years, she knows that I still do dress, but not in front of her. She even lets me go to my Static Caravan 2-3 days a week to do it, anyway, my point is I got a new coat and hid it from her, a few weeks later she said to me have you wore your new coat yet ?.So dont get fooled they are all knowing, and the fact is that if you dress and wear makeup, they often find your stash and say nothing, or you will leave a hint of makeup on your body somewhere they will spot it, and still say nothing. So the odds are she will probably already have an incline into your secret world. It will be such a relief to tell her, it make cause a major fallout at first, and even if you get to a point of Dont ask Dont Tell (like me). At least you not tippy toeing around the subject for the rest of your life. You will get found out one day, so the faster you pull the plaster off, the quicker the pain will go away. Thats my opinion anyway.

[Victoria_Winters]

So... the plan is to refine your presentation as much as possible, for what, maximum shock value? Your plan is to suddenly appear en femme to have the talk?

That’s not the plan at all. That sounds like a horrible way to do it! I was thinking of something else!


Ok ok everyone! I get it. Bad idea.

[Rachelakld]

Not a bad idea, maybe during a session you could ask her to do as fem as possible, that might lead on to the conversation?
While I personally believe having the conversation before getting serious is best, second best is before marriage or kids arrive, pretty sure if too many years slip by, that's when it becomes a "lie"

[Sashauk]

I’m just worried that coming out out right might put... an end to my marriage.

Maybe a slight revamp to the plan... at the end after everything is done come out and say it’s something I really enjoy. Instead of just just dropping it on her, gradually move towards it and then once we do the makeup tell her...

Not sure about this plan as she may well feel, once you have come out to her about your dressing, that you were manipulating her into accepting the situation. Personally I think it would be better to sit and discuss your CD'ing desires with her before it's too late.

[Di]

Don’t play games just be real.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Victoria,, there is no best or easiest way to come out to your wife. Especially if she is not accepting of crossdressing in general.

There is only one way: sit down, in drab, and try to have aa calm discussion about it. Timing is also very important: don't choose a day when she upset because of work or dealing with your child, or when she and her BFF had a tiff. And don't do it on a special day! Her B-day, your anniversary, Xmas, etc.

There are no guarantees that she will accept it, and your fear of destroying your marriage is very, very real. Statistically, the majority of wives will reject the concept to varying degrees, up to, and including divorce.

Good luck in your decision.

[Tamsin Secret]

Hi Victoria, Just be prepared for any outcome. You have obviously done a lot of thinking about it and hopefully that included the very real risks coming out to your wife will have.

You will find your own way of doing it if it's the path you choose and their are lots of stories on here of how others experiences went including my own.

The other thing I urge you to think about is what coming out will do for you in the future. I couldn't deal with the deceit of hiding and doing things secretly any longer. What I didn't bargain on was the removal of the invisible fence that being closeted brought. My exploits and experiences were limited and as such contained. Now I have taken the biggest step ever, and even though she is not interested in being involved, those barriers are removed and I feel the urge to experience more and more everyday.

I would suggest that surviving the initial 'tell all' is actually the smallest hurdle that your (and all of us in a similar position) will have to clear.

Best of luck to you and feel free to contact via PM if you want anymore information on my story or think a different opinion would help?

Tammy:<3:

[Patricia_Campi]

Hello Victoria,

Remember one thing, while you are just playing, it is ok, but at the time you come out fully dressed and looking as a woman, thing will change and it will be no long a play thing. Questions will rise, fears will rise and you will need to have "the talk" with her.

So, in my opinion, be honest. Talk to her no matter what.

I did it with my wife. She don´t want to participate and said she does not like how I look em femme (I agree, I am not make up master, etc) but now I can at least buy my things, try make up, etc.

Not ideal? I agree, but better than before!

