Would like your thoughts on this.

[firestorme]

Hi all,

I have been lurking in here for a little while and thought I would write about me and then ask for your thoughts on this as it confuses me.

I am 51 and as you would expect into crossdressing, or why would I be on this forum. Up until my early 40s I never even thought about doing this and I am not sure how it actually started but enjoy wearing what limited attire I can get when my wife is out. It is not something I do continuously, as in I might dress whenever I get the chance for a few weeks and then not at all for a few months.

Although I have never had a same sex encounter I have found that I am beginning to fantasise in that direction (again I ask why so late in life) I have taken to going to `gay` areas (parks) and while wearing fishnets/heels/ short skirt I park the car say near a waste bin get out, walk to it put something in it then back to the car knowing the guy sitting in the car along a bit has saw me and would know I am a male dressed up. I find this such a turn on but not sure I understand why, I have recently purchased a wig so that I look better but I am sure that to others I am still obviously a male dressed up. As yet I have not had any m/m action but I think its only a matter of time. Interestingly though I would never go near or want to go near a gay area dressed as a male and while dressed as a male very very rarely do I even give m/m action a thought so it would appear that dressing as a woman seems to trigger something in my brain and it makes me feel so sexy and its like I want to `pull` a bloke! Although I cant honestly say that I `fancy` them.

Another thing I am trying to achieve is find somewhere `safe` where I can park up get `changed` and go for a walk in my girl clothes so I can enjoy the experience without a public audience or risk of being caught. (this appears to contradict the gay thing above)
I find when I dress that its presently along more `tartier` lines although maybe this will mature and become more subtle, it has to be the heels and mini with hold ups or suspenders.

Am I possibly dressing how I would want my wife to dress?
Am I an attention seeker?
Is my brain just F….. up.

I would appreciate your comments
thanks

[connie rotten]

For the life of me I couldn't begin to answer why. The same thing seems to happen to alot of men.I have one question to ask you ;is your wife going through the change of life? At the risk of making lite putting up with a women in menopause has caused alot of men to behave in mannors they question why they do what they are doing.
My SO drives me to dress.

[Sweet Virginia]

Sweetheart, stop worrying about it. You read as British, if you are American I do apologise, but if coming out and strutting your stuff in girlwear is what you want to do then Blackpool, Lancashire can be a very tolerant place. Not really my scene, I'm more the private type and I've known I was unusual since the turn of '59/'60, when I was very young
All the best, Angela Virginia Richards.

[Tina Dixon]

Well it's more than just wearing frilly things thats for sure, don't really like the road your taking here, sounds dangeruos to me, I think you need some proffecinal help when your hanging out at those type of gay places.

[LilDolly87]

I'll give some in put but beacuse I'm 19 I can't say I understand fully. I thing the idea of crossdressing has always been in your mind but you never really had a oppertunity to act on that urge and when ever you did you just put it out of your mind by doing something completly unrelated. Now that your older you wish it happened at a younger age and even wonder what would have happened if you had started younger rather than why now. As for you now finding out that your attracted to men. Every one has concidered dating the same sex it just scears some more than other do explore diffrent things other than what they were tought. You might have been afread of judgement, or rejection from socitey but now that you feel a bit more relaxed with who you are as a person your welling to take the risk and embrace new ideas.
Just a thought I could be way off.;)

[kittypw GG]

If you are confused now tell me how will it be when you get arrested and have to go to jail in your fishnets because you were exposing yourself and soliciting the attentions of gay men in a public park where children play?????? And what about your wife when you expose her to the potential DEADLY diseases that comes from haveing sex with strangers you know nothing about.

I am sorry, but the question you should ask yourself is Why do I need to participate in risky behavior at all costs? How selfish you must be. Please do not do this behind your wife's back. Give her the chance to protect herself from potential harm. Care about her that much. Counseling could help you sort out your feelings. Kitty

[SexxxyBrianna]

If you are confused now tell me how will it be when you get arrested and have to go to jail in your fishnets because you were exposing yourself and soliciting the attentions of gay men in a public park where children play?????? And what about your wife when you expose her to the potential DEADLY diseases that comes from haveing sex with strangers you know nothing about.

