Seems like some of you were right...

[Pixie_94]

Hello everyone, I hope every and anyone who reads this post has had a nice day or months, since I haven't been around here in a while.

In the end I didn't purge what I still have left of a "femme attire", as some of you would say, well, if underwear counts. I have mostly been trying to focus on my life, thinking, investing time on my hobbies again, which actually helped a lot after a break up I had a month ago. I stopped looking for a "cure", since some of you have told me more about the urges and their nature, also, every time I researched, the only sources were some bone-chilling Christian websites (no offense if any of you are christians, but I can't feel well when someone uses it as a means of controlling others), so yeah, the urges are still there, for some reason stronger than before, I have even wanted to buy some clothes (maybe a dress, a skirt, some heels and more), even though, I barely have money left and no recent income, however, I remember some tips one of the mods gave me and I'll take them into account if I get any stable income soon, I guess. I haven't went out of my house much since I finished the last courses of my degree and the communal work my college requires everyone to do.

I still have a hard time accepting and loving myself, but I'm trying, I guess. I don't hate myself anymore, anyways I have considered psychological therapy, even though, there's still not enough money to cover those expenses, but I want to know what to do and how to be more of myself. I'd like to thank everyone who have given me advice and support on my previous threads. I might still be a bit close-minded in some things, but if any of you can help me to get rid of that, your help would be welcome.

Best Regards~ <3

[KatrinaK]

Hun, there’s nothing wrong with you. I wished I had learned that younger. That said, our society makes it challenging for people like us to accept ourselves. The anxiety surrounding that challenge is what you probably need help with. The idea of a therapist is spot on, but make sure it’s a specialist. Also, good therapists are willing to give significant discounts for people who need it. You’ll find what you need at a reasonable price if you’re honest and forthcoming with the right person.

[kimdl93]

Focus on finding gainful employment with every waking moment. The more diligently you pursue employment, the sooner you’ll get it, and with it, the resources to live and pursue other interests.

first things first!

[Aunt Kelly]

Good advice from Kim and Katrina, which I can only underscore a bit.
You are on the right path, DP. Do what you need to do to keep walking it. We're here to support you as we can, but the work is yours to do. Learning to love yourself costs nothing, but realizing that you can, that you are entitled to that love, may not come easily. So take Kim's advice and focus on doing what you must to pursue that happiness. Food, physical health and shelter (to paraphrase Maslow's "hierarchy of needs") seem to be a good place to focus right now. You needn't deny who you are in their pursuit, but again, be good to yourself and recognize those as priorities.
You've learned that there's really nothing "wrong" with you, even though some would disagree. You're going to be fine.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Pixie_94]

The idea of a therapist is spot on, but make sure it’s a specialist. Also, good therapists are willing to give significant discounts for people who need it. You’ll find what you need at a reasonable price if you’re honest and forthcoming with the right person.

Well, I don't know if there's any like that who would give discounts here in Costa Rica, I know about some who give their services for free in the university I have been studying, but of anyone, I don't trust those specific ones at all.

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Focus on finding gainful employment with every waking moment. The more diligently you pursue employment, the sooner you’ll get it, and with it, the resources to live and pursue other interests.

first things first!

Funny that you mentioned that since I was thinking about calling someone on next tuesday, a person who might have some work for me. Why tuesday? Seems like they have a really heavy schedule for this weekend.

- - - Updated - - -


Good advice from Kim and Katrina, which I can only underscore a bit.
You are on the right path, DP. Do what you need to do to keep walking it. We're here to support you as we can, but the work is yours to do. Learning to love yourself costs nothing, but realizing that you can, that you are entitled to that love, may not come easily. So take Kim's advice and focus on doing what you must to pursue that happiness. Food, physical health and shelter (to paraphrase Maslow's "hierarchy of needs") seem to be a good place to focus right now. You needn't deny who you are in their pursuit, but again, be good to yourself and recognize those as priorities.
You've learned that there's really nothing "wrong" with you, even though some would disagree. You're going to be fine.

Hugs,


Kelly

I don't know how was it for you to get on the right path, but I can say it has been a long time, even though, I'm still in my 20's (maybe long time to me, not so much to you). I really appreciate the help and support.
I really like that you mentioned Maslow's hierarchy of needs, you reminded me of the many times I have seen it in Psychology, Sociology and even Marketing courses and how interesting it is to me, I guess I'll think about it when I think about life.

Thank you for the support!

[biancabellelover]

I love that Aunt Kelly has already mentioned Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. There have been times in my life where I’ve had conflicting needs at different levels. You have to guarantee the baseline before going up the pyramid. It doesn’t mean that you can’t pay attention to more than one need at a time, but you need to guarantee an income. Along with the financial support, having a job can also give you the self-esteem to tackle other issues.

Best of luck,

Michelle

[Beverley Sims]

Remain on this site and you will realise that what you are doing is not strewn with guilt, but can be an enjoyable past time.

I would like to see you with a more flattering name, you deserve it.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Yeah just want to repeat what everyone else says, don't wast a decade of your life struggling with guilt over something causing NO ONE any harm. Put yourself first when you have to but don't neglect others. Many people here and elsewhere will tell you the importance of therapy, and I'm sure they're right, though I feel like therapy is a luxury for those with the resources. This website can be a very good for you and perhaps help in a similar way.

