Sometimes Crossdressing Weights Too Much

[Patricia_Campi]

Hello all,

Sometimes I fight against my crossdressing. It makes me feel bad, it makes me suffer. Sometimes I feel like I don´t want to have it, I want to get rid of it to only be a common man. It would make my life a lot more easier, it would make my wife a lot happier because of our love. Our relationship is great but crossdressing is a point of stress and fights and sadness for her and she doesn´t deserve that because she is an awesome human being. And when she is sad I am sad either, because I know it is my fault.

I try to think that I am gifted and able to have a vision of people that just a little of us can have, to see people beyond rules imposed by society, to see their true self and the most important, to not judge them for who they are and for who they want to be.

But this is not enough to ease the pain and sadness for not being able to be me, to be myself, to be judged by my clothes choice. So, maybe, the best choice is to lock Patricia away and live the easier life, a life that can be also full with happiness and joy. Can I do it for the rest of my life? I don´t know, but I am willing to try it at this moment.

I didn´t take this decision yet, but at this time I am 80% inclined to take this path.

I am sorry for this sad text, but it is how I am feeling at this moment.

Kisses

Patricia.

[Judy-Somthing]

I can surly relate to your situation.

Sometimes I think maybe substitute grooming as a man rather than as a woman.

[Beverley Sims]

Patricia,
Think of the happy times you have when dressed, try to share your life together with the other you, feeling sat only leads to depression and destroys any enthusiasm we have for what we do.

Put on a smile and enjoy life.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Hello Patricia;

There are three issues here;
. What makes you happy
. What makes your wife happy
. What makes the two of you happy

The last time I saw a counselor he asked me a question. "How would you feel if you dressed any way you liked ?" I replied "Happy". He said "Give yourself permission to be happy". It was the best advice ever.

Your wife may have things she wants/needs for you to say or do that are important to her. The best thing you can do is listen and talk.

You and your spouse might want to consider counseling separately and together. A good gender therapist may be able to help you through your issues.

[deebra]

Pat many of our long time members say you are born a crossdresser and IT IS THERE FOR LIFE. If you try to put it in a drawer and not open it you will be even more sad and your wife will be even more sad because you are sad. She needs to learn this, you were born with feminity just like her and it's not something you can get rid of just like she can't. The answer is "she needs to learn about crossdressing, understand and accept it". She should be reminded to count her blessing, there are a lot worse things you could be doing, she is so lucky to have you and should be thankful you love her so much. She is thinking about what SHE wants and thinks is right and that is the only way. Suppose she had a veteran coming back in a wheel chair? She can read and learn on her own, counseling???? or have a knowledgeable person explain it to her. She could turn something she thinks is bad into something that is good such as shopping.

[Aunt Kelly]

Patricia,
I have not given this advice in quite some time, but it is so clearly indicated here... Counseling, from a therapist qualified to deal with gender issues, for you and then your wife, will help. It is extremely unlikely that your nature is going to change. That's because it is ...natural. Yes, natural. Like redheads and left handedness, it occurs in only a fraction of the population, but occur it does. Estimates are all over the place, but I've seen one as high as 35-40 percent of males have cross-dressed at some point in their lives. So we can let go of the notion that this is a "disorder" that needs to be "cured". What your counseling should aim for is identifying ways to deal with it. Disorder or no, it has the potential to impact our lives; personally, socially, professionally, etc.
Do your marriage a favor and find that counselor.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Stacy Darling]

Sometimes my watering can weighs too much, but my roses won't bloom if i don't carry that weight!

Carry the weight!
Stacy!

[Stephanie47]

Patricia, I will agree with you. Wearing women's clothing has made life somewhat difficult. Life would be a lot easier if I was not a man who needs and likes to wear women's clothing on occasion. When my desires were limited to wearing a nylon nightgown or a slip I think my wife thought it was nothing more than a fetish for which she did derived some benefits. Happy man, happy wife. When it became more, then she shut down to her manly husband wearing women's clothing. She made it plain and clear, if she wanted to have a woman as a husband, she would have married a man. But, she wanted me in my male mode. That is what she bargained for. That is what she is getting, as long as she does not dwell on what I may do in private. I do not alter my body in any manner. I will say I was blessed with no hair on most of my legs and what is there is so light and fine I never would consider shaving. My facial hair when shaved does not require any masking agents. I do not display my wardrobe for her to see. She is a fairly good ostrich when it comes to hiding her head in the ground.

