Question for closeted CDs about an old topic

[Millisense]

This is a question for closeted CD's mostly, especially ones with a significant other.

Preface: There's been a lot of old threads from closeted CDs about "do you worry about your CD life being discovered after death", e.g., someone cleaning out your house and finding your "stash" and thereby discovering your life-long secret. For the moment, my GF would not be that person, so I don't worry about it too much but eventually we will live together and I'll have to face it. I'll most likely die first, she's 20 years younger than me. I've thought, as others here have discussed in other threads, of leaving some sort of letter with my femme clothes to try and explain. I'm also planning to tell my best friend about my CDing and she has a key to my house, she might agree to "remove the evidence" in the event of my sudden demise if I ask. Some in those threads have said "don't worry, you're dead, what do you care?" etc, but it's not that easy when one has others to consider.

My thing has always been to 1)Enjoy my life and 2)Try not to harm people, but CDing is causing a conflict there, as I'm sure those with SO's have noticed. I know those who are out will say "just tell her now" but that's not easy for me, as 1) I may stop dressing (I stopped for decades once before) and 2) I'm selfish and don't want to risk hurting me either.

So, do you think your SO would be as hurt if she found out after your death? Would that be easier for her to handle? She wouldn't have the fear of abandonment to consider. Or would she be more hurt that she had to find out that way, that she didn't really know you. Would a letter help her in that case? Or, is it worth it to try and "cover it up" with a friend removing evidence? Or just hope you get lucky and have the time to purge? Or is all that just being selfish as opposed to considerate? What do you think?

[GracieRose]

I think that the general consensus here is that you should let her know, gently.
A SO is generally the most significant person in someone's life.
If she is important to you, she should know.
It took me a lot longer than it should have to tell my wife because I was afraid of the consequences.
I should have told her sooner out of respect for her.
If things between you are going to go south because of this; it's better now than later.
To answer your question directly, I think she would be more hurt to find out after your death that you did not trust her enough to tell her.
I wouldn't trust that a letter would make her feel any better and it's unlikely that you will be able to cover all your tracks posthumously.

[Maid_Marion]

My wife made me throw out my stash of Playboys. At that time I also told her my TG fantasies, opening that door before we got married. I had a printed copy of one of my favorite TG stories in the stash. It was pretty much DADT, though I do recall getting a warning that I needed to have a talk if I wanted to start HRT.

[Desiree2bababe]

Valid point for all those not in the open with their cross dressing, especially those with children. I know I curtailed the desire many years while I tried to raise my children as normal as possible. Thankfully they got thru the difficult years of growth well enough. I believe my daughter has her suspicions and I'm thankful she is open minded enough not to pry and squelch her curiosity. Alot more than I can say of her mother.............

In closing, I think it all comes down to how we wish to be remembered, I know I do not want to die in drag from a heart attack.

[Tracy Irving]

We wouldn't have married if my wife didn't allow me to crossdress. It was important that she love me for the person I am. Given that, I feel for those in a DADT relationship, and worse, closeted. If I was in a situation like that, I believe my wife would privately discard my stash to avoid any potential embarrassment.

[sometimes_miss]

I don't really care about how I'll be remembered. I'll be dead. As far as how other people will feel? Well, if they're nice people, it won't bother them. If they're upset about someone they know being a crossdresser, the heck with them, they don't deserve any consideration.

[Millisense]

I guess for the people not closeted, my question would be instead if you knew you were going to lose your GF/Wife if she found out, would you stop crossdressing? Tracy you made it clear you wouldn't have an SO that felt that way, I appreciate that feedback.
I don't have that luxury to tell my GF. Like many closeted people, I am positive my GF would end our relationship if she knew. I've known her for almost 20 years, since she was a teenager, I know her moral code, both for better and worse. But for the moment I have a very low-risk situation: she only comes over once a week, she doesn't drop in, she never stays over at my house, so I know I have little risk of discovery. I don't feel guilty about exploring this side of me, who knows, someday I may feel like Tracy.

But maybe this question really depends on each case, and also each person's level of CDing.

Thanks for the responses so far; I think in my case for now I can't risk losing her, so I'm leaning towards when she moves in I'll purge the smoking gun items like breast forms, make-up, wig, shoes, and just leave the ones I can explain to her, like sports bra, nightgown, culotte-style undies. Those are the items I started with and I wear for comfort/back support, etc.

[GaleWarning]

Milli, I think the most important thing to remember is this:
Once you tell your GF, there will be no going back! The cat will be out of the bag.

The second most important thing to remember is this:
Never purge! Put your stuff in a bag and store it away, until the 'pink fog' strikes again.

It's a difficult situation, but in the end, you must do what is right for you.


Good luck.

[colleen ps]

If you love her and wish to spend your life with her you must either Tell her or stop crossdressing.

now decide which is easier?