You cannot be arrested for wearing womans clothes. You can expose yourself, but you could be a male or female, it would be the same thing. He didn't say he was exposing himself did he? To be soliciting gay men, he would have to approch them and ask, which he did not say he was doing. We have parks around here where the gay men hangout or cruise, there are never children in these areas as they tend to keep it fairly hidden. The sex with strangers I believe is the biggest problem he will have if he follows through will be the potential to contract diseases. And yes, he should tell his wife. Anything less would be cheating.

[kittypw GG]

Sorry Brianna but you must not know any gay men? There is plenty of exposing and the parks that are cruisy are the same parks that children play in . I have seen first hand the secret lives of gay men. Kitty

[Josi]

Kitty .. just want to say how much I agree with you IF Firestorm's post is reality rather than fantasy.
Forgive me if this upsets anyone, but there seems to be a lot of 'wishful thinking' on the threads. I have no problem with fantasies .. lol I have my own.

Perhaps tho there should be a Fantasy Forum .. mmm and then the rest of the forums could deal with life issues.

If Firestorm is for real .. she needs a reality check .. and a course on Risk Assessment ...
Because whatever we decide to do .. we should do just that ... is the benefit worth the risk?
What is the liklihood of "exposure' and then how severe could the consequences be?

Thank you Kitty for words of wisdom.

Josi :notworthy:

[Andrea's Lynne]

The part of this post that distubs me is "As yet I have not had any m/m action but I think its only a matter of time.".....because Firestorme says he is married. Pure and simple that would be cheating.

[magpie]

i haven,t posted much on this forum but i do like it here you all make me feel normal if there is such a thing.
but this thread has struck a chord.
i to like men but don,t find them sexy i just like the things we could do together. but i would never go out in puplic dressed as a women.(even thou i want to). crazy i no.
my advise would be talk to your misses before its to late because if your not carefull your actions could put you in a whole world of poo.

[trannie T]

Stay away form the parks. They are full of flakes and gay bashers. Most gay bars are crossdresser friendly. There may be a crossdresser organization near you. Good luck and be safe.

[Bev06 GG]

Excuse me for asking, but didn't you say you were married. I hate to say this because I know that not all men are the same, but, Im going to anyhow. One of the reasons alot of RGs wont accept their partners crossdressing is because they suspect that it has very sexual conotations and they are not sure where it is going to lead. Now Im not suggesting for one moment that you are all the same, and even if it is sexual for you that your going to do anything about it. However, men being men, we realise that they are going to want at some point try out their fantasies, hopefully with a long term partner but not always. The more T Girls that I talk to, the more I realise how desperate some of you are to meet others for pleasure, so's to speak. And alot of you dont bat an eyelid at being unfaithful to your wifes even if you do think the world of them.
Firestone, have you given one single thought to how your wife would feel about this if she were to find out. It sounds like your wife doesn't even know that you dress, which is fair enough and your business, but dressing doesn't actually physically harm her does it. Having sex with male prostitutes and homosexuals could very well do. I think your being a tad selfish here sweetlegs. I just wonder how you would feel if your wife were to go do the same to you. I wonder how you would feel if you had a young daughter who's partner had the same passions and desires as you are having right now. I wonder if you would think that it was Ok for her husband or partner to go off looking for sex in parks. Maybe you dont have any family and thats why you can be so detached, but if you love your wife please I urge you to think twice about what your aiming to do. Apart from anything else there really are some thugs out there, you could get seriously hurt. A man dressed as a woman! flirting in a park! most yobo's would kill you so much as look at you, and what easy picking you would be.

And Yes to that last question I dont think your right in the head. I think your a pretty mixed up guy and I feel very sorry for you. You will never be satisfied even if you do fulfill your hearts desire. Infact you might even find that the fantasy was much more pleasurable than the real thing, as is often the case. I really hope that you will seriously consider the consequences of your actions and try and fulfill your fantasies within your marriage. There are ways.
BEvxxxxxx

[firestorme]

Well thanks for the comments, to try and reply to some of you.......

