Crossdressing and being gay.

[Maria 60]

For some reason crossdessing and being gay is very much associated, even my wife of thirty years makes a connection, knowing I'm not gay.
My wife has a co-worker getting married and she asked me if I knew a place that she can buy some sex toys for a joke because they plan on giving her a staget. I looked up a place on the Internet that would be close for her to go on the way home from work.
I get home from work and she calls me and says that she found the place and the staff is very friendly and since she's there does Maria need anything??? WHAT? I stop and take my mind out of the gutter and remember that place has pantyhose, panties and sexy nighties and then ask my wife what does she mean, said is Maria interested in a toy.
I told her no and when she got home I asked her why she thought I would be interested in something like that and I didn't deny that in the past at times when I was dressed I told her I wonder what it would be like to get the attention from a man, but I never attempted it or looked for it. I told her if she wanted to change things up in bedroom that would be OK with me, but she asked does Maria need anything.
She told me she doesn't know what Maria does she alone and what Maria does to satisfy her needs. I told her first of all I know we talk about Maria as a third party that's OK with me and maybe she separates us as separate people but I think after thirty plus years of marriage I think she knows I'm not gay and asking her why is she making a connection like that. She says she doesn't know, maybe it's because the way I try to dress so perfect or the way I usally dress sexy, that feels I would like to attract men.
I believe we will never lose that connection of us all crossdressers being gay.

[Julie MA]

I think it stems from the binary conditioning culture in which many of us are raised. It teaches us you are either 100% gay or 100% straight. But CDs are found across the entire sexual orientation spectrum. Some are just learning this. Some may never learn it or accept it. BTW, just suggesting Maria might want a toy doesn't imply she thinks Maria, or the male you, is gay. Our attractions, preferences, and fantasies are complex and diverse. A toy could be used no matter your predominant sexual orientation.

[sometimes_miss]

I didn't deny that in the past at times when I was dressed I told her I wonder what it would be like to get the attention from a man
I read that pretty frequently on this forum. I have to wonder, just how much we might feel that way, if only the women in our lives paid us more sexual attention. I can't even fill up one hand worth of fingers, with the number of times that a woman paid me obvious sexual attention and then 'took charge' in the bedroom. I've heard of it happening, I've just found it to be so rare as to be essentially like coming across a Snow Cap in my box of Raisinettes.

[deebra]

Maria 60,

How nice that she called and asked if Maria needed anything. She has accepted your need to CD and guessed a toy or lingerie that could only be bought in a sex store just might make your Maria time better. Great lady, not only accepting and thinking about Maria but trying to make it better when you are Maria.

[natalie edwards]

Yeah it's kinda cool that she's so accepting and asked but I have to wonder what her reaction would be if you said yeah I need a bigger dildo my ass is so stretched! Get me something 12" or more and at least 2-3" circumference and preferably black! LOL!

[Gillian Gigs]

Crossdressing and being gay, I get it, it makes sense to me. Why, many CD'ers dress in a sexy way, in our western culture that is a sign that the individual is interested in some form of sexual activity. Single women dress sexy to catch the eye of some man hoping to get a husband, it's the mating game. Hence if some CD'er goes out in a sexy outfit, then by reason of thinking they must be looking for the same thing. I think that it is part of a binary mentality, like a magnet with a north and South Pole, opposites attract. I also doubt that this thinking will leave in the near future.

PS: seeing all of the porn sites showing CD sex photos doesn't help either.

[1958Candi]

I don't view her question as an implication of gayness, rather an acknowledgement that you are not typical. Plenty of straight men enjoy anal stimulation, the prostate is essentially the male G spot and most avoid it because of the gay association. Rather than look more deeply into her question, you should be so happy to have such an open minded wife!

[laurenchanning]

I remember watching the Phil Donahue show way back when when he had a show about crossdressing. Back in the pre-internet days, his shows and shows like it were pretty much the main source of information for most of us. Donahue and his guests explained to his audience that being a crossdresser didn't mean you were necessarily gay, but many in the studio audience couldn't quite get that idea.

