Is there a connection between crossdressing and being asexual?

[Leslie Langford]

Asexuality - : def: "Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality." That's a direct quote from Wikipedia.org, and is the generally accepted definition of asexuality.

I am bringing this up here to start a separate topic, as it is a point that I raised in response to a previous thread by another poster asking about a possible connection between chastity and crossdressing, but it didn't seem to gain any traction there.

I'm willing to bet that many of us here fall into the "asexual" category, because in reading numerous posts from others here who are in DADT or otherwise unsupportive relationships, it is evident that sexual activity between ourselves and our partners fell by the wayside years ago because they eventually turned their backs on us, given that we ended up not being the manly "real men" they thought that they had originally married. So, "asexual"..."forced chastity"...six of one and half a dozen of the other...terms and concepts ultimately differentiated only by nuances and semantics. Sure, advancing age often plays a role in this lack of sexual intimacy as well, but that is usually more a case of "unable" as opposed to "unwilling" in conventional relationships.

Then there are those of us who likely are (or became) asexual because the "dream girl" that we created for ourselves and embrace on a regular basis is enough to satisfy our libidos. In other words, a "learned" activity or else a coping strategy, if you will. That, of course, is the basis of much of the jealousy and aversion to our crossdressing that many of our partners who would otherwise still be willing to have sex with wrestle with, resulting in endless tensions within our relationships. So, a vicious circle in many cases...

I'd be interested to hear if other Forum members share similar thoughts, or have had similar experiences.

[sarah_hillcrest]

For me personally I was very much asexual for much of my life. While my friends would go on about their favorite models, actresses, porn stars and obsess about them I just felt very uncomfortable. I felt attraction to girls, but never that carnal kind that guys seem to express. The more I accepted certain aspects of myself the less awkward and embarrassed I felt about sex.

[Pat]

I'm willing to bet that many of us here fall into the "asexual" category, because in reading numerous posts from others here who are in DADT or otherwise unsupportive relationships, it is evident that sexual activity between ourselves and our partners fell by the wayside years ago because they eventually turned their backs on us, given that we ended up not being the manly "real men" they thought that they had originally married. So, "asexual"..."forced chastity"...six of one and half a dozen of the other...terms and concepts ultimately differentiated only by nuances and semantics.

First, I think you kind of went off the rails assigning a motive to the partners who you don't even know, but aside from that the definition of asexuality is describing an identity attribute of an individual, not the net result of a failed/failing relationship. I don't think people who are not having sex because their partner doesn't want sex are asexual. Asexuals are people who don't have sex because they don't want to. Not because they settled, or accepted, or are dealing with "enforced chastity."

[Stephanie47]

Forgetting issues surrounding the aging process I would think it is obvious introducing cross dressing into a relationship when none had been presented before has the potential to wreck the romance. Perhaps, even when cross dressing was presented prior to marriage or prior to hopping in bed it can wreck a relationship. Knowing of cross dressing is not akin to living with a cross dresser. Isn't it the old "lying by omission." "Are there other secrets?"

Perhaps, the wife cannot separate the two entities she is confronted with every day. Maybe during the day when doing those mundane things of marriage there is no sexual stimuli. But, when the thought of bedroom play arises does she think about what her husband is thinking of? Does he think he is the woman in the bed? Is the nightgown she is wearing something he bought to envision himself in it? Those are some of the thoughts that went through my wife's mind. She told me not to buy her any more lingerie.

It was sort of funny in the sense before we had "The Talk" she thought her husband wearing a nylon nightgown was 'kinky fetish sex' with benefits for her. When the discussion of my inner feeling came into play, she was totally turned off. She did not marry a woman. It took awhile to get past that hurdle. Maybe, a woman has to come to feel there are no more secrets, and, who she is now seeing is the end of it. I choose to keep my desires private. I do not modify my body. I do not try to creep cross dressing into our lives. She knows she does not have to compete with another woman, even if that woman is within me.

I'd also pose the question. How would you expect a wife to handle the sudden revelation her husband is a non practicing gay man? Even if the physical sex is great, what of the spiritual or mental issues surrounding such revelations?

[Asew]

There are many paths to crossdressing, and I agree asexuality could be one. I think an asexual person might also be more likely to be non-binary since they don't need to play one of the two gender roles for the sex side of things, but this is just conjecture.

