Need some opinons

[Sarahgurl371]

I recently (last week) had an appointment with a gender specialist. Finally got the courage to investigate it all. The question I have for those who consider themselves trensgendered or transsexual is - Do you have periods of time where you are just so empty about it emotionally?

This has been a huge struggle daily for over two years now. I have only ackowledged the extent of these feelings for a short time. Repressed it all, thought it was only sexual since puberty. I dressed prior to puberty but have absolutley no idea why. I am seeing the specialist to try and understand my feelings and what exactly this all is. I identify with so many things that are said by individuals from all ends of the TG spectrum. I guess I have hit the wall. This is going to make huge changes in my life personally, my marraige, potentially my work and social lives. This is the first thing in my head when I wake, and the last thing in my mind before I fall asleep. I have read so many times about people being "sucked in" and fooling themselves that they are further along the spectrum than they really are. I know this is real. I know it has always been. I am willing to bet on me, that I am right?

I am just emotionally drained. I am overwhelmed. I wish I was a person who knows without a doubt who / what they are. I have never known that. I envy that. Everything is up in the air, and I have no idea where or when I will have some sense of peace and contentment. I spend everyday fearing social interaction where someone will "find out" about me. I know I need some self accpetance. How do I get there?

I read how a true transsexual "knows" from an early age that they are the other sex inside. How they hate thier genitals. I read how people prefer to engage in activities commonly associated with the other sex and that coupled with the "knowing" gives them a sense of proof that what they feel is real.

I have always "wished" I was born and lived the life of a girl. I have the "want to be her" thought in my head when I see women out and about. And of course I like to see attractive women, and would like to be attractive. I think we all want to present ourselves in the best light. But as a guy I really do not care about my appearance. I do not hate my genitals but am rather indifferent about them, and they are pleasurable. Since my teens, I have thought that if I ever got cancer there, or sustained injury and they had to be removed, no big deal. That would give me justification to become a girl physically. Like I need a reason, an excuse.

I relate to all the "usual" stuff - never liked sports, never a "manly" man, very emotional etc. etc. etc. Never happy, never content, peaceful, always ill at ease. I am obviously different. There are plenty of emotional, or effeminate males out there who didn't play sports etc, who are absolutley solid in thier sense of themselves as male. So I do not use those characteristics as a basis for decision.

Mentally, I just feel like me. I have read how so many feel like they are the other gender inside. I completely enjoy seeing myself in the mirror as a women, and regret not being able to experinece my life as such. But I do get a sexual sense from it as well. There are things I enjoy that my "male" personna does, and its very handy to be able to fix my car etc. But many females do these things too. So where is the line? What is the deciding factor? I would live "as a women" in a heart beat. Meaning dress live and work appearing female, if I were not so afraid of what everyone else would say. But I know that I can never be what I truly want to be - a real women. If I could take the "magic pill" and wake up in the morning as a woman, I would. If I could take a magic pill and wake up in the morning as a "man" I think I would struggle with that decision. I like feeling / or allowing myself to feel, feminie. Will I always feel as though I will never be either or?

At this point I won't even let myself dress when alone. I am just like - whats the point? I will just have to be back to "him" before my wife gets home, someone shows up, anyway. I am in a prison.

Sorry to ramble. I know its more than one question. I just feel isolated and alone. Like I am the only one with this "particular" set of feelings. Gee, if only I felt that, or this, I would know for sure. I would appreciate any help / insight from your experiences.

[Kimberley]

Hi Tammy,
Welcome to my world hon. We'll talk more privately okay? At this moment I am off to a family function.

Kimberley
.

[Caitlyn]

Ok....I was going to say that....Its sorta weird to know someone else feels exactly the same sh*t as me.

[Cathy Love]

Me too...it's like you climbed inside my head, scoped out the gooey mess and put it up here for all to see....

I think we've all just entered the twilight zone.

[sparks]

Ah tis Friday night a time for deep thought! I think you've entered a lot of peoples minds! I've often felt that way! Especially the whole yarn of not liking any male enjoyments such as cars, motorcycles, sports!
Drop me a line whenever you feel like chatting.
I rarely dress anymore and there are many reasons for it!

[ChristineRenee]

Tammy,

All I can say hon is that I have been there...and it is still ongoing for me in many respects and probably will be for the rest of my life. Rather than take up a lot of bandwidth here with a lengthy response...I'd be more than happy to dialog with you...just PM me. I do a lot of chats on Yahoo too so if you have a Yahoo i.d. perhaps we could have a chat sometime.