Sorry, but thats all i have.

Colleen.

[Stephanie47]

My wife knows of my desires to wear women's clothing. We are in a solid "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage. No caustic words. No snide comments. No snickers. No discussions. She does not know the extent of my wardrobe which would probably shock her if she found it upon my demise. So, I don't have to really give her a note of explanation. I have thought, if I were to become terminally ill I would start ridding myself of a lot of the clothes. Who needs 161 dresses or over 400 slips anyway?

The real peril is if my wife and I were to die together in an airplane crash or something like that. My son and daughter would have to clean out our belongings. Yes, the feline cat would be out of the bag. Do I sprinkle notes within my wardrobe explaining it all? I'm sure it would be a surprise to them. Would it change their perception of their dad? I don't think so. I don't think either of them would blab about it to others.

[Teresa]

Milli,
The basic question here is you still have feelings of guilt and shame , what you are doing is wrong, men don't do this ! The other problem is your ebb and flow , I've always said it must be as hard or even harder for Cders with an ebb and flow, you had a big break so perhaps you thought it had gone away . The other difficult question to deal with is who is being selfish ? I don't know if you've had counselling but most of us were born this way and there is nothing we can do about it , it's part of our lives in varying degrees , OK mine is 24/7 so I know exactly what I'm dealing with on a daily basis, I know it's never going away . Severe GD can appear to make people look selfish OK the Pink fog occassionally engulfs most of us so that's when we must learn to restrain ourselves . I love to read stories where the wife/partner embraces the CDing partner they have a lovely lifstyle even if it is hidden from others in the closet .

If I were to tell your partner I would suggest it is sometyhing you need now and again but it doesn't mean you are gay or want to transition , I guess only you know how much truth there is in those statements but do be truthful first to yourself and then you can be open with your partner .

We know we mean no harm to anyone, we are usually kind and caring people and if allowed to be make very good partners because with have a little more to offer , even at my age I still feel that way .

[SaraLin]

This is a question for closeted CD's mostly, especially ones with a significant other.


So, do you think your SO would be as hurt if she found out after your death? Would that be easier for her to handle?

The other ladies have made a lot of good comments, so I won't repeat what they said - but I'd like to respond to the part of your OP that I've quoted above:

Assuming that your SO is as intolerant as you believe her to be, I suspect that her being hit with the discovery of your hidden self - right on top of the trauma of your death, WOULD BE DEVASTATING!

Now she'll not only have to deal with the pain of your loss, she'll also have to deal with the "slap-in-the-face" of wondering if her whole relationship with you was one big lie!
She'll be forced to deal with questions of why you didn't love her enough to not do that.
She'll ask herself if she did something wrong that drove you to it.
She'll probably find herself wondering if you were secretly gay (and if you sneaked out and did things she didn't know about).

In short she'll be forced to deal with all 'the usual' questions - at the worst possible time. And you won't be there to answer her questions. and unless you're a VERY GOOD letter writer, it won't help much to leave her a note. More likely it'll sound self-serving and hypocritical - and won't really ease the shock and/or pain.

If she's lucky, she'll find a way to blame you instead of herself (and possibly learn to hate you) - and get on with her life. Though it's a guess as to whether she'll be able to fully trust again.



But then again - maybe you're wrong about her intolerance. Maybe she'll shake her head and say to herself "I wish he'd told me when he was live, we could have ___" (you fill in the blank)

[biancabellelover]

I think that this is an important issue for hidden CD’ers. There are a number of conflicting issues here, and I guess an answer for one relationship might be different for another.

On the one hand is the honesty and trust in the relationship vs. the possibility of the knowledge ending the relationship. For every “I’m glad I told my SO” story there is someone who’s thinking “We’d still be together if I hadn’t told”.

The other thing that strikes me is: Who is going to answer your SO’s questions if you’re gone? We read constantly about the first question an SO asks is “Are you gay? Don’t you love me anymore? etc”.

I think it’s a bit glib to say “If they loved me they shouldn’t care, etc”. WE are used to our cross dressing, and have been for a long time. We also know that we are possibly the most misunderstood gender. So I think it’s a little selfish to expect that family/friends/etc should have to assimilate our passing AND assimilate something that may completely change their understanding of who we were without some additional explanation.

When coming out to your SO, all the advice is to keep it slow, be supportive, etc. How can you do that if you’ve passed?

Just my thoughts.

Michelle

[Roxanne Lanyon]

This girl came out of the closet last month! I was so frightened, but I went to a support group, and we went out publically to a museum and a restaurant. Oh, with the girls, I felt so good. I am going again this month! If only I would . . . . . well, that is another topic! Now, I divorced a year or so ago because my ex just did not want to do anything but sllep and watch Soap Operas. I often wonder, if I had dressed as Roxanne for her, things might be different! Oh, you just never know, do you? But now, I adore being Roxanne, and being girly!:love:

[Ressie]

Like many closeted people, I am positive my GF would end our relationship if she knew.

