Courage to go out

[skylance]

I know this question probably gets asked a lot, and if so, I apologize ahead of time. I'm wanting to start actually going out while dressed, but I'm having difficulty mustering the courage to do so. How have others overcome the fear, especially those of you living in the Bible belt area? Any advice would be appreciated.

I would like to add that I have gone out in the past, but that was with friends around, these journeys would be solo.

[VS Fan]

It's tough... ultimately I got over it the same way I got the courage to tell my wife. I knew that no matter what happened, I would be better off. Our fear of telling wives is that they leave us, etc. I decided that it would be worth that risk. Our fear of "going out" is simply that we are teased or at worst "outed" to someone that we know. I decided that I ultimately didn't give a sh*t if that happened (glad it hasn't though) but that in the end if my "life was ruined" by something like this, at least I would then have the freedom to pursue whatever else I wanted.

[docrobbysherry]

If u have the option of going out with others?
Unless u plan to live as a female, I'm clueless why any CD who doesn't pass consistently would want to go out alone!:doh:

[Kimberly Adams]

I started by just getting in my car and driving around late at night. Stop at a gas station and fill up. Then got more courageous and went to convenience stores, was mart, grocery store. I had one bad experience with some kids and it ruined my dressing for a while. I will still venture out now in public but find it's best to go to crossdress friendly places like a bar that has drag shows. Nobody even notices and if they do I just get sincere compliments.

[Hozeguy]

I started by doing the exact same thing. I went to a parking lot, then a strip mall, then a gas station. It’s still very nerve wracking!

[dana digs sweaters]

Obviously pick your places and times that make you feel secure, no matter how well one thinks they blend in.
For me it was not during the Summertime when school was out and the youngins were too.
Shopping early at a mall and matinee shows for the theatre was best for me.
Bring a gym bag of extra boy clothes/shoes with a wet/wringed out washcloth in a plastic baggie for emergency transformations back to boy mode.

[Julie MA]

Although I know it's best not to drink and dress, alcohol has helped me get out and relax. I'm not sure whether all the gay men like it, but you are generally accepted in a gay bar. Try that.

[Aunt Kelly]

First of all, please consider your own personal safety when choosing the venue. You will here lots of stories of getting dressed, driving around, and then finding a lonely place to get out and walk around. I would advise against that approach for two reasons. First, it's not safe for any woman, TG or not, to engage in that behavior. That solitude invites the attention that you want the least. Second, what's the point? "Out" where no one will see you is not much different from walking around the living room. Unless you're a thrill seeker, secretly hoping that someone will come along and discover you, but that's not what we're talking about here, I hope.

Find support, if you can. Research local support groups. If you can share your location, do. Someone here may be able to steer you in the right direction. Having someone with you can make those first steps a lot easier. I've helped two or three girls make that first public outing. I seem to recall using the words "relax" and "smile" rather a lot. It is scary, but if you've chosen the right venue and can manage to relax and smile, you will be fine. Speaking again of venue, Julie's suggestion of a gay bar is a good one. It's safe. The help will treat you nicely. And the men... will leave you alone, and I mean conspicuously so. Don't be worried or offended. It's not you... well, yeah, it's you. You're not what they're looking for. Even that will change, if you frequent the place enough to get to know people. Meanwhile, smile and relax.

I've been out to many parts of the Houston area, including some of the burbs. I don't go to places I wouldn't go to in boy mode, but that's about the only limit. Let's be clear - I don't "pass". a few weeks ago, I had a makeover in a very busy Ulta Beauty store in a relatively conservative Houston suburb. As I took my seat among the other dozen or so ladies, it was a little ...quiet. The makeup artist was a pro, and engaged me just as she would any of her customers. Before ten minutes had passed, she and her nearby colleagues, and their customers, and I were all laughing and gabbing, just like any other day at the salon. Relax and smile. That's really all it takes.

