Shopping trip with a real twist !

[Teresa]

I was checking out my fridge and freezer and realised I was running short of some basic items . So Slipped on my cord jeans and a blouse did my makeup ,popped on my wig , grabbed my jacket and purse and drove down to my local supermarket . I was working through my list when my mobile phone rang , it was my sister in law , I'd forgotten that she was just back from a holiday and mentioned she wanted to meet up for coffee before doing her shopping . So I had to tell her I was shopping in Aldi's and was dressed as Teresa , so there was a slight pause and then a giggle , then she said , " OK I'm only 10 minutes away I'll meet you in the coffee shop in M&S . "

I finished my shopping and drove over to the M&S store and saw her just parking up so I waved and parked up myself . She took a long look at me and then said , " I'll have to start using a brush for my foundation because your's is smoother than mine !" This lady is a perfectionist with her makeup , she always looks well turned out , so that was a real compliment . The SA in the coffee shop just treated us like two ladies meeting up , we chatted about her holiday and family issues , I guess she could see I was totally comfortable with the situation , I could see she felt the same .

So that is another small hurdled I've just jumped, she has gone from seeing a picture to me in reality without a problem , although she did say she wouldn't mention it to my wife , I replied that was no longer my problem and wouldn't lose any sleep over it but why did she feel she needed to lie ?

I lovely little P.S. ,
As I was walking to my car a couple stopped to ask me directions to the Dunelm Mill outlet , so I guessed I must have looked plausible enough , it's funny I've just made a reply to the thread about looking " Queer " or not ?

[Beverley Sims]

Teresa,

Like me you may be odd but not queer, in the sense they are trying to establish here.

Even odd does not seem to work as you seem to be fitting in well.

Next time I get to Devon I might look around and see how many other odd people I can see. :-)

[Tracy Irving]

why did she feel she needed to lie ?

I am confused as to what she is lying about. The absence of relaying an event doesn't necessarily constitute a lie. I brushed my teeth this morning and didn't tell my wife. Never thought I was lying to her.

[Teresa]

Tracy,
She feels she has to lie to my wife about seeing me as Teresa , my wife is still trying to control the situation and gets very heated knowing people around her are not only seeing me but also accepting me .

Like most of the people that have seen me they realise I'm not what they expected , hence her comment about my makeup . I feel they think I look very acceptable and what real harm would it be to pass on that message . I'm sorry to bring up this point yet again but it's why I could never do MIAD , I'm not going to use the pass label but I tip the balance well on the way to being female , also as I found today my voice made little difference .

Bev,
Not the best place to look , they are an odd lot in Devon and even odder in Cornwall !!

[Bobbi46]

Teresa,
In cornwall they have pastie complections!!! but seriously you have very little to worry about now everybody around you knows you as Teresa but with latest episode a good thing for your SIL to see the real you, and not a parody of a woman but a tribute to what we should be doing.

[Stephanie47]

If your wife starts a tirade about your lifestyle why would your sister-in-law want to stir up a hornets' nest? You would not be there to enjoy the spectacle. I certainly do not report every thing I do to other people. Not a fan of posting anything on social media. Maybe your sister-in-law was just letting you know because she thought you may have some concerns about how your wife will react. Now that she knows and it's not your problem, then she'll still not relay meeting you in the future because she still does not want to listen to another rant/tirade. I certainly would not. Of course, if she were to enjoy seeing her mother-in-law blow a fuse, maybe she would tell her how attractive you looked and compliment your makeup skills. :)

[Teresa]

Stephanie,
I guess I'm getting a little tired of everyone fearing her response , I wish they would all tell her straight so she can finally accept me . She is being unfair with freiends and family by putting them in the middle of a situation they shouldn't be in . If she had attended counselling with me or indeed had counselling since we separated as many tried to suggest to her her life would be far more stable than it is at the moment .

As you say this is not my problem but at the same time I'm finding out what family and friends I can and can't trust .

Bobbi,
I know she won't keep it to herself she will quietly tell her husband , he's very open minded and always been supportive . She still appears to be surprised I'm out as much as I am , meeting me in reality and seeing how I relate to other people I feel is going to do more long term good than I anticipated .

