Confused by wife's comments

[Dinsdale]

I have been confused by a comment my wife made to me the other day.
I'm very lucky to have someone who accepts my dressing and while she doesn't participate or go and buy me anything girly, accepts my crossdressing is my thing and doesn't make a big or negative deal about it.
We were watching TV the other day and saw a segment on a show recently about men's grooming and " the pretty boys look" where younger guys spend more time in the bathroom to get ready to go out , than their girlfriends
My wife made the comment that she likes "men to be men " and this is something she wouldn't like.
I pulled her up on this and said " you knew I liked to crossdress before we married , and even took part at the beginning, don't you like me to cross dress?"
She said , beneath the clothes I am still a man, and also whats inside that makes me a man.
I guess I should be happy their is tolerance and I shouldn't push my crossdressing to far, and maybe I was looking through a pink fog previously, but this comment, has made me realise , there are definite boundaries, which I didn't know before now.
Am I over thinking this?

[Linda E. Woodworth]

Yes and No.

She knows and accepts that you corssdress but has never waivered in her knowledge and belief that you are a man playing dress up. No matter what wrapping you put on the outside your still a "man" on the inside.

While you don't have to go around bare chested and covered in sweat dragging your latest kill behind you she definitely wants you to be very masculine when your not dressed.

Where are the boundary lines? That's the million dollar question.

Yes, there are boundaries which she may not have articulated and you don't know about. How's that for a minefield to navigate? Been there done that and got the scars.

Talk to her about it and try to get her to lay out her feelings on boundaries. As long as your talking things are good.

[EllieOPKS]

I think Linda hit the nail on the head. The only thing that I would add/suggest is to pay very close attention to what she said. She has her needs, desires and expectations. She's been accepting of things you do to this point. JMO

[IleneD]

...My wife made the comment that she likes "men to be men "...., She said , beneath the clothes I am still a man, and also whats inside that makes me a man.
Din, ....
No you're not over thinking this.
Feel blessed in a way that your wife has reached the point where she recognizes and acknowledges that she honors the man inside. While she obviously isn't entirely cool with your femme side, it can be her way of telling you that you are still the same person with or without the clothes.
I've been "out" to my wife of 41 yrs for about 3 yrs now. Yes, this is something we have fought about. I believe that I have fallen in her eyes, and fallen quite far considering my past professional and cultural life (career military). It was just impossible to keep a lid on my CD condition or keep it secret. One of her common commentary themes for a long time was the meme of "I like my men to be men." I don't blame her quite frankly. It's what she bargained for, AND GOT, when we married. I would catch her commenting at the TV or something on the radio. You've experienced the subtle drill. Yes, I took it as an insult and a stick in the eye.

You're beginning to realize something very important to your wife and your relationship. It is her need for affirmation. It is her own sense of womanhood at risk; at least in her mind. I know it has occurred with mine. "I don't want to be married to a woman." she's said. And I get that, and wish to respect that for the sake of continuing a loving relationship that has always served us well. She needs her man. That's understandable.
This will always be a point of conflict. It will always be a barrier. It's the point of "I don't want you to be a woman. I need you to be a man." It's one of the stakes in the ground for my relationship as I have considered how to deal with my transgenderism. It remains The Unresolved Issue. [Transition? How far?] I'd quite likely do it except for my desire to maintain the greatest relationship with a loving partner who is my best friend. We're retired. We both have earned the right to live out the rest of our lives comfortably in each others' arms. How I do that as the woman inside me, I do not know.

[NancySue]

I know what you mean. I told my wife before we married and she’s supportive. However, every so often, she’ll say something, off the cuff, that surprises me. I will give her credit, she knows when her remarks caused me stop and she more or less apologizes or will buy me something. Over all, things are good.

[Teresa]

Dinsdale,
I've checked your profile page but there's no reference to your age and how long youv'e been married or if there are children .

I can relate to your wife's reply , she married a man and that what's suppose to be on the label ! I see it now as wearing a male straightjacket we are so nailed down in a male box with all the things expected of us , at the moment you are OK with it , it may reamain like that but with a CDer there often comes the turning point when you start to ask where is my life when do I get to live the other side of me , the female trait wanting to suface more and more . I believe it occurs in twenty year cycles, many here come out for whatever reason in their forties , it surfaces even more so in the sixties , I still don't believe how hard it does hit home , just when you think life should be getting easier . This is why I made a point about your age , on more than one occasion I queried members ages only to be told they've hit thier forties ! The other point is there also many members here that Cding doesn't fully surface until their sixties , that is tough if Cding has never been an issue for much of your life .