On clothes, almost all my wardrobe has come been thrift store and giveaways/throwaways. Things are probably different in Costa Rica, but even in the economically depressed area I live in people have way more than they need.

Love yourself and the rest will follow.

[Maid_Marion]

Yes, the first thing you need to do is to get out the house so you can find a stable source of income. You may need to take small steps to overcome the anxiety.

[giuseppina]

Hello DP

Those so-called Christian sites are run by people bent on imposing their will on society. That is not allowed in Canada. We have freedom of speech, thought, religion, etc. here, subject to reasonable limitations, including but not limited to imposing ideas on others. I don't have any patience for the operators of those sites.

It seems to me seeing a duly qualified and licensed mental health practitioner is a good idea in your situation. A therapist that does not judge is required; experience in gender issues is useful but not necessary. The therapist is best able to help you with self-acceptance, anxiety, etc., not us. It's far too easy for a well-meaning person to do more harm than good

[docrobbysherry]

U must realize u r quite young, DP. At your age u should be trying things to see what u like and don't like. Learn and experiment. U have plenty of time to discover who and what u r!:thumbsup:

And with experience, those answers will come! Try not to decide those things rite now. In 10 years u will be a very different person!:)

[Pixie_94]

Remain on this site and you will realise that what you are doing is not strewn with guilt, but can be an enjoyable past time.

I would like to see you with a more flattering name, you deserve it.

Ironically it wasn't until recently that I started to understand better what you mean.
And what do you mean by a more flattering name?

[Tracii G]

The Dead Pixel name makes it look like you have a defeatist attitude.
I saw it a lot in college back in the 70s there were always a group of students that tried very hard to be outcasts and tried to be different. Some were dark and reclusive and had no friends other than the kids in their clique of reclusive types.They thought it was cool to me misunderstood.
Others wanted to look like devil worshipers just to be different.
Both groups had a defeatist attitudes like what the point of anything we are all going to die sometimes.
Those types never had goals to achieve anything in their lives.
Please don't be one of those people.

[Pixie_94]

The Dead Pixel name makes it look like you have a defeatist attitude.

Please don't be one of those people.

Well, I actually chose the name as a random idea I had, I was thinking about what things are hard not to notice, and as you may have seen on some LCD screens, there's eventually some parts of the screen with some either always blue or green pixels, so it's more of that. This also comes from how I felt observed or something like that when my stash was discovered. I don't know if I can change my username, but I'd eventually like to, even though, I have no ideas yet.

[Tracii G]

Thats just how I read it at the time.
Glad to know I was wrong.

[Ressie]

Lack of money has been a cause of depression for me in the past. Doesn't the college you attended offer help in job placement? Yes, you have to accept yourself, the good and the bad. You can't really make improvements on the bad parts until you accept them. It sounds like you need to go out with some friends and have some fun! Think positive because negative thoughts cause negative emotions. I recommend a book called "Psycho Cybernetics" for what you're going thru.

[Felicia M]

Hey DP -

others have expressed some excellent advice so I won't repeat. What I will say is that it takes time and for some it is more difficult than others but there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. For me it was a long road to acceptance.
Keep pushing forward. You are still young and to find a place of acceptance in your 20's or even 30's would be an incredible experience in this journey.

[Pixie_94]

Lack of money has been a cause of depression for me in the past. Doesn't the college you attended offer help in job placement?

I recommend a book called "Psycho Cybernetics" for what you're going thru.

My college doesn't seem to have that, or at least not for the Design students.

What is that book about? Please, no law of attraction or magic-sounding things.

[Becky Blue]

Some people accept themselves from the getgo, most take a while and a few never do, so your pretty 'normal' there. I agree with the others, once your basic needs like money are taken care of other things can become more important.
Re name, do you actually have a girls name as yet DP?

[Pixie_94]

Re name, do you actually have a girls name as yet DP?

No, I have never thought about one or why one, I even talked about this with someone else in this forum and that person even told me how they got their current one, but not the same story with me, especially for all that time that I not only not accepted myself, but also hated myself and desperately and obsesively tried to look for a "cure".

[Becky Blue]

At some stage on your journey you will be ready for a name most likely, till then I guess its DP if your ok with that?

[Pixie_94]

At some stage on your journey you will be ready for a name most likely, till then I guess its DP if your ok with that?

I don't know how likely is that to happen since I have no dysphoria, or at least not to the point I want HRT or any surgeries, so yes, I'm fine with being called "DP" or "Pixie".

[Beverley Sims]

DEAD PIXEL.......

Not really a flattering name for someone who writes and comes across as you do.

Reading through your various replies in other threads, pixie or some other name would suit you admirably.

I do like to see your views on subjects you have tackled and your avatar suggests a more appropriate name.

Even something catchy "dead" really does not come into it.

You seem alive and vibrant.

I wish you well.

[Pixie_94]

DEAD PIXEL.......

Not really a flattering name for someone who writes and comes across as you do.

Reading through your various replies in other threads, pixie or some other name would suit you admirably.

I do like to see your views on subjects you have tackled and your avatar suggests a more appropriate name.

Even something catchy "dead" really does not come into it.

You seem alive and vibrant.

I wish you well.

I just sent an username change request to the admins, since I recently noticed that I could do it, so I'm now waiting for a response.

I don't know exactly how does "Pixie" suit me, but it's the one I chose in the end.

I hope you had or will have a nice day.