In the head

[Helen_Highwater]

Regularly posts appear relating people’s sorties out into the wide world and these are usually accompanied by replies saying, “I wish I could find the courage”. This got me thinking about things I’d done that took away or at least diminished the anxiety of being out and about. Things that once done made me realise that it was all in my head.
So here’s my three.

1. Getting a foundation match. I went from rabbit in headlights to totally relaxed in minutes. The SA didn’t bat an eyelid in dealing with me in the same way she’d have dealt with any GG asking for the same. Moreover, Joe public went about their day, no-one paying me any attention, at least not that I saw.

2. Traveling on public transport both trains and buses. Sat on a busy bus or train you’re there cheek by jowl, nowhere to hide, in plain view. What happened? I ended up talking to a GG about just how poor the service was, later moving on to holidays.

3. Using the female changing room. A little rider here. I will only use those which are individual cubicles which thankfully most are these days, the fad for “Open plan” having been consigned to the history books under, “Whose daft idea was that?” I’ve been asked by the attendant the usual did you like it, how was it for size but that’s as far as it’s gone.

So I’ll say to save anyone else. I don’t pass certainly close inspection. I can pass folks by in a crowd as I feel I do a fairly good job of blending. That said that comes from gaining the confidence to act naturally from events such as those I’ve listed.

I realised that what members here were writing about unfounded fear, it’s more in our heads than actually present was such wisdom. So the more you banish the fear, the better it becomes, the more you banish the fear. But, and I accept this to be the reality of life, taking those first steps is a stressful thing to do. All I and others can do is tell it like it is and hope that empowers others who long to go out.

So, here’s the question. Those who have ventured out, what events gave you the greatest boost of confidence or diminished even banished your fears?

[Lana Mae]

I can relate to much of what you have said! I went to the MAC counter in the mall and got done up much as a GG would have and I was scared 1/2 to death but no one said anything! When I finally evaluated this experience and it took days for me to do that! I realized most people pay no attention to those around them! This really boosted my confidence and led on to other out and about experiences! Then a few trips to the grocery store and to get gas and most of the fear is gone! Most folks out there really do not care! Go out when you can, be safe, and share your experiences here! Best wishes! Hugs Lana Mae

[Jenny22]

Without a doubt, Dive Las Vegas this past April. It was an exhilerating, fantastic experience! Full femme, 24/7 for 7days and never a negative experience. The elevators were fun!

[NancySue]

You are soooo right. When I am dressed to go out, I always experience many “what if’s” and doubts...too much makeup, will I blend in, will I be seen or read, etc. I psyche myself to think positive and go. By the time I start my car, the negatives are over and off I go. I’ve had great experiences at Payless, Dress Barn and Macy’s cosmetics. I know the SA’s know, but they maintain eye contact, smiles, and a great sense of humor. At Macy’s, we moved to a more private place at the counter so we could talk. It was exhilarating. I noticed she wore hose for which I complimented her. She saw mine and smiled. I asked her what was her favorite brand. She replied..Hanes Silk Reflections. I smiled and said..me too. I kidded her betting they were the first things taken off when she got home. Her smile said it all. Haven’t used a changing room...yet.

[Courtney_29]

awesome insight ladies ☺️ . good tips for someone like me especially as i am only 2 months into dressing. still gaining confidence in myself. but i would love to go out in public as most everybody else. did anyone go out with someone else their first time? or all solo

[Suzi Q]

My first time out was after I asked the lady I bought a $20 wig from on Craig's List about if she could help me with makeup and nail polish. She recommended a nail salon for me to go to and a Sephora for a make over. She said she would wait with me while I was getting the make over. I made appointments and I went to the nail salon she suggested about 5 miles from my home and they did my nails and applied my red polish while I was still en drab. I drove to the mall on the other side of town and changed into a dress and heels put on my wig and went into the mall to meet the lady in Sephora's at my appointment time. I wore large women's sunglasses and no makeup. A technician did my makeover and the lady suggested the products to buy to spend the $50 needed to cover the makeover. After the makeover we walked around inside the mall until she met her daughter at one of the stores.

After seeing how easy it was, there was no stopping me! I've been to places with hundreds of people (cars shows) to one owner shops and parks and have never had a bad experience anywhere.

The only problem is that now I need to do the whole dress up and make up and get out and interact with people to feel satisfied with my experience. I usually ask some one at each venue to take a photo of me to remember the occasions. There are women of all shapes and sizes, so it doesn't matter what YOUR physical size is. Just wear clothing, make up, and possibly jewelry that someone your age and size would wear and you will be accepted.

Suzi Q

[Tracii G]

Courtney for me it was solo for a good year then I found my trans group and after than I would go out with the girls and get dinner and hang out.
I would think going out your first time with a friend or Tgirl would be better.