We have been married more than forty-five years. Except for the cross dressing issue which has not been discussed for more than thirty years, we are happy and get a long fine. As others have recommended I also suggest marital counseling with a gender therapist, so your wife will hopefully come to realize there is really nothing wrong with you. It can work as long as mutually acceptable boundaries and negotiated and adhered to by both husband and wife. Any changes should not be made unilaterally. Perhaps your wife see the end game as participating in something she does want any part of. Those limitations need to be respected. Do not do any "It's my way or the highway."

If you decide to go cold turkey and stop wearing women's clothing will that alter YOUR state of mind to the extent of causing peril to your marriage. Will you become resentful toward your wife? Will you become hostile? Or distant? Those changes will not make your wife any happier too.

[Alice Torn]

Patricia, Thank you for sharing your thread. We, who have this "thing", and desire to dress up, have difficulties the "normy" men cannot fathom, and 99% of women cannot understand, and it is very lonely, and stressful at times. I never got to have a wife, and every woman i mentioned my dressing to, was very offended by it and against it. As difficult as it is to put it in a box or bag, and abstain, your commitment to your spouse is much more important, as wedding vows were made, and if she will go to a therapist with you, or have an understanding with you, and agree to tolerate a DADT , or better agreement, that may be best. A loving wife, even though she may never understand your CDing, is more important than dressing. It may take a lot of soul searching, and communication. Maybe a heartfelt letter to her, assuring you love her and never want to hurt her, and are there for her no matter what, and are committed to the marriage with her, but admitting you have had this desire to dress a long time, and it does not go completely away, no matter what. And telling her, everyone has something in their life that they struggle with. Just my thoughts.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Aunt Kelly;

That's one of the best descriptions of how genetics works within and without our community.

[Rachael Leigh]

Let me tell you from experience your wife is way more important then the clothes if you truly love her.
Ditch the clothes and find other ways to express this side of you

[char GG]

Alice Torn,
Your post was one of the sweetest and most well written that I have seen on this subject. Lots of good advice and thoughts.

[Sarah Doepner]

It will take effort for you to have it all. Because that's what you are asking for, you need the love in your relationship with your wife and you need the validation for your feminine side from your crossdressing. It's not going to fall into your lap, you will have to be active in finding the solution. Communication with your wife is critical and understanding yourself is necessary so you can tell her what you need with clarity. So yes, you need to work with a good counselor so you better understand your needs vs. wants. And if you expect her to change, you need to show ( not just tell ) your wife how important she is in your life. Change is difficult and there probably needs to be change on both sides.

[Tracii G]

Stop playing the victim and do the right thing for your marriage.
Its not "all about you" you two are a couple.
Reverse the roles and tell me how would you feel if your wife wanted to be more like a guy?

Disclaimer:
If my comments seem harsh they are not given in that vein.
Being honest IS support please remember that.

[Lygophilia]

Bah, I see no problem with being a little selfish. Submitting to other people is alot more miserable from my experience. It's not worth the relationship if she's worried about something so trivial.

[docrobbysherry]

Patricia, most here wish they had been born women. That would have made life easier for all of us! But, it didn't happen. So, we crossdress instead. It's who we r and what we do. And, if we couldn't do it we'd be miserable. Or, even worse!:doh:

U can try to put this part of u away, locked up somewhere inside. But, that hasn't worked for the rest of us. So, good luck!
Marriage requires compromises. Your dressing will be just one of many u 2 will have to agree to, to remain together happily!:thumbsup:

[Diane Taylor]

Locking Patricia away would only cause you more stress so please let Patricia BREATHE and LIVE. If you try to rid yourself of her you'll be miserable and I'm just about 100% positive you'll eventually bring her back. You say that it's your fault.....I couldn't disagree more. It's no one's fault that you crossdress but it's the fault of others that we are not accepted for who we are. Sure....life might be easier if we didn't crossdress, but it would also be a lot easier if others accepted us.