Kisses

Patricia

[Debs]

I just got us both drunk about the 3rd week of our relationship, and just blurted it out, she laughed at first thought I was joking, then realized I was serious, Came out with everything even to the point of showing her my stash. Over the next few years it was a novelty for her, then it wore off, but I dont have to hide anything now, even when a parcel arrives from ebay, I dont care if she opens it and its a skirt, because she knows. Its a great source of relief when your partner does know it does explain a lot to them of odd behavior you dont know you are showing with the stress of hiding your feelings/need to change.

[CarlaWestin]

Since you're determined to disclose while in some degree of feminizing activity. And I'm hearing that you think she'll just accept the bonus of having a new gal pal. Maybe a softer more ernest situation. Carry on with little hints about fun with makeup. If the activity happens, you'll feel the correct moment to say the right thing.

"I really like this"
"What? The makeup? The fact that you're sexier than me?"
"Well, yeah. That too. But' I really like it when you and I are having fun. Very intimate pure fun."
"Oh! That's just so sweet."
"Do you like me like this?"
"Yes but, I love the man I married too."
"And I certainly love the woman I married."

[GretchenJ]

No. No no no no no no no. Don’t play games or be coy. None of that is going to help. Just sit her down and be honest. She’s either going to accept or she won’t and none of these distractions are going to “prime” her for your coming out.

As soon as she figures out all that other stuff was trying to manipulate her things are gonna get a lot worse.

Let me add a couple of more No,No to this.

PLEASE listen to Micki on this, this is spot on , especially the manipulation part. If you want to sort of brace her for the discussion, you may want to wait until the next time your child is experiencing a gender transition event as an opening to begin the discussion.

good luck to you

[Stephanie47]

I definitely concur with all those saying, No! I don't understand your wife's fascination with dressing your son as a girl and be so anti CDing about adults? In a prior post you mention her dropping the name Victoria and she supposedly was referring to a Victoria Inn. All this stuff about getting a corset to slim your body, doing makeup on your face, and, so on it goes. Maybe she has had a discussion with her mother-in-law, and, she spilled the beans since you and your mother had a discussion about your childhood activities? Maybe your wife is leading you on so you'll eventually dress for her. Perhaps you should sit down and ask her why she wants you to wear a corset, do a makeup job on you, and, so on.

Women are not dumb. Dropping the name Victoria to gauge your response may be a clue she has discovered your presence on this site. I'd also be asking your wife how she intends to handle your son's desires when he goes off to kindergarten or the playground. I'd be handling this way different than you. It seems as if your wife is giving you an opportunity to come clean with your cross dressing.

[Gillian Gigs]

There are couple of things that don't add up here. You say that you are afraid of your marriage ending due to your leanings, but say that she embraces your kid dressing as a girl, doesn't make sense! She wants to put makeup on you, and suggested a corset to make you look thinner. Women are very intuitive, she may already know more than you think.

Don't beat around the bush, sit down and have a honest talk about your feelings and where you see this all going. Truth is the best way to communicate, and she needs to know that you love her, and know what is going on inside your head. Keep the drama to a minimum, just the facts and the truth about what is going on!

[KatrinaK]

Couldn't agree more with Micki and everyone who agrees with what she has said. This is NOT a game. If you treat it as such, you will undoubtedly do irreparable damage to your relationship.

Here's the deal: you have already deceived her when you married her without disclosing this aspect of yourself to her. Any further deceit could very well be the end of your marriage.

Coming out to your wife or SO is a very serious affair and it deserves the care and attention and INTEGRITY that Micki has described.

Here are some facts to consider:

1) Regardless of how you come out to her, you're putting your marriage at risk. You need to accept that going in. You also need to accept that telling her is the only position with integrity as well otherwise your marriage is based on lies and deceit.
2) Not coming out to her is either going to put your marriage at risk (by her finding out by other means) or your personal mental health at risk in the long-term
3) Honesty is the ONLY policy that has integrity when dealing with your spouse.
4) You should be more concerned with "why am I finding this out now" rather than anything to do with your presentation. That is where the crux will be.
5) Please take this one seriously: You will find out very soon that this is going to be an in issue of honesty and trust more than anything else. Your plan is going to aggravate the situation, not make it better. And she's not going to find it cute. You're trying to remedy your own dishonesty with more dishonesty. That will backfire, in a very serious way.