But for me I think it is quite the opposite. I think my sexual attraction to women but a failure in romantic relationships was a driving force to wear women's clothes. Not so much to create a "dream girl", but to be able to enjoy that femininity since most GG beat out any girl version of myself.

[AllieSF]

I have to agree with Pat on this one. It doesn't mean that there are not asexual transgender people. If you want to say that because of DADT lack of sexual interest by the non-trans SO thus causing the same in the trans partner, as you called it "forced chastity", OK, I get that, but it should not be called asexual in my opinion. Actually, your "forced chastity" may be a good description for lack of another term, or "forced abstinence".

[Helen_Highwater]

Leslie,

An interesting and thoughtful proposition well described and I for one can see there's a certain logic to it. The thing I would question is if the loss of sexual intimacy any lesser or greater within our community or outside of it?

True it's often reported here but we're a community that's willing to share our thoughts and emotions. It's not something that's likely to be admitted to in more macho environments. As many come out to their SO's in later life, well into the marriage it could be difficult to separate that loss of intimacy from being due to aging from the revelation of CD'ing.

I have no idea if there are any figures available to prove/disprove the hypothesis but nevertheless it's one that's entirely plausible.

[Robertacd]

I believe Allie is right with the forced abstance term for DADT situations. Because asexual implies that you have no sexual attraction or desires.

Don't confuse being denied sex by your partner and not seeking sex outside the marriage with not having any sexual attraction or desires.

Personally my relationship with my wife is far from asexual.

[Sashauk]

Prior to, and during my marriage I was always a typical heterosexual. But since my divorce over 30 years ago I have not been in, or wanted, a sexual relationship so I consider myself asexual these days. I'm not sure that being a crossdresser has had anything to do with that - it's just the way I am.

[Alice Torn]

I am 64, always single, never had any penetration sex in my life. i have been attracted sexually to some women, but not most, for sure! I may love a woman's hair and face, but have zero desire to bed her. i have some male shame to be honest, and never have shown my male plumbing to any female, but my sister saw it, when i was 14, and broke my leg. She has never allowed any man to touch her all her 70 yrs! i like having women friends, but would not try to have any sexual relations with them. When i am dressed up a a lady, i have strong feelings of wanting to be with a man, as a lady, though. I do not understand myself.

[Rayleen]

I do not believe there is a connection between CD and asexuality .

[Nikkilovesdresses]

"Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity...."

'...in reading numerous posts from others here who are in DADT or otherwise unsupportive relationships, it is evident that sexual activity between ourselves and our partners fell by the wayside years ago because they eventually turned their backs on us...

You seem to be lumping asexuality in with plain not getting laid. My wife and I rarely have sex, which seemed to be triggered by her menopause, but that doesn't mean I'm asexual- I'm simply not willing to jeopardise our marriage for the sake of finding sex elsewhere.

[Beverley Sims]

Well reading the definition of asexual.......

No!

[Millisense]

Hi Leslie, interesting question. Can only answer for myself and say I'm not asexual, same amount of activity and same orientation before and after resuming crossdressing. I don't create or imagine a female persona when I dress though, nor do I have an aware partner, so I would't fit into the particular CD types to which you refer.

[Rachael Leigh]

Never really thought of my low sex drive being something my crossdressing hurt but it is an interesting thought.
It’s certainly possible and something to think about for sure

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

i may not be totally 100% asexual Leslie but have never had a strong sex drive vis a vis women.
my wife has often complained that i am not interested in sex, but since i came out to her about
Giselle 7 yrs her interest in me sexually has waned considerably.
i do believe that i was born in the wrong body at times and only loving and be respectful of
my wife has stopped me from pursuing a relationship with a man or other cd.
i have struggled all my life with my sexuality and i believe my cding has contributed to this



e with my sexuality and i believe my cding has contribued

[Janine cd]

I'm in the same situation as Giselle. I have never had a strong sex drive and have never enjoyed sex. It was more of a relief of tension and never really enjoyable. Maybe I was destined to be a man searching for the feminine being hidden in me.

[jayme357]

I’m confused and struggling with this whole conversation. I have adored woman since I was four years old. I have an enormous sex drive. No such thing as too much. “Wife” of nearly 30 years lost all interest in sex after menopause. Not only sex but affection as well. I am so lonely I could scream. I’m in a reasonably supportive relationship but in my heart of hearts I know she would rather the whole thing go away so I do everything possible to respect her feelings. The only time I dress is when she is out of the house. Result? No sex, no intimacy, precious little affection. Two hour time blocks now and then to be me. Am I screwed up or what?