[DaisyLawrence]

Let me tell you from experience your wife is way more important then the clothes if you truly love her.
Ditch the clothes and find other ways to express this side of you

Ah now there we have it, good advise. If you love your wife then you have to at least try, making her happy should, by implication, make you happy. As Rachael says, find other ways to express your femininity, there are many.

[Alice Torn]

charGG. Much obliged. I cannot truly understand, though, as i have never been married. Just saying that i write far better than i can speak, and maybe a letter from the heart nd deep honesty might help her be more tolerant to his dressing, if he keeps it not in her face. I hope she will see your point of view, and learn to be more tolerant. It has to be very tough.

[Teresa]

Patricia,
Most of us are born with this mis-wiring if you like , there is nothing we can do about it , so do we accept it as is or do we try and bury it ? So the question is if we need to bury it what is so bad about the trait we live with , what is so bad about having to wear something that western society tells us is so wrong ? We are often harnessed in a male straight jacket women aren't so usually steroetyped , thankfully the World is changing and fairly quickly now , but the personal image of being a normal boy growing to be a normal man who will go on to do the right thing by getting married and having a family to play the expected father figure hasn't changed so quickly . The lucky ones do find it can work hand in hand with the right partner but the majority find they have to live a compromised lifestyle to appease everyone else and end up living a double life . Some say they can put all this to one side , the ones who can do that have the problems of it ebbing and flowing often not surfacing for weeks, months or even years . Others like me have the gut feeling 24/7 something isn't quiet right and try as much as you can you gradually function less and less well with time . Nothing can stop that spiral until you take it in your own hands and have to sadly ignore the wife /partner . We go through the guilt of that apparent selfish act along with the rest of what CDing does to us , I nearly ended my life through it so I knew I had to come first . Counslling had to happen whether my wifeliked the idea or not , the fact is she didn't so that aspect made life harder with no where to go with the outcome . I have to admit separation had to happen but the outcome is my wife and I are happier than we were together , everyone knows about me so there's no hiding , the World hasn't ended and I still have contact with my children and grandchildren .

I'm sure like most you will do your best , most of us are very caring thoughtful people , we don 't want to hurt or harm anyone and yet through that we hurt so much inside . You are also a human being as well as a husband and possibly a father you are entitled to your own personal happiness as well , it's not being selfish it's just being realistic .

[Alice Torn]

Teresa, I aagree with you about society expecting men to always be a certain way, and they are "straight jacketed" emotionally and psychically to be in the "man box". If the wife is simply adamant and harsh all the time, about the man's desire to once in awhile dress up, like in your case, separation may be the best for both. And try to stay friends.[ somehow.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Patricia :hugs:, It is what I cal Having the Best of Both Worlds. >Orchid ..+:daydreaming:+..

[Patricia_Campi]

Girls, thank you all for your answers and your support.

Despite my liking to dress, I don´t want to become a woman full time. Let me explain one thing, my wife is a wonderful person. She tried to understand my dressing, we talked, but I believe in her she say it is hard. I have been in therapy (before I became married). Think about soul mates. That´s how we are.

Tracii, I totally agree with you and I had put myself in that situation. It is not a thing I would like (and you weren´t harsh). I would have problems to accept it either.

Just in a crossroad and don´t know where to go now and at the same time just sad I was born lik this. :(

[Tracii G]

Thanks for understanding that I was being honest and not harsh.
I never try to be harsh just try to be up front and honest. Kind of a tough love thing.

[suzanne]

Life is so much more uncomplicated being cisgender. But having seen myself in a dress, and knowing the feelings of liberation and empowerment I get when I step outside my door wearing a well put together outfit and killer heels, I refuse to go back. This may be a patriarchal society, but it's still better to be female, in spite of all the obstacles and indignities a women faces today. In My Humble Opinion.