Good luck, sweetie.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Rachael Leigh]

I live in an area you might think would be less accepting but have found really no issues. If you can blend well and no I don’t mean pass 100 percent because few do, I would choose a early morning trip to a mall or big box store like Target who
is T friendly. I have always gone out during daylight hours and most just go about their own business. You will find that a lot
of your fear is in you head. I would make sure you have a nice wig and your makeup skills are adequate, which means practice at home and take pictures to see how you look. And then just do it, don’t overdress just look like any gg

[Maid_Marion]

How about walking around a Mall? There is an upscale Mall that opens its doors a couple hours early for people who want to walking exercise. And it is located in a town with a really prompt police department.

[Majella St Gerard]

Don't over dress or under dress for the environment, try to blend, don't worry, you will be clocked, but no one cares. Most important, OWN IT. Don't walk around with your head down, head up, shoulders back, elbows in, walk proudly with confidence. But be prepared, there are Assholes out there.

[Rachelakld]

I checked out a few early opening café (McDonalds opens at 6 am), I started with the weekends as everyone wants to sleep in, meaning only 2 or 3 customers max.

[Ceera]

I came out in central Texas. But fortunately I was in Austin, which is a pretty liberal and LGBTQ-friendly city. Still, I was concerned about going out alone, and had no friends who I was out to for a support group when doing so.

I started with doing a quiet drive through my neighborhood, late at night, while dressed. Slipped quickly out the front door and into my car in the driveway. Didn't try to get out of the car during the drive, or to call attention to myself. Just got used to being out of the house as a female, and got used to driving with heels on.

Then I went out for a drive in late afternoon. Not fully dark, and people were out on the streets or sidewalks or in their front yards. Noticed that most people really didn't 'see' me. They saw 'someone driving a car', and maybe registered that the driver might be female. But even if they gave a friendly wave as I passed, they were not looking at me carefully enough to really see me as an individual. And I soon realized this was generally the case while driving, and even while walking around in public. Unless they were talking to you, you're just an anonymous person, and they see what they expect to see. You're someone in a dress, with long hair and boobs. As long as you don't have a full beard too, or a male pattern bald head, they just assume you're a woman. Neighbors who recognized my car or saw me getting in or out seemed to assume some woman I know was borrowing my car. Or maybe they thought I was a female member of my family.

For my first excursions to interact with people as a woman, I chose an LGBTQ bar that had drag shows as my destination. I tried to get my makeup and voice passably female before I went there. I checked the club's location out in drab first, driving close to it and noting that a car could park near it and someone could get in and out without being very visible from anywhere but the club itself. Then I drove there as a woman well after dark. And I had a great time!

After a few outings to that nightclub, and feeling more confident about my voice, I stopped on the way home at nearly midnight, at a fast food place, and just ordered some fries to go, walking inside to place the order and get the fries. Again, people saw me, but didn't really 'see' me. Even the guy at the counter who took my order didn't really look at me critically. I was just another anonymous face in the room, and they saw what was expected. A person with long hair, lipstick, and wearing a blouse and skirt and heels - must be female...

Then I went out while dressed for desert at a restaurant, shortly before closing time. Then to a grocery store late at night, in casual clothes, to buy a few groceries. Yes ma'am? What would you like, ma'am? Thanks for your patronage, ma'am. If they realized I was cross dressed, they didn't act like it to my face!

Finally I went to a major mall dressed and at mid day on a weekend, for a full makeover, shopping and dinner at a restaurant, with my daughter for company. And no one blinked. No one gawked. My daughter often walked well behind me, and confirmed that no one seemed to react after I passed, either. She said she believed I was well accepted because I seemed confident and comfortable with myself, and because I acted as if there was nothing at all unusual about me being there, dressed like that.

From then on, I have gone out where I please, when I please.

[Beverley Sims]

You will have to find more friends.

Going out alone does require more bravado than going with friends.

Just jump out the gate and get going.

