CD Husband Hiding Purchases

[cdsamswife]

Im a little upset right now..... I just found out my husband keeps making these small purchases (tops, blazers, heels, skirts) and hides them from me. I understand he doesnt need to explain or tell me about all his purchases be it related to his crossdressing or not but I dont like that he specifically gets packages delivered on days when I am not home or that he hides them in boxes of older clothes and shoes he no longer wears. Also, he had been complaining about not being able to save up enough money or buy me presents and Ive always reassured him that it doesnt matter to me... Am I crazy? I am supportive of him dressing but Im just really annoyed .... should I confront him about it? or just ignore it?

[Di]

I think its a normal thing steming from their shame and always hiding it for many yrs.
What I did eary on was tell Sherlyn I ONLY will be mad if you HIDE buying things . So that kinda did the trick for us.
Hope that helps.

[chelyann]

does he know that you know about his dressing, has he talked to you about it.
maybe it is time for you 2 to have the TALK, if you are ok with it maybe you 2 could go shopping together and that way he wont have to sneak around.

[cdsamswife]

Ive known he dresses before we got married, we go out sometime together when he is dressed.. I help him with his makeup and I do go shopping sometimes with him for his female clothes... he doesnt need to sneak around..

[Shayna]

My wife prefers that I hide my purchases from her.

[docrobbysherry]

Sounds like it's more about money than his dressing.:straightface:

I believe money is listed as #1 issue between couples! It was in mine!:doh:

[mbmeen12]

I think it's inner shame....But yes talk to him and really good on you for supporting her. Many gurls on this site would embrace your loving support.

[faltenrock]

Im a little upset right now..... I just found out my husband keeps making these small purchases (tops, blazers, heels, skirts) and hides them from me. I understand he doesnt need to explain or tell me about all his purchases be it related to his crossdressing or not but I dont like that he specifically gets packages delivered on days when I am not home or that he hides them in boxes of older clothes and shoes he no longer wears. Also, he had been complaining about not being able to save up enough money or buy me presents and Ive always reassured him that it doesnt matter to me... Am I crazy? I am supportive of him dressing but Im just really annoyed .... should I confront him about it? or just ignore it?

Hi there, I kind of understand your anger. In your, I would not make it a big deal as it isn't really. You know he buys clothes and you're very familiar with his dressing. Perhaps just tell him you would like to know about his puchases and that you like to see them.

I also puchase a lot of clothes recently, my closet is full already. My wife knows about everything but doesn't join me in my dressing or going out. However, I also try to get my packages when she's not home, only because I don't want a discussion, mostly about money.
If I do get something in the mail when she's home, she just puts it in my office and tells me there is something for you.

[char GG]

The deliberate hiding and sneaking would definitely bother me. Especially when he complains about not being able to save money or buy you presents. You sound supportive, if he wants continued support, he should have enough respect to be truthful.

Anyway, maybe agreeing on an amount of money that either one of you can spend for personal items without guilt would be some kind of compromise.

Best of luck with your talk❤️

[Elizabeth G]

I think Char and Doc nailed it. From what you've told us there doesn't seem to be any need for the deception. I don't think ignoring it would be good in the long run so I'm for a discussion.

[Rayleen]

Honesty and communication is my moto in my house, it worked for me for some 40 yrs.

[NancySue]

Rayleen is totally correct. When I want something, my wife helps me shop. Sometimes, I do feel we shouldn’t spend the money, but she’s always OK with it. I do tell her when I do buy a “must have”. Honesty and communication..absolutely necessary. Like me, he has a supportive wife...treasure it.

[BrendaPDX]

If you are not in a DADT, I would definitely talk to him about it, don't let it get any bigger. Money is important but honesty is paramount. Funny coming from me, we are in a DADT mode.

[Beverley Sims]

I think a discussion is in order, it is not about deception but more about being self conscious in what is being done.

Get it into the open in a nice way and talk it through from there.

[Pat]

Thinking back to when I was married and I'd hide purchases of items from my wife -- not crossdressing related -- I think I was just embarrassed about spending the money. I too had money management issues and so I'd be embarrassed to buy something I wanted (camera or sound gear mostly.) Part of it was not wanting to be held accountable for the purchase but most of it was shame about buying something that I wanted, which my somewhat puritanical upbringing made me view as selfish, when we could use the money for something for my wife or for the two of us.