My advice is to suck it up and have the conversation that you should have had before you married her. It's the only decision that shows her any respect.

[Asew]

I also recommend either telling her, hide it, or stop doing it. These coy games are just ticking time bombs.

My wife suggested many times if I like skirts so much I should wear them. But when I actually did it she wanted it off immediately. This really delayed me telling her since I thought she was against it. And at the time she was against me dressing since she only thought gay men crossdressed.

[Beverley Sims]

I would not just dump it on her, read all the coming out and telling the wife articles so as you can make a wise decision and avoid the pitfalls.

A marriage is a valuable asset that you do not need to ruin.

[Shelly Preston]

I suggest you read the link in my signature

Your plan is based on hope and manipulation not a good idea

[jacques]

hello Victoria,
I suggest that you give some thought to why you want to come out and what your desired outcome would be. And then what compromises are you willing to make?
You know your wife and how strong your marriage is better than any of us.
There may be a range of responses that you could prepare for.
But if you are planning a scenario what will you do if it veers off course?
wishing you every success, luv J

[cdsamswife]

Coming from a wife of a cd.... I echo the other .... hesitations to going along with your game plan. I think I personally would hate it if my husband manipulated me in to thinking I was the one that led him to crossdressing. Regardless of the intentions... I would be more hurt that my husband was lying to me about his reasoning and desire to crossdress. Also, I imagine that accepting that your child wqnts to crossdress is very different than accepting your spouse is a crossdresser..... Best of luck to you...

[Karen's Secret]

Not a good plan. Not at all.

[Judy-Somthing]

One Halloween I dressed up as a woman and my wife did the makeup. I thought "wow this is going to be great" wrong, she did clown makeup on me. I was so mad and when I tried to fix it she got mad and said "you could never look good, your wasting your time".

I tried coming out to my wife two years ago and told her I dressed for years, things got bad and she told me to stop dressing or she'll tell my kids.
Well I'm now back in the closet.
She never asks me if I still dress, I think she afraid of what the answer will be.

[Debs]

What nobody has asked yet, is at what stage of dressing are you at, clothes only, do you do makeup ?, are you ready to go out into the world ?, how do you currently see yourself ?, do you want to move forward ?. Personally the drive to become female will decide how you want to tackle this situation, my drive was to strong to stop, so eventually I accepted, dont fight it go with it, but tell on the way, depending on the strength of your desires do you hide it and hurt, or do you tell and be comfortable with your life in future, not hiding anymore, once again my personal opinion based on what I have been through.

[Victoria_Winters]

Debs, I dress, I don’t do much make up as I have to be able to remove it quickly when I do dress. When I was younger and single I would do some basic foundation. Lipstick, eyebrows. I’m not good at beauty makeup yet. How do I see myself? I’m not sure what you mean. I see me. When I’m dress I look complete different and I see the person I would like to be... just a little fatter than I would prefer... if that is what you mean. As far as going out into the world. As long as it’s not near where I live I think I could do it. Not that I’m ashamed or anything but my work politics are kinda not so good towards that thing so I don’t want it getting back to work.

[Jenny22]

Katrina K hit the nail smack on the head when she wrote, "3) Honesty is the ONLY policy that has integrity when dealing with your spouse." Heed that!

[Debs]

never ever be ashamed at what you are !!!! you are a gorgeous person, dont ever forget that. crap makeup one day, next day amazing, its practice

[Victoria_Winters]

Never ashamed... I used to be when I was younger but now I consider Skye Sweetam’s song “I’m strange and I like it” as my theme song. If you never heard it YouTube it. Fantastic song!