[Charlotte7]

Hello Teresa, it is clear that you're on a very happy part of your journey, have been very successful in establishing your new life and are enormously content with Teresa, so I'd like to make a suggestion that I think would both work for you and now is the appropriate time. I really am trying to offer you my best advice here, so please accept it in the spirit that I'm offering it to you, in the terms of friendship that our both being members of this forum allows. Anyway, my suggestion is that you go back to your old town, as you now present yourself in your new town, go up to your old front door, knock, wait and when your wife answers, say "Hello Mary, [or whatever her name is] we need to have a talk." I think that you owe this much to your wife, to your family, and just as importantly to Teresa. I accept that were you to do this, then things may be harder for a little while but time is a great healer. Then, when it has been done, you'll be able to go about as you now go about, in your new town, in your old town and in any town you choose, your family, those who accept you and those who still need to will have to accept the situation as is, and your wife will have to jump one way of the other, and you yourself, in the past have mentioned divorce proceedings. Basically I'm saying that the power to change your situation is in your hands and I think that time has come that you should do it. You've set up a new life, you're clearly very happy and successful as Teresa, as you say in your signature "The real me, no going back". So, don't go back, go forwards. I really do wish you all the best, and also understand that you are the only one who can make the decisions which affect you and yours, but this is a forum and as such, it's set up for us all to offer help, advice and suggestions and my suggestion is honestly made with your best outcome at its heart.

[Teresa]

Update.

I just wanted to add a couple of small interactions with a couple of male shoppers , in the past I've found men interact far less than women .

As I was about to collect my shopping trolley a guy was returning his so I offered him my pound coin for the lock to save him having to do it , he refused because he had used a token , so I asked him where you get the tokens from , he replied , " Well my dear I have several in the car so you can keep this one . " I thanked him , he smiled and walked off .

Later coming through the checkout I realised I'd missed an item , the previous customer was just being served so I rushed off to get my tin of golden syrup , I made it back before going through the check out , suddenly a guy leant forward behind me and said, " Are you sure you have got all your items luvvy ?" I shook my head and smiled and replied , " No not really !" I heard him chuckle behind me and then said , " I know the feeling !"

I know they aren't major events but by the time I'd returned home I felt so good , each day I move a little more down the road to be accepted as Teresa .


Charlotte,
You may have missed some previous stories but I have been back twice , the first time was to visit the Art Centre cinema to see a film about Monet . My second visit which I called entering enemy territory was to meet up with my painting group at the annual exhibition , that went really well .

As for knocking on my wife's door ! Maybe not but I'm sitting back and waiting to see the changes being made in society, also my grandsons coming across a TG pupil , teacher or parent at school and it seeing how it's explained to them . Perhaps my wife may come knocking on my door .

Truthfully I now prefer to try and ease my wife out of my life , so the less contact I make the better , having any conact with her does unsettle me now , she has nothing to contribute in my life .

[Crissy 107]

Teresa, Any step forward on our journey, no matter how small, is a very good thing and can make ones day. You may find you interact with women more then men as that is where you feel more comfortable, at least that is the case with me.
Crissy

[Eemz]

[B]Truthfully I now prefer to try and ease my wife out of my life , so the less contact I make the better , having any conact with her does unsettle me now , she has nothing to contribute in my life .
I think this is the right approach. It sounds like she's still choosing to interact badly with the people around her; that's very sad and painful I'm sure, but anything that feeds the delusion that she still retains some amount of control over your life will only make her worse imho. You can only choose not to play, and I'm really glad to see you doing that.

I can't see any upside for you in any future contact with her. And I honestly don't see any positive value for her either...

> I replied that was no longer my problem and wouldn't lose any sleep over it

It's sad, but true.

> my wife is still trying to control the situation and gets very heated knowing people around her are not only seeing me but also accepting me

[Charlotte7]

Teresa, I have followed your posts and threads on this forum with interest since I became a member here. I made my suggestion, which I still think is valid as you said at #7,

"I wish they would all tell her straight so she can finally accept me . She is being unfair with freiends and family by putting them in the middle of a situation they shouldn't be in"

However, I happen to take the view, that it's not the job of your family, as you suggest in #7, to tell her, it's your responsibility, and your responsibility alone.

Also, you then go on to say that she's being unfair by putting them in a situation that they shouldn't be in, but I don't feel that's strictly true either.

You are well along the trans spectrum and have made the changes to your life that you absolutely need to make in order for you to live the life you need to live. This is all very good and I wish you every success, however, your wife hasn't changed, you have, you're the one leading the new life, so you're the one that has put people, your family and friends, in a new situation. If you are to find the peace that you need in your life then that is the circle that you need to square.

This is the one thing that I find hard to understand in many of your posts, that you have the power to fix things, you have shown obvious inner strength and resolve in the changes that you have made in your life and yet, this one last step, the one thing that would alter yours and everyone else's happiness, you seem reluctant to take.