So how to deal with your wife's comment well , it may be time to sit down and think truthfully about your needs how deep do they go ? Your wife sounds like she has a limit so can you both work something out for your future happiness . Most of us were born like it and were're stuck with it , to some it may ebb and flow or like me it's 24/7 but it will always be there . You have to admit you're a guy with a little extra hidden away I'm afraid your wife will have to start to realise what that hidden extra might mean and what it's needs are .

[Shely]

As one who get comments like this occasionally, and I am sure most of us do, I can relate. There are times when the "status quo" isn't quite what we really desire, on both sides of this issue. There are come good comments above, I don't think I can add more that already mentioned. Good Luck and Hugggs.

[Rayleen]

always keep good communication between you and partner, its always a problem solver...It worked for me.

[Leslie Langford]

Yes and No.

She knows and accepts that you corssdress but has never waivered in her knowledge and belief that you are a man playing dress up. No matter what wrapping you put on the outside your still a "man" on the inside.

While you don't have to go around bare chested and covered in sweat dragging your latest kill behind you she definitely wants you to be very masculine when your not dressed.

Where are the boundary lines? That's the million dollar question.

Yes, there are boundaries which she may not have articulated and you don't know about. How's that for a minefield to navigate? Been there done that and got the scars.

Talk to her about it and try to get her to lay out her feelings on boundaries. As long as your talking things are good.

Yes, that,...but in many respects Dinsdale's wife is also living (somewhat) happily along the banks of De Nile. Best to let sleeping dogs lie and not push too hard on that one lest he sends her over the edge and ruins what is otherwise a reasonably good thing.

[Alyssa Lane]

Ya I have heard the” i want to be with a man, not a woman” big thing there, define that, is it set in stone, or is it just an image they have set in there mind of what a “man” is?

[char GG]

Dinsdale,

I don’t want to offend anyone but here is my take on your wife’s comment:

Most women that marry men want to be with a man. Otherwise they would be with another woman and/or be with a lesbian. Since your wife is accepting (or tolerant) of your CDing, I don’t think you should be surprised or annoyed by her comment. She obviously loves you and it doesn’t sound like she tries to limit your activities.

Just my 2 cents but I think you are being hypersensitive. If you get defensive or pursue the comments, she may think you want more girl time than you already have. Again, just my opinion, I would let the comment go if I were you. But just remember, she may be missing “the man”. If you are not a full time dresser, make sure you do things as a man/woman couple.

[Diane Taylor]

My honest opinion is that this was a subtle hint that she really doesn't like your crossdressing.

[Stephanie47]

In total agreement with Diane. I think everyone can agree men who wear women's clothing are not the norm. You could interrupt her comment that underneath all the clothes you're still a man is a recognition she still see a man. And, maybe that recognition is what keeps her from elevating any issues she may have towards acceptance. Char's take on what most women envision is on par with what my wife has to say about my cross dressing.

[Beverley Sims]

Your wife has shown that she has a divided opinion about your dressing and presentation.

You do talk about it, don't close the doors by pushing it too far.

Asking for a definitive comment can be disastrous.

[sometimes_miss]

My honest opinion is that this was a subtle hint that she really doesn't like your crossdressing.

I think it's pretty commonly known, that even those who tolerate it, don't like it, and would be quite happy if crossdressing were no part of their husband's life. The number of crossdressing enthusiast wives is quite a small fraction of 1%, and the chances of finding such a woman are likely
less than winning the lottery.

[alwayshave]

Dinsdale, my wife is supportive, goes shopping with me and out to events, etc. However, the one negative for her about my dressing is the lack of chest hair.

[Marie-Jo]

If the SO in a relation has the binary model as the basic model, one simple way to handle crossdressing is to simply just look away from the disturbing details and maintain the core gender attribute. So - you are a man even if you use some feminine attires. Regarding boundaries, she did not state any from what I can read. In my line of thinking though, if you blurry her view of the male to the extent that she can not have congruence of you as a part in the model of a possible male, she may start declaring boundaries.

[Dinsdale]

Thanks all,
For those of us who are lucky enough to even have a partner that some-what tolerates crossdressing , then that shows they love and are willing to compromise , rather than totally reject it.
Whilst it is not ideal for me , as I was hoping my wife would be more supportive , I am grateful she somewhat accepts it , as crossdressing is part of who I am, and I Was upfront at the start of the relationship.
I selfishly wish my wife would be more like a partner that alwayshave , and encourages and enjoys it , but as also has been mentioned these women are like a needle in a haystack. I love my wife and will alway be open in communication with her , but understand I don't want to push my luck too far with her.
Thanks all

[KatrinaK]

My wife has said very similar things on occasion. I don’t dress around her, but she’s very accepting. Sometimes she swings back and forth between finding it sexy and WTF. You can’t buy too much into a single comment.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

No, I don't think you are overthinking it. Clear messages are always significant. Ignore them at your peril.