[SHINY-J]

If I can play devils advocate here for a moment... While I know that being a CD and being gay are not always one and the same, I can see where some might blur the lines. I consider myself a straight guy with a Crossdressing fetish. When I dress, it’s really just for sexual pleasure. I just love the feeling that I get and the excitement and rush I feel when I dress. And, when I dress and pleasuring myself, I almost always fantasize about being with CD’s or men. After I orgasm, the feelings are pretty much gone. I undress and go back to my “normal” life.

The rest of the time, I live my life as a regular “guy’s guy”. I date and have relationships with women only and that’s all I really want and desire in my romantic life. The fantasies about men and CDs only come up when I dress and it’s never about a specific celebrity, actor, model, etc... it’s just about a random faceless guy/s who I’m dressed as a gurl in front of and submitting to. But I don’t fantasize about being in relationships with men... I don’t fantasize about going on dates with men... I don’t want to have romantic dinners with men....etc. it’s purely fantasy. And I think almost ALL men in the world, whether they’re gay, straight, bi, CD, etc.. have all had a gay fantasy at some point... not all, but a pretty significant majority...

But, if I reveal my CDing to the next girlfriend I have and it goes well (laughable,.. I know..) and we end up delving deep into my dressing and what I means to me/how it makes me feel/why I do it, etc... then I’m sure she would raise an eyebrow when I told her I fantasize about being a submissive CD for men... and I could see how she might think that I’m gay. Even though it all pretty much ends with ejaculation... lol.


But, I literally can turn it in and off because my dressing is a fetish. Some may find that hard to believe. So I get how some might assume that I’m gay.

I've just started to look at CDing more like a hobby... people ride Harley’s, collect stamps, do embroidery, collect comics, build models, cycling, hiking, pottery, painting, etc... and amongst those people, some are gay, some are straight, and some are bi...

[Micki_Finn]

*Gets on soapbox* Sex toys do not make you gay. *Picks up soapbox and leaves*

[Stephanie47]

Maria, you're extremely fortunate to have a wife who asks that sort of question. It does confer some sort of acceptance. Have you considered she may have used "Google Images" and had male/male cross dresser sex images crop up? Unfortunately, there is an automatic association that cross dressers are homosexuals. How many women have day dreamed of having a sexual relationship with a man other than her husband? Does that make her an adulterer? Or day dreaming with a woman make her bisexual or a lesbian?

Since you told her "I wonder what it would be like to get the attention from a man" perhaps you missed an opportunity for her to participate in a little fantasy. Does the shop sell strap on dildos? :)

[Teresa]

Maria,
I'm beginning to think this is all old hat ! To me the media are mostly responsible for this idea . OK my wife did think that for a short while but despite my CDing she knows her man so beleived me when I told her I wasn't interested in fact she went as far as calling me homophobic . I''m not , I simply don't understand a male to male relationship . The gay question never arises when I meet the public or at my social meetings , it remains a private matter for individuals .

On one occasion my wife even defended me when another member of the family asked if I was going to see my boyfriends when I started going out socially, she soon put pay to those remarks .

Reading the full text did you consider your wife may be wanting to spice things up a bit , don't fall into the trap of thinking wives are naive in these matters , there's no telling what she discusses at work with her friends . Maybe you should take a closer look at what she may be hiding in her wardrobe !!

[jacques]

hello Maria,
just one thought - being gay seems to be quite acceptable these days but crossdressing is still taboo.
luv J

[Maid_Marion]

I know a straight drag queen that goes to dressed to social events with his wife. She posts pictures of him in drag! And, if my memory is accurate, they have mentioned going to events for over a decade.

[Eemz]

I think she's asking does that side of you have sexual needs that aren't being met, and if so she's willing to try and help. That's really sweet and amazing, and you should be loving her all the more for it. Not freaking out that she thinks you're gay. She doesn't - you said that yourself. She might think you're an idiot now, and is probably very hurt. She went out on a limb for you and you chopped her down.

