Please help

[Harry]

So, the situation is that crossdressing always ends up in masturbation.
Im 29 and crossdressing on and off for the past 5 years. Sometimes shaving legs and wearing shorts. Buying a bra and wearing on and off for 1-2 months. But everytime crossdressing ends in masturbation. After 1-2 months it ends in purge.
Then again after few months the feeling of crossdressing is there and it again ends in masturbation and purge.

Im not able to understand what should i do. Im 29 and unmarried living with parents and sibling. No one knows. I do wear shorts with shaved legs in public. Also bra under tshirt which is obviously not visible. But the end is always the same.

Im straight and wish to have sex when dressed.

Really not able to understand why i do this

[Maria_mtf]

What is you want help with? Understanding why you do what you do?

What you describe is extremely close to what I do at the minute, except I never perge as its such a waste of money.

I believe after you release yourself our hormone levels change and that temporarily relieves the need to dress. So its the guilt that makes us do that so we can stop for a bit.

Have you tried not finishing on release, its not that hard if you really want to try and it might be good for you.

[Harry]

I feel what im doing is wrong. I should permanently stop this. What happens after marriage?? It might lead to divorce
Is it okay to derive pleasure out of this? Is it normal?

[Helen_Highwater]

Harry,

Your story is not uncommon especially with those starting out. Reading your post I gained the impression that there's an element of guilt associated with your dressing. Again this is not uncommon.

When dressing many CD'ers see themselves in the mirror and feel sexy so it's not surprising that this can be accompanied by a desire for a sexual act.

Dont fret about it. You're not strange, odd weird or anything else.

What many have found is as their dressing grows and progresses so the sexual aspect of it diminishes. It's a path to discovering who you are, one which has taken decades for many so dont worry if it takes you some time.

Some never progress past wearing under garments whereas others will progress to being out and about full time, full on! Do what feels right for you.

As for marriage, who's to say you won't meet a GG who's fully supportive of your dressing. Read the posts here, there are many who write of their accepting SO's.

[Maria_mtf]

Normal is a personal choice of perception, there are loads of crossdressers so its quite normal and not really frowned upon as much these days. Getting pleasure is normal otherwise no-one would do it. You are free to do what you like for pleasure. Live like you only have one attempt at life.

Getting a GF/Getting married wont change anything, its unlikely you would stop so the best option would be to be open and honest from the word go. There are many that do stop thinking marriage will "cure" them, but the desire always remains. 99% end up telling eventually and causing hurt due to keeping a secret for so long. (It's not what the secret is that causes hurt its the fact it was kept)

[Teresa]

Harry,
May I ask when your CDing first started and how ?

Mine came in with a bang about 8-9 years old I guess my T kicked in early and things happened I really had little knowledge of at that age . The dressing was linked with sexual needs from the start . In those days the clothes were discarded very quickly partly out of guilt partly because they had done their job and a partly because not wanting to be caught out . That basic need has never fully gone away even at my age but eventually the discarding or purging of clothes goes away . I admit the sexual component now is often an annoying distraction but I'm still a fully functioning male . In my latter teen years and maybe early twenties I had GFs that were OK with my CDing they got something extra out of it as I did , so I lost the guilt and discarding/purging syndrome , because it wasn't associated with guilt . The problem I then had was I naively thought all women were OK with CDing but as it turned out my wife wasn't . I dressed and still had sex alone along side my normal marriage life until I felt overpowered to reveal all twenty years ago , I guess that was the gruadual slide to my current situation , after 43 years I separated from my wife now I'm heading towards a life of dressing full time .

So I'm also straight , I have had sex dressed but still would like a partner I can share all apsects of me with . The point is you have to come to terms with how you feel , don't let CDing and it's needs put you off finding a female partner , there some out there I know from my own experiences . Decide if CDing has another level and need beyond sex , stop purging because it's only dealing with a short term guilt factor, lose the guilt instead , you have needs and you have found a way of dealing with it , no shame in that , many, many men still do it ! Lets face it's not restrcted to men either there are GGs who have to satify their own needs through various circumstances , if it makes you happy and gives you a balance in your life then don't let it worry you because it really doesn't worry other people .

I've just read reply #3 it won't stop because it's not abnormal . You only have to check the internet to see what people need to satisfy their needs , the only problem is don't let it get out of hand as some of those people have . The other point about those sites is they are often posed situations and the people concerned have been paid , the people running them are making very good money but it's not the real World . I would say many of us have been there at some point , you only have to read some posts to see members question their sexuality because they feel they want to be part of that action . That phase for the majority does pass , treat it as fun and don't take it serioulsy .

