Slow but steady progress with my wife

[Elizabeth G]

Hi All,

Some time ago my wife learned of my crossdressing and we have been working through things ever since. This is just a bit of an update for anyone who may be interested.

My wife and I were seeing a wonderful therapist who has since retired so we eventually found a new one who is also really good. The new therapist has a different approach which is more active and direct. Her idea is to slowly desensitize my wife to my dressing by introducing aspects of it gradually so my wife can adjust over time.

To that end I no longer even have any mens underwear, my women's clothes are kept hanging in the closet and I keep my toenails painted all of the time. The most recent development was this past weekend. On Saturday night I wore a dress in front of my wife for the first time. It was fully in MIAD mode - no wig, makeup or accessories because my wife isn't ready for that yet but she saw me in a dress nonetheless and the world didn't come to an end. We actually spent a nice evening watching a movie. I'm sure my wife wasn't thrilled but she didn't burst out laughing or get snarky or anything of the sort. I'm not a fan of the MIAD look for me but I view it as a means to an end.

I know this is small potatoes for some while others would love to be in my position. It's just where I'm at right now. My crossdressing is still an issue in my marriage but I no longer believe it will be the end of it. Now the addition we're putting on the house on the other hand... :lol:

Elizabeth

[Patience]

I'm glad your dressing isn't getting in the way of your relationship.

Not a fan of MIAD either, but it's better to make a good small step than hazard a leap and fall flat on your face.

[Charlotte7]

That's lovely Elizabeth. Hopefully, you and your wife will be able to keep moving, one step at a time, and end up somewhere where you are both happy. I wish you all the best.

[bridget thronton]

Not small potatoes at all - great progress and a good plan

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Great news. Your new therapist’s approach, along with what she learned from the original therapist, has to be making a sizable impact. I can see your “ Berlin Wall “ breaking apart. It has to be less stressful in your home & that is a huge blessing ! Much peace to you & your wife.

[Stephanie47]

I think I am understanding what is happening and your ultimate goals. Your therapist's idea is to desensitize your wife to you wearing women's clothing and presumably fully emulating a woman with wig and makeup. What are you giving up to accommodate any misgivings your wife has about your cross dressing? Is the goal to eliminate any boundaries for you to express yourself? Or are there going to be boundaries to accommodate her discomfort?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Elizabeth :hugs:, Now that the ball is in our wife's court now, Just go slow and don't overwhelm her with this program.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>Orchid ..+:daydreaming:+..

[Alice B]

Slow, but stead stays the course

[Elizabeth G]

I think I am understanding what is happening and your ultimate goals. Your therapist's idea is to desensitize your wife to you wearing women's clothing and presumably fully emulating a woman with wig and makeup. What are you giving up to accommodate any misgivings your wife has about your cross dressing? Is the goal to eliminate any boundaries for you to express yourself? Or are there going to be boundaries to accommodate her discomfort?

Hi Stephanie,

Great question and thanks for asking. While it would be great for me if there were no boundaries I think that would be an unreasonable and selfish expectation. While I expect there will always be boundaries I'm just hoping to get to the point where they are less constrictive and be something we can both be comfortable with. I have respected the boundaries as they have been since my wife found out I dress and will always try to do so. I'm just hoping to expand them over time.

Elizabeth

[RADER]

Just go slow, it worked for me.
Rader

[Crissy 107]

Elizabeth, This sounds like great progress to me! From what I can see in my short time here everyone will be rooting for you. I look forward to updates in the future.
Crissy

[Mistyjo]

Elizabeth
Sounds like great progress

[Stephanie47]

Hi Stephanie,

Great question and thanks for asking. While it would be great for me if there were no boundaries I think that would be an unreasonable and selfish expectation. While I expect there will always be boundaries I'm just hoping to get to the point where they are less constrictive and be something we can both be comfortable with. I have respected the boundaries as they have been since my wife found out I dress and will always try to do so. I'm just hoping to expand them over time.

Elizabeth

The reason I did ask is because I've seen too many relationships fall apart when a wife feels in the long run she has been pushed where she never wanted to go. There is sometimes a lot of flack us DADT cross dresser gets for not "asserting" ourselves. Sort of telling the wife "take it or leave it, that's the way it's going to be" without considering viewpoints a woman may have. My wife explicitly told me if she wanted to be married to a woman, she would have married a woman. She also said it was alright for me to join a support group if I wanted to. That seemed to be an accommodation I was willing to make. Others may not think so, but, one heels does not fit everyone. Hope you and your wife can work out a mutually acceptable arrangement.

Out of curiosity did either of the counselors you met with have separate interviews with yourself and your wife or was there only joint sessions? When my wife and I had joint counseling for my combat related issues we had separate interviews before joint counseling. Separate interviews allows a counselor to get unconstrained thoughts from both partners.

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Stephanie,

Your point is well taken and much appreciated. I am doing my best to make sure it's not all about me and to ensure my wife has input and I listen. I'm going to come to a long term solution that works for both of us.

I have seen both therapists independently before my wife has joined in. In both cases I have suggested that she might wish to go for a solo session but she prefers not to and so far it is working well for us. My wife even commented after our last session that it was nice to be able to walk down the street after therapy holding hands.

