Told my wife today

[Kimberly Adams]

My family has been through a massive whirlwind of trauma over the last 6 months. I made peace with the small part of me that is a crossdresser today and told my wife. We've been through so much worse (at least in my mind). I pray to God she will forgive me for hiding it and accept it. My family is the most important thing in the world to me but for reasons I won't go into today was the day. Absolutely had to tell her. She is upset. Thinks it means I'm gay. Said she feels like I cheated on her, which I 100% would never do. Not me. I showed her this site and just asked her to read. I'm sure she is freaking out.

[Millisense]

Hi Kimberly, thank you for sharing this news. I hope that both your wife and you find peace beyond that news too. If she tries to understand your desire to crossdress (by reading these forums, etc) I hope she'll realize she's not in danger of losing you. She should feel closer to you in fact as you've trusted her with your secret.

[Kimberly Adams]

Hi Kimberly, thank you for sharing this news. I hope that both your wife and you find peace beyond that news too. If she tries to understand your desire to crossdress (by reading these forums, etc) I hope she'll realize she's not in danger of losing you. She should feel closer to you in fact as you've trusted her with your secret.

Thank you.

[Sarah Louise]

Her reaction is just like so many others before her. It might take her time to get her head around it. But keep the lines of communication open, keep reassuring her and there's a good chance she'll accept it on some level. Good luck to you both.

[kimdl93]

It was courageous of you to bring this out in the open. The outcome is unforseable. Now that you are out, all you can do is be patient and considerate until some resolution emerges.

[Kimberly Adams]

Her reaction is just like so many others before her. It might take her time to get her head around it. But keep the lines of communication open, keep reassuring her and there's a good chance she'll accept it on some level. Good luck to you both.

Thank you. Appreciate everyone's feedback and support.



It was courageous of you to bring this out in the open. The outcome is unforseable. Now that you are out, all you can do is be patient and considerate until some resolution emerges.

Thank you! East Texas. My mom lives there.

[Patience]

Congratulations on taking such a courageous step.

Here's a documentary on YouTube about women who are married to crossdressers. It may be useful.

https://youtu.be/zV6bStI7St8

A word of warning: the documentary is from the UK, where the terms "tranny" and "transvestite" are still used to describe CDers. Doesn't bother me, but it might worry others. Good luck.

Xox,

Tina

[Kimberly Adams]

Congratulations on taking such a courageous step.

Here's a documentary on YouTube about women who are married to crossdressers. It may be useful.

https://youtu.be/zV6bStI7St8

A word of warning: the documentary is from the UK, where the terms "tranny" and "transvestite" are still used to describe CDers. Doesn't bother me, but it might worry others. Good luck.

Xox,

Tina

Thank you.

[IleneD]

Oh Kimberly,

I know this story all too well. I didn't have the advantage of "coming out" on my own terms. I was caught and had to explain.
Your wife's reaction troubles me, and yet it's perhaps understandable. It will take a lot of patient education and learning together to convince her that gender is a characteristic separate from sexual orientation. There are a vast number of heterosexual straight crossdressers. I'd almost venture that most CDs are straight males (without know the true stats). My wife had the same negative assumption that CD or trans means "gay" . It won't be easy to overcome but with patience and love you can do it and prevent panic.]

The other thing that will be difficult ( but not impossible ) to re-establish is TRUST. OK, admit it (you did). You hid something and successfully deceived your partner for many years ..... in her mind. It isn't cheating. I recommend that you attempt to make her realize WHY and HOW DIFFICULT it would have been to openly share your secret. It could have meant loss of your family that you love, your career, job, local reputation, etc. You were almost required to conceal it.

Good luck. You will find great advice for getting together with your wife on this and not letting it damage your relationship too badly. You're relationship has changed forever and there's no toothpaste going back into the tube. Same thing happened when I came out. My relationship with my wife of 40 yrs changed, and hasn't been the same since. Its not hurt or wrecked, and we've come a long way to living with my inner girl. But it can never be what is once was. I instead to think of it as an opportunity for growth.

[Rayleen]

Yes it takes patience at first, good communication and honesty worked well for me.

Hope you have a great relationship with her.

[Kimberly Adams]

Thank you for the support. I knew I could come here and get it. Thank you!

[phili]

One tip- do not look or feel guilty- it really makes a difference for others who don't understand at all to see that we feel peaceful and simple and normal. It means then that at a deep human level we feel safe and right, and that they can too.


People try to test this- by rejecting us violently, but just calmly look them in the eye with the love that comes from peace. They relax, or they run away.

[Kimberly Adams]

One tip- do not look or feel guilty- it really makes a difference for others who don't understand at all to see that we feel peaceful and simple and normal. It means then that at a deep human level we feel safe and right, and that they can too.


People try to test this- by rejecting us violently, but just calmly look them in the eye with the love that comes from peace. They relax, or they run away.

Great advice. I woke my wife up this morning and she's like... I want to see the pictures. So I take her to my super secret file of 40 pictures. Let her see all of them. She's like you look fat. I pull all my shit out and let her see. She thinks I'm nuts but I'm pretty sure we can sort through it. We'll see. I got a pretty cool wife.

[JamieG]

Hi Kimberly. You are very brave for coming out to your wife, I can still remember the anxiety I went through before finally coming out. My wife was also very upset at the time, and it took a few years for me to fully regain the trust she had lost in me. I'm glad to hear that today is better for the two of you, but don't expect this to be the end of the story. They may be many ups and downs for quite a while still. Be sure to listen to your wife and make sure that you take care of her needs. Now, is also a good time to start being more open about your feelings. Try to explain to her the fear you have had of being exposed, and any negative experiences that might have convinced you that you could never tell anyone.