It's good to fill you life with other pastimes , or hobbies . I love my painting so combine it with my dressing . That way wearing clothes longer does take the sexual element away , you start to enjoy how the clothes feel to wear and look in a different way .

[Kiwi Primrose]

Stop and have a good think about right and wrong. If you are not hurting anyone else you are not doing wrong.
Masturbation is a fact of life and the urge gets less as you age; when you are young anything sets you off.
So dress and masturbate, separately or together and be thankful we were given the ability to enjoy both.

[Yukihime]

To the OP:

I have a similar living situation as you - around the same age, living with my immediate family, unmarried as well, completely in the closet, except with several people from the local CDing community.

For a large part of my life, CDing also meant sexual release, usually with female clothing of some kind, but more importantly, it always had to be with some facsimile of breasts involved.

I've never fully understood it myself and always tried to believe that it would eventually go away once I married someone. After a fairly serious attempt to ask someone I knew out failed, I made a decision to dive deeper into crossdressing instead by buying my first set of breastforms.

It would take a few more years before I would actually step out en femme, but once I lost the hesitation, I have not regretted doing so since.

While sexual release is still a part of my crossdressing, it's no longer the most important part of it, as simply dressing up and living life as a woman is its own pleasure, and I make every effort to find opportunities to do so.

I think its important that you try to reach a level of understanding and acceptance of your own self. Perhaps experiment in a safe way by doing crossplaying. Go for a femme makeover at a costuming studio and see how it makes you feel. If you have the privacy and the budget, expand your wardrobe and see how far you can go with dressing, and how you feel about the results.

After dressing and going out over the last few years, I've come to accept that my CDing isn't something so transient that I can simply stuff it back into the closet. Please don't make yourself feel guilty over something that is just another facet of yourself.

[Tracy Irving]

Is it possible you fetish dress for the purpose of arousal and satisfaction?

Even with the purge, it is still cheaper than paying someone for that service.

[Harry]

One thing that i cannot completely dress as i belong to sikh religon and cannot shave my beard. So completely going out en femme is impossible for me with the beard. So these are the little things which i do in closet. Apart from roaming in shorts with shaved legs i cannot do more in public. Living in India, people see you as transgender and not crossdresser.

Sometimes i feel i do this only for sexual release. Its the guilt that is killing me inside. There are other ways too for Sexual release. But why only this.

[Tracy Irving]

Some here will argue that transgender is an umbrella term and crossdresser falls under that umbrella.

Feelings of guilt and shame are not uncommon. This is what is working for you for now but nobody is stopping you from seeking alternatives. Good luck.

[Stacy Darling]

The Guilt?

You only need wear the Guilt if Guilty, Harry! and if you can find peace within yourself knowing that what you are doing is not wrong but merely different to your societal norms you then may not feel the Guilt, which you shouldn't anyhow!

Understanding & accepting who you are and what you want in life may free your mind.

"Happiness can bring most to Orgasm" just a thought!

Stacy!

[Teresa]

Harry,
You obviously have more complications than you told us in your opening thread . I know we cannot discuss religion here I just hope it doesn't bring so many problems you can never be honest and truthful with yourself .

[Harry]

Purged. Not my cup of tea. Will occupy myself in other activities to not think about this. Not able to concentrate on my work with dressing. Peace prevails.
It was only sexual pleasure which can be derived by other activities.

[Stephanie47]

I don't know if anyone on this thread is fully qualified to answer all of your questions. Personally, I know little of the Sikh religion. I don't know how your peer group would react to a man who needs/enjoys wearing women's clothing. My perceptive is limited to the United States. I would definitely agree masturbation is a universal normal sexual outlet for men and women, even when married. Of course, there are some people on the extreme end who feel masturbation is sinful/wrong, but, that is a small minority of people.

Donning women's clothing, masturbating for pleasure, and, then purging out of shame and self loathing is a progression most, if not all, have experienced. You probably have to deal with that lack of self acceptance. I had to deal with it from a societal rejection of cross dressing and a religious objection to cross dressing. If you are able to gain acceptance of yourself that is only half of the hurdle. The other half is finding acceptance within your society. How a Sikh woman may react maybe similar to how western woman react or it may be different.

As to usage of terminology I hate using one word to describe what I do. Declaring oneself to be a segment of the transgender community only leave you open to a lot of self interpretation by others. If you get into a conversation with others just use sentences and paragraphs to explain your feelings as best as you can. Don't leave others to fill in the blanks.