OK no toys. That was just one idea. Are there things you would like? Now is the time to bring them up. "I've thought about what happened before... you're wonderful, I'm an idiot, I don't like the idea of toys but what I would like is... whatever it is (don't tell us, we don't wanna know! lol)"

[Patience]

I gave your sex toy story some thought and came up with an angle you may not have considered.

It is apparent that marital aids are not being currently used in your conjugal life due to the fact that neither of you knew offhand where to get them. Your wife of thirty years knows this. Why, then, would she consult you on this subject, as:

1. Her office wedding really has nothing to do with you,
2. She had the means to obtain this information without your help all along.
3. Knowing what we know of your married life, why, of all people in the office, would your wife be the one in charge of running that errand? At first glance, this doesn't seem like an idea or a role that would fall naturally to her.

I think, Maria, that your wife was stealthily asking a probing question to maybe get you to unconsciously admit to something. Had you answered in the affirmative, she would have concluded that your knowledge of sex shops (whose more specific products are not currently used at your home) meant that you could be engaging in some kind of hidden activity. Your demonstrated ignorance on the subject and your need to look it up online is a strong, if inconclusive, indicator of your innocence.

The plot thickened when your wife called you offhand to ask if Maria wanted something. Only you can tell if this type of call (asking if you wanted something from a store) was a common occurrence or not, but from your writing, I assume that is not.

To be blunt, I think your wife, like so many other members of the public, seems unable to make the distinction between gender and sexual orientation and your well-intentioned admission of curiosity about getting male attention didn't help. I think your wife feels that you have a need she cannot fulfill and is trying to address this apparent need before you subcontract it out to a better equipped third party (wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more).

Calling you and offering to buy you a sex toy may have felt weird, but how would you have felt if she just showed up at home with one without consulting you first? Calling you from the store would have made her purchase (had she made one) more of a mutual decision. The office party story may have been just a ruse to give her plausible deniability, as she allegedly went to the store with your knowledge for reasons unrelated to your relationship.

I'm not saying your wife is trying to be malicious, but some women seem unable to deal with the men in their lives directly; so they try to steer them by making hints, telling fibs and leaving what they believe are clear breadcrumb trails for the men to follow. Then, they get angry when the men don't get the message or get it wrong. Quite a maddening trait, really. I think it stems from the fact that women are physically weaker than men and therefore feel the need to equalize things by outsmarting them. Even that can be taken to an extreme, and a cross dressing spouse can be a powerful catalyst.

The question, then, is what to do. Maybe it would be a good idea for the two of you to visit the sex shop together. Who knows, you might find something you both can enjoy. Before anything else, though, you might want to sit down with your wife and make sure she realizes and understands that enjoying anal stimulation (if that's what one's into) doesn't automatically make one homosexual.

I may be well off-base here. I hope I gave you something to think about. Good luck.

[Eemz]

*Gets on soapbox* Sex toys do not make you gay. *Picks up soapbox and leaves*

Ha ha no they certainly don't. And that G spot thing is not a myth; don't knock something 'till you've tried it is all I'll say.
And I will plead the 5th to any questions LOL

- - - Updated - - -

Hmm Patience makes some good points too. Interesting how different people can have very different takes on the same situation. I think the similarity is that we're both suggesting she feels that you may have an itch that's not being scratched, so to speak. Maria 60 you're the only one who really knows her and is able to judge what motivations she might have.. But you have food for thought here. And unscratched itches only get worse.

You should also think about why you had such a strong reaction to her maybe thinking you're gay. Presumably she knows from first hand experience that you're attracted to women, yet you immediately jumped to that conclusion yourself. Does that mean anything in itself? I don't know.

