Anger getting out of control

[Karen's Secret]

I'm not sure how many of you have experienced this but I thought I'd share in case others have been through this. At age 50 I've finally decided that I need to take action and get my anger under control. I know I suffer from PTSD due to my career and events I've experienced. Crossdressing and all the resentment and bitterness I feel about needing to hide it is taking an additional toll. For many years now I find that I am angry most all of the time and that little things tend to set me off, verbally not physically. I made the call today to get a formal PTSD diagnosis and hopefully some medication to take the edge off. I assume I'm not alone in being angry and bitter over how crossdressing has impacted our lives.

[Tracii G]

Glad you are seeking help and I wish you well.

[Beverley Sims]

I am pleased for you I think the change in direction will do you well.

[Crissy 107]

Glad you are seeking help and I wish you well.

I totally agree with this. You are taking some positive steps.
Crissy

[Fran in skirts]

First of all, you have recognized the fact you need help for the anger.
Secondly you are trying get that help, so make the most of it.
Thirdly always be true to yourself and acknowledge the needs you have.

I do wish for you a happy out come. It is possible to have one so be strong in your convictions.

[phili]

Great step Karen!
Anger is an expression of frustration at hidden pain, and frustration is the feeling of paralysis, so it all starts to go away as soon as we take the needed steps to address the pain. Chances are pretty good that your gender issues are a big part of the stress. We try to deal with it through crossdressing, but it is a deeper need that has to be met- to feel free- to be ourselves, to experience life more fully. to ....fill in your answers!

[biancabellelover]

Like others have said, it’s great that you’ve recognised that you need help and are doing something about it.

My only caution would be regarding meds. Unless they’re being taken to fix an imbalance, meds should only be used as a temporary remedy.

Good luck with it and I hope that you can get to a better place.

Michelle

[Leslie Mary S]

I guess I am the other end of the Spectrum. When something some one confronts me I tend to go hole up in my room/closet. When I do anger I go off like a boom with a near physical explosion. Then after the 'BOOM', which only lasts a moment, it is into my closet I go for weeks. My Explosion usually is demonstrated with something hand sized, but heavy, flying across the room into a wall.I tend to aim at a wall and not a person.

[Krisi]

Getting help is a good idea but looking for "medications" to deal with it is not. See about counselling instead. Pills should never be the first thing we think of to solve a problem.

[Stephanie47]

It is not sufficient to just get a diagnosis and medication for PTSD. You should look into therapy with a qualified counselor and possibly group therapy. You used the present in ascribing your PTSD to job experiences. Usually counseling services are available by an employer.

[ClosetED]

Great for seeking help. I am curious - when dressed - do you still feel the same anger?
Maybe that would be a required therapy treatment ...
Hugs, Ellen

[Karen's Secret]

It is not sufficient to just get a diagnosis and medication for PTSD. You should look into therapy with a qualified counselor and possibly group therapy. You used the present in ascribing your PTSD to job experiences. Usually counseling services are available by an employer.I hear what you're saying but really nothing positive happens when you involve your employer in something like this if you intend to stay employed. Simply not worth the risk so I'll let my insurance pay the bill and keep it to myself. In fact, I would pay for it out of my own pocket before letting my employer know.

[Ressie]

Have you tried meditation or yoga? Both are good for clearing the mind of negative thoughts at least temporarily.

[Gillian Gigs]

Anger is a secondary emotion, it is the resulting action for something deeper within you. Medication will take an edge off, but it will not resolve the deep seated issues that are causing the anger. You need to get this anger out of your life, not mask it temporarily. Please find a good therapist and get the help needed to get to the bottom of your circumstance.

My anger issues were based on rejection. It gets complicated when it comes to my CD'ing, and the potential of being rejected for this habit of mine. I needed to see that CD'ing was not the problem, but the rejection that could happen from others possibly not accepting my CD'ing.