[docrobbysherry]

Harry, 2 things:

1. Your only problem as I see it is your guilt. From both dressing and masterbating. I submit that neither one effects anyone's life but yours. You're not hurting anyone else! And, you're doing nothing wrong. You're doing exactly what 1000's of us dressers do daily. Dress and masterbate. Sex is a normal fact of life. Get over your guilt!

2. You're quite young. You're not supposed to know what you want to do your entire life yet. The only way to find out who and what u r is to try everything and anything that appeals to u. As long as it's safe, legal, and doesn't hurt anyone else!
I promise u will look back at yourself now in 10 years and laff!:heehee:

[Judy-Somthing]

Sounds exactly like when I was 29.

If you can find a woman that excepts it you won't have to sneak around.
When I was in my late teens I dated a few girls that knew I dress on occasion and they didn't mind.

I was able to stop for about 20 years through the years while love making was good with the wife.

But the urge came back after that.

Good luck trying to stop.

[nvlady]

You want to know if it's normal? All I can say is it's normal for me, and I'm sure it's normal for a lot, if not most of the people on this forum.
You don't understand why you do this? Well, neither do we.
You will have to learn to accept the fact that you were born this way, just like you were born with a certain hair color, and a certain eye color.

[Becky Blue]

Harry, whats normal? There are many different things that turn on many different people, your particular one is crossdressing, so what?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

your particular one is crossdressing, so what?

He has been raised a Sikh, living with his parents and sibling, under powerful pressure to conform to the traditions of his people. I think you're underestimating the challenges he faces, especially as far as marriage is concerned. At 29 I imagine his parents, particularly his mother, are expecting him to marry soon and have children. If he is the only son, or is the eldest son, that pressure will be very intense.

His experience is about as different to yours and mine as it gets. No bloody wonder he's struggling.

It's tempting to say to him, why not leave your restrictive world and set yourself free? - but that's like saying why don't you just stop crossdressing, since it's making your life difficult.

But it's hard to see a way out of this for Harry, other than remaining in the closet, unless either he is willing to go against everything his family and culture stand for, or he can somehow find a wife who is accepting. The problem with that would be that in his religion, as in any strict religion, women will have been raised to think of themselves and their husbands in ultra traditional roles, with any deviance from those roles being seen as a perversion. Even saying he crossdresses to a possible bride is taking an enormous risk, as the families will know each other and the girl may well divulge the information.

Harry, hoping to drive your love of crossdressing underground is unlikely to work. The masturbation isn't the issue, as a few minutes in the bathroom will always take care of that, with no evidence to be found. I'm sorry it makes you feel guilty, guilt is a useless, corrosive habit.

Since I'm guessing paid therapy is not an option, I suggest you write in to this forum as often as you wish and keep telling us about your feelings. It's a support group, full of people who understand the dynamics of what you're feeling, including how it feels to grow up under the heavy blanket of religion.

The only advice I can offer you is to consider looking for work (or perhaps further education) which would enable you to travel as far from home as possible, so that you can experience what life can be like outside your immediate environment. I expect your family would be happy to see you do well in your career, and it's perhaps the only reason they would accept for you to postpone marrying?

There is nothing wrong with you, at least as far as the thousands of members of this forum can see. Most of us at some point associated female clothing with sexual release, many still do. Some feel guilty abut it, many don't. Many of us also understand what it's like to have to hide your instincts from family, friends, co-workers, wives and girlfriends. Many understand how powerful the forces of religious tradition are.

As others have said, what you love to do does not harm others. Some may feel they have the right to disapprove of you, because they cannot understand why you feel the way you do, and because they have been raised to reject non-traditional roles and behaviour - as have you.

Distance brings clarity. I hope you can allow yourself to move away from what others want, towards what you want.

[ellbee]

I wouldn't be the first to say this on this forum, but you might want to try to separate the masturbation from the crossdressing, as best as possible.

Shave your legs, throw on some women's clothes, whatever... But do *not* masturbate while dressed like that! If you feel like you're getting to that point, take off the clothes, and take a cold shower.


There can be a strong link between those 2 activities in your brain's pleasure center, as they heighten the rush, when combined. You might want to try to weaken or even break that link. A good chunk of that guilt & shame is coming from that link. I believe you wouldn't feel half as bad afterwards if you did only one or the other.


My quick 2 cents. Good luck! :)

[Judy-Somthing]

AS ellbee said "A good chunk of that guilt & shame is coming from masturbation while dressed"

Seems like all the Purges happen after the so called (happy ending)!

