Controlling SO ... why do you stay?

[Eemz]

Let me say first that I'm a survivor of an abusive relationship (not related to CD/TG) and I acknowledge that this has changed my perception and awareness of control in relationships. Be that as it may...

I feel like a lot of people here are in DADT or even actively hostile relationships, where the other person demands and exercises complete control over your CD/TG self. Why do you stay? Please help me to understand? This isn't a troll; I am genuinely hoping that you can give some insight into your circumstances.

By "control" I mean that another person has the power to dictate where, when, and how much you can express a part of yourself, usually with the implied or actual threat that they'll leave you if you don't comply. It can also be coupled with attacks on your self esteem whenever it starts to rise "you're too girly", "people will stare". That's not love, that's control. Especially if left hanging over you at all times like the sword of Damocles, a perpetual threat to keep you in line when the abuser is not around.

Why do you stay?

Are people afraid to be alone? (It's not so bad - you also get to control your own life again). Do you feel like you don't deserve happiness, or that this is as good as it gets? Those are both abuse victim classics, believe me I know.

If anyone would like to PM me instead that's fine too.
E.

[Gillian Gigs]

Women is Shelters are asked the same question, "Why didn't you leave". I see a lot of similarities between abused CD'ers and battered women. The spouses use the same tricks and games. The mind sets of both abused groups seem similar also.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Eemz :hugs:, My:love:Wife of almost 55yrs. Knows about everything it just don't want to me me while I am dressed,

I dress every Morning for 4:hrs. and a couple Hours a couple Evenings a week.

We have a very workable DA/DT, I stay with in my boundaries and Life is Great. .oo:daydreaming:oo.

[docrobbysherry]

I wouldn't call my ex abusive. But, she was controlling. We argued constantly. But, over the years her constant yammering wore me down! I felt it wasn't worth arguing over every little thing and began giving in.

That was a serious error. Because she kept pushing and pushing. Wanting and getting more control. Finally, when I'd had enuff and I stood up to her, it was too late. She was so used to getting her way she thot taking the money and running was best.

And, she was rite! It took me years to get over our breakup. But, in the long run it was better for our kids and it allowed Sherry to come into her own!:battingeyelashes:

Don't allow yourself to be pushed around like I did. Stand up for yourself or your marriage could die, like mine!:straightface:

[Fran-K]

Hi

“Why do you stay?”

My wife isn’t controlling, but as far as I’ve brought up Cross dressing with her ... it’s not been received too well. So while she’s not controlling, it certainly is undesirable.

So the answer ... we don’t always get the ideal solution, compromises have to be made, give a little to get a little, etc. And in the end, I love her and she loves me (just gotta get her to see the whole me :-). So I can give on public cross dressing, and I get a partner who adds so much else to my life. And I know she’d say the same thing.

Hope that sheds a bit of light on one aspect of your question

Fran

[t-girlxsophie]

My wife was in an abusive relationship and she has told me she was made to feel worthless and stupid,once that gets into your head it does the job and you are lost.It takes a helluva lot to get out from that situation,but eventually she managed to escape.

Perhaps that has a bearing on how understanding she is about my crossdressing.I promised her at the beginning of our relationship that I would never hurt her,the way she has been in the past.

Sophie

[JeanTG]

Call me old-fashioned but I made a vow...

[Pumped]

My wife was extremely unaccepting at first, but she has "given" me some slack. At first she told me to get rid of it all! There was never an ultimatum of either dressing or she was gone, it just had to go. After tossing everything I owned after a few months she realized I was happier when I got a chance to dress up and she sat down with me and said it was ok with her, but try to keep it under control. At first is was DADT, but it has slowly evolved to the point that I wear some clothing, but not everything around her. She told me she does not want to see me in a bra or dress. I wear woman's heels, stretch jeans, tops, pantyhose and quite a selection of undies and lingerie around her. I have a skirt that she accepts, but still no dress! She has said that I am happier now than before and she can deal with my "weirdness"! Now, once in a while she will tell me that she has had enough, so for a while I dress not as often, or when she is gone.

As far as abusive, I would say she has been for from it and very understanding. After all she married a man that wore blue jeans, work boots and flannels shirts, works on cars and rides motorcycles like an insane person, that all of a sudden, after 30 years of marriage wants to wear a bra, panties, high heels and a dress. I can understand her shock and confusion. We have stuck together through it all because other then the bump about my dressing we have a wonderful relationship.

