Out with the wife, gone wrong..

[Rachelakld]

This weekend, Rachel and wife went out of town....
About 10 years ago we went out to the local gardens, it was nice and relaxing but not her "thing"
Since then she said if we ever went together it would have to be out of town.

Well this weekend we went out of town, visited a family restaurant for a coffee break, half way in to our 4 hour trip

I'm used to people looking, smiling, chatting to me

Wife found it un-nerving people looking and smiling at her, she felt like she was being judged and was pacing around the till area where others were getting takeout like a wild lioness caught in a cage.

She apologised later for not sitting with me and I apologised for talking her into to being part of my other life.
Luckily I had the foresight to order take away coffee, she did a quick photo for my blog.

She mentioned we could go somewhere more private/scenic for a photoshoot, but seeing her that way wasn't right, so we continued our journey.
I did a car change 30 minutes later, she "supervised" the removal of my make up, reminded me of my mum wiping my face hard after a meal when I was 6 years old, funny, but not what our relationship should be about

I'll never be in girl mode in public with her again and we're both okay with that.

[Becky Blue]

Thanks for sharing your story with us all Rachel, a good lesson learned.

[Beverley Sims]

Rachel, at least you were able to give it a try.

You may have to rely on her tolerance in future.

[Tracii G]

We are all different and we need to respect that.
She was uneasy so best to let it go.

[Teresa]

Rachel.
It was great to be given the chance , it didn't work out this time which was a shame .

If she offers to give it a go again will you turn her down ? She may see it as we do that her fears were more in her head , she may think again what real damage people around her were doing .

You've shown pictures in the past with you swimming , is she still OK with your daughters going with you ?

[Helen_Highwater]

Rachel,

This is a fine example of the pressures people feel society places on them. You get smiled at, chatted to, you find that a sign of acceptance. Your SO gets smiled at and she interprets it as some form of negative judgement. A sort of "Oh you poor woman, having a husband like that!"

Perhaps she could be persuaded to repeat the exercise but with you entering the coffee shop separately as if you were strangers? That would give her the opportunity to observe just how little negatively there is to us and perhaps start to feel more comfortable in those situations.

She may be persuaded that those were smiles of support and not judgement.

[Rachelakld]

Would I turn my wife down if she offered to go out with me again?
not if it's a location she has scouted and approved (probably an unpopulated area), but yes I would refuse if it was just a random stop like Saturdays was.

Swimming - I don't think I would be comfortable with them in public (even though technically I would be wearing more clothes). When I'm with them at the pools or beach, I like to play "the tough dad" too much.

[Rhandi Spencer]

Rachel,
Thanks for the post,
My wife and I are headed on a road trip in a couple of months and will have hrs of driving. She has bought a dress, some femme tops and leggins for me and I plan on wearing them while driving. I am not going to do wig and makeup as she is not ready for that. I figure I might as well be comfortable on this trip. When we get to areas that we know people it will be drab time for me again.


Heidi

[alwayshave]

Rachel, I'm sorry that it did not go well. I must admit when my wife and I go out, it is to T friendly venues, so we don't get that specific problem. Perhaps that is where you should have started.

[Angela Marie]

I find that mutual respect for the opinion of others goes a long way. My wife would never go out with me when dressed. Do I wish she would? Absolutely. But we have a great marriage and i'm not about to insist that my preferences override hers.

[Stephanie47]

I've mentioned in the past that many women are uncomfortable with their husband's being out and about in public because society will look at them and ask "What's wrong with her? Her husband dresses like a woman. Why doesn't she divorce him? There must be something wrong with her!"

You are breaking societal norms and expectations. In some respects your wife is also guilty of breaking societal norms too. You may be comfortable doing it. However, participating in your adventure makes it her adventure too. At least she is willing to go to a more private setting for a photo shoot. That is itself is something I will never experience with my wife.

[Asew]

That sucks. At least she tried, and I hope this doesn't cause a step backwards at all.

[Teresa]

Stepahanie,
That arguement is fine as long as Rachel was the only CDer , depending on the number of people in that building eating there was more of even chance that there were other hidden CDers , there are so many reasons why people will look . The problem was Rachel's wife was looking for it to happen because she felt uneasy .

If Rachel's wife gave that issue a thought along with the others we talk about she could come to realise it really is no big deal . That is why I asked Rachel the questions , if there is a next time Rachel's wife might find it easier to deal with , it's no different to how we need to accept ourselves , we don't usually stop , we know there is going to be a next time , I hope in Rachel's case there is and it works out better .

[Alice B]

I would give your wife a big hug for two reasons.

1. She tried, which is more than most wifes will do, and

2. She wanted to do a photo shoot, which is way out there

[GracieRose]

I talked my wife into going out with me dressed for a short trip to the grocery store when we were 1200 miles away from home.
She spent the entire time nervously looking around, convinced that someone we knew from 1200 miles away was going to walk into that store and the secret would be out.
I realized that she could never be comfortable with me dressed in public and thanked her for trying. It stresses her too much for it to be enjoyable for her or me.

[Trione]

Totally agree with Alice. And even your wife might reconsider if she finds a private place she would be at ease. You have a GREAT wife. Hold her close.

[DIANEF]

A big well done to your wife for at least trying, maybe in the future there could be another time when she will be more comfortable being seen out with you.

[Kimberly Adams]

My wife hasn't seen me fully dressed yet. Just told her a few weeks ago. She's been super supportive and we're planning a girls night out in a few weeks at a bar that has drag shows - so super tg/crossdress friendly environment. At this point I feel really lucky that she's open to doing it. I don't think I'd ever ask her to do it out in the general population but who knows. hmm.. nah don't think so. Dressing isn't a big part of my life. Urges just show up out of blue but I'll be content with whatever pace my wife is cool with.

