Younger

[Ellen Stone]

I'm sure we all wish we knew before about the cross dressing world. Would our younger days have not been different? I know mine would. Hugs ellen

[Queen Bridget]

Yeah, I spent most of my youth thinking I was a freak and totally alone.

Growing up before the internet kind of sucked.

[VS Fan]

Oh yes, most definitely. Internet or no, I wish that I had discovered this about myself a dozen years sooner....

[Lea]

Same for me. I was pre internet days and confused.
If I would have had a place to learn I was not alone, was not strange, and had support it would have saved a lot of guilt that I should not have had.

[Tracii G]

I wish I had figured it out in my 20s because I would have transitioned.
Finally coming to grips with it in my late 40s it was pretty much too late.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Ellen, welcome to the forum.

I never thought I was odd, I just wish on hindsight I'd got much deeper into it while I would have been so much more convincing!

[ClosetED]

Welcome to the Forum! another Ellen!
You are just 5 years older than I am, and I can still look good. Your profile picture shows you are in good shape.
I recall alt.sex.stories.trans and IRC channels devoted to TG. I did explore a bit in college and went out once to a movie. But life and family then became priority and, as often happens, once the nest began to empty, there was more time to consider my needs. I had thought I would never look pretty, but makeup and wigs can do wonders. But I am not sure if I would have given up my kids to live a very different life. And having known more about the full TG spectrum I don;t think would have helped. The society we live in now has changed and is more open to variation, and that has made it much easier for a TGer today.
My in-laws live in Venice. Joke is that the old people live in Sarasota, their parents live in Venice.
Hugs back at you, Ellen

[paulaprimo]

it sucked growing up pre-internet. i carried the burden of thinking that i was a freak
and not understanding my "abnormal" thoughts. i certainly would have taken a
different path in life if i knew then what i know now... :(

[Donna June]

Exactly. I agree with Queen Bridget, felt alone and like a freak. If, back in the 80's, I had the internet and all the info / resources, there are now, I probably would have transitioned.

[Teresa]

Ellen,
It might have been different but I wouldn't have traded those years for anything , thankfully my time was full enough for CDing not to take over otherwise I wouldn't have achieved the things I did and perhaps not even have had two great kids and three grandchildren to show for it .

It's easy to see the grass often appears greener but life is a compromise and we hopefully make the best of it while we can . I never thought my situation would end up as it has , how I'm now able to deal with my dressing needs but living a separate life to achieve it .

My age group would have had a far harder struggle to come to terms with being TG or TS the World had thankfully changed for us so much now , we look back in hindsight with the knowledge we have now so it paints a rosier picture than the reality .

[krissy]

ME TOO !!
I wish I had known that I was not alone all those years of guilt shame and pain. not to mention the loss of my first wife she would do it with me but when we broke up she told all my male friends. lost them all and my mechanic job .now I'm 61 feel 80 cant look as good as I used to and my current wife cant stand this part of me 38 years and we cant compromise . well maybe in my next life :hugs:

[Lana Mae]

I was 65 when I finally figured all this out! Different but...my children probably would not exist and a lot of other things I would not change now or ever! It is now here and not going away and is part of who I am! I am just enjoying the journey! Hugs Lana Mae

[Gillian Gigs]

I have had these thoughts several times before. My end conclusion has lead me to think about two extremes. One is total emersion, and the second is to have never gone there at all. In the pre-internet days, it was very difficult to get information on the subject of CD'ing, or any quirky behaviours, for that matter.

[franlee]

After almost 50 years the one thing that I wish I had understood and would have changed my CDing life is, It don't have to make sense or be justified, it just is. With this revelation I would have spent my energy on enjoying it and less on why and even guilt that was really nonexistent.

[Alice Torn]

I was a really messed up young man and boy. I stil am pretty screwed up. I wish i had never had this desire at all, and been normal. I tried so hard to be normal! I mean non CDing. It would have made life less solitary, and lonely.

[Anna Stouf]

I grew up in the 1940’s and 1950’s and by the mid 60’s I was in Vietnam. I lived in an extremely testosterone rich environment. But still, I knew I was different but didn’t have any knowledge or support. Of course I now know it was, and still is, GD (Gender Dysphoria). If I knew then what I know now, I would have made different decisions and would probably be a happier person today.

[Eboni Robinson]

I never had the I was alone vibe. It was awesome finding out that I was not the only one though, and what I did had a name.

[Confucius]

Growing up I had gender dysphoria. I understood it was shameful. When I was around 12 years old (around 1960) I read my first material about transvestism, and it convinced me I was mentally ill. I longed to be normal (non-CD), and I tried so hard cure myself. I thought that being a CDer was about the worse thing that could happen to a person.

No doubt my life would have been different if I was born with today's understanding and tolerance for transgenderism. Nonetheless, I don't think that my life today isn't bad at all. Today I'm doing just fine. I don't live in the past, and I am grateful who I am today.