[KatrinaK]

Suzi, I didn’t know you could get more than one item at Sephora for $50! LOL

I totally agree with getting foundation matched. It’s hugely confidence building not only in the action of doing it, but then having the right foundation and color for your skin type and tone.

I just got a retroactive raise, and I’m going to the Sephora trans class this Sunday so I’m pretty much gonna go as bonkers as I can in there without provoking a divorce ;)

I recommend buying Tarte and Urban Decay stock now if you want to benefit from that.

[susan54]

I have ventured out hundreds of times without any issues. I can't think of any challenges I have not met. No problems. Zero. The most frightening was being introduced as Susan to someone I work with. She later grabbed me in a drunken embrace. No recognition. If you can survive that you can survive anything. Some shop assistants have even assumed I am a woman which amazed me as I do not think I pass. I have had numerous compliments on my poise, my legs and my figure. It has ALL been good. Nothing negative. Now I can't think of excuses not to go out except for the hassle of completing the change in a lay-by.

Anyone who is scared need not be. Yes, you will be recognised as a cross-dresser. No, the sky doesn't fall in. No one cares if you are a man dressed as a woman, least of all shop assistants. There is something magical about that first few moments as you leave the car, putting your handbag over your shoulder, locking the car door and clicking along the road in your heels. No feeling like it. Go for it. You will love it.

[Suzi Q]

KatrinaK,

It was actually two items, but I had to kick in extra cash for over the $50!!

Suzi Q

[KatrinaK]

That’s the likely story!

I’ve been quoted as saying they should have called the store Forty Dollars, cause that’s the price of everything in it. (With the exception of the $1200 aging creams made of unicorn tears)

[Helen_Highwater]

Gurls,

Can I bring you back to the question? "Those who have ventured out, what events gave you the greatest boost of confidence or diminished even banished your fears? "

Other things for me, being waited upon in a restaurant and treated as any other diner. McDonald's, actually going into one to buy a takeout, teenagers, families with kids, all the "Avoid at all costs", nothing nada, nowt, nil, nothing untoward. Even asked an assistant how to use the smart screens to order. All well. Buying fuel, shopping in supermarkets, eating in cafe's. Driving about.....easy peasy.

I'll be truthful here, as I said, I'll get read close up and some people have been a little cold in their dealings with me. Expect it, it goes with the turf. Water off a duck's back. However I've grown to consider that to be their problem not mine. It's they who are in the wrong. I'm breaking no laws, I'm harming no-one. It's for them to get over it and arrive in this century.

I know there are those for whom going out doesn't even slightly appear on their radar. Dressing at home meets their needs. That's fine, can't argue with that. However for those who feel the need to step outside I hope my tales and those of others provide some incentive and support that enables them realise their desires.

[Aunt Kelly]

It's going to sound odd, but it was the few negative experiences that gave me the most confidence. I've related this before here, but since you asked... LOL
First time out in public, ever, at Riviera Casino in Las Vegas. Nervous as hell, like any first timer. My wife had to remind me to breathe. Stepped off the elevator into a crowded casino and it felt like every eye in the place as on me. In truth, it was only the tourists, and only some of them, but some of the much were gape-mouthed. One or two pointed. At that point, I might have bolted, but that little voice in my head said, "I got this." In that moment I realized that the gapers were the truly shocked ones, and I managed to throw my shoulders back a little more and hold my head a little higher as we moved through the crowd. I may have even managed to smile, but I won't swear to that. Another thirty seconds in and I realize that I'm just "part of the show", something the folks from Iowa will tell their friends and family about when they get back home. It was never hard after that. The few scowls or raised eyebrows I've encountered since then only reinforce the notion that the problem is theirs, not mine. If my smile does not disarm them, it will almost always make them turn away. There's power in that.

[Rachael Leigh]

So many all to true stories here. Once I got passed the thought everyone was staring at me, and they may have been being
6”2 I just decided to own it and enjoy it. Now it’s quite routine and I’m quite sure that many can tell but I’m just another
trans girl out and about and as our friend here Kandi says the more we are out there the more accepting folks will be

[Yukihime]

I picked up pretty early on that as long as I put in enough effort and wore clothes that flattered my figure well, most SAs would fall into either of two categories:

1. Couldn't tell if I was male at all

2. Couldn't care less and just wanted to make money

I think the biggest boost to my confidence is hearing SAs address me as Ma'am or Miss no matter where I go. And that one time I got whistled at by a guy when I was walking past!

[docrobbysherry]

Why, Helen, how could u? U left out the most important one!:eek:

And, the ONLY ONE that turns going out dressed from torture to a treat for me.
Just go out to vanilla venue with your T girl friends!:hugs:

I don't enjoy the flak, fish eyes, giggles, etc. when out by myself. But, either there isn't any of that or I'm having so much fun I don't notice when out with the girls. I can't think of anywhere I wouldn't go with them!:D

[Beverley Sims]

Spontaneous interaction from others espeially if I am looking at something with a quizzical look.

