Making love with the lights off

[Bea_]

I've been lurking on this site for years, avoiding signing up/in because my wife's expressed her unease with the idea. I finally joined just to be able to add my two cents to the conversations here.

DADT is one of the saddest aspect I see on a regular basis. I understand the reasons and we each have to decide what we need to do in our lives. But, my take on DADT is akin to making sure all the lights are off before making love so that one doesn't have to see the 'flaws' in the other. I cannot imagine the outcome if the husband required that the lights are off because his wife had gained weight or had stretch marks. Even if the extra pounds or stretch marks bothered him, I cannot imagine the effect on her if he told her that it totally turned him off.

It's been a turnoff to me that she sees me as a turnoff at times. I still love her madly and I love her body as much as ever, but my libido has kinda gone the way that I imagine that a wife who's been told her weight is a turnoff would go.

I'm fortunate that my wife is tolerant. I still have to balance 'full disclosure' against her need to maintain something of the normal life she imagined.

[Stephanie47]

I'm in a deep DADT. No conversations. No snide comments. No barbs thrown my way. Nothing. Nada! When my wife and I were newly married on occasion we did enjoy the benefits of me wearing a nylon nightgown and sometimes hosiery. I would classify it as 'kinky bedroom sex.' As my mind ventured deeper into exploring women's clothing my wife questioned what the heck was happening. Yes, we had "The Talk." In her mind, and, I know form posts on this site over the years, many wives have expressed the same sentiments my wife has. She married a man. If she wanted to live with a woman, she would have married a woman. The point is there is a natural attraction to a men.

It is not valid to equate our plight with turning off the lights because a woman has gained weight or gone grey haired. I certainly do not look anywhere like the man I was almost five decades ago. Weight gain is not bad. But I'm no longer six foot one, 175 pounds of military physic muscle, waving blond hair. There are a lot of guys I know who have let it go and look terrible; fat, bald and sloppy. I suspect their wives would want to turn of the lights too.

Anyway, my desires to wear women's clothing has zero to do with my sexual identity. I have to accept the fact my wife married a man, and, does not want a relationship with a woman. It's not just the clothes. It's also the mindset of the man who wants to wear women's clothing.

[Stacy Darling]

My Immediate response could have been quite aggressive but?

It's not the light!

Stacy!

[Micki_Finn]

I don’t know that someone’s weight is a fair comparison. Would you still leave the lights on if your wife wanted to put on a ZZ Top Beard, lumberjack plaid, and a buzz cut wig?

[KatrinaK]

LOL, Micki... does it have to be a ZZ Top beard? The poor girls gonna sweat more than we do in our wigs in the summer!

[Amy Lynn3]

Hey !! I like ZZ Top.:)

[AllieSF]

Hi Bea,

Welcome to the site. If you have been lurking for years you already know that some of us will call posters on what they have written when it appears to not communicate very well. Anyway, I think your analogy, DADT is somehow similar to having sex with your SO in the dark so that well lit view of each other's physical features may lessen the urge to be intimate over time, is hard for some, including me, to understand, I.e. it didn't work as intended.

However, I do understand that conflicting issues in a relationship can and do sometimes lessen that intimate urge. It definitely effects others in many different ways or not at all. I look at DADT as a very imperfect (in most instances) compromise. However, until one reaches the point that one's personal need gets so strong that it seriously damages the desire to stay in a relationship, it gives a lot of people, including many members here, a way to be honest to their partner (maybe that one time when the big reveal to the SO was made) and then dress up when the opportunities come up, either negotiated or stolen (white lies that you were doing something else). Also, reading here I see that there are many different variations of DADT, some much more accommodating than others.

In your specific situation, you may want to consider some counseling to help get both of you back on track so that you don't keep losing that desire and so that she can better tolerate what you do and what you need to do regarding dressing. I wish you the best of luck.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Bea :hugs:, My:love:Wife of almost 55yrs. has been off & On over the yrs. and for the past 20yrs.it
has been a DA/DT, She knows about everything but just don't want to see me while I am dressed.


I dress for 3to4 hours every Morning and a couple hours a couple Evenings a week.
We have a very workable DA/DT and I stay within my boundaries and life is great. >Orchid ..+:daydreaming:+..

[docrobbysherry]

Bea, unless u go to bed dressed, why should her disapproval of your dressing affect your love life?

U can't take off fat when u go to bed. U CAN take off your panties!

So, is the issue u want to make love dressed? If that's not the case, I think u need to see a therapist! I suspect you've got other issues!

[Janine cd]

Stephanie,

I,too, have been in a DADT marriage since I told my wife about my desire to dress about 40 years ago. The need to dress has diminished somewhat with age, but has never gone away. I'm fortunate to be able to wear panties at all times and a bra occasionally. When my wife is away for a day or two visiting her sister I am able to dress up completely. That is the only time when I feel really content.

[Beverley Sims]

I don't look at the person, it is the body within that counts.

[Bea_]

I'm not sure if I came across clearly, but I am not in a DADT situation. I have worn panties for years, many of which she's picked out for me. I've got a fair selection of tops that i wear openly around the house. I even wear dresses and skirts occasionally. I think she might like DADT, but i'm not inclined to accommodate. I try to restrict my style to the things she's already gotten used to and occasionally carefully adding a twist. Occasionally, I get the stink-eye and adjust a little.

I really have no sense of a 'feminine' identity. I'm more of a 'contrarian male'. I think if I felt feminine, I would be more sympathetic. Since it's just a matter of a preference for one type of clothing over another, I just don't see the DADT relationship as bilateral. It seems like one person expressing what she's 'wiling to take' and the other person accommodating. My wife has the option of rejecting me, but then there comes a time when i have to decide how much rejection I'm willing to take.

I don't want to be my wife's girlfriend. I'm totally heterosexual. If I were a woman, I'd be considered to be androgynous, but since I've got external plumbing, I fall into the crossdresser category. I am jealous of many of the indulgences that women have held exclusively for themselves.

DADT seems to me a denial by both parties of a seemingly significant part of one party's character and identity. For a person to cover a whole part of their character in order to maintain the respect, love or affection of the other seems to be one which prefers the dark.

[Sami Brown]

I agree with Bea about DADT being a mutual denial of a core part of the crossdresser's being, and it really is too bad that the expression largely has to be hidden under this circumstance. However, it isn't a complete suppression. That would be even more tragic.

It isn't optimal, but at least DADT gives many crossdressers the occasional opportunity to express themselves. For some, that is enough, and it is a worthwhile tradeoff vs. ending the relationship.

Sami