Wife Starting Counseling

[Julie MA]

After almost 2 years of knowing, my wife says she is starting counseling because of my dressing. This came up after I expressed firm plans to attend Fantasia Fair, a transgender conference. She agreed to my attending, but says my dressing, which is "always tell, don't show", about 1-2 times per year, is making her sad. She never mentions anything about it except when I actually dress and go out. I was very supportive and asked that she find someone who specializes in gender topics, not some random shoulder to cry on that is just going to tell her what she wants to hear, and puts negative judgement on me. I'll attend with her if she wants me to.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Julie :hugs:, There are two kinds of therapist , The ones that tell your:love:Wife what she wants to hear,

And the ones that tell you what you want to hear! Good luck, ………...>Orchid ..o:daydreaming:o..

[RADER]

My first wife and I went to a counselor because I like to wear woman's clothes.
The Counselor told my wife that if he is not hurting anyone, and only does it at home,
What's the problem. My wife went nuts, and sued me for divorce 2 years later.
My second Wife, said as long as I do not go out, she was OK with my dressing.
I miss her very much.
Rader

[Eemz]

I hear a lot of pain and some anger in your OP, probably on both sides. She is right that something needs to change, and she obviously values your relationship or she wouldn't be trying to save it. But there are two sides to everything and "the other person just needs to get their act together" is never the real answer. The current state of affairs is not good for either of you; you need to work on it too if you want it to survive and improve.

But I totally hear you on the gender-aware therapist. Probably all of us CD/TG people here are afraid of being dismissed as the bad guy and easy blame for everything that's wrong in the relationship. So a therapist that you will trust to also hear your side & your pain will be key. That is a valid concern.

[Stephanie47]

I went back and read some of your prior threads on the subject. I think it is rather predictable a wife will vacillate on the issue. I believe everyone would agree that such a revelation was shocking and unexpected. Some of the issues arise from the unknown. And, some of the issues arise from the known, i.e., how the husband decides to conduct himself. Of course, there is concern for your well being as well as the family's well being and status. Frankly, the husband's secret now also becomes the wife's secret. Most wives do not have a close confident to talk about a husband's cross dressing.

I think it is good she wants to see a therapist, who should be skilled in transgender issues. Unless the therapist sees you also, individually, the therapist really will not have as much information concerning you that is needed to assess the situation. Couples counseling, if done right, has separate interviews before joint sessions. Unless the husband or wife see the counselor how does the therapist know if the facts related are true or are being perceived correctly?

[Beverley Sims]

I strongly urge you to attend as well.

A good move.

[DaisyLawrence]

Your OP dismays me no end. I mean you did say you dress once or twice a year didn't you? And this is so awful for your wife that she needs counceling? Really? A good friend of mine describes herself as a 'golf widow'. She hates golf and has not interest in it but her husband loves it. She wants to do things with her husband but he plays every weekend and when he does it takes all day. It annoys her but she realises it gives him great pleasure so lets it go. She does not need counceling. With such an adverse reaction to such a tiny amount of crossdressing I would worry that there was other issues in play here for your wife. Maybe she is trying to turn a minor thing into a major thing because she is actually looking for an excuse to get out? Just an observation from one looking in from 'outside the box' with little actual information to go on. Hope I'm wrong.

[Julie MA]

Daisy, I am hoping the counseling will show her some of what you are saying. I mean CD really has no impact on our lives. Julie

[DaisyLawrence]

Indeed Julie. Maybe hearing that from an independant source will have the desired effect. Let's hope so. :)

[Stacy Darling]

My wife is in session with two counsellors.
Counsel A; Wife goes by self.
Counsel B; We both go, and I clearly and honestly answer every question to the best of my ability ( I'm not ashamed of who I am )

I personally think that in situations such as our CD situation, that both parties should attend if possible. I believe that my wife would also agree!

[Teri Ray]

Best wishes to you and your wife Julie. This topic is never easy to work through. I hope you and your wife can find some common ground that is acceptable to you both.

Hugs Teri

[alwayshave]

Julie, I hope that your wife's therapy goes well and is positive for your dressing.

[Di]

Hope it helps her see what you are doing is the the big deal she is making it out to be.
I’m sorry twice a year and she’s sad - wow.
Is twice a yr enough for you? I guess the rest the time you can shop, read here on the forum ect to cope.
Hope you both can go .


Really hope it helps.

[phili]

Julie, I hope the therapist is also skilled in helping your wife process losses or other obstacles. Certainly waking up to realize you have married an X ['substitute your own term for sick or defective or unreliable or etc husband ] is cause for sadness- the perceived loss could be huge. My wife's view is that just the fact that I would take up crossdressing is so out of range that she simply can't, no, she simply won't try to understand it!!@!
So we are in a standoff and use DADT to get by the conflict and keep moving.