[Tracii G]

Don't worry about if your area is bible belt or liberal just go out and enjoy yourself.
To be very honest I have found more conservative areas/people to be more accepting and less judgemental.

[AKADonna]

Consider getting a session at a MTF Makeover service (just google MTF MAkeover & your city). YOu can go and get a professional makeover and then get to go out with the makeover artist as a female companion, on a shopping trip, dinner, or night on the town.

My first solo excursion was to a local TRI_ESS meeting of CD's in a major hotel. All were dressed and very friendly and we went out to lunch & shopping together. This really built my confidence. Even with these experiences, I rarely go out alone dressed for the above described reasons. My one exception is to my local Lane Bryant store, where I am known and treated like any other woman.

I really don't think many people have ever noticed me or given a damn, so find a way to do it. You won't regret it.

[marika_jaye]

For me, it took the death of a dear relative to make me realize that my fear of going out was completely baseless. He died at 70, and I'm well over halfway there. I asked myself how much more of my precious time on this world I would let fear steal from me.

After that it was simple. I wear what I like and don't let the opinions of others discourage me. I feel truly liberated!

[Sarah Louise]

I chose to drive to a retail park where I could park up and visit the shops but was able to make a quick get away if my nerve failed. I only lasted 20 minutes for my first attempt, but now I'll happily spend the whole day out dressed.

You could go somewhere quiet like a park, but I find that it's a lot easier to blend-in in busy places like shopping malls. Plus as others have said, consider your safety.

Always dress for your surroundings and remember you have just as much right to be there as anyone else.

[Angela Marie]

When I first began dressing fully I bought some cheap makeup at the drugstore, donned my wardrobe and drove to the gas station a block from my house to get gas. I'm sure I looked horrible; but luckily no one else was getting gas. As I became more adept with my makeup I gained more confidence. But my first real foray was after having a makeover some distance from home. The woman did an awesome job and I looked great. I drove home and quickly went into my house. I was about to remove the makeup when i decided this was the time for me to go out into everyday life. I went to a local supermarket, my heart in my stomach. NO ONE NOTICED!!! I now go out on a regular basis; but despite my confidence always being aware of my surroundings and not taking unnecessary chances.

[Helen_Highwater]

I chose to drive to a retail park where I could park up and visit the shops but was able to make a quick get away if my nerve failed. I only lasted 20 minutes for my first attempt, but now I'll happily spend the whole day out dressed.

You could go somewhere quiet like a park, but I find that it's a lot easier to blend-in in busy places like shopping malls. Plus as others have said, consider your safety.

Always dress for your surroundings and remember you have just as much right to be there as anyone else.

Sarah took the words right out of my keyboard! On the face of it, it seems counter intuitive to go somewhere that there's lots of people and in broad daylight. However it's by far the safest environment. Just dress to blend, flats or low heels, wear what the rest of the GG's are wearing, miniskirt and killer heels will get you noticed, and this is the hard part, act like you have every right to be there because you do!

Parking up the hardest thing is to take that first step out of the car. Your heart will be racing, butterflies in the stomach, mind going ten to the dozen. Stroll into a shop and brows the racks just like every other GG will be. It will take only minutes for the butterflies to settle and the heart rate to come down. Try to resist looking at everyone else to see if they're looking at you, most won't be they'll be too busy going about their own shopping. If they do look, don't panic, just stay calm and carry on and so will they.

My top tip; have something in mind you're actually shopping for. In my case I chose jewelry, a new necklace. Having that focus helps you relax. Bearing in mind this was my first shopping experience, having found something I liked, I stood in the checkout line, chatted to the SA while paying and just went off to the next shop........one of probably ten or more that day.

[CDYoga]

Maybe instead of going out fully dressed you could start wearing some of the clothing. I wear women's pants and other clothing everyday, but it is just what people are used to seeing me in now... I personally think most don't even know. If you don't feel ok going out fully dress or in the full get-up... Go out with some of it on at first, go from there!

