Told my daughter, Mistake or?

[Judy-Somthing]

Wife has been very angry with me since she basically found out two years ago that she married a cross-dresser.
So arguments about anything since then have always lasted over a week.

Today my daughter said she hated that mom was always mad.
My wife told her that dad has allot more issues than she knows about.

Well my daughter came down stairs crying and asked why moms so mad all the time.

I said "I don't know if I should tell you but I crossed-dressed a bunch of times over the years and mom found out and it sickens her".
My daughter said "I don't see what the big deal is?"

I feel bad that my daughter's taking it pretty bad that my wife won't except me.
Wife said I'm a deceiving, lying, ******************!

I hope telling my daughter wasn't a mistake.

Isn't life as a crossed-dressed FUN?

I think I better PURGE before my stash puts another nail in my coffin!
Wish me luck.

[Sara Jessica]

Wow, sounds as if you thought that one through.

Out of curiosity, how old is your daughter?

[Lindajane]

My wife hates it also. Wish i had the courage to tell my teens about my skeletons. Believe me, my love for dressing is just the icing on the meatloaf...

[Judy-Somthing]

My daughter is 23. I told her not to tell anyone and the first thing she did was tell my son.
He said "LOL it's not something I'm into but I don't care!"

This should be interesting.

[Gillian Gigs]

Quote, " Wife said I'm a deceiving, lying, ******************!"
Quote, " I think I better PURGE before my stash puts another nail in my coffin!"

I think that all the nails are already in place, she is just waiting to put you into the coffin and close the lid! You may purge, but the itch will probably come back with a vengeance, just like it has in the past. I don't envy your position having to choose between your marriage and CD'ing. The choosing will not be easy, all you have to do is ask yourself who wins the battles in your household and will the next time be any different!

[KristinaK]

I would suggest finding a counselor to speak with for you and your wife and maybe one for yourself alone. I did this myself to help myself with issues of shame and guilt about my dressing. The couples counseling to help my wife and I work through several issues including my CDing. It has helped tremendously.

[DaisyLawrence]

Bottom line is that your marraige is over, you just haven't accepted it yet. Your lovely wife will blame the crossdressinmg as they always do but it's over anyway, crossdressing is just the excuse she needs to transfer blame. Move on.

[SamanthaToday]

First off, im so sorry for what you are going through.

This from your daughter was the best thing to come out of it,, "My daughter said "I don't see what the big deal is?""

Asking your daughter not to tell your Son, well good luck with that.

For me if I lost my wife but at least had my kids that would be good enough for me.

Having your daughter on your side will be bigger than you can imagine.

Good Luck.

[susan54]

I don't think it is the place of anyone on this site to tell someone their marriage is over. You don't know this. Yes, his wife is mad at him, but about deception rather than cross-dressing. Being mad at a partner happens in most relationships and most people get over it. If you feel that intervention is justified, then be constructive, not judgemental. I have had someone interfere in one of my relationships and I have never forgiven the interferer. I don't blame the interferer for what happened next - my partner made her own decisions (nothing to do with the cross-dressing, which she knew about) but interference in other relationships is wrong, with the exception of a relationship that is abusive.

[Kiwi Primrose]

The next problem could be your wife thinking the three of you are against her. You need outside help.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

interference in other relationships is wrong, with the exception of a relationship that is abusive.

I'm not so sure - and define interference. Sometimes it can be helpful to see things through another person's eyes. The key is in whether or not there is a hidden agenda.

When someone writes on this forum, they are effectively inviting opinion. Some feedback is useful, some isn't, but getting our feelings off our chests is the forum's main purpose. Sifting through what we read, deciding what to ignore or to heed, is the whole point.

[DaisyLawrence]

Well said Nikki. I assume susan54 was addressing her criticism at me and my post. This is not interference but an observation from an outsider looking in. I draw my conclusion from the myriad of posts that Judy has made regarding her wife, especially the recent ones. Don't forget that since telling her wife two years ago about her cross-dressing she did not cross-dress at all until recently and has since done so in secret and yet the hostility has grown enormously over the last few weeks and months (assuming Judy's posts are accurate). For someone who had a complaint 2 years ago and who seemingly won the argument and got their way ever since, Judy's wife should not be behaving as she is. It seems to me that this marraige is in terminal decline and that obeservation may be helpful to Judy. I may be wrong and she may well choose to ingnore my opinion but never the less it is an honest conclusion drawn and offered so that it may be helpful. If you want to live in a fantasy world where help is only given if it is positive and withdrawn if it is negative then I suggest you join the fairy and unicorn lovers forum where everything in life is flowery and cute and everyone lives happily ever after.

