Euphoria, Dysphoria, and the urge

[sarah_hillcrest]

Last night was like many nights here in our house, I was laying on the couch, wife is over in recliner. We're barely watching something, can't even remember what it was, and my mind is fixated on the idea that I would like to be wearing a dress, skirt, or nightgown and I'm trying to figure out why. I'm wearing only my underpants, which the casual observer would mistake for panties most likely, though they are men's bikini briefs. I'm not cold, I don't need any more clothing and it's really bothering me.

After reading many people's answers to the recent question about whether they felt dressing was a affliction, I noticed that those who suffer from dysphoria are having a harder time dealing with it. I am so thankful that I don't feel that, I don't go through life feeling wrong. I don't have real strong feelings about myself at all. Somehow this morning I came across this while reading question posed on Quora.


If you were 100% comfortable with your assigned gender and had no increase in comfort by changing clothes, why would you? Especially if it involves a special name, voice, set of mannerisms…

The question was "Could high intensity crossdressing lead to transsexualism in older transvestites?" and lots of interesting answers there. But that quote really got me thinking, am I really happy with who I am, and if so why did I create Sarah?

My wife worked yesterday and I was able to dress, I wore a sleeveless dress which reveals some hard to shave hair in various places, but from a distance probably looks fine. I got caught up on some laundry and housework. At one point I walked by the bathroom and glanced at myself in the mirror and froze. It must have been the lighting, or the way I was holding my head, but I felt so incredibly beautiful and happy. Why would anyone drink or take drugs when they could just look at themselves in the mirror. This must have been the way that Amy Schumer's character felt in "I Feel Pretty." Pure Euphoria, plain and simple, seeing myself as a woman in the mirror releases something into my bloodstream that's like brain candy.

I took my camera outside for pictures, neighbors were home, windows were open, I didn't care. Talked to my Dad later, said he was doing some errands and drove by my house, almost stopped to see what I was up to. Taking glamor shots in the backyard Dad LOL.

[Sidney]

Sarah, it's funny you posting this this morning. It's something along the lines of "what came first, the chicken or the egg".I am not in a DADT situation. Wife knows of my dressing and supports almost all of it. So dressing almost anytime I want isn't a problem.

My Sidney side didn't come out until my early sixties. I only came out to my wife several years ago. Before that the times between dressing were torturous.

After telling my wife about my dressing my boundaries have continued to expanded until they are almost nonexistent today.

After several years of counseling, me thinking and talking to my wife I have come to the conclusion I will never become a woman and have no desire to become a woman. However why do I do what I do? I can be Sidney while out and about in drab. I can be Sid when I'm dressed in female clothing.

So I suppose for me Sidney has always been a part of me that I suppressed for reasons that are to long to go into here. When I first discovered Sidney I had alot of guilt and shame. Thankfully those feeling are gone. I probably needed to dress to validate Sidney. Since I have now no guilt or shame and have welcomed and accepted Sidney, cloths are not NEEDED to help me find my way. I am GM and always will be. However I am emotionally and psychologically because of genes, birth or whatever a woman. I am a he and a she. It's just become that simple for me.

With the above said what of cloths. When I awake or change cloths it is what do I want to wear today. I will have to admit I spend probably most of every day in my girlie cloths. But that is a mental choice choice I made, do I want to wear a feminine blouse or a Harley tshirt. That is what all GGs do every morning. Cloths are not what makes the gentleman or the lady.

Well I've gone on long enough. Hope I didn't get to far off topic.

[Teresa]

Sarah,
The qusestion in the middle of your thread does raise an interesting point , could the need to dress as we get older lead to transexualsim ? I don't have severe GD but I know it's there , it's is scary at times to think this isn't going to stop as I get older and I know some UK clinics have people in their eighties waiting for SRS .My GD isn't so bad to go through that at such an age , if complications happened causing my death could I really put what remained of my family through that , OK you could ask by then would they care ?

Sarah you are developing the right attitude , it's how you feel and what your needs are if you feel comfortable with that what other people think isn't important . I've decided to stop counting the days when I do dress or don't , why do I need to put myself under that pressure , I find I'm now doing it as part of my normal routine , I can't remember the last time I went into town in drab , in fact I really don't want to go into town unless I am dressed because it feels so normal . I'm afraid I'm looking in too many mirrors at the moment because I'm gradually building up a wardrobe so I can dress continually and wear appropriate clothes for the various seasons .

[Richelle423]

IMO high intensity cross dressing does not lead to transsexualism but maybe a gateway to self discovery of who you truly are.it all adds up how you really feel deep inside.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Sidney , I think, though I'm not sure, that I could have put on anything I wanted and she wouldn't have cared. Don't get me wrong, she's not thrilled about it, but she has told me the image is burned into her brain and now its just like, whatever. The problem was more me not wanting to start dressing in front of her, even if it's a just pajamas.

Teresa, thanks for the encouragement and congrats on dressing the way you want and building up a wardrobe.

Richelle, one of the funniest comments about the question was when someone asked, "What the heck is high intensity crossdressing anyway?" I totally get it though. Take some guy who has no interest in crossdressing and pay him to dress up with "high intensity." I doubt he'd go trans.

[Sidney]

Sarah, my comment was about me. Meaning Sid and Sidney make clothing decisions. Every evening I sit with her in her panties and nightgown and me in panties, big girl boobs and nightgown. She is OK with that but it is my decision to wear that. Sometimes it's panties which are 24/7 for me and maybe a tshirt.

I guess what I'm saying is my wife is OK with whatever I wear but Sid/Sidney make the decision on what I wear. Hope that made sense?

- - - Updated - - -

Sarah why have you decided to not dress in front of your wife. Guess that is your question and only.you can answer that. If you want to yak some more you can private message me.

Sidney

[Aunt Kelly]

I don't know what "high intensity crossdressing" is, but I'm pretty sure that I've never encountered it in the literature as a contributing factor to "transsexualism in older transvestites". Would love to have the citation if you can find it. Thanks.

For me, the labels have failed, but I have discovered that I like who I am, when I am in girl mode, far better than when I am the boy-mode me. This actually has some unsettling implications and I will be working to sort that in due course, but that recent breakthrough has provided a certain sense of ease (for lack of a better term). The clothes and the forms and the makeup are not any kind satisfaction or rush on their own, they are just the means to becoming that part of me I prefer. While it is nowhere near the traumatic experience that some of my TS sisters have described, when I am denied those means, it is, well... dysphoric. I get by, have always gotten by, but I'm starting to realize that's not quite enough.

Rambling now, so I'll shut up. Intesting question. Thanks.

[Chelsea B]

IMO high intensity cross dressing does not lead to transsexualism but maybe a gateway to self discovery of who you truly are.it all adds up how you really feel deep inside.

You have nailed it, Richelle!

[Ressie]

Why would anyone drink or take drugs when they could just look at themselves in the mirror.

It triggers a natural drug within. You know, those feel good hormones.