The End of Sara

[Sara Jessica]

Life conspires in mysterious ways.

I have been treading water in many respects. Career, a voluntary job change to jumpstart my previous trajectory. That is all good. Family, yep. I can check that box as well. But when all is said and done, there is a casualty. Mercifully, my lifelong gender issues have faded into the background. Part of it is acceptance of my lot in life, the life I chose to pursue. In that respect, I have never been more content. But there are other issues which supersede everything and I have found that my inner contentment and/or acceptance of who and what I am no longer demands outward expression in any way, shape or form. Neither at home nor out & about in this wonderful world of ours. The thought of wearing much of anything from my wardrobe is utterly foreign.

Tomorrow I will remove an important aspect of my being which I have held close for nearly 10 years. The hair that has become an integral part of my very being, cutting it off. I no longer own a wig, gosh knows what happened to it. I recall sending one to a member here who strangely never got it. But my last one, who knows what happened to it? I wish I could say I have a farewell outing in me to give it one last glorious shot but I don't. I have time off for the holiday next week but I cannot be bothered. Tomorrow is a great opportunity for excision, I'm intent on taking advantage.

This isn't a goodbye thread, I know those aren't allowed. I will still read and participate here. Heaven forbid my honest nature might become more sharply focused. If this proves to be temporary in any way, I'll be the first to admit and embrace it. But alas, I'm shedding the skin of gender expression in a way that I could have NEVER envisioned. This could be a step towards another plane of existence, yet when it comes to gender, I am strangely at peace. The vice which previously held my heart in check is now refocused in a different way. It feels exactly the same but the root cause is undoubtedly different. Just like I'm still the same.

But undoubtedly different.

[LeslieSD]

Hey Sara, I don't know what happened, and life is different for everyone. But do you have to cut your hair? Do you do that just to make a point to yourself? I definitely don't want to see you leaving here. You will be around, right?

[bridget thronton]

I wish you peace and happiness as you move forward - I have enjoyed reading your posts for many years

[GretchenM]

I certainly wish you luck in this transition. It sounds like you are well centered in this action and have worked it out pretty well. I hesitate to say this, but I am sure you are aware that for many this kind of action turns out to be temporary and the feminine in us eventually returns in full force. Maybe you are an exception. That said, continuing to do the crossdressing thing when your identity is headed in the other direction is not healthy and just as bad as forcing yourself to do anything that is contrary to the internal messaging from your brain and is potentially a fundamental part of you. Forcing never really works. Follow the path you are now moving into and make the best of that quest. But don't be surprised if it changes again at some point in the future. After 73 years I have made so many shifts back and forth I lost count. But one thing I learned is to comply with my inner feelings, irrespective of which way I was going, enjoy and make the best of the change. Don't worry about changes that may or may not occur in the future but keep the knowledge that change may occur again in your back pocket, just in case. Good luck. I am sure you will do fine in your new direction. I always found that was true no matter which way I was traveling.

[DIANEF]

Sara, this may be permanent, it may be temporary, only you will know. Whatever your future holds, I wish you the very best.
Diane.

[phili]

Congratulations, Sara! Your voyage into peace is a very desirable outcome, and I'm happy for you. One more mystery of gender- how resolution can appear. If you have time, please tell more- what is filling your heart now?

[Tracii G]

Finding inner peace is a great thing you should expand on it however you can.
If it means giving up one thing so be it.
You know who you are and you have nothing to prove so its all good.

[Pat]

Best of luck. Follow your happiness wherever it takes you. We'll be interested in your updates.

[Shely]

It sounds like you have found the magic door. I wish you all the best luck a person can possible have. God Bless!

[Meghan4now]

Sara, Or the artist formerly known as Sara,

I wish you well. You've been one of the bright spots here. Mature and thoughtful. If this is pemanent, I would not be surprised, if it is not, I won't be overly dissapointed. You strike me as someone with will and conviction, and I truly wish you all the peace and happiness in the world as you move forward. Keep the rest of us in your prayers from time to time.

With love and admiration,

Your pal,
-Meghan for now

[Sara Jessica]

I appreciate the kind words but again, this is not goodbye. Maybe there is a little too much drama in the thread title. This is just a goodbye to the hair that can be taken out in the wild sans wig or carefully coiffed the rest of the time to easily pass for any other mop of dude hair. This isn't really goodbye to Sara (gosh, I hate speaking in the third person like that), she is still in my heart. But the above referenced vice is keeping her at bay, trapped in my heart and unable to see a day when she'll be let back out. And just to be clear, there is nothing going on which is preventing me from expression other than myself. I travel more in my new job than ever before and I can create outings easier than ever with no one preventing me from doing so.

