Told my girlfriend

[ClaireWearsDresses]

First person I ever told and she can't handle it. Breaks my heart. I was very explicit. Heels, dresses, skirts, underwear, makeup. I told her everything. I know it's a lot to take in for her. Just trying to vent but I feel like I really blindsided her. We were gonna get married soon. She demanded that I show her pictures and I did, and that made it really hard for her. Such a tough situation. I feel happy to have admitted it to somebody but so weird. She thinks I have a psychiatric disorder. I need to vent.

[bridget thronton]

Give her some time to process - perhaps things will improve

[Lydianne]

Claire, don't break heart yet. It's still way too early.

Clearly her reaction is reflex and she isn't pre-informed about TG issues. So give her a chance to absorb the news and inform herself. Meanwhile, you get your personal answers ready to the best of your ability so that if she does decide to give you a chance and come back with a barrel of questions, you would be able to tell her everything you know that applies to you, provide reassurances when you know they're possible, and not provide reassurances that you might have to break further down the line.

Way to early to project your future yet. But at least you didn't tell her 10 years down the line after marriage when the choices for how you both proceed would have been much more limited.

Best of luck.

- Lydianne.

[DaisyLawrence]

Well you haven't got a psychiatric disorder but that belief is proof of some serious conditioning by society in your girlfriends mind. That level of conditioning is hard to break down and takes time. What she needs to know and see is that you are EXACTLY the same person you were before your revelation. If she loved the person you were before then she still should. She also needs to realise that all this is part of who you are and probably one of the reasons she loved you in the first place. If she can't come to realise this and it all fails, she probably didn't love you in the first place.

[Rachelakld]

reckon, by definition we all have a "disorder"
my wife likes the fact my disorder isn't "controlling", "angry", "abusive" like her last husband.
my ex has a "religious" disorder that's crippling her relationship with our 15 year old (as it did with me 12 years ago).

It's better you told her now, than after the marriage.

[confused_cathreen]

I am on polar opposites to Daisy's pov. Being willing to try to understand and empathise with your partner after a relevation like this has absolutely nothing to do with loving someone. It's not even about "social conditioning" or sexuality. It's all about who you are inside and how you view your partner in your head with the facts you thought you knew about them. Accusing someone who isnt able to come to terms with new facts after you misrepresented yourself for a long time is not only unfair but totally hypocritical. If this is something inate in you and you hid if from her, its your fault and not hers. Trying to shift blame doesn't change the fact. If she was inately polyamorous and she never told you about it but now she expected you to accept it and welcome a third party in your relationship because you "love" her, the whole forum would be up in arms and shouting "burn the witch". My suggestion is always give as you want to receive. If it's understanding of your position, do the same for her. If it is patience while you try to give her the facts, be ready to do the same. You have the opportunity to show her that you will fight for your relationship, use it. And dont ever tell her, if you love me, you will accept me. Because this is not love, its blackmail. Good luck.

[alwayshave]

Claire, I have that disorder too. Her perception is the same as a lot of people have. It's wrong, but not uncommon. Did you feel her out on the subject before you did the big reveal?

[ClaireWearsDresses]

Thanks so much everyone for your advice. Confused cathreen, you make a fair point and that's how she sees it too. As a violation of her trust after a year together. And you're right, I'd never tell her that she has to accept it if she loves me.

And alwayshave, I tried to test the waters and she actually never seemed that she'd be accepting of it, but I felt like I had to tell her anyway.

[Queen Bridget]

We were gonna get married soon.

You're going to marry someone who thinks you have a psychiatric disorder because of the way you like to dress?

Walk away. You are going to ruin your life.

[Rayleen]

Claire,

As Bridget said, give her time to absorb and she will probably have other questions like "are you gay"

Get your answer ready and tell her your needs and make sure you reaffirm your love for her if you do love her.