Sometimes small changes are all it takes for you to get your fulfillment from this, give it a try!!!

[DIANEF]

Like so many I did the drive, step away from the car, short walk, longer walk thing. What I found was that I was seriously over thinking the negatives that could happen. I've gone from a few nervous steps to spending an hour in a busy city center. It does help that I live in a fairly LGBT friendly part of the world, even so, if you dress to blend, are sensible about where and when you go and have a bit of confidence you should be fine.

[Karenawong]

haha there have been so many times i chickened out, but there's always a first time to break out of shell.

[Cheryl T]

Firstly, if you are concerned about doing so where you live, then certainly go to another town. Preferably about 25 miles away so that the chance of someone you know being there is diminished.
Secondly, dress for where and when you are going. Don't be the CD who goes to the mall mid-afternoon wearing a fancy dress, black stockings and sandals with heavy makeup screaming look at me.
Thirdly, the most difficult part of all this is THE FIRST STEP OUT THE DOOR.

The first time I went anywhere public I thought all eyes were on my. I sat somewhere I could be seen and could see others so that I could observe them as well. It was a mall and I found that the vast majority never looked at me. They were all wrapped up in their world of needs and concerns that I was almost invisible.
Blend in, don't try to stand out and most of all be confident. If you carry yourself as if you belong there others will see that and accept it.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Love this thread because it' something I want to do as well. I appreciate everyone's advice.

My one experience is getting gas at a busy gas station, I didn't go inside and I tried not to look around too much, but when I did look around I realized no one was paying me any attention.

[Courtney_29]

definitely great advice here for sure i’m still only 3 months into dressing but only at home. i guess i have to find some nice casual clothes and shoes. i just love lace dresses though lol but harder to blend i suppose. but the mall or something like that does sound like a good place just out shopping for my first time. just have to work up my courage

[t-girlxsophie]

Originally I was actually out with friends the first time I went solo.But I kinda just decided I wanted to test the waters (helped having a swift half),this was in Glasgow city centre,on a busy Saturday afternoon.It was only a short jaunt but it went so well and wetted my appetite for more.

I echo the thoughts that it's actually easier when there's more folk about,the key is to be confident to carry yourself as if you are meant to be there.Blending in rather than passing (I and many don't) is the key.

Sophie

[Rhandi Spencer]

I have recently started making steps to going out in public. I have done the change in a park bathroom and then drive on the highways and then change back somewhere as well.
Recently I went into a convienience store in a location 50 miles from home, bought some water and something behind the counter and that was that. No strange looks that I could tell.
Next was a trip to a place that printed blueprints, had an order to pick up, so that was next trip. This company had a waiting room with several make customers and there I was in a dress, nary a word was said.
This week I was working at a construction site in drab but with bra and forms on and know for a fact several of the men saw this but they did not say a word.

I was going to go to the Doctor this morning with a nice ladies shirt and leggins, but to many other items happened that it would not have worked out. So maybe next time.

I just have to talk myself into it and it helps me with the courage.

I have even gotten the courage to talk with my wife about wearing dresses. Amazingly she is not oppossed YET.

Heidi

[CynthiaD]

Do it a little bit at a time. Pick some specific place where there will be other people. An ice-cream store, for example. Go in. Buy something and leave. And go home.

You'll think "Wow! That was so easy."

The next time, go two places. There's no rush, wait a week or a year, as you see fit. Just keep expanding and lengthening your trips. Eventually you'll get to the point where you don't give it a second thought.

You'll probably get clocked a few times, but most people just couldn't care less. Eventually you'll get to the point where you don't care if you get clocked. Once you reach that point, you'll be surprised to find that it almost never happens any more.

[Patience]

Tons of good advice already.

I just want to suggest that you get yourself a pair of sunglasses. This'll help you avoid unwanted strangers trying to make eye contact with you and also helps you scope your surroundings without being too obvious. Always be conscious of what's going on around you.

