Working with a TRANS do I tell them about me?

[Judy-Somthing]

The company I work for hired a Trans guy to girl about 6 months ago, I thought it was so cool.
I'm not sure of the trans he/she's is at but today is the first she wore a dress, a full length pink party dress.
It looked great. I wanted to say something but was afraid.

I had three new dresses in my car, would of been cool to show her and tell her my secret.

I'm kind of under the belief that trans people think CDing is odd.

She's seems like a very nice person.

[nikkiwindsor]

I think you would just get to know her first...not rush things...and see how things go...BTW, I love how you look in your new"er" avatar pic...gorgeous hair!

[biancabellelover]

My 2c.

I feel that in today's society we almost need permission to go and speak with people who's different.

Rather than look at the label, look at the person and see if she is someone you'd want to get to know better. If so, then why not say something?

If she wore a dress to work, then what's possibly wrong with going up to her and saying "Hi, I'm Judy. I'd just like to compliment you on your dress". (Or your male name if in drab). And if you've missed out today, then tomorrow something like "I loved the dress you wore yesterday".

Not everyone is looking for reasons to be offended.

How many times do we read threads here saying "I got a compliment today and it feels so good"? There's one running right now!

It's pretty easy stuff, but in today's world it's like we're afraid to make comments like that due to fear of being called creepy, sexist, misogynist, racist, or "whatever-the-demon-of-the-day-is...ist"

It's sad. I'm glad I'm self-employed these days and don't have to worry about that kind of stuff.

Michelle.

edit: I just re-read your post, where you also wanted to tell her about yourself. My response above was more in line with the "It looked great. I wanted to say something but was afraid" comment.

[LydiaL]

While trying to put my own thoughts together, 2 very good responses already (IMO) to the Judy-S post.

Be genuinely friendly with the individual, complement as warranted. So why not become friends first?

My limited experience with Trans gals learning I am a serious CD is quite limited, but had been quite positive. Most must recognize that they too went through a CD phase before taking the next step.

Wish you the best as this relationship enfolds (or should at least).

L

[Paula DAngelo]

I think this really depends on how well you know each other. If you have had limited contact with each other and don't really know each other I would suggest getting to know this person first. If you already are friendly with each other then use your best judgement on how to proceed. Remember not everyone wants to be recognized as a transgender individual, they may just want to be thought of as just a normal person.

Amazingly I just had this type of thing happen last Friday. Someone that I've worked with for several years came up to me and said "I'd like to show you something" and then proceeded to show me a picture of them fully dressed with makeup and wig (the total package). To me this showed a great deal of trust from the other individual in that they were willing to show me their other half. I'm sure that the only reason I was trusted is that they knew me before I started my transition and they felt I was safe to tell. Now if this had been someone that I really didn't know that would be another matter, I would have been slightly offended because I wanted to be seen as the woman that I am and this would have felt demeaning to me.

Remember this is just my personal feelings and I am only speaking for me, not all transwomen. Just for the record I don't think cross dressing or cross dressers are odd.

[AllieSF]

I agree with the posts so in that you should become acquaintances first and leave your own activities with dressing completely out of it. I have met a lot of trans people and most are just good down to earth people. But some, a surprisingly high number were/are very sensitive to everything and want to go it alone without any third party co-worker interference, I.e. please to not come up to talk with me about my personal trans life. Therefore, do not bring up your stuff until you feel that she feels comfortable talking about something so very personal.

There are tons of old threads plus another one almost the same as yours, and the majhority of the responses were similar to mine and the ones here above mine. Go slow.

[Tracii G]

Hard to say really but I would get to know her better over time just don't make her being trans a big thing just treat her with respect.
You didn't say if she presents female all the time or a mix of the male and female?

[Judy-Somthing]

Up until today she never wore a dress and with the male voice I didn't know what to think!

[Aunt Kelly]

I don't know if they find it odd or not, but I am pretty sure that our TS friends see CD's as rather more different from them than CD's see themselves as different from TS's. Yes, that's a very broad generalization, but we see here, regularly, some rather glaring ignorance displayed about the TS experience from those not sharing it.