Good luck, Rayleen

[Bobbi46]

"Phsichatric disorder"? nothing could be further from the truth! we are born like this! we were meant to be like this.You did right by telling her of your dressing because to have kept it a secret and then she discovered your interest some years down the line, life then could become difficult. I am a firm believer of being honest.
Sadly if I was you I would strike out anew this relationship will go nowhere but be a cause of disagreement and unhappiness.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Well be sure that you did the right thing and she should know that to. It doesn't go away, and in most people's experience you can ignore it only for so long. She should know that many CDs wouldn't have the courage to tell their girlfriends.

In regards to the notion of cross dressing as a psychiatric disorder; A mental disorder, also called a mental illness or psychiatric disorder, is a behavioral or mental pattern that causes significant distress or impairment of personal functioning. ...

Twenty years ago a guy about my age that worked at the same store as as me in the bakery got fired when he pulled down his pants and showed all the women there his lacy panties. He was suffering from depression, dysphoria, and crippling anxiety. I saw him a few months later at a parking lot about half way cross dressed, and I could tell he was freaking out, we talked for a few minutes and then he almost ran away. I'd always believed growing up I had a mental disorder for all the strange desires I had, but I realized what a real mental disorder is like.

Do you feel significant distress or impairment? I don't.

Anyway, confused Cathreen is correct in her advice I think, you can't make someone accept this, but you can giver her time and try to explain things.

[sometimes_miss]

Do not give her any pictures, and do not let her take any of you. There are websites and apps where women post information on their exes, just like there are those for men, where they warn other women about bad men, and unfortunately, most people think that we are defective or not dateable in some way. I've been through being blackmailed over my crossdressing, and I don't want it to happen to you. Unless, of course, you're 'out' and like it that way.

[Tracii G]

Best that you got that out in the open now rather than later after you married.
Don't think that if you just get married it will all get better and you will stop. Good chance its not and you are going to ruin both your lives.
Reverse things how would you react if your GF out of the blue said I want to dress and act like a man?
Buys the clothes and starts acting like a guy around your friends.
Your relationship is not all about you remember that.

[Yukihime]

I'd give her a bit of space and time to process. Unless you've been hinting to her and building up to a big reveal over the course of your courtship, a new revelation like this would likely cause a lot of conflicting feelings in her at the beginning.

That said, even if she accepts this new aspect of you eventually, do be careful to make sure that she is truely accepting of your dressing, or if she's thinking she can train it out of you eventually or worse, hold it over your head as collateral whenever she wants her way on something.

I truely hope for your sake that her initial reaction is due to shock, rather than any prejudice - that said, a year is not really that long a time for a relationship, but it is a good time to have brought this up I think. Just enough time to know each other, but not yet to the point of too big to fail.

[Alyssa Lane]

Traci G
I hear this all the time, but what is exactly “acting like a man”?
Sure if they said they want a penis, it might be a bit different, but most already wear guys style clothes..... pants, tshirts, and most can easily pull off wearing a suit.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Traci G
I hear this all the time, but what is exactly “acting like a man”?
Sure if they said they want a penis, it might be a bit different, but most already wear guys style clothes..... pants, tshirts, and most can easily pull off wearing a suit.

I've thought this same thing. For example if my wife wanted to start wearing boxer shorts, so what. Wanted to start wearing polos and khakis, no problem. What if she wanted to get a buzz cut? Umm, OK. What if she wanted to start wearing a goatee? Umm...

You are definitely right though, there is a huge parity between what is acceptable clothing for a woman, and a man. My wife could pull anything from my closet (boy or girls side LOL) and wear it anywhere with no issue.

[Judy-Somthing]

Wow everyone says it's better to tell the wife to be what's she's getting into.
I told my wife two years ago after 35 years of marrige, she freaked and said she would have never married me!

Now two years later she loves me one week and hates me the next.
Right now I'm deep in the closet.
Today she says she loves me.

Oh well I hope things work out well for you!

[Stephanie47]

I think the GG's who participate on this site will say you did the right thing. You gave your fiance a choice. She may drop you like a hot potato. Maybe not. But, you laid it all out there before tying the knot. Now the burden of keeping your secret is now a shared secret and possibly a burden in a marriage. As has been related so many times on this forum a woman may change her mind from acceptance to intolerance or worse. "I feel happy to have admitted it to somebody" seems to be a phrase arising all the time. You did the right thing, but, also created a burden for her as well as you. The fact she said you have a psychiatric disorder is based on lack of credible information. That does not mean once she gains knowledge she will find cross dressing is something she wants to deal with in a marriage.

