struggling....

[VS Fan]

Ok, quick background: my wife knows, is mildly supportive, but doesn't ever want to see me dressed. Essentially no one else in the world knows outside of this forum and the various online stores I buy from :). For me dressing is more of an indoor activity (or while driving) and I've never made any serious attempt at make-up or to pass, and although I have a wig, i have NO CLUE what to do with it to make it look even remotely realistic. (And it's a remi human hair wig to boot...)

I have few real friends - only those from work, or just random friends from my past through facebook. Certainly I have no one in my life that knows about this other side of me... except my wife of course. I feel like i have made a real connection with the woman that does my massage therapy and (on other days) my pedicures at a local spa. She's married and whatnot, so there's no romantic tension (even though I have to admit she is gorgeous), and we freely talk about our lives and what's going on. Since she's obviously doing my pedicures, she knows I'm a little different, but she has other men that get color too and I don't think she suspects anything at all... she's met my wife and I of course just act like it's all in good fun. I also get full leg and chest waxing done there, which she doesn't do, but certainly knows about... but even this doesn't seem to have sparked any questions... maybe due to professionalism or whatever. I had good excuses ready when i first signed up for these additional services....

But now, as I've gotten to know her better, I feel that I've been hiding a significant part of myself, and I'm starting to feel "fake" with all the lies piled on top of each other as to why I'm doing all of this. This basically brings me to my ultimate point: I have not one single friend that I can truly be open and honest with.... and I want that desperately to change. My wife and I discussed and she suggested meeting people through groups etc, but again I'm not really sure that I could handle that solo, and she's not remotely interested in participating. So I asked her opinion about telling my "spa girl" and she said that I needed to be prepared for the worst scenario, i.e. she's revolted or really uncomfortable somehow, and I lose a friend, and a spa over it. Other than that, she said she didn't mind, since it was obvious I really wanted to share with her (with the "dream" of a positive reaction of course - or at least a couple giggles and a "that's cool man, no big deal" and then back to normal... but at least I would feel real with her.)

So naturally, I checked the forum archives, and found all kinds of posts on telling family, etc but not much on telling others you know... but even still the consensus was "don't tell anyone that doesn't need to know." Which normally I would agree with, but the psychological need to be open with at LEAST ONE PERSON in my life is really driving me (since she wouldn't judge me the same way a wife would.... women in general seem to be tolerant of stuff like this as long as it's not THEIR husband... )

So... just looking for any similar stories (good or bad) or advice. There's very little chance of her "outing me" because even if she was to not be thrilled about it, I know the kind of person she is and there'd be no reason to hurt me, particularly after nearly 2 years of me being her client.

Thanks in advance,

VS Fan

[Nikki.]

Join a support group. Then you can speak freely with others that get it, and when you’re ready, you can go to events dressed. People in the group will likely have tips on cd friendly hairdressers to help you get your hair taken care of.

[Tracii G]

You don't need to lie about why you are getting a pedicure just tell her you like it. It doesn't have to any farther than that.
I don't get this "feeling fake" thing people talk about. They don't need to know and why would you want to burden them with the knowledge about you?
What do they have to gain from it and what benefit is it to you to tell them?
You know eventually your wife is going to find out and be really pissed you shared something this personal with another woman. How is she going to look if other women know your secrets too.

[VS Fan]

Tracii - actually my wife knows and told me it was fine to tell her if I wanted to.

And you're right, there's not much benefit to them of course, unless by some chance they thought it was fun. I guess that's what i was really hoping for... but I'm sensing that's a pipe dream LOL....

[TheHiddenMe]

I've written about my experiences in the picture forums, but I will give you the short version here.

I was planning four girl days out so I wanted to get my nails done (with color, of course). Made an appointment, went in drab, prepared to tell a story about being for Halloween (this was a week before Halloween). It turned out the nail tech was young and cool, so I told the truth--and went back to the store that night dressed. She couldn't have been more supportive.

Six months later, four more girl days, wanted to get my nails done again. I wanted the prior nail tech, but she wasn't available, so I just picked another. I told her my plans (train trip to Chicago dressed), she told me her story, and we hit it off. A week ago Thursday we went out to dinner together, and we've been out shopping a few times together. She enjoys the Dee side of me.

I would have never expected it.

I would come clean. If the nail tech has issues, you can find another nail tech. If she doesn't have issues, then maybe you can find an ally that you never expected.

I got over my fears, told the truth, and my CD life is a while lot better because of that.

