It's in our heads

[t-girlxsophie]

Was having a discussion with my friends recently about taking steps out,and as we have ventured out further from our comfort zone we've come to realise that a Lot of fears we have had are all in our heads

In the last couple of years We've being going to restaurants,shopping etc and visiting beauty salons and the like.And it's been wholly uneventful in terms of confrontation,Of course I'm not daft enough to believe it'll all be plain sailing but I know I could cope and the difference in my attitude is night and day compared to when i made those first tentative steps out the door to now where I've left my home dressed and taken public transport into big city rush hour.

Does this ring true with anyone or are my friends and I looking through a pink fog filter

Sophie

[Wildaboutheels]

"If society were more accepting" is THE battle cry for the vast majority here, no 2 ways about it. And if hundreds and hundreds a year claim it, it's gotta be true. Has to be.

And/or they live in one of THOSE towns. An "unaccepting" town.

I'm calling hogwash on both of those. But I can only speak for my own town.

I frequent virtually every place I go - clearly dressesd "wrong" - for a male of any age. For 17 years now. Perhaps a dozen different stores, on regular basis. Every place I go except work. 2 or 3 times a week x 52 weeks x 17 years.

Never had a single problem. Unless one wants to consider a group of laughing or giggling teenage girls a problem and I don't. This only happens when they feel empowered because they are in a GROUP.

In fact, rarely has a month gone by where I did not get at least one compliment.

Pogo was right.

"We have met the enemy and they is us."

But of course, when we first get started, (like most things humans do) there will be uncertainty or fear.

How and why do I always PASS?

I treat everyone I meet with both courtesy and respect.

It really is just that simple.

[Ceera]

A whole lot of going out successfully is attitude. If you go skulking about and looking like a victim expecting to be attacked, some slob is likely to do so. But if you seem relaxed and confident, people give you the benefit of the doubt, and do not bother you. Consider how wide the range of appearance is for cisgender women. We look at ourselves in the mirror, and know our flaws. They seem glaringly obvious to us. But most people really are not very observant, and are not expecting to encounter a transgender person or a crossdersser. Even when you talk to them, they tend to see what they expect to see.

In martial arts, one of the biggest lessons is, “don’t look like an easy victim”, followed closely by, “don’t put yourself in an easy position to be attacked.” Most bullies are also cowards. If you do not look like an easy mark, they will find a more vulnerable looking victim. Likewise, if you act like everything is normal and you have every right to be there, people tend to roll with it. At the same time, avoid situations that any cautious woman might avoid, like cutting through a dark alley or badly lit area alone. Common sense can prevent a lot of trouble.

When I started going out, I thought everyone would make me and at the very least react as if they knew I was cross dressing. But most people did not react at all.

[Becky Blue]

100% agree Sophie and well put.. its about attitude in my opinion.. I have done outings with a bunch of TGals, with no pretence of hiding who we were, most people were very nice. I have also done the blending in outings where most if not all people don't notice and don't care either.

[Rachelakld]

20 years ago, we had communities inundated late in the evenings, with trans, in see through nighties, looking for tricks.

Slowly, by being out in "normal" clothes and gender education/awareness at our schools, our association with the evening girls is becoming a distant memory

[Christie ann]

Sophie, i agree,
I just drove back from some out of state meetings where the drive was solely a Christine affair. I hate to admit but I do not pass so instead I just own it. No matter where I stopped, Restaurants, gas stations, dress shops, libraries, dress shops motels, dress shops no one cared. Did they notice? I assume so, there is no hiding it, but I walked confidently, held my head high, looked people in the eye and lived my life. Did they laugh behind my back? Possibly but I never heard or saw anything. I was always treated like a woman, even when asking where the rest room was and being told where the ladies room was located. Doors were opened for me, I was called ma’am often. ( gone are the days of being called miss)

[sometimes_miss]

a Lot of fears we have had are all in our heads
Please browse the other threads in this forum. Even on the first two pages, I find examples of people who aren't gender friendly, who just might kill you if you presented in the wrong gender.

You wrote: 'a Lot'. Not all. Please don't forget that. Don't mistake tolerance for acceptance. Just because you haven't been one of the unlucky ones yet, doesn't mean you won't be, tomorrow. Be careful out there.

https://www.hrc.org/resources/violence-against-the-transgender-community-in-2018

The 'it's all in our heads' concept may very well be what caused the dead to let their situational awareness lapse, and get them killed.

[DaisyLawrence]

Or you could just carry on because you live in the UK and NOT in the strange super negative world of sometimes_miss

[Beverley Sims]

The more you get out the easier it gets.

There are other attentions to detail you are searching for when you go out regularly.

It is never plain sailing though.

[Aunt Kelly]

Managing risk is my profession, so I may have a rather more methodical approach to assessing the "risk" of appearing in public en femme, but I will arrive at the same conclusions as WildAboutWheels and Ceera. If you act like the lady you are presenting as, people will treat you accordingly. I know, I know. It's counterintuitive for those of us that don't pass, but it's true. Sure, there will be the occasional scowling boor or group of giggling teenagers. They don't matter. And yes, there are truly "dangerous types" out there but they are genuinely few and far between, enough so that it is irrational to let fear of them govern your activities. Yes, irrational. The risk from those willing to physically harm us is not significantly different for TG women than for cis women. They (the cis women) don't let that confine their outings to trips to the mailbox, under cover of darkness. Why should we?