[CONSUELO]

An often asked question and one that is actually very hard to answer. Without a doubt the Internet has given us easy access to a lot of information plus the ability to contact and connect with people who are struggling with the same issues. Prior to the Internet one had to rely on a very few books that were easily available and which often contained dubious information, magazines for cross dressers that were very sexual in their content and only readily available from Adult book stores or by subscription. Some carried personal ads and for those who were very brave and adventurous there was always the option of finding bars or clubs that were friendly toward transvestites and meeting like-minded people.

So, finding information was very difficult indeed especially when compared to what is available today. However the difficult part is guessing how I would respond to the current situation with the easy access to information and to other transvestites.

I did make use of what was available several decades ago and made contact with other transvestites but I'm not sure it caused me to change my path through life and I believe the reason for that is because of my emotional condition at that time in my life. For whatever reason I was never sure that I was fully a transvestite and for many years I operated under the delusion that I just had a strong fetish for, in particular, fine lingerie. Given today's access to cross dressing forums like this I don't know if it would have dispelled my delusion earlier and changed my personal journey.

Looking back I think that two things were happening in parallel. I was on a long slow journey of self-awakening to my transvestite desires and the world around me was making it easier for me to find out more about cross dressing and cross dressers. Sometimes I imagine that if I knew what I know today about the nature of transvestism and my own needs, I would never have married. But I cannot be sure. Emotionally and hormonally I was a different person to the one I am today. So. all I can say is that I am really not sure. Looking back I do remember some crossroads where I could easily have taken a different turn but would I be any happier today for it?

[Michelle1955]

I started in the early 1960’s at about 6 or 7years old when playing with a neighbor girl also my age swapped underwear and panties to see /feel the differences between boys and Girls underwear / panties. Of course not a sexual thing at that age, all we had was the Sears and JCP catalog to look at panties, bras, hose , cloths back then to think how we would look in the girl cloths. Lots of unanswered questions in my teens, wanted to be a girl as long as I can remember. Married 39 years and have 2 girls, currently 62 years old, and wear patties 24/7, bras and cloths when the pink fog rolls in. Life is good, still would like to be a woman.

[Janine cd]

Like most of my sisters, I never knew about crossdressing as a normal way of life until well into my mid 30's. While in college, I took a course in Abnormal Psychology where I was told that "transvestism" was a mental disorder. This put me into a state of depression that lasted for many years. Fortunately, the internet came to the rescue.

[Devi SM]

I can see that most of us have regrets of the past. We didn't have enough access to knowledge, because the environment was more close than today and the concepts and definitions were totally different.
I agree with you but nobody mention religion. I knew in childhood my sexual preferences were different from the other boys but that's really sinful and dirt so I dig deep and bury them. In my twenties it was something more clear but more sinful. At the end of the forties I tried and confirm my fears and really deep suffer in silence but in my 40s I moved to USA, the internet was more open and then I began croosdressing to finally around 4 years ago it was uncontrollable. I didn't know about dyspepsia just up to 2 years ago I began to understand who I am but I stopped crying. I still alive and look backward just bring sadness so let's look forward and do whatever is need to live as we want. I don't want to reach my final day and regret haven't done what I want to do.

[IleneD]

Ellen,

This is one of the paradoxes of my life. The path not taken.
I literally had a seminal point in my life where I made a conscious decision to put away my "queer" life. [At the time, in my late teens and twenties, I thought my proclivity and girly thoughts meant I was gay.] Let's just say the times put a ton of pressure on young men to "not be queer". There came a day when I literally made a choice to not buy a new dress I longed for, or taking up a relationship with a new and wonderful woman I met. She turned out to be my wife of now 41 years. But I made the choice to follow the path of a "normal, straight, and more socially acceptable path. I buried myself in coaching sports and my military career like I was always trying to prove I could be just like the other boys.

My point is that back then (in the 60s & 70s) every expression of femme in men was lumped under gay or queer. Real homosexuality, gender disorders, drag queens, transsexuals, CD's,..... all were considered gay. Of course we had almost no way of knowing any different. I didn't. I believed it and to some extent feared it. Thank God for the internet and enlightened forums like this where I can learn the distinctions between sexuality, orientation or gender; and help put my own gender issues (The Dysphoria we all have) into perspective.

Here's the paradox. Though I might have wanted to live a more CD or femme life early as a young man, the choices I made and the path (of a 'straight life'] paid tremendous dividends. I ended up falling into a fantastic career, doing things many men only dream of. I made a beautiful family with my wife. We prospered.
There's times I look back and ponder what my life would have been like had I been true to that Femme Self and lived in "that" world. I would have still held all my talents, intelligence and abilities; just as a girl. Especially now, after suppressing my inner woman off and on for my entire life, and after finally coming to grips with my Life Issue, the urge to return to those days and have another crack at doing it looms in my memory. Would I have been the same person, only in a dress? Would I have prospered or had so many great doors of opportunity opened before me? I am not certain of that.

[Maria in heels]

I have to agree with many because I too grew up "pre-internet" and didn't understand many things. Lurking in the "shadows" literally was something that I did several times a week, at 2 am in the morning, when Maria was allowed out in the world. There were no clubs, no contacts, and no socializing....<sad>

[Kiwi Primrose]

I've always taken life as it is. The 1940s and 50s were not a time to be a sissy in our district or NZ society generally so I kept my love of womens' clothing and fashions to myself. This has adapted as times changed but I was never worried or affected by the mores of the day.