[Samm]

Just be prepared for for your wife's tolerance level to change. She may seem ok with it now, but may hate it tomorrow, and then who knows the next day... My wife is pretty much %100 supportive, but she still has her days where she can do without me dressing. She has told me on occasion that as long as my dressing doesn't become more important than her, she's good with it.
Good luck Kimberly. Let us know how it goes

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

i have been in your shoes Kimberly and i know these can be dark days, with you and your family's future in the balance.
after 27 yrs of marriage(7 years ago) i was late picking up my wife from work( i had gone to a Mac store in Toronto for a makeover)
when my wife was so upset i was late i just blurted out i like to wear women's clothes, the you know what hit the fan and for 6 months
to a year our marriage was hanging by a thread. eventually my wife researched the topic and sought counselling and now is somewhere
between tolerant and supportive. so i wish th.at in time your wife we come around as mine did

[DaisyLawrence]

Good luck. She needs time to realise that the 'real' you is a better person when you are not constraining your true identity, that's all.

[Kimberly Adams]

I really appreciate all the replies and support. Thank you.

[Suzie Petersen]

Hi Kimberly,
Be careful not to interpret her feelings about this based on a single reaction! As others have said, she is very likely to struggle with this and change her mind about how she feels.


She's like you look fat. lol. I pull all my shit out and let her see. She thinks I'm nuts but I'm pretty sure we're cool. Whew. We'll see. I got a pretty cool wife

Just an observation from the outside: "You look fat" is not an uncommon reaction outburst when the wife first sees pictures. It might mean "You are not prettier than me, don't even try!".
Be very careful as this is a common mistake to make. You want to show her how good you can look, but to her, "Kimberly" is "the other woman" and she is fat and ugly!


I'm pretty sure we are cool.
No! That is very unlikely at this stage. Be very careful and go very slow. Keep talking with her, but give her time to react to this. For most wives, this it a gamechanger and she need to find out what it means. Let her set the pace.

- Suzie

[confused_cathreen]

I second Suzie's comment, strongly. My mind went through a shock and my reaction was positive. It stayed positive for a week. And then it hit me. I call it Armaggedon because it came out of nowhere and rained hell on him. I would brace myself, if I were you. I explained it to my bf as not changing my mind but having time to process what my mind was saying. And it was saying "wtf just happened??" I just wasn't ready to hear it. I can't stress enough how careful you need to be during the initial stages. Do NOT under any circumstances show up dressed in front of her, even if she asks to see you. Pictures are not processed in the same way as real life. There is a distinction in our minds between fake and real, like what we see on the screen when we are watching a movie. Make your life, and more importantly hers, easier and be extremely open to discussions but refrain from a catwalk show. She will not be ready to see it for quite some time. Play it as safe as you can and best of luck.

[DIANEF]

Hi Kimberly, I'm watching this thread with great interest as I may be in the same situation as you in the not too distant future. Hope things work out for you.

Diane.

[IleneD]

.... as not changing my mind but having time to process what my mind was saying. And it was saying "wtf just happened??" ..... Pictures are not processed in the same way as real life.

I wholeheartedly concur with Cathreen's wisdom. I know because I made all the mistakes. I came out involuntarily. Got caught. I had a error in personal security where a couple photos got out and let another family member know. It understandably surprised and embarrassed my wife who was already reeling from my recent outing.

One key mistake I made was calculating how difficult it would be for my loved ones to (as Cathreen says) process what the hell is going on, and what it all means especially to an existing long term relationship. I knew there was risk is opening my entire CD/TG box. Somewhere in the back of my silly mind I thought that "Oh, these people already love me. They will readily and unconditionally embrace my life change." Wrong. I had no idea of how deep and the kinds of effects it would have on my marriage and life. Processing the radical change is easy for us because we adore our changed selves. Not so easy for our loved ones who see us in their mind's eye much differently. For people who never have these kind of "gender issues" swirling in their heads and don't understand, the idea of a man wanting to be a woman freaks them out.

Case in point. Even after months of knowing about my crossdressing, after showing her all my clothes, and my wife seeing photos of me dressed, a day came where I dressed in full. Dress, makeup, wig , forms.... the works. When she saw me she literally fled the room sobbing. It was powerful. Apparently it wasn't the clothes. It was the body shaping image that knocked her over. I crossed the threshold past dressing into Being A Woman. I came to learn there's a bit of "resentment' about assuming that womanly shape; as though I had not properly earned my Boobs. They were fake boobs (and hips) and it all was fake, and to presume I could sport breasts simply by inserting falsies was taken as a personal affront to her womanhood.

So.... be very, very careful when it comes to the self-esteem and sense of womanhood your wife has. Respect it.

It's been a 3 yr battle for me, but thankfully with the help and advice of this forum and a little research and education, my wife and I are still together (41 yrs); still in love and working it out. My gender issues haven't been fully resolved but I believe we've come to a basic acceptance and understanding as we BOTH proceed.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

To your wife:

If he didn't love and trust you, if he didn't wish above all else to be honest with you, he never would have told you.

Please forgive him for taking so long to build up the confidence to do so. It's no small thing.

Hugs to you both.

[Stephanie47]

Your wife, any wife, is entitled to change her mind. She is new to your desires to wear women's clothing. No one needs to tell you these sorts of revelations are shockers for a woman. Obviously, you are not the man she married. Or at least there is more to you than had been presented for a long time.

My wife's discovery was not so dramatic. I never told her during our short courtship because I had not worn women's clothing for a very long time. I did reflect upon that distant time in my past which had always left me confused. Back in the 1960's men who wore women's clothing were thought to be homosexuals. That was society's take on men who wore women's clothing. That confused me. Was I a closeted homosexual? Why did I do that? I just ignored it. Was I deceitful? I did not think so. Sometimes there are things you may have done which for one reason or another a person does not talk about. Especially, if those things are not reoccurring. Other secrets I harbored form her and others were unintentionally revealed during a medical crises. Those secrets were more significant than my desire to wear women's clothing, but, for reasons that were obvious were alright to conceal. Societal acceptance can be strange sometimes.