Being out for the first time can be such an emotional event. You have to juggle the exhilaration of being dressed in public with all the fear that it engenders, while trying to blend in with the people around you. It's like being on your own private roller coaster.

Also, wear sensible shoes. You don't want to be messing with heels first time out of the gate.

My first outing happened during a pride weekend. If such an opportunity isn't available to you (or if you just can't wait), try clean, well lit, secure places like museums. Good luck.

Xox,

Tina V.

[Rachel Anne]

I accidentally went out one day. I had been dressing almost full time for several days, and one day I went out to get the mail....totally forgot. Fortunately I pass at 50 feet and there wasn't anyone around, but....I was halfway back from the mailbox when I realized it and it took all of my self control to not break out into a sprint for the door....

[Stephanie47]

Like many my first forays out of the house were driving my car. I avoided possible accidents by driving in my neighborhood on 25 mph streets. I stayed off the Interstate. I did not want to be trapped between exits if I had a breakdown or flat tire. After my confidence built up I began parking on a residential street and going for a walk. I created reasons for a drive. So, I went to mail a letter. Or grab a free newspaper from a sidewalk box. Returned a library book. Buy soda/pop from a vending machine. I still do those things to get the urge purged from my system.

When I did want to mingle with fellow humans I did that on several Halloweens. I went into a grocery store. A Winchell's Doughnut store.

There is always the possibility of having something (car accident) or someone that can spoil your day. It's an issue of safety. There's enough advice on this forum for places and situations to avoid. I always carry a change of male clothing. I also forego heavy makeup (nail polish) and carry wipes in the event I do have to do a quick change. With anything in life there are always risks vs rewards. Just be ready to own the consequences of your actions with anything you do in life.

[ellbee]

Think it's tough now? You should have tried 20-25 years ago, when times were different.

Wasn't easy for me, yet I still survived. ;)


Then I think about those who went out years/decades before that! I'm sure it was magnitudes more difficult.

And yet, they survived, too. :)


You young whipper-snappers don't know how good you have it these days! :roflmao:



Half-joking aside, here's a different angle...

Do you *have* to go out in the full kit-&-kaboodle? Like, all dolled-up, fully en-femme?


Maybe if you ease your way into it, instead of diving in head-first? :strugglin

For example, I no longer present as a female. To the public, I'm just a dude in women's clothing. Right now I'm wearing some work-out leggings (with a *lot* of sheen to them), some running shoes, panties, no-show socks... And, a men's t-shirt. :heehee:

And while it's not "out out," I'm doing my laundry right now. The laundry room is shared by everyone in this large apartment building. Earlier I also had to throw out my trash in the dumpster. IOW, anyone from my neighbors, to their visitors, to the maintenance guy, to delivery people, etc., could see me like this, at any time. Really don't care, as it probably wouldn't be their first time, LOL.


Lo & behold, I see in the hallway my elderly-gentleman neighbor who lives the across from me. Oops! :D

Our eyes meet. He smiles. He then looks me over, and you know what he says?? "Hell-oooo..." :confused3:


Yes, he said hi. I reciprocated. And that was it. LOL

No biggie. ;)



Would something similar to this be better suited to the OP (or anyone else wanting to go out)? I dunno. But the possibilities are endless, with running all kinds of errands, to getting food (eat-in or take-out), to catching a movie, to taking a nice evening walk, etc. All still while in guy-mode.

Some prefer to dive in head-first. Understandable. While others may find it easier to slowly wade into the pool...

[Frannie7]

My first time alone was daytime. Had a makeup session then drove to a park and walked around for 1.5 hours. Went to a less busy part of the park, took some pictures. It was 33C so I had to stop. Took off make up in he car and drove home. Nervous at first but had fun.

[Sara Fina]

I would love to take a drive dressed up in a car. Maybe park the car down a dark road at night and get out and walk around a bit.