Just remember...this is why we have this site...you are not alone...and you ARE among friends here.:hugs:

[Joy Carter]

Tammy keep us posted ! I to have always felt the same way you do. Has it been the way we were brought up or the disapointments we have suffered to our being a male (bad at sports-relationships with women etc.) All I know is that this is life long for me and although I have had a great professional carrier (retiered) I wish I could have lived it as a female. God bless and don't be so hard on Tammy she is loved by your sisters here.:thumbsup:

Joy Carter

[Deborah757]

You are definitely not alone because your post exactly describes me also right down to the tiniest detail. For years I have thought in great detail about every one of your points. The problem I have is that I have spent so many years trying to suppress my feelings and trying to outwardly mold myself into what everyone else expects me to be that it has become nearly impossible to separate real from illusion in my mind. One day I think I have it all figured out and then the next I am again full of doubt and confusion, occasionally to the point of hopelessness and despair.

Mentally, I feel like me also. I don’t fell like someone else. I just feel that “me” is in the wrong skin. Ask a man or woman without this conflict what they feel like and they will say the same thing. They feel like themselves and can’t imagine feeling like anything else.

I have also thought a lot about the “magic pill”. If there were one to totally change the body then I would take it without hesitation. If there were one to remove the conflict from the mind without changing the body I am not sure I would take it. My fear is that in doing so I would not be me any longer but would then be somebody else. That probably would sound irrational to most people but I’m guessing that people here will understand.

I too have often imagined an injury or disease that would force the issue. It is I think the desire to have a reason and excuse. I don’t think it is an excuse to justify to myself changing my body. That desire has been there as a conscious persistent thought since I was at least around ten years old. Rather I think it is the desire to do this without being branded a pariah by family, friends, and society. Maybe, in the end, this is the real cause of the despair I sometimes feel, knowing that there is at least a partial solution but being so heavily invested in this life that I cannot imagine paying the price of loss and condemnation that it would incur.

[Sarahgurl371]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. It is hard to imagine how many of "us" there really are out there. It seems that we as a society, community, are so intent on labeling everything. It is apparent in my own need for the "what am I" label. As though a label would make it better some how.

Had to delete a bunch of my message here. Found myself complaining about all the usual stuff.

Anyway, thanks again.

[Kim E]

Hello Tammy ~
Its amazing how much of your thoughts and fears actually mirrored my own. The same questions, concerns, fears and experiences are very much alike. I traveled the same path you are on and its only been the past 2 years where I have finally found peace and contentment in my life. You are not alone.

Feel free to PM me or chat on Yahoo, if you would like.

Kim

[Sarahgurl371]

[QUOTE=Deborah757]You are definitely not alone because your post exactly describes me also right down to the tiniest detail. For years I have thought in great detail about every one of your points. The problem I have is that I have spent so many years trying to suppress my feelings and trying to outwardly mold myself into what everyone else expects me to be that it has become nearly impossible to separate real from illusion in my mind. One day I think I have it all figured out and then the next I am again full of doubt and confusion, occasionally to the point of hopelessness and despair.


Yes, thats it exactly. Part of the problem now is that I am expected, by myself and my wife, to make a decision on where I am going. A decision based entirely on how I "feel" inside. A decision that will most likely change everything in my life. A decision i have dreamed of making, but am so frightened of doing so in reality. Its why I have made contact with a specialist. I need an objective viewpoint. I have to be right on this one.

Again thanks for the responses.

[Priss]

Hi Tammy.

Have you ever been to a support group? Not just online here, but with a group of people you can actually talk one on one with? If you can find a support group like that you might be able to figure things out.

Out here in the greater Seattle area there's a place called Ingersol Gender center which runs all kinds of group meetings for the transgendered. http://www.ingersollcenter.org/ You might look around where you live and see if there's something similar, even if you have to drive a little bit. I don't attend meetings anymore, however found it very helpful in the beginning.

[Sarahgurl371]

Thanks Priss.

No I haven't been to a group. My wife is very afraid that I will be "sucked in".
I mean I have to repsect her wishes too. I think it would most probably be beneficial, but to be honest it scares me as well.

[Kimberley]

Thanks Priss.

No I haven't been to a group. My wife is very afraid that I will be "sucked in".
I mean I have to repsect her wishes too. I think it would most probably be beneficial, but to be honest it scares me as well.
**********
I've done the group thing and it wasnt helpful at all. Was more of a bitch session than anything. I gave up after a half dozen tries. Might be okay for some but wasnt for me. I guess it all depends on who is facilitating the group.

Kimberley

[Priss]

**********
I've done the group thing and it wasnt helpful at all. Was more of a bitch session than anything. I gave up after a half dozen tries. Might be okay for some but wasnt for me. I guess it all depends on who is facilitating the group.

Kimberley

Yeah, that's very likely. That it depends on who is facilitating... While I was going, they basically got together, shared stories, updated the group on where they were that day, etc... Quite often there was some really good info given / help given on things like name changes. They would have surgeons come and speak, watch videos, all kinds of stuff. I found it definately worth my time. If it had been just bitch sessions, I wouldn't have lasted very long myself.