Anyway, we had incorporated into our 'bedroom play' a stirring desire to wear nylon nightgowns. Then we added some hosiery. It was a fondness for all things feminine made of nylon. It graduated to slips. However, when she unexpectedly found a vivid red Vanity Fair bra her take on all this changed. We had "The Talk."

One mistake I made trying to explain something I knew nothing about was to use a BS line related to my "inner woman." She shot back, "When you can have a baby, then you can tell me about your inner woman." I should have told her the truth which I ended up doing. That is "I do not know why I do what I do!" I can tell her how I feel. I can tell her it brings me comfort. It may be an escape mechanism. I still do not know why I need to wear women's clothing.

All I can add from my personal experience is to remember your wife did not marry a woman. She does not need her husband to be her girlfriend. Don't short change her by pushing your femme side onto her. If you need to explore your inner self and needs find some other outlet rather than compelling her to endure some thing you want to do.

My wife told me it was alright with her if I wanted to find a support group. I looked. There were none in my area in the early 1980's. We're into DADT. Would I love it to be able to cook dinner all dolled up and get an approving pat on my butt? Sure. However, that is her choice to make. Not mine.

[Alice B]

I think that you are well on the way to some acceptance from your wife. You have stepped up and told her the truth and she has started the adjustment period by asking to see your images. The road is long and the way to follow it it with open honesty and on going conversation. It takes time and there are expected bumps in the road. I wsh you both a long and happy relationship, which I think will hapen

[Rachelish]

Hi Kimberly

A bold and honest move, which must have taken some courage. I wish you both well.

Rachel

[Kimberly Adams]

Is it advisable to point her to this thread? I already showed her the forum so she may just find it on her own but not know for sure it's me because the name Kimberly won't mean anything to her.

[Karen's Secret]

Is it advisable to point her to this thread? I already showed her the forum so she may just find it on her own but not know for sure it's me because the name Kimberly won't mean anything to her.Honestly I don't know that I would have told her about this forum. There is such a diversity of people on this forum that she may get spooked by some of what she reads. I wish you well.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kim :hugs:, Well the ball is in her court now, Just be careful not to

overwhelm her with Kim, Baby Steps. >Orchid..+:daydreaming:+..

[Millisense]

Honestly I don't know that I would have told her about this forum. There is such a diversity of people on this forum that she may get spooked by some of what she reads. I wish you well. That's excellent and certainly true, though your comment alone may be worth her reading to help understand there is such diversity in crossdressing.

[Alice B]

I say yes. You have already told her about the site and unless you have made posts that you do not wish her to see It would be good for her to see what others have said. Honesty is the best policy

[Kimberly Adams]

She seems better today. We'll see what happens. I'm trying to shower her with love and compliments.

My wife just asked to see my makeup so I let her rummage through it. Wants to know why I have MAC and Sephora high dollar stuff. Nicer than hers. She took what she liked and said I could keep the rest.

[Sashauk]

She seems better today. We'll see what happens. I'm trying to shower her with love and compliments.

My wife just asked to see my makeup so I let her rummage through it. Wants to know why I have MAC and Sephora high dollar stuff. Nicer than hers. She took what she liked and said I could keep the rest.

I'm pleased to hear that things are a little better with your wife. I know you are currently treading on eggshells around her but taking your expensive make-up and letting you keep the cheap does not sound fair to me.

[alwayshave]

I'm glad that your wife seems to be coming around. Though I find the taking of your makeup somewhat passive aggressive.

[Samm]

My wife just asked to see my makeup so I let her rummage through it. Wants to know why I have MAC and Sephora high dollar stuff. Nicer than hers. She took what she liked and said I could keep the rest.

I see no problem whatsoever with her taking what she wanted. Just as much as I see no problem with you replacing it, now that she knows.

[Suzie Petersen]

Hi Kimberly,


My wife just asked to see my makeup so I let her rummage through it. Wants to know why I have MAC and Sephora high dollar stuff. Nicer than hers. She took what she liked and said I could keep the rest.

I think that reaction fits well with what I said earlier. Your wife is seeing you having "nicer" makeup than her as you having an unfair advantage in the competition for the spot as the female of the relationship!
This may not make sense to you right now, but try and put yourself in her position. Kimberly is "another woman" entering the relationship and "she" cannot be allowed to have a better chance.
It sounds like it might be too late but you should be careful with when and how soon you show her glamour pictures, nice clothing, pretty shoes etc so you dont overwhelm her. The typical CD will go for the very feminine and very young styles and many adult women have passed through that phase as teenagers. This means that while they are now more comfortable with clothes and styles that is more suitable for their lifestyle and age, now there is suddenly a teenage girl competing for their position in the relationship.

As for your wife reading this thread then yes i think that would be good for her, but you have to realize that not everything she will read here will be in your favor. She will benefit because she will have the opportunity to get input from other GG's, both some who have accepted this in their husbonds and also some who have not.
It is important for you to tell her that this is not about trying to convince her to just accept you, it is about helping her to find a way to deal with this new situation and for both of you to come out the other side as a strong and happy couple.

I see you have changed your original post to say that you think you can work through this, rather than say that you think you and your wife are "cool" with this. I am glad to see that as I think that is a much more realistic status for now and a much better mindset to work from.