[Rachelakld]

Of my 4 daughters (3 oldest are step daughters), they all tell mum to chill/relax it's not a big deal.
Luckily my wife doesn't mind, so long as it's not in the local area.

My wife's first husband was abusive, she likes having a more empathetic husband.
I think your kids will help you, maybe persuade mum to live in the new century.

If you purge, become the "man" of the house, control all the finances, make all the decisions, take up golf and drinking for many hours each weekend, and if wife doesn't like it, just tell her your "the man" of the house and in charge.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Judy

I know you are in a difficult pace right now. Firstly the good news is you don't have to worry about your son or daughter. Now they know and don't have an issue with your dressing.

I don't think it was a mistake because you were being honest and your wife can not threaten to tell them.

I would suggest you ask the kids not to get involved but be honest if your wife asks them.

You might need professional help to get through this with your wife.

I disagree with Daisy about the marriage being over.

You think your marriage is worth fighting for and that's all that matters.

[DaisyLawrence]

I disagree with Daisy about the marriage being over.

Good. I hope you are right and I am wrong. I base my assumption on all Judy's recent posts and in particular on Judy's recent thread about why people hate crossdressing so much. In this thread she appeared to state (or at least infur) that her wife was ending 39 years of marraige because of it. My and your opinion matter little in this respect, the one that does is Judy's wife. So, Judy, I guess the question is, does your wife think your marraige is over? Yes/no, nothing cryptic this time.

[Connie D50]

Or maybe move on sounds to me based on the post I have read. That she isn't getting over this anytime soon or ever.

[kimdl93]

I won’t predict the future. My perspective is skewed by my own experience. What I will suggest is that you and your wife sit down and talk this through....with a mediator or therapist. The goal may not be acceptance or understanding. It may be to enable your wife to face the circumstances without having anger spill over into other aspects of her life and relationships.

[alwayshave]

Judy, if she has been using this as a threat you may have defused it, but you may have made it worse as your wife may think her ability to control you is slipping away. Only time will tell.

[Shely]

Judy, I hope this works out to your advantage in the long run. I wish I had the nerve to tell my grown daughters, but alas I don't. an open and honest relationship is always the best defense but sometimes risky. I have thought often about telling them and getting this thing out in the open, at least a little. My wife's attitude on DATD, not in my sight, is the best I can hope for right now. But my desire to dress is growing more and more. I went to the mall dressed yesterday for the 4th time. she would probably explode if she new. Hugg's

[Beverley Sims]

From your daughter's reply and the understanding of the younger generation I think you may have done well.

Just see and don't push it or PURGE either.

[Julie Martin]

Judy, I agree with Kristina K, a good counselor could be of great help in your current situation. We may all have opinions, but unless we are trained counselors with a lot of experience, it's all pretty much shoot-from-the -hip armchair quarterbacking, and worth what you pay for it, like all advice..

It's a very difficult place to be in, one most of us either fear, if it hasn't happened, or wrestle with if it has. For myself, I will never share this with anyone and don't feel the need to..I keep all of my Julie things an hour away in storage..but then I can go months at a time not dressing and be OK with that. But many close calls in the past when I did keep the girl stuff hidden at home taught me that the potential carnage in my life if discovered was not worth the risk, or the pleasure if I fully indulged my desire to dress.
I have often wondered what I would do if discovered..knowing that the desire to CD will never truly go away, and can only be managed to a degree..and everyone is different in this regard..

Hopefully you can do some soul searching, find a counselor and get your wife to buy in, and explore together what is possible..best of luck to you both

[Sara Jessica]

I base my assumption on all Judy's recent posts and in particular on Judy's recent thread about why people hate crossdressing so much. In this thread she appeared to state (or at least infur) that her wife was ending 39 years of marraige because of it.

I have been kind of thinking the same thing. Judy's posts have been very telling.

Judy, I am of the opinion that the situation has been untenable for a long time. As in, do something about it or accept your fate and stop complaining. Unless complaining is a form of catharsis that helps you cope in which case we're all ears. Sounds harsh but I cannot think of another way to put it but there has been a consistency in your words that cannot be ignored. You are in a situation that I cannot even begin to fathom and therefore I am absolutely unqualified to offer reasonable advice as to how to see it to a positive conclusion.