Connierotten yes my wife is going through the change of life and ballistic with it at times.
lilDolly87 I think I am partly going through some kind of exploration process at the moment maybe a bit like a teenager who discovers his/her sexuality and then plays the game til they settle down.
Kittypw GG No! I am not exposing and although there is a percieved risk I make sure that I am not too exposed, I value whats left of my life, Dont want to shorten it.
SexxxyBrianna I am not exposing myself and the parks I use are out of town and do not have children at that time....no way would I risk having children around.
Bev 06....You might be right I could be F..... up in the head but I would assume we have all gone through this process at some stage.

Yes the married part and concealing my crossdressing does bother me but my wife is very `conservative` and having been married for 30 years i do know she would not like it one little bit, I do not want to expose her to this in any way. Hopefully my fantasies will pass and I will just dress for the thrill without progressing to a m/m contact. I cant help the way my brain thinks I can hopefully control to an extent my actions though.

Firestorme

[Janelle Young]

Hi Firestorme,

Welcome to the forum.

I think you may be setting yourself up for a lot of trouble. If your wife does not know of your dressing, can you imagine what she will feel like when she finds out you were arrested in a park wearing a skirt and having sex with a man? Divorce comes to my mind, as does shame and humiliation.

If you want to have sex with a man I think there are better places to arrange it than a park. One never knows when the undercover sting operation will be in full swing.

Perhaps a gay dating web site might be a better way to go. Just my thoughts on this.

[firestorme]

I have no intention of commiting any act in any park, if I still feel the urge then I would arrange to meet well away form any normal `gay` haunts.
As for a gay dating site....I am not and as yet have not had an act with m/m at this stage it is fantasy I do not consider myself to be gay but as mentioned in my post my fantasies have gone in that direction when I `dress`.
It may never happen.

[Sweet Susan]

I can tell you from experience that you had better be ready for what you get. Gay men are not pussys, and they don't like being teased anymore than anybody else. If you put yourself in the position to have "an outing" with a strange gay man, and you lead him on, you had better be willing to follow through with it. This isn't one of those "no means no" discussions. Gay men are experienced, and they can have their way with you in a heartbeat. They don't hang around those places to play games. Be careful.

[firestorme]

Thanks for the advice Sweet Susan

[Tamara Croft]

I'm a bit lost for words with this thread. Let me try and find some :(

Ok, firstly, you are married, think about your wife. Just because she is having problems, does not give you the right to go having sex elsewhere, sorry but cheating is cheating no matter what the excuse.

Secondly, have you thought about STDs at all?? What if you are in the park and you change your mind? but that guy isn't about to take no for an answer and rapes you wearing no protection. And what if he has AIDS? you going to share that with your wife too?

I know this is harsh, but you need a reality check about fantasy and reality.

[firestorme]

Tamara GG

Yes all those thoughts have occured to me but it is early days and who knows maybe I will tell my wife,although at this stage not planning to. Yes I would love if it she knew and was supporting me but this I would consider highly unlikely.

As far as going to the parks this is due in part as its the only place I can safely `dress` I never get the opportunity at home and yes I get a thrill from it. Because of the risk factors associated with the gay community I have probably held back and continued to use this as a fantasy only but the fantasy does exist and it doesnt go away. If ever I was to have that physical contact with a guy then it would be away from the park in a safer 1:1 situation. Also because of my circumstances I prefer to dress in a gay area (rather than a public place) as I am less likely to get reported, gays may not find me appealling but they are unlikely to report me, if I was in the local supermarket or garden center carpark it would most likely only be a few minutes before I was reported to the police and that I done want.

regards
Firestorme

[MsJanessa]

Stay away form the parks. They are full of flakes and gay bashers. Most gay bars are crossdresser friendly. There may be a crossdresser organization near you. Good luck and be safe.
Ahmen to that---no matter what others think of the morality of what you are doing,(some people have to judge) it is extremely dangerous. Not only is there a real danger of police harrassment,(even though crossdressing is legal in most places, in certain areas and times of day the cops conduct prostitution sweeps and round up anyone wearing a skirt and fishnets--guilty until proven innocent) but there is the real possiblity of being attacked and seriously injured or killed by some homophobic nut case or even the stray band of teenagers. Contrary to what kittie GG said above I doubt that you would run into playing children and their mothers---I'm assuming you go later in the evening, but what you would run into is a whole bunch of trouble from violent Trannie bashers who really would want to hurt you because of who and what you are. You would be much safer going to the local gay clubs. Find out where they are--give them a call to make sure that X-dressers are welcome there--put on your nicest outfit and go out for a night on the town.--Safely--ps if you do become intimate with someone be sure to use protection--i.e. a condom--