I find it hard to believe I could find someone I would love more. We have been married for over 35 years and still hold hands and cuddle. When we go to bed we still snuggle up to each other and often wake up wrapped up together.

I guess what I am trying to say is not all DADT relationships are bad.

[Rhonda Jean]

I could go on a loooong time on this one... and I'm divorced. And my wife wasn't controlling. She probably should have been more assertive/controlling.

We get a pretty good glimpse into people's relationships on here. In some cases I think people should leave. It's a matter of degree in most cases. Regardless of which side of the relationship you're looking from, it stands to reason that both parties should love and respect each other. Crossdressing should never be the most important aspect of any relationship or the most important aspect of anybody's total being. Not in the way their wife views them nor the way they view themselves. It could easily be turned around and as the wives why they don't leave.

Another thing is, I think we can be prone to excesses. Going too far. Becoming too obvious in our day-to-day lives. Over valuing our female presentation and the time, effort, and money we devote to it. I have a history of being undisciplined in those things. A little external control was probably in order, but I'm sure I would have unwisely rejected it. I was not/am not transitioning, and I shouldn't have acted like I was. I think there's often a lot of unexplored middle ground.

[alwayshave]

Eemz, my wife is not controlling in the least. I actually wish she had a little more gumption. However, my ex-wife was the master manipulator of all time. She spent every waking hour of every day trying to determine how she could control me, my children others around us. She did not know about my CD self and I am so glad. She would have used it so hard against me when I finally had enough.

[Judy-Somthing]

It's tuff to leave when you have a family.
When my brother got devoiced it made and still makes all family get events a bummer, weddings, cookouts, Christmas gatherings, birthday parties, etc.

[Sometimes Steffi]

My wife is somewhat controlling, but not abusive. she knows that I go out dressed, and even to a four-day conference. But, she has never seen me dressed, even in pictures , and doesn't want to. She has never seen any of my clothes, except a stray bra or panty that got left out accidently.

She is often unhappy when I go out, especially on short notice. Sometimes she pouts about it, and I may give into her wishes and not go out. Other times I go out anyhow.

Why don't I leave? It's not like I haven't thought about it. I't not like I'm getting any real satisfaction, like loving, out of the marriage.

But, ultimately I decided that I did make vows, "for better or for worse."

I've been married long enough (over 40 years) that she would at least get half of everything, maybe more because I'm still working as she is retired and has chronic medical problems. I'm willing to make some compromises to maintain my lifestyle.

But, I like my house and don't plan to move out. If she wanted to move out, she's free to go. If she wants to kick me out, then it's time to get a lawyer.

Are these reasons good enough? Maybe or maybe not. If I don't have a chance to dress for a while, it leans to the maybe not. But, she sleeps in the other room, so I can wear a bra and form to bed, as long as I'm discrete (sp). I also wear girls leggings and yoga tops to yoga class 3 times a week. That helps me keep my sanity.

[Tracii G]

I suffered thru two marriages that started off fine but the women in both cases got very controlling.
I will not ever live with someone again.
Its been 12 years single and it is so much better.

[Beverley Sims]

I think you have to go back to why you married in the first place and things you said then.

Love, a partner to live with, and those wedding vows, all make it a hard act to follow.

Most separate only out of desperation or betrayal by an unfaithful partner.

Dressing does come into it sometimes and is it because we have a softer nature and do not assert ourselves enough in making decisions.

It is difficult to say but maybe you should have taken a lead earlier in life.

[Fran in skirts]

If you are not happy take the your partner to consoling and find out what the real problem is. If your partner refuses then see a lawyer. There is no good reason to stay if you are unhappy with your situation.

I have been through three divorces and have been able to come back from each one. But as in baseball three strikes and your out. SO I now live in my own home paid for and drive a nice car paid for and am retired. I am happy!

So don't continue to take the guff of a controlling wife and unhappy marriage, do what you have to do for your sake and your sake alone.

[sometimes_miss]

There is no good reason to stay if you are unhappy with your situation.
^this is often referred to as 'cutting off your nose to spite your face', or, 'out of the frying pan, into the fire'. For a crossdresser, it's the equivalent of selling your house to buy lottery tickets; the chances of winning, or finding a mate again, are about the same.