We see a counselor who I think personally sympathizes with her, but is professionally detached and knows that there are a lot of us transgender people popping up. He does not say of even feel I should stop, since he knows that it is real for me and important, but works to make it easier as a loving couple to focus more on loving each other in all the ways we can- which is sound advice.

Sadness can often be a disguising term for depressed, which then is a kind of paralysis. It may be about a hidden issue, but the person looks around to find a likely external cause, and a husband crossdressing is a perfect reason. But the solution in these cases is not found in the outside obstacle changing, but in changing the self-perception of the person as powerless or controlled. If the husband wasn't crossdressing, some other reason would be the reason for the sadness.

I often think about satisfying my need to CD as a critically important need, but still one of many needs I have to keep trying to satisfy, and my desire is logarithmically related to the safe opportunity. I understand that my wife has a deep need to be safely married to a man, not a woman or anyone not a man. i am committed to her, and fortunately I can navigate this - with difficulty, but at least she sees me trying which is the basic test.

[Julie MA]

Thanks, ladies. My wife does have anxiety issues: takes medication for it, is afraid of most things having to do with sex. Comes from a family with mild mental issues: depression, dependencies, enabling. She struggles with work-life balance. When I tell her this is just who I am and I am trying to live my life she has trouble coping. She tends to dredge up the past during any heated discussion. I'm sure she will use the counseling to pile on the blame.

[Felicia M]

Hey Julie - really hoping to hear good things come from her attending a counselor and as you say from someone who specializes in gender topics.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Julie;

I'm one who really believes in counseling, and applaud your willingness to attend if you are wanted.
For you to say "I mean CD really has no impact on our lives." is unrealistic, per your posts it has a profound impact on both of your lives.
Open up to the reality, that it is a concern and and issue for your wife.

[giuseppina]

...Comes from a family with mild mental issues: depression, dependencies, enabling. She struggles with work-life balance. ...

The mood disorders are not a good sign. Touchy questions: Has she been suicidal at any time in her life? Any family members (parents or siblings) been suicidal? Addiction issues? Recipient of abuse? These are important questions; posted answers are not necessary.

This book was prescribed reading (by a psychiatrist) for me:

https://www.amazon.com/Days-Self-Esteem-David-Burns-M-D/dp/0688094554

Author David Burns is or was a psychiatry professor at Stanford. The title is a bit of a misnomer, but the methods are simple and depend on ordinary logic. It should be available at any large bookseller if you don't want to order from Amazon.

I make no claim this book is a magic bullet; a competent counsellor should recognise the author. The book has been on the market for a very long time with periodic updates.


When I tell her this is just who I am and I am trying to live my life she has trouble coping. She tends to dredge up the past during any heated discussion. I'm sure she will use the counseling to pile on the blame.

The counsellor should request at least one session alone with you to get both sides of the relationship. A good counsellor will counsel against the piling on, dumping on you, etc. There should be at least one joint session as well. Both of you should be prepared to take some heat from the counsellor over your issues. Nobody can claim to be an angel in most relationships; I doubt the crossdressing is the only issue between you. The 'this is who I am, take it or leave it' message from you is, IMHO, a little too harsh for the situation.

Is she seeing a psychiatrist as well? While medication is not a panacea and has side effects, it can be helpful in the right situation.

The real trick is moving on from past issues. That, however, is more challenging when mood disorders are in the mix.

I'm not a mental health professional; I have recovered from suicidal depression (PTSD).

I wish you and your wife well. While my style is very forthright, underneath everything is a sensitive person.

[Julie MA]

We all have different perspectives, but I wouldn't call a box of clothes on a shelf, that I put on 1-2 times per year, with no affect on my work or kids, a "take it or leave it" situation, or a "profound impact" on our lives. She obviously is affected and I respect her opinion. That's why I don't dress very often, and why I'm happy to attend counseling with her.

[Stephanie47]

You indicate you do not dress very often. You've indicated you are headed to an event and your wife knows about it. I suspect there would be some degree of anxiety about that for her. Your previous posts suggest to me she is doing "research," but, perhaps not getting good information. In a previous post you said she read an article concerning ten reasons cross dressing leads to divorce. Obviously, not all cross dressers end up divorced. You posted you had your eye brows waxed. How did she take that? I would think a woman with inadequate knowledge of cross dressing and as it pertains to her unique situation, she would be at a lose to figure it all out.