[lingerieLiz]

Since your wife knows you want to share inside information about yourself and is OK with it. That is one less thing to worry about. Over the years I've outed myself to various people. The gal that cuts my hair has done it for years. I wear a bra most of the time and know it shows in some situations. One day she got a bunch of hair all over my white cotton top. There was no way she didn't feel my bra cups as she tried to get the hair off. That was several years ago and we are still friends. Before that I had on a push up bra and she went to wash my hair. As she laid the chair back the girls were a true C standing at attention.

I went to get a flu shot one day from the local pharmacy that I use. I had on a women's top. As the tech went to give me the shot my bra strap slipped down. The tech didn't mis a beat and caught it with her finger and raised it out of the way. Gave me the shot and never said a thing.

No one can tell you what you will encounter and what her reaction will be.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Some industries such as nail salons, massage, and spas get a fair share of clients within the community. I suspect with the services you have requested , she already suspects. I'd caution you to talk things over with you spouse before spreading the word. Your spouse may have unspoken thoughts on the subject.

[VS Fan]

Kelly - yeah oddly my wife is completely ok with this... well, it's not odd I suppose, she trusts me implicitly... but she was cool when I asked her about wanting to do this.

HiddenMe - I would love to repeat your experience!

Liz - thanks for your stories as well... sounds great :)

Anyway thanks to all for the replies!

[Tracii G]

Well It seems you have things under control so if your wife is cool with it then OK.
I am so used to stories here where guys spill the beans and the wife goes nuts and leaves him LOLOL

[Aunt Kelly]

VSFan, you are proposing to share what, to you, is a very personal and private thing. I truly do understand your desire to share, but I must urge caution. Weigh what you can realistically expect to gain against that worst case scenario. Now factor in what you know about this person, her attitudes, etc., i.e. assess the likelihood of a favorable response. If it still seems like a good idea, by all means go for it. If it blows up in your face, at least you can honestly say that "it seemed like a good idea at the time." : )
The merchants I go to for girl stuff know about me. They kinda have too if I am to get what I need from them. My doctors do not (though my mostly hairless body night have them wondering) because they don't need to know.
The advice too seek out a support group is good. If you can find some TG friends for the occasional GNO, even better. It's worth the hunt, maybe even a little travel. The reward is far greater than you are likely to get from your spa friend.

Good luck,

Kelly

Edit: Sorry for the confusion, Traci. That's what I get for using a tablet with a sketchy browser while slightly distracted. Referred to the wrong post.

[Tracii G]

Not sure what you mean Aunt Kelly were you asking me that question?

[Stephanie47]

VS, I know you have a burning desire to find some sort of acceptance outside of your wife having knowledge. I suspect it is some sort of self validation. Your wife summed up one aspect of revealing your intimate secret; "be prepared for the worst scenario." It has been said many times in posts on this forum to tell on "a need to know basis."

But, I'll throw in whether she wants to know? She may be friendly. She may be a great woman to talk to. She is also a professional. It's her job to provide services. You have the "need" to tell her. You may end up totally disappointed.

[Diane Smith]

I've found most people in the beauty industry to be very open to us. Certainly your nail gal must already be pretty aware if she has painted your toes and waxed your legs - I can't imagine it will be any big surprise to her if you open up fully. The lovely people who have done my nails, hair, waxing, makeup and tattoos over the years all know about and have seen me in both modes, and without exception have been completely accepting (and discreet) about it.

I also second the idea to find a local support group (or a social group, if that would be easier).

- Diane

[SamanthaToday]

Fan, I just told my electrolysis.. I was ready with a picture I was happy with, after showing her She was great. But when I got home I felt like maybe I told her something She didnt want to hear.

So I sent her this text..

"HI. I hope I didn't embarrass you. most likely you dont have Male clients that asked for this treatment, so I figured you must be wondering. You are in a tiny circle of people who know. My wife ,daughter and therapist and now you. See next week. Thank you."


Her response..

"No worries... I suspected but I usually let the client feel.comfortable around me and then they tell me in their own time.
I have had quite a few trans clients over the years.
I am working on 3 others at this time.
Everything is confidential so no worries there. 😉😁

Thanks for the text🤗
"

Hope this helps,Samantha

[Charlyne]

She already strongly suspects that you crossdress. Yes break the ice with her. You are “the customer”. You really can't go wrong here (I am presuming that you are nice to talk with and you are a reasonable tipper). Barbers, hairdressers etc are best friends with their clients. It’s all about baby steps on your way to becoming more comfortable with your feminine side.

[Millisense]

Hi VS Fan, I'm right where you are now: I want to tell my best friend, (a woman), and have even posted here that I'm telling here "this week", etc, but still haven't found the nerve.
Reading your post made me think about "why" I want to tell her, so thank you for that.
I also dress like you do, and while driving. I don't own a wig though yet.