[EricaCD]

Hi FS! Yes, I can imagine you're feeling a bit conflicted. Obviously, nobody in this group is going to bat a false eyelash at your interest in dressing - though some style mavens might take issue with your clothing choices :)

That said, it sounds as though you are taking a fairly self-destructive approach in seeking an outlet for any homosexual urges. And Tamara is correct in pointing out that many of the possible consequences would not only impact you, but your spouse as well. I'd take a step back and think this through.

[Adele]

Firestorme.

There is alot of good advice here and I know it is not what you want to do but you must tell your wife. Doesn't she deserve some honesty? I nearly F****D up on that one. No matter how careful you are she will find out one way or another.

Also if you think your fantasies will pass then think again. I believe most of us have battled for years to come to terms with our dressing/sexuality. This is not going to go away.

I wish you well.

[GypsyKaren]

Okay...I've been out of town for a few days, I'm way behind on trying to get caught up here, so I'm just gonna toss in a few words and go. First of all, parks are for families and children, they're not a place to strut your stuff. Believe it or not, there are gay bars just about everywhere, so find one with a Google.

Second, and so important that it cancels out number one, don't cheat on your wife. An orgasm lasts for just a few seconds, but the guilt lasts a lifetime.

One last thing, then you're on your own. One lesson I've learned in life is this...sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality...think about it.

Karen

[Penny]

Your out of bounds; get back in the game of real life or you may be penalized
beyond belief! If you can't do it on your own, get some professional help to deal
with your confussion!

[gennee]

I'm 57 and started crossdressing nine months ago. I never had the desire in the past. A decade ago, I wouldn't be caught dead in panties or a dress. I got the urge to put on my spouse's dress and been dressing every since. I came out to her the other day. I love it when 'Gennee' can express herself. just enjoy what you're doing and be yourself.

GENNEE

[connie rotten]

If I had an idea of where you live I might understand the cruise hang out aspect. Where I live the real gay people have a gay culture around our three gay bars in an area of town. The people cruisin the parks are plain & simply your run-of-the-mill perverts. Gay people are reputable members in the community and really care about the gay immage. Pervs on the other hand undermine every thing with there indescretion.
I can walk the street enfem with no hastle at all. I can even go to the porn store in the light of day veiw a vidio there or by one to take home and no one pays any mind.
If I were to behanging around the parks being a perve people would start to be pissed off with me and the freedom I have to be a cd in public would be in jepordy because in our small city we are not strangers to our neighbors.
All that to say In the US most cities have places where your conduct can be more tolerated than in open parks. If you have a porn place to go to take your crossdressed self there. I am sure you'll find the acceptance you are looking for.:Party2:You may even find a friend to let you come over to "dress". If not go to motel 6 for 20 odd $ you can have a room to.....whatever.

[joanlynn28]

You are playing with fire and are going to get burned real quick. If the feelings you have are real than go to a more apropiate place. Public parks are for the public not your private fantasy land. Take the others advice go to a more private place like a establishment that caters to that type of thing. As for what you are doing, you are cheating on your wife. Just don't end up like me, I have been cheating on my wife, the only thing is I am the woman that I have been cheating with. And yes it is a little late to become a crossdresser a late bloomer obviously. But than again I had the pleasure of meeting a nice attactive transsexual this past weekend. She goes postop in August and she told me that she didn't crossdress until she was 40. Told me a couple of girlfriends dressed her up and that is the where it lead up. I don't find that typical in my opinion, me I started to dress when I was 8 years old and I have been doing it off and on for almost 40 years.0.02

[firestorme]

Connie rotten

I live in small town (30k population) Scotland UK.

Firestorme

[Lisa Golightly]

Oh, why bother with all this park nonsense.. that's for pop stars abroad. If you are in the uk then hit some scene venues... Manchester will be your best bet. You'll find plenty of people interested in exploring your curious nature. As for the moral dimension.. I'm not going to preach at you... you're 50 so if you've managed to get this far you know the score.