[Julie MA]

She is definitely struggling, hence the counseling. But she fears anything outside traditional gender roles, at least when it comes to her husband.

We had a positive text discussion today. It works for us because it removes some of the emotion. I offered not to attend the transgender conference but she thought I'd resent her for it. I'd be disappointed, but not resent it.

Leaving soon. Maybe...

As for the brow waxing, she never mentioned it. It was more if a shaping, not brow removal. She has noticed I've grown out my nails for a pedicure and polish. Hasn't mentioned it yet though. Looking forward to a French tip manicure, even if it's only for 2 days. I'll remove it and trim before I return home.

[Lana Mae]

Best wishes with all of this! Hugs Lana Mae

[Julie MA]

She freaked out this evening. I told her I'm not going at all. Disappointed with her hypocrisy. She said a few months ago she was fine with 1-2 times out per year. She agreed the convention would be good for me last year, and again one month ago. We discussed me going for the past week. Then on the night before I go I get this. She definitely needs counseling.

[Samm]

Even though my wife is pretty much 100% supportive, I still get subtle comments and guilt trips. Sometimes I'm not sure she even realizes what she's doing.
Giving you permission to dress 1 or 2 times per year does more harm than good IMO. For both you, and your wife.

[Di]

I’m sorry Julie and yes she def needs counseling and she best continue. I hope she can eventually see letting someone be free changes everything for the better. It’s like she has to control you out of fear. Anyways I’m sorry very sorry.

[Felicia M]

Very sorry to hear Julie. Sounds like this has brought about the need for a much deeper discussion and I hope you can work through it together with a counselor.

[Bobbi46]

Just a though is she trying to drive you out of her life, pushing you to make the first move so that she can say it was not me that upped and went? just a thought, I know it is a difficult time for you and I have been down the rocky road of marriage difficulties except both of mine ended in divorce.
I wish you well and hope you find a way out of this that is good for you.

[Julie MA]

I know her. The last thing she wants is us divorced. She fears upsetting the status quo more than anything. So that is the basis for much of her concern. Bottom line is she thinks it's very weird and I am some kind of freak. Though she won't come out and say it. She claims to be liberal and accepting of others and their orientations. Just not mine.

[Bobbi46]

Julie, have you explained the medical background to her as to why we are this way? Have you in fact explained to her that it has been medicaly accepted that things go slightly wrong at the time of conception and then 9 months later out pos either a lesbia or gay to be or whatever in between, which means that we are each born to be the way we are. I can back this up by the fact I have a very eminent French Dr friend who lectures at the Faculty of Medecine at the University Hospital here in Limoges, he has a gay son and he told me that it all happens before we are born, it is not a given choice for us to decide. You can quote me or your wife can message me I can give you my email address so that she can have an independant totally unbiased view of our various make ups.
That being said I hope you find a happy medium out of this slight upset in your life.

[Julie MA]

Thanks, Bobbi, and to all of you ladies for your support. She does not understand or even want to hear any justification or reason. Not sure where this will lead me, but not sure I can live with this. The hypocrisy, controlling, and judging over this little part of me tells me she doesn't love or accept me. Maybe never did, maybe never will.

- - - Updated - - -

Several loooong discussions today. She admitted this was her problem in that she couldn't accept my orientation. She even suggested I go to the conference, a day later.. Too late for that, and she apologized for pretending she could accept it and support my attendance. Off to see a counselor tomorrow. Confident in who I am and what I do.

- - - Updated - - -

Saw therapist today. He was balanced and fair. Wife has a long road ahead to acceptance but she said she felt confident she would get there. I see light ahead. Thank you to all of you who have helped along the way so far. I sang your praises in the session.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Julie;

It sounds like both of you are seeking to control the situation and its just spiraling. One of you has to be able to deescalate in order to have a conversation. Try to put your thoughts in a letter without using buzz words like hypocrisy. I think you can work this out, be available. We all have disappointments from time to time. Is there a compromise event that you can addend? You have come a long way, just be patient

[kimdl93]

It sounds like progress to me, Julie. Of course, there will be ups and downs, but loooong conversations are much better than prolonged silences. Keep the conversation going. And don’t feel the need to justify or reason. Just listen and empathize with her feelings. Let her know she has your support.

[Di]

Since you see light after the therapist that gives me a great relief.
I was concerned . Please make sure she keeps going and tell her what you told us - how it made you feel.....If she even thinks of stopping . Best Wishes.

[Julie MA]

Di, Kim, yes I feel better than ever about my CD and our relationship. Kelly I was just venting, though it was truthful.

[Kelly DeWinter]

I understand Julie; I posted before your last post. I think you two will work it out. It's just going to take time.