Too many of us spend too much time rejecting ourselves for something that some societies seem to frown on. We live in a world that requires clothing to protect us from the sun, or the cold, so cover yourself and if others don't like what you are wearing, then it is their problem.

[giuseppina]

Seeking help to solve anger or any other problem is laudable, but when a loved one makes dramatic accusations about the outcome of said therapy, that strips it of practical value. The primary benefit to me was learning there was an external issue that I was unable to change for which I bore no responsibility. Later, after I lost several teeth in part to nocturnal bruxism, action was taken with the loved one. That was the evidence my GP needed - after 10 years of distress and unemployment.

I personally would not go to a therapist with any connection to an employer. While privacy laws demand confidentiality, keeping health care providers at arm's length from the employer is very important to me.

[CynthiaD]

I get angry over trivial things -- usually only when I'm in male mode. Some little thing will set me off, and I'll spiral upwards into being furiously angry about every bad thing that's ever happened to me. I have two cures for this. The first is to recognize what's happening, and say "OK, it's happening again. Let's think about something that makes you happy." That usually works. For the times that it doesn't work, I keep a bag of hard candy (lifesavers, usually). Jacking up my blood sugar always makes the anger disappear. I have to be careful with that because too much makes me manic, which is almost as bad.

[CarlaWestin]

Life is a series of decisions. You are certainly choosing the correct path.
Once, an old friend told me, It's OK to be happy with yourself. It truly changed my attitude.

[Crissy 107]

A good thing to do is try and get rid of the negative people in your life. I know it is easier said then done.
Crissy

[francinemann]

Hi Karen, I too suffer from the same thing......anger. I am now 63 and around 50 I was the same way you described. It became so bad that my wife said I needed help. I sought it out but I did not want to spend the rest of my life chained to a doctor. I went a few times to figure out what to do and was given the tools to help myself. I think confronting your fears is a very big step. Also writing down the issues of the day in a diary form even if you cannot read them. The frustration goes out the writing utensil. My anger still has not stopped but has got a whole lot better. My wife can always tell. I get very quiet.

Here is a section from my old website that helped me figure out the big picture. My website was also an emotional outlet for some of the frustration. >>

As the years of high school continued so did my urge to cross dress. I found that working was a way to keep this expensive habit going and everyone was happy. I found out that catalog ordering was the ticket to restocking my wardrobe. I found myself struggling over and over with the desire to dress and the many purges that followed. On one side I was in seventh heaven when dressed and on the other side I felt so much guilt and denial and was so ashamed that I was dressing like a girl.

I had very few friends. I could count them on one hand. I hated every waking day of my life in high school. I somehow survived by inventing my own personal friend within myself to talk to. There was very little love at home and my dad made life a living hell. It was almost like ...will I survive until morning. Life was pretty grim. I became introverted and turned very cold to society.
During my junior year I started having stomach troubles. I thought at the time it must have been an ulcer and just went on with my life. Not really thinking about the things that were eating me alive on the inside. Girl friends were not an option at the time and living in the country with no wheels made it all the worse. Work became a conduit to divert my attention away from the guilt, denial, and shame. The harder I worked the more I did not think about it. I started my work career at age 15 and was able to master it in my early 30-s. I concentrated so hard that I thought I could erase cross-dressing from my mind. However, this did not stop the effect of the being in the closet, as I will explain later.
Work entailed sweeping the floor at my dad's shop. I had to walk there after school and always passed the church on the way. Our minister always told us that the church would always be open if we ever needed to prey. I remember several times stopping by and preying in the dark asking for god's forgiveness and letting this madness end. At the time I thought cross-dressing was a terrible thing and purged my wardrobe several times. I never really understood that this was the way god created me and was a hidden gift until almost thirty years later.
As I entered into college it was like a whole new world. People were actually friendly and I made several permanent friends. During my first year of college the urge to dress became so great that I once again purchased a whole new line of lingerie. They had to be very tight and restrictive. Almost like punishing myself. I even had the balls to go in person to Sears to buy an 18 Hour all-in-one girdle. As you can imagine I got quite a look from the sales clerk. I vividly remember stopping on route 2 and changing in the car on the way to see one of my college buddies. You can imagine the adrenaline rush as all the cars were whizzing by and there I was naked and squeezing my way into a brand new all in one girdle. It is amazing how compelling the urge is and I was quite desperate sometimes.
At home I became the master of hiding the stuff. I thought I was really good at keeping this a secret. All along I was thinking about how good it would feel to be tight laced into a very tight restrictive corset. The idea of having a tiny waist and having that constant hug was something I craved for. I spent quite a lot of time over the years trying to find a corsetiere to make one but never seemed to find one. I even tried to construct one from scratch but it never worked out.