And again, I am not running away from these pages. There is some seriously pure entertainment that crops up from time to time while at other times, I have come across people who seem to be very similar in world view to myself for whom I can offer help. But like I said, one thing I can promise is the most important thing we can offer in a place such as this. Honesty.

[kimdl93]

A decade is a long time and maybe a meaningful milestone has been passed. I have no doubt that one can be true and honest to oneself and others without wearing it on your sleeve, or your head, as the case may be.

I know you'll stick around, but even if you take a brief or permanent hiatus, its ok. None of us knows what change may be waiting around the bend. Enjoy the new challenges and opportunities to come!

[Beverley Sims]

Sara,
I will be watching for progression or even regression reports from you.

I have seen others do similar things, the most common of course is purging of clothing, for other actions of a more positive nature it seems that a change in lifestyle and relationships have a greater effect.

I wish you well for the future.

[Sara Jessica]

Hey Sara, I don't know what happened, and life is different for everyone. But do you have to cut your hair? Do you do that just to make a point to yourself? I definitely don't want to see you leaving here. You will be around, right?

Yes Leslie, very insightful point. You are entirely right and for better or worse, I can confirm that I have in fact made the point.

[Abbyru1]

Inner peace-- the real final frontier? Happy trails where this endeavor takes you.

[michelleddg]

Sara, dang, sounds like there is a pink antidote pill, you found it and took it. Godspeed! On the hair, funny, mine has been down to my bra strap for 8 years, but it's never been gender expression, I always wear a wig. Rather, it's a freedom statement from 32 years of a coat and tie corporate existence. I like my hair, as does my wife, it's fun and rebellious, but I'd be fine cutting it off. Hugs, Michelle

[Sara Jessica]

Michelle, you are wonderful! As for the pill, I didn't want it. Nothing has changed aside from expression. I feel as if I have locked her up and tossed away the key. At the moment, my feelings are mixed.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sara :hugs:, Nothing in this life is permanent, but

Crossdressing is like the Mafia, You just can't quit .


I wish you luck in your new life's adventure.

Don't purge just store things away, Purging can be very expensive!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>Orchid..O:daydreaming:O..

[Sarah Doepner]

Sara,

May your path lead you to smiles and love and peace of mind. And of course when you need a little humor or drama, maybe it will run through these parts from time to time. There will be a candle in the window and a seat at the table (and since you might be dressing more comfortable, you'll actually be able to sit down!)

Sarah

[Lana Mae]

I will miss Sara but wish you all the peace and happiness in the world! We are here if you need to return! Even if it is to just get a few laughs! Hugs Lana Mae

[Jenny22]

Sara, my OC friend, if there's a new calling, such as you've had, changes must often be made. I'm so glad you recommented to help clear things up. Its good to know that girl Sara is not going to disappear. I wish you well and happy times as you travel your own yellow brick road.

[Aunt Kelly]

At first, I was thinking, "Oh no. This sounds like a purge...", but on reading your post again, I can see that, while their are similarities, it's not that. What I see now is just one of the swings that the gender-fluid have to deal with. And you seem to be handling in masterfully, accepting rather than fighting. That's the important thing, no matter which way the pendulum is swinging.

Good luck on your new "plane". :)

[Jaylyn]

Sara I hate to see you cut your hair. Mine has gotten so thin and balding I just hate to cut mine but after reading everything you wrote I know you feel it's the right thing to do. I also thought you were leaving until I read all your posts. Good luck and hope you find peace and happiness.

[docrobbysherry]

Sara, I hope you're ok? I've missed my time with Sara. I'll bet Alice has, too!:straightface:

But, the important thing is whether or not u miss her!?:battingeyelashes:

Nice to hear she's not vanishing into that good goodnite yet!:hugs:

[susie evans]

Hi Sara
Looks like you at are a real good place in your life I am happy for you I have had this happen to me , one time it lasted almost 10 years that Susie just took a break , I had another friend that did the same thing about 20 years ago and Karen is still on vacation he still get together some times for dinner susie and him and his wife , you just never know I wish you the best keep in touch
Susie

[Kiwi Primrose]

Sara, it seems one door iis closing and another has opened. All the best as you go through the new door.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hmmm. You seem very sure of your feelings, yet you speak of continuing to visit here, so there's still a part of you that wants the sisterhood.