And I still believe you told your daughter for the wrong reason at the wrong time. That should have been thought through more to help ensure a more positive outcome.

[Teresa]

Judy,
PLEASE, PLEASE !! Don't purge it's admitting you are the guilty party , you may or may not have done the right thing but stop feeling guilty and taking drastic steps it won't make any difference to how your wife feels or does !

I've been in this situation and you are heading in the right direction although you can't see it yet , you are finally being honest with yourself and accepting it by telling your daughter . I said on many occasions you won't stop so you have to find ways to work round your wife , it's not your problem it's hers for being so inflexible .

Your daughter is 23 , mine is in her 40s now so we have to accept she's an adult and makes adult decisions she is furious with my wife over her treatment of me , she has seen me dressed and so has her husband and little girl , they don't have a problem but my wife is trying to stop it happening , my daughter told her to mind her own business . CDing is not the core of the problem , losing control is the basic problem your wife has the same problem she is a contol freak just like mine !

The one problem is your daughter is stuck in the middle of an awkward situation but don't feel you are the guilty party it takes two for this situation to happen , I can tell you now you this is the point when you have to decide who comes first , at least you have an ally but don't overplay that card .

The other point you have to decide is where you are on the TG road , you keep saying you are just a CDer but I feel there is more to it, you've done it for so many years and whatever label you use it isn't going away . At this stage telling your wife all the clothing has gone and promising her you will never dress again isn't going to make any difference , believe me the damage is done , you can't wind the clock back .

I know I'm speaking from my own experience but look back through my archives and you will see a very familiar pattern , please PM me if you do want to talk more .

Do we ask about a marriage being over or do we talk about a person's personal happiness , sadly the two don't always go together, I'm happier and so is my wife , OK I now admit my wife now appears to be realising the mistakes she's made and what she has lost judging by her last Email . Some keep pushing counselling but it only works if both parties participate , I would return home and try and talk to a brick wall. I had no where to go with the outcome of my counselling and yet I was the one with a problem that needed to be fixed ! I feel my wife was naive enough to think counselling was a cure , if we'd done it jointly the outcome may have been different .

The main advice I can give is that you are going to have to become stronger , your wife is a bully we know that from many previous threads of yours , she won't stop until you find ways to stop her . I won't go into too much detail but things can turn very nasty at times if you don't take action soon , everyone has a breaking point , it can go several ways , you may either have a total breakdown and even consider taking your own life (as I did !) or you may flip and become violent . The one thing I really hate my wife for now is she drove me to that situation she changed me as a person , she turned me into something I wasn't , I can tell you it isn't a nice feeling . Thankfully I'm gradually getting her out of my system but 44 year's worth is going to take some time . I don't mind being honest because if I can stop one member here going through the same situation I will have done some good !

[Rhonda Jean]

Yes, his wife is mad at him, but about deception rather than cross-dressing..

This is a common theme that I think is dead wrong. We can only judge based on our own experiences, but in my case there was NO deception and it was 100% about the crossdressing! I think in Judy's case it's 100% about the crossdressing. Her wife HATES it. It disgusts her on a visceral level, and she find Judy disgusting because she does it. Yes, I'm projecting just a little.

I have to agree with Sara and Daisy. This is horrible. Purging won't matter one little bit. The level of hatred and disgust that some people have with crossdressers is something we cannot comprehend.

[Teresa]

Shely,
You can believe me they do explode , I've had two recent explosions even being separated , All to do with being control freaks and not so much the CDing issue , I'm sure you will see this an many cases .

[char GG]

Hi Judy,
Since you asked, it’s your right to tell your adult daughter what you want. Probably wasn’t a good idea to ask her to keep it a secret which was evident by her telling her brother.

Your wife may be furious that the kids know but sounds like she is furious anyway. That said, it sounds like she may be suffering as much as you are but for different reasons. Nothing good can happen with so much anger going on.

Others have suggested therapy. If both of you want to save the marriage, it sounds like a good idea. Both of you need an open mind to achieve any positive results.

My SO and I separated for a short time before things settled down and we realized that the real issue wasn’t CDing but behavior while CDed. My SO did some minor modifications as did I and we now have an great relationship.

Anyway, best of luck to you both.

[Alice B]

Purging will not solve anything. Need to talk yo wife about counciling.

[Jenny22]

Judy, do you really love your wife at this stage of your life? Seriously! Be honest, Judy. Is her constant anger something you can live with for the rest of your life? You have some giant decisions to make.