[Krea]

Rachel, your post demonstrates a great balance between you.
Your wife was willing to try going out with you, and you were considerate in not pushing the issue. With this understanding, maybe in time things will progress. Good luck! :)

[Robbin_Sinclair]

A family restaurant, if it is anything like our family restaurants in the States (Applebees, Olive Garden, etc) it seems like an awful place to try to be out. I hardly ever want to be in one of those places for the people. I would expect a thousand smiles from happy and wholesome emploees, geriatrics and silly children, but if I was somewhat passable, it could be for many reasons.

Nice try. My marriage is one thing. Robbin is another. Apples and oranges.

I am with a generic woman because I never had the courage to go it alone.

[sweetdreams]

My wife has similar issues. We have been out together on one occasion. It went OK. It was during the local Pride festival. We hung around the festival activities (beer garden) and then walked about five blocks to a bar where there was a band playing. I got lots of looks. She didn't comment too much on her level of discomfort so I"m guessing it wasn't too bad.

We are planning other outings. The thing the wife worries most about is if someone we/she knows sees us. I'm pretty much in disguise when I'm made up with my wig, but the wife is pretty much herself for anyone to recognize. We are looking at the option of a wig for her to give her some camouflage. Then we will start out in CD friendly places like one of the local LGBTQ bars. Baby steps......

[Rogina B]

My wife hasn't seen me fully dressed yet. Just told her a few weeks ago. Dressing isn't a big part of my life. Urges just show up out of blue but I'll be content with whatever pace my wife is cool with.

Lip injections are just what you need to set that pace ! LOL

[SATIA]

Sorry it didn't work out for the both of you, but I admire that you both had enough love and respect for each other to try it, and to make the necessary adjustments where you both were comfortable.

[KatrinaK]

Couldn’t agree more on the family restaurant... what you want for a positive experience while you’re early out of the house is a big rainbow flag flying from the entrance to the restaurant. That’s what my wife and I did the first time, in West Hollywood, and we couldnt have been made more welcome.

[Rachelakld]

Thanks girls, we had a discussion about it and she says if there are lots of cross dressers, in a friendly place, she won't feel like everyone is watching her.
It been 5 years between our first outing and our 2nd (last week), I'm not in any hurry to push for a 3rd outing.

[Bobbi46]

rachel, It will happen again, that is going out with your wife, just be patient maybe pick a different sort of place to go to, sure I beleive there will be another time, you must tell us all about it.

[mykell]

she felt like she was being judged and was pacing around the till area where others were getting takeout like a wild lioness caught in a cage.

love this description, can even relate to it when i first ventured out into the wilds....any support setting or trans conference would be a friendlier venue for her, especially if other mates were there to hang with her....

[nikkiwindsor]

Rachel, really don't have much to add other than to say it's wonderful that you have such a supportive & understanding wife. Mine is coming around very slowly... :) Nikki

[helicd]

Kudos to you for not pushing the issue and for putting your wife first and foremost!


Thanks girls, we had a discussion about it and she says if there are lots of cross dressers, in a friendly place, she won't feel like everyone is watching her.
It been 5 years between our first outing and our 2nd (last week), I'm not in any hurry to push for a 3rd outing.

[Beverley Sims]

I admire your wife, for all the options she has offered you, and I think you are tackling it well.

Yes there are a lot of conservative spots all around the country.

That is why I have been apprehensive in my dressing.

Even east of the Airport in Wellington they are not all that accepting and they are in the movie game.

[Mandy T]

My wife knows and supports Mandy. However I can say that I am thinking about her more while we are out than I am of myself. I never want her to feel uneasy at any level. Just because she is understanding doesn't mean that I should forget about her feelings. Staying aware of the others feeling is the key to maintaining a healthy relationship with our spouse.

Just my 2 cents

Mandy

[kimdl93]

Even for ourselves alone, those steps out the door can be difficult...and few of us succeed in overcoming the fear of being judged...not just seen but in some way diminished in the assessment of others. It’s not surprising that a significant other might experience similar emotions.

I credit both of you for venturing out together. Perhaps the lesson learned might be to take it slow, ease into it, and (just as we each must) learn not to judge ourselves by our fear of what others MIGHT be thinking.

[aLEXisREX]

Maybe it was just the town or people who made her uncomfortable? Sometimes it's the small things that freak people out. The out of context things like the person at the register reminds you of a person in an article you read and got upset over, and that makes your mind race. I dont know but Im glad you both did that and I hope you both talk about doing it again, in time. If I noticed a wife out with a CD husband I would seriously give them both a high five.

[Jenny22]

Sorry you and she didn't have a better time. Question ... In NZ, can you really drive for 4 hours without ending up in an ocean?(grin)

[Sandra_Dodds]

Rachel, your wife is to be applauded and appreciated for her willingness to try and I'm sorry that people made her feel uncomfortable.

I've always admired people like Goths and others with an 'out there' dress sense who really don't give a toss what others think or if they stare; their confidence in themselves is incredible. If we and our wives could have that same level of indifference, we'd be more open in our dressing but I acknowledge that's a lot easier said than done.

[Jessicajane]

Your wife just sounds a bit overwhelmed...maybe that’s it as far as your going out together maybe not ....I read the idea of going to to a TG friendly place and that may help...but how is your wife around other trans women..?
Good on her for giving it a go...but just like when we first venture out it is a scary experience even if that fear is just in our minds. Xx