I liked in your second post you said that maybe that you're really hoping for her to find it "fun", and maybe expand your relationship to something like what TheHiddenMe has?
In your case, what are you wanting to get from admitting you crossdress? Simply validation and acceptance? You'll always find that here of course. Or, per your second post,
you're really hoping for an accepting friend who you can dress in front of, show you
how to do make-up, wear your wig, etc. (You kind of admit that in your third post)

So it really comes down to this specific person: your massage therapist/pedicurist. You want to share more with her, have her as a friend, etc. She's a professional: most likely she's going to take any revelations professionally, like you said, I don't think you have to worry too much about that, and like others said: in her field she's almost definitely heard similar stories. Like others said too, if that's something that bothers her, and you can tell, there's other fish in the sea in case the "real connection" seems to dissipate, it's just simple fear of rejection of course. You'll never have that
particular friend you seek unless you try. So it's not really a CD issue if you think about it.

Expanding on your connection first to blossom to a real friendship (before revealing more to her) would be a normal course your could take, but approaching a married woman for friendship is very tricky. It may actually be a benefit to be "femme" in a case like that. You might just go slow, tell her you enjoy your time with her as it allows you to feel, in your words: "open and honest", or "real", and talk more about your nails, or color, etc., or talk about her clothes, etc. She's going to figure it out if she hasn't already.

Friends are valuable; accepting friends are a treasure. Seek the first and hope for the second.

[marshalynn]

VS FAN, I think the hardest thing to do is open your mouth and say the first words that you want to talk about. You will be ready to talk and be thinking about what you want to say, and the words just won't come out of your mouth. I was like this for a while, about 65 years, before I just started talking to people. In the last 10 years, I have told at least 50 people, that's not including my family, they know also. The hard part is open your mouth and tell the truth about your self. I have never had any one act bad to me in any way. Be proud of your self, GOD made all of us the way we are and we have to live our lives the best we can. Don't worry about telling your friend, I am sure she knows already, but is waiting for you to say something first. I love all the people I have to talk to and I know you will like having a person you can be open and honest with. Marshalynn

[Roxanne Lanyon]

VS Fan, the hardest thing I did was pick up the phone and call the nearby crossdresser support group. I am going to my first meeting next week, and an a nervous wreck! This will be my first time "out" in company. But, I am going through with it. I need friends who dress. I am going to do it.
Roxanne

[CarlaWestin]

After the big build up drama of, "I have something to tell you, I hope we can still be friends, blah, blah........" She'll probably say, "And you think I didn't know?"
Just do it. It's no big deal and there's such a wonderful afterglow when you've shared with an accepting confidant. Then you both have a secret! But, be careful. There will be an impulse to
try to experience that euphoria again. Use discretion.

[VS Fan]

I liked in your second post you said that maybe that you're really hoping for her to find it "fun", and maybe expand your relationship to something like what TheHiddenMe has?
In your case, what are you wanting to get from admitting you crossdress? Simply validation and acceptance? You'll always find that here of course. Or, per your second post,
you're really hoping for an accepting friend who you can dress in front of, show you
how to do make-up, wear your wig, etc. (You kind of admit that in your third post)
.


Mark - great questions...

I mentioned to my wife how I love it when she (my wife) makes little jokes to me about my dressing ... for example, "I'm missing a blue dress.... you didn't take it did you? ::wink wink::" She knows I didn't but we have fun with it. I admitted to my wife that I would like this same sort of thing with my spa friend... I guess that's a search for validation in some regard? I could only dream that she (or other ladies in the spa) would want to help me dress, or do makeup etc... I am not holding my breath for that, or remotely expecting it, but it is certainly in my mind on some level, since I don't get that at home.


Charlyne - she has made many comments about how she enjoys my time there (as does my waxing / facial tech). My nail tech even quasi- invited herself to my birthday celebration I was talking about with her... which I was shocked by, but very receptive to. I tell her jokes and she relays back how they play with her dad and her husband. Her dad even sent me a comic strip cut out of a joke he thought I would like in response to a recent joke I told her. Oddly enough, and this is what STARTED all this train of thought .. is that the joke was a few people at a party, one says to the other, "Watch out for Larry, he's a cross dresser." The next panel had an actual DRESSER at the party and someone was commenting on how nice the woodwork was. The dresser says "hey did i say you could touch my drawer!?" And the other party go-er says, "see what I mean?" So to me this is the perfect opening to say.... "sooo... that comic you gave me last week..."

And I am a VERY generous tipper - so there's always the presumption that they would never want to sour the customer relationship just for that aspect alone.


She'll probably say, "And you think I didn't know?"
Just do it. It's no big deal and there's such a wonderful afterglow when you've shared with an accepting confidant. Then you both have a secret! But, be careful. There will be an impulse to
try to experience that euphoria again. Use discretion.