[deebra]

Keep dressing, Keep Masturbating, Stop purging, Buy and wear more girl clothes. Wearing a pink thong and bra will lead to a quicker acceptance of your crossdressing. Marriage forget it, enjoy CDing, the urge won't go away.

[ellbee]

I would like to add one more thing...


Don't get me wrong: It's perfectly normal & okay to feel sexually aroused while crossdressing in private. :)

But that doesn't mean you have to actively do something about that, ya know? ;)

Enjoy the moment, but let it pass. At some point, it will subside naturally on its own.


Heck, even *I* still get a bit "excited" sometimes. Typically when I first awake, as most nights I wear leggings & panties to bed. Nothing I can do about that, not my fault. I woke up like this! :strugglin

Other times, it may be when I'm first wearing something new, checking myself out in my full-length mirror. It's like, "Damn, I look & feel awesome in this!" However, I don't *do* anything about it. Just acknowledge it, and move on. It simply quickly fades.


Finally, I'd be lying if I said I never pleasured myself while dressed (in more ways than one, at that! :o ). I did sometimes, years ago. But the important part was that I eventually "decoupled" the masturbation from the crossdressing. And that was a HUGE turning point, no pun intended. :heehee:

I know it can be tough, especially at your age. But the mind is a powerful thing, unlearning old things & learning new ones. And it can certainly be done. :thumbsup:

[Tracii G]

Get a girlfriend maybe?
Just a suggestion.
Masturbation is about as normal as it gets and dressing in womens clothes helps you get off nothing wrong with that at all. Everybody is different as to what helps them get off.

[Harry]

He has been raised a Sikh, living with his parents and sibling, under powerful pressure to conform to the traditions of his people. I think you're underestimating the challenges he faces, especially as far as marriage is concerned. At 29 I imagine his parents, particularly his mother, are expecting him to marry soon and have children. If he is the only son, or is the eldest son, that pressure will be very intense.

His experience is about as different to yours and mine as it gets. No bloody wonder he's struggling.

It's tempting to say to him, why not leave your restrictive world and set yourself free? - but that's like saying why don't you just stop crossdressing, since it's making your life difficult.

But it's hard to see a way out of this for Harry, other than remaining in the closet, unless either he is willing to go against everything his family and culture stand for, or he can somehow find a wife who is accepting. The problem with that would be that in his religion, as in any strict religion, women will have been raised to think of themselves and their husbands in ultra traditional roles, with any deviance from those roles being seen as a perversion. Even saying he crossdresses to a possible bride is taking an enormous risk, as the families will know each other and the girl may well divulge the information.

Harry, hoping to drive your love of crossdressing underground is unlikely to work. The masturbation isn't the issue, as a few minutes in the bathroom will always take care of that, with no evidence to be found. I'm sorry it makes you feel guilty, guilt is a useless, corrosive habit.

Absolutely correct. You have pen down my feelings which i was unable to. Thank you so much.

Moving away is an impossible thing for me.
Fully dressed in public (suppose i move away for some reason) is still impossible as i cannot remove facial hair ( religon restrictions).
So remaining in the closet is the only option available to me.
The maximum which ive done is going public with shaved legs (always frowned upon) and bra under t shirt ( which is not visible).

I buy bras, panty hose, shave legs etc. wear them in closet and enjoy masturbating. But this lasts for 20 days then i purge. These things are repeated after 5-6 months. Its been happening for the past 5-6 years.

My thoughts:
“will things remain like this the entire life?”
Obviously yes, due to the kind of restrictions i have. Sometimes i feel i do this only for sexual pleasure. And i purge out of frustration just because i cannot go beyond certain limits.

- - - Updated - - -




I know it can be tough, especially at your age. But the mind is a powerful thing, unlearning old things & learning new ones. And it can certainly be done. :thumbsup:

At this stage, Its associated with pleasure. Very difficult to keep them separate. Frankly speaking, never thought of keeping it separate. Dressing is always followed by release. Its like a process which always ends in release.

A thing which is turn on for me, at that moment, mind does not works.

[Alyssa Lane]

The masterbarion brings you back to the crossdressing due to the release in the pleasure center of the brain firing off and it is the act that your doing that links it together.
Try not doing both at the same time. Women will do the same thing when getting dressed up fancy to go out, some might even get aroused when doing that themselves. You just need the self restraint to not just touch yourself if you don’t want to.