You say that you have twice been back to your old town but on neither occasion have you had a talk with your wife. Surely you owe her at least that consideration? Go on, have the talk, and let the final pieces fall into place and everyone can then move on.

[LaurenS]

Love hearing your experiences, Teresa. You’re doing great. Charlotte’s idea might be a good suggestion, but I see your point about easing your wife out, too.

You’re wife’s understanding and acceptance may never come, it’s just a shame she burdens others with her feelings that they presumably don’t want to hear.

your ears must burn constantly! 😁

[Eemz]

I do know and understand that Teresa's wife is upset and angry; she has a right to her feelings. If she wants a DADT relationship on this matter with her friends & relatives then that's her choice and it's a valid one.

But I don't know what people are looking for Teresa to say at this point? I feel like she has already been honest and told her wife everything there is to know? What is left to say?

[DaisyLawrence]

But I don't know what people are looking for Teresa to say at this point? I feel like she has already been honest and told her wife everything there is to know? What is left to say?

Answer: do you want to do the divorce amicably or is it all going through lawyers? Teresa knows this but seems to be putting it off for some reason. Whatever people think about Teresas' wife being guilty of a lack of acceptance, it ain't going to change and Teresa owes it to her to draw the line so her wife can move on with her life, it's already taken too long. Give the poor woman some closure while she still has some quality years ahead of her.

[Teresa]

Charlotte,
You have to realise any suggestion of my TG issues with my wife isn't well received , she has had heated words with my daughter over me seeing the granddaughter . It really is like lighting the blue touch paper and stand well back . She does need counselling but stubbornly refuses help from any quarter . She is free to live her life as she chooses but now knows the mistake she's made and is trying to cling on to the remnants . Whether I have the power or not I can't see the point of stepping back into the old situation it's not going to make anyone any happier . Everyone knows if she finds out I have set foot in my old town dressed my wife will go ballistic , Eemz is correct in her summing up on all counts .

Also she does know I'm totally out in my new home town as everyone in the family does, they are all OK about it but according to her it's not going to happen in her neck of the woods .

Lets take this a stage further , if I was to announce that I totally want to transition , I would have to be free to dress where and when I please , so why should I accept these rules in my current circumstances ? To me I'm into partial transition , I have pushed hard to reach this stage .

Daisy ,
It may sound as if I'm making my children and grandchildren an excuse but I can only see the formalities of divorce making it worse for them , my wife is free to live her life as she chooses , I'm not interferring in any way and certainly not as she is still trying to interfere in mine , I don't believe she wants a total closure , I'm afraid she feeds off this situation , as I said before her problem is she has lost control of me so the only way she can make a difference is using other people around her , I really don't think she will ever move on .

I do now realise that to think an amicable separation could ever work was being naive , it simply means I've left the door open to her and I could never fully move on .

I feel the best course is to be patient and keep doing what I'm doing , the longer it goes on the more normal it will become to her , the dust really hasn't settled yet , I didn't believe I would be out as much as I am so I guess that may apply to everyone . Meeting my sister in law in the circumstances I descibed has to be a good thing , she saw first hand how comfortable I was with her and the people around us .

[DaisyLawrence]

Teresa, I hear what you are saying but while you stay married (on paper at least) there is no way she will move on whether she can or not. The marraige label gives her the belief that control is still possible as you are, technically, a married couple. You may need to get a divorce to severe that subconscious link and to give her at least the possibility of accepting closure and then maybe moving on with her life. If she does that you will suddenly be of no interest to her at all which sounds like a win for both of you. Make sense?

As you say you've finally realised an amicable separation can not work (something I remember suggesting months past) then you need to ask yourself what that really means. In real terms, if you can't be separated amicably then you can only be separated in an uncivil and hostile way. Surely that is unsustainable for both parties and a permanent separation (divorce) is the only logical step?

[Charlotte7]

Teresa, you say "Everyone knows if she finds out I have set foot in my old town dressed my wife will go ballistic" but what I can't understand, bearing in mind your marriage has broken down, bearing in mind that you are very successful and happy in your new life, bearing in mind that you say that you are into partial transition, why that now matters. The other thing that I can't understand in your situation is why you seem so keen for other family members to fight your battles for you.

