A choice?

[Meghan4now]

I have lived this life, and had the angst, and not always followed the best advice or even my own advice.

BUT.

We would have a lot less conflict if we made one of two choices.

Either

Stop doing things that you are embarrassed of.

OR

Stop being embarrassed by the things you do.

[Elizabeth G]

I agree. For the record I'm working on option B.

[Confucius]

If I stop crossdressing I suffer. If I crossdress, I still suffer.
In the end I just need to feel someone will stand with me.

[Judy-Somthing]

I was just thinking that this morning.

I've been buying about three dresses a week and the SA recognizes me by now and is always polite.
My wife thinks CDing "is all messed up" which makes me wonder what the SA thinks of me buying larger size dresses!

I do love the dresses and it's hard to stop when you get a $200 ALEX EVENINGS dress for $5.

This is bad!

[AllieSF]

Yeah, many people wish that life was so simplistic and easy, 2 decisions, wow. We consciously and unconsciously make many decisions all day long, most of which are very simple and some might even deal with embarrassment. The big decisions in life normally require a lot of thought, sometimes a lot of information and then the weighing of the pros and cons taking into consideration those around us that matter. I rarely use embarrassment as a major criteria in any of my decisions.

[docrobbysherry]

What Allie said.

After going out dressed in some of the ridiculous things I've worn? Being embarrassed has become like breathing for me!:heehee:

[Meghan4now]

Allie,

I never said it was simplistic or easy. I included my self as one who struggles with this. However there has been a rash of posts lately that have been a lot of hand wringing and wailing about getting caught, either in public, by neighbors, spouses etc. And questions about how to hide your tracks. All of this leading to great angst. I have been there too.

However, it does come down to a pretty basic recognition that, at the end of the day, you need to make a choice, however hard that is, as to how you are going to live a life with less suffering. Of course one can always choose to suffer as well. That is a valid choice.

I feel like we complicate it quite often. Life isn't that simple? Most often because we make it that way.

[Teresa]

Meghan,
Personally I'm beyond both scenarios , if others feel embarrassed then it's their problem . We shouldn't be made to feel that way over something we were born with and can do very little about .

Others choose to make it complicated , I've had a huge stack up with my wife over talking to mutual friends , she now says she can't face them, so I asked what difference had it made to her life now they know the facts , I replied for her saying it had made absolutely no difference at all , they are still my friends and still remain hers !

[sometimes_miss]

Embarrassment doesn't enter into the equation. I just don't want to have to deal with the potential problems that can accompany coming out. I've been through enough annoying things in my life, I don't need any more. So why invite turmoil? That, I think, would be pretty stupid, when all I have to do, is keep my mouth shut and avoid complicating my life.

[Meghan4now]

Theresa, I have considered that as well.

Lexi, I like your answer, and feel that it speaks to self acceptance. Which is path #2. It doesn't have to be "out" to choose not to feel embarrassment, guilt, shame, or crippling fear.

I can climb a mountain with the sure knowledge that a slip will kill me but still not be debilitated with fear. That knowledge will help me watch my step and footing and maintain my gear, but that's not really fear.

[phili]

I think Meghan's two path choice is correct, if we understand 'embarrassed' is sort of a catchall for all the problems we see with respect to our external environment of people and unspoken expectations. Could be simple fear of shaming to being caught with unresolved contradictory feelings, to outright rejection by others who are more altruistically focused on others.

I feel embarrassed when I insist on dressing and my wife is in pain- I feel like I am out of bounds with respect to kindness, and I feel shame for my own narrow and selfish view focused on my pleasure, or is it my identity, but then I have gone without for so long- why now?- etc.. I also feel embarrassed to be seen in a bra, since it is so clearly a bid for forbidden fruit [an intimate personal pleasure- which is supposed to be kept hidden], and I feel like I am supposed to be self-sacrificing in a mature sort of way as a man. These are all related though they feel different at first.

I could substitute 'conflict with others' for 'embarassment' as a broadly inclusive term for all the variations of what I fear.

[GracieRose]

Either

Stop doing things that you are embarrassed of.

OR

Stop being embarrassed by the things you do.
I generally do not do things that embarrass me, and I am not embarrassed by the things that I do.
However, there are things that I do that people I love would be embarrassed by, and that complicates the choice.

[Nikki.]