Cathreen said something you should definitely listen to, and keep in mind that she is in a similar situation as your wife having just found out about this side of her BF. This ties into what I said about not reading too much into your wifes immediate reaction:


Cathreen: My mind went through a shock and my reaction was positive. It stayed positive for a week. And then it hit me. I call it Armaggedon because it came out of nowhere and rained hell on him. I would brace myself, if I were you. I explained it to my bf as not changing my mind but having time to process what my mind was saying. And it was saying "wtf just happened??" I just wasn't ready to hear it.

I know I and other have said that your wife might change her mind, but Cathreen says it much better. It is not a matter of changing her mind! What happens is that the initial reaction is based on a natural instinct to be positive and accommodating of what goes on with ones spouse, but then when it sinks in what this new situation means, the real reaction comes in and you have that "wtf" moment and the second reaction. Try and prepare yourself for that!

- Suzie

[Sara.Blue]

Kimberly, I started a reply then deleted it because I cant imagine what you are going through because I have not experienced it myself.

I came back and do want to reply. I feel it is very important that your situation is acknowledged.

I want to tell you I am concerned for your situation and hope it works out and all goes well.


Sara

[Katya@]

Hi Kimberly,

As good as this forum is, it is not the best place to start for someone who thinks crossdresser=gay. I don't think pointing to this forum wishfully thinking it is all there, just read it, was a good strategy. There is an entire section on coming out to SO. There are excellent resources on the web and YouTube that are well suited for family and spouses to learn about the transgender folks. Why they do, why they didn't come out from before, etc. I don't want to be jerk about it but unless you caught on the spot, you should put more thoughts and effort into coming out if you don't want to gamble on your relationship. In any case, I do hope and wish for everything to work out but go do some work and help you wife to learn and understand you.

[Becky Blue]

Best of luck Kimberley, thanks for sharing your story, and it seems that its so far so good. many others have found its often two steps forward three steps backwards so stay very cautious. I would not show her this thread.

[sometimes_miss]

First, these are my opinions, based on both personal experience (and watching my marriage go down the drain) and four decades of reading every thing I could find about crossdressing and relationships. I cannot provide references, because I did none of this to write a report for others. I read it all to learn about myself,and how it affected my own life. So take it for what it is, and I hope it helps you understand what's going on in your life now.

Okay, now it's time for damage control. You've done something which may destroy any sexual attraction that your wife had for you. And if you lose that, you're done. Your romantic relationship will be over. And if that's gone, the marriage usually is pretty much over. Why? Because romantic love, for women, is attached to sex. If you've destroyed the sexual attraction, the love always follows for a woman. And once that's gone, she will want to regain it, and it WON'T be with you. It will be with another man, either in reality or her fantasies. And then if that happens, you're done.

Let me explain.
We don't fall in love with what the other person is. We fall in love with what we BELIEVE that other person is. As we get to know them, we accumulate information, and in our mind, we gradually add information to that image which becomes what we believe that person to be. Your wife fell in love, and had sexual desire, for a masculine man. Now she finds out that, that's not what you are (at least in her mind). This can either instantly turn her off, or sometimes gradually just eliminate the sexual desire for you, as she no longer sees you as the masculine person she was turned on by. Let me give you an example. You turn the corner, and see a hot babe walking in front of you, you love her subtle curves, the slight wiggle, the way her long, sexy hair gently swings back and forth. Pique your interest? Feel a little turned on? Enjoy looking at her? Then she turns into a shop to look in the window, and you see that it's a guy; bulge in the crotch of his jeans and all. Still turned on? Nope. Attracted? Nope. You might even feel he's repulsive. That's what usually happens when a wife finds out her husband is a crossdresser. It changes the sexual dynamic. Instead of picturing you in her mind as the masculine man she always has, now she might see you in a dress and heels. And not only doesn't that turn her on at all, it most likely specifically turns her OFF.

So don't dress up for her, and I wouldn't show her any pictures, either. Because while she might imagine it, seeing it in real life will be an image burned into her mind that she will NEVER forget.

So. Remain the man she has known as best you can. Don't dress up in front of her. Don't discuss make up, clothes, DON'T try to become her best girlfriend, unless that's all you want to be. Because once you're her girlfriend, you're not her husband anymore.
Continue to have sex the way you always have. BE THE MAN IN HER LIFE. This is important. Why? Because if she loses the man she has, she will start looking for a replacement strong male figure; women often want their mate to be solid, reliable, someone that they can always depend on, someone they know will protect them; that is part of what a man is in our society. If she starts seeing you as feminine, this may make her feel unsafe and unprotected. And it makes you seem unreliable, because you suddenly have become something she never thought you were.


Just be prepared for for your wife's tolerance level to change. She may seem ok with it now, but may hate it tomorrow, and then who knows the next day
^this is what I went through. Her initial confusion, then investigating the world of crossdressers, we went to a crossdressing 'friendly' therapist, and then my ex discovered the support groups for wives of crossdressers; then the bad stuff happened. She started hearing all the horror stories by other wives about how their husbands were liars, continued to lie, about the crossdressers who were actually gay or transsexual, about how those men secretely fooled around outside of marriage with men, basically painting all of us as lying feminine gay cheating scum who would eventually progress to transitioning and getting sexual reassignment surgery. THis is a tale that at some point your wife will definitely be exposed to, by MANY women out there. Why? Because most crossdressers don't know why the do it. If you cannot explain to your wife why you crossdress, she will assign a reason to you, and you won't like the one that she picks, because it will be based on her worst fears.

Her reaction is just like so many others before her. It might take her time to get her head around it. But keep the lines of communication open, keep reassuring her and there's a good chance she'll accept it on some level.
That's not the general result. Remember, you're on a 'feel good' crossdresser forum. In reality, the majority of marriages probably fail. You'll find out if you decide to go to a therapist with your wife about this.