Sara may not let go as easily as you currently suppose.

My guess is that those who have really moved on/away from crossdressing simply vanish from the forum without warning, never to be heard of again.

You wrote an above-average length post telling us about your intentions... you may well think you've finished with Sara, I just doubt that she has entirely finished with you.

[Leigh_n_il]

Sara, good luck on your new adventure. I understand the feelings you expressed very well myself. While you may share your outward appearances and the desire may wane as you move forward, be assured that Sara will not be too far below the surface. You will be surprised when she might bubble up. Don't be scared, she is just part of you.

[Stephanie47]

I hope the new direction taken will be fulfilled. I went back and perused your threads reaching back ten years. The manner in which you have expressed yourself over these years has been elegant. God speed to you on your journey.

[DaisyLawrence]

Sara, I know exactly what you are talking about. I still need day to expression in many ways but doing the 'full woman' is more occasional and mostly for fun. I think the contentment comes from the knowledge that everyone I know now knows that I am not your typical bloke and that gives me peace. The outward expression I do every single day is enough to maintain that perception of me and I am accepted as different and treated respectfully so my gender issues have largely evaporated. Glad to here you will be sticking around with your honest take on things. :)

[Debs]

good luck, dont purge, put into storage for a while, believe me, I lost all, and I mean all feelings or urge to dress for 2 years, and then my lifestyle changed, and boom back with a vengeance , sorry agree with some of the members on here, its always there in your head somewhere, its just hiding for a while. This is my personal feelings, and it may be different for you, you may be right and have shed your cocoon and become the butterfly and got away, but best of luck.

[Lacey CD]

I wish you all the best in wherever this new direction takes you. It's a strange feeling to let go of something that has been a part of you for so long. While your declaration is surely a conscious choice, I imagine how you arrived at it was something much more subtle and derived over a period of time. I went through a similar experience a few years ago which oddly, led me to the NB/TG forum. While my outcome is somewhat different than yours, the peace I felt and still feel is familiar. What we wear and how we choose to express ourselves is in the end, not very important in the grand scheme of things. What is important is how we love and are loved.

Yesterday, family and friends gathered to say goodbye to Miss Jeannie, the matriarch of our small, ragtag church. What struck me so deeply was that no matter who spoke, be it a son, granddaughter or non family member, they all called her friend. She would take anyone in without judgement or agenda and when you were talking with Miss Jeannie, she listened intently to whatever you were saying. She was truly interested in you! You always came away feeling better about yourself and the world in general. You just knew, everything was going to be alright. Miss Jeannie had something that is a rare commodity in this world, true peace. My hope is this new direction in your life brings you a step closer to finding that kind of peace, we need a lot more of that right now. God speed!

[Alice Torn]

Sara, I am surprised, but appreciate your honesty over the years, and that you are doing what is best for you at this time. part of me would like to be gone with this desire completely, and, or to keep it very very seldom acted out. It is so very lonely for some of us, and single too. One day at a time

[Judy-Somthing]

This CDing thing does take quite a lot of my free time I know it could be spent on other things.

[Rogina B]

I find most of the responses,so OFF the mark ! However,as I scan the avatars and the date they joined the forum,I realize they aren't aware of Sara's story. Sara stated long ago that "it isn't about the clothes"..It is an identity issue...GENDER ! She told her Wife that she was TG before they were married and has created a life that has allowed her "releases" of who she really is to a world outside of her "no fly zone"..Her kids are older,and life changes for all of us. Right now her life schedule is full...

[Rebecca W.]

Dear Sara Jessica,
We all experience changes in our lives, and dealing with those changes is what makes you the person that you are. May the road ahead give you the continued happiness that you desire.

Best Wishes,

Rebecca

[Rhonda Jean]

I had to have a while to think about this one. Thought I might come up with something profound. Didn't happen.

I can't help but be a little envious. At this particular point I can't imagine stopping, but I'd like to be at a point where I could manage it instead of it managing me. I'll cut through all the particulars and say that at the very least this thing is one hell of a security blanket for me. Odd that something that is a matter of such conflict can be a source of security, but so it is. As much as I love all this, it must be quite a relief and a revelation to feel that you can just move on with a singular identity and a singular life. I hope it works out that way for you. No shame if it doesn't, or if it does.

I wish you the best, Sara.