You do have to reply to a "Can I help you?"

Damned rude if you don't and a lost opportunity to test your limits.

I have learned it is easier to accept help than even try to refuse it. :-)

If someone calls you sir just think...... I failed that one, must try harder next time.

And..... Keep smiling. :-)

[Wiccle]

Definitely it's when you get called miss or darlin' or sweetheart that really lifts me. Had a few wolf whistles - almost been disappointed when I predicted them & they never came.

[KatrinaK]

I got called miss by a kiosk employee selling hair extensions on my famous prance through the mall (first time out of the house) and it was the highlight of the experience.

When my wife and I went for dinner (second time out of the house) we were greeted with “welcome ladies” and that was kinda cool too. The highlight of that experience was all the boys buying me drinks at the club afterwards! I literally didn’t buy one all night.

[Sophie Yang]

Helen,

I'll break it into broad categories, not in any particular order

People who should have recognized me and did not:
Early on, I conducted an experiment when I was working in SF. Based on a recommendation from a gal I met,I went to a lingerie shop, Lusciouswear, and spoke with the owner for about an hour or so in drab. The next day I returned dressed and talked with the owner again. She did not put the two visits together until we got around to the order that we discussed the day before. The first time I showed up at my mom's house, she wasn't going to let me in. Another time, I was meeting my brother dressed for the first time for lunch and he walked pass the table a couple of times before I motioned for him to sit down.

Ma'amed:
Twice that I can recall, I haved been ma'amed while in full drab mode.

Hit on:
I don't drink often, but have been hit on while alone at bars to socialize and dance. Kind of expect it at a bar. Outside of a bar it is always a little unexpected. I walked into a library and noticed this guy watching me go in. A little while later, he found me inside the library and we talked a bit. The biggest whopper was the guy who wanted me to go home with him, to another country.

The Reveal:
Last year I was looking for a new finacial advisor. After about an hour of talking, I had the advisor change the model from female to male to ensure the correct actuarial tables were used. His responce was just priceless. I took my wife to the next meeting who helped him get his head somewhat wrapped around Sophie.

The Public: I participate in several non-LGBT meetup groups and there they all only know me as Sophie. This last Saturday, I spent a couple of hours discussing ideas for a project that he is working on.

Flying: I use to fly every couple of weeks. I knew TSA wasn't going to be an issue, but young kids. You never know what is going to come flying out of their mouths. Never had an incident.

I don't think I have ever had a bad experience. Some butterflies at the beginning, but they quickly went away. As others have said, the more you do it, the easier it gets. I started when I was alone in San Francisco. Initially the biggest issue was getting out the apartment door and down 12 floors. Certain times the hall ways are busier than others. Met the security guards and a couple of neighbors a couple of times on the elevator. Never had a problem. No one saw me leave my apartment. Pretty soon, I was out going out every night. I always loved walking around the Embarcadaro area and seeing my reflection in the shop windows. I think having this freedom and hassle free experiences is what allowed me to progress rapidly from trepidation to acceptance.

[Pat]

So, here’s the question. Those who have ventured out, what events gave you the greatest boost of confidence or diminished even banished your fears?

For me it was having the insight that I'm a transgender person and so I look, move and sound exactly the way I should; I'm not trying to fool anyone. I used to say that I "walked along the baseboards of life" -- like a mouse trying to escape detection. Once I realized that I am OK just the way I am, I was able to stride out into the middle of the room and engage with people. ;)

[Julie Martin]

Having a hotel clerk ask me, "will there be anything else, Mrs. Martin?", with several people in line behind me..I answered "no, thank you sooo much!" in my best female voice, then turned and walked to the elevator feeling like I owned the place. A definite watershed moment!

[Teresa]

Helen,
As you know I've been pushing very hard . I lay in bed last night and questioned how I had the courage to go back to my old home town and face a whole room full of people who knew me a from my male side . The biggy before that was possibly finding the courage with two others from my social group to face a full lecture theatre of NHS representatives to talk about our experiences with the NHS as TGs and yes we were dressed . Personally the changing room has been a big eye opener I guess trying on a swimsuit and then walking out of the changing room into the retail area to find the SA , I found three along with a few customers . It begs the question standing like that did I pass or not and then a lady told me she wished she looked like me when I re entered the changing area .

I haven't done the public transport thing yet but can't see it being a problem , and I've done the makeup check twice now and had no problems as you may have seen from a picture I posted a while ago .

I guess the other really good thing is meeting my daughter and son in law with the granddaughter , that probably rates as the most important thing personally .