She should feel closer to you in fact as you've trusted her with your secret.
Sharing an unwanted secret doesn't bring people together. It usually drives them apart. The percentage of women that like the surpise of finding out that her husband is a crossdresser, is very close to zero. Otherwise, there wouldn't be such a huge percentage of single crossdressers.

I know this story all too well. I didn't have the advantage of "coming out" on my own terms. I was caught and had to explain.
This was my situation as well.

Your wife's reaction troubles me, and yet it's perhaps understandable. It will take a lot of patient education and learning together to convince her that gender is a characteristic separate from sexual orientation.
And separate from sexual attraction.

There are a vast number of heterosexual straight crossdressers. I'd almost venture that most CDs are straight males (without know the true stats).
About 80% of us are straight. There are some of that 80 who occasionally have had some fantasy of being fem in some way sexually, but that isn't their usual feeling or behavior. At least, not from what I've read about us over the past 40 years.

My wife had the same negative assumption that CD or trans means "gay" . It won't be easy to overcome but with patience and love you can do it and prevent panic.
^this is a big problem. As her instant assumption is that you are gay, it means that this has been her belief for a long time, that crossdresser=gay. So you're fighting to change her belief system, and every time she sees something that reinforces what she already believes, the harder it will be to change her mind. So avoid ANY mention, EVER, of you thinking of a male either romantically or sexually, or of you behaving as a woman sexually, i.e., submissive or dressed as a woman during sex. If you DO feel that way, leave it to the future when and if she suggests that you do that. Because if SHE doesn't ask to do it, she doesn't want it. Your marriage may depend on this. Avoid screwing it up any further.


The other thing that will be difficult ( but not impossible ) to re-establish is TRUST.
Unless you've been routinely deceiving her in some way with little things (doing things with your friends that you didn't tell her about, not being where you said you were, not telling her about being friends with other women and being caught at that, hiding money from her, buying stuff and not telling her) this will be new to her, and the sudden realization that you would deceive her about something this big may make her suspicious of you not telling her the truth in the future. The big one? Since you hid this, she may always wonder if you are actually TS. And this is not something that you can dismiss, especially since there is so much suggestive information out there that supports the generally held belief that lots of crossdressers are just TS who are in denial.


It isn't cheating.
Women will almost always consider any deceit as cheating of a form. They reserve the right of deceit, for themselves. Examples being how many previous lovers they had, not to mention all the ways they change their appearance.


You were almost required to conceal it.
No one will accept this excuse. Women expect complete honesty from their mate; it's even more important to women because their life can be ruined by marrying the wrong man and having his kids. To women, the relationships with others are the most important things in her life. Men, not so much. We define ourselves by what we do (and, of course, we don't include crossdressing in that, because we know it's unacceptable to over 99% of the population). Women define themselves by their relationships. Never forget that.


You're relationship has changed forever and there's no toothpaste going back into the tube. Same thing happened when I came out. My relationship with my wife of 40 yrs changed, and hasn't been the same since. Its not hurt or wrecked, and we've come a long way to living with my inner girl. But it can never be what is once was.
No, but there is a potential to make it work. I just hope your wife is very, very smart. Because those have been the only women I've known who are able to accept a guy who crossdresses. There's a whole lot of psychology involved, and very simply, most of the population doesn't have a comprehensive knowledge of psychology to draw upon when faced with a very sudden change in who they believe their mate, to be.


Hi Kimberly, Be careful not to interpret her feelings about this based on a single reaction! As others have said, she is very likely to struggle with this and change her mind about how she feels.
&

Somewhere in the back of my silly mind I thought that "Oh, these people already love me. They will readily and unconditionally embrace my life change." Wrong.
Yep, the pink fog screws with our minds. To US, crossdressing is no big thing. After all, all the good things about us MUST be more important to her, they should easily outweigh the 'little, unimportant crossdressing thing', right? NOPE. Changing how they see us from mascuine, to feminine, is perhaps the biggest change in their lives to ever occur. It's a BIG problem.

My ex wife initially hated it. I provided literature to help her learn about crossdressers, and we went to a therapist. None of that made a difference. I would forever to her be 'not the man I thought I had married'. At the therapists office, she finally admitted that had she known before we got married, she never would have married me. She continued to believe that I was just a transsexual in denial, despite everything both I and the therapist told her. She eventually divorced me with that being the main reason, she simply couldn't accept a husband that she didn't see as masculine.
Let's remember, that many women accept all kinds of things. Laziness, infidelity, drug and alcohol abuse, lack of ambition, lying, women even stay with murderers, criminals, assassins, wife beaters, etc.. But what do all those men still have in common? They're masculine, and they retain the masculine sexual appeal that women look for in men. Crossdressing often destroys that. And once it's gone, it's gone.

Good luck. You're going to need it.
And, prepare for the worst. Most marriages don't survive this, despite the success stories you will read on this forum. Yes, you might be one of the lucky ones. But the odds are against it. Prepare for the worst possible outcome, so that you won't be blindsided if it happens.

Some men come home to find all their belongings tossed out on the lawn, the locks changed, some even have restraining orders against them created by their wives making up some sort of story involving abuse or endangering children. Sure, you can fight it, but it will take time. Others had vindictive wives cancel all their credit cards, report their cars as stolen, empty the bank accounts, and sending pictures of him in a dress to his friends, family and place of work. And many of these women never gave any warning that they were going to do this.
You could easily wind up living in your car without a job, listed as a sexual predator, and broke, minus your friends, family, everything. This is a real possibility. So plan for it. Keep at least some money hidden somewhere, and some clothes (man clothes). A simple duffelbag with locking tabs at a trusted relative's house will do. Start asking around those who you know (that don't know your wife, because that WOULD get back to her, so maybe coworkers) who were divorced, which lawyers they used. Better to be prepared and not need the information, than need it and not have it.