I think you're one of those nice old school types that after 50 years has become that little bit tired of being a man as defined by your upbringing. Sometimes guy's need a hug and have a desire to feel protected too... if that's what you're looking for then bon chance.

[firestorme]

A big thank you to all who have replied to my initial post.
I have read them all and it has given me a lot to think about, which I will do over the coming days. It is obvious that I need to slow down a bit and take stock of my situation and decide what is best for me to do and the best way for me to deal with it.
I will over the coming days get my thoughts together and post them on the forum.
Once again thanks for all your contributions and taking the time to read and respond. It has been greatly appreciated.:thumbsup:

regards
firestorme

[Rikkicn]

Dear Firestone,
First thanks for taking a risk and posting your situation. That takes courage and I admire you for it.
I've been reading the replys to your post and have an alternative perspective.

There were lots of comments on your activites being dangerous. Dangerous because of STD's, AIDS, rape, police harrasment and I'm sure there are more.
The rates on new aids infections is highest in the TG community than in the gay community. Just something to be aware of. Condoms prevent the transmission of std's so please make sure you and your partner use one.
Gay cruising in parks has been going on for many, many years. There was a time that was one of the few ways to meet. It is a time honored tradition.

I live in San Francisco and there are a few parks that are know for cruising and they are populated late at night with only gay men. It's not common to see gay men exposing themselves and wating for someone to come by. Rather they walk and stroll looking for eye contact or some other form of interest. Most all my friends are gay and this is what they tell me. There is no gay bashing or problem with the police. I would however check with the local gay network(on line or otherwise) to find out if your park(s) are similar.
I think that our sexual orientation could be something that changes and adjusts through out our lives. For many of us we never have the chance to experiement becasue same sex love is considered so wrong. Many cultures (not western ones) have an accommodation for same gender sex. Infact it's only been the last hundred years or so that there was something called defined as a homosexual.
You may dressing the way you would want your wife to dress and it's sad that she doesn't feel like she can do that for you or that you can't have this discussion with her. My sweetie wears bikinis panties during her day but I asked her if she would wear full cut styles for me when we're playing. She said if it makes you hot then I'll do it.
You may also be seeking attention and you may have tendencies toward exibitionism. To this I would suggest you find private sex parties or clubs where you can be seen in a way that excites you. The BDSM communities are generally accecting of TG folks so perhaps going to a fetish ball of some sort would be fun for you. Public exposure is not a good way to go. It's not respectful of others needs. Please consider that.
Here's a link to a book written by a FtM that you might find very interesting to read.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1573440965/104-5033891-4831913?v=glance&n=283155
Cheating on your wife is another issue. There are many kinds of marriages and I had one like yours. She didn't want anything to do with sex while I was dressed, most of her body was off limits to me, she didn't want to wear the lingerie that made me excited, she never initiated what little sex we had. I was miserable and unhappy so I went to many sex workers over the years and really enjoyed sexual contact and the intimacy that came with it. It was a kind of intimacy that I wanted to feel with my wife but she wasn't available for that. If it wasn't for this we would have divorceed and perhaps we should have but I keep hoping that age, theraphy, maturity, self awarness would mean changes for the better. I loved her and want it to work but eventually I gave up and we divoceed.
I wish when these problems arose that I was mature enough and wise enough to make my needs known but I wasn't. There will be many here that will condemn me for cheating and that's up to them. I lived the best life I knew how and have no regrets.
I wish you all the best in your sexual search.
Huggs and compassion
Rikki

[firestorme]

Rikkicn,

Probably without realising it both yourself and lisa Golightly have been quite accurate in understanding my situation and I can relate very well to what both of you have posted. This will help me a great deal in sorting out and analysing my problems over the next few days, I also think as a result of this posting and the replies that I now have a greater understanding of what I am about and what I should do and also the way forward to get the best from my situation.