In fact, it should be OK for people to buy things they want for themselves. As someone suggested above, maybe set up a budget item for these purchases. Make it clear it's OK for him to spend that money on himself and that other money will take care of the other expenses. And tell him clothes go in the closet. ;) (And when the closet is full, he needs to manage his wardrobe as I'm sure you do -- you may have to teach him how.)

[chrissyone]

I feel like this sounds like a budget issue?? You two sit down and try to agree on a budget for his dressing??

[tasidevil]

I hid purchases too when I first started dressing, probably because I was spending a lot. But my wife was never denied what she wanted either. Since you seem to have a good relationship with your CD husband, he shouldn't be hiding purchases, but not buying you presents because he is spending on himself is a definite no-no and he needs to understand that. He needs to take good care of you if he wants you to remain supportive

[JenniferMBlack]

I agree with others. I don't know he is giveing the purchases because of what they are. It could be because they are purchases, money he spent that he did not have to.

[JeanTG]

If you're open about the dressing, it could be that he just feels guilty spending on himself while telling you he cannot afford to save up for presents to you. He is being caught in a lie. It's no different than the guy who hides the golf club purchase or adding to his collection of model trains for the same reason. Those of us with other hobbies besides dressing have this issue from time to time ;)

And women have been known to sneak in a new pair of shoes or purse under the radar as well, for similar reasons.

The answer, is a family budget, with each partner having a discretionary amount to spend on themselves as they wish, no questions asked.

[Stephanie47]

If your husband is complaining about a lack of funds and he has a compulsive desire to purchase women's clothing you have a problem. It's not necessarily the clothes, but, the behavior. It would be no different if he was buying something for a hobby and hiding it from you. If a husband and wife have goals, e.g., saving money for a large purchase (car, house downpayment), and one spouse is blowing money, then it is a problem. You need to have a discussion with him. If you do not already have a household budget, then you need to get one.

The arrival of clothing on days when the purchase will go undetected is nothing more than showing guilt for blowing money, and, trying to hide it from you. I'd be curious as to how he is paying for the clothing. Is the money coming out of accounts for which you have access? If not, you may want to check your credit report. There may be overextended credit cards of which you have no knowledge.

[Asew]

I think the biggest thing is just to casually bring it up. Why does he hide this? Money, afraid you won't approve, wardrobe already too big and feels wasteful, etc. The best way to find out is to talk about it.

Sometimes my wife and I go shopping together (stores and online), and other times I go buy myself (stores). So when I do buy stuff I always ask if she wants to see (and she always does) since I don't want to hide it from her. Sometimes she complains about me buying too many clothes lately (they add up quickly at the thrift store) or she doesn't like certain things, but in the end she is still supportive so I feel no need to hide it.

[Alice B]

You have a valid complaint. Take your husband over your knee and spank her.

[Patricia_Campi]

I see two points in this.

My wife knows but doesn´t approve my dressing, so we live in a DADT relationship. I buy things sometimes and she nkows, but I am still ashamed of this. Maybe your husband is also ashamed and doesn´t want you to know.

The other point is the money. I know because I had the same problema with my wife. For this one, you have to seat and talk honestly, there is no other way. :)

Kisses

Patricia

[kimdl93]

This is a straightforward matter. Yes, he may still have the secretive nature of a long closeted CDr, but he needs to realize that he is fostering distrust needlessly. Second, he cannot in fairness claim to be short on cash for giving gifts to you, while hoarding and buying for himself

He is fortunate enough to have a supportive and participating wife. He needs to show respect and appreciation by being open, honest and transparent.

[Teresa]

Samswife,
It's inevitable that we will hide purchases unless we know we are fully understood and accepted , there maybe an element of the dare involved . If you are OK about the CDing issues then make it clear and discuss groundrules , I made a promise that my CDing wouldn't cost a fortune and I stuck to it , so many items come from charity shops but then my wife wasn't happy with me doing that but I'm afraid I ignored her otherwise where did I get my items from ?

If you have separate accounts then there maybe very little you can do about it not unless he spends money that should be used to pay household accounts then you should really say something, you can't run ther risk of being put in debt by his dressing needs .

[prettytoes]

I do the same thing...try to intercept each package before she gets to the mail. It's not a budget issue, and she knows that I dress. She is not supportive, nor does she approve....she tolerates it. I often think to myself "how many more skirts do I need?"...then I think "just one more". I have a little guilt for buying clothing that I only wear at home, and usually for a short time.

[Teresa]

Prettytoes,
That was the rub when I was in the closet , there was no justifying it just to look in the mirror for a very limited time , in those circustances no we don't need another skirt or more heels .

Now I'm out old habits die hard but I actually enjoy trawling the charity shops , you can look very good on a very tight budget if you have to .

[ClosetED]

Being that you are very supportive, I view it as lying about the finances if your spouse makes purchases just for their desires and not spending it equally on yours. If there are things you could share using, that would be better and be done in the open. My wife is not supportive but knows, so I also make purchases and hide things a she asked not to make it obvious. But I also earn 95% of the income and there is plenty to spend. She buys $100 dresses for a single occasion and then gives them to sisters or off to charity. I keep mine (and usually low cost items from China or Savers) and then she complains I have more than her.
I would confront your spouse and work out what is fair-hear what they feel is the reason.
Hugs, Ellen

[Rhonda Jean]

Back when I was married...

We didn't discuss, but I didn't hide, either. In my case, and I suspect in many such relationships, there were things that were relatively easily tolerated. When it came to clothes, (although we never actually discussed it in detail) I felt like the things that were more or less like what she'd wear were OK. That covered a lot of ground. Even given such perceived latitude, I had things that I would have been embarrassed to try to explain. I had more than my share of thrift store skimpy dresses and miniskirts and sky high heels, etc. I didn't dress just to stay in. She knew I went out every time I dressed, so the natural assumption would be that I wore this stuff out. I can't say that I never did, but it was no more than twice a year, and then only briefly. I'd take this stuff with me when I went out of town, try it on in the hotel, maybe take a few pics, then change and go out. Pretty innocent. I would have been embarrassed to tell her about these little dress-up sessions, but looking back, I should have told her. It would have been better than her thinking I was going out like that all the time. I'm not sure she would have believed me, though. Doesn't matter now.

My point in this is, your husband might have an idea of what you think is acceptable, and when she veers off of that she is too embarrassed or afraid to tell you. There begins the deception. Levels of acceptance, from none to a lot, that always seem to be violated. We're inclined to push just a little beyond, regardless of how good our situation might be with an accepting spouse. As hard as it is to talk about this stuff, both parties even in relationships like yours have to continually work on keeping communication lines open. I'm pretty sure that my ex wouldn't have been really happy that I was taking pictures of myself in hooker-ish clothes and that a couple of times a year I'd wear it over to some restaurant and scurry back to the hotel. That being the reality, I bet that's a lot more palatable than what she thought I was doing.

When it comes to money, although I never put us in a financial bind because of it, I "wasted" a lot of money. Clothes weren't the biggest waste. At least 80% of mine came from thrift stores, and another 18% or so from clearance racks. What was a bigger waste of even more money was going out of town (travel to and from), hotels, and especially getting my hair and nails done on Friday night or Saturday morning only to undo everything on Sunday night or Monday morning.

[Rachael Leigh]

I think you should speak to him, hiding these things just allows him to continue to do it.
Even then he might not stop but he needs to be open and honest with you about it

[Dana3]

I'd just take the collection of this, that, and the other.

Lay them out and say "Really?"

Get over yourself!

Get over your societal, cultural and religious guilt complex.

Quit beating yourself up over it!

Accept it!

Regain your center, your bearings, your your compass.

Refocus

Focus on me!

US

This relationship

This marriage

This relationship

Prioritize

Be part the SOLUTION

Not part of the problem!

Be part of the answers?

Not part of the questions

Defibe boundaries.

Limit zones!

Comfort zones!

[IleneD]

Not telling isn't the same as lying or hiding.
Not saying something isn't deception.
I'm an adult and don't need permission.

...... none of this has worked with me and my beloved wife. not yet. probably not ever.
I don't care how silly, embarrassing or potential conflict contained therein, the best course for working with my Wife and my CD/TG is just be open and honest. Otherwise, it creates that glimmer of doubt and insecurity about EVERYTHING.
It isn't easy, and wasn't easy with my wife for a long time. I just didn't want to give an opening for another diatribe against crossdressing or my gender identity. Not worth the dodge. Tell. Tell in advance and tell her your intentions. She may not agree with your actions but she'll appreciate the openness on a very sensitive topic.
Of course, I learned this the same way I learn most things; by painful error. I take chances and make mistakes. [I can't believe I ever made it alive through flight school.] In my example, I attended my first TG support group meeting ad hoc, on the fly at the last minute. I failed to inform (and discuss) it prior to going. I intended to go if time was available that particular day. I was working another scheduled event that ended with time to leave and attend support group. It just happened and I just went.
When I returned home I had explaining to do. First was my basically impolite gesture to not call and say I'd be coming home late. But that wasn't the root of the angst. It was still over the subject matter of the group meeting. We both had talked about seeking therapy and support often and she thought that finding a group to be a good idea. She just wasn't aware that I was finally going to do it on this day without getting a wave of buy-in from her.