[alwayshave]

I think it would have been different in that I would not have thought I was alone. I was the only one. I knew I was not alone as a teenager when I discovered the Michael Salem's ad in the back of a magazine. I knew if there was advertising, I was not the only one.

[sarah_hillcrest]

The thing I regret is that it took me so long to try it. I remember putting on my wive's clothes a few times in my 20s and thinking I was a disgusting freak. For some reason it didn't even occur to me to shave, put on makeup, and get a wig.

[dana digs sweaters]

Sure and at what time in our lives would we of have had become aware of crossdressers?
Growing up with RuPaul would have been an eye opener for sure.
But alas we did not.....
We had Bugs Bunny and pals, Klinger from M*A*S*H*, Milton Berle reruns, Flip Wilson as Geraldine, catching a 3 Stooges short where they played women straight up,
Richie and Potsie from "Happy Days" being completely done up to join the Demons gang.......were any of these crossdressers? Hmmm....
I remember watching an episode of the television show "Room 222" where a boy was going to play an old maid in a school play.
Someone wrote "Fag" on his locker and sitting by my next 2nd older sister, I asked her what a fag was.
She told me that was a boy that liked to wear girl's clothes.
I said "Oh that's me".
She just looked at me with surprise.
She and my 4 other sister's have seen me in their clothes numerous times.
She probably thought I didn't know what I meant.
But I already knew how much fun it was to wear their clothes, whether with them or starting to wear their clothes without them.
We were bombarded with males dressed as females on a weekly basis back then before the internet introduced us to each other across the world.
Youtube makeup videos would've definitely increased from all of us ;-)
Even in school, there we were :battingeyelashes:

293634

[Ressie]

I wasn't totally in the dark in the late 60s early 70s. There was that article in Look magazine and also an article in the local newspaper. I didn't think I was the only CD.

[sometimes_miss]

I was a really messed up young man and boy. I stil am pretty screwed up. I wish i had never had this desire at all, and been normal. I tried so hard to be normal! I mean non CDing. It would have made life less solitary, and lonely.

^this. And, had I known at a young age what I know now, nothing much would have changed, other than I would not have wasted so much of my life trying to be normal if I knew that it was impossible. Like Alice, I'm a huge male; so I never had the option of transitioning to what I thought I was supposed to be. Having already grown up being treated like a freak because of a facial abnormality, being an obvious MTF TS wouldn't improve my life at all; rather, it would probably just become worse, easily countering any benefit from reducing my gender dysphoria, with hopelessness in other areas of my life. After all, being a homely guy can be countered by becoming financially successful; for a woman? Being an ugly woman restricts you to being that, forever, as women are much more actively judged by their appearance. Being an ugly FTM TS would reduce any chance of finding a female life partner to completely zero.

As if it isn't near zero, already.

[GracieRose]

If I knew what I know today when I was younger, and if society was more accepting, as it is leaning today, would life have been different for me? Of course.
Would it have been better? Who knows.
We all try to do the best with the challenges put in front of us. And as overwhelming as it can be at times, many many others have different, and bigger challenges to deal with.
I like the way Ilene summarizes it.
I try to not think about what could have been and be thankful for what I have. In the mean time, try to take advantage of what I now know (much of what I have learned through you wonderful people) and the environment today as I move forward.

[Angela Marie]

You never know what would have happened on the road not taken. Life is too full of variables to make assumptions on about what would have happened. At least society is a bit more welcoming now than in the past (take it from a 64 year old). All we have is our present and our future.

[hellkat13]

I don't know if I would have really changed anything knowing what I know now. I do wish I would have met someone way back that would have told me that makeup brushes matter though.

[Nikki A.]

If I had the information then and a site like this, my life may have taken a different turn, maybe even transitioning.
However I did not, married (twice), had two great kids with my second wife. I really didn't get too involved until my wife passed away 10 + years ago. With her death, all of our limits were off and I really started to look at who I was and where I was headed. I still don't know my final destination, but I've gone further than I would have imagined.

[Devi SM]

I can see that many of us have regrets for nit having someone or have access to more info.
Today is different plenty of info all around there's stl being teenagers even adult guys that are disoriented so what I do is to know people in chat circles od crossdressers and friendly talk with them sometimes just sharing my own experience wuthout making questions, soon some of them open with their doubts and we can develop a kind of friendship to be like an older sister for them.
I expect that very soon our condition will be more understood and the new cds, trasgenders, transexuals don't have to deal with what we deal.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Ellen :hugs:, In the mid/late 40s' when I was adducted into this program it was lonely,

The young CD's now have the world of CD information at their finger tips. >Orchid..o:daydreaming:o..

[Yukihime]

At my current place in life, my main regret is that, had I sorted out my thoughts on crossdressing earlier, I would have had far more options and time to be a young lady in the prime of her life. I've only got a few more years before I will need to decide whether to evolve my wardrobe to match my age or simply stop my public outings and dress privately only.

[Beverley Sims]

Knowing what I know now I would have stayed on hormone therapy and transitioned along with two other girls who did at the time.