[Cassandra Lynn]

So, "asexual"..."forced chastity"...six of one and half a dozen of the other...terms and concepts ultimately differentiated only by nuances and semantics.

Ummmm, no. And it's not nuance and semantics either. The clarifier is right in the first sentence...….I took the liberty of underlining.


Asexuality - : def: "Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality."

Forced, or consensual (chastity is a practice often undertaken by willing husbands in female led relationships) chastity doesn't preclude desire, attraction, interest or willingness, only ability.

Now, all the other stuff that happens in relationships which you mentioned, can nuance and semantics determine calling a non-sexual relationship, an asexual one? And does CDing play a part in that? Have at it.

Cass

[Kiwi Primrose]

Both my wife and I have always had strong heterosexual drives, diminished now by age. There has never been asexual feelings and my dressing has often played a part in our intimacy with no hint of bi-sex.
I crossdress often, she doesn't, but our roles in the bedroom are strong and straight.

[Teresa]

Leslie,
Maybe a can of worms opened up here !

So talking personally , my wife dropped all intimacy over ten years ago , for a fully functioning male that's not easy and leaves very few choices if there are still sexual needs . We had this converstion several times but both accepted that I might have well gone off and had affairs through this lack of intimacy BUT ! my CDing actually kept me in check enough to keep me from straying .

That brings up the second issue with me of AGP , literally loving oneself as a woman but on the whole I don't consider myself asexual, my deep need is to share my needs with a woman . I've touched on this before by suggesting being a male lesbian but also got a rough ride , there are mixed feelings over this label. ( I hope it doesn't sidetrack this thread ) So could you reword the question and call it , " Enforced chastity " ? I would still like to find a partner ( GG ) to share my needs with . Some members are just going to say it can never happen, it's wishful thinking ! I'm more inclined to Never say Never ! None of us know what is round the corner especially when we're not openly looking for it.

So the bottom line is if the T is still flowing the sexual need will be there , how it gets satisfied is up to the individual . I did ask the question of what might happen if the T level drops naturally or thorough hormones , how much would my sexual needs and prefernces change ? Maybe you could suggest hormones are a natural from of chastity but then chastity suggests there is still a sexual need that's not being satisfied .

[GretchenM]

I think that if asexuality is a form of sexual orientation then asexuality is acting independently of gender identity and expression, IF the person is transgender. If the person's sexual identity, even with crossdressing, is cisgender and that person is asexual then it is simply their individual sexual orientation which may be a choice, compulsion, or genetic imperative.

I think it is a big mistake to put sexual identity, sexual orientation, and gender in the same bowl and stir. The science shows all three have only very limited connections and come from different portions of the brain, although orientation and identity may both come from the emotional brain (limbic system). This has also been the accepted concept in the transgender community. Clearly there are some functional links, but it is not believed that one causes either of the other two.

[Jennifer_Ph]

I just plain hate having sex. Always have, and always will.

[alwayshave]

Not asexual at all. Never have been. As someone in an relationship with a supportive wife, she uses my dressing to lure me in sexually. So my dressing is not asexual.

[Stacy Darling]

The connection for me is that whilst I could be sexually attracted to a very wide range of persons, it is the people themselves which are becoming less attractive due to their non-accepting attitudes. Just the connection which I see though!

I do believe that my "dream girl" may have some self satisfying effect on my being?

Now to rethink of how "I really do love myself" then hey???

Stacy:<3:

[JeanTG]

Well I am in a hostile DADT situation (and the marriage may very well be over because of it), and have been cut off of sex as a result, and yes it's because I didn't turn out to be the manly man she desired, even though I came out to her well before marriage and she seemed to like me precisely because I was not a typical "macho" male.

But I am by no means asexual; I still have erotic thoughts, and masturbate regularly (whether en femme or not; it's not connected to my presentation, but to my horniness). Yes with age my libido and erectile capacity have declined, but not enough to completely erase sexual desire. I am not, however, particularly interested in finding another sexual partner, whether I stay "married" or separate. At least not at this time. If ever I do, it's bound to be hard finding a woman interested in a person with gender dysphoria.

