After all these years

[Lisalove1976]

For most of us who have been in the closet for many many years is there anybody else out there that has put up "walls" and hidden behind them for so long that it's just normal to keep everything to yourself...

My wife knows about Lisa and I we have even talked about gender dysphoria and how it makes me feel, the big issue I have is being totally and completely open with her. I tend to find talking about myself "selfish" so I don't but of course that puts the Genie in the bottle and we all know what happens when the Genie wants out.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lisa :hugs:, Other than a few thousand people here only my:love:Wife knows about my dressing,

but just don't want to se me while I am dressed.

We have a very workable DA/DT nothing is hidden , I know my boundaries and stay within them
I dress about 3 to 4 hours every morning and a couple hours a couple evenings a week. >Orchid...:daydreaming:...

[jacques]

hello,
my wife sees me dressed at home. she knows I under-dress sometimes.
But I suppose I still have some habits that i cannot be open to her about. I don't like her to watch me getting dressed or putting on make up. I don't have the courage to buy women's clothes when we are shopping together. I still avoid the question "did you buy anything nice" when I have been shopping by myself.
Thanks for your question Lisa - you have made me think!
luv J

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Lisa,

I know how you feel. My wife knows I crossdress (she found out in a less than ideal manner but that's old news) and we are trying to work our way through things. We're have had some success but still have a long journey ahead. She has shown some acceptance but I still am secretive sometimes. I guess I'm always trying to protect her and not overexpose her because I too feel selfish at times. That being said, a therapist told us, and my wife has since has reminded me, that I need to advocate for myself. People here will wisely caution not to push too hard and too fast but I think I may bethe flip side of that. I won't accomplish anything if I don't talk about it more.

Elizabeth

[kimdl93]

I suspect that hiding over decades can have really damaging effects on the persons thinking. It may affect our ability to trust her partner, it may contribute to low self esteem and contribute to adoption of unhealthy behaviors. I’m the poster child

[Jenny22]

Lisa, this may just be the right time for seeing an experienced counselor / therapist ... both of you. Get the help you need so that its NOT all about you.

[Jaylyn]

I've been in a keep things hidden and to myself for so many yeas that after we had been married for twenty five years I finally told her. She was very helpful, advising me, and even buying Jaylyn things. The new must have worn off as she just doesn't support it like she did at first. After being supportive, to almost in a DADT type thing. I still enjoy dressing but I don't tell her when I do. Maybe I like to keep the dressing to myself because I'm not feeling guilty from what I do privately.

[Rayleen]

Hiding from your wife and she finds out that you crossdress make her suspicious, what else is he hiding and she may think that you cheat on her.


The best way for me is communication and caring and making her feel special. Then she is more tolerant and accepting of my hobby.


Rayleen

[Nell27]

I appreciate this discussion!

My wife’s opinion of me dressing girly flows in and out with the tide and I’m learning to adjust to it. Sometimes she will have fun with it and call me Princess, very affectionately. Other times she will roll her eyes and give me that look that says, “What are you thinking??!!”

She is a very sweet, strong and accepting woman, and I love her dearly. So right now, I’m trying to learn the timing and to gauge her moods so that my putting on a camisole and panties can be a fun thing together and not a source of annoyance or uncomfortableness for her. I’m learning to ask her ahead of time, saying things like “Would you be OK with me putting on girly clothes this weekend? I will do it only if you are comfortable with it.”

Sometimes I sweeten the pot and remind her that I’m much more patient, loving, and gentle when I’m dressed that way, and add, “I will fix you breakfast, then devote the whole day to making you happy!” Sometimes she says yes and sometimes no, but it’s all good! I will still devote my weekend to making her happy.

Best wishes to you, Lisa!

Nell

[Beverley Sims]

It is time for some boundaries and rules to be brought out.
A common sharing of your problems together and a talk about your dressing would help immensely.

[leannejacobs]

I'm very similar to some in this post, my wife knows and accepts Leanne in her life and encourages me to dress when she can see I need to. We've recently got our home back to ourselves after our son moved out, again, I thought this would allow me more Leanne time but it hasn't had that affect, I'm most comfortable dressing when my wife invites me to do so but this hasn't been happening of late, therefor I've been hiding it a little by dressing when she's out, I know I can dress in front of her but like previous comments, I don't want to be selfish making it all about me.

[Sashauk]

I suppose you could say I'm in the closet, but as I have no partner it's not really the same. Living alone, as I do, I can dress in whatever and whenever I feel like it but it is always in private. I do got out underdressed, if I know I'm not going to meet someone I know, and I make no attempt to hide the fact that I'm wearing a bra, so in a way I'm not in the closet as there must have been countless people who have seen me that way.

I would really like to have someone know about me - and to be able to be dressed in their company - not sexually but just being able to be the real me around them.

[Teri Ray]

I tend to agree with you Lisa. Holding these feelings as secretive for so long it is not straight forward to open up all the way to an accepting spouse. My wife and I shop and talk about my dressing a lot. She even moved my Teri things into the house. She will make time for me to dress if I ask and she often offers to make time. We both are working our way to seeing me fully dressed. So far she has seen me nearly daily in panties (still not able to have her see me in a bra). It is an evolution but its all good. Having my dressing be known openly by my wife even though she has yet to see me fully dressed has been a blessing.

[phili]

This comes up for me all the time, too. My wife doesn't like me crossdressing, so when am I selfish to do it?

I keep coming back to selfish as a positive in that we need to be attentive to our selves, and relate to others as our authentic selves- the logic of being human is to express diversity and find collaborative success.