You know her better than we do so none of us can give you proper advice. I believe that "the truth will set you free" is a good policy. Feeling trapped by what others think is stifling but out of fear, us closeted CDs choose to live a lie.

I wouldn't worry about what happens after your death. If she finds your stuff it will help her to put together things she didn't know about you - that's all. As far as her not accepting your CDing, I'd hate to be in your position. I've always come out to dates that become relationships. Of course, I'm now single and loving it (dress when I want to).

[Beverley Sims]

After death all my clothing can go to charity or landfill.

Those that know will tell all to those that don't.

[Gypsy Sam]

Attention getting question for me as the criteria applies so well. My SO knows but does not share my dressing, and would dispose of the items rather quickly without fanfare. Never gave thought to if both of us pass on together and family discovers my secret. Older sister has criticized my propensity for porn and would sharpen her tongue even more so. Rarely do I dress, but enjoy doing so. So it goes

[Robertacd]

As I have said before
I will be dead, so I don't care what anyone thinks. As their fears and prejudice can't hurt me anymore.

Oh and I must say that if that destroys some imaginary image they had of me, again that's their problem.

Besides that will give them an idea what it was like for me to have to hide from them all my life.

[mykell]

first this:
https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?224212-**GREAT-ADVISE**keep-a-record-in-your-stash**&highlight=keep+a+record+with+your+stash
which was advise a gg had proposed as at the very least if you are not out to loved ones.

i didnt want to hyjack that thread so i started the one above.

my wife knows of this now and i still keep a letter with my things for when im gone or she decides to see how far the rabbit hole i have fallen, one for my son also just in case we perish together. i think it just comes down to respect toward your loved ones.

you may get more objective answers if you post this in the loved one section. more GGs water there then here :)

[Millisense]

Sincere thanks to you all for your considered opinions, they were very helpful to read, and really got me thinking.
Colleen you said "tell her or stop crossdressing", and Teresa you mentioned guilt, and you're right in a way -- I've thought about it and I think my guilt actually comes from realizing I don't want to stop and I don't want to tell her. That makes me feel guilty for being so selfish. I think too perhaps I'm subconsciously rebelling against her inflexibility (in a number of matters).

Gale, Ressie, Michelle and SaraLin, you bring up good points...SaraLin one thought you had made me feel better: my SO would definitely hate me, and that would actually help her heal I think. Trust issues she can handle herself: we started seeing each other while she was still married and she didn't tell me at first. She can face her own demons there. She may be more tough-minded than I give her credit for, her inflexibility shows that.

Mykell thank you for the suggestion to visit the Loved Ones forum, I hadn't been there before, was very helpful!

Stephanie, you brought up a point I didn't consider, and in my case my SO would definitely tell everyone we know, she can't keep secrets about anything. I have the more "i don't care" cavalier attitude for those others, but I wonder if
they'd pity her or something. But maybe if she thought that then she'd keep it secret. I dunno, I can't really ponder that though because you say you have over 400 slips, and I seriously can't get past THAT! (!)

Your opinions are so helpful, thank you all :)

[Ressie]

yeah, most women have to share things with someone. Usually a best friend. I know some of my exes have told others that I CD but I don't think it went viral!

[Judy-Somthing]

I think about that now that I'm in my 60s.

Last year I started thread "How do you keep your Hidden Stash respectable? (https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?254289-How-do-you-keep-your-Hidden-Stash-respectable)


I was thinking what would people think about me if they found my stash.

Would they think I was a nice dad/husband or a weirdo?

When I was young I did have quite a lot of lingerie and yes, Polaroids.
I felt It would be very bad for my wife or children to see Dad in (garter stockings, laced bra, panties, etc.

I got rid of at least 100 pieces of lingerie and cut up the Polaroids I wish I still had.
It's a real shame, the vintage lingerie of the 70s and 80's sells big on eBay now.

I'm still trying o keep my stash to a level where if found it wouldn't make me look to out of control!

[Jaylyn]

In my late 60s I've thought about this many times. My kids would not understand for sure, my wife has developed a DADT situation but knows about Jaylyn. I've culled a lot but have enough to dress sufficiently to satisfy my urges. I think unless we are both dead at the same time my wife would take care of the things I've collected. Half of them are her old clothes she culled anyway. This is just my take on this but everyone's situation is different. Best thing is just try to stay healthy and be in your right mind when the time comes so you can destroy evidence.