[MarinaTwelve200]

Wouldn't a gay who cross dressed and identified with a female, be considered more a 'Transsexual"? My first readings about Cross dressing defined a "Transvestite" as a Cross dresser who was "straight". Indeed, where would the "sexual thrill" of looking like a female come from if the Cross dresser was attracted to the MALE form? -----------So a Gay Cross dresser never made any sense to me. I have equated the "gay connection" and crossdressing as something "sexually uneducated", "ignorant people" assumed Cross Dressers were---"A man who thinks he's a woman"---definition of both Gays and Transsexuals in "the same basket" so to speak, with no differentiation between the two, and also lumping Transvestites in there also.

But of course, I have since learned that there are other reasons for Cross Dressing beyond the simple "sexual excitement", fetish reasons.-----So it is conceivable that some gays might also cross dress. but for different reasons than most straight men. Of course the "Ignorant bunch" would say a gay Cross Dresses so he can attract a Straight male partner.---Come ON! who would he be fooling? I doubt any Gay man would be THAT desperate or stupid. NOTHING would come of such a relationship even if he initially fooled his target.

[laurenchanning]

Wouldn't a gay who cross dressed and identified with a female, be considered more a 'Transsexual"? My first readings about Cross dressing defined a "Transvestite" as a Cross dresser who was "straight". Indeed, where would the "sexual thrill" of looking like a female come from if the Cross dresser was attracted to the MALE form? -----------So a Gay Cross dresser never made any sense to me. I have equated the "gay connection" and crossdressing as something "sexually uneducated", "ignorant people" assumed Cross Dressers were---"A man who thinks he's a woman"---definition of both Gays and Transsexuals in "the same basket" so to speak, with no differentiation between the two, and also lumping Transvestites in there also.

But of course, I have since learned that there are other reasons for Cross Dressing beyond the simple "sexual excitement", fetish reasons.-----So it is conceivable that some gays might also cross dress. but for different reasons than most straight men. Of course the "Ignorant bunch" would say a gay Cross Dresses so he can attract a Straight male partner.---Come ON! who would he be fooling? I doubt any Gay man would be THAT desperate or stupid. NOTHING would come of such a relationship even if he initially fooled his target.

I agree Marina- most gay men I know what someone who's "straight-acting" (whatever that is).

[Tracii G]

Most the gay guys I know act straight and so do their partners.
The gay effeminate thing is usually for the newbies that just want to prove to everyone they are gay.
Call it shock value if you want and thats why these trans teens that are gay do the outlandish hand movements and make that goofy duck face things with their lips.

[JeanTG]

I have no interest in men, but if my wife wanted to take me with a dildo, far be it from me to stop her!

Alas that will likely remain forever a fantasy.

[Bea_]

I think that, if i had time to think it through, I'd tell her to that I'd love her to surprise me. That would give me a better idea of where things stood in her mind. There's always a chance it could go terribly wrong, or incredibly right. But, you'd know where you stand in her mind. If the budget might allow, a few choices might be in order.

You might ask her to pick something up for herself also. It might all be a very nice surprise for both of you.

[kimberly c]

Don't consider myself gay but I would have told her to buy an eight inch strap on for Maria to try out.

[Tracii G]

Now there is a thought she buys Maria something to use on her. Brilliant idea.

[abby054]

From the scientific work that I have read, homosexuality appears to occur in the crossdresser population at about the same rate as in the general population. How to get an accurate sample is problematic due to the difficulty of identifying accurately members of the crossdresser population.

[marlacd]

^^^^ After that, I can't think of anything in the notions department of the local sex shop that would interest a crossdresser. (Unless bondage crossdressing does something for somebody) Ahh, oops, I was wrong.

You may laugh now.

[Beverley Sims]

At least you have the opportunity of educating your wife, then maybe she wants more excitement in her life.

[Jaymie]

From the scientific work that I have read, homosexuality appears to occur in the crossdresser population at about the same rate as in the general population. How to get an accurate sample is problematic due to the difficulty of identifying accurately members of the crossdresser population.

Sounds like we should do a poll... copy the questions from the scholarly work done in the 70 and 90's and post it in the sticky section.

Anyway, I would probably answered in the affirmative - "sounds like fun - what did you have in mind?" or "do you have any suggestions?" Giggle... i don't see any downside and lots of upside potential. Maria you are a lucky girl...