There are so many others I could tick off like donating blood dressed , seeing my doctor dressed . Going to the cinema in my old home town .

As I said in another thread Marcelle ( Isha ) called it social transition , she did it in stages and gave us the reports as she progressed to finally re enter the Canadian army as a registered female .

I guess the great thing is I don't have any negatives to recall , I agree with Kandi , the more we do it the less we have any problems . I think the important thing is stop looking for reactions , if you don't look for them you won't usually get them . I know I walked past people I recognised in my old home town last Sunday but I was dressed as a woman which they would never have expected. This is what I found when I entered the Art Centre no one spoke to me because they didn't recognise me .

[MonicaPVD]

Thanks for sharing your valuable insight. For 95% of us passing is an unattainable fantasy. Blending, as you put it, is not. Most of us will never fool someone who wants to scrutinize us. Thankfully, most people are so self absorbed that all we need to do is blend in. Once you understand this fact, you will be a happy girl in any setting.

[Felicia M]

I just need to interject to say thank you for this thread. For me who has never left the house but desperately wants to these stories are priceless. :<3:

[Helen_Highwater]

Felicia,

I can remember the time I stepped outside my own back door. It was dark and out of sight of any neighbours yet even taking a few tentative steps away from the door and just to stand there had my stomach in knots.

That was probably pushing 30 years ago. All I can say is don't over think it. As the title of the thread says, it's in the head. Overcome those voices in your head, take baby steps, that first drive dressed seems to be the most common one, and let it develop from there.

No-one here would be telling others it's ok to get out there if the reality was it was dangerous to do so. Just apply common sense.

[Teresa]

Felicia,
Maybe our stories could be a touch boring to some but to others we tell them to show it can happen , never say never ! I know it means exploring your inner depths to find what you really want from being dressed , understanding that yourself and accepting it is hard at first , you feel eveyone disaproves . It's not easy when your head is stuck in the pink cloud and you want more . to read our stories eventually shows there is a balance , it may look as if it's too far down your road , you just have to believe in yourself and it will happen be patient sometimes .

[Felicia M]

Awwww.........thanks Helen and Teresa! I am getting there. It is definitely now a goal of mine and beyond.

Reading these stories I know it is in my head and that barrier gets smaller by the day with these stories. I literally can see myself taking the next step out the door and going for a drive in my pickup. Or sunbathing for a few minutes on the back deck with a bikini on. So many more barriers to tear down but no going back now! Thx all!!

[Jess West]

"Those who have ventured out, what events gave you the greatest boost of confidence or diminished even banished your fears? "

Hmmm...

Confidence came from interactions with people, even loose interactions. I think for me, the best was after a trip to Macy's. I had worked through the first floor, and exited a different door, so had to walk maybe 200yds to the car. As I'm getting to the car, on a cold and blustery night, a woman is getting out of the car immediately next to me. Despite having just been in good lighting, a good number of people, walking around in a store... I thought: "this is it, she's going to bust me, good thing I'm about to drive away..." I suspect, presuming I was a woman, she felt ok talking to me - not sure if many women speak to random guys at night in a parking lot - and I tried to just act like this was 100% normal.

Did she know?

If so, she was totally cool with it.

If not, she was really nice, and that interaction gave me a lot of confidence and put a lot of my fear's to rest. At that time, pre kids, I was dressing up a lot more, even had (that was during I think) a few multi day stints of basically all waking hour's presenting as female, just to see how it was and if I could do it. So my "skill" was high as it's been.

Now, I dress far less frequently and dont feel as good about the appearance which makes me "want" to go out less when dressed, for me, it's less enjoyable. So it's just in house when done now.

What I'm getting at, is that it's interesting how frequency, helps confidence, which helps get out the door and into the world...

In the end, I think most people are to busy to be to worried, and accept you as the first thing they see. Most of the time...

PS -
Havn't posted in years, mostly lurked :), this question just had me thinking and motivated!

[Kandi Robbins]

Become a student of human nature. People are principally interested in only one thing, themselves. That allows one to blend well.

Also, and I speak from rather significant personal experience (400+ times out in the past 4 years), experience in mainstream society not in CD group gatherings, in situations where I seek as much public interaction as possible, people are generally accepting. There are always exceptions to anything. I mean people, not organizations, not religions, not the media, actual one-on-one people. Never have I had a negative experience and I have interacted with thousands of people.

You have to be smart, be appropriate and be confident. You do that and you should have no issues. In a world where children get shot at school, there will always be risks in whatever you do. But if you follow these common sense rules, those risks are much less than you think.

I have never passed and I never will. I receive hugs all the time from total strangers, frequent complements, I've had meals purchased for me, many drinks, all because of who I am. Had I passed, none of this would have happened.

It is all in your head, it was in mine for almost 50 years.