Women is Shelters are asked the same question, "Why didn't you leave". I see a lot of similarities between abused CD'ers and battered women. The spouses use the same tricks and games. The mind sets of both abused groups seem similar also.
Fear of being alone, and for women 'past their prime', it's a valid fear, because when young, most women have plenty of options. Past 35, they start to realize that most men are starting to ignore them, favoring the younger, prettier instead.
And of course, the fear of losing the only source of [sometimes] affection. For any person who grew up in isolation from any physical touch, any physical affection, when you find it, even when connected with being abused, you're simply afraid that you'll never find it again (and I'm not referring to sex). This was my experience throughout my teens; affection deprivation, loneliness, a sense of hopelessness. It was the worst period of my life, and I remember it well. It was horrible.
And this is a very real fear for some of us. I got divorced 20 years ago; other than the very short term relationships and time with girls for hire, I've been alone, with no end in sight. The likelyhood of finding a CD friendly woman is slim indeed. So some of us are willing to put up with whatever is necessary, to get what we need. Fortunately, I can for the moment afford to hire women for what I need, when I can't find someone decent to date.

[Teresa]

Eemz,
I don't know your full background but the staying or leaving situation is never that simple . If it's CD related that may raise an extra issue . Separation finalyl had to happen for me , the phone was slammed down on me becuase I told my wife her main issue wasn't my Cding but the fact she had lost control of me .

So why do we stay ? At your age I hadn't long come out to her but it was a difficult time with kids in university trying to retain a business and come to terms with TG issues , it was hard to see the wood for the trees . DADT to me is just a series of short term compromises which changed most days so I never knew where I stood from one day to the next .

It took another twenty years to finally make the decision but now I have no regrets I'm happier and more content , I dress and go out pretty much full time , not a single person is giving me a hard time and I haven't lost my family . I'm far from alone but then that never did scare me because I knew I wouldn't be .

JeanTG,
Two people make their vows , both must honour them not just one , you can't live in a one sided relationship !

[Nikkilovesdresses]

People stay because of the financial cost of splitting, or because they see themselves as in the wrong - they're ashamed in other words and don't feel they deserve happiness. Others stay 'because of the kids', though I think normally this is linked to shame.

Some stay because they love their wife and cling to the hope that she will change. Others stay because the good far outweighs the bad, which would be my case. I'm not going to throw away a wonderful woman just because she feels uncomfortable seeing me in a dress.

How about you Eemz? Why do you stay?

[Eemz]

How about you Eemz? Why do you stay?

I left in the end, but it took me about 5 years to sort my head out afterwards. I had zero self-esteem and blamed myself 100% for everything that had happened. It was only when a therapist got me to tell my story again but with the genders reversed that it hit me that I'd been the classic battered wife and that most of the things I blamed myself for never happened, or were engineered on purpose to break down my self esteem and gain total control.

So some themes I see here are resonating with that, like I'm so lucky this person tolerates my weirdness at all, this is my only shot at happiness, they'll leave me if I don't comply, this sucks but being alone is worse. None of those things are true. You're a wonderful person, you're not weird or perverted and you deserve to be happy. And there is life out there.

[audreyinalbany]

sometimes people stay because often there is more to a relationship than gender expression

[DaisyLawrence]

You're a wonderful person, you're not weird or perverted and you deserve to be happy. And there is life out there.

I'll drink to that :)

[Ressie]

Dr. Theodore Rubin has some interesting books on relationships. One thing he talks about is "neurotic locks". This is when couples stay together in toxic relationships, neither one able to face being alone (without the other) in spite of the relationship being unhealthy for both.

[Patrica Gil]

Because of my children I stayed. Yes she was very abusive. No, I was not going to leave my children alone with her. Eventually she left me for someone else when I was caring for and then buried my father. She blabbed all about me, and frankly it doesn’t matter.
My children know and both love me and see me on a regular basis. One sees their mom out of obligation, and the other does not. That is their choice. Both would rather not know her.
Since then I made the choice not to ever be with anyone who didn’t take me the way I am. Yes, went through a few women. Would rather be alone. That works just fine for me. Learned that who I am is okay. Many women believe there is nothing wrong with them.
Eventually I did meet someone who became my wife. Would say more, but there is housework, and shopping that needs doing. Nylons don’t last as long when one wears them everyday.
Thank you for speaking about this.

