Did you coax her??

[Jenny22]

My CDing is not a problem with my dear wife as she lives in a "different world." But it is a problem for many of you ladies, and so, these questions.......
If your wife/SO ultimately began to better understand your need to let your inner girl come out and be more accepting to her ....
1. What did you do to enable that? Please be as specific as possible.
2. Did you ever coax her into broader thinking about your CDing? Again, be as specific as possible.
3. Did you ever direct her to something to read? if so, what was the result?
4. Did she ever go alone to a councilor to find out more about CDing?
5. Did she ever go with you? What, if anything did the councilor say or do to help relieve her anxiousness?
6. Did you ever suggest this forum? If yes, was it helpful to her?

Please share your experiences as fully as possible. They may well give direction to a forum sister who is stuck for ways to effectively approach her. Thanks!

[Glendy]

I didn't have to coax my wife about my need to crossdress. When she first found out she was upset and didn't want to see me dressed. Acceptance didn't happen right away it took time. We didn't or haven't seen any type of counseling. After she found out she told me that she had noticed that I had a lot of feminine postures but didn't put things together until she found out about my need to let my inner girl to come out. She is now accepting up to a point, as long as I don't dress every day, which in hard to do for me ,but I can live with that. Another thing that made her more understanding is that on my side of the family I have a lot of relatives that are gay, I don't know if their are any more crossdressors like me. What help her was that she confided with one of her Aunts, that seemed to help her understand my feelings about crossdressing.

[DaisyLawrence]

Ok her's your answers:

1. My wife has a live and let live attitude and would not prevent me doing any I wanted. So with a free pass to be myself she soon realised she prefers the real me to the old one that was suppressing his inner self. So all I did was to be myself for the first time.
2. I have not, and would never, coax any-one to do anything.
3. No. But she did read a couple of books about gender issues that I was reading by her own choice. We are of like opinion about such matters so they just confirmed what she knew already.
4. No.
5. No.
6. No.

[Beverley Sims]

My wife knew before we were married so all the questions are redundant to me.

The suggestions you have put forward may be useful.

Talk them over with your friend.

[Elizabeth G]

For me this is an ongoing process so I can only answer as to where my wife and I are at this time, which is that she is somewhere between tolerant and mildly supportive and varies quite a bit on a regular basis.


1. This is an ongoing process for me at this time and her level of acceptnce is in a state of flux. I have been very deliberate and patient in my efforts to gain her greater acceptance. I began counseling and she had joined me. I'm trying to make sure it's not all about me and I try to be what she needs me to be. I don't make demands with respect to my crossdressing and in general try, by example, to show her I'm still the same person she married.

2. I don't think I'm trying to coax her. I just slowly and patiently work with her so that my crossdressing doesn't become an all consuming thing in our lives. I'm taking small steps towards greater acceptance in the long run but it's not what I would call coaxing. She has a mind of her own and will make her own decisions.

3. My therapist suggested we read "My Husband Betty". This actually didn't turn out well for us as my wife found certain aspects and details of the story more than she could handle at the time. To this day she is opposed to me attending Tri-Ess meetings because of the unflattering light in which they are described in the book.

4. No.

5. Yes, she has joined me in therapy and while I can't recall specifics as to what was said that helped, in a broad sense she helped my wife understand the larger picture and that I'm still me.

6. I have not suggested this forum to her.

[Teri Ray]

First my wife and I have come through three common stages of crossdressing (1. believing I was fully in the closet and hiding it from her, 2. being caught, talking with denial and excuses, resulting in living with don't ask don't tell, and finally; 3. having another "big talk", because DADT left her with only her imagination to understand, resulting in her asking more questions and finally my open and honest answers).


1. Lots of communication with honest answers. Biggest factor since she discovered I was a full blown crossdresser. Her initial response was working to understand why I needed to dress and what she may have done to cause it. Once she learned that she did not cause my desire she needed to better understand my desires. She needed to be able to see her worst fears, about a crossdressing husband, were not true.
2. No.
3. She chose to do her own research online.
4. No.
5. No.
6. Yes she reads threads on this forum on occasion and she will ask me to tell her about what new things people are discussing. I used to hide my reading of this forum but no longer. I often share what other couples and dressers are going through with her and try my best to keep our communication about my dressing desire open and honest. Life is so much better now.

[alwayshave]

I told my wife prior to us moving in together, so most of the questions are moot. She did her own research before accepting though.

[Debs]

once they realize its for real and isnt going away, they will help or hinder, but will finally come to some arrangement

[Asew]

1. When I told her she was accepting (which I couldn't believe) but did have concerns. We talked for a good while. I also wrote about 20 pages of stuff about it throughout my life. It was cathartic to write it out, and it covered everything I could think of at the time (in the week to follow we talked about things I would think of I forgot). I think this really helped her understand my history and help her understand it better.
2. I think talking about where I see my CDing in a year, in 5 years, in 20 years kind of helps her think more broadly about my CDer and not just the current step.
3. I mentioned maybe two or three articles but she passed on all them.
4. No, and neither have I. I have thought about it for myself, I doubt she has.
5. No.
6. Yes, but she declined since she says she is accepting and doesn't need the forums.

Overall, I don't need to coax her. If anything she coaxes me :)