And, do not bring up this worn out reasoning that women can wear men's clothing while men cannot wear women's clothing. I would recommend premarital counseling to work this out.

[nikkiwindsor]

I told my wife about my feminine side before we were married. For me, one of the wisest decision I've ever made. Nikki p.s. it hasn't been easy, NOT at all, but we love & cherish each other immensely and we've been married more than 31 years. We both admit that we have our unique nature and habits and we've learned long ago not to judge one another and to accept each for who we are and that we are committed and faithful to one another.

[GracieRose]

You did the best thing telling her before you got married.
If you are like everyone else here, it won't go away, no matter how hard you try to make it disappear.
That information was a BIG surprise to her, and a lot to absorb,
Give her time and keep the lines of communication open.
Don't push her.
She may realize that you are the same person that she fell in love with, or she may decide that she just can't deal with it.
It's better for her to sort it out now rather than after you are married, with children possibly involved.

[Micki_Finn]

Sorry to hear it, but you said yourself that she had shown no previous inclination towards acceptance so you can’t be that surprised right? It is good that you told her before you got married. Divorces and annulments can be ugly. I think maybe you made a mistake by waiting so long. Probably something that should have come up as soon as the relationship started getting serious, but we all live and learn. Good luck.

[Aunt Kelly]

Thanks so much everyone for your advice. Confused cathreen, you make a fair point and that's how she sees it too. As a violation of her trust after a year together. And you're right, I'd never tell her that she has to accept it if she loves me.
The "psychiatric disorder" is just a convenient rationalization. It may or may not be a deeply held (if ignorant) belief. The real damage was done by the deception. Getting past that, to a place where she might be open to education and enlightenment will be more difficult because of that. Don't think that I am berating you, but do consider what might have happened if you had come clean at the point your relationship first started to get serious, if you had sat her down and told her of your feelings for her and that because of those feelings, there was something that you needed to share with her.

[kimdl93]

The most difficult subject to address within the cross dressing community is that of whether its a disorder or not. (Please, know that this discussion DOES NOT APPLY to gender dysphoria). From recent literature, it seems that cross dressing becomes a disorder, if and when it causes or contributes to stress, anxiety, low self esteem on the part of a person, and/or creates problems in that person's social or professional life. So, it would seem that cross dressing can be considered a disorder if it disturbs you sufficiently, and if it disturbs those important to you sufficiently.

Clearly this isn't like the measles. Perhaps more like alcohol consumption. People can and many do enjoy alcohol without experiencing adverse consequences in health, relationships, or professional life. Others have their lives ruined by alcohol dependency. Those of us who have been around a while have seen those who successfully incorporate cross dressing into their lives, and those who suffer emotional distress and social losses as a consequence.

More difficult still is determining how to deal with such a "disorder". Therapy is generally aimed at resolving anxieties and improving self acceptance. (Another way of saying learning to live with it) A few studies linking "transvestitism" and OCD have documented benefits of medication. And interestingly, a number of males who have reached their later years, when the sexual aspects of cross dressing diminish, may continue their affinity for this activity, and at times meet the criteria for treatment of gender dysphoria. (Which seems to bring us back to where we started)

[char GG]

You did the right thing by telling her about your dressing prior to marriage. I agree with many of the responses that say to give her time to digest and learn about CDing.

Many GG’s don’t realize that there are people out there that really CD! They think of CDing as drag queens and Caitlin Jenner, not anyone else. Many GGs have never knowingly met a CDer. She has to learn and find out how it affects you. Are you a casual dressers, one day week, a month, 2 times a year or do you have to dress every day and toy with transition? She will have to know all of that! What is most important in your life? CDing or her (or something else)? You should answer her honestly and know yourself how you feel. Also, what is in it for her? Do you like to frequent bars alone or are you willing to include her if she chooses to participate?