I concluded I felt embarrassment because I was ashamed of being transgender. So really what that meant was I had internalized transphobia; that I was transphobic. I convinced myself there was nothing wrong with being trans around the same time I started outing myself. And so now I’m no longer embarrassed :)

[AllieSF]

Only two decisions is a way to simplistic approach. I will agree with you that it may not be easy, so ignore that part of my post above. However, though some may be embarrassed, most have many other complications in their lives and a lot of fear of repercussions and even being able to just walk out the door. As others have said before on this site, people come here for all reasons, including to try to find themselves, others like themselves and to maybe find a friend and/or the courage to go out for the first time and to the point, they also come to share their woes that for you and me may may have been conquered or never have existed in the first place, at least not for me. I know that you continually try to encourage others to get out and enjoy life, which is good and admirable. However, to simplify all the complications down to your two choice based on being embarrassed is probably only applicable to a few of those who fit that situation among all the wailers. Your second post to me is more realistic here and I do agree that some of the choices that one could make fit your criteria. Very few people choose to suffer, though they may choose correctly or incorrectly to pick an option that still causes them to suffer less.

Again, based on your first post, I believe that you are wrong and that there are many more than two choices that can be made and embarrassment really is a small part of that. Yes, all of life is complicated and being somewhere under the Trans umbrella can make it even more so.

[Aunt Kelly]

That's close, Meghan, but I believe that we also need to choose to accept that this is what we are. There is no shame in that. None. Once you get to that state of mind, guilt pretty much falls away, and the choices (dress or don't, out or not, etc.) are made on a more practical and, dare I say, healthier basis.

[Nataliebabe]

Choice? Don`t think. Don`t care. Embarassed? Not anymore. I love and accept both sides of me.

[suzanne]

I like the succinct way you spelled out the choices. For me, I am a graduate of plan B.

[biancabellelover]

For me, it's not that simple.

I'm not embarrassed by my Cross dressing.

But there are people in my life who I care about who might not understand my Cross dressing. My relationship with some of them might be damaged, and some of them may cut me out of their lives.

I don't think any less of them for that. They are the product of their upbringing, and I understand that this part of my lifestyle (especially at this stage of my life) might be too much to deal with.

So I find it easier to not burden them with that choice.

As I've yet to venture out dressed and may never do so, it's not been an issue.


Michelle.

[Beverley Sims]

I suppressed the embarrassment some years ago.

Mind you I still prefer to buy lingerie dressed than in drab.

I still feel a little self conscious sometimes.

[Teresa]

Allie,
Having been through that whole cycle I believe Meghan's question isn't simplistic. You can either live with Cding or you can't , as I said in my reply I've had a huge stack up with my wife but the crux of the matter is she can't live with it because of the fear of embarrassment , I talked to mutaul friends so now she can't face them and yet she is the one that told the wife of the couple about me initially .

The more open I become the less I understand this argument , my daughter is the classic point , she sees me as the person and my needs she understands why I need to dress and is totally accepeting , so it's not scewing her up . My wife is piling pressure on her because she won't open her mind in the same way , the bottom line is embarrassment isn't the problem , my wife's problem is she has lost control over me . That is the crux of many CDers problems , the wife / partner has lost or is frightened of losing control . take another look at some of the threads and see how many times that is written between the lines .

[Roxanne Lanyon]

I do not think it is as simple as "A Choice". I am new to a lot of this, but am beginning to deal with it. At first, it seemed an interesting thing to do when alone on a weekend; sort of a self-gratifying experience. But now? I am beginning to love it, and to enjoy being the "opposite" gender! Oh my! Is there something wrong with me? Or, am I really her? I worry about the impact on my family and friends, the embarrassments, the shyness. But, as I get older, it all sometimes just doesn't matter anymore! Maybe one day, . . . .? Like I said, I am sort of new to all of these feelings, and I do worry. I sure hope, want, it all to become normal! Now, have I confused you all enough? I know I am!:bonk:

[Angela Marie]

This succinctly mirrors my views. No one knows except my wife; and she is ok with it. Not absolutely thrilled but understands. I feel no need to tell others since it would serve no useful purpose. All humans are a complex people; and none of us should be solely defined by one facet of our personality .
For me, it's not that simple.

I'm not embarrassed by my Cross dressing.

But there are people in my life who I care about who might not understand my Cross dressing. My relationship with some of them might be damaged, and some of them may cut me out of their lives.

I don't think any less of them for that. They are the product of their upbringing, and I understand that this part of my lifestyle (especially at this stage of my life) might be too much to deal with.