[Jaylyn]

My situation is very different, I'm not a full time dresser I can dress once a week sometimes more but that's because my wife went back to work. When she retired it was very painful because she now wants nothing to do with my dressing and is scared if we both get killed in a wreck or something else, she tells me she doesn't want the kids to find my stash of clothes and heels and forms and etc. She was 100% for me at the beginning even helping me get clothes giving her old clothes to me. Even helping me with makeup and getting pedicures together. She bought Jaylyn Christmas presents and life was good. We still had a great sexual life. We talk and walked together hand in hand. ( literally holding hands kissing a lot and always saying "I love you often". That was all before she went thru the change in a woman's life. After her time of the change she turned a 180 degree turn. No more (very little sexual activity). The dressing has become a DADT but she still worries what the kids will say the same as before. She makes it a point to tell me how weird it is to see guys wearing femme things. She points out a real buff guy that looks very manly. It's like a slam that I'm not the man she married. Now for the real kicker we are going to Church more often as she says we are getting older and need more friends that are Christian. I can honestly say when she went thru the change in life, it changed every part of our relationship. I believe in vows and I made one at a wedding ceremony many many years ago to honor her in times of good days and in times of bad days. In sickness or health, and to never forsake her so I'm going to honor that the best way I can. I love her but it's hard at times and deep inside I can be jealous that she gets to go get red fingernails and cute tops and dresses but I'm stuck I dulls vill with the clothes I have. Now back in hiding in a DADT type atmosphere.
One other thing I've got a lot of grandsons that think I'm the king of men, and look up to me this I'm trapped two ways. I must be a model for them, live the dull life, keep a farm going, and get my thrill of dressing thru every one else on here. Thanks to all you other girls. Bottom line I'm too old to start over.

[Rhonda Jean]

Often in these threads there's an undercurrent that there's something wrong with staying, and I think that's wrong. Abusive is crossing the line, but sometimes on here it's not abuse, it's just restriction. There's sometimes a "Go! Fly! Be free!" undercurrent on here. I would not give that advice in most cases. There's at least one member on here who I think is in an intolerable relationship, but there are plenty of others who I thing are in relationships where compromise is possible and preferable.

[Micki_Finn]

I’ll jist say that I’m extremely uncomfortable with conflating wives who tell their husbands “if you do this Ill leave you” with husbands who beat their wives. Which isn’t to say that there are not abused or battered husbands, but I don’t believe most of what we see rises to that level.

[Eemz]

Often in these threads there's an undercurrent that there's something wrong with staying ... plenty of others who I thing are in relationships where compromise is possible and preferable.

Very well put Rhonda. I'm sure that staying can work for some people and that compromises are possible. That was really my intention in starting this thread - I'm just asking people for their personal stories and thoughts if they don't mind sharing them. I know my own experience has colored my views and I would like to hear some of the other.

There are relationships on here that are abusive, but most are probably not. Your SO doesn't have to be involved in every aspect of your life and it's not abusive to say I'm not interested in one part, or I flat out don't want to know or be involved. But there's a slippery slope between that and excessive control of someone else's life and that's what worries me. But again, my radar is always scanning for that now.

So I hope to hear good stories of things that are working, as well as the ones who feel trapped.

I agree with Teresa about vows not being one-sided. You also have a sacred duty to love and respect yourself.

[Stephanie47]

I was going to chime in yesterday but twice it just did not read right so I deleted it. Perhaps, when it comes to a man wearing women's clothing something my wife said a very long time ago summed it all up: "I don't care if you go fishing, just don't expect me to clean it!"

Basically, it means do your thing and leave me out of it. You're asking for tales of abuse which is probably mental abuse rather than physical abuse. I would consider constantly berating a man who chooses to wear women's clothing to be a form of spousal mental abuse. The constant harping. The snide remarks. I can think of Judy's situation as being mental abuse.

On the other hand is it not spousal mental abuse for a man to badger his wife into accepting his cross dressing when she wants no part of it. I can remember one wife's description of her destroyed marriage because her husband was totally consumed with various female presentations to the extent I would say it arose to mental illness.

As someone else has already asked, "Why do women who are physically abused stay in a bad marriage?" I don't see a simple answering because I am not a psychologist. I'd say if a woman constantly berates her husband for his cross dressing, I'd think, if he abandoned it in all probability she'd find something else to pick on. Maybe it would serve a marriage well if we perused some of the postings on one of those anti-crossdressing sites to get the feel of what a wife believes is an abusive relationship.

