Passing

[sally stone]

Passing

There was a time when I thought passing was a necessity. Passing, the ability to be recognized as a “real” woman, would allow me to move around in public without having to deal with any of issues that might result, when someone recognized my birth gender.

So, for the longest time, I found myself consumed by the need to pass. Unfortunately, I possess secondary male characteristics that are impossible to completely hide. No matter how hard I tried to feminize my appearance, there was always enough maleness showing through to give me away. Even after perfecting my camouflage skills, my feminine persona has never been absolutely foolproof.

Knowing that I was going to be clocked most of the time, caused my ventures out into public spaces to be stressful and generally uncomfortable. The nervousness that resulted, tended to mute any enjoyment, and kept me from achieving full, feminine self-expression.

Finally, though, I experienced an epiphany of sorts. I began to realize that my need to pass, was being fueled by the belief that I needed to look authentically feminine to express what I was feeling inside. I was trying to measure my femininity based upon how I was being perceived by others. I was trying to achieve an aesthetic that would satisfy others, an aesthetic by the way, that was virtually impossible for me to achieve. What I finally realized, was, the only important aesthetic, was the one that pleased me.

As soon as I stopped worrying about what other people thought of my appearance, and focused on the appearance that made me feel feminine, I was instantly liberated. I accepted the fact that I was never going to pass as an authentic woman, and in doing so, I freed myself of all the stress and discomfort that was hindering my self-expression.

I would like make a personal observation about the concept of passing. I have learned that passing has a lot less to do with my looks and way more to do with how I present. Presentation is the real key. When I take the time to dress nicely, carry myself in an unassuming feminine manner, and do it all with confidence, I find myself “passing” in spite the fact that some of my physical, male attributes might be showing.

When I stopped worrying about how I was being perceived by others and began satisfying my own sense of feminine beauty, I discovered the means to achieve real, feminine, self-expression. My external expression of femininity had finally mirrored the way I was feeling on the inside, and when that occurred, others began seeing the woman I was always trying to be.

Hugs,

Sally

P.S. In the interest of full-disclosure, I have published this article on other transgender sites, so if sounds familiar to you, it is probably because you've read it before. Since I am relatively new to this site, I thought I'd start posting with something I've already written and published.

[Aunt Kelly]

As soon as I stopped worrying about what other people thought of my appearance, and focused on the appearance that made me feel feminine, I was instantly liberated. I accepted the fact that I was never going to pass as an authentic woman, and in doing so, I freed myself of all the stress and discomfort that was hindering my self-expression.

I would like make a personal observation about the concept of passing. I have learned that passing has a lot less to do with my looks and way more to do with how I present. Presentation is the real key. When I take the time to dress nicely, carry myself in an unassuming feminine manner, and do it all with confidence, I find myself “passing” in spite the fact that some of my physical, male attributes might be showing.

Thanks for the thoughtful post, Sally. You've confirmed yet again, what many of us have been saying - stop worrying about "passing". Most of us don't, and never will, but we don't need to. Present appropriately, in dress and decorum, and most people will "play along", which is to say that they will treat you has the woman you are clearly wanting to be. And as you've learned, carrying yourself with confidence will indeed help you escape notice a fair amount of the time. That's not passing. It is blending. Don't think that I don't think that blending is not an accomplishment. Managing to escape notice to the point that you don't get that second look, wherein all those impossible to completely hide cues are actually noticed, is no small feat. One out of a hundred of us, maybe, will "pass" at that point, but the combination of appearance, mannerisms (gait is a big one), will keep many of us from reaching that point in many situations.

Again, good show, Sally.

[Helen_Highwater]

Sally,

What you describe is somewhat of an epiphany for so many of us. That moment of realisation that you're never going to truly pass for a woman but that's not what's important. I look upon it as hiding in plain sight. The ability to merge into a crowd. To not look out of place. To be able to move in a femme way, to carry yourself with confidence.

I can remember the moment as I walked towards an SA to pay for a bra and knickers that I said to myself, "You know she'll read you, just don't care". From that point on the though of passing ceased to exist for me. The removal of that weight has been liberating.

There have been many posts relating to the pro's and con's of passing but of late more and more are writing about blending being much more important and moreover more achievable. Blend with a dash of confidence and the world's your oyster.

[t-girlxsophie]

In my opinion worrying about passing is in itself counter productive.I don't pass and if I stillI worried about it I would never go out the door. I learnt through time that to be reticent or to worry about passing when your out actually brings on unwanted Attention.Ithink it affects your posture etc. when your out be confident and don't worry what others may think. I Also believe other ppl are too busy with their own lives to bother unduly about something that will be out of sight in 2 secs, of course this is my opinion others may not agree

Ps I agree about blending in

Sophie

[Rachael Leigh]

Sally you have nailed it this is a great way for us all to look at this. Myself I got over worrying about passing about a year ago and yes it just makes going out feel much more normal. As long as I’m dressed approately for where I’m going and
I do my best in mannerisms most never give me a second look, I’m just a tall girl to most. It is very liberating indeed

[Tracii G]

I am glad you came to that realization and yes it its a very freeing feeling.
I came to that realization 7 years ago and it was a mind blower for me so I know how you feel.
Its all about presentation and attitude. The passing part becomes not such a huge deal once you figure out its not about passing in the literal sense.