Char GG mentioned that she and her CDing SO separated for a while, and they worked things out a bit. If you are financially able to separate for a period of time to really and deeply consider your future (you only live once!), you might consider doing so. During that time apart, if any positive progress is being made between you two, then consider appropriate GD counseling, separately and then together.

But such a step, to be sure, relates back to my opening question .. do you truly love your wife (I wonder if she truly loves you). Just saying.

[char GG]

Hi Judy,
Just chiming in once more.

Not sure what your situation is regarding employment. If both of you have self sustaining jobs, this post is probably not relevant. If your wife depends on you for her livelihood, her anger may be out of fear of the unknown. Since she only found out a couple years ago, not sure how much communication and/or education she has sought about CDers.

I just feel there must be a component of fear for her to be so angry. If you or a therapist could find the root cause of her discomfort, maybe you could achieve some level of compromise.

[Gillian Gigs]

Quote, "Wife has been very angry with me since she basically found out two years ago that she married a cross-dresser. So arguments about anything since then have always lasted over a week."

You have said that your wife is very angry. Anger is an emotion, and is the result of another issue, obviously. Somebody is not angry, because they are angry, they are angry because of things like rejection, abandonment, loss of control, shame, etc. You need to get to the bottom of the issue and find out exactly what is causing the anger. You and many of us here are assuming it is the result of your CD'ing, but it could be for another reason, or reasons. That is why seeing a trained counsellor would help to get to the bottom of the issue. Let's face it, through many of your posts, many of us get the feeling that your wife rules the roost, maybe she doesn't like you doing things beyond her control. It's only a matter of time before this blows up again, wouldn't it better if things happened before it gets messier.

[Teresa]

Gillian,
Been there and lived through that one . Sometimes you have to call it a day , maybe stand back and take a good look at the marriage aside from the CDing , which also means putting aside you own guilt feelings . I had other issues which were festering I can't say with certainty but I do wonder if my wife only used the Cding aspect as a final excuse . We all know when the kids fly the roost they leave a vacuum , often couples can't fill that one living together , I became the scape goat for so many issues Cding was possibly the straw that broke the camel's back !!

Telling people whether family or friends and in my case making use of pictures was just a desperate attempt to come out , I knew it had to happen . That has come round and now bitten me but it's now too late to make any difference , was I fair , was I selfish or was I so desperate I didn't care ? I gave my wife the chances to be there so we could try and work through it but she wouldn't let it happen and I can't see it working in Judy's case . The timescale is really irrelevent two years or twenty the damage is done and there is no way back .

It reminds me of a wedding I photographed where the brides parents gave me some abuse over the pictures , the bottom line was they didn't like who their daughter had married and I'd produced the evidence , everytime they looked at the pictures they became angrier , after six months the couple split up anyway . I can't help feeling Judy's wife now feels the same way, when she sees Judy because she possibly has the vision of her being dressed . Purging will make no difference because the problem hasn't gone away Judy's wife isn't stupid she's fully aware of that fact . I still can't see counselling doing any more good than it did for me because she will put up the same brick wall , she isn't the one broken so doesn't need fixing .

[KymG]

I would try and look at it this way,
You no longer have to worry about them finding out, nor can your wife use it against you by threatening to tell them.

[Judy-Somthing]

It's been a little over two weeks since I told my 23 year old daughter and 26 year old son were told and so far the inter action with son and daughter are the same as they've always been.
The only time they've ever seen me dressed was years ago on Halloweens but, so far so good.
I don't know if it's because my kids know and told my wife "it's no big deal" but the SO has been nice lately.

She hasn't asked if I'm still dressing, I think she's afraid to know the answer. I'm afraid to her tell to what extent I dress to because when she's mad she does her best to punish me!
I was on the coach for almost two weeks.

[Leslie Langford]

Quote, " Wife said I'm a deceiving, lying, ******************!"
Quote, " I think I better PURGE before my stash puts another nail in my coffin!"

I think that all the nails are already in place, she is just waiting to put you into the coffin and close the lid! You may purge, but the itch will probably come back with a vengeance, just like it has in the past. I don't envy your position having to choose between your marriage and CD'ing. The choosing will not be easy, all you have to do is ask yourself who wins the battles in your household and will the next time be any different!

I disagree, Gillian. Hearing what has now transpired with both Judy's daughter and son, the choosing now should be extremely easy. Clearly, Judy's wife is now the "odd person out" in the family with respect to her deep hostility towards her crossdressing, and the abuse that she has heaped on her over the years due to it.