I totally disagree with Queen Bridget. You should not walk away. You have known all along that you CD. Your girlfriend just found out. Big surprise. Not usually a revelation that makes just informed GGs jump for joy, do cartwheels, and clap their hands while they say “goody goody”. If you walk now, her perception and fears of CDing are confirmed. Now is the time to get real, honest, and show her your feelings for her have not changed.

Confused Cathreen is also a just informed girlfriend and has excellent advice for you.

[Teresa]

Claire,
There is never a right time to tell a partner , it is always a tough one to know how to face .

Cathreen ,
I don't agree with this attitude . I know you can throw examples of what women can throw back in a male partners face but it's damned hard for a man to come to terms with this in the first place , many boys/men have to wear a rigid straightjacket that most GGs don't experience , to breakout of that takes courage , most of us struggle when we realise we have a female trait which is only dealt with by CDing . To admit that to ourselves is hard enough , we have to come to terms with it before we can even attempt to tell our wives/ partners . To accuse us us witholding , lying and decietfulness is no help , we really don't have full control over such a powerful force .

I'm going to accept that as a woman I would be very annoyed if I called it a hobby , I've often said that I couldn't insult my wife and family with that reason . I'm sure none of us do it to intentionally upset our partners and yet it's often the message that comes across .

I believe what Claire needs to do now is let the dust settle and also go away and write the whole CDing history down , that way she can answer some of her own questions, maybe get a clearer insight into what she would truthfully like to do now and in the future. That gives the impession to her GF that she has taken the trouble to be more truthful , if the GF can't live with the reality of what had been written down then it's probably sensible to call it a day . What Claire mustn't do is start making promises she can't keep , she now has the chance to honest with herself as well as her GF .

CDing is for life , whether it ebbs and flows or is continuous as in my case , but it's not going away .

[Jenny22]

Claire, two days have passed, now. Has she changed or modified her feelings in any way?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Claire :hugs:, And now we are playing the waiting game waiting for her reply. >Orchid ..o:daydreaming:o

[ClosetED]

Transvestism is not a mental health condition and is not listed in the DSM. However, transvestic disorder, which is described as the practice of cross-dressing when accompanied both by sexual excitement and emotional distress or social impairment as a result of the excitement, is listed as a paraphilic disorder in the DSM.
And yes, the evidence suggests a genetic reason why we do this. You are correct to have told her before marriage, but is it true you hid this. She came to love the person you are, which may include feminine awareness and appreciations. Unless she asked you about this and lied,then did you hide it?
It still doesn't make this easy
Hugs, Ellen

[Joni T]

Breaking up now is a LOT better and cheaper than marriage and divorce. Ask me why I know (and no, dressing had nothing to do with either divorce).
Jon

[ClaireWearsDresses]

Hey everybody,

Thanks for all your helpful comments. So she is definitely starting to come around in a big way. We both want to stay together, and she is still trying to process things and decide how to proceed. She was just extremely surprised and didn't see it coming at all. Yesterday she kind of went back and forth on things, feeling betrayed by me for hiding it for a year and almost as if I'd been "cheating" on her with my dressing up, as if she isn't feminine enough since I need another source of femininity in my life. But later on she was very kind and almost playfully teasing me about it, in a funny way. I know I shouldn't have hidden it, but I've explained to her that I've never told anybody before and how hard it was to build up courage to do so. I've apologized. She really wants to know why I do which I am having a difficult time explaining. She understands that I don't have gender identity issues and that I much prefer being a man after some questioning. She asked if I'm gay, which I'm not. She is afraid of me changing my mind in 20 years or about our kids finding out.

We both believe that we are soulmates, and we're both hopeful that we will get through this. We actually had very good sex last night too which was great. I am just being as patient and empathetic as I can with her. One day at a time for now, I guess.