[Connie D50]

I think there is big difference in "DADT or even actively hostile relationships" Or at lease in my case. I didn't tell my wife about my crossdressing before we got married (would take to long to say why). When I did it started with a DADT it has sence turned much more to a supporting relationship. I always feel but myself into her shoe (no pun attended ok maybe a little) see didn't know what she was signing up for so I had to give her a chance. If she never turned around I would still stay. I agree with other post CD's fall into the same trap that women do that are in a actively hostile relationships.

[Rayleen]

Have not been in an abusive relationship being in for some 40 yrs, It would have not lasted if it was.

When you learn to survive without anyone, you can survive anything, you have to love yourself first.

Rayleen

[Jenny22]

Gilda, please tell us how you met your apparently accepting wife and how broadly she is accepting of your CDing? Sounds like it could be a wonderful story, and could benefit many, here.

[Desiree2bababe]

One reason I stay is I gave an oath "til death do us part". Another is our children, although grown, I still feel divorce is hard on a family. Another reason is Desiree isn't around 24/7 and sometimes doesn't come out for months at a time. If I were to divorce it would not be because of my transvestism nor her dislike for it, it would be due to the fact she's just no longer any fun to be around. But like I say, it's til death do us part for my side of the marriage at least.

[Alice Torn]

As a lifetime 64 yo bachelor, I get lonely, and wish i could have had a lovely woman wife, and at least a steady dating relationship. I have had only one date in the last 8 years. It is no fun having to do everything alone. But, sometimes, I am thankful that i am single, with my dear, loving cats only. I just do not have the energy for a difficult relationship, anymore, and the type of woman i would like is so very , extremely rare now, that i have given up, and glad i am alone now.

[ClosetED]

My wife tolerated the level of CDing I NEEDED for 20 years. Then as the kids began leaving, I acted on the more I WANTED and she went DADT. She is controlling and says nasty things and then says she meant none of it, but only if I mention how hurt I felt. She has asked for divorce many times,we signed the request forms, and she tore them up. The children are now all adults, so a divorce won't hurt them as much now, but they had a very stable household to grow up in, better than I or my wife. That was very important to both of us. I now care much less what she wants and she can take it or leave. But we do make great friends as our goals have always been the same. That is not always easy to find.
Hugs, Ellen

[LeannS]

I have been through 3 marriages. One left me for another guy, 2) I left she was jealous of #1, and was very abusive towards me 3) lasted only 1yr and a half wrong from the get go, she never got over an ex, trust issues. The one I am in now. moved from Wyoming to Colorado after meeting her thinking I could find a job really easy wrong it turned inot a stay at home job thanks when I found my cding side I was doing womens chores so why not and it evolved into Leann. We have a dadt relationship with my cding oh she knows I do it. I don;t hide my clothes they are in a spare bedroom hung up. she told me she doesn't like seeing my forms, she had never seen me dressed, and always calls on her way home. We love each other yes I want more dressing time or be able to get all dressed up but a mustache makes it hard to do. I trying to do the best I can cleaning, cooking and taking care of the house and yes even babysitting our grandson. We hold hands all the time, enjoy each others company, cuddle and sleep in each others arms.
I also get her coffee in the morning, be her personal assistant, I also make sure she has dinner ready when she get home from work. She tells me she is lucky to have me
So do I mind the dadt hell no

[Dani0948]

My first wife was accepting. She even made a dress for me. We divorced in 1984 for reasons not involving CD. I married my currrent wife in 1985 and told her I was a CD before we got married. She thought that was awful and I promised her I would quit. Being quite a bit younger and maddly in love, I was able to supress dressing until 2012 when I started up again. I was in the closet for a couple years until I got caught. I again quit and purged. Six months later I snuck into one of her dresses and got caught again. This time I told her I was going to continue dressing and would replenish my meager wardrobe. She reluctantly agreed. She was afraid for all the usual reasons (what would the neighbors, family etc think if they found out). She said that if I went out again she would leave me. She knows that I'm dressing when she's out, but doesn't know I'm going out. If I get caught again I'll find out if she was serious about leaving (I don't think so). She is usually the dominant one in our marriage, but I would never say she is abusive. I still love her maddly and hope to spend the rest of my life with her. That's why I stay.