[Helen_Highwater]

Sophie,

I read your post and I think you've encapsulated the reality of it all. As you say it's pretty safe to go out and about and do all the normal thing any GG would do but I think no-one is saying it's 100% safe. The trick is to stay savvy. I've written before that there are places in my city that I wouldn't go in drab even with an armed guard and a police escort so guess what, going there enfemme isn't on my to do list.

It all comes down to common sense coupled to just keeping your wits about you.

[susan54]

I have been out hundreds of times and often in small rural communities and never had a problem. Yes there is always the chance of meeting a nut job but that happens to women too. I don't think it is mere tolerance - that might be true of those who just walk past you and may or may not be paying enough attention to register that they have just walked past a crossdresser. I have had so many wonderful and positive interactions that there is no doubt of a wide and strong element of acceptance. I often say that if I did not go out dressed as a woman I would not have met so many really wonderful women. The fear of going out is WAY more worrying than anything that happens when you do go out in my experience.

[DIANEF]

I'm still a relative novice compared to some as regards to going out, but so far I have encountered no problems whatsoever. I've no doubt people have clocked me when I go for a drive or a walk, I'm now not really concerned if they have.

[Diane Taylor]

Each time you go out, you'll shed some of the fear...…………….

[t-girlxsophie]

Well Helen seeing my trips out are mainly in the formerly (mostly) mean streets of Glasgow.I know very well which areas it wouldn't be advisable to take a wee stroll in.I like to think I've enough common sense to judge each situation on its own merits.

Sophie

[Karen's Secret]

For many of us the fear in going out is being discovered and facing issues at work or in the community. It would be devastating for me and my wife if I was identified as transgender. My career success would be in jeopardy.

[kimdl93]

I have to offer a bit of a Forrest Gump response. I think it’s both. In our heads and it’s out there and a real concern....

[Angela Marie]

Even if you are in guy mode, and able to adequately defend yourself there are places where you should avoid. Dressing adds a bit more caution to the equation. Regardless of your mode of dress, common sense is always the best option.

[Rhonda Jean]

I don't think it's all in our heads, but a lot of it is. I love reading the posts from those who are new at going out or those who are contemplating it. I just never gets old to me to read about one more who had the best day of her whole life simply by wearing a dress and heels and makeup to the gas station (for instance). I miss having that much excitement about it, really. After over 40 years of frequently being in public and getting rather used to it, there are still places I don't go and things I don't do, and I still find myself in situations that scare me. Not often, but it happens.

Example. And this is so minor, but it's still a thing. I was coming home from a weekend en femme. No wig or makeup or boobs. Short shorts, a loose flowy top, orange-ish polish fingers and toes, flip flops. I stopped to get gas at a large busy convenience store/truck stop in a rural area off the interstate. There were lots of open pumps, but instead of taking an open pump these two redneck looking guys in a big black pickup pulled up behind me and just sat there. They never said anything and never got out. They sat there for a minute or two and then moved to an open pump. I think they did it just to screw with me. It scared me a little.

On the flip side, I absolutely marvel at how I see some others pull it off. I think I come off as confident and natural, but I see some others who are on another level. The first one that always comes to mind is a male MUA at Ulta who is always fully and impeccably made up. He comes off as if he's totally unaware that he doing anything out of the ordinary, and from what I see of how people treat him (at least at Ulta), people are very at ease with him. Probably because he's at ease.

[Asew]

I know for me at first it was a lot in my head. It's not bad being out. But this world still contains hate and we need to be mindful of that.

[sometimes_miss]

I know for me at first it was a lot in my head. It's not bad being out. But this world still contains hate and we need to be mindful of that.

:thumbup:

[Leslie Mary S]

I have seen gay people snub/bother Cross Dressers.and that was in gay clubs. So you can frequently find low-lifers in and area.
You who live in large metropolis have larger areas where you can safely go. As the size of the community decreases the safe areas also decreases and the residents are less forgiving.
Where I live there are whole communities I will not go into dressed.
Just a short distance from me is the international headquarters and birthplace of the KKK.
It is the nature of humanity.
So Be safe, Have fun.

[Bobbi46]

Where I live is very small a little hamlet with 12 people all of them know about me and they treat me well, my local village has a population of around 300 and I would say about half know about me even the mayor and his entire council and umpteen more besides.
I suppose I am lucky with where I live because some can be a bit catty also there is a larger town not very far away and I know of a lesbian couple who have had to keep their orientation very close to themselves so in retrospect it works both ways.

[VivienneH]

Hi Sophie.

I'm from Glasgow. If you girls are looking for another friend to come out with you sometime then please let me know.

I've only been out fully dressed twice with each time essentially being a drive home from a professional make over.

[TheHiddenMe]

Yes, most of the fear is in our heads. I know two years ago I was afraid to go out. I went out twice last week to six different stores, bought gas, drove through White Castle, and once again no issues.

As to real risks, many of us live in a country with 320 million flipping guns, which is about 300 million too many. There are over 30,000 shooting deaths a year.

Yes, there are minor risks to going out dressed if you go to the wrong place.

But those risks are a lot less than being in the wrong place at the wrong time where there is a nut with a gun, be it Sandy Hook, or a black church in Charleston, or a gamer event in Baltimore, a nightclub in Tampa, or a concert in Vegas.

Even the physical risk of driving a car is far greater than the physical risk of going out dressed.

So most of the risks are in our head, and the real risks of our everyday lives FAR outweigh the risk of going out dressed.