[DaisyLawrence]

Valid points Charlotte. Teresa, sometimes I wonder who really wants to do the controlling in the relationship with your wife. You say it is her but behave as if it is you. Your marraige is irreparably broken down so formal divorce and separate futures is the only logical way forward for both of you. That is unless there is an alterior motive as to why you seem to want to stay married? Please don't get upset, we are only trying to help by offering a view from 'out of the box' so to speak.

[Teresa]

Charlotte,
The decision I have to make is whether I put my money where my mouth is and just go for it , my old home town should not be off limits now , I know initially it's the reason why I moved twenty miles away but if I want to prove my wife has no control over me then I should do it , what is the worse that can happen now ? All she can do is start divorce proceedings before me . No I don't want family to fight my battles , my daughter and now my sister in law are perfectly happy meeting me but because they know my wife's attitude chose not to mention me . The part I find annoying is the control she holds over them , they have a right to express their opinion but daren't .

Daisy ,
I have had this conversation with several people , we all come to the same conclusion that a piece of paper saying we are no longer married will make very little difference . I know I must have a consultation to check out several issues .

I'm not interesting in controlling anyone , my children are adults and should be allowed to live their own lives , I have enough to sort in my new life , I just wish my wife would see it the same way .

My main concern is my children and grandchildren , I will have to sit down and tallk these issues through with them , I don't want to enter a battle with them trapped in the middle , it's not their problem and I need to consider that . I can't help feeling I'm putting myself in a no win situation , I do think my wife is making life too difficult for everyone in an attempt to remain in control .

[Shelly Preston]

Teresa I understand all of your concerns.

I think a real crunch point will be if both you and your wife will be asked to attend the same function.

Only twice have I actually been asked not to turn up as Shelly which I did out of respect to the person asking.
Just for clarification I was not related to either of them.

[Teresa]

Shelly,
That is part of the problem , attending family functions , I've just do done my duty as father and grandfather at my wife's birthday but not so much as hubby . We have another coming up for my granddaughter , I initially told my daughter I wouldn't attend if my wife did but then my mother has been invited and it's my resposibility to take her . Then we have to the "two step" over Xmas , it's going to be a case of who do we offend the least . At the moment I have invited my daughter , son in law with the little granddaughter and my son in law's mother to come to me for Xmas day . They have accepted I will be dressed , that will be a fantastic first for me to cook the turkey and stage Xmas for them but I'm just waiting for the proverbial spanner in the works !!

[DaisyLawrence]

Teresa, it all sounds just like every breakdown of a long term marraige I've ever witnessed. The crossdressing is really just a side issue and not particularly rellevant anymore. Fact is, if someones been married 40 years and have kids and grandkids the breakdown of that marraige leads to a whole bloody mess in family and friends terms everytime. I've seen countless 'amicable' divorces but only one, my sisters, that stayed amicable in the long term. I've never seen a ceasefire after hostilities have begun, ever. Sorry but it's only going to get worse, wish I could say otherwise.
Best of luck, you'll need it.

[Fran in skirts]

Teresa, I have been reading your posts and have come to the conclusion that the only way you are going to have peace is to make a complete split with your wife. Go to a solicitor and find out what you can do and what she can do in a divorce. That is the only way that the both of you are completely cut from one another. Then after you are free to do as you please and so is she neither having any control over the other. What she does with the family and friends is up to them to decide if they want to continue to be controlled by her beliefs.

Just my two pence. So take it as it is offered free advice from a friend.

Fran

[SamanthaToday]

Teresa I love your avatar , the color combination of the boots and dress are really nice.

You look so happy.

Sounds like you had an amazing day with meeting your sister inlaw for coffee, you so have it going on.

I admire you.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Teresa :hugs:, It sounds like you had a great time with your SIL. >Orchid ..o:daydreaming:o..

[SaraLin]

Teresa, I have been reading your posts and have come to the conclusion that the only way you are going to have peace is to make a complete split with your wife.

Fran

Teresa,
I have to agree with Fran. As long as you are still legally married to her, she will continue to feel that she has some kind of right, power, (or something) to dictate to you and others how you live your life and whether anyone else can deal with you - and how. We could discuss the "why" of it for hours, but it wouldn't change anything. She wants nothing to do with you as Teresa, and as long as you haven't taken that final step (divorce) she'll maintain some small hope that you'll "suddenly see the light, stop all this nonsense and come home." Delaying the inevitable isn't doing anyone any favors here.

Your kids are grown, right? So there is no child support , and there certainly aren't any custody issues to worry about.
They are aware of your choices so whether or not they visit and whether or not they bring the grand-kids along is their choice - not hers.