[Aunt Kelly]

That is certainly a positive turn of events. Education, for both of you, will help. Counseling wouldn't hurt. You both will benefit from an authority other than yourself, explaining things. Don't push. Just offer those things and let her pursue... or reject, at her pace. Also, I would point out, only somewhat flippantly, that in twenty years, you might be fat, bald, alcoholic, or develop a burning need to own a Corvette. So make sure that she know that you intend to continue to see to her happiness, even if you can't change this part of your nature.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Shayna]

It's good that you told her. Mine found out after over 10 years of marriage and she had a similar reaction, even though I was found out instead of coming clean myself. There's no playbook for this, other than to give her space to figure out he she feels, and know that you really can't bottle it up, because the desire to dress will always come back. That being said, you can probably live with some ground rules that respect her feelings.

[Beverley Sims]

It seems that it is cruel to be kind, but I think your outcome is the best course.

Of course it hurts for now, hopefully you can both resolve the issue over time.

[-Elle-]

I am just being as patient and empathetic as I can with her. One day at a time for now, I guess.

Sounds like the right approach, take things slow and be open with her (I say that knowing it’s something I need to do more of too).

[Rebecca Star]

Hi Claire,

From my own experiences (I've always told my SO's within the first few months of dating). Though, there have been some ladies I've dated, who, I just know wouldn't be accepting, no matter what. In those situations, I ended it. Not judging anyone else, but I could never keep that part of me hidden.

Thankfully, your girlfriend seems like she will eventually come around and be OK with your dressing :)

Seems the majority of girlfriends et al when told about our altered persona's, all tend to jump to similar questions/statements straight up. Hence, here's a few things that spring to mind (from my experience) which I thought might be helpful for you both...



Answer questions 100% truthfully.
Try to avoid sweating the what if's (no one regardless of gender or preference knows what the future holds).
In the 1'st few months, your girlfriend will likely run emotionally hot/cold. EG - be understanding (accepting), then not so cool with it.
Seems the #1 question/assumption is that your either bisexual &/or want to live 24/7 as a female (it's not 1 size fits all - there are lots of hetro guys who CD).
If your really up against it, then throw in this curve-ball (it can put your CDing into a relative perspective)... Females have been wearing clothes once considered a man's domain, for years now. Yet no bats an eye lid. However, when a guy wants to wear a dress etc, most people loose their mind. (that really makes them think)


It's early days... You both will experience highs and lows.

Keep in mind, you've had literally years to come to terms with your fem-side. Your girlfriend also needs time to process this information.


hugs

Lisa

[char GG]

Rebecca Star,
Four of your five points to the OP are excellent. The 5th one is not so good. Women typically don’t wear “men’s clothes” to try to pass as men. They wear women’s clothes made for women according to the fashion of this day and age. My husband tried that rational with me a long time ago and it is extremely irritating. This is not the 40’s, 50’s, or the Donna Reed Show.

To the OP:
Please don’t try Rebecca Star’s point number 5. It makes no sense and may just may be counterproductive.

[Maria in heels]

please don't be insulted by what your girlfriend said today because she has just experienced her world turned upside down by your talk with her. She needs some time to process, cry, be angry, and hopefully then she will not do anything but ask you certain questions that I think that all of us have been thru at one point or another. Maybe she wanted to see pictures because she didn't believe you, and once she can start to process, you must realize that it is a lot for a girlfriend or a wife to actually ask to see pictures... please give her time

[confused_cathreen]

I agree with Char, point #5 is not something I would want to hear, if you were expecting compassion from me. The fact that women are able to wear trousers made for them came after some of them fought for it and died in the process. It wasn't just accepted easily by the establishment,i.e the male population. They never tried to pass as men, they just needed to wear the clothes for practical reasons.
I agree though that in theory, men should be able to wear what they want as it would also be helpful to women since it would spare them from situations like what your gf is going through atm. Be warned about the too much too early phenomenon, under no circumstances should you appear dressed in front of her, regardless of her asking. If she does ask, tell her that you would like to do that with her one day but you don't feel it's the right time yet. If you appear secretive or that you want to keep this strictly personal, this will appear autoerotic and that you get your "kicks" without her and therefore, she'll start questioning whether she is redundant in this relationship. Which also might be something you need to start thinking about, how do you plan to intergrate crossdressing in your relationship? Do you hope for tolerance, acceptance or participation? Do you wish to bring it to the bedroom? She might ask you for a short term plan, whats the first thing you want her to get her head around. Think of what your answer would be. Oh, and more importantly, don't get lost in the fog. She might not be inclined to go looking for you.