Feel free to PM me with any questions, as I don't always come back to threads after I post something, and this forum doesn't have reliable notification system for that.

I really hope I'm wrong. But that won't change how she feels.

[Beverley Sims]

Kimberley,
We have all misread our situation with our wives at some time.
The two previous posts are important for you to read carefully, and you should probably try not to show your wife this thread, you just need to take the advice in it.

Just answer all questions truthfully and without getting too emotional.

[Kimberly Adams]

It's been a few weeks since I came out to my wife. We have a lot going on and by comparison the crossdressing has turned out to be not a big deal. My wife asked to see my pictures again tonight and she thinks I'm a mess but she seems to be into it. Said I totally look like a girl. She wants to meet Kimberly. Told me it's ok to do it occasionally. We're planning a girls night out soon - overnight at a hotel and will go to a CD friendly club to hang out. Will have someone come do our makeup - she wants her makeup done too. After reading some of the horror stories I think I'm not doing so bad. She said as long as I don't cheat she's ok with it. :)

[char GG]

Kimberly,
It sounds like you have the right idea. Many wives (that I know) say there is nothing CDing for them. Having makeup done, a night in a hotel, some clubbing means there is something in it for the couple, not just one person. Good job and best wishes for your outing.

[sarah_hillcrest]

I can't say my wife has been that understanding but not that far from it. Sounds like a wonderful and understanding woman.

[Asew]

Thanks for the update, sounds like it is going great :)

[Sarah Louise]

That's not the general result. Remember, you're on a 'feel good' crossdresser forum. In reality, the majority of marriages probably fail. You'll find out if you decide to go to a therapist with your wife about this.


And, prepare for the worst. Most marriages don't survive this, despite the success stories you will read on this forum. Yes, you might be one of the lucky ones. But the odds are against it. Prepare for the worst possible outcome, so that you won't be blindsided if it happens.



You're basing this on a view of a therapist or therapists who by their very nature usually see couples who are struggling with their relationship. They won't see many who are quite capable of working things out on their own. Therefore their experiences can't be taken as the norm.

How do you know most marriages probably fail as a result of dressing? That's quite a statement based on limited knowledge of the outcomes. The therapist doesn't know this and nor do you.

You're right that this is a feel-good forum, but your assumption must then mean that the vast majority who you say have a poor experience must then stop posting on here. This seems highly unlikely.

As for Kimberley, it seems to be going quite well so far which I'm really pleased about......

[phili]

Hi Kimberley,
I'm pleased for you, simply bc your wife is approaching rather than fleeing. We can't see what the quality of the conversations are, but you are feeling better- that's important!


I wanted to suggest that she seems to have an idea of what crossdressing for you is all about- appearance- and wanting to get her own makeup done seems like a clue that she can see that as a shared goal- just how girly can we look!

Being able to say she is ready to be with you in public and at CD sites may mean she has looked into it, and decided this isn't so bad= other people who are normal are doing it.

Lexi's cautions are all still valid-and may surface when sexual interaction comes up. Your wife may be TG or bi and just now uncovering it, but it is more likely she will want you to behave intimately in the familiar ways, and simply not be able to relate to a woman in bed.

Or she may think this is an interesting way to find out. Then the question will be what she finds out about herself and you. If you don't know how you feel or what you might want after you are allowed to dress up and be sharp looking girls together, hopefully you can tell her that. Sounds like the conversations are continuing- she is thinking about it all and asking to see the pics to check her reactions.

Setting an exploration frame around it all may make it safe. "let's see what comes up for both of us and then talk about it" Her willingness is a blessing, and she undoubtedly expects to see willingness on your part to extend yourself for her needs too!

[hellkat13]

My family has been through a massive whirlwind of trauma over the last 6 months. I made peace with the small part of me that is a crossdresser today and told my wife. We've been through so much worse (at least in my mind). I pray to God she will forgive me for hiding it and accept it. My family is the most important thing in the world to me but for reasons I won't go into today was the day. Absolutely had to tell her. She is upset. Thinks it means I'm gay. Said she feels like I cheated on her, which I 100% would never do. Not me. I showed her this site and just asked her to read. I'm sure she is freaking out.

I was super lucky that my wife was about 90% accepting right of the gate when I told her. Even with that acceptance it isn't always the easiest thing for her and she put some conditions on it that I've tried my best to honor. My best advice is to keep talking to her about it and reassuring her that she is still the priority regardless of the "hobby" or whatever you both decide to label it. It obviously varies from person to person when they find out and moderation may be the key until she comes to terms with it. I hid it from most people throughout the years fearing the reactions. I was again lucky that when I finally made the decision to tell almost all of the people that I wanted to know. I braced myself for lost friendships and hurt feelings and almost everyone started out with the are you gay question (which I'm not) but surprising everyone was just like Oh...OK, I didn't expect this from you but whatever.

[DaisyLawrence]

That's not the general result. Remember, you're on a 'feel good' crossdresser forum. In reality, the majority of marriages probably fail. You'll find out if you decide to go to a therapist with your wife about this.

Sharing an unwanted secret doesn't bring people together. It usually drives them apart. The percentage of women that like the surpise of finding out that her husband is a crossdresser, is very close to zero. Otherwise, there wouldn't be such a huge percentage of single crossdressers.

Utter buncome. Where is your data for these statements? I'm with Sara Louise on this one, only failing marraiges end up in therapy. It certainly transformed me and my wifes' relationship in a hugely positive manner. We all know your personal experiences of crossdressing and female relationships have been a total disaster but you don't need to constantly project your own misery on the rest of the membership.