Your results may vary. But the good news is you can choose how you live your life, even to the point of dressing as little or as much as your urges drive you. And no one can make you feel bad about it unless you let them.

[Crissy 107]

Patricia, You can certainly try to lock Patricia away but I feel very certain in the long run it will not work. I tried very hard to suppress this side of me for way too long but it did not work. I know for sure I am not the only member here to try and do that. I guess it could make life easier but too bad on that. We all need to eventually just accept that we are at the very least cross dressers. Once you accept that your life will be happier. I cannot ever imagine this side of me going away.
Life is full of compromises and finding the level of what we enjoy and what both of you can accept will be the difficult part.
I wish both of you good luck finding happiness.
Crissy

[Aunt Kelly]

Stop playing the victim and do the right thing for your marriage.
Its not "all about you" you two are a couple.
Reverse the roles and tell me how would you feel if your wife wanted to be more like a guy?


Your suggestion implies that you believe that there is a choice here. There is, but it's not without consequences. First of all, most of us simply can not "choose" to no longer by TG. This forum is littered with the tragic stories of those who believed otherwise. To suggest that it is possible to change something like this is folly.
Now, it is possible to change behavior, for a time. The length of that time is highly variable, but again, most of us will not be able to keep up the pretense indefinitely. While we do keep it up, there is a price to pay. The stress of suppressing our nature, and the guilt when we fall off the masculinity wagon, all take their toll.

If the roles were reversed? I love my wife, and can honestly say that I would do everything in my power to understand and support her in dealing with something that she did not choose but must still find a way to live with. That's the promise we make when taking a spouse. By the same token, I have the right to honesty and communication. No partner can deal effectively with something like that without communication, much less when the thing is hidden and denied.

Again, I'll point out the string of relationship train-wrecks recounted here. Honesty doesn't always result in a happy ending, but every one of the happy endings involves a couple who communicate honestly and openly.

[Tracii G]

So Kelly you are suggesting to not be honest?
By the way I am TG and out.

[Patricia_Campi]

Hello Girls, let me give you some more information.

I am unemployed at the moment due to brazilian economic crisis. I am working as a realtor, but this is not what I would like to do at this time, but it is paying the bills. This is making me sad too, so it is one more ingredient to the emotional sauce.

I have never had the chance to fully dress, and this is also causes a little bit of sadness in me. If I buy some shoes, there is that disapproval look. If it is clothes, the look is even worse. It is not an angry look, it is a sad look, like I am not the person she married with. This sadness is the same for anything girly. The point here is that I know that my crossdressing is what brings her that sadness.

That´s where I am now and that´s why I am thinking about all of this.

Thanks for all you answers.

Patricia

[Shayla]

Hi Patricia,

I understand your situation, my wife feels the same as yours. We are currently separated but I understand your wanting to make the marriage great for her. I can say from experience that the need to dress may go away for periods of time and you are capable of pushing the desire away, but it never truly goes away for very long and what will you be like as a person and a husband if you are constantly fighting your needs? Even one or two visits to a trained gender counselor where you are both honest and open could do enough to give you some breathing space to take care of your needs without causing your wife to be afraid of it.

[rian]

My advise is to keep your crossdressing or else you will be very unstable and sad / try to convince your wife that being happy is two way street ...to both of you ....try to tell her to keep your identity to yourself ,,to me I reached a blockage when my wife knew about my crossdressing yet it took me two years to convince her that this make me happy yet we agreed to keep every thing but not to dress infront of her ...now Im enjoying my crossdressing so much in my privacy ....

[phili]

In my experience it is not crossdressing that weighs too much, it is the pain of not sharing that weighs too much.

My wife, and many wives, express the same range from anger to the underlying pain and sadness of loss. None of us wants that for them. Yet we are also in intense pain and loss.

The marriage vow is to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, so we have to keep asking for that. I am making another run today to state the simple facts and try to build bridges to her own understanding of herself, her own sense of privilege {she said she is the only one who gets to wear a nightgown!}- a lot of the resistance is from dreams about Prince Charming that wives don't want to give up- but the reality is that people are more complex than we are taught in these dreams. Women and men grow up with the idea that if they play their role they will get certain things in return, and so they understandably feel cheated if the person they marry doesn't play by those rules. Adulterers are an example, or people who marry for money.