Finally, I don't see how sex toys have anything to do with gay or straight.

[kinky_caitlin]

I have never understood the automatic assumption that crossdressers are gay. From my experience most gay men don't even like crossdressers. They want their man to be and look like a man. Also as far as toys go, many straight men like some time of anal stimulation and toys, myself included. So if my S/O called and asked that I wouldn't make the assumption that she thought I was gay, I would be happy she thought about my pleasure needs.

[Rhonda Jean]

Yeah it's kinda cool that she's so accepting and asked but I have to wonder what her reaction would be if you said yeah I need a bigger dildo my ass is so stretched! Get me something 12" or more and at least 2-3" circumference and preferably black! LOL!


Gasp! Natalie!!:naughty:naughty I think somebody hacked your account! I can't believe sweet little innocent Natalie said this!

[Krisi]

My thought is, maybe she was hinting about buying a strap-on for her to use on you when you're dressed. How's that for a fantasy?

As far as crossdressers being gay, that's a pretty common thought among the non-crossdressing public. I don't think we're going to change that.

[Judy-Somthing]

I have four close Gay friends and I've been to (out of control Gay parties) and I have never seen any of them in dresses.
Some of them have told me they had no interest in woman's clothes because they're attracted to men.

[alwayshave]

My wife told me, before I told her I was a CDer and she did research on the subject, she thought CDers were gay.

[Asew]

The first thing my wife asked when I told her about my CDing is "Are you gay?" For a month or so after that she had nightmares about me turning out gay. But I have no desire to be with a man. If anything, I think my desire for women has some correlation with my desire for CDing.

I think there are two main parts of why people thing CDers are gay. One, is we dress this way to attract a man. But I know for me, I dress this way for internal desires, not outward for other people's desires. And two, drag performers are typically gay, but what people don't realize is they are doing drag for fun, but when trying to attract a partner they are not in drag. I can understand how dressing up is fun, though I am too introverted to be a performer.

[LilSissyStevie]

...I didn't deny that in the past at times when I was dressed I told her I wonder what it would be like to get the attention from a man...

Let's just admit that this is a little bit gay. It would especially seem that way to the muggles.

[Jenny_Marie]

I agree. I no longer think in black and white terms about anything whether it be sexual preference or gender identity. I think it's all on a spectrum, and it seems to me that I've been at varying places on that spectrum during different times of my life. I do judge myself too harshly, but I'm getting better at accepting whatever I feel at any given time, and I know that it's very human and it's okay.

[Alice Torn]

Sometimes Miss, I have noticed the declining desire in women for men for quite a long time now. I see the vast majority of American women over 50, having zero need for men anymore. The love and respect for men is at an all time low, so mo wonder so many CDs and other guys are frustrated, and willing to try another way.

[Jaymie]

Sounds like we should do a poll... copy the questions from the scholarly work done in the 70 and 90's and post it in the sticky section.

Anyway, I would probably answered in the affirmative - "sounds like fun - what did you have in mind?" or "do you have any suggestions?" Giggle... i don't see any downside and lots of upside potential. Maria you are a lucky girl...

Finally, I don't see how sex toys have anything to do with gay or straight.

Can we just put up a pol and advance the scientific research! It's a moral imperative... me thinks!

[LelaK]

The closest I could come to being "gay" would be caressing a very good-looking M2F crossdresser, which I expect will never happen. I prefer to caress my actual GF.

[Kelli_cd]

I have four close Gay friends and I've been to (out of control Gay parties) and I have never seen any of them in dresses.
Some of them have told me they had no interest in woman's clothes because they're attracted to men.
I can relate to this. In my perspective, I'm interested in women's clothes BECAUSE I'm attracted to women!

[Susan Smokes]

I agree with the poll idea, using the 3 main labels that describe your sexual orientation as a crossdresser, Heterosexual, Bisexual, Gay. If you feel you fall under another label you can explain it in your post.