[Alice B]

The simple answer is that after you are gone, who cares. I am sure that finding your stash at such a time is not that big a deal on the grand picture of life and I doubt that a total straner will be involved. In my case it is not an issue at all. My wife and entire family know. I am more concered that I would pass while full dressed and out on the town

[RADER]

M y wife knew and was OK with me dressing. No one else knows, so when I pass,
My Step daughter might be surprised. O'Well, I will not be around to see it, but
she will be better off.
Rader

[susan54]

I am one of those who believes that when you are dead you are dead. Having said that I have achieved something with my life and I would prefer to be remembered for that instead of as the guy in the dress,

[Roxanne Lanyon]

Like Judy-Something, I too have gravitated to more mature dresses, tunics, and other feminine clothing. You know, I do seem to like it so much better. And, those things that will be left? I just hope a nice lady (or dresser) will get to use some of these items.


Roxanne Lanyon

[CD Tammy]

Someone will find my stash, after I’m dead. This thread makes me think about that. It’s easy for me to not worry about it because I’ll be dead. But then I think, what about another reason my home needs to cleared out by someone else. Twenty years ago, my aunt was deployed military. The place she was living her in the states was sold. My grandmother went to box up her stuff with some friends. Just helping out.

First, we found her well stocked bar cabinet. My grandmother didn’t say anything but carefully boxed it all, wrapping the bottles. Being a devout Catholic crossed herself, a lot. But when a couple open topped boxes, filled with restraints, paddles, and more were pulled from under the bed, my sainted grandmother poured herself a large drink from one of those bottles. This woman never drank. She was sitting quiet for a long time. I was just a kid but I’m pretty sure, the good girl image of her child was shattered.

A couple days later, I overheard my aunt talking to my father on a long distance call, pleading with him to get to her place and remove that stuff before her mother saw it. Too late. It could be who finds it, rather than what is found.

[BrendaPDX]

I guess I am with Roberts and Lexi, we have a train of thought that varies from the ideals of the other members. If you are sure she would leave you and you can't stop dressing, that is OK, just remember there will always be a wedge in your relationship. Nobody is perfect, you will get caught eventually. If you are just looking for company for now, that is OK (by me) too. Crossdressing isn't an option for me, I have completely purged twice, and now have more cloths than ever before. But the term the cat's out of the bag; is true, she and all of her friends (and maybe yours too) will know. I still consider myself a total closet dresser, but I forgot a skirt in the dryer; now we are in a tense DADT; she didn't explode but she didn't want to know anything about it.

[jennifer0918]

Your thread got me thinking. I think my SO will want the answer to the ultimate question all Cds have to answer, "are you gay?" So I may put a index card with a big NO I'm not gay. Because at the end it's only clothes. A wise man once told me , "a man will be judged by his good deeds ."so based on this my stash will be only a wrinkle on my life ,though I don't see it as a wrinkle.

[TinaTruly]

I think that the general consensus here is that you should let her know, gently.
A SO is generally the most significant person in someone's life.
If she is important to you, she should know.
It took me a lot longer than it should have to tell my wife because I was afraid of the consequences.
I should have told her sooner out of respect for her.
If things between you are going to go south because of this; it's better now than later.
To answer your question directly, I think she would be more hurt to find out after your death that you did not trust her enough to tell her.
I wouldn't trust that a letter would make her feel any better and it's unlikely that you will be able to cover all your tracks posthumously.

I really appreciate your reply. I recently accidentally saw pictures of my bf before he shared his cd with me (if he was ever going to). I can’t talk to anyone about it, and I need to so I’ve turned to the web. I’ve been really saddened in researching and trying to know how to be a good support to him - saddened that most of the advice guards secrecy instead of promoting intimacy and truth. I get it, but the secrecy is the part that hurts - not my bf being himself with me - that’s what I want.

[TolerantCD]

I think there’s a chance that if she found out after your death (which I hope doesn’t arrive for many years), she might have a feeling that she never really knew you. And might not remember you as fondly. I think you should consider telling her one day, but I’m a complete hypocrite because I have never told anyone and I doubt I would have the guts to tell my wife if I ever get married unless I knew for sure she wouldn’t mind. But if you go to the grave having opened your heart to your wife in full she might be left with a warmer memory of you. Something to consider if you truly love her.

Whatever you do, rely on your intuition and logic as to when to tell her. That and advice from others if you wish.

PS wouldn’t it be cool if this hobby of ours came with an increased sense of the famously powerful “female intuition”? 😂😂

[krissy]

I have been with 5 girls in my whole life everyone of them left me as soon as they found out my ex wife told all my male friends my job my family I thought I wouldn't live thru that but I did and my current wife of38 years cant stand this part of me but we live in dadt relationship I cant stand it but im still here I just don't want my grandkids to know this about gpa. I have been fighting with myself to purge or not I always regret it afterwards so I don't think I will im just not sure what to do about it so I quess I cant offer any advice on how to deal with it sorry:hugs::confused2: