How much longer

[IwishIwasTracy]

I feel like I am going to explode. I hate the loneliness. My wife knows about my dressing but won't even look at me when I am dressed. I am not sure how much more I can handle.


Tracy

[Karen's Secret]

When I was feeling like this a few years ago I saw a therapist. It didn't solve everything but it did help me understand what I was feeling and I got better at accepting myself.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Any local support groups ?

[Jaymees22]

I've had the same feeling, and my wife didn't want to see me dressed either. I saw a therapist which helped some and then went to a few different support groups. After much time my wife is a little more accepting and has seen me dressed. Hope you find some help either here or locally. Hugs Jaymee

[Jaylyn]

I think we all have those feelings when we are married. My wife didn't care at first and even helped me along then she just turned indifferent to it. Imagine what you'd feel if the situation was revered and your wife started dressing and acting like a male. The best way is to keep the communication lines open. My wife loved me telling her my deep secret it made her feel like I wasn't hiding anything but I think she thought it would pass.

[Tracy Irving]

Finding some like minded people, like the support group idea mentioned by others, could help with some of the loneliness you are feeling.

[phili]

I hate the total rejection by my wife too.

We talked a little at our marriage counseling, and the discovery was that she feels her life is out of control, which then feeds off her terror as the daughter of a raging alcoholic [a sweet man with horrible PTSD buried so far no one ever thought it was the reason or tried to help].

People are complicated and so much is barely conscious. The biggest helpful thing for me was deciding to understand my needs within myself before demanding my wife understand them.

Hundreds of pages of journaling, diagramming the interlocking issues, and going on line here, and talking with people, and …..18 months later I am pretty much at ease.

I want her to understand, but I also see her point of view, feel her fear, and that made it easier to do my best to satisfy my need to dress without her having to endure it. The good news, I no longer feel like I am ready to explode.

[Stephanie47]

Thirty plus years ago when my wife and I had the talk it was evident she wanted nothing to do with my desires to wear women's clothing. She did tell me to find a support group if I wanted. Unfortunately back in the early 1980's there were none in my area. What benefit would there be for your wife if you gave her a visual of Tracy? Perhaps she already gave you as much latitude as she can.

[Sara Jessica]

This one is easy. She obviously finds it distressing, don't dress around her.

[Sashauk]

Tracy I feel your pain. When I was married, many years ago, my wife would never entertain my dressing either but luckily I was able to keep it under control despite never being able to give it up.
Sadly these days I am alone in life so I can't really offer any help to you other that what others have said and try to get support from like-minded people locally.

[Alice Torn]

I have never been married, nor had a steady girlfriend, but was dating some, and mostly older women than me. I rented a room with a senior lady, and she found my elastic bracelts. later, i sent her some pics of me, and she did not like it at all, and sent some to the lady i was interested in, who was her friend. I got told off. Just have to "fave the music" some times. I hope if she did find your stuff, that you and her can have a civil honest sharing session, and let her know you love her, and cherish her, and that this has been a personal thing you have had to struggle with off and on, for many years, and IT IS NOT ABOUT HER.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Tracy, if you feel like you're in real trouble, please go and talk to a counsellor. It's great that you can come here and at least write down what you're feeling, but it isn't the same as talking to another person. I'm assuming you don't have anyone to talk to about it?

Counsellors exist to listen to other people's problems, and if they are doing their job right they will not judge you, and may even be of serious help.

I don't know if you are a churchgoer, but I'd strongly advise against a counsellor with an affiliation to religion- the last thing you need is to be told 'Put it behind you'. Make some calls, but if you feel unable to see a counsellor, call the Samaritans. They are highly trained to listen without judging and it won't cost you a dime.

It also sounds as if you would do well to find some sort of CD group to meet up with, even maybe once a month. How you handle that in terms of your wife I don't know, but from the tone of your post it seems pretty urgent that you find somebody who will understand what you're going through.

Try writing here in more depth, really try to put your feelings down on the keyboard- it's a lot better than nothing and you KNOW we are sympathetic.

Hugs, Nikki

[IleneD]

Tracy,

I know what you're experiencing. A sense of "all dressed up and no place to go."
First, I relieved the urge to get out in public by shopping. Dress up and shop. But I agree. Shopping alone isn't all that fun either. You want to meet people.

It would be difficult to explain to your wife why you might lurk about gay bars or serious LGBT dedicated establishments. The wives absolutely hate the specter of "gayness" becoming a part of this; and often it is not a part. I understand their concerns. So, don't necessarily go there.

I'd try one of your local LGBT advocacy or cultural centers. Nearly every metro area has one. In Denver we have the GBLT Center of Denver. They provide counseling and other services in support of the LGBT community. My Center offered a Trans Support Group. It was a great way to reach out and SAFELY meet other likeminded people (girls), and do it under the cover of acquiring professional help and counseling that will benefit both you and your wife.

[Alice B]

In time she wil look. Give her tiome to adjust and accept

[IwishIwasTracy]

Thanks for your thoughts. My wife has known about my dressing since before we were married. I actively dress in front of her. I refuse to hide in my own house. The attitude of happy wife happy life is not one that I believe in. You both need to be happy. For me it is about the clothing. I don't wear a wig or makeup and the name Tracy is just used here for ananimity. There is nothing feminine about me. My frustration is all about being tired of dealing with this. I feel like it needs to end sooner rather than later.


Tracy

[kimdl93]

This one is easy. She obviously finds it distressing, don't dress around her.

I really think this is the most realistic option. If you're hoping from her approval and involvement in your dressing, I"m afraid you're asking for something she may be unable to give. You don't have the right or the ability to persuade, manipulate or coerce her into changing her feelings on the matter. Respect her feelings.

Find your comfort and acceptance in yourself, in therapy and if possible in a network of like minded individuals.

[char GG]

I guess it’s unclear to me how much you want from her. You indicate that she knows about your dressing and you dress around the house. Sounds like she doesn’t look at you while dressed. So, does she leave the room? Make remarks? How often are you dressed? Are you lonely because it’s more often than she likes?

I just wondered what the ideal solution would be, in your opinion.

[Jenny22]

Tracy, the fact that she knows you CD is a blessing. She married you knowing it.

What is the compulsion to dress in front of her? To push it in her face like damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead? If so, why?
I'd like to offer a suggestion ... stop dressing in front of her for a couple of weeks, and be attentive to her needs during that time. Then one evening, perhaps after several glasses of wine, tell her that you need to dress again, and ask her for her help and advice in doing so. Suggest she select the femme articles from your wardrobe the she thinks would look nice on you, including lingerie. Let her be a part of your NEED to dress. Keep it simple, even making a game of it that you both can enjoy. Just saying.

[LeannS]

Tracy Just think if you where in a DON'T ask Don't tell ?? I am in that kind of relationship which is fine I wish I wasn't but it is what it is.
Take your attention away from you and put it toward her and see what happens. then have sit and talk moment.


buy her some flowers and take her out and have some fun. Just a thought.
But one thing stop dressing in front of her sort of rubbing her face in it they don't like that
it is just my 2 cents worth here take care and good luck

[Micki_Finn]

Well Tracy, if you’re drawing a line in the sand on this, then there really isn’t much choice here. Your wife is made miserable by your dressing and you cant force her to accept you, and that lack of acceptance is obviously painful for you. If being together is making you both miserable but you don’t want to change anything else, then you just need to be NOT together anymore.

[Stephanie47]

I actively dress in front of her. I refuse to hide in my own house. The attitude of happy wife happy life is not one that I believe in. You both need to be happy.

It sounds as if neither of you are happy. If you do wear women's clothing around the house, then you are achieving part of your quest. The other part seems to not be forthcoming, and, that is total acceptance by your wife. If she refuses to be around you and I am making the assumption she vacates the premises by totally leaving the house or she retreats to her place of sanctuary. I've said many times on the site that tolerance does not equal acceptance. I can only assume you would love it if your wife cuddled up to you on the couch and watched television with you while you're en femme. Would that satisfy you, even if her heart wasn't into it?

My own personal experience of trying to gain acceptance, not tolerance, from my wife was to ask, maybe beg, for panties for my birthday. Of course, if she bought me panties that surely would mean acceptance. We went to Mervyn's at our local mall. We headed to the panty section. She was so uncomfortable to almost the extent of shaking. It was not because she and I were shopping in the panty section. We had done that together for her many many times over the years. She would try on nightgowns in the changing room (over her bra and panty) and ask my opinion. She was shaking because these were panties for her husband. It was then that I realized what I was doing was actually a form of mental spousal abuse. I was forcing her to do something she was opposed to for my own needs. That was the last time I ever approached the subject of wearing women's clothing with her. I confined expressing my desires in privacy. My wife told me it was alright with her, if I wanted to join a support group.

I don't know what to advise you to do. Obviously you are not happy. Neither is your wife.

[Karen's Secret]

At the end of the day you need to decide if the marriage is worth it. Depending on how old you are and whether or not you have children, you might just decide to pull the plug. I believe several people on here have done just that and have come out much better off than they were before.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm a closet dresser, Tracy. Never went out dressed for 12 years. Then, I went to a national T girl event. That opened up a whole new world for me!:hugs:

Now, I go to nearby and interstate T events. Have 100's of T friends close by and around the world!:hugs:

But, I'm still in the closet and don't dress within 10 miles of where I live!:D

[Beverley Sims]

Try a local support group and learn to get out more.

It is the only way to tackle this problem.

Sherry has a good line in the post before me, you still stay a closet dresser around your own home.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Tracy;

You have to get out of the attitude that it's all about whats best for you. Relationships are not about whats best for one person. I'm sensing its about more then crossdressing.

[rian]

most of the women would love to see a dominant husband which give them the sense of security ,,,Yet confronting an issue where a husband becomes a wife is a choking to most of the wives even though they know or accept the crossdressing but they will not approved completely to this idea , .You have to respect her denial to you about crossdressing and try to convince her and introduce to her your feelings about crossdressing ...explain to her that you are still the faithful husband but with different peculiarities ...she might change after a while ...I have lived the same experience with my wife ....imagine being in the middle east and how dangerous this is to the environment ....yet it took me years of preparing the grounds for her to understand my situation ,,,finally she accepted it and sometimes she bought me some of the outfits needed ,,yet up to this moment she admits that she does not like to see me dressing infront of her or outside ....I respected that and agreed to her terms willingly .

[Judy-Somthing]

I was just thinking this morning how I hate the feeling that I'm doing something wrong!
As I was looking at some necklaces and an older man was watching me, I felt uncomfortable.
Looked like he didn't approve!

[phili]

Hi Tracy,
I'm sure you realize it is not just 'my' house, but 'our' house, and a power struggle is not an enjoyable relationship, as you see. I think everyone here is saying you are safe with us, but if your wife is reacting badly and in pain, something new and better needs to be done.


I'm very clear on the existential nature of my TGness- I HAVE TO BE SEEN AND KNOWN as I am. I think you may feel something very deep that you are trying to show by wearing women's clothes. But in the absence of understanding it more, we focus on the act, and the act of crossdressing means all sorts of things to others, and without them or us understanding it better, we end up in unnecessary conflict.

It isn't easy being TG- it is sort of unintelligible to most people, and seen as aberrant. They can perhaps superficially understand the logic of TGs existing, but...they rightfully feel- it is not the norm. Maybe they can get by without having to deal with it.

Most people do not feel safe pushing the gender norms, and when people feel unsafe they often take extreme action. So we learn to find situations where we are not forcing people to go beyond their own range of tolerance.

Seems you and your wife are at cross purposes right now- she wants to feel safe and that means keep her image of you as a normal man intact, and her future, and you simply want to dress in women's clothes- which massively conflicts with her needs. You are insisting, and she is desperately avoiding seeing you in order to minimize the conflict.

That can't end well- but why throw away a marriage when so little detail is explored. There is so much unsaid- what is the goal you seek? What does she fear? How an you compromise so that your personal needs are better met?

Lots of good suggestions here to seek counseling, to share more here, to find alternate ways to dress that don't require running over her.

As men we are often pretty simplistic in our approach- "see dress, want dress, wear dress". But life is more complicated than that, and ironically, I'm pretty sure the actual reason we want to wear dresses is to have more access to a range of feeling and communication and experiences that we so often feel are denied to us.

That range of feeling makes us more amenable to compromise and fuller communication, and sharing the road of life more gently with others. So let's look for a win/win here for you and your wife.

[Sara Jessica]

My wife has known about my dressing since before we were married. I actively dress in front of her. I refuse to hide in my own house. The attitude of happy wife happy life is not one that I believe in. You both need to be happy. For me it is about the clothing. I don't wear a wig or makeup and the name Tracy is just used here for ananimity. There is nothing feminine about me. My frustration is all about being tired of dealing with this. I feel like it needs to end sooner rather than later.

Well there you go, it's all about you. You cannot use the only positive in the above statement against her, that she knew since before you were married. Many women will try to see through and past such things, mistakenly thinking they can change their man. When they can't do that, they also realize they cannot change themselves into an all-accepting participant in their partner's feminine pursuits.

When you say there is nothing feminine about you, it tells me this is about what you do rather than who you are. It is all about playing dress-up and you choose to rub your wife's face in it regardless of how she feels.

Sorry if you don't want to hear this sort of thing but I have to side with your wife on this one. There are many ways to find an outlet for playing dress-up without involving her in any way.