Carla - hahah exactly what i'm hoping for :) (But good advice on being careful going fwd....!)


Once again, I sincerely appreciate all the responses, both for and against this idea... THANKS :)

VS Fan

[sarah_hillcrest]

Yeah I don't think telling people is a good idea, but in this case I'm sure she already knows. How man men go to spas? How many get pedicures? Also you're relationship is that of client and service provider and in those situations you pretty much hold the power, they realize that you could take your business elsewhere and their job is to please you. I can't imagine a problem with telling them unless it was some kind of super conservative salon. I think that you could make this into your girl sanctuary. For example, if you wanted to experiment with a public outing some day this could be the place to do it.

Good luck.

[VS Fan]

How man men go to spas? How many get pedicures?
Good luck.

they tell me quite a few actually... but how many also get facials and waxing to boot? :) hahah

[audreyinalbany]

wait, wait wait...she gave you this cartoon about crossdressing and you think she doesn't know you're a crossdresser???
Here's the problem as I see it: you said that there's no romantic tension (even though 'she's married and whatnot") yet you also mention that she is gorgeous. I'm wiling to be that, on some level, you think that revealing yourself to her could lead to something more. She might want to become your 'gal pal,' and hang out together,or she may get turned on by it and want something more, or some other 'end game' besides simply sharing this part of you. It sounds to me like a slippery slope indeed. Being 'tired of the lies' sound to me like a pretty thin veneer for "I think this woman at the spa is kinda hot." I think if it is truly a question of wanting to share your 'secret' with someone you should join a support group.

[VS Fan]

hahah... the cartoon definitely seemed like a ::hint hint:: but she claims it was her dad that found it for me.

I do think she's gorgeous, but we spend a LOT of time talking about her husband (whom she talks about with seemingly genuine affection), my wife and my kids. And although there's certainly an attraction (for my part), I'd no sooner cheat on my wife with her than any other woman. I've been married over 20 years, love my wife and family and the life we've built, and am not about to screw that up. I don't think she'd be turned on by it in any case... if anything I think it would solidify the boundary between us as just friends (I mean let's face it, not too many women are turned on by this whole thing, even if they think it's curious or fun, the way sometimes women like to hang out with gay guys, etc. because it's "safe")

I will say that you all have convinced me to look into a local group - regardless of what I decide to do here otherwise.

[Bobbi46]

I totally agree with all who have suggested going to a support group. Just choosing a person who you know well is not as secure as you might think, once the cat is out of the bag ther's no putting it back. One little thing said, quite inoquosly by your friend could find its way down the line to end up xho knows where? your boss or line manager finding out, closer to home even your neighbours.
Telling is one thing with sharing a burden if it is, but one has to be very carefull. In your position as others have said find a support group, in a way finding a "trusted" person might not on the whole be as secure you might hope for.
Best wishes and be careful.

[Dena]

How adventurous have you been in your nail color choices? Anything really feminine?!

I kind of like to keep 'em guessing, though it is nice to be completely open with some people. Are you comfortable with her husband and father knowing? Sounds like you will be coming out to them as well...

Do they do wig styling there? You might try to find someone who does, have them style your wig and ask for styling tips.

[VS Fan]

We have been very adventurous with nail colors... she's quite accomplished and she usually has some cool idea picked out for me in advance... last time she did a dark grey coat with a "custom blend of sparkle" she had prepared for me before I got there... but we've done a range from french nails, deep reds, fun stuff for Valentine's day, st patrick's day, etc. And yeah I assumed her husband and dad would know as well... and I'd be ok with that. I also get my hair cut there and the stylist seems pretty hip too (and slightly younger than the others I work with there) so it would be cool if that worked out too... so for me this is potentially a paradise or bust scenario... but most likely something in between.

[Micki_Finn]

The problem with coming out to strangers and acquaintances is that by-and-large, they simply won’t care. If they DO care it’s likely it will be for negative reasons. What exactly do you hope to gain by telling this person?

[VS Fan]

What exactly do you hope to gain by telling this person?

I guess what it comes down to is I'm hoping for a real friendship? I mean we are "friends" now, but I was hoping for it to be a friendship that would allow me to not hide anything about myself. Maybe it's stupid... but I feel lonely not having anyone that really knows the real me. Obviously my reason for picking her (and presumably other girls at the spa) is that there's already a foundation there, and as some have said, they may suspect (or wouldn't be shocked) anyway. Joining a group would be a HUGE leap for me (i'm largely introverted) - but maybe in the long run that would be more fulfilling... I've been reading about the local tri-ess chapter, and some of it does sound fun to be honest. (I've dreamed about going to Diva Las Vegas, etc before too)

[Teresa]

VS Fan,
The forum is all about help so I'll see if I can pass some on.