[ClaireWearsDresses]

Interestingly enough, SHE brought up point #5 on Rebecca Star's list, which I also disagree with. I countered that it's more of an accepted/practical issue along the lines of what Cathreen mentioned, and that if she secretly dressed up in a tux and put on a fake beard and men's toupee in the mirror, then that would be more akin to the issue at hand. I think that's maybe a good way to empathize with how our GGs feel about us as CDs. However, I do agree that every other one of Rebecca's points are excellent.

And yes Maria, the picture was for proof, because she was so shocked at first that she didn't believe me and thought I was playing a joke on her. Unfortunately, that may have been too much too soon for her.

[CONSUELO]

Claire,

Its messy and I sympathize with your current situation. But look at the other side of this too. First you are not in any way suffering from a psychiatric disorder. Second, you are not going to drop being a cross dresser even though, like many others here you may try. Better that she finds our from you telling her than for you to suffer for years trapped in a secret closet and one day finding her opening the closet door.

Indeed it is tough but on balance I think you did the right thing. Your fiancé seems to have a very closed mind. It is up to her to open it up and educate herself.

[Desiree2bababe]

Been there, done that however mine asked to see so I went and got dressed for her. Of course all the normal questions arose and I regret I did not tell her I'd been with men also but that came to light later in life after we married. You did the right thing, trust me. Mine was ok with dressing but not the the extent I took it, which she did not know of until she came to realize I had as many pretty things as she did and did not just stop at dressing. Good luck, you will find someone who accepts you for you.

[suzanne]

Im so glad your relationship is strong enough to withstand the initial shock of your revelation. Not everyone is so fortunate. Best of luck going forward.

[Maid_Marion]

All relationships have issues of one sort or another. It is good that you told her early in the relationship.

[DMichele]

Claire,
I commend you for your honesty. As for your SO, this revelation or discovery was initially monumental, I am sure. Your second post indicates a willing on her part to learn the answers to the why, how, when and other questions. Give her time, continue with the open approach, and admit you may not know all the answers to her questions.
Best wishes, and I hope the two of you can find commonality and move on.

[Patrica Gil]

PSHCHIATRIC DISORDER. My ex was pretty much on the same page. The way you mentioned she demanded to see pictures of you dressed. Demanded, that is pretty strong statement. Almost makes one think she has a temper problem. My ex has a temper problem and cannot control it. Though she didn’t believe she needed counseling for it, hmm. Moses did not enter the promise land because he had a bad temper.
The question now is does this woman love you for the person that is you, or the package you bring. Package, you know income, promise of a good future, those things that matter to a lot of people. In the end don’t we want to be loved for the person that we are, not what others think we should be.
Yes, I wear dresses, hose, and heels a lot. Still the core person that is me has not changed. Taking care of my family and those around me matter most to me, and being honest and fair with other people. You know treat other in the best manner we can. What has changed? More of those around me know, and yes, they love me. Good luck.

[Sara Fina]

Honesty is always the best answer. Take it slow and acclimate her to it one day at a time. Sit down with her and be kind and explain with sincerity. Most women get upset because we weren’t upfront with it to begin with.

[Cheshire girl]

Yes it should come right with patience

[Hozeguy]

My wife knows I wear hose but I haven’t yet told her about wearing heels, dresses, etc. Not really sure how to approach it. Any advice?

[Veronica Lacey]

Hi Claire...

All I can think to say is:
No matter how things pan out you will never regret disclosing this to her. This is you and this is real. She needed to know and you needed to share it.

Hang in there!

[ClaireWearsDresses]

Hozeguy,

I told my girlfriend about everything all at once. Wigs, makeup, and all. Lucky for me, she is amazing and has become very understanding. She has even told me that I shouldn't be embarrassed about it (which I sometimes am) and that she thinks Claire is cool! My advice would be to be honest but not reveal too much too fast. My girlfriend wants to see more pics of me but I'm afraid of it messing with her perception of me as her boyfriend and I told her that. Maybe some day.