Many thanks for taking the time to reply.
Firestorme

[firestorme]

well having given some serious thought after all the comments I have decided to stay away from the gay` areas. I now believe I was using this as a `safe` place for me to dress, that is away from home and places I might be recognised.
What helped me (apart from all your comments) was doing a little bit of fantasy thinking ie taking on the role of being single,living somewhere no one knew me and I had just won the lottery so could do what I wanted when I wanted and didnt have to work.
Well, First and foremost I wanted a woman (or maybe several) and then I would have wanted a woman who woud allow me to dress up ocassionaly, of course all this was going to be at my new tropical holiday home :-), the interesting thing is though given all this new found freedom my fantasies did not include wanting men at any stage. So without going into too much detail I have now managed to focus on what I really want.
Waking up to reality though I still have the issue of being married but I will just have to see how that goes in the meantime I stay in the closet and will enjoy my other self when I can.
Thanks again to all who have contributed and helped me untangle my thoughts, I really appreciate the help you have given me.
Firestorme
xxx

[Cathy Anderson]

Again, a lot of good advice has been given:

1. This happens a lot to men in their 50s.

2. "Cruising" is dangerous. How many times have we read recently of some celebrity etc. being arrested for things like that. No matter what else, don't risk that kind of humiliation.

3. Given everything you've said, I'd suggest talking to a counselor. NOT because there's anything wrong with you. But just to have someone to talk to. Believe me, counselors know about this one. A male counselor who's a bit older might be the best choice.

4. As you say, you're not really attracted to men. It's more the idea of feminine feelings, sexual feelings, etc. Seen in that light, it's even a bit unrealistic to consider having sex with a man. At best, you'd just be "using" him. And that never makes for a good experience
anyway.

5. Even if you did something, you probably wouldn't find it anywhere near as enjoyable as you might fantasize it to be. And likely you'd regret it afterwards.

If you're religious, this might be a good thing to pray about for some help.

People go through life changes continuously. My guess is that you need to find something else to catch your interest. Some area of life that you've neglected or never had time to pursue. And if you get into that it will take your mind off this silly stuff.

You might find interesting this article:

http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/cathytg/anima.htm

Cathy

[Penny5050]

Hi,

I experience very similar feelings to yourself. I am 54, and over the years have been to many different types of counsellor, who have been helpful at the time and allowed me to move on in my development, but in the long term have not reduced the strength of my feelings nor helped me explore them.

Like you, I need to have a sexual encounter with a man with me as a woman. My need for sex with a man cannot be accurately described as homosexual as I have no physical attraction to men. Sexually I am attracted to women. The need for me is far more an inner one of identifying with another part of myself. I also need the 'thrill' of the risk.

I am now at the stage where I acknowledge that experience is one of the most important parts of understanding. I am taking the view that until I experience certain parts of myself and sexuality I will not be capable of understanding any more about myself or condition.

So risky as it is, I started to see men for sexual experiences without my wife's knowledge. I am not going to make any great claims about it. I am not now a fully enlightened person with all the answers to mixed gender issues. However I do now understand men in a way that I never did before, and my own male and female feelings are changing as I get a less confused picture of my own male and female needs.

I am a little taken aback by some of the respondants to your query. Some people have written some very harsh replies that offer little support of any real value. Some seem to downright damm you. This is a shame, as it seems to me that a huge problem area of our condition stems from suppression of feelings due to moral dilemma.

My wife knows about my transvestism, I told her many years ago and we still discuss it occasionally. I have plenty of clothes and don't hide them. However I do notice her uncomfortable looks when she comes accross them and so I know that we haven't "got there" with transvestism - not just her, but me also.

So I cannot honestly believe that I would benefit her in any way to reveal to her my need for sex with a man. I regard this as something that would be an unpleasant burden to her and probably not very much of a release for me. I intend to explore this privately, putting aside the moral issues and taking the chance to finding out what I really might be and truly feel, without the suppression of guilt. That is hard enough without the pain of burdening her.

Regarding risk - a whole part of cross-dressing is about risk. If you start facing up to the need for risk then something will change inside you. If you suppress it then nothing will change.

However risk doesn't mean stupid. If you do stupid things then you are likely to get injured in some form or other.

Best wishes - Penny

[stephanie100]

You are on dangerous ground In the UK it is called cottaging and people do get arrested for it. As i posted elsewhere under "anyone had this happen" I was flattered a male had read me as femail to want a date but to do so would be suicidal i urge you to take the advise from all these good people and seek help. Tell your wife if on a trip dressed a friend saw you and mentioned it to her that would be worse. mine is fine allows me to dress any time i wish and even calls me Stephanie when dressed.
Steph