Take the social aspect first , when you find one local to you you may find they will accept you in drab , many do offer dressing arrangements , OK it may be a disabled washroom/toilet but I've had to use one on occasions . They are a great way of finding you're not alone , we calcualtaed that my group has about 25% attendance with wives/partners so you wife would not be alone , I love talking to the GGs in our group . Also we do have a few TSs who are very open and will chat about transition if you have any thoughts on that . We do have some fun , this month is a summer ball so we can all be a little OTT , it's is in a hotel so we do meet tyhe public, if you're not comfortable with that then some groups also have private venues , I also attend one of those which is stiil ggod fun .

The issue of telling people is a tricky one , as is the use of pictures . As you say there are differening thoughts on this . In my own circumstances the more peolple that know the less CDing is a problem , ( a counsellor told me years ago , no secret means no problem !) not entirely true in all cases but we must get over the guilt and shame , we aren't doing anything wrong . Most of us are wired this way at birth , there's nothing we can do about that so we have to come to terms with it . In the past if I was in drab but shopping I often had pictures with me , without them people will get the impression you look stupid trying to squeeze into clothes that don't fit and apply makeup like CoCo the clown . My pictures have clearly shown I'm not doing this for fun it's serious , I have to deal with it and can look pretty good in my attempts , SAs have taken me far more seriously and other people have respected that I am TG and come to terms with it .

I was going to say that telling people has not caused a single problem , my children know , my granddaughter has met Teresa but there's is a BUT , because even now I'm separated I have had a huge stack with my wife over talking to mutual friends . She no longer wishes to see me or talk to me , I had every intention of keeping it amicable but she's just blown up, I guess it was inevitable . I did ask her truly what difference it had made to her life or the friends I spoke to , I answered for her by saying a big fat ZERO . They are still her friends and they still remain mine , many of the fears talked about are false ones , the World has changed so much in a short time , TG isues are openly talked about . It's not until you do open up and talk that you finally discover how many other people are dealing with simliar issues or know someone who is .

You have to come to terms with it and be truthful to yourself , We are born like it and as I've found it's for life so we have to take it on board and hopefully enjoy the feelings and needs we have . It's not all doom and gloom there is a fun and enjoyable side to it and I'm now making the most of it .

I missed the comment about a bad reaction from the nail lady , I have yet to experience anyone who has been offended by being told , one good friend in my art group now in his mid eighties told me he was uneasy about it until I explained what it actually meant . This is another point about talking to people , they have misconceptions of Cding . Some think we are gay , some think we just play silly games and camp it up , the only question I can't truly answer is how much further do I want to go , that is the biggest issue with wives/ partners .

[Alice B]

I have been lucky in that those that do my mani/pedi's (including color) have seen it all, thus know and do not care. they are easy to talk to. The same goes for those that do massage and you have little to fear. Just bring up the topic with a direct question. Do you care? My wife and I get massages every two weeks. Our first mause became a friend, knew all about Alice and totally accepts. She loves to value shop and has bought me blouses that she thought I would like. Our second mause is a daughter in law, but is now a nurse. She also knows and totally accepts. I have used outside mauses and have done so with painted nails and no problems and easily established open communications. I think it would be worth a try and if it works and after several contacts you may open a fulfilling dialogue, which may also open up talking to your wife

[VS Fan]

VS Fan,
The forum is all about help so I'll see if I can pass some on.


THANKS! :)



The issue of telling people is a tricky one , as is the use of pictures . As you say there are differening thoughts on this . In my own circumstances the more peolple that know the less CDing is a problem , ( a counsellor told me years ago , no secret means no problem !) not entirely true in all cases but we must get over the guilt and shame , we aren't doing anything wrong . Most of us are wired this way at birth , there's nothing we can do about that so we have to come to terms with it . In the past if I was in drab but shopping I often had pictures with me , without them people will get the impression you look stupid trying to squeeze into clothes that don't fit and apply makeup like CoCo the clown . My pictures have clearly shown I'm not doing this for fun it's serious , I have to deal with it and can look pretty good in my attempts , SAs have taken me far more seriously and other people have respected that I am TG and come to terms with it .


Interesting... i have not taken a photo of myself in nearly 8 years... but I see your point here... definitely makes sense. I've never hidden from SAs before, but don't think I've ever outright admitted the stuff was for me.