But in our case, it turns out we are not cheating, we are simply wired differently and we don't understand it or even know th extent of it. That makes it more like a sickness, with respect to the marriage vow, in the sense of it being out of our control. Which to me falls squarely in the 'we have to deal with it together' category!

The reverse example might be that your wife had to have a hysterectomy and double mastectomy and then lost all her hair, on the day after your wedding. Would she expect you to be angry and sad about your loss, and withdraw from her? Did you marry her female image, or her?

[char GG]

From Phili

The reverse example might be that your wife had to have a hysterectomy and double mastectomy and then lost all her hair, on the day after your wedding. Would she expect you to be angry and sad about your loss, and withdraw from her? Did you marry her female image, or her?

I understand what point you are trying to make but this is kind of an unfair comparison. The scenario you outlined is not a choice (I know, you claim CDing is not a choice) but usually due to cancer or a disease. Typically if someone is getting married, the partner would know before the wedding that "the day after the wedding" that these outcomes are a possibility. It would be wrong of the woman to withhold a potential life changing diagnosis from her future husband.

As people age, their looks will change and that is all to be expected. Illness, injuries, and disease, though not always expected, is a distinct possibility.

In my opinion, being "wired differently" should be disclosed before marriage. Everyone should be allowed to enter into a contract with all the information available.

[kimdl93]

Much as I might wish it were otherwise, I find I have to agree with the full disclosure before marriage as the ideal condition. Even full disclosure of curiosity or uncertainties. I’ll acknowledge from personal experience that it’s incredibly difficult for a young adult...or even a mature and experienced adult to know what merits disclosure. It’s even more difficult to predict changes in such interests or desires into the future.

I did make an effort at disclosure, and made predictions of future interest based on my understanding at the time. Maybe my self awareness was inadequate or I was practicing self deceit. Maybe I discovered interests over the course of time that altered my perception of self. Maybe I suffered/suffer from some sort of disorder that influenced my behavior. And maybe the cumulative effects of my changes, behaviors and the comparable factors altered and irreparably damaged the chemistry of the relationship. Regardless, I cannot begrudge my ex for no longer finding me a satisfactory partner. Of course I wished it were otherwise, but then, I also wish for world peace

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Patricia, I have no advice for you, beyond what others have already said. All I can say is that you have many, many people here who care about you. Please keep writing and reading here, and take comfort in knowing you are not alone.

Hugs, Nikki

[Patricia_Campi]

Hello Girls,

I agree that I should have told my wife before the wedding, but let´s say that I didn´t have all the information at the time as I have now. Or, I was not wise as I am now (as little as my "wiseness" is). That ship has sailed. This is my situation at the moment. I regret some of my old decisions but they were the best I could take with the information I had at the time.

Would I do a lot of things different? Of course I would! But the past is the past and the present is where I am, struggling with the consequences of my decisions.

kisses

Patricia

[Teresa]

Patricia,
Show me someone who doesn't have regrets in their lives , as I've said before we assume our partners are totally honest with us before we marry ? I'm sorry to say this but they aren't !

[Kandi Robbins]

We ALL have been there, all have had the same feelings. You are just another of us fighting with all of this (not meant to slight you, but to illustrate it's not just you).

I wish I had sage advice, our personal circumstances dictate so much in our lives. But I can assure you of one thing based on your post, treasure your wife and seek other outlets. But remember, it's NOT your fault. Yes, it is you, but we were generally born this way. It is impossible to deny these feelings, the trick is how we are able to manage them. I know this is little solace, but the fact that you acknowledge the existence of the feelings (many, like myself, denied them, further worsening the situation), may help you seek a solution.

Best of luck!

[DaisyLawrence]

Patricia,
Show me someone who doesn't have regrets in their lives , as I've said before we assume our partners are totally honest with us before we marry ? I'm sorry to say this but they aren't !