Cool is an employer that welcomes diversity. Diversity just is.

The odds are that the new employee just wants to get on with life, so take Nikki's advice and just get to know her as a coworker, then, maybe, a friend with whom you'd share your secret.
Just keep that difference in mind. You have a secret. She doesn't.

[Karen's Secret]

I suspect your colleague is like most of us at work. She probably just wants to come to work, do her job, and get along with her coworkers. I advise caution in discussing intimate details with a work colleague as while you are at work you need to conform to the behavior standards of your workplace. If you get to know her as a friend, and ever see her outside of work socially, then maybe consider sharing more about yourself.

[Patience]

Up until today she never wore a dress and with the male voice I didn't know what to think!Why would this be odd to you, considering your background?

[Rachelakld]

2 Weeks ago, a good work mate announced "he" was on hormones for 4 months and has had to tell people because her boobs are slightly obvious.

As I had known "him" and we work as a 2 person team on a big site every few weeks, we have a good working relationship.

That morning tea, we had a great girly chat :) and the following weekend we went shopping together, both fully dressed - great fun

[Stephanie47]

Treat her as you would want to be treated, acceptance. She would probably value your respect and friendship more not knowing your somewhat similar interests. You also have to consider sharing your secret with her also brings you at risk of being outed. If she is fully out as a transgender person, she may ask why are you hiding? Got a valid answer for her?

[alwayshave]

Judy, if you tell someone else, even someone like minded, are they going to keep it to themselves. Given your wife's feelings, are you going to let the cat out of the bag.

[Beverley Sims]

Others have said it, get to know her first befriend her and if it works you can then broach the subject.

As you all know she is transexual you could ask her pertinent questions when the time arises.

Oh! this can take a long time I might add.

[ClosetED]

Just like telling a woman you like her dress can get a person into harassment charges at a company, you can imagine the person feeling a bit awkward if you suddenly told her that. Maybe start with a "No place for Hate" sign. Or that you fully support the courage she is showing and you are open to be supportive to anything she wants to discuss, as you have some knowledge of the TG world. Then if she does open up to you, you can later explain how you have this background.
Hugs, Ellen

[phili]

The whole 'used to be a man, now a woman' classification is hard on everyone.

Putting ourselves in her shoes, we don't want just to be an object of curiosity- but a person trying to find themselves and express themselves- and friendships at work are just as valuable as any other. Even labeling her as trans is sort of a leap- and we know enough about all this to be sensitive to each person's struggle with gender.

She has left the closet, most of us haven't. She may be allergic to closets and now just wants to get on with natural acceptance as a person who is what she is. Wearing the dress was a huge day for her. Complimenting her on the dress is a simple way to also say, without saying," I am unfazed by cross gender feelings, I'm happy when people take a stand, I love your dress and all that it means, you are totally normal in my book", and then extend that to how you reference her, the tone in your voice when you speak her name, mention her, etc.

Ask her to coffee, or whatever- share info as a veteran, ask if she is having any issues at work, etc. You'll know if she is in a place where it makes sense to say more- but more likely that she needs to trust your acceptance before being asked to offer you acceptance! She may say she is an advocate and activist, or she may be tender and timid.

Either way, I am sure it is quite thrilling to imagine you could come to work in a dress now!

[Sherrii]

If you talk to her where others won't hear your conversation and keep it friendly and positive letting her know her "secret" is safe with you I don't see any problem. Sherrii

[Micki_Finn]

I’d say that if it comes up organically in conversation then great. Otherwise it’s just awkward and unnecessary. If you don’t plan on crossdressing at work there is very little need to tell her. Yes she’s transgendered but more than that she’s human and most people aren’t interested in having someone else’s baggage foisted on them.

[Teresa]

Judy,
I would leave it till you get the full facts about this person , also I feel you need to decide where you are on the TG road as your DADT is very restrictive . Telling her you are a CDer may not mean too much if she has fully transitioned . All the TSs I know are happy to give me advice because I'm out in public but how can you help someone totally stuck in the closet . Don't forget her reason for dressing is different to yours as you don't want to transition , she may not think Cding is odd but once you tell her she may well assume you are wanting to move down the TG road .