I know the distinction are subtle in my story. Even though we'd talked and agreed, my impromptu attendance didn't go over well.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Like Sherry said, it appears to be more of a money issue than anything. The dressing seems to be more of a smokescreen around a bigger issue.

[Meghan4now]

Lots of speculation here. The only way you will know what the motivation is, is to have an honest, nonconfrontational discussion with your husband.

Now one thing that wasn't mentioned was that possibly he doesn't want to rock the boat if you have been DADT. My wife gets kind of pissed if she finds more stuff, but at the same time she is definitely DADT. I would rather show off those cute new boots I got for $25, the skirt I got for free at swap night, or the dress from dress barn for $5. But she would rather not see it. And as far as cash goes, I have spent a bit, but maybe total $1k over the last three years? How about her $150 hair appointment every month? Really it may not be that big of an amount in perspective. Or maybe it is. But keep it in perspective. His complaint about not enough for you seems selfish though.

[Betsy]

Ignoring the situation is unwise IMO. I like Di's suggestion of saying that you'll only get mad if you find the purchases being hid! That gets it out on the table and will perhaps have the effect of moderating the spending in the process. Glad to hear you are supportive of his CDing. It's a good thing!


Betsy

[Charlotte7]

I think that one thing we have to bear in mind is that this kind of lifestyle tends to make most of us secretive, to some extent or other, at least some of the time. Whatever the situation that can be a hard cycle to break.

[Jenny22]

Dear Samswife ... You need to talk, as others have said. Many good ideas have been proposed. But one thing that must NOT come up from you in the talk is that 'he doesn't have enough money to buy YOU gifts.

[jacques]

hello,
I must be honest - I hide my shopping. My wife must know. And when I wear the new clothes she says "that's new, did you buy it last weekend?"
I can't explain it. Perhaps it is because we cannot shop together. Perhaps it is just an old habit.
So a suggestion for Samswife - try shopping together.
luv J

[cdsamswife]

Spoke to Sam about the purchases last night... he said he felt guilty for buying the things for himself (even though he couldnt help it) because he's seen how much Ive saved and how much more I contribute to our finances and bills. He was also feeling guilty for basically breaking his own budgeting goals and not saving the amount he wanted to last month. He said he had not spent this month (May) on his feminine clothes and that his goal will be to limit the amount he does spend in the future on them. So I guess it was pretty ok, we went over our short term and long term financial goals together... Im at least sort of reassured that it was more of a financial issue rather than him hiding things from me again... Thanks everyone :)

[char GG]

Good for both of you! Communication is everything❤️ Glad that some issues are out in the open and have the potential of being resolved.

[suzanne]

It sounds to me like he hasn't really accepted that his crossdressing is nothing to be ashamed of. You are wonderful to be as accepting as you are, and he should be able to respond positively to it. I think he is burdened by the macho baggage we were all immersed in, and cant get past it.

You need more talk. And when you enter into a real heart to heart about crossdressing, you need to check your anger at the door. Completely. Respond to him with all the calmness you can muster. I'm not saying your anger is unjustified. The sneaking around is a kind of betrayal. But it is counterproductive if what you want is to get to the root of his feelings and issues. He will clam up if he senses your temperature rising. He needs to feel completely safe that whatever he says will not upset you. Because I'm guessing that he believes he will lose you if he admits to you just how deep is the rabbit hole of his feminine feelings.

Good luck

[Sashauk]

I'm pleased to hear that it was purely for financial reasons that he was hiding his purchases - that must make you feel much happier about the situation. Hopefully ongoing you can keep the dialogue going and this situation won't arise again.

[Meghan4now]

Cdsamswife,

Thanks for sharing, and especially the update. It is nice to hear from couples that can work things out. Too often I've seen threads devolve into a negative outcome. Yours is more inspirational. :)

[sugababe]

If it bugs you tell him your true feelings on the matter and tell him that you support him but want the truth if thats correct.