[Sami Brown]

I am one of those who eased into facing the public, and I wrote a blog post about how I did it if you are interested: https://crossdresserreport.com/if-you-do-only-one-thing/

Fear is what pulls you back from going out the door. You can overcome your fear by choosing to do something that makes you a little nervous, whether related to crossdressing or not. Doing that one little thing and coming out the other end is a great way to get a little bit of confidence you didn't have, and with that little extra confidence you can decide what to try next.

For me, one of the first things I tried was wearing a feminine ring in public. I was sure many would be looking, but I was surprised that there was no reaction. Nowadays I wear feminine rings all the time, and I hardly even think of it.

For you, it could be something completely different. Just pick something that makes you a little scared and do it! You will be amazed how well this works.

Sami

[Lydianne]

Think it's tough now? You should have tried 20-25 years ago, when times were different.

[SNIP]

Then I think about those who went out years/decades before that! I'm sure it was magnitudes more difficult.

[SNIP]


We also can't forget other countries which are not as well represented on these boards. In some of them, practising LGBTQ is punishable with jail time, and in others, broken-masculinity-type guys are even more aggressive and make life even more difficult. I feel terribly for young LGBTQ individuals in those countries because pretty much none of the advice on these boards would protect them from their dangers.

- Lydianne.

[Ressie]

Maybe someday you'll be home dressed up nice and a strong urge to go somewhere will take you out of the house. Just take a look in the mirror before you leave and make sure you don't look ridiculous!

Start out by taking a drive. Stop at a store and sit in the parking lot until you're ready to step out of the car.

That's how I did it and it did take courage even though it was a Sunday night with very few people shopping. I managed to shop and buy a few things at two stores, and I also pumped some gas.

[Felicia M]

Love all the contributions to this thread.

This is a goal of mine for this fall and the advice with specific ideas and details are so helpfu.

Like this from @dana digs sweaters: "Bring a gym bag of extra boy clothes/shoes with a wet/wringed out washcloth in a plastic baggie for emergency transformations back to boy mode."

I would never think of this in a million years but it makes so much sense and I will definitely use it.

Or this from @Username: "Get yourself a pair of sunglasses.This'll help you avoid unwanted strangers trying to make eye contact with you and also helps you scope your surroundings without being too obvious."

It seems like such a simple thing but again you may not think of it if you had never read this.

And I love what @Sarah and @Helen had to say about doing what is counter intuitive and going somewhere where there are alot of people in broad daylight. I now have a vision of myself going to a town center a good drive away from my hometown and walking around the town square in broad daylight and maybe taking a seat on a bench if possible to see how long I can last. Now I just need to figure out my outfit!

Thanks so much everyone.

[Kimberly Adams]

I've been hit on at gay bars several times. Just brush them off the same as any other girl would. Also get tons of compliments, especially from the GG's that are there. Get to go into the women's bathroom, pee sitting down, touch up lipstick. So exhilarating.

[Helen_Highwater]

I would love to take a drive dressed up in a car. Maybe park the car down a dark road at night and get out and walk around a bit.

Sara,

By all means go for a drive but unless the dark road is miles from anywhere avoid that as an idea.

Dark places are used by those who don't want to be seen because of criminality. These are the sorts of people you really want to avoid. A quiet suburban street in a decent area if far safer. In fact parking in a supermarket car park during the day and walking around is much more the safer option. Dress to blend, walk like you belong and no one will pay you any attention. It's easier to hide in plain sight in places with lots of people about than logic tells you it would be. Think of it this way.

Place a CD'er in the crowd at a big game then play spot the CD'er. Now stand them in the middle of the pitch. Get the idea.

[Lydianne]

About the darkness: If you use makeup and you highlight something resembling the "correct" areas, at the kind of distances you might be seen at, bright ambient light ( read "daylight" ) will sell that makeup job better than point lighting and shadows. Shadows on your face will tend to give away its actual facial structure.

Something to think about :straightface:.

- Lydianne.