[Alice B]

I am amazed at how quickly your wife has accepted and adaped, She sounds special and she really seems to love you. Keep the dialogue open and expect some bumps in the road. Make sure you thank her for her support. Look forward to hearing how things go.

[nikkiwindsor]

Certainly, for those of us whose spouse/SO knows of our feminine spirit, each relationship is unique. For me, going very slowly, following my wife's lead and being sensitive in attitude and action to her feelings and thoughts have gone a long way in making our relationship work in a positive and loving way.

[tammy1]

For years, on and off again, i would partially dress when away from home. When i came out fully to my wife, she too asked the question, "Are you gay". "Not at all" was my reply, "i just like wearing women's clothing, dressing and enjoy the feeling." That was last year. i wasn't sure what the out come would be, but together, we have been through a lot of life changing experiences: some fantastic; some not.

Your wife sounds much like mine. Over time, she has become very excepting and has proposed experimental ideas for my dress. i'm still learning make up technique, and she is helping me. Recently, she suggested that i shave my legs, surprised, but pleased, i complied...resistance was futile!

We are learning to have fun with my "hobby", although i'm a behind the door "dresser" in our home area. We have plans for further experimentation with my makeup, as i'd like to be able to enjoy most of the pleasure of creating "Tammy". i too have lost makeup to my wife's traveling bag of tricks and beauty.

Sounds like you have a solid relationship. i too had to get to that point when i had to stop hiding my desires and enjoyment of creating myself as a woman. We hope to go out together on a "girls night out" after a day of pampering, polishing, a mask and full makeup session, hot tub, maybe a mud bath, the list goes on...consider these ideas and more...some wine and dining out capped with some dancing might become fun as mentioned before: include her AND enjoy your girl time together. Something my wife and i have yet to experience but have some fun plans...

Tammy

[Alice Torn]

Lexi has been through divorce over it. Good sharing and advice.. I hope yout wife is different, and lots of good advice on here. I have never been married, but the women i know, who i told, were very disgusted, and turned off. One reason i am still single, at 64. If i want to date and marry, i will have to cut way back or quit dressing, and purge, and also destroy my pix and videos of Alice.

[QueenJeanette]

All the drama from your wife/girlfriend of coming out. I'm sure glad I didn't cross-dress before my breakup. Honestly I couldn't do it while I was in a relationship unless we both approved of it because she demanded that. I guess that's one of the biggest reasons why I ended mine. I don't agree that another person has a right to control your life, married or not. Every time I picked up a new hobby, car, or interest it was always scrutinized by her. After 20 year of that I ended it because she became a nagging insensitive bitch. I can't walk around thinking if my girlfriend is going to like my new Camera, Car, or Boat or whatever I'm doing that really doesn't even concern her. I guess she needs a man that approves of her controlling personality and that's not going to be me.

[KatrinaK]

Kimberly,

First of all, congrats on telling her. It takes a LOT of courage. Sounds like you are in a very similar place to me.

Only advice I can offer is TAKE IT SLOW. The inclination to want to do everything all at once is strong. As accepting as she’s being, she’s also going through an internal struggle. Let her set the pace, and don’t pressure her. My wife went through a bit of an enthusiastic phase shortly after I told her and it backfired on me. We’re in a much better place now, but only because I stepped back and let her set the pace.

Don’t take that to mean you shouldn’t discuss it, because you should. Be honest and open and communicate with her. Just let her set the pace as far as participation goes.

[Aunt Kelly]

Utter buncome. Where is your data for these statements? I'm with Sara Louise on this one, only failing marraiges end up in therapy. It certainly transformed me and my wifes' relationship in a hugely positive manner. We all know your personal experiences of crossdressing and female relationships have been a total disaster but you don't need to constantly project your own misery on the rest of the membership.
If there's an argument that is even less sound than one based on anecdotal evidence, it's one based on provincialism. In other words, Daisy, just because it worked out for you, does not mean that it is true for most.
Look, I am the first one to admit that anecdotal evidence is far from conclusive, but the evidence on this forum is pretty clear that, in a relationship of any significant age, coming out is, more often than not, destructive.
That said, your assertion that relationship that survive such trauma are often stronger is true, but I'd insist that far more often than not this is in spite of the revelation, not because of it.

Again, neither anecdote nor provincialism are scientifically sound arguments. I would much rather celebrate Kimberly's happiness than engage in doomsaying or some tortured debate about that which we have little sound evidence.

I am very happy for you, Kimberly.

Hugs,


Kelly

[KatrinaK]

This is not going to be a very popular post, but I’m going to do it anyway.

The ONLY position of integrity is to be honest and forthcoming with your spouse in all aspects of life. If you don’t believe me, take another look at your wedding vows.

[DaisyLawrence]

If there's an argument that is even less sound than one based on anecdotal evidence, it's one based on provincialism. In other words, Daisy, just because it worked out for you, does not mean that it is true for most.
Look, I am the first one to admit that anecdotal evidence is far from conclusive, but the evidence on this forum is pretty clear that, in a relationship of any significant age, coming out is, more often than not, destructive.
That said, your assertion that relationship that survive such trauma are often stronger is true, but I'd insist that far more often than not this is in spite of the revelation, not because of it.

Again, neither anecdote nor provincialism are scientifically sound arguments. I would much rather celebrate Kimberly's happiness than engage in doomsaying or some tortured debate about that which we have little sound evidence.

I am very happy for you, Kimberly.

Hugs,


Kelly

Firstly, I never said it is 'true for most', only that sometimesmiss has NO evidence that it is nearly ALWAYS destructive as she always describes it.
Secondly, I too was making a positive case thereby celebrating Kimberly's happiness.
Finally, 'provincialism' really? The Oxford English Dictionary describes provincialism as 'Narrow-mindedness, insularity, or lack of sophistication'. Well thank you very much Aunt Kelly, I must surely bow to your superior and more sophisticated intellect.