At this point I don't know where this will go. Of course I would love her to dress me up. But for now, she is actually letting me buy her things to dress her up, which I've always wanted to do. I might even do her makeup for her. I am lucky to be with an amazing and understanding woman who loves me, but obviously not everybody is so lucky. I haven't tried to push her to see me as Claire, and I have even prevented her from seeing more pics. She freaked out at first, but she has really gotten over it since then and says she doesn't care at this point. But I am so happy I told her, as it was eating away at me before.

[Alice Torn]

Kim, Interesting post. I tend to agree. Like alcoholism, or drugs, or over eating, it too, can take over ones's entire life, and one can lose control, and end up in a world of hurt. Same with gambling.

- - - Updated - - -

The old Niel Sedaka song,"Breaking up is hard to do". Well, not so hard, when a girlfriend finds out.. I would suggest not having any sex before marriage, too.

[sometimes_miss]

If she loved the person you were before then she still should. She also needs to realise that all this is part of who you are and probably one of the reasons she loved you in the first place.
We don't fall in love with the person. We fall in love with what we KNOW of that person. Finding out that they are someone completely different can easily eliminate that love. Oh, say, fall in love with someone and then find out that they are the one responsible for killing your whole family? Hmmm, maybe that might change the love you had. That's an extreme example, but basically, when a woman finds out that we aren't the masculine male she thinks we were, that love can vanish real quick.

The most difficult subject to address within the cross dressing community is that of whether its a disorder or not. (Please, know that this discussion DOES NOT APPLY to gender dysphoria). From recent literature, it seems that cross dressing becomes a disorder
It's not so much whether it's technically recognized as a psychiatric illness, it's whether the woman we're involved with thinks it is. Why? Because we don't get to choose what turns us on, or turns us off. If the thought of her mate as a feminine person is a sexual turn off for her, and that is what you have become, then there's no reasoning in the world that is going to make you sexy again in her mind. Nothing. Sure, she can still love you for all the wonderful things about you. But still find you sexually desirable? Nope. This is what is causes people to be stuck in the 'friend zone'; lack of sexual desirability....and even more important, something about them that is a sexual turn off.

Hey everybody,

Thanks for all your helpful comments. So she is definitely starting to come around in a big way. We both want to stay together, and she is still trying to process things and decide how to proceed. She was just extremely surprised and didn't see it coming at all. Yesterday she kind of went back and forth on things, feeling betrayed by me for hiding it for a year and almost as if I'd been "cheating" on her with my dressing up
This is because women expect complete honesty from the men they date, but reserve deception for themselves. It's due to the huge implications that may result for a female who mates with the wrong male; she may very well be stuck raising a child for many years alone if she chooses a mate unwisely. Hence, the anger women have about feeling 'fooled' about what we are.


She really wants to know why I do which I am having a difficult time explaining.
^this is the danger. If we cannot come up with a reason for why we crossdress, the person we're trying to explain it to, will simply come up with their own reason, and that reason will almost always be one of two things: 1. You're gay, or 2. You're a transsexual. Neither is an acceptable answer to a woman for choosing a mate.



Honesty is always the best answer.
Nope, no it isn't. Telling a wife that the reason she looks fat is because she's fat, is NOT the best answer. Telling your young children that their mother is a nymphomaniac and that's the reason they have so many 'uncles' visiting, is not the best answer. There are so many instances where the truth is NOT the best answer.
Married for 40 years and feel the need to blurt out to your wife that you had a torrid affair with her sister while wifey was pregnant? And you've been faithful for the next 33 years? She's happy now, What point would that have? To make her feel deceived for 33 years? Just to be 'honest'?
No, honesty is NOT always the best answer. Not even about crossdressing. Each situation must stand on it's own.

[Patricia_Campi]

Claire, I am with you on this. Take small steps. Don´t show everything at once!

In my opinion, this is the best way for her to accept. Show her that you is still you.

Kisses.

Patricia