[Pumped]

So, the situation is that crossdressing always ends up in masturbation.

Im straight and wish to have sex when dressed.

Really not able to understand why i do this


Sounds like what I do as often as I can! Both points!

Get over the guilt. You are not hurting anyone.

[phili]

Hi Harry,
Just wanted to mention that a beard with a dress is not really a deal-breaker- and clarifies things for people sometimes!

I masturbated every time I dressed most of my life, because it was a way to bring it to a close, and feel like something really good and emotionally charged happened. But it was a revolving door, in the sense of just repeating endlessly and never getting anywhere. You mention you feel you would want to go on and do more, and there is a decent chance you are somewhat transgender- by which I mean you may have a mixed set of gender programming, like many of us. There is no catalog yet of good and bad transgender, and there won't be- we just find ourselves with various settings on multiple sliding scales of wanting to feel masculine or feminine, male or female, etc.

When I realized I wanted to wear women's clothes and be with people, and that it was all right, I didn't need to masturbate any more to bring it to a close- I went out! Yes, beard and all. And people were accepting and nice, for the most part, and I found I was getting to be the person I wanted to be.


As you are not married, you have the option and really the responsibility to figure out what does feel natural for you, and try to live it. Not hiding and not being ashamed are really much better, I can state from experience. Being out with people and being girly, or mirly, in my case [a male girl], feels peaceful and right and I am a much fuller and more responsive person than when I am trying to live my standard male role.

[biancabellelover]

Hi Harry,

I guess the good news is that in the age of the internet and social media there exists groups like this one where you can express your "problem" and be told by the majority of responders that they've done or continue to do the same thing.

Like most of the others, I don't think that masturbating while dressed is a problem. My opinion, is that your problem is reconciling your pleasure with your culture and how you identify yourself as a religious person.

Hopefully, someone will write something that will resonate with you and give you a pathway to ease your mind. As others have said, masturbation is pleasurable and harms no-one, as long as it doesn't become an addiction.

If you're dressed, so what? It's common for people to fantasise about all kinds of things while masturbating. Sadly, it's also common for those same people to feel guilt if those fantasies aren't the ones that they THINK they should be having.

Michelle.

[CONSUELO]

Please don't feel guilty about what you are and what you are doing. Masturbation, whatever the circumstances is a normal and reasonable response to one's sexual needs. Unfortunately the elders of many religions decided to arbitrarily decide on something called sin and then put all sorts of harmless practices into the sin bucket. It was all about power and control, so don't let someone else's warped judgements affect you.
If you lived in the US or in Europe I would advise you to find a good counsellor so that you could talk about these issues but that may not be available to you.
So, keep reading the various posts on this site and also look for links to resources that you can read that might help you gain a better perspective.

Good luck and best wishes and please stop purging. It is costly and does no good.

[JustAlex]

Hi Harry

I'm not sure if I'm adding much to the other answers. I went through the same, although my dressing/masturbation cycle was mostly in my teens, I kept doing it once in a while.
Like you, I under wear. I had my experiences fully dressed, but I don't do that often. At this point, I rarely wear male underwear. I have my whole underwear drawer full of panties, pantyhose, teddies, stockings, and that's what I wear everyday. I know it's not the reason, but you can't imagine that masturbating every single time I wear panties is no longer sustainable. I think it will go away in time. My best guess is that you're wearing when you can or when you think it's a safe time to do it. And that makes you get to that point at your highest anxiety level. But if you wear regularly, you'll get use to it and be more relaxed about it.

About marriage, I've been living with GFs and married and it wasn't a problem. I'm not telling you that all women are OK with it, I'm telling you that it's possible to have a long lasting relationship being a crossdresser. With a whole range of different shades, from "do what you want but I don't want to hear about it" to "let's go shopping together and turn you into ****."

My best advice is don't purge ever again, it only reinforce your feelings of guilt, and wear regularly, even if it's just panties. If you get wet all the time, it may be uncomfortable. Wear sanitary pads. And be patient, it gets better.

The only other option is to stop doing it and move on. Keeping on that on and off cycle may end up ruining your life. It's going to ruin your bank account for sure.

[Jenny22]

Harry, you are as normal as almost every man here is, until he can't due to aging. So, enjoy your fetish without guilt. It won't change if you marry. Then, you must try hard (unless your wife fully supports your CDing and understands your fetish) to NOT substitute masturbating to having spousal sex.

[Beverley Sims]

If you think you need help, consult your GP in the first instance, otherwise what you are doing seems quite normal.