If they choose to not tell her that they've visited you as Teresa, it's their choice and shouldn't matter one whit to you. How they choose to deal with her inability to accept the situation is up to them. The same goes for you visiting or doing business in town. If you choose to go there - go. If she doesn't like it, that's her problem, not yours. Unless she is the mayor or something, she has no say in the matter. [side note: out of consideration for her, I'd maybe suggest that if you see her in a shop, you quietly avoid direct contact]

Live your life. Stop worrying about how she chooses to live hers. That's not not your problem any more. It ended when the two of you split. You just haven't made it "legally official" yet. Why not?

[Teresa]

Fran,
I did hope that was going to happen over an incident and then my wife telling me she no longer wanted to see me or speak to me again in an Email . I was hoping she was going to stick to that and make it easier for everyone concerned , at least we knew where we stood . I came to the conclusion I will have to do as you suggest , I can't live wih the inconsistency of the situation , I do need to move on .

SaraLin,
Yes you are so right , we are separated whether we have an official piece of paper or not ( I don't believe it will make that much difference ) .When the removal van left my old home back in February my new life started , I was on my own and had walked away from DADT and all that went with it , I hadn't walked out on my children because they were married living in their own homes with their famillies .

There are times when she is going to rant and rave no matter what I do but as you say that is her problem and for her to deal with not mine . I have learned to ignore her Emails , if I don't respond she has no control over me . That is hard at times because it festers in the brain , the instant relief is to reply but it's just fanning the flames .

Out of courtesy I will have a word with my mother to explain the situation before I visit my old home town again dressed , I hope she will understand that to accept the limitations is like saying my dressing needs are wrong , that conflict can't continue .

[Shelly Preston]

Teresa

There will always be choices over family functions. The children will have to decide how to spend Christmas as they want to make everyone happy.
The situation with your mother I would explain to her that you could drop her off and pick her up so not to cause a happy day to be ruined. I would say that would give you the moral high ground thinking about others. Only you can decide if that is a workable solution.

[SaraLin]

I'd like to respond to your thought, shown here:


I have learned to ignore her Emails , if I don't respond she has no control over me . That is hard at times because it festers in the brain , the instant relief is to reply but it's just fanning the flames .


It sounds like she's sending nothing but "nasty-grams" via email... why not simply block her and have your computer send anything that comes from her, straight into the trash? That way, you'll never even have to see or read any of her vitriol!



OH! another random thought popped up... When it comes to holiday events, like Christmas, you and your EX could (maybe?) do like so many other families do - schedule one in the morning, and one in the afternoon. That way, the kids don't get put in the terrible position of choosing one parent over the other - and the grandkids get the benefit of TWO Christmases, birthday parties, or whatever.

Just a thought...

[Charlotte7]

... we are separated whether we have an official piece of paper or not ( I don't believe it will make that much difference ) ...

I think that this is the nub of this whole situation, as you know that official piece of paper will make a great difference and for one reason or another you're unwilling to take that step.

The thing is, and as I see it, it is the one thing that everyone who reads this thread should perhaps take away with them, is that we're all in charge of our own destiny, we can all make the decisions which affect us. And yes, sometimes there is a cost, maybe emotional, maybe in family break up, maybe even financial, in making those decisions, but there comes a point when we owe it if to nobody else but to ourselves to make that decision, to jump one way or another and to accept the consequences. Only then, only by taking responsibility for ourselves, can we truly move on and put things behind us.

But, maybe, in what you say, you have made your decision, to have your new life but to deny your wife any chance of having one of her own. I cannot see how you will find full happiness until you have resolved this.

[DaisyLawrence]

But, maybe, in what you say, you have made your decision, to have your new life but to deny your wife any chance of having one of her own. I cannot see how you will find full happiness until you have resolved this.


:yt: Exactly.

[Teresa]

Charlotte,
I seriously don't think the upheaval and legalities will change my wife's attitude , also I'm not depriving or denying my wife of anything if she wants to move on I'm not standing in her way . As far as I'm concerned I'm out of her life she hasn't come to terms with that yet but I can't say for certain if she really does want me totally out of her life , a single piece of paper won't change that . I know from exeperience that it made no difference to other members of her family who did go through divorce , some people can't or won't move on .

I'm not frightened to take the divorce step as you imply , I will make an appointment to get some guidance when I feel the time is right . At the moment the time isn't right , besides I'm on a limited budget and to me other things in my life are more important , I'll just have to harden to the situation and be patient , eventually she is going to be surrounded by people who have seen me in reality and accepted me .