I had a similar epiphany not so long ago. Both my adult children know that I crossdress, and they each found out separately some years ago under less-than-ideal circumstances....namely my wife "outed" me to them as a revenge/control tactic in the course of two of many particularly nasty fights that had taken place between the two of us over the years and which had started to spin out of control at the time. Much to her chagrin, both kids took this news in stride with a "Yes, and...?" attitude in their response, and the topic was never brought up with them again. Furthermore, this "revelation" did not change my relationship with them one iota...I was then - and still am - their Dad. Period.

A few months ago, tensions arose again in our family when my wife and I were not on speaking terms for a certain period of time for unrelated reasons, and that had spilled over into causing our kids undue stress due to the prevailing foul mood in our house. In the course of a "hashing-it-out" session involving my daughter, my wife, and myself, my daughter - knowing how controlling and obstinate my wife can be - suddenly blurted out a statement to the effect of "...and why are you giving Dad such a hard time over this crossdressing thing? It's 2018. Nobody cares!" Coming out of the blue like that, it left me momentarily speechless, and we quickly moved onto other subjects rather than picking up on that point and delving into it further. In other words, a situation very analogous to Judy's.

It did, however, serve to remove any last vestige of guilt and shame that my wife had tried to instill in me over the years due to my crossdressing, and which I had already begun shaking off on my own. It also helped me come to the realization...belatedly, unfortunately, after all these years...that the REAL issue here was not so much my crossdressing, but rather my wife's innate controlling nature which tolerates no deviation from the norm along with her own rigid worldview and sense of right and wrong. In many ways, the crossdressing was just a lightning rod, (or smokescreen, if you will), to her. In short, while we may still practice DADT on the surface as a way of keeping the (sometimes fragile) peace between us, I will not allow that to interfere with my crossdressing beyond that.

More to the point - I will NOT be bullied into either giving up my crossdressing or embarking on a purge. Any decluttering or disposing of any unneeded/unwanted items of my female clothing (mainly to make room for new items) will be my decision and my decision alone. As for a complete purge at some point...no way, no how as long as I have anything to do with it, as we all know how well that works in the long run. No, that final purge only ever gets done on my behalf by someone else, and only once I am six feet under.

Take heed, Judy...your daughter and son have now handed you a golden opportunity to stand your ground vis-a-vis your wife over her out-dated views on crossdressing, and she has effectively become isolated from the rest of your family in this regard. Seize the moment, stand your ground, take inspiration from the brave ladies of the #metoo movement, and be like Peter Finch's character in the movie Network of some years ago who - in a moment of sheer frustration over the way his life and career were going - flung open his window and shouted out to the world at large "I'm mad as h*ll, and I am not going to take this anymore...!"

[Stephanie47]

Perhaps you need to purge something other than your clothes. I hope your daughter and son tell your wife they know and don't care. Perhaps that was a big issue in her mind. I would suggest accelerating the nail in the coffin by wearing a pretty outfit this Halloween when handing out candy to the neighborhood kids. Maybe your wife would stroke out. Of all the marriages and strife posted on this site for all the years I've been here, your situation is the worst I've ever read. All the other bad marriages have ended with divorce or separation, and, people (husband and wife) had a chance to go on with life.

Don't purge all your lovely dresses.

PS: I had to add a post script. One of the things I have not read in any of your posts is any effort by you to directly push your cross dressing in her face; an attitude of intentionally displaying your feminine self with a "take it or leave" as you sit in a dress watching television. I do agree with Leslie that it is a control issue.

[laurenchanning]

If you want to save the marriage (and if she does), get counseling. If your marriage survives or not, it'll be worth it.

[Gillian Gigs]

With the exception of the last quoted post, which is about purging, I have been of the opinion that Judy's SO is a control freak. The problem of control freaks is the fear and intimidation that they are continually spewing out all over people. There is an expression in my end of the swamp that goes, "$h!t, or get off the pot". Well Judy, maybe it's time to do one or the other! "Give me liberty, or give me death", is about coming out from under those who want to be in control!

Whether your children stand with you regarding your CD'ing, or your SO, only you can determine.

[Pixie_94]

Try to see how to make everything go slower and more calmly now, then remind your wife about what you are (I don't mean the CDer part, but rather who you integrally are), talk to her, but being careful, the worst approaches to take now are the defensive one and the offensive one, go for a peaceful route, show her how much you love her and anything that reminds her of everything you both have gone through. Once that's done, the counsellor idea someone said is a good one.