[Stephanie Julianna]

I could not have put it any better. I have been "passing" for decades in public as a woman and it was because I had come to the same realization that you have. If the first inpression you give is that of a confident woman than many of the imperfections are overlooked. The reality for GG's is that they have just as many visual flaws as we do. And like us, some are better at enhancing their better features and down playing their faults then others. It is really no differnet in the world of GG's or in our world of crossdressing. Many of us can "pass", flaws and all and enjoy the world from the view of women. For some, I realize that no amount of confidence can change that if you are built like a lineman for the Packers of you are sweating testosterone from every pore. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be for some but God has a plan and is not in the habit of sharing what it is. So if the stars are aligned for you, as they are for many here, enjoy passing and go shopping.

[Kiwi Primrose]

You have got it right, you may not pass but you can still enjoy the feelings however far you go. And if you are confident in public nobody will think anything more than maybe you are a little eccentric.
You should find this site suits you as it does me; there are no extreme photos or stories or egos. Nobody is making a joke of wearing/showing themselves in transparent underwear.

[Alice_2014_B]

Confidence, as you alluded to, is the real key to really just enjoying going out and enjoying yourself.
:)

[Rayleen]

Just wondering...Is Mannerism the key to passing ? after your appearance is feminise.


Rayleen

[kimdl93]

I totally get it. Passing is a fools errand for the majority of us, but 100% of us can be ourselves. My goal is neither to draw attention to myself, not to hide from view. I just want to express myself honestly, comfortably and respectfully.

I didn’t expect to attain pretty or passable. So, the initial nervousness dissipated quickly as I realized that most people either didn’t notice or care, and a few were genuinely welcoming.

[phili]

Sally,
What a beautiful description of your passage from fear to confidence! I nominate it for a sticky in the 'Good advice' BB [doesn't exist yet], but bravo.

I liked reading your post, and the conclusion on confident blending. Although I don't blend in the normal sense, I do want to blend in the virtual society of genderqueer- there are too few of us to be seen, but I think the meme is in the pop culture. I am a type- "male who wants to freely enjoy feminine expression while not looking female." Your advice on blending works for me as well- and is a nice way to think about calibrating our look for a day.

To use another metaphor, dressing is messaging, and I think the blending message is "I'm in- I'm a man, yes, if you give me a second look, but why do that? I agree with the rules for public viewing and social interaction of women, and I am not challenging anyone or competing for attention, so … courtesy given and accepted by all. The confidence we must have is necessary for conveying sincerity and being all in- so no one has to do anything but stay the course- appreciating our effort and honoring it.

Such beautiful writing....

[Teri Ray]

Sally,

Thanks for the wonderful and insightful thread. I love what you said and how you said it. Thanks for sharing.

[alwayshave]

Sally, at 6'2, 240, I know that I'm not passing. I still try, but I own who I am.

[Beverley Sims]

Sally a comprehensive explanation from you, welcome to the forum.

[Kandi Robbins]

Well said and the key, once you accept that you will not pass (none of us ever do, I speak only of crossdressers where hormones or surgery are not involved), it all becomes easy. You do become who you are inside and despite the fact that you fool no one, being out and about is very doable. Been out over 400 times, never once fooling anyone and never once having a negative experience. Confidence is the secret sauce.

[mscaseyjane]

Very well written and thoughtful post. Definitely something I need to think about as I consider going out fully dressed. My prior outings have been all but a wig and bra (make up, hells, dress, jewelry...) I wear my hair short as do many women of color, so I thought it was a good compromise. As I now have a wig and ideal fitting bra, the nerves to go out are far greater than they were before. I hadn't been able to make the connection until recently.

[Becky Blue]

Well put Sally, I would like to add that many women have some secondary male characteristics. The typecast idea figure 8 shaped woman that most of us here aspire to is possibly only attributable to 50% of genetic women anyway.

[Mary Lawrence]

Do I pass? Certainly not upon close inspection. My features are a bit too coarse and masculine. My shoulders a bit too big. My upper arms are not of the typical gg type. My hands are way too big and my feet are too big. Yet all of those "defects" (except my hands) fall within the distributions for those features for women. I try to present myself as a woman in whom nobody takes interest because I am not femininely attractive with my gray hair, older age manner of dress and aging face. It seems to be working. I feel most comfortable in situations where I am genuinely interested in what is going on around me. For example, enjoying a museum or shopping for women's clothing. All worries disappear with increased focus on the task at hand. It is particularly enjoyable to be looking at a rack of panties and bras with young and old ladies doing the same right next to me. They pay me no attention as they, too, are focused on their own tasks.

[Eboni Robinson]

Its only something I worry about if I'm wearing something that draws attention to myself like a short dress. I'm almost 6'2 and I weightlift too. I still have very feminine features for a male though. People always say I have girly fingers and toes haha. I have thick thighs and natural breasts, so that certainly doesn't hurt.

I just go, and do what I need to do when I'm dressed. The only thing I couldn't "pass" would be my voice. I do not have a entire femme voice yet.