Your honour I object, the witness is just generalising. I have no regrets in life and both myself and my wife were totally honest with each other before our marraige and have been ever since. The witness should not apply their own failings to the population as a whole as if it were fact.
Objection sustained.

Joking aside, has it ever occurred to you that some people are honest and have no secrets?

[Jane G]

Just be who you are, if you can? That way leads to a long a happy life.

[Patricia_Campi]

Hello girls,

Thank you for for all the answers and insights. And, don´t take me wrong but I already tried all the approaches.

I tried to be honest telling her about my crossdressing (my only mistake, maybe, was doing it after we were married). I tried to be myself but I didn´t help either. None of these have worked for me, despite the love we feel for each other. I believe my mistake was to believe the love would change a person to the point of accept the crossdressing. How naive I was.

That is why I wrote this thread, because I have no other idea on how to address this anymore. My only idea is to take a step back and lock Patricia and see how it goes. If I can´t hold her locked, then let´s see what can be done, but at least I hope to breathe a little and bring a little bit of happiness to my life, instead of only sadness.

That´s how I feel right now..

Kisses

Patricia

[phili]

Patricia,
I am, and I suspect many of us are, in exactly the same situation, trying all the logical approaches and failing. Locking away our femininity simply does not work, as we know from everything in our lives.

I am an idealist, and an optimist, and I simply refuse to give up. The paralysis is exhausting, but I learned a long time ago that there is always another thing to try, and that all of us are changing through time inescapably.

Yesterday I took a walk with my wife, and I explained the facts about me, the certainties, the uncertainties, the dreams, the fears. I acknowledged right up front that on the face of it, a man wearing clothes made for women seems odd, unnecessary, distorted, etc. That to a degree the world was supposed to simply be an equal division of
pleasures and powers between men and women. As it turned out, she misheard me. She was elated I was giving up crossdressing because I said that clothing was theoretically not necessary, completely missing the rest of the sentence saying " but,it is necessary for me." And I simply identify with women more than men. Can that be changed? I don't know. In the near term crossdressing is what works to feel good about myself. "

After her angry withdrawal because I crossdressed again, I came back to say, let me tell you again the facts about me. I did not give them up or go into codependence with her demand for me not to be who I am so she can be more comfortable. We debated briefly whether loving someone leads to wanting the best for them, and to understanding life from their point of view. She said she was perfectly fine loving me but not my behavior, citing a 2 year old hitting their sibling, or a murderer. I said crossdressing is not a behavior that hurts others, unless she meant hurts by being embarrassing to others, at which point she could admit finally that her concern was being seen with someone who looked so out of line. What would happen to her social status? She said she couldn't defend me. I said she could simply answer "Why not?" and leave the answer to the critics.

Then she said she hated being the kind of person who was so selfish that she was insisting on having her way at my expense.

I count that progress. She can clearly see that she is doing what she would not want me to do. She is torn between fear for herself and the desire to be a good person. She excused herself citing our counselor's description of the unthinking reptilian brain which intervenes and blows all logic out the window when aroused.

I said, this is exactly the kind of feelings that racists have- they are afraid, they want to keep away from or destroy the imaginary people they are afraid of. But we know it all dissolves when that feared person comes and ministers to you when you are injured.

This morning I said I needed to enjoy my dressing and would not sit in bed and read with her since it upset her. I am not giving up or going away. I said, I love you and am never leaving you. If you don't love me you really should leave me. She said I do love you.

The main myth that is now dead is that she as the woman is somehow primary and my job as the man is to work around her wishes. Neither of us should try to control each other's lives to suit our preferences. We are equal partners in this journey, and we have to paddle the canoe in sync.

[CherylFlint]

Been there; done that.
Purged and regretted it for evermore.
The lesson here is don't fight it: it's who and what you are.
The way I think about it is maybe my "X" and "Y" chromosomes didn'y line-up the way others do, so what?
I feel good wearing a slip.
I say go for it, it'll be the most fun you've ever had.
I dress to relax, and I say you should too.
Good luck. Look, we've all been down that road; it's no big deal. There's nothing "wrong" with being
a CD. Have fun, Patricia, after all, it's what it's all about.