Then one day at college it happened, I met a girl. I disliked her at the time. She had so much makeup on she looked out of place. As the weeks progressed I soon became friends and we started dating. She was the one to ask me out. We would spend hours talking and having fun. Three years would pass before I married this gal, my future wife.

The shit hit the fan at home once again. While I had my girl friend and two of her friends over at our house for a visit, my dad popped in to say hi. He asked me what the nature of the letter he was holding was all about. Evidently the mail order company was interested in finding out how I liked all the lingerie that I had purchased. The company was very interested in my opinion and satisfaction. My jaw must have hit the ground. There were three girls and my dad in front of me waiting for an answer and my face was beet red and on fire. By now I had become a master at dreaming up ideas. I said it was for a fraternity prank. Of coarse that's it! They bought it. I had to be way more careful.

Cars and women then became a big motivator for me. Cross-dressing seemed to take a back seat for a while. During one of my dates with my wife I told her that I had done things that I could never admit to. I never had the guts to admit cross-dressing to anyone at the time. One seems so alone and as if you are the only one on the planet. At the time it didn't matter. We were in love. Love was such a new thing and distracted my attention away from the cross-dressing. I thought I could hide it from her forever.

Around this time in my life I grew a beard and never once shaved it for 25 years. It was a facade for me to hide behind. A masquerade show to prove I was manly.
The wedding day finally came. When we went on our honeymoon and I remember buying her lingerie for the celebration. She wasn't really all that enthused when I presented the gift to her. She did wear it to please me though. This act was a way for me to enjoy the lingerie without me wearing it. As a few years passed I bought her many outfits of lingerie to wear. She would wear them a few times and seldom again. It should have been apparent to me that she didn't really get into dressing this way. So it became like an obsession to me. The more I bought the more she had to wear and the more she rejected it. During these years the compelling urge never bothered much. As long as I could enjoy it on her it was leaving me alone. This was the escape from reality.
One night during one of our more creative and wild sexual encounters I had tied my wife up and blind folded her. I then went and changed into some of her lingerie and returned for some wild sex. It is amazing how the alcohol relaxes the mind and the true inner person emerges from within. The girl within was having the time of her life with my wife and suddenly my wife realized what I was wearing. Even though she could not see she could tell what I had on. She was not a happy camper. Not a good way to let her find out. I blew it off as just some fun and she seemed Ok with that even though deep down I wanted to tell her. I never pulled that one again as I did not have the courage. I had slipped up. I just could not face the truth and tell her. I tried to bury the cross dressing back deeper into my mind.

Children finally came about and then the urge for me to dress reappeared as well. Not having sex for six weeks was hard. The cross dressing was back in full swing. This time I had to be very careful. I dare not let her find out. I really wanted to secretly get into her wedding dress but the opportunity never presented itself to this day. I became very worrisome that I would forget some detail and slip up. This worrying led to a very horrible stomach disorder that I did not know the cause of at the time. It manifested over time from many years prior. Atrophic Gastritis - the lining of my stomach had disappeared. It became so bad that I told the doc that if this were how life had to go on I would rather die. The doc had said that this was a disease that women usually get and there was no set time period for cure. They didn't know the cause and didn't know the cure except for time. Just the news I needed to hear - I had a womanly disease. With drugs it took 8 years to get over.