I was going to say that telling people has not caused a single problem , my children know , my granddaughter has met Teresa but there's is a BUT , because even now I'm separated I have had a huge stack with my wife over talking to mutual friends . She no longer wishes to see me or talk to me , I had every intention of keeping it amicable but she's just blown up, I guess it was inevitable . I did ask her truly what difference it had made to her life or the friends I spoke to , I answered for her by saying a big fat ZERO . They are still her friends and they still remain mine , many of the fears talked about are false ones , the World has changed so much in a short time , TG isues are openly talked about . It's not until you do open up and talk that you finally discover how many other people are dealing with simliar issues or know someone who is .


Lucky for me I guess that my wife knows, and would probably rather die than tell any of her family or friends LOL...



You have to come to terms with it and be truthful to yourself , We are born like it and as I've found it's for life so we have to take it on board and hopefully enjoy the feelings and needs we have . It's not all doom and gloom there is a fun and enjoyable side to it and I'm now making the most of it .

I missed the comment about a bad reaction from the nail lady , I have yet to experience anyone who has been offended by being told , one good friend in my art group now in his mid eighties told me he was uneasy about it until I explained what it actually meant . This is another point about talking to people , they have misconceptions of Cding . Some think we are gay , some think we just play silly games and camp it up , the only question I can't truly answer is how much further do I want to go , that is the biggest issue with wives/ partners .

Exactly how I feel... I guess I'm at the point in my life where I am starting to care less about what people think (within boundaries of course, such that my wife is not impacted... although she's ok with the small risk of telling people that are not likely to know her friends or spill the beans in any case.) I've seen too many people in the community, family, etc with cancer, killed in car accidents, etc... life is too short to bottle everything up.




I have been lucky in that those that do my mani/pedi's (including color) have seen it all, thus know and do not care. they are easy to talk to. The same goes for those that do massage and you have little to fear. Just bring up the topic with a direct question. Do you care? My wife and I get massages every two weeks. Our first mause became a friend, knew all about Alice and totally accepts. She loves to value shop and has bought me blouses that she thought I would like. Our second mause is a daughter in law, but is now a nurse. She also knows and totally accepts. I have used outside mauses and have done so with painted nails and no problems and easily established open communications. I think it would be worth a try and if it works and after several contacts you may open a fulfilling dialogue, which may also open up talking to your wife


Alice - thanks for the reply - glad to hear that you've not experienced any issues here... I'd say i'm about 70/30 right now in favor of doing this LOL.... but we'll see if i really have the nerve or not. First opportunity might be tomorrow during my pedicure, but it's only about 50% of the time that we're alone during it. Either way, I think i'll fire off an email to the local tri-ess chapter sometime this week and see if they are still going strong.

:)

EDIT: Re: tri-ess chapter... the application form wants your femme name.... except I've never given myself one... d'oh! I'll work on that too i guess....

[Tracii G]

Joining a local trans group is one of the best things you can do.
It helps you socially and gives you a place to learn from others and make friends that are just like you.
Like you I thought a group was a huge leap of faith and almost didn't do it.
Honestly it was the best thing for me because I learned from others what made me tick.LOL
Didn't need to pay a therapist just having the group worked for me.

[VS Fan]

Hahah good point Tracii.... I'm not sure my therapist is doing much for me at this point that having a social group wouldn't :)

EDIT: just emailed the membership coordinator for my chapter..... here goes nothin'!

EDIT 2: Here's a link to the comic that she gave me that i posted in this other thread:
https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?258853-Do-Daily-Comics-that-kind-of-poke-fun-at-Crossdressing-Help-or-Hurt&p=4258149#post4258149

[Aunt Kelly]

Hahah good point Tracii.... I'm not sure my therapist is doing much for me at this point that having a social group wouldn't :)

EDIT: just emailed the membership coordinator for my chapter..... here goes nothin'!


Good call, approaching Tri-Ess. The organization may be a shadow of it's former self, but there are still some active chapters. They provide a very safe and supportive environment for those making their first steps outside, or just looking for company with kindred spirits. The organization's presence has faded, as society has changed. Being a CD is no longer a crime and indeed, not even something that raises eyebrows in many locations. I stay active with the sorority because it's another way for me to give back to the community.
If you'd like to PM me with chapter you're approaching, I can probably get some insight from some of my chapter sisters. They've been at this far longer than I, one is even a charter member, and seem to know everything about everybody. :)

[Alice B]

VS Fan,

Like everything, the first time is the hardest because we beat ourselfs up. Have your nails painted and as a suggestion, go to a drug store and select and buy the nail color you want. Then take it with you and give it to the person doing your pedi. That way you can avoid going thru the racks, in front of everyone to select a color.

