Still feel the guilt

[Kellymay]

I have the most excepting wife in the world.
She just came and showed me a back shaver. She doesn't what I wear but she does like me in shorts. But i still feel the shame. Can not get passed it she tells me all the time if I don't care why should you.

[Teresa]

Kellymay,
It is an odd feeling , we want the interaction but when we get it there appears to be a mental block . The question is how long have you been out to your wife ? Most people take while to come to terms with admitting they are CDers, to suddenly find it's not only OK but that you will receive help is possibly slightly overpowering . At least you haven't floated off in a pink fog yet . The ball is your court so you need to decide where you want to go with it , but take it easy she is OK with the situation at the moment don't ruin the support she's offered you .

[Stephanie47]

I think how you feel is natural. It should be part of a progression. Many of us beat our heads against the wall because we were not conforming to societal norms and expectations. Everyone likes to be part of the group. To fit in. A man wearing women's clothing does not fit the male mold. You have an accepting wife. That is a major hurdle for many of us, i.e., acceptance by the person(s) closest to us. Perhaps you need to try to create separate identities for your male self and your female self. Don't envision your male self is dolling up as a woman. Envision it is the woman inside you that is exploring herself. Years ago I was able to find myself expressing myself as my man side, and, other times as Stephanie. I don't try to mix him and her together. I don't know if that makes sense. Maybe it takes time to achieve that balance in life.

[phili]

A very wise marriage counselor, Harville Hendrix, says that marriages bring up these situations where our spouse wants something we really don't want to give them, and vice versa, and when we both do give in, it ends up really really good for us.

So my thought here is to /first to try to understand what you want from her that she is not giving you here. And to describe what she is offering -unconditional love, or perhaps even sexual interest, or just simple help in following your dream, or maybe she doesn't like hair? But you are not accepting her gift, or supporting her hope- so it is an opportunity for both of you to try to put more words to how you feel, so you can get to yes.

[Becky Blue]

Kelly can you try explain to us what exactly you are feeling guilty about? putting it down in words may help you deal with it.

[Helen_Highwater]

Kelly,

Walking out into the world enfemme we encounter peoplewho we'll most likely not know and never see again. All they'll ever know of us, the person, is what they see in front of them. That makes it easy to feel no guilt. To be the person we want to be.

Your SO however knows both sides of you so it can make it difficult to know how to act and behave in tbeir presence. Enfemme, out and about, I will adopt femme mannerisms, I immerse myself in being Helen.

One if the quandaries I face about coming out of the closet to my nearest and dearest is how do I behave in front of them when dressed.

Do I become Helen or stay as male me but in a dress? Now I know some will say that they are regardless of dress mode the same person. I can't get away from the fact that enfemme my mannerisms alter and I know doing that in front of my SO would feel very strange. Hence I can understand how you might feel guilt. I would describe it as acute awkwardness at least in my case.

The only thing I can suggest us if you haven't already describe these emotions to your SO. It seems she may be able to offer the words of wisdom to overcome your burden.

[Lacey CD]

A very wise marriage counselor, Harville Hendrix, says that marriages bring up these situations where our spouse wants something we really don't want to give them, and vice versa, and when we both do give in, it ends up really really good for us.

So my thought here is to /first to try to understand what you want from her that she is not giving you here. And to describe what she is offering -unconditional love, or perhaps even sexual interest, or just simple help in following your dream, or maybe she doesn't like hair? But you are not accepting her gift, or supporting her hope- so it is an opportunity for both of you to try to put more words to how you feel, so you can get to yes.

A+ for the Harville Hendrix reference, "Getting The Love You Want" is a brilliant book and Imago therapy is one of the most important tools my wife uses in her marriage counseling practice. Using it in our own marriage has been one of the biggest contributors to getting beyond DADT to a place of compromise and acceptance. It is also one of the most difficult and gut wrenching things to go through and a lot of males simply can't do it. Phili, you've offered some wise words here and I wholeheartedly agree.

[Teresa]

Helen,
The more you do it the more normal it becomes . I know I live alone now but I've had all my ornamental pots in the garden to plant with summer bedding plants , it means carting heavy pots around and filling with compost , jobs like that you do as any person male / female would . I then prepared my evening meal and sorted a chili concarne for tomorrow when Carole calls. I tend to forget I'm dressed and get on with it, I don't think I'm really doing it any different as I would in male mode, I'm trying to get into the full time mindset . I may never do all this with my wife present but I'm very comfortable with other people .

[Beverley Sims]

Teresa's post before mine does explain a lot.

I go out and feel nothing these days, follow your wife's encouragement and forget the guilt.