Again, thank you for your input and questions.

And thank you to all who have responded - I'm a lucky person.

Elizabeth

[Teri Ray]

Elizabeth,

Great post. I am so happy that you and your wife are making progress. Love is the key and you both working through this desire with understanding is wonderful. Communication and understanding are powerful. Best wishes to you and your wife.

[Maria in heels]

it's great that you and your wife are working things thru and small steps are wonderful. MIAD sometimes is weird, but if it makes them feel comfortable by seeing a part of us other than the dress at that moment, we just oblige because it makes them feel better

[Becky Blue]

I see what you are doing Elizabeth smart girl... do a home renovation it makes the issues of a CD husband pale into insignificance!

Jokes aside, thanks for the update, you do seem to be making progress, as you have a lot of empathy for your wife and how it is from her perspective, i am sure you will find a happy spot. Good luck and keep us posted.

[rachelatshop]

Hi Beth, I'm so happy that you are making progress in your cross dressing relationship related to you marriage.

[alwayshave]

Elizabeth, sounds like seeing the therapist has been positive. Best of luck going forward.

[Beverley Sims]

Elizabeth,
Good for you just keep going and follow directions.

You will get there.

[phili]

I would think the MIAD look is good for the initial densitizing and realizing you are her man still, and then after a bit it is not a big reach for her to see and accept that you, like she, likes to look different or better or feminine, all things which also need time for her to adjust to a man being allowed to do.


I join in the ecstatic happiness that you have this much support!

[Kimberly Adams]

Elizabeth,

I'm in the same boat with you, minus any therapy yet. My wife has been unbelievably supportive and we have been just taking baby steps. Trying on shoes, different dresses, bras, etc. Every time she says it just keeps getting easier. In her mind the biggest fear is I'm going to decide I'm gay and leave her for a man. So not happening. In time hopefully she will relax and not worry about it.

[Jillian Faith]

Elizabeth

I think your approach will pay dividends in the end. When my wife first found out we drafted what we called our Agreement which stated what activities were OK and not OK. Over time as my wife became more comfortable the long list of not OK activities were reduced to just one which I wholeheartedly support which was our two daughters not find out about my dressing. Keep the faith, don't rush her and I think the two of you will reach a long term solution that works for both of you.


Jill

[DanaR]

Elizabeth,
Have you ever been out as a girl? Are there any cross dressing groups near you, that you use as a resource?

The first time that went out was to an Emerald City meeting in Seattle. I joined that night. About a month later, they were having their annual Christmas party. I told my wife about the party and that a lot of the wives attended, if she would like to go. She thought about for about a week and then told me she would go with me. She had a good time and had a chance to talk to other wives. A couple of days after the party she came up to me and gave me a big hug and told me she had a better understanding of cross dressing.

I think the big thing is where do you want it to go?

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Dana,

I have been out in the past and would very much like to go out again but this time with my wife's full knowledge. It would likely be by myself as I doubt she will ever get to the point of joining me. I have suggested a support group to her but she isn't crazy about that idea, either with her or by myself for two reasons. First, she views it as a slippery slope towards transition and second she read a less than flattering description of a Tri-Ess meeting written from a wife's viewpoint and is not interested.

I know I'm on a long road and will try to be patient although at almost 54 years old and with heart problems how patient can I afford to be :lol: ).

Thanks for your thoughts on this.

[DanaR]

My wife was worried that I might want to transition too; which I think is what most wives think. It took time for her to realize that isn't what I was going to do. I didn't do anything behind her back, was honest and told her everything that I was doing. I tired of the once a month group outings, but like to go out shopping once in a while. My wife and went out together several times in other cities.

[Rhandi Spencer]

Elizabeth,
Congratulations on making progress. This is a difficult area for wives learning that the man they married loves to wear women's clothing. (At least in my case). I applaud you for the counseling and being open to your wife.
I am in the exact same situation except for counseling.
My wife loves LuLaRoe clothing and has allowed me to try on a few of her dresses and has bought me one dress, allowed me to purchase one on my own. We looked at another dress and she indicated the coral color would draw to much attention and I understand her thoughts on this, however where I would wear it will be in a place nobody know us. I have worn the one dress at home while watching television. We are doing a road trip in October and I plan to wear female clothing most of the travel days.

I do not like being a MIAD but baby steps for her and giant steps for me.

Good luck with the remodel.

[cdsamswife]

Good Luck Elizabeth! Hopefully your wife and you find a good rhythm and figure out your boundaries together! Be prepared potentially for some slight stalls... but you'll get there! All the best!

[DonnaP]

HI Elizabeth


Really glad to hear things are progressing well for you and your Wife. Very Happy for you. I hope some day you and I can have lunch again and get reacquainted.

[Jaime77]

Hi Beth, Congrats on the continued steps forward. As each fall season rolls around, I'm hopeful that I can overcome my inhibitions in telling my own wife, but then spring rolls around. :/ A big part of my reluctance in telling my wife is that we have daughters, and in this house, there aren't any secrets amongst them (and then who knows how far beyond), and the girls don't need to know....