Tammy, I hate to say this, but you probably will not find out about yourself from just internet contact like this. This can help, but you need to be out there living and trying things. Getting the experiences that are going to tell you if this is what you want. Respect your wife, yes... However if you gotta know, you're going to have to come to some sort of compromise with her that allows you to figure things out. Finding out, means risk, and sitting behind a computer screen is much too safe to find what you're looking for.

This is a scary path to walk, and I don't recommend it to anyone. I don't think we really choose the path, it chooses us in a way.

Please pardon me for being kind of confrontational about this, but maybe you haven't heard this yet.

[Sarahgurl371]

Priss, What you said is OK. Truth is I have always lived the safe route. I have never taken many chances. I have always had big plans and not been able to initiate the plan to accomplish them. I apparently have other issues to face as well as the whole TG thing. Too afraid to take a chance on me, what I want.

Funny thing is, I think most people would describe be as courageous. I have done and continue to do things that alot of people say they could never. I always fight for the underdog. I am willing to stand out from the crowd on just about every other thing. But when it comes right down to it, to me that is, I guess I am a coward. That is where most of my current situation is. I am so afraid to take the chance on me. What if I am wrong? What if I am right? The thing I have always admired about those who are out, and act as though they do not care what anyone thinks is, That they have the courage to just be themselves. I know how much courage that takes. I applaud it.

I have another appointment today with the specialist. Took the day off work. Decided to check in here and see what was up. As I turned on the computer a thought.... Yeah, lets see what is new in cyberspace. Lets sit here behind the computer yet again. At least its kinda safe.

Anyway, thanks for the input. A little constructive criticism never hurts.

[Jennaie]

Tammy:

I think you make a very good point when you say "if I could take a pill that would make me female I would do it" and then follow with "If I could take a pill that would make me all male I would be hesitant". This very question was ask on one of the gender test. As I remember it, it said. If you could see a doctor that could completely cure you in a day with a pill that would take away all your desires to be female and make you all male, Would you take the pill?

I had to say no to this question, because the truth is, I like my female self more than I like my male self. I would hate to lose my female self. Yet, if I could take the same pill and become female totally, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I don't know exactly what all that means, but it seems to me that if that is my choice, I must be a lot more female than male.

As you stated, I don't hate my male parts and there are a lot of things that I enjoy about being male. But I would give them up to become a real female.
I don't know if I could give them up to become a post-op ts. I just don't think that I could cope with the hardships that would follow.

[jamie_44]

Hi Tammy,
I have very similar feelings and I can fully understand your situation. I have been thinking about talking to someone professional too. I also have felt the same about the genitals, don't hate them but if there were a disease then I also would have the excuse needed to be a woman. I don't like taking the makeup and clothes off either, anyway I would love to know how the sessions go, are they helpful?, what did you learn?. You can PM me if you feel like sharing, if it is too personal and you don't want to share I understand that too. I hope things work out for the best, you are one of the classy girls on this site.

[Sarahgurl371]

Jennaie, I absolutley understand your last statement. Maybe that is an identifying characteristic of a TG and not a TS.

Jamie 44, I have only had two appointments so far. It would seem that we are in the I tell everything phase and he sits and listens. He has given me some validation, that these feelings are real and that I am not insane. He seems to understand that this is extremely difficult to go thru. Last week he gave me an assignment, related to my life, kinda writing a biography. Haven't gotten to it yet. Many other issues have arisen this week. I would suggest seeing one though. especially if you feel you need to or could benefit from it. I am not sure where it will lead, but I can't stay here.

[Alison Michelle]

[/QUOTE=tammycd]The question I have for those who consider themselves trensgendered or transsexual is - Do you have periods of time where you are just so empty about it emotionally?[/QUOTE]

Why yes I do, I get involved in the days responsibilities and don't think about it. The thoughts always comes back to deal with. And like several others that replied to this post, I feel very similar as do you. I grew up somewhat isolated and preferred individual sports i.e.. BMX to team sports.

[/QUOTE=tammycd]Yes, thats it exactly. Part of the problem now is that I am expected, by myself and my wife, to make a decision on where I am going.[/QUOTE]

I have made a decision on where I'm going and that is to see where this journey is going to take me. No major "This is It!" what I am kind of choice, just looking around and probing around at what may or may not be me.

This may not be what your SO wants, but I feel a rubber stamp decision would be premature for the both of you. I wish you and the rest of us all well on our journeys and may we all find peace within.

[Sarahgurl371]

Alison, thanks. What you say makes alot of sense. I guess I feel it down deep, but am just a but afraid of making that choice. Thats the whole problem really. I have gotten so down that I cannot make any choices.

Everything hinges upon the other thing. I would do this, if this happened, but that would create this...so on.

Well the biography thing was not real fun. So many things came flodding back, but oddly I was very emotionless about it all. Just kind of dazed. I became burnt out recalling all my past issues with gender and sexuality, that when I had finished it, I hadn't even really gotten to the last two years which is where is has come to life.

[Jacqui]

Tammy, count me in.

I haven't been in this part of the forum for awhile, concentrating mainly in the CD section. But I think from reading all of the replies that show that you are not alone in your thoughts (and neither am I), it helps to differentiate between the CD part of the spectrum and the TG/TS part.

I have taken the liberty of labelling myself "TG+/TS-". There are alot of people here who object to "labels" and just want to live and let live. Unfortunately, some of us care what other people think of us. It's hard to lose that character trait. To me, a label is simply an adjective used to describe or classify what something is without reading a book about it. It's a starting point.

I have all of the same thoughts and feelings that you have so eloquently described.

To me, the difference between "TS-" and "TS+" is that a "TS+":
*has the courage to know that they could lose all that they love and all they have worked for;
*has the knowledge that they will go through pain, suffering and possible financial hardship;
*accepts the stark reality of starting their life over from scratch with fewer people to help them along the way; *knows that there are no guarantees that they will be one iota happier after all is said and done....but is willing to take the chance.

Based on my own definition, I fall into the "TS-" category. Having the same thoughts as you have day in and day out, I have come to accept this as a form of entertainment and fantasy that I truly enjoy. I don't think that it will ever be more than it is because I do not possess the ingredients needed to fall into the "TS+" category. Unless, of course, I do have that nasty accident or disease that robs me of my "stick shift." In which case, I believe, that most people would agree that it is better to become a woman than to be a man without the ability to drive.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you find your true self.

Jacqui

[Sarahgurl371]

Jacqui, I agree that labels are not really a positive thing. The problem, rather what I am hoping for by seeing the therapist, is that someone with knowledge in this can "label" me with something.

I do not know who / where I am in this all. I almost seem to need a label so I can work to accept myself as such. I know it sounds kind of ridiculous, but I honestly need that clarity.

i like the whole TS- and TS+ thing. I just wonder if I have the courage to ever be me. What ever that is.

[chantelle]

My heart is with u.

[Sarahgurl371]

Well, I went to my appointment this week. Some things have changed a bit for me. I know it sounds corny but, I wrote myself a letter giving myself my permission to just be me, whatever that is. It seems I so desperatley need someone else's permission / approval, and am not getting it, so I thought what the heck. It donned on me while writting my biography that I have always lived to meet others expectations of me. I was always seeking someone else's praise or approval.

Anyway, I have had about five decent days. Telling myself to just let it go for a while, its OK to be me. Afraid I will jinx it by talking about it, but, just thought I'd share.

Also took some pictures to show my therapist. That was a very nerve racking thing. I guess I just wanted to show somebody.

When I was leaving he asked if I have a Femme name for myself, and so I told him. He then asked if I would like him to call me by that name. Scared the Sh^t out of me! Don't know what to make of it, but it did.

[CaptLex]

I know it sounds corny but, I wrote myself a letter giving myself my permission to just be me, whatever that is. It seems I so desperatley need someone else's permission / approval, and am not getting it, so I thought what the heck.

When I was leaving he asked if I have a Femme name for myself, and so I told him. He then asked if I would like him to call me by that name. Scared the Sh^t out of me! Don't know what to make of it, but it did.

tammy,

It doesn't sound corny to me at all. I think self-acceptance is the key and the main thing for us, and that letter is just that - accepting that it's okay to be whatever it is that you are (even if you may not understand it all just yet). Good for you! :thumbsup:

My therapist also asked me if I had a male name when I first met him, and seemed surprised that I did. He asked me to choose which name he should call me, but I really had no preference, so he chose to call me by my male name. That was a couple of months ago, and now I can't imagine him calling me by any other name, even if it felt kind of strange at first. I think it's helped me to see the inner me as a reality.

Thanks for the update, tammy. Hope you'll continue to keep us posted. :cool:

[heather_nouveau]

Tammy:

Your thoughts/questions mirror almost exactly my own; I've also made an appointment with a gender specialist but not until next month. It is really hard both emotionally and spiritually to have such a dichotomy between how I feel on the inside and how I appear on the outside.

You are definitely not alone! I think that seeking outside professional advice is the best way to go.

Please feel free to PM/IM if you'd like to talk.

Hugs,

Heather

[paula]

hy tammy i think the best way for you is first safe your money you dont need aspecialist he cand realy help you you need a frend in a ather city thake a week of work and move to a new city (1 ore 2 weeks only) and live whit thes frend (male) 24/7 as man and wife every day go out for dinner clean the room have sex as a women not a man be hie wife then you will see what you like (remember nobode nows you in a new city) fill free live as a women for one week.afther you go back to you old live go step by step remember you live onlyu ones love paula