As a side note. I am going in for a mani/pedi next week and for the first time in years I will have no color applied. Not even clear polish. I am going to have a hip replacement and no polish can be on foes and fingers. My surgen has seen my painted nails many times, but is strict on the rules. Imay have to wait for a month or more, but then it will be a bright red

[sometimes_miss]

Expanding on your connection first to blossom to a real friendship (before revealing more to her) would be a normal course your could take, but approaching a married woman for friendship is very tricky.

^this. I wouldn't try to expand your customer/service person friendship outside of where she's already interacting with you at her job.


Lucky for me I guess that my wife knows, and would probably rather die than tell any of her family or friends LOL
Once you tell one person, they can tell another (you know, someone who swears they can keep a secret, but winds up telling someone else eventually anyway, and you get the shampoo girl phenomenon). Watch the whole thing, then you'll understand. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brC_jK6stBs

[VS Fan]

Well... this afternoon was my pedicure and we had a few moments alone at the beginning of my service... and I brought up the cartoon and somehow blurted it all out... she was totally cool about it ... and she actually was worried (when I started talking about the cartoon) that I was going to tell her I was offended by it or something hahah... but in the end I finally stumbled through it, and she was like "oh that's totally cool!" Ultimately she ended up asking all kinds of questions, and we started having fun with it... there was another person getting a manicure in the middle of my service and so we had to talk in "code" for some of it LOL, but we ended up talking about it almost the entire hour I was there. She's excited to hear how my first meeting goes (which should be on the 21st if all goes well.)

Anyway, I told her it was fine to tell her husband or her dad if she thought it was appropriate, but that I didn't mind either way. I'm planning on telling my waxing/facial tech on Wednesday based on today's experience (and she indicated that she thought the other tech would also be totally cool about it.) She was moved by the fact that she's the only other soul that I've ever opened up to about this. I didn't press for anything else, and told her I was grateful for her acceptance and amusement.

I can't thank everyone here enough for the encouragement, and all the "things to consider."

If I can get the nerve up to attend the local Tri-ess meeting on the 21st... this is a huge new chapter for me.

Thanks again all!!

VS Fan (soon to have a femme name LOL, still need to work on that!)

[Millisense]

Glad to hear! Best of luck on the 21st...does one dress for a meeting like that?
Maybe I should go to one, let us know please how it goes!!!
It's embarrassing to admit I had to read that comic 3 times to get it. Pretty funny :)

[VS Fan]

Hahahah! I don't have to dress they told me, but I figure what the hell... I might as well. I'll definitely report back on my experience :)

[Aunt Kelly]

Glad to hear! Best of luck on the 21st...does one dress for a meeting like that?
Maybe I should go to one, let us know please how it goes!!!


Our chapter has two meetings per month, a non-dressing dinner on Friday evening, and the actual meeting (dressed) the following evening.

[Helen_Highwater]

VS,

Having read through all the comments I'll add mine.

Firstly she is just as likely to be thinking you're gay as being CD due to the waxing. It's common in that community I believe. Secondly once you've told her you've pretty much exhausted that line of conversation. She certainly can't emphasise that much with you as she's no experience of our trials and tribulations and this is why IMHO those who advocate finding a support/social group are offering the best advice.

It's there that you'll find people who will truly understand your situation. They'll have experienced the same or similar. Plus and this is a biggie, you can go dressed. You're not just talking about it, you're literally walking the walk.

I've only been fortunate enough to attend a small number of social gatherings. It is difficult for me to describe just how wonderfully liberating it is to be able to relate your story to someone else who totally understands and to feel totally at ease with both them and yourself. It was also talking to other CD'ers that inspired me to take my dressing further.

I can remember the huge level of trepidation I felt as I walked into my first meeting. Three minutes later I was sat engaged in conversation feeling totally relaxed.

How can I put this. Meeting and talking things though face to face is like this forum, on steroids! These written words are just so good, the support they offer is immense but 100 words here can't compare to one spoken to a fellow human while looking them in the eye.

[VS Fan]

Helen - I was lucky in that not only did she not freak out (I told her I was worried about that and she laughed and said "no way!!") - but she eventually decided it was pretty cool and said "oh this is so fun!" when all the little things that I had told her about over the past couple years started to make a little more sense, or more really, discovered new meaning.

Having said that, I totally agree that the support group is a good idea also relative to finding understanding. I've been on this board here for nearly 9 years and have read so many stories that I realize i'm not alone by a long stretch. That alone has allowed me to accept myself for what I am and learn to enjoy it (with the help of my wonderful wife's understanding and tolerance, naturally.) But that said, I hope that my first meeting goes like yours did - and I am looking fwd to it!