Then one night I was to embark on a very difficult journey. It started by us watching a special on Drew Carry. He went on to tell how he was child molested when he was a young boy. That statement hit me like a bolt of lighting. I was frozen in time as I remembered back to when it had happened to me. Tears started to run down my cheeks as I listened and tried to fight back the tears. I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of my wife. This was the start of me coming to terms with my hidden past and the cross-dressing. Slowly but surely I was coming out and there was no stopping. For quite a long period I struggled with what was going on inside me. I seemed out of sorts and had no control over emotional things. My wife asked me for the longest time what was ailing me and that she could see a dramatic change in me, as I was depressed and very quiet once again.

I bought a book called Parting the Leather Curtain. At the time it seemed something to re spark the life back into our marriage and get me out of the rut I was in. Written by mistress Jacqueline, It was her life story and how she came to terms with it. It talks about how she evolved from being a submissive partner who always wanted to be spanked. Eventually she became a Mistress who now provides these activities to individuals who need it. I was one of those people. I deserved to be punished and wanted it to be at my wife's hand. I tried to get my wife to read the book and kind of get the idea. She wasn't into this sort of thing. I became even more demanding. Now I was becoming sadistic. I wanted my wife to tie me up and treat me bad like she was my leather-clad mistress. You know all the associated things that go with it. I was becoming a different man. Almost like Dr. Jerky and Mr. Hyde. Our marriage was suffering badly.
She woke up one morning upset and suggested that I go see a Psychologist. The funny thing is that I did. The same morning I made an appointment at the Cleveland clinic. I knew the problem but didn't want to think about it. Prior to seeing the doc I wrote down most of what I have written here except for the major cross dressing stuff. I was trying to fix blame somewhere else like the world was at fault. During my first visit I read the doc everything and was very close to breaking down. I wanted her to know that I was there to save our marriage. She stated that I had to tell my wife the same thing I had read to her.

I was in shock. I wanted her to do the legwork. I wanted her to do the telling with hopes that my wife would be accepting of my cross-dressing. I finally got up the nerve to tell my wife. Not the complete part of my desires, just the fringe stuff. I kept my composure and she was in shock. This info had caught her totally off guard. I thought it would be the end for sure. Low and behold she sort of accepted it and agreed to attend the next meeting with the doc. At the next visit the doc suggested that I continue the mild cross-dressing. I was the happiest man alive then. But it took two more trips to the doc for my wife to accept what I was doing. I felt good that I had saved the marriage and had the blessing to cross dress. I thought I was in seventh heaven.

- - - Updated - - -

You know even I sometimes find my life hard to read about. But this is what I mean by facing your fears. It is good for the soul.

Francine

[Alice B]

Very good for you and I hope it greatly helps.

[francinemann]

You know for 25 years I hid behind a beard. I never realized I was hiding from the truth until I went to a SPICE conference. When I got back home from the conference I shaved the beard after 25 years. Not many people recognized me. But this was the beginning of facing the real me and facing the woman inside of me. Since then I never have grown it back and never will. I hate shaving and go for days without. Would be much easier to have it permanently removed but my wife likes to see the man as well as the woman inside. After 41 years of marriage I guess I can live with shaving to keep peace in the family.

When I see others with a beard I often wonder if they too are secretly crossdressers.

Francine

[Stephanie47]

Karen I do see your point (#12) concerning employee/employer relationships. However, it is not necessary to reveal that you're a cross dresser. There are jobs which can cause PTSD and are recognized as such; police officers, firefighters, emergency room workers, et al. Identifying the reason for explosive anger, not letting people into your home (previous post) is necessary to resolve issues. Taking medication will help with certain aspects of PTSD such as suppressing bad dreams. Sometimes wearing women's clothing is a source of comfort and stress relief.