[Vickie_CDTV]

You are confusing asexual with "involuntary celibacy". Someone who is asexual isn't attracted to others. An "incel" is attracted to others and wants sex but cannot have it for whatever reason. Similar to those in DADT relationships. And a sexless marriage is common after disclosure, I have known zillions in that situation over the years.

I crossdress but I am sure not asexual, buy any stretch of the imagination. I am forced to live without intimacy because women do not find me sexually attractive (not "man enough".) Definitely not something I want or chose, to put it lightly.

[Millisense]

Am I screwed up or what?
Sounds normal Jayme based on other monogamous relationships here and not here.
"Monogamy" is twice as bad as two four-letter words to some people, but then a sacred 8-letter word like "precious" and "covenant" to others.
I feel for you though when you said: "two hour time blocks now and then to be me."
Don't you deserve to simply enjoy your life?

[Marie-Jo]

Connection between Asexuality and Crossdressing – I do not see a significant connection unless someone presents some correlations and figures. I can not see that not having sex is the same as asexuality.The latter is probably just a small subset.
Regarding crossdressing and sex drive – I have had some fears that it would lessen the interest in sex, for me as well as for my wife, but that has not happened. She sort of endure my crossdressing and does not see me as a woman, even when dressed. Fully dressed I certainly distorts her picture of me as her male partner but slight crossdressing like use of skirt and top, a little makeup and some more feminine traits seem to be filtered away. We here in this forum seem to differ widely with regards to how a SO reacts.
I certainly do not ”fall into the "asexual" category”and when my wife sometimes has shown less interest, the CD-ing has been a powerful inspiration for me to find stimulating sex activities.Even in times when my wife and I have had a low level of intimacy, then CD activities have been a sensual and sexual stimulation to me. I would say that CD has for me been a help to keep a sustainable level of sexual activity, even now when entering the age of 70. My wife and I enjoy sex once a week and I’m following doctors recommendation to do some training in between, according to his warning ”if you don’t use,it you loose it”.
But I’m not CD-ing in bed. We are having sex naked. She would not like me to have bra with sillies or stay-ups etc, when having sex. I would not rise that topic either even if I can see some interesting sensations from it.
Regarding the ”chastity” aspects.I have learned that there are many both men and women who are denied sex by their partners, so there are many other causes behind such situations, more than CD-ing even if it may be a part of the problem in some cases. To some SO may crossdressing inhibit intimacy and in effect inhibit sex in the relation but that is not asexuality.
Most of those who I have learned that they are denied sex have not described themselves as asexual, but rather that they have a big sorrow and are missing sex. If they were asexual they would probably not see it as a problem but a fortunate situation and would not mention the subject. On the other side, some asexual persons put big emphasis on other aspects of intimate relations. They may still like intimacy, all but … If denied that, it may be a problem to them.

[IamWren]

Then there are those of us who likely are (or became) asexual because the "dream girl" that we created for ourselves and embrace on a regular basis is enough to satisfy our libidos.

I think your concept of the term asexual might be a bit off. One doesn’t become asexual or is asexual because of some reason. One either is or isn’t. It’s like saying someone is or became homosexual. I don’t think it really works that way.

One may become celibate voluntarily or through circumstance but not asexual.

[Tamroi]

Amazon offers amazingly many chastity cages.
I suppose they are for sissy slaves.
I've never tried it. Have you?
Is it possible to find a master by dressing with a collar?

[Tracii G]

Leslie it seems to be true in your case and may very well be in other cases but I wouldn't think there is a hard and fast rule that one leads to another.

[ellbee]

Eh, to put it bluntly, one could argue that at different periods in my life, I was genuinely & effectively either hetero, bi, or asexual, for any given extended time (talking years).

There may have also been a couple shorter periods where I was pretty much attracted only to TS's.


Can it change like that? I dunno. But that's how it was with me, and I'm probably not typical of many CD'ers.

And I know that it's two separate things, but my identifying-gender had kinda been in flux during all this, as well. It's my opinion that it did indeed play a role in my shifting sexual orientation. But, what do I know? :D


For the record, my main "default" has always been hetero, with a slight leaning towards asexuality... Which is where I am today.

I'm happy with it. :)

[AllieBellema]

I'm asexual, but I've never considered a connection between the two. Just never had interest in being in a sexual relationship. I crossdress because I enjoy doing it.