Thanks! :)

[Rhonda Jean]

I'm consistently of the opinion that telling is not a good idea. If you want to come out to someone, just let them see instead of telling. You're most of the way there. She certainly already knows you at least lean strongly toward the feminine. I'm not sure what you'd gain by actually telling. Maybe just the relief of somebody knowing, but no tactile gain. If you think you've reached some arbitrary line you can't cross with the spa services, that's only in your own mind. Manicures with color? Brow waxing and tinting? That's an imperceptible step from where you are now. If you're wanting to incrementally add to your already feminine-leaning presentation by wearing makeup or women's clothes, even that isn't necessarily a big step. I've never seen a woman in a dress and heels at the spa. Comfortable and casual clothes from the women's department like any of the other women wear would be appropriate. A little tasteful makeup would hardly be a big surprise to the girl who polishes your nails and waxes your legs and chest. You're kidding yourself if you think she's fooled by joking about it.

[Shely]

I have read through this entire thread, I think, and find it exactly what I have been pondering. Sharing this aspect of our lives, with someone close, seems to be an important issue. The DADT situation is better than nothing, but doesn't lead to a conversation about ones personal issues of dressing. I have no one close enough to even think about talking to about this, but wish I did. I don't know of any group in the area I live in, but i'd sure go if there were. I'd love to share my thoughts with someone close.

[VS Fan]

Rhonda - as it turns out, it was all good in the end. She genuinely had no idea, and the cartoon was legit from left field... I don't think dressing at the spa even casually is a good idea, but I at least now have a friend there that knows what I'm all about. I'll save the actual dressing for the group events, unless at some point she expresses an interest, but even then it would have to be in a different environment. Nevertheless, i'm not looking for or expecting that. I'm quite content with how things have ended up at this point, and it's even opened up more conversations with my wife about all of this.

- - - Updated - - -

Shely - yeah you nailed it. It's tough having this aspect of our lives that is so rooted in secrecy. As others have said, talking here on the forum is one thing, but real interactions are the goal. Bottling this all up was starting to wear on me.

[Dena]

Glad to hear it went well!

It is good to have people you can talk to about this. Most of the people I've come out to have been cool about it,
but usually it has not gone anywhere for me. For instance, I told 2 of my sister's, and while they were cool about it and didn't freak out,
nothing really came of it as it's not a part of our relationship.

[VS Fan]

Dena - thanks :) - too bad about your sisters... not sure mine would think much about this either.... actually they would probably tease me endlessly and/or break off contact.... so I'm definitely thrilled that I've made it past this threshold.

[Millisense]

I don't know of any group in the area I live in, but i'd sure go if there were. I'd love to share my thoughts with someone close.
I can't speak for the accuracy of the listings, but I found this site:
https://tgguide.com/transgender-resources/support-groups/
Shows listings for U.S. Support Groups by state. Only one of the four links in my state worked, but one's better than nothing!

[VS Fan]

Excellent link Mark, thanks :). Lucky for me the group I found on my own was on that list!

- - - Updated - - -

Wow... what an evening.

I went in for my spray tan (is there anything this spa does that I don't do? LOL) this evening....

I had been emailing with my massage/nail tech all day and she offered to spill the beans to my waxing/facial/tanning tech and to the stylist that cuts my hair (since I know those two pretty well at this point also.) I took her up on the offer and when I got there, they were both all smiles ... and I got to have a great conversation with my w/f/t tech while I was "drying"... such wonderful acceptance was beyond any hope. She said "I liked you before, but now that I know more about you and the "real you", I like you even more." She asked a bunch of questions, which I encouraged.. and she seemed genuinely happy for me and supportive. I'm on cloud 9 for sure right now.... not sure how i'll ever get to sleep LOL.

Anyway thanks again for all the support here!

[Danika]

Now this is just a fantastic outcome and a great thread!!!

[suzanne]

I've heard it said that women like men who have feminine characteristics, but I can't remember where and I haven't seen it repeated anywhere. Who knows why? I think its partly that men who aren't afraid to show a little of their feminine side dont do the toxic masculinity thing. Just my opinion.

But in my own personal experience, lots of women are not put off in the slightest when they see me in a skirt and heels. In short order, conversations cover topics that no macho guy ever hears about. I feel as though they see me as one of their girlfriends in whom they confide. So your experience, while new to you, is really fairly common. Women, and I'll stick my neck out and say most women, are just fine with you getting a pedicure, underdressed in a bra or wearing a dress. Just maybe not so much with your own SO.

[VS Fan]

Suzanne - yes I believe you’re mostly correct - young women want the badass trouble maker haha but as they get older many opt for the sensitive type - as has been discussed in other threads in the past, this activity of ours is just another facet of our personality that comes from the same place as being thoughtful etc. my wife certainly made that connection - and my new friends at the spa thought it was a valid point as well.