As I have stated many times in the past on this site my PTSD is combat related to my service as an infantryman in Nam. Two purple hearts under very difficult personal situations. Lots of bad dreams. Survivor guilt. Yes, Stephanie is a coping mechanism. Unlike many of my buddies I have not immersed myself in alcohol or drugs in order to coup. I have not revealed to my counselor or my support group of combat veterans I am a cross dresser because it would negate the effectiveness of having Stephanie run interference for me. One thing everyone I know cannot do it alone even with drugs.

[Karen's Secret]

Karen I do see your point (#12) concerning employee/employer relationships. However, it is not necessary to reveal that you're a cross dresser. There are jobs which can cause PTSD and are recognized as such; police officers, firefighters, emergency room workers, et al. Identifying the reason for explosive anger, not letting people into your home (previous post) is necessary to resolve issues. Taking medication will help with certain aspects of PTSD such as suppressing bad dreams. Sometimes wearing women's clothing is a source of comfort and stress relief.

As I have stated many times in the past on this site my PTSD is combat related to my service as an infantryman in Nam. Two purple hearts under very difficult personal situations. Lots of bad dreams. Survivor guilt. Yes, Stephanie is a coping mechanism. Unlike many of my buddies I have not immersed myself in alcohol or drugs in order to coup. I have not revealed to my counselor or my support group of combat veterans I am a cross dresser because it would negate the effectiveness of having Stephanie run interference for me. One thing everyone I know cannot do it alone even with drugs.You make an interesting point about not revealing crossdressing to your counselor. I'm debating whether or not I want to reveal that as well. The only reason not to is that crossdressing is not the cause of my PTSD so I feel like I should just concentrate on the issues underlying the PTSD. I do get angry about the issues surrounding crossdressing but I get angry about almost everything else as well.

[francinemann]

Over the years I have met several servicemen who have ventured into the queen of hearts in warren ohio years ago. One in particular was a colonel who used to sell womens clothing at Lehrners to women and occasionally shopped there too while dressed. Others were airforce pilots and many others. I just recently buried one of college buddies who served in NAM and developed bone cancer and died by starving out......not being able to eat. I visited him for two years......twice a week at the VA....2-3 hours at a crack. While there I had lunch with him and met several other servicemen during those visits. I specifically remember seeing a guy dressed in womens clothes walking down the hallway. I remember feeling comfort around him and tried to speak to him but he was silent. I guess my point is not being ashamed of coming out to superiors about who you are really. It is amazing that they do not care and do not judge you one way or the other. It is good for ones own sanity.

The military has also been known to fund surgery to those trans folks who wanted it. The military realizes that for lifers they have too much invested to ditch these folks and cast them aside. Truth be known.......all of the CD's I have met have some brilliant gift bestowed on them. They are great people and all my brothers and sisters. I love them all!

[Swottie]

Hi Karen's Secret,

I'm in a similar boat in terms of being angry most of the time. I do wonder if my suppressed cross dressing has anything to do with it.

[GaleWarning]

Attending an Anger Management Course is a wonderful idea!
It helped me to learn strategies which have enabled me to walk away from the things which cause me to get angry.

Does your place of employment have a programme which allows you to access an Anger Management Course without their knowledge? Mine does.
Check to see if this is available.

Alternatively, Google Anger Management Course to find courses available in your area.

Best wishes.
Gale

[Gillian Gigs]

I'm in a similar boat in terms of being angry most of the time. I do wonder if my suppressed cross dressing has anything to do with it.

I remember how often my suppressed CD'ing led to anger situations, just ask my wife, she remembers. Having frustration does lead to anger. I got into underdressing to help me cope with the anger. As far as helping goes, it did help, but still only masked the situation temporarily. I underdress all the time now, but it is for better reasons, not for masking the issue. Only therapy can help you get to the bottom of what is causing the anger, and ignoring the situation does not help it go away!