[Kimberly Adams]

I really appreciate all of the posts. Great advice. I'm not a compulsive dresser. Haven't dressed for two years although have wanted to. Taking it super slow, if my wife said no way don't ever do it I would respect that and not do it. But she seems very curious and wants to explore. Tonight I just showed her some of my custom made shoes from Shoes of Prey - two of the three were meh but one was - ooh I like it. She said she wished we both wore the same shoe size and could share. My wife is a girly girl and knows fashion, said she could take me shopping. I put on the pair of shoes she liked and walked around a little. Then put on a demi with some small boob inserts, pink lace panties and lace shorts and some bling flip flops. Pulled out a bag of panties from Victoria's Secret and she wanted all of them for herself. She said the girls night out is definitely going to happen, just asked me to promise not to dress without her. Fine with me. We have a busy summer with kids and the girls night out is a few weeks away at best. We'll see how it goes. Look forward to posting updates.

Kimberly

[osteph]

I am so happy for you both and have no doubt that it will strengthen your relationship.

[alwayshave]

Kimberly, I'm glad that things are working out for you. As everyone here knows, its a big gamble.

[Aunt Kelly]

I must surely bow to your superior and more sophisticated intellect.
Well..., thank you for the compliment, but really, I can only lay claim to understanding a bit more about logic ...and Google. https://www.flashcardmachine.com/fallacies7.html see the "card" about "provincialism", and then tell us how you defend this position...
...only failing marraiges end up in therapy. It certainly transformed me and my wifes' relationship in a hugely positive manner...

[DaisyLawrence]

If you are combining those 2 parts of 2 separate sentences and assuming my wife and I have been in therapy then you are mistaken because we have not and never will. Probably my fault for not checking the wording more carefully.

[Kimberly Adams]

My wife still seems cool with my dressing. Family is out of town this week and this would normally be one of my few opportunities to go full out but she wants me to wait and do it with her so I'm cool with it. We're still planning a weekend excursion but won't happen for a few weeks. She's getting a mommy makeover (surgery) next week and recovery is like 6 weeks minimum. My wife is already beautiful but will be super hot after she heals. In the mean time we're browsing online for a new outfit, wants to help me pick everything out. Says she knows the styles way better than me. I wore some pink panties the other day before we had sex and it was the biggest turn on. Can't imagine getting dolled up with her, going out for drinks, watching the drag show and then heading back to hotel to play. Feeling really blessed. :)

[Shayla]

Wow Kimberly, it sounds like you hit the lottery. Tough at first, but it seems like she has really come around to a nice level of acceptance. Did she talk to someone, or read some things to educate her, or has it just come form the two of you talking?

[Kimberly Adams]

Wow Kimberly, it sounds like you hit the lottery. Tough at first, but it seems like she has really come around to a nice level of acceptance. Did she talk to someone, or read some things to educate her, or has it just come form the two of you talking?

She has read some stuff online that I showed her and we've done a lot of talking. I think she just genuinely loves me and is accepting that this is a part of who I am and she has decided to embrace it. Said she can't wait for our girls night out experience. Lottery = yeah.

[kelly0]

Sorry, am late to this thread. Have not been on this forum too much at all lately. But i would like to chime in here as this resonates.

First of all, its soooo awesome that a CD can come on here, post her experience and get such great, real, serious support. This is one of their awesome things about the digital age. This kind of support did not exist 15 years ago. We’re lucky!!!

Kimberly - i am soooo happy for you. I have been there. Lots of great advice here, so i wont bore u with repeats. There are a lot wiser gurls than me on here. The one thing i would stress (which u have said) is take it SLOW!!!! You dont wanna stretch things and make your wife feel uncomfortable. She’s been through a lot (as u say)

If it helps, here is my experience, which i will abridge so I dont bore you ladies.

I am 46. Married for 18 years this fall. I have been dressing as long as i can remember. Like Ilene, I cant say I was courageous enough to tell her. I was caught. It was the freaking Apple photo stream thing....hahahha! I took pics one night while she was away on my iPhone. They showed up on iPad with the photo stream thing.

It was quite a shock to her to say the least. And yes, the very 1st question I got was, “Are you gay?” Fair question I think.

After a long night of talking and a weekend of hell for me (I had NO idea if our marriage was going to survive this), Monday came along and we went about our business as normally as we could. Of course it was anything but normal. I did suggest we see a therapist, which we did. And that was SUPER helpful. It was very important for my Wife to hear (from the therapist) that plenty of dudes do this. It’s harmless. And being CD does NOT mean your husband is gay.

Cannot overstate how helpful joine therapy was in my situation.

It’s been 5 years and things are great. She does not participate, she tolerates. And I get it. A few other things:

- she has NEVER seen me dressed after seeing one of those pics real quick. nor does she ever want to (at least thats what she has said)

- i tell her when i do it. Just to be honest. She knows when i work from home, and work is not crazy, that i do it

- i told her when i went to a pro makeover artist 2 years ago and got pro pics done. Told her all about it and the outfits i wore. That was fun to share with her

- she has helped measure me for a custom dress i bought. Still cant believe she did this,. She was super helpful

- she even gave me one of her old makeup bags from Lancôme. Those lil free ones they give the ladies

So, needless to say....i am super lucky. And sounds like u r too, Kimberly

Wish u ALL the best. Love to keep hearing about this journey

And kudos to all the gurls on here with the GREAT advice they relayed. What an amazing place. I need to come here more often

Sincerely,
Kelly from NJ

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kimberly :hugs:, The ball is in her court now so go Slow and easy
just don't overwhelm her with Kim.>Orchid ..O:daydreaming:O..