Sherri,
As Judy describes it there is no secret to hide as far as this person is concerned if she wore a dress to work .

[Eva Bella]

Haha well they often say that the main difference between a crossdresser and a transgender woman is about "two years." That's definitely how it's played out for me.

I suspect she was in your shoes at during her early stages as well. Here in our Los Angeles scene, the self-identified crossdressers hang out with transgender and queer people without any issues. I bet that she'd enjoy talking to you about your experiences and concerns. It only really goes sideways with people who are primarily obsessed with the clothing, and only want to talk about heels, pantyhose, French Maid outfits, etc. There's nothing wrong with that per se, but a transgender person is not likely to share those fixations.

Two things I'd suggest:

1. Ask her what pronoun she prefers (she/her or they/them) and stick with it. Don't ever use anything like he/she to describe them
2. Don't say "a trans" or "transexual." The yardstick on proper terminology is always moving, but we typically either say "transgender woman" (male to female), "transgender man" (female to male), or "non-binary."

[suzanne]

It's hard to get inside ones head and know what their feelings are, especially third hand, as we in the forum are receiving it. But speaking only for myself, I would feel most comfortable when you as a co-worker mainly just interact with me about work related topics, as if I weren't transgender, or as if transgender makes no difference to you, positive OR negative. It just is. From time to time offer compliments about her clothes, but don't make it an everyday thing. Restrict it to those days when she really has it going on. Otherwise it looks like you're over-emphasizing. Eventually, there might be a degree of mutual comfort where details get shared.

[KatrinaK]

I work with a TS in our office, but she and I have never really developed a personal relationship, so it would feel weird to out myself to her only for the sake of doing so. If I had developed a personal friendship with her, I may have considered doing so. But I the absence of a personal connection it would seem very awkward.

[Judy-Somthing]

I guess at this point it's probably best just to treat her the same as everyone else.

I occasionally talked to a woman at a company I worked at for years.
Then one day she came in with a new hairstyle and I said I thought it looked very nice.
After that she avoided talking to me or would cut the conversation short. She must have taken it as a pass.

[SamanthaToday]

Great advice on here, I am kind going through the same thing, I met a friend who is 2 years taking hormones.

When I get excited about simple things like going out dressed for coffee or to a restaurant, She finds it cute because She was there, but doesn't get the same rise from it, because its every day life for her.

So if you tell her, remember you will be getting something out of it, but She wont, its not like a nod, nod, wink, wink, I know what you are, remember She's out.

Not that She wont get a friendship out of it, but She can get that even if you say nothing.

Strike up a friendship if you want, but figure out why it's important to you. Because it sounds like before She wore a dress you didn't make an effort, so why now?

There is no wrong answer, just figure out why you want to let her know.

[Rollermiss]

Hate to say it but in today's society. A compliment can and is often taken the wrong way. even an innocent one. I have to watch what and how I say every word. especially in my line of work.

Like others have said. Just treat her as you yourself wants to be treated. befriend her, if a friendship starts then get to know her and her you. Almost like a romantic relationship just take it slow. One of my best friends, we started working together. We hit it off and have been friends ever since.

Kelsey

[Vickie_CDTV]

Because it is a workplace situation, you need to be extremely careful. A man who mentions a woman's appearance can get in major trouble for "sexual harassment". Unless you know this person well outside of work, practice the same "defensive driving" men today have to do around female coworkers; don't mention her clothes or appearance etc.

Just be courteous like you would any coworker. If you develop a friendship outside of work, then it might be ok to tell her about you. But not at work.

Some in the USA today aspire to be victims. It would be nice to live in a world where common sense was enough when it came to such things as simply complementing a woman's appearance, but nowadays it is playing with fire. Don't go there in there in the workplace, for your own good. Since you don't know her well, you don't know if she is an aspiring victim or not.