Selfish as a negative is when we want more than 50% value of shared time- so in that sense I ought to be able to crossdress that much. But since she actively doesn't like it, and says it pains and disorients her, then I feel selfish to ask any time for myself, and I only do when I am desperate, so our needs are equal again.

That is quite restrictive, of course, and I keep pushing back to question how bad it is for her, so hopefully I can try to address some of that and make more room for myself by having more time when our needs seem equal. So far she prefers not to answer or be inconvenienced by studying her own reactions, but she adopts a cold stance rather than freaking out when I do show her what I am feeling.


One narrative would be that if we aren't fully self-sacrificing we are being selfish, but at some point you have to feel good about self-sacrifice for that to work.


The social shame applied to crossdressers is supported by and circularly used to justify spousal rejection, but that is clearly a selfish use of social norms, ganging up on the lone crossdresser, isn't it?

[Stephanie47]

When a wife wants nothing to do with a husband's desire to wear women's clothing how does the word "selfish" come into play. I'm in the deep "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" category. My wife and I had "The Talk" decades ago. Maybe the last time there was any interaction was in the mid 1980's. I answered all those questions. She doesn't understand. I can accept that too, since I do not understand either. "Why would a man wear a bra when he has nothing to pack into it? she queried. I tried the old "inner woman" idea to which she responded, "When you can have a baby, then we'll talk about how a woman feels!" There are issues and perceptions women have, mine included, which make them really trip over that idea. This was all before Al Gore invented the Internet. Maybe, she does research on the Internet. Maybe she even stumbled over this site. It would not take too much of an imagination to figure out "Stephanie47" is her husband. There are a lot of posts a guest can read to gain some insight into all the issues that arise in men who need/like to wear women's clothing.

Am I "selfish" in any way? Sure, since it is DADT she has opted to avoid the issues. To avoid this integral part of her husband! So be it! Am I to deny myself the need and pleasure of buying women's clothing? Or wear the clothing when possible? Today's mail is "Out for Delivery." A package with seven panties and a bra from Macy's. I would love to be able to share with my wife, but, she does not want anything to do with it. I know she suspects I buy things. Unlike some on this site, she does not snoop around out of fear of finding my things. Everything is hidden in plain sight with the exception of my inner feelings. Those are hidden away.

My wife does not suspect there is anything more to all this that wearing women's clothing. She knows I am a one woman faithful man. "Who is really selfish in all this?"

[Mary Lawrence]

When a wife wants nothing to do with a husband's desire to wear women's clothing how does the word "selfish" come into play? …. This is really the question. I was not a crossdresser when I was married (although, in hindsight, perhaps I was, but did not define myself as such). So, to have me admit, years later, that I love wearing women's clothes creates a situation that she neither anticipated nor wanted. My wife married a guy (49 yrs ago) and is unaccepting of me dressing as a woman. It simply doesn't fit with her sense of who she married or what she wanted/expected in a husband. She almost certainly would not have married me if I had known about my future turn toward crossdressing and had brought up the subject during our courtship.

So, how can I possibly say she is selfish? The word does not apply, at least not any more than she could say that I am selfish for desiring to express my Mary Lawrence persona who certainly didn't exist when we married. I don't blame her for her attitude anymore than I blame myself for my behavior. It is what it is and I have to live within the resulting constraints placed on Mary's activities. Those constraints keep Mary hidden out of sight unless my wife is away from home for several days with no likelihood of returning unexpectedly. Like now. In other words, Mary is a secret and I hope to keep it that way. There is the outside possibility that my wife could be more accommodating, but there would be a LOT of emotional turmoil involved, particularly by her. My need to wear women's clothing is not such that I feel compelled to head that direction while placing our love, marriage and social life at risk. I know full well that many of you do feel compelled to move more fully toward the femme side. I support you, as we all are doing what we must.

[Aunt Kelly]

The best way for me is communication and caring and making her feel special. Then she is more tolerant and accepting of my hobby.


Rayleen

Spot on, girl. If avoidance is the only to keep the peace, by all means do so, but if your SO wants to engage, never pass up that opportunity!

[Lisalove1976]

Wow I really wasn't expecting so many answers and different views... Thank you all for taking the time to put in your thoughts.

Jenny22 thanks for the advise I have been seeing a therapist for many years and wife had come with me on one occasion but there is lots of work to do to....

I really try hard not to make things about myself but when it come to Lisa how can I take time for myself to be my true self ? as Nell27 says " that I’m much more patient, loving, and gentle when I’m dressed" to me this is being Selfish but at the same time it's who I am.
Teri Ray, I believe that if she partook in Lisa's life things would be so much easier but since she doesn't want to know she is keeping me locked up and thus holding the Genie in the bottle... I don't expect her to accept Lisa but maybe acknoledge her and maybe interact with her.

[Tina Davis]

Lisa, I am also in the situation where I cannot share this side of me with my wife. I have been hiding so long, it's become second nature to avoid the subject. She knows I have dressed in the past but is not aware (that I know of) of my wardrobe or my adventures out in the world. I know she would never take part in it, but I would be thrilled to have a regular time to dress. I only get the chance when she is not at home, which has been difficult since she doesn't drive. I have (mostly) accepted this, although it is occasionally frustrating when the pink fog hits me. So my genie is secure in her bottle for the foreseeable future.

[Janine cd]

I've been in the same situation for at least the last 40 years. It was about that time that my wife discovered my need to crossdress. She expressed her displeasure with it and showed that she would tolerate it only if she never had any contact with it. I have remained discrete with my dressing up and have kept careful secrecy of my femme wardrobe. When she is away visiting her sister out of state, Janine emerges for a day or two. That is the only real time I have to be me.

[il.dso]

I love my wife and I love crossdressing.
Sounds simple, but it's not...