So I find it easier to not burden them with that choice.

As I've yet to venture out dressed and may never do so, it's not been an issue.


Michelle.

[Teresa]

Michelle,
Your last line is the one that makes the difference , " You haven't ventured out yet !"

OK no one else forces us to do it only our own minds . Once out there the ball game does change , there's no dashing upstairs when the door bell rings or the wife/kids come home and have to make excuses about our appearance . We have to come to terms with how we look and how others see us , the emabarrassed feeling has to go , and you have to find ways to educate others . The fears are mostly false ones going round in people's heads , I now ask the basic question , " What is the worse thing that can happen ? " What I'm doing isn't wrong so why should it be to others ? I'm coming to terms with my dressing needs and whatever drives it , you can't come to terms with it until you are free of this embarrassed mindset .

[GretchenM]

I like the way Meghan reduces the matter to choice. Embarrassment can be a big issue. But, IMO, one can substitute any number of other words for embarrassment and have the duality still work. What it comes down to is a matter of choice. The processes may vary widely and the motivations vary just as much, but, in the end, it is a matter of choice. However, for most of us it is not a choice of being CD or TG or TS or whatever you wish to call it. Science has shown that for most whatever behaviors we use the foundation for those behaviors is built in. What we do to deal with that built in characteristic is our choice but is just an application of methods to feel consistent with respect to feelings inside and the outside world we live in. Meghan's dual options have to do with the choices we make to produce comfort and consistency in our self concept. Although more options may be available, so long as there are options it is still just choice in the end.

[Gypsy Sam]

Great admiration for Teresa's conviction and self esteem. Presently a work associate is transitioning along the same lines as Teresa. Though most customers call her sir by the appearance she conveys, the self respect and some female attributes displayed are noticeable with no embarrassment. Snickers aplenty and contempt are present in our work place, and the young lesbians are doing there best to present a masculine presentation. For me Biancabellelover's perception works for me, as my own prejudice flares to my conscious before a reality check brings me back to place. No one said it was easy, but knowledge of your dual gender wants and needs is a better way of life.

[JeanTG]

I vote for B.

In the last two months, I have come out to 4 close (male) friends, and two female friends. Result. No drama, no change in our relationship. I have also started to go out in public, not just to buy more female things, but to run simple errands as well, though I am careful to do those in the next town over, but mostly to avoid embarrassing my wife who holds a high-profile position in town.

I've now become comfortable asking for something in a store, using the ladie's toilets, driving around etc. all en femme.

[Queen Bridget]

I don't worry about being embarrased. I worry about embarrasing other people.

I hate making people feel awkward, and my dressing would certainly do that to my friends, if I did it around them.

[Sharon budd]

Only two choices! I'm with Luke Rheinhart, definitely need more than that.

[sometimes_miss]

Allie,
Having been through that whole cycle I believe Meghan's question isn't simplistic. You can either live with Cding or you can't , as I said in my reply I've had a huge stack up with my wife but the crux of the matter is she can't live with it because of the fear of embarrassment
I think that happens a lot; because women have such an investment in being able to proudly show off to their friends what a 'catch' she got when she picked a husband. Losing all that status by having the world know that her 'catch' is a crossdresser is probably a huge let down. It can be especially hard, if in the past, she has known that people were laughing at another woman who had a crossdressing/TG husband, but of course, now that it's her, the jokes and snickers stop, at least to her face. Which is even worse, because then she KNOWS that they're laughing at her behind her back. That will drive a woman nuts.


now she can't face them and yet she is the one that told the wife of the couple about me initially
Sort of karma, she winds up feeling bad because she couldn't keep herself from talking to others outside the marriage about one of your behaviors that she didn't like.


the bottom line is embarrassment isn't the problem , my wife's problem is she has lost control over me. That is the crux of many CDers problems , the wife / partner has lost or is frightened of losing control . take another look at some of the threads and see how many times that is written between the lines .
I don't think it's usually so much control, but the perceived loss of her 'always dependable to be solid as a rock, always reliable and very stable husband' that gets them so upset. They can still control us in lots of ways, and they do, often by how much they 'allow' us to dress and such.

Reading between the lines is a dangerous thing, because you wind up believing something that can be totally erroneous, and wind up investing all your feelings into something that has absolutely no basis in reality.
Best exemplified by this old joke:

HER DIARY